Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Tunanut
Name: Dan Carrara
Joined: Nov 15, 2018
Last Post: Nov 23, 2018
Threads: 6
Posts: 12  
Likes: 5
From: Viet Nam
School: FTU

Displayed posts: 18
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Tunanut   
Nov 22, 2018
Writing Feedback / Some people think that media outlets are making violence more popular in real life [3]

violence and the media



Violence in the media promote violence in society. To what extend do you agree or disagree

Sensational stories, where actions or crimes are recounted in graphic details, prevail over other kinds of news because they indulge the curiosity of average people. Some people think that media outlets are making violence more popular in real life, and I totally agree with this view. The media with cheap, gratuitous violence are spoiling our mind, and children also suffer from this worrying trend.

The fact that we are fed on a diet of TV programs and movies rife with strong language and savagery leads us to falsely accept violence as a norm in societies. For example, while watching TV series such as Hell Kitchen or Master Chef, viewers can see people cursing, throwing food, or even physically attacking others. Shows like these offer a distorted view on life, where violence is actually not the solution of choice for coping with anger of conflict. People may gradually tolerate violence if they digest these products too often.

In addition, children's behaviors are set to be influenced heavily by the violent contents that they see. As a matter of fact, kids are likely to incorporate what they watch and read into their daily lives. For example, in Vietnam, under the effect of Chinese action movies, many boys in Vietnam naively believe that heroes are supposed to beat people up and, therefore, usually resort to their fists to exhibit their superiority. This behavior pattern can evolve into anti-social behaviors in the future, putting security at risk.

In conclusion, violence contents are now ubiquitous because of the media. This is a serious issue because not only adults but future generations are also being affected in undesirable ways. As children grow up in the culture where violence sells, there is no guarantee that they would not, out of habits, succumb to violence to solve their problems.

________________________
In the opening I had incorporated my view which directly answer the prompt.
Also I chose to develop only one idea for each body.
Please give me your opinions?
Tunanut   
Nov 22, 2018
Writing Feedback / Competition is one of the good ways to encourage young people in developing their leadership skills [4]

There are many ways in preparing ... --> prepare someone for doing something is syntactically correct yet very awkward.

This is a typical mistake. Never let a countable noun stand alone. fix: a good thing for students/ for a student/ for the student/ for the students (all syntactically correct except your version). In this instance, ... for students is semantically appropriate.

the competition is not a single thing.. --> you meant the only thing. Because if you didn't then I don't know what you meant.

determine people to be success --> syntactically incorrect. determine one's success is ok.
Finally, word allocation is unbalanced. Your opening is the second-longest paragraph, which is not a good thing
Tunanut   
Nov 22, 2018
Scholarship / Writing Task 2: Capital City Problems [2]

The absence of original topic makes it harder for people to judge your work.

rising number of newcomers
... opinions about whether it is important or not for the government to take....

Increasing unemployment occurs ...: This sentence is incomprehensible. Consider breaking down your mega sentence.

criminality cases is more natural and popular. Search by google to see how popular a particular expression is by putting it inside double quotes. For example:

yields only 676 results. Chances are it was not a proper expression.
Not being natives gives us no choice but to resort to Google to validate our crafted expressions.
Good luck!
Tunanut   
Nov 22, 2018
Writing Feedback / An IELTS task 2 essay on children under pressure in modern society [2]

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial
perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?


Burdened Children



Today many children find themselves stressed out because of pressure from by schools, companies, and society. While reasons for this vary, we can take some actions to help kids remove their emotional baggage.

A number of factors contribute to the pressure put on children in modern society. First of all, from the academic aspect, young students are forced by adults, such as teachers and parents, to study harder and get good grades. While this pressure is not intentionally harmful, it might create more anxiety for young students. Secondly, children can be abused by a huge crowd via social media. An innocent kid using Facebook can be attacked by Internet trolls and fall into depression, while the culprits remain at large. Regarding pressures caused by business, many children, who have no regular income, struggle to stifle their impulse to buy new and fancy things such as toys and clothing coming out every day. As a result, kids can feel disappointed if not satisfied, and in long term, this may lead to mental issues.

There are some endeavours could be done to reverse this alarming situation. Adults should encourage children to take part in entertainment activities such as sports or singing to divert them from academic pressures. In addition, a punishment system should be introduced to keep hate speech at bay and keep cyberspace a safe place for teenagers. Finally, the government may restrict commercials that target children as a way to help them cope with insatiable desires.

In conclusion, adults are responsible for the burdens put on kids today, and it is our job to make sure that every child has a carefree childhood.
Tunanut   
Nov 21, 2018
Writing Feedback / An IELTS task 2 essay on environmental laws - waste recycling [4]

Some people claim that not enough of the waste from homes is recycled. They say that the only way to increase recycling is for governments to make it a legal requirement. To what extent do you think laws are needed to make people recycle more of their waste?

the recycling policy



It is true that we are throwing away more than we recycled. Some people think that the only approach to this problem is to make recycling mandatory, but I believe that we could and should take further actions to reverse this trend.

