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Posts by Significa
Joined: Oct 31, 2009
Last Post: Dec 31, 2009
Threads: 5
Posts: 14  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 19
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Significa   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Boston University - Why BU? (6 sentences) and 3words that describe you Essay [7]

Hmm, it should be common sense though right?

I changed the first paragraph to this, maybe it looks like I read the prompt now :P

There are many different people in the world. Some people are active participants in their communities, some people are friendly people respected by their peers, and others are dedicated workers hoping to achieve their goals. Me? I am friendly, active, and dedicated. I inhabit a balance of all three of these qualities that make me a well rounded candidate for BU.
Significa   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / NYU Supplement - Multiple Prompts + Topic Ideas [12]

Hmm, anyone disagree with my other ones?

Also, how about this last line revision on this? It's a bit more concentrated on why I want to talk to him.

If you had the opportunity to spend one day in New York City with a famous New Yorker, who would it be and what would you do? (Your New Yorker can be anyone -past or present, fictional or nonfictional - who is commonly associated with New York City; they do not necessarily have to have been born and raised in New York.)

READ ABOVE
Significa   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Boston University - Why BU? (6 sentences) and 3words that describe you Essay [7]

In five or six sentences, tell us how you first became interested in BU and what steps you have taken to learn more about us.

Boston University has been a college of interest to me for a long time. When I visited Boston two years ago, I fell in love with the city and hoped to find a college that resided in Boston. I explored many websites, asked friends and relatives but the only college in Boston that seemed to fit my personality the best is BU. I have visited many websites about BU and looked all over the BU website and it never ceases to amaze me. To top it all off, many of my friends are also interested in BU.

In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.

There are many different people in the world. Some people are active participants in their communities, some people are friendly people adored by their peers, and others are dedicated workers hoping to achieve their goals. Me? I am a mix of all three of these qualities. I inhabit a balance of all three of these qualities that make me a well rounded candidate for BU.

My active participation in my school and community is one of my qualities that I admire most and probably the most useful to the BU community. Active participation is the key to growth in many communities. By participating, a person can improve himself and also his community. In school, I played on the Varsity Fencing Team. Not only do I compete for my school for reward and recognition but I serve as a powerful moral support for my teammates. I actively participate in all the events and act as a powerful persuasion for my teammates to help them succeed. Furthermore, I help the troubled students in my school by tutoring math. Everyday afterschool, I spend time assisting my peers with their work or no one requires help, I assist the teachers in their day's work.

However, this participation does not cease outside of school. Sometimes I assist the mentally disabled individuals via the Special Olympics program. Through two hour sessions, I work as a counselor aiding students by teaching them to play soccer. Other times, I assist my community by participating in many fund raiser walks and causes by assisting them in raising money and participating in the events. I believe I can also actively participate in the BU community and contribute to it as I did here at home.

Furthermore, my friendly personality and dedication to my activities could offer the entire community an insight into a brighter future. In high school, I was a dedicated student who worked hard to achieve my goals. Starting as a normal student with regular classes, I gradually became one of the top students with all the hardest courses. More importantly, I learned about the different levels of society as I advanced through these different courses. This knowledge allows me to communicate with people of many different personalities. This social skill has made me friendlier and has allowed me to see the needs of different people. I hope to use this skill to contribute to the BU community by helping people accommodate with the many different customs and connect to the diverse population at BU.

With time, I believe these three qualities of mine will be of much assistance to the BU community. My active participation along with my friendly personality and dedication will help the BU community evolve into a friendlier and social community.

Please be as harsh as you need but be honest :)
Significa   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Upenn Supplement: Bioengineering + EWB [12]

Thuy-Khue Tran is Common Application ID number __________. Quote it or rephrase, it's in third person. I am a number.

They will tell you that I am the girl who bursts out laughing in dead silence, builds Rubens' Tubes for fun, or cries when her dad eats her pet lobster. Thus, I am searching for an extended family within University of Pennsylvania that can provide me with an academic and supportive community.

The last two sentences don't read connect, the one before doesn't cause the one after

Distinct programs like the Bioengineering Program will allow me to satiate my curiosity for the natural world by Sounds like the program is discovering, wording needs to be changed discovering all the possibilities that it contains, whether it be by turning material waste into energy, growing bones for stem cells or finding a cure for the hiccups.

-Needs transitions between the paragraphs. There's little flow.
-Upenn -> UPenn
-You say how you contribute to everything else but how will you contribute to the school?
Significa   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Success - I want to choose the path that will not let me regret taking chances in my life [5]

I have to agree with the earlier posters. The essay readers want to know about you. Sure, background information is nice but that covers almost 75% of your essay. make it more personalized and less about the book. Go into it briefly and say how it has influenced you.

