Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: more young people in society - evaluation of this trend [4]

Yanhong,

I suggest that you look into revising a few portions of your essay to make them easier to comprehend. Look into having a more direct approach to writing than adding lengthy phrases.

For instance, the last line of your first paragraph could be written as:
There are both drawbacks and benefits when a country is faced with the trend of a growing young population.
Another one could be for the last line of your second paragraph wherein it can be phrased as:
This causes the government to spend heavily on housing.
When you are laying down facts, avoid articulating it with uncertain language. Make sure that your language is firmer. For instance, avoid mentioning "may cause" or "might be" - instead, you can mention that these are all plausible results. This will make your article sound well-thought about and researched.

Lastly, I suggest revising your last paragraph. It appears to be an extended paragraph that can be divided into two different sentences than one. Make your conclusion clear and concise.

Research Papers / Is Medical radiation safe? [2]

Bframirez,
On a technical level, I suggest that you review the usage of punctuation. There were a few sentences wherein you could have utilized a comma or a semi-colon, however you simply continued on writing. Take, for instance, your first paragraph. You should also look into subject-verb agreements and grammatical errors that can easily be fixed.

I suggest that you add more concrete details to your explanations. When you first make mention of the common assumption about radiation's nature of being an unsafe substance, discuss briefly where this comes from. This will be a more grounded approach to your essay than simply letting it be.

Furthermore, you should avoid lengthy paragraphs. A typical paragraph length would be four to six paragraphs. Although there are instances wherein you justify length by saying that some sentences are intertwined, longer versions should be avoided. This can drag an essay down even if it is well-written. Take a look at your second and third paragraph. If you are worried that you might have too many paragraphs for a typical essay, you may omit certain unnecessary words to avoid this issue.

Regarding your usage of acronyms, once you declare an acronym, simply omit the whole meaning in the succeeding times. For instance, you do not need to mention digital radiography if you have introduced the acronym DR. Simply use DR in the next sentences - and that would still be academically acceptable.

Lastly, your usage of citations is also off-tangent. I notice that you are using MLA citations. You can simply use the name of the institution or last name of the individual followed by the page number (if available) in the in-text version.

Letters / MOTIVATIONAL LETTER - EXCHANGE PROGRAM (Leuven KU) [2]

Akurvensc,
Your essay already has sufficient information regarding your personal background. It is wise that you mentioned your motivation - and how pursuing an exchange can better you as an individual. I would suggest expounding more on the academic portion your paper. You touched on the field of business administration in your fourth field, however you were not able to link it properly to your current program. I suggest that you go in-depth into this. Going on exchanges are supposedly both academically-fueled and, at the same time, supported by your own personal values and long-term aspirations.

I also suggest adding more details to your last paragraph. You may also include a more conclusive background. The one you have right now still leaves the evaluators with questions. You can answer, for instance, why Belgium's educational system is one that you are truly looking for. Showcase how you've researched extensively about the country's background information to show how persevering and dedicated you are to be part of the program.

Best of luck to your application.

Writing Feedback / Tofel writing part 2--whether children nowadays are more difficult to educate that in previous times [2]

Ruslai0,
Your essay is on the right direction. However, I do suggest that you look into shortening your sentences. If you can reread your essay and find that some portions can be divided into two separate sentences, please do so. This will make your writing easier to read, hence it will improve how comprehensible your essay is.

I also noticed that your third paragraph is quite out of place. Perhaps if you switched your third and fourth paragraph, you can create a better structure as both the second and fourth paragraph discuss dynamics of technology and its correlation with teaching students. You can perhaps start off by discussing how technology paves way for the dissemination of information. Afterwards, you can discuss how progression of technology has also resulted to a new approach to education.

I also suggest that you can add more flair to your essay by merging both social networking and technological advancement in relation to educating people. You may discuss here how technology can assist, for instance, students who are introverted and less outgoing to have more interpersonal skills development because of media-based networks.

You may as well add more details to your conclusion to make it more comprehensive.
Best of luck!