In my opinion, environmental laws against those who fail to recycle is a good solution to the problem. By introducing such regulations, people would be discouraged from irresponsibly dumping their refuse. For example, if the government impose heavy penalties on people who do not sort their waste as demanded, everybody will try their best not to be fined by obeying the sorting rules. As a result, there will be less waste not being recycled. Looking at the argument in this light, some may claim that laws are all we need to solve the problem.

However, I do not agree that punishing people is the only solution we have. For one reason, it would be impossible to catch every law offender; so, such a punishment system is rather unrealistic. For example, households in my country throw their waste directly into a public bin, which makes it very difficult to determine who failed to obey the recycling regulations. Another reason is that it would be more effective if the government put education at the heart of its policy. For instance, children can learn about plastic waste at school, and how simple things such as canvas bags can reduce the amount of waste not being recycled. Such measures can help generate good recycling habits among the future generation, something that laws alone can hardly achieve.

In conclusion, maybe we need to make recycling strictly required by laws, but this would not be the only way to cut down the volume of not recycled waste.
Tunanut   
Nov 20, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Explain the need of learning a foreign language [2]

Some people say that the only reason for learning a foreign language is in order to travel to or work in a foreign country. Others say that these are not the only reasons why someone should learn a foreign language. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

foreign language knowledge can help those who will use it



The reasons to learn a new language are obvious to people who travel abroad or work overseas. While some claim that foreign languages can also be advantageous in other circumstances, I believe that they are only beneficial to the group mentioned above, as will now be discussed.

On the one hand, there are reasons to learn a new language other than to function normally in a foreign country. Firstly, people can use their language skills to broaden their global culture understanding by watching movies produced overseas. Secondly, knowing foreign languages enables us to read the news in other countries. For example, many readers in Vietnam used Weibo to keep themselves updated with stories and events happening in China.

On the other hand, I believe that only those who travel to a foreign country for money or entertainment should learn a new language. Like any skill, language skills can be weakened if not usually utilized. Those not travelling nor working overseas are less likely to use foreign languages regularly and therefore, should not spend their time learning something they may soon forget. Also, to master a new language is extremely arduous and daunting, meaning that one must devote huge amounts of time and dedication to sharpen language skills. Thus, only those who have a serious need of using a new language should put themselves up to such a challenge. Otherwise, doing so may not be helpful.

In conclusion, knowing a new language can help us do spectacular things such as exploring exotic cultures and reading foreign news. However, I hold the view that for those who are not travelling abroad or working in a foreign firm in the future, learning new languages could be a waste of time and energy, as explained in this essay.
Tunanut   
Nov 17, 2018
Writing Feedback / An IELTS task 2 essay on noise control [4]

Thanks for commenting on my essay. But, I think I'm not going to and not trying to have a balance answer here, nor to make the first argument more convincing. The reason is I'm in favor of the second idea, which means I would spend more effort to develop it.
Tunanut   
Nov 16, 2018
Writing Feedback / Discuss the merits and demerits of competitive sports in schools [4]

Hi, here are some of my thoughts:
_______________________________
Major comments:
Overall your task response is sound. But the way you develop things isn't perfect:
+ In the first body paragraph, you have 3 support ideas but they are actually just 2 and they are not linked. The first is about strength and entertainment, the second is about personal skills and teamwork, the last is again about health and being smarter (health and strength are not very different).

I suggest you choose just one or two of ideas and develop them fully, with examples.
Actually, you are supposed to specifically write about competitive sports, so none of your support ideas will work. (This is a very big trap isn't it ? I could have been tricked too.)

My recommendation is: Competitive games can help children get used to winning and losing(Winning is great and is worth living for, Losing is not the end as long as you don't give up, blah...)

+ In the second body paragraph, you did the same thing. Should have developed them fully. How can feelings superiority and jealousy is a bad thing? Should explain further here.

I suggest take the second support idea: Competitive sports can divert children from their schoolwork (because winning is an addictive thing, and kids have to train more to win more).

________________________________
Trivial comments:
+ "It provides them with an opportunity to ..." Are you sure you used "besides" correctly?

Correct examples:
I have a lot of passions besides collecting bottle caps.
I have no other family besides my parents
Because heavy academic work is not a form of entertainment(for most people), you might be using wrong.
+ "On the contrary, the reasons why ..." Correct syntax but I bet that natives do not write like that. It is too long, and awkward while it could be done simply: " ..., there are reasons why sports should be played outside schools." The reader may see that you write a long sentence on purpose, and that is not helping you. It should only be long if it need to be.