It seems more like a plot summary at this point.
Significa   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Cornell CALS AEM - Interests/Related experience how influence your major? [5]

College of Agriculture and Life Sciences:
How have your interests and related experiences influenced your selection of major?


It all began with my knowledge of my excellence in math. I was not always aware of excellence in this area but this changed when my peers began stereotyping that Asians are geniuses at math. Although some people may disagree with being the product of your peers, I object. Your peers have a large effect on your life; it is the way that you utilize the effect that they had on you that matters most. I was able to utilize this skill and benefited from it by getting high grades in the math classes. Furthermore, my peers' assistance in the

discovery of my skill also assisted in the decision of my future career.

The business done at my home every day was also a strong motivational factor. In my childhood, my parents often invested in the stock market and they would watch the tickers change every day. Now, my parents are involved in an EBay business. When you are surrounded by business related activities, your inclinations are also affected by it. Eventually, I got involved in business too. I started making small money by reading emails and clicking links. This influence later expanded to the games I played as I invested in the auction houses of the games for the sole purpose of making money. By then, I had realized that my career belonged in business and the only question that remained was "What type of business?"

I made my decision during high school. As a member of the Academy of Finance program, I was required to take College Accounting during my junior year. At first, I had believed that the class was another simple math class. I was correct that it was a simple math class but I discovered it was not just another class. The class utilized my excellence in math with particular aspects of business that could possibly promise me a job in the future. It provided cash in return for utilizing something that I was already an expert at. Furthermore, when I attended a Career Day hosted by the New York State of Certified Public Accountants, I realized that the career had also involved many other activities that I had enjoyed. Travelling to other countries and meeting up with clients, earning lots of money, and having your own office - these were all part of being an accountant. It seemed like the perfect career option for me.

The more days that pass, the more I want to be an accountant. It is because I am surrounded by business every day. Going to the store and buying a donut? Business. Going to school or not going to school? The school's business. Crossing the street and almost getting run over? Insurance business. It is evident in nearly every activity I do and that serves as a continual motivation for my career as an accountant. It may not be strictly accounting but it surely involves it or a variation of it.

Honestly critique this please. If it's boring, cliche, etc - Let me know. Be harsh :)
Significa   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Carnegie mellon: small classes, the eminent professors, the diversity [5]

Hmm, I think the exclamation mark at the end of the second paragraph doesn't quite fit in. Also possibly the 80 pound one, it isn't emphasized correctly and the sentence is weird. It's in the end and in a single day. Pick one or the other imo

Like, "In a single day, we managed to collect 80 pounds of trash!)" or "In the end, we managed to collect over 80 pounds of trash!)

Thirdly, I don't see the big relevance of the third paragraph to the essay. Seems like a re-list of your extracurricular activities that would be found on your common app.
Significa   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Boston University Supplement - Three words; [15]

I agree with what you said. A dialogue isn't a essay and contribution to the BU community should be more of the essay as everyone has different qualities. They want to know how you can help them in return for their education.
Significa   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / NYU Supplement - Multiple Prompts + Topic Ideas [12]

In addition to any work experience that you listed on your application, please tell us how you spent your most recent summer vacation.
My most recent summer vacation was filled with hard work and preparation for college. I used my time wisely to earn money, study for the ACT, and train for my upcoming fencing season. On some days, I would be found at the Staten Island Fencing Club while on other days I would be studying, working out, or just having fun. However, in the midst of all of this, I was earning money. Through a couple of online websites, I created a mini business to earn money and fund my hobbies.

If you had the opportunity to spend one day in New York City with a famous New Yorker, who would it be and what would you do? (Your New Yorker can be anyone -past or present, fictional or nonfictional - who is commonly associated with New York City; they do not necessarily have to have been born and raised in New York.)

I would spend my day with Heroes character Peter Petrelli. He is a man blessed with superhuman powers and he uses these powers to help the world rather than himself. After having a chat with him, I would try to go along with him in saving the world. We could feed the homeless, secure the public, and help the world. With Peter's power, we could help the world faster than anyone else has done.

Write a haiku, limerick, or short (eight lines or less) poem that best represents you.
There once was a man named Dan,
Oh what a mistaken man,
He done all he should,
But not all he could,
Oh, what has happened to his plan?

OR

A man who knew calculus
Tried something very miraculous.
"Divide by zero"
Exclaimed the hero.
Isn't he just ridiculous?

In the year 2050, a movie is being made of your life. Please tell us the name of your movie and briefly summarize the story line.

"Chen"
Born and raised in the heart of New York, Daniel Chen was a normal teenager who never expected to do anything more than a job at CVS. His life changes when his dad becomes unemployed and Daniel is forced to a life of hard work while trying to maintain his education and social life. This movie explores how the change has paved the path for him to become one of today's corporate titans.