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for MSc in Data Science (Marketing Analysis) [2]

Pharyacha,

There are a couple of things I want you to take note of. Academic reviewers will appreciate that you have expounded on the details of why your professional background makes you a good candidate for the program. I do suggest, however, that you look into adding a personal flair to your essay. What this means is talk about your values, ambitions, and long-term goals. This can help the evaluators see the in-depth reason as to why you will have an inner drive. This is important for them to empathize with you as an applicant - to gain their attention. Remember, there are numerous applicants who may also have similar backgrounds as you. Let your personality shine through more in your essay to make a mark.

I also suggest that you look into tackling what makes you different from other people. If you believe that your extensive professional experience is what makes you stand out, discuss that through giving them an insight as to who you are as a person. Remember that these academicians who evaluate do not merely look at your track record; they also look into you as an individual.

Aside from that, your essay is already on the right track. Best of luck to you!

Scholarship / Build Indonesia's Potential Through Border Economic Potential [3]

Darkknight1995,

I suggest that you try shortening your sentences to make your thoughts more comprehensible. While lengthy sentences are generally alright, you can create a better flow by being direct to the point. If you feel that you can cut a sentence into two different thoughts, choose to do that.

Essays are also typically comprised of three paragraphs. This will delineate the introduction, body, and conclusion to create more structure. I suggest that cut your first paragraph in half, create a transition for a new paragraph, and utilize your current second paragraph to conclude your thoughts.

Furthermore, I suggest that you make a more extensive analysis of why the education system of Australia best fits you. Because you are aiming to showcase how you fit into the picture, you can show this by explaining more about what makes the country suitable for your academic and professional needs.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2: Discuss about advantages and disadvantages of private medical services. [4]

Eren,

On a personal note, I appreciate how the structure of your essay makes it comprehensible and understandable. I do have a couple of suggestions that will improve the flow of your narrative.

Firstly, reconsider the phrasing and your general usage of some particular words. For instance, in the first paragraph, be clear by what you mean when you mention of the medical services sector being a form of business than a service. You can briefly explain how privatization and heavily monopolizing this can result to higher prices in services, making it inaccessible. Touching on these arguments can improve your essay's quality because it shows a long-term perception.

Secondly, when you are using transition sentences, you can be more creative. You can, for instance, omit the "on the one hand" in your second paragraph; this can also eliminate the repetition from the words because you use a similar opener in your third paragraph.

Lastly, I suggest that you add more details to your concluding remarks. You simply wrapped up the essay by mentioning how the drawbacks are proof that profit-making companies have no space in medical services. You can add flairs to your essay by, for instance, discussing how this can be better for people who are poor. You may also discuss why this sector has to cater to these people because it's a fundamental right of everyone.

Best of luck to you.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay for Opportunity Fund Program by Usef...any suggestions ? [2]

NirajP,

I admire how you started your essay by telling your personal story. Generally speaking, the flow of your essay is sufficient when it comes to relaying information. I would only suggest tweaking it a little bit to make sure it is more professional.

On a technical level, I would suggest that you look into correcting your usage of spacing and punctuation marks. Also, I suggest reviewing your subject-verb agreements. It also helps to reread your essay out loud multiple times.

For instance, I could revise your second paragraph as:

I was in shock when the doctor told me to undergo surgery because the pain would be intolerable in the future. He mentioned that I could possibly be infertile because of it. This news came in all of a sudden. Due to this, I found it difficult to maintain a balance between my health and academics. My parents also struggled to manage expenses because of the additional financial burden.

I suggest adding details in the end of your essay about how you can potentially contribute to the academic institution. Often, when agencies such as this give away scholarships, they expect a return of investment. Talk more about your long-term goals - and how these goals can contribute to the institution. I also would like to suggest a revision on your last sentence. While improving your self-confidence as an individual can be a good reason, talk more about the potential impact of the scholarship on people close to you. This will ensure that the reviewers feel empathy towards you - hence, helping in boosting your chances for acceptance.