+ "getting involved in championships ": This expression got only 7 results on google.
That means it is not popular and maybe the natives don't write like that. It's awkward.
_________________________________
I think you can get a 6. I'm no expert.
Also, as I can see, you have a Vietnamese. If you write regularly, maybe we should connect and help each other.
Good luck!
Tunanut   
Nov 16, 2018
Writing Feedback / Writing task 2 ielts. Teenage crime issue. 'Why an how' essay. [5]

Hi, I have some comments

1. Nowadays, in many countries, the percentage of criminals who are under 18 has witnessed a dramatic growth. The lack of parental supervision and negative influences from other peers are identified as the root of the trending. Therefore, both parents and educators take responsibility to mitigate the dilemma.

This is the best opening I've seen today. It is on point and task response is great. You can make it better:
+ "are identified as the root of the trending": this is "too" perfect. I mean you are suppose to give possible reasons. So don't make it sound perfect, it is redundant and can pull your mark down

+ "trending" is not a noun
+ "Therefore, both parents and educators (should) take responsibility to mitigate the dilemma": You are suggesting solutions, so let's add "should". Also, dilemma is a tricky word, make sure you consult a good dictionary to understand what is means. For short, it means a bad situation where every choices are equally bad. See? You didn't use it right.

2. "adolecents": you write it wrong, Microsoft Word could help you but try not to make such mistake. (I know it's a hard word)
3. "inappropriate activities": This phrase is not remotely close to crime. Spanking yourself on the street could be inappropriate but is it a crime?
4. "It is explained that ": Consider remove this thing, it add no meaning nor any information. It makes the reader confused.
5. "concentrate": word choice. I would use focus. Focus and concentrate is not the same. The scope of focus is bigger. Concentrate is for small, specific task. Not very often they can be used interchangeably.

6. "hectic": fancy word but don't use it wrong. Check examples in this: dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/hectic
You can write a hectic day/week/month/schedule..... you can't write He/she is hectic. hectic is not for human

That's just some of my thoughts. I may come back latter.
Also, in my opinion, you can get band 6 for this. I'm not very sure about this.
Tunanut   
Nov 16, 2018
Writing Feedback / Why urban areas has led to overpopulation and which are possible solutions for these problems. [4]

Hi, here are some of my comments:
========================
Some trivial comments:
+ When population increase(s) significantly, then it becomes ... to overcome problems.
What problems? Consider remove this sentence, because it is basically another, but worse, version of the second sentences.
+ ... discuss why urban areas has led to overpopulation: This is not what you are asked to do, ACCORDING TO THE TOPIC
+ First and far foremost
+ Put simply, ... population, to overcome ...
After the comma, I expected a linking device but found none. Bad C&C
.....
There are so many more problems. In general, your essay is butchered, and I suggest you read tons of model answers. It's best to copy them by hand and understand why the authors write that way. Or simply read more and more model answers.

This sounds harsh, but your essay is hopeless. I highly recommend you take a class if you seriously want to learn IELTS writing task 2.
Tunanut   
Nov 16, 2018
Writing Feedback / An IELTS task 2 essay on noise control [4]

Some people think that there should be some strict controls about noise. Others think that they could just make as much noise as they want. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

sound influence on human life and health



It is widely known that sounds have a strong correlation to the quality of human life and health, both physically and mentally. While some people argue that a man should be free to make noise as he pleases, I agree with those who advocate a rigid policy of sound control, as will now be discussed.

On one hand, I can see why some people are against noise controls. For example, for big entertainment events such as live music concerts and festivals, cacophony is clearly unavoidable. The participants see the noise as an integral part of the recreational aspect of such events. Looking at the argument in this side, many people feel that man-made noise should not be restrained.

On the other hand, I side with people who support a noise control system, because it is undeniable that there are also people who are unwillingly affected by loudness in bad ways. I was once failed my test because a public nearby speaker, which was unceasingly producing unbearable loud music, made me unable to fully pay attention to questions in the test. Not only students, but patients in hospitals also suffer from noise. It prevents them from sleeping and thus, halt the recovering process, and this takes a heavy toll on their health. Any threats to the functionality of critical organizations like hospitals and schools must be banned or controlled, and noise is no exception.

In conclusion, while loud sounds are, under certain circumstances, a means of entertainment, I hold the view that regulations on noise issues are necessary to maintain a functional society. If not properly restricted, songs can also become security threats, as explained in this essay.
Tunanut   
Nov 16, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS essasy Task 2 Young adults seem to prefer to spend their leisure time on shopping [5]

I have mixed feelings about your essay. On one hand, I can learn a lot from your fancy writing style. But, the reasoning in your essay wasn't strong enough. I would say this essay can get a 6 if the exam is in a good mood. There are lots to improve. Following is some of my thoughts.