Please tell us what led you to select your anticipated academic program and/or NYU school/college, and what interests you most about your intended discipline.

Business describes my everyday life. I take business classes, earn money, and have parents who are involved in the stock market. That is why I chose New York University as one of my top choices for college. It is located in the heart of New York, a city that I was raised in and love dearly. Furthermore, NYU provides various opportunities for me when I graduate because its excellence in business and its ability to accommodate me to the future location of my career.
Significa   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / 'I didn't get sick' - NYU Supplements- my summer vacation was... [8]

Hmm, I think this answer is rather ambiguous. perhaps expand a bit more on one particular idea instead of being all over the place. I know the character limit doesn't give much room for description but perhaps try to elaborate on idea.

I also agree with the suggestions that poisonivy suggested.
Significa   
Dec 7, 2009
Undergraduate / Macaulay Essay - How book affected you and changed your world- First Draft [3]

Tell us about a book, artwork, or lab experiment that changed the way you see the world. What was it about the work that affected you? How did your world become different? (500 words or less)

-I'm thinking it may be too concentrated as a plot summary - what do you think?
-Not sure if I answered the question properly.


Throughout most of my childhood life, I have always had a dream of becoming rich one day and using that wealth to impress others. This later evolved into the hope of impressing However, this changed in my junior year of high school when I read The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Like many Americans of my generation, I pursued a life of wealth just for the sake of public image and just the money. Essentially, it can be called the typical American Dream. However, upon reading The Great Gatsby, I realized that there was more to the American Dream than becoming rich. Being rich would only guarantee me a life of high taxes and a lot of "friends" but it would not grant me what I had wanted - to impress a particular girl that I had liked. Fitzgerald demonstrated the possible consequences of such thoughts with the life of Jay Gatsby. A disillusioned man filled with hopes of becoming rich and marrying his high school sweetheart, Gatsby ultimately succeeds in becoming rich but falls short of earning the love of the girl of his dreams. Despite his hard work, Gatsby succeeded only in attaining a lavish lifestyle and a cold-blooded death.

According to the author F. Scott Fitzgerald, the American Dream use to be about discovery, individualism, and the pursuit of happiness. My original dream may have been about the happiness but surely not about discovery or individualism. Instead my dream was part of the newer and corrupt American Dream about the deep desire for money and pleasure. During the story, I saw in the lifestyle of Gatsby that was very similar to my lifestyle - he sought to become rich to impress a girl. Not only did he fail on his dream of impressing the girl but he also ruined his life in the process of it. I hope to not make the same mistake as he did.

Gatsby's chaotic lifestyle and disastrous ending gave me second thoughts about my ambitions. I began to wonder if the pursuit of wealth for the sole purpose of impressing one person could do me more harm than good. I did eventually convince myself to let hold of my former ambitions for newer and more realistic ambitions unlike those of Gatsby. Although, the changes were not drastic, it did change my perspective of the world and open myself up to more opportunities. No longer did I restrict myself to a certain path of becoming rich nor restrict myself to one girl. Furthermore, I expanded my choices so I would not be in the same dead end that Gatsby had encountered. I began exploring more of my interests and opening pathways for myself. Ever since The Great Gatsby granted me this insight, I have begun to see the world's vast opportunities. Oh, and I'm glad I opened myself to more opportunities because I learned that the parents of the girl I liked was a multimillionaire - would have been hard to top that!

It's my first draft, feel free to rip it apart.
Significa   
Dec 7, 2009
Undergraduate / "I can accomplish any melody" - common app short answer [15]

I think this needs a lot of revision. Seems like some of sentences thrown together with little flow.

For example, I would have wrote the first paragraph like me.
When I listen to a sitarist play, I often find myself caught in an intense whirlpool of emotions - joy, anger, sadness, and even profound peace. This intrigued me. The (something, can't find the right word) coupled with my enthusiasm and determination eventually persuaded me to learn to play the sitar.

Also, I'm unsure if the prompt is asking about your entire eca experience. It seems to ask about one particular experience. Perhaps another EFer can assist me on this. However, revising your essay - I would make the following small grammar revisions

I'm caught in an intense whirlpool of emotions - j oy, anger, sadness and profound peace - when I listen to a sitar being played. Coupled with my enthusiasm and determination, I decided to learn to play sitar.

