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Discuss the merits and demerits of competitive sports in schools [4]
Hi, here are some of my thoughts:
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Major comments:
Overall your task response is sound. But the way you develop things isn't perfect:
+ In the first body paragraph, you have 3 support ideas but they are actually just 2 and they are not linked. The first is about strength and entertainment, the second is about personal skills and teamwork, the last is again about health and being smarter (health and strength are not very different).
I suggest you choose just one or two of ideas and develop them fully, with examples.
Actually, you are supposed to specifically write about competitive sports, so none of your support ideas will work. (This is a very big trap isn't it ? I could have been tricked too.)
My recommendation is: Competitive games can help children get used to winning and losing(Winning is great and is worth living for, Losing is not the end as long as you don't give up, blah...)
+ In the second body paragraph, you did the same thing. Should have developed them fully. How can feelings superiority and jealousy is a bad thing? Should explain further here.
I suggest take the second support idea: Competitive sports can divert children from their schoolwork (because winning is an addictive thing, and kids have to train more to win more).
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Trivial comments:
+ "It provides them with an opportunity to ..." Are you sure you used "besides" correctly?
Correct examples:
I have a lot of passions besides collecting bottle caps.
I have no other family besides my parents
Because heavy academic work is not a form of entertainment(for most people), you might be using wrong.
+ "On the contrary, the reasons why ..." Correct syntax but I bet that natives do not write like that. It is too long, and awkward while it could be done simply: " ..., there are reasons why sports should be played outside schools." The reader may see that you write a long sentence on purpose, and that is not helping you. It should only be long if it need to be.
+ "getting involved in championships ": This expression got only 7 results on google.
That means it is not popular and maybe the natives don't write like that. It's awkward.
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I think you can get a 6. I'm no expert.
Also, as I can see, you have a Vietnamese. If you write regularly, maybe we should connect and help each other.
Good luck!