Best of luck to your application.

Writing Feedback / When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. [2]

Your manner of writing is good. A lot of readers would appreciate how straightforward you are when it comes to approaching your argument. However, there are a couple of things I'd suggest.

In your first paragraph, when you mention that there are other equally important factors, it would be better for you to introduce them already. If not, I suggest switching the second and third paragraph to create a better structure for your essay. If you were to move forward with this, I suggest altering the first sentence of the second (previously third) paragraph to make transition smoother.

For instance, you can say:
Aside from the monetary side, there are other elements such as suitability of career and alignment of values that both have to be considered when choosing a career.

It would also be desirable if you revised the second sentence of your first paragraph into something like:
Personally, I disagree with the idea because money is not the sole determinant of how fulfilling a career can be for an individual.

If you did both revisions, it can make the flow of your essay more organic. Furthermore, I suggest extending your concluding remarks because the one that you currently have leaves the readers hanging. Why is it important to consider these factors on a personal level? Is this a more sustainable approach for people who are seeking long-term commitments in their career?

Also, please review your essay once more. I have noticed that some portions have technical or grammatical-related (punctuation as well) issues. Watch out for run-on sentences.

Take your second paragraph as an example; we could revise one of the lines at the end as:
For instance, while singers or artists often have luxurious lives, there are a couple of cases wherein they can barely afford basic necessities.

Just remember the three things I mentioned: restructure your essay to be more organic, ensure that you have your grammar is as professional as can be, and don't leave hanging remarks for readers by creating short paragraphs like your conclusion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Future science will make human almost immortal. Is that good? [2]

Coke,

The direction of your essay is sufficient. I simply suggest extending the rationale of your explanations. For instance, you can extend the discussion of the mutual support through mentioning why this is better for the overall well-being of people in the family. Have a discussion about how this will enrich the family and ensure that members have heightened mental security. Talk about the impact of this to their lives; and talk about how this is better for the community itself.

Regarding your second argument in your essay, I suggest backing it up with more substantial information - some data perhaps. You could put statistics on the correlation of an aging population with the levels of stress in a family. Think about case studies that display similar behavior such as Japan's situation. This can strengthen your points and make your case stronger to have more appeal.

I also suggest looking into extending your argument in the opinion paragraph. It's not enough to talk about how the world has other issues - try expounding and tackling these issues on a grounded-approach to have more substantial information weighed in.

Aside from that, when concluding, ensure that you utilize a criterion. This means you can talk about why the negative reasons weigh more than the plausible benefits. Why is it the after-effect of the lengthening of people's lives detrimental because of its burden? Does it not give sufficient return-of-investment for the people?

Best of luck.

Research Papers / Mental Illnesses and The Causes [2]

Tyson,

While your essay is sufficient in terms of expounding details, you should be wary of structuring your paper. What I mean by this is that you could arrange your paragraphs to become harmonious. For instance, the shift between your second and third paragraph seems misconstrued (and confusing). Your first two paragraphs were a great start to your paper, however you then proceeded jumping into talking about how eating healthy can provide benefits. It would be better if you transferred that section to the last parts of your paper as to make a substantial conclusion to the discussion. If not, you can change the direction of your paper through altering the title. Because your title is focused on discussing initially the roots of mental illnesses, it's only right to begin with this than providing insight on curing it.

I also noticed that you quickly shift the general tone and direction of your essay. If you wish to focus on the causes of mental illness, then focus the discussion on that than talking about both the positive and negative impact of a particular act to one's mental health.

I would suggest sticking with an outline that is similar to this:
a. General introduction to mental illnesses
b. Causes of mental illnesses
- Lifestyle factors (income, sleep, stress levels, etc.)
- Biological factors (ADHD, anxiety, bipolar, etc.)
c. Conclusion
- Preventative measures (eating healthy, proper exercise, and others)
- Final remarks

In this way, you do not jump from discussions and become repetitive. You can cluster altogether your narratives on sleep and its correlation with mental health; and then you can proceed with doing the same for others.