Being a novice sitarist, my fingers do not bear the same force or rapidity as that of a maestro's. However, I believe that mastering the simplest exercises along with strong basics, I can accomplish any melody. As I perfect a tune or synschronize my music to that of another satirist's , I would learn vital lessons in patience and teamwork as I perfect a tune or synchronize my music to that of another sitarist's. (Move to front) Also, I ceaselessly question my teacher with regarding the sitar itself (Delete) . Thus I'm slowly developing an appreciation for the instrument as well as for the music wrought on it.

Most importantly, I am uniting a passion with a medium through which I can uniquely express my motley of thoughts and sensations as I experience them.
Significa   
Dec 7, 2009
Undergraduate / Lafayette College describe a creative or academic interest... [4]

Hmm, I believe there is a lot of background information but not enough information actually describing your interest.
Also, you might want to move away from the negatives, some admissions officers may look of it as a sort of a rant. Writing more about the actual interest should move your point more away from the negative though.

Lastly - the entire prompt isn't here so I'm not sure, is it asking for you for your background information? The short prompt line seems like it wants to know how you engage in your interests rather than the history of the interest.
Significa   
Nov 1, 2009
Undergraduate / "The non-athletic guy" - Common App Personal Essay [2]

"A short, slim, and scrawny person" - A nonathletic person, am I right? I thought so too. That's why I never really engaged in any sports, at least until high school.

I attended high school that placed a big emphasis on sports and required all its students to take gym classes. When I first learned about this, I was shocked. How can they force someone as skinny as I am to take a gym class? I'm already beyond skinny and frankly, I would not enjoy embarrassing myself by playing basketball or football in gym. So, when my friend told me I could drop my gym class if I joined a school sport, I jumped on the opportunity. I figured the hallways would be filled with team recruitment ads, so I wandered my school's hallways looking for an easy team to join. The first ad I saw was about football. I chuckled and thought to myself "As if gym would not be embarrassing enough..." Then I saw a basketball ad, "Maybe if I could reach the nets." I wandered on. Eventually, one of them caught my eye - Fencing. It can't be that hard to poke someone with a sword.

So, I joined the fencing team at my school, expecting an easy way out of my gym class. I told my parents later that night, they were excited that I was being active in my school. It seemed like a win-win situation but I was deeply mistaken. I came to practice the next day all ready to jab some people. First thing on the coach's list was...running. I dreaded it but I ran anyway. Half-way to the end, my energy was completely consumed. My heart was beating heavily, my leg in throbbing pain, and the end was nowhere in sight. When I finished the strenuous run, we followed it up stairs and pushups. This went on for another hour or perhaps even longer. By the time I was finished with the calisthenics, I was sore and ready to leave. These workouts were done every day. Days I had spent having fun were becoming days of training: tiresome pushups and endless runs. My sleep hours were changed into homework hours and my grades dropped from A's to B's. By the end of my second week, I was exhausted. But I kept myself going. My teammates applauded my diligence but nonetheless, looked down upon my lack of endurance. I was sure I was going to quit by the third week but I kept myself going. But, instead, I decided to finish the rest of the season. When the playoffs were over, life became easy again. There was no more practice and I was able to concentrate on my school work. By the time the school year was over, my grades were back up and everything was back to normal.

I had not planned to return my junior year. I realized I had a tough schedule for school and had examinations to study for. But one day, a couple of my teammates asked me to rejoin and I could not bring myself to tell them no. So, back to practice it was. Luckily, I retained the strength I developed from the year before. The workouts were still demanding but they were a lot easier than last year. Frightening runs became calming jogs and painful pushups became simple stretches. They were ridiculously easy. Essentially, now that I had some endurance, I was able to communicate with my teammates and connect with them. They became my primary motivation to continue fencing. With my improved strength and morale support from my teammates, I eased through my junior year. But my lack of expertise in fencing inspired me to improve. So that summer, I went to fencing camp to improve my fencing and worked out every day to improve my endurance.

The workout served a good purpose because I vastly improved. The sloppy moves and slow attacks were gone. All that resided was a clear and concise attack and a fast but accurate parry. So my senior year, I earned myself a spot on varsity and second place in the PSAL fencing tournament. But there is still much to improve, I'm still practicing to this day. But as a senior, I try to help my teammates whenever I can, even if it means I have to make sacrifices. If there is one thing I learned through my struggles, it is that teammates can be powerful influence on someone. I remembered how much my teammates helped me to stay together my junior year, and I relayed that effort back to the starting freshmen.

Thinking back to my first year, I am not really sure why I did not quit. Although I got out of my gym class, my grades were dropping. Additionally, it was clear that fencing was overwhelming for me. Perhaps it was my refusal of failure, or my refusal to disappoint my parents. Whatever it was, I am glad I stayed. Through all these struggles, I have become stronger, more confident, and a powerful teammate.

If anyone could give me a quick review before tonight, it would be much appreciated! Thanks.
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