#=========================#
My major comments:
+ The 1st body paragraph is about how quick and easy the buying process is, but the skating rings and cinema is not illustrate that point. The process is easy and "it is easy to be temped" are completely different things.

+ Without a concrete topic sentence for "Does shopping have more negative or positive features?", you can confused the reader when they start reading the 2nd body paragraph. Should do what the exam expects us to do. The same happens to the 3rd paragraph, because "Madness or not" is uncalled for, so consider removing it

#=========================#
Some trivial personal comments:
+ Using 2 sentences to draw a general scheme in the opening is not the best choice.
+ I suggest "younger generations" (plural) in the 1st sentence (or the young(er) generation)
+ "The reasons (for this - I suggest) ... can be both worrying and exciting." The question is "Does shopping have ...", not does the reasons ..., and it sounds awkward to me anw.

+ "Reason number one" - this is speaking language, consider switching to "The first reason"
+ "...because the process is quick..." I agree that Joel Embiid is fast, but you need to specify "the buying/purchase process"
+ You made an assumption that consumerism is a problem (which is, to me, controversial), and that young adults are supposed to deal with it (I don't think only the young, or the old, or any specific group are supposed to).

+ "shopping is not that bad" is for speaking only.
+ "But that is just a part of the process" what process, I feel lost 0.o
Tunanut   
Nov 16, 2018
Writing Feedback / Colour can affect how people feel. How true is this statement? [4]

I can instantly spot some major grammatical errors in your writing. Could you please get your essay checked first before uploading? I recommend grammarly, where you can check these sneaky bugs for free: essayscam.org/forum/gt/grammarly-anti-plagiarism-checker-finding-previously-4995/

I will following discuss my view on how to do this topic right, and you can see that your key ideas wasn't answering the questions.

The topic asks us two questions How true is "...attention should be given to colour schemes...", and How far... So, what we need to do is state and explain the effect of colors to the performance of hospitals and offices. Since it is impossible to write each paragraph to answer each question, you made a good choice: one paragraph for hospitals and one for offices.

But, right in the topic sentence, you are suppose to give your general idea, for example: It is true that we must be carefully with color schemes in the workplace. You can see that your 1st paragraph doesn't have a quality topic sentence.

Similarly, your second paragraph doesn't give the needed answer.
Your conclusion doesn't do a great job in summarizing your ideas in body paragraph nor in restating your answer to the questions. The opening also did not five any information except your plan.

I suggest the following remedies for your essay, and also your writing(I believe that your writing quality will improve a lot if you take my advice seriously):

+ consult with grammarly to check grammatical errors for free before uploading your work
+ Know what is the big ideas and where to state them:
In the opening, you must give a general answer to the questions. Your plan ("t(consider capitalizing this t)his essay will ..") is optional.
In the ending, you'd be better off summarizing your ideas + answering the question. For example: Color design has a a strong correlation to the performance of organizations such as companies and hospitals, and we surely should pay due attention to this factor. (See how I repeat companies and hospitals to make the ending sound relevant. Don't oversee this!)

In the body paragraphs, pay more attention to your topic sentences: Directly answer the questions: Is it true and if it is, to what extreme?.

My try: For an office, it is true that options of color schemes should be considered thoroughly because poor choices, while might not drive the company out of business, can prevent the organization from reaching its highest potential.

Similarly, colors in a hospital, though may not decisively affect the conditions of patients and the performance of medical staff, can still have indirect effects to the recovering process and the service quality.

I hope my answer can help.
Tunanut   
Nov 15, 2018
Writing Feedback / An IELTS Task 2 about Young vs Old leaders [3]

Leaders and directors in an organisation are normally older people. Some people think younger leader would be better. Do you agree or disagree?

the age of leaders



It is true that today the leadership roles are prevalently held by senior staff members in many organizations. While some argue that young employees should be promoted instead, I believe that the old are more cut out for managerial jobs.

An indisputable reason for the outstanding competence of old people is their enriched experience. In a company, those who have many years of service under their belt often understand the organization and its business the most. They know what are the traps in the business and how not to fail, and such understanding is vital to the survival of a company. Young members, on the other hand, are not only new to the job but also are usually regarded as risk-takers. This is to say, there are chances that a young leader can drive the company out of business with some of his bold, half-baked ideas.

Another advantage of seniority is the ability to win others' approval, which plays the pivotal role in the success of a leader. Most of the time when an old man raises his voice, people would pay their undivided attention, and this is hardly achievable if the speaker has only a few years of working experience. Young people, on their way to leadership, must dedicate tremendous amounts of energy and time making contributions to prove their worthiness, so that people can trust and give them full support.

In conclusion, I hold the view that young people should be promoted with consideration. In long run, it is more sensible to hold the aged members in charge of leadership.
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