Aside from this, you are already on the right track when it comes to expound your thoughts in an essay. Just make sure that you create harmony and structure. Keep an eye out also for how you phrase your titles and ensure that your entire essay is in line with it.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Ielt writing task 1 The table below shows key data on the demographics of 4 different countries [2]

Gio1999pt,

On a technical level, I would suggest looking into studying more about proper punctuation, subject-verb agreements, and grammar. Things such as oxford comma and knowing when to use particular terms can increase your academic credibility.

For instance, the first sentence could have been:
The table compares 4 different countries in terms of 3 features: population, GDP per capita, and average life expectancy.

I also suggest that you look into utilizing synonyms more into your essay. This can assist you into making your paper put-together. Also, be wary of your usage (or the lack thereof) of articles or modifiers.

Derived from your third paragraph, I could make this revision:
People in the United States have gained the highest rate of GDP per capita at approximately $681 USD.

If you can notice, I referred formally to the country rather than simply inputting the data present in the table. This can also structure your paper better because you would have more of an organic flow. Having data in a graph to analyze does not mean that you have to necessarily copy and paste from it to dissect the details.

Furthermore, I would also suggest to have more consistency in the writing style. This means that to avoid confusing the readers, you could perhaps refrain from alternating between their placement in the table and what the country is also called. This will result to a harmonious paper overall.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 - layouts of a university's sports center [3]

Crystlho,

I would suggest merging the first two paragraphs of your essay together because they seem to be simply hanging in terms of thought. Or perhaps, you can find a way to restructure your essay wherein your concluding remarks would fall after your comparison - not before. I have noticed that you the first paragraph was already making elucidations about the topic before explaining why the other plan has more facilities. I would also suggest expounding more about the details of the existing layout. You spent a huge part of the essay explaining the details of the new plan to the point that you had left behind the current layout.

What you can also do is make a side-by-side comparison of each portion of the layout than simply describing both of the structures.

Graduate / Goal of study and study plan for Korean university application [4]

Itha20,

Looking through your essay, I think it's already better than a lot of others I have personally come across. However, study plans usually encompass more than just mentioning your background. You should consider adding more of a prospective approach to your study. This means talk about why their curriculum and the environment of their school can contribute to your growth - and your research plans in accordance to those. A lot of applicants for academic institutions simply focus on explaining their background and why they need to be part of the program. However, a lot of these universities would also be delighted to hear not just why you fit into the program - but also, how they can benefit from your research skills.

I love how you told a story from the beginning. Often, applicants forget that telling personal stories can contribute immensely to the overall process. Reviewers love hearing about you as an individual.

I do have a couple of notes for you, though:
1. I suggest working on your sentence structures. Some of them could be greatly reduced and shortened. This can make your essay easier to read, therefore the review can appreciate your word more.

2. You may also restructure the format of your essay in terms of placement of thoughts. What I mean by this is that the fourth paragraph can instead be the third or second because it serves as an introductory to your life in Korea. Having a sequence to follow or a timeline would help with the flow of structure. Of course, this depends to you. But I suggest experimenting more with the structure.

3. You could go back to your story to cap your essay. In the beginning, you were mentioning the impact of visiting hospitals for you on a personal level. You could utilize this story to create harmony for your paper.

Aside from these notes, I think you're on the right track for applications. Best of luck to you.

Graduate / Letter of Motivation - MSc Economics Universitat Hamburg [2]

Inzzudinfarras,

I suggest that you review basic grammar rules and punctuation. There were several slips in your essay. I also noticed that you have a tendency to create run-on sentences - or create lines that do not flow naturally. Like what I always tell people, it would be nice if you could articulate things in a precise manner. This means you should shorten your sentences to make them easier to understand.

For instance, I would suggest revising the third paragraph to something similar to this:

From this experience, I have proven to my family and myself that I can be responsible in accomplishing tasks I am interested in. This is also the reason why I am pursuing a postgraduate degree in economics; and I also aim to be successful in this. That being said, I wish to carry on with this dream under the MSc Economics at Universitat Hamburg.

You will notice that I have done two things: ensured that there is an organic flow in structure and capitalized on how this is truly a dream for you. If you emphasize more on the idea that you treat this as something you have been aiming for your entire life, it could heighten your chances. There were instances, however, wherein the admissions essay had sections that were quite repetitive already (mentioning how this is your dream, that you are a competent learner). While these sections are good, you should still consider adding more of a personal touch. Perhaps tell a story about your life that makes it more intimate for the admission's officer. People are touched by stories.

You should also consider adding a section from your letter dedicated to showcasing your skills and how you can contribute to the university. It is imperative that you can show that not only is this your dream - but that you can also bring something to the table that other applicants do not. Keep in mind that they receive hundreds if not thousands of applications. Show why you are different - and explicitly mention why your Indonesian background makes you an exceptional candidate.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / NTU Scholarship Essay: The Value of Self-Discipline [2]

Agb2k,

I think your essay is headed in the right direction. I would propose, though, trying to cut down your sentences. While a lot of people think that admission or scholarship essays should be long and daunting, it should instead flow naturally. Avoid over explaining your thoughts, especially because you only have 300 words to catch the attention of the reader. Short and sweet will always get your audience.

For instance, let's revise the first sentence of your second paragraph. You could have said:

Self-discipline, admittedly, is a tedious task. But once triumphed, it's worth it.

What I did was not only compress the thought into a smaller or shorter structure, but I also made sure that there were necessary pauses to make the sentence easier to digest. You should as well consider reviewing your grammar and punctuation rules before proceeding.

Writing Feedback / Strict ban on plastic bags - opinion essay [2]

Jalp,

I think the structure of your essay is already good. However, I would also consider looking into breaking down your sentences. You have a tendency to create long sentences which can easily be stripped down to be friendlier to the reader.

For instance, let's take into account your first paragraph. I would have made the second sentence into this:

Many countries have banned plastic bags to save the environment because they contribute to the degradation of the earth.

This is a better way to phrase it because you are able to establish your thought and reasoning without dragging the sentence.

Another revision could be from your third paragraph wherein the last sentence can be phrased as:

The huge amount of plastic bags have caused the failure of dams to accommodate to large flows of water, especially when the storm comes. This results to flooding.

Apart from this, I also suggest that when making academic essays, make sure that you extensively discuss the why of your arguments. When you mention how pollution contributes to the earth's problems, it would be wise to mention statistics. This can make your essay well-grounded and factual. Also, please make sure that you review your grammar rules because you make small mistakes such as using "who" instead of "that" when referring to objects. I appreciate your usage of examples, however just keep in mind my previous comments about your usage of grammar.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays changes need to be made regarding the school curriculum, prepare children for adulthood [2]

Saons, I think there are two points to consider in your essay. Firstly, let's delve into the technicalities of your paper. You have instances wherein your proper usage of commas (general punctuation) is lacking.

For instance, take this revised sentence from the first paragraph:
With the clear purpose to achieve it, a wide range of changes should be made in the school curriculum as soon as possible.

Small changes such as this can make your paper more academically credible because they showcase a fundamental understanding of the usage of text. Ensure that you review the usage of proper usage of punctuation before you proceed.

I also suggest looking into merging the third and fourth paragraph to make it more substantial. I have noticed that the third paragraph is hanging in its context. A general rule of thump is that paragraphs should have at least four sentences for formality purposes. While some may argue otherwise, I think it's still safe to follow this.

You should begin looking into answering more of the rationale behind the texts that you have. When you make broad proclamations such as arguing that children do not need "useless content" when it comes to learning, you should expound on what those things are and explain concretely why you think they're irrelevant to the educational system.

The thought of your essay is on-point, however it does need further tailor-fitting to make it more substantial and knowledge-based (factual) rather than a cluster of opinions.