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Posts by caisson22
Joined: Nov 12, 2009
Last Post: Jan 14, 2010
Threads: 5
Posts: 16  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 21
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caisson22   
Jan 14, 2010
Undergraduate / Sugar We're Goin' Down (My love for film and video), to pursue a degree [3]

Prompt: Discuss your decision to pursue a degree in your chosen field
and how it was affected by a specific example of media or a particular use
of communications technology (e.g., a news story, web design, multimedia
presentation, film, TV show, video game, ad campaign, or public event). 300-500 words.


"Am I more than you bargained for yet?" was the first line that I heard. When I originally heard Fall Out Boy's hit song "Sugar We're Going Down" on the radio, I thought of it as a catchy little tune, never thinking it could be the inspiration of all my future dreams.

After the summer ended I once again entered school; and subsequently, I entered my first TV Production course. As I waltzed into the classroom I didn't know what to expect. But when I heard our class assignment slip through my teacher's lips within the first fifteen, I knew.

The task was to create a music video to the song of our choice. At first I didn't know what song to choose, there were so many that I liked I couldn't possibly pick any single one. But I remember lying in my bedroom; it was the night before we had to bring our song choices into class. I was flipping through my mp3 player, when all of a sudden the intro to my favorite song started playing. The drums came in followed by some sweet guitar riffs that matched the percussion perfectly. And as I lip synced the lyrics in tune with the song, I was replaying their music video in my head. I'd seen it a million times on MTV and even though I loved the song I just never got the concept behind it. I said to myself, "Even I could make a better video than this!" and that's when the most obvious idea smacked me in the face. Why don't I?

I came into class the next day with my answer already cued up for when the teacher would come to me, asking what song I chose. My idea for the video was already developed, like a story unfolding every time I heard the song. Four weeks, and one music video later, I saw my ideas come to fruition on camera. I was so proud of myself.

After that, I could never listen to a song again without thinking of a story line to go with it. I began making music videos in my spare time, which soon developed into short videos, and then finally ten-minute-long movies. If I had an idea that was particularly creative, I would save it for later until I could get it down on paper. My love for film and the expression of ideas through video has never waned and that's why I want to major in cinema. When I listened to "Sugar We're Going Down" that night, it was the song through which my first ideas came to life and without that inspiration I doubt I would have pursued video by my own volition. So now every time I hear the line "Am I more than you bargained for yet?" crooned through my headphones I think to myself yes. I had never imagined that a simple song would be my greatest inspiration.

Ok so my essay is 636 words, I need major editing and need to trim this amount pronto so please, any feedback is greatly appreciated!!
caisson22   
Jan 6, 2010
Undergraduate / "I can't dance." - BU 3 words that describe you - INTRO [11]

1st off I must say that... I'm black and I can't dance either!!! LOL So you're not alone :)

But second I don't think it's good to write an essay based on the stereotype of a race... if a white person wrote I can dance but I'm white and that's why I'm different I don't think it would go over to well.

But I Love LOve LOVE your first line: "I am different, bold, and creative. I take pride in the fact that I am different. I am bold in that distinction. That boldness breeds creativity."

A perfect intro!

But ummm not quite sure about the topic.
Good luck though!!! I applied there as well!
caisson22   
Jan 6, 2010
Undergraduate / The Pepperdine essay is a bit of a toughie! Did I answer the prompt well? [7]

I liked your essay as well but I agree with Princess, the prompt asked how pepperdine'sintegration of faith would would prepare you but instead you explain an instance in which you needed God's strength and how it has helped you through. Your a good writer but read the prompt again because the question is straight forward but your answer is irrelevant. Good luck though, I also applied here and I admit it was one of the hardest essay prompts I had!
caisson22   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / May 3rd, 1998 -- Pepperdine Essay [4]

Thanks a bunch for the comments!! Sorry I forgot that I decided to post this one instead of the boston one lol
caisson22   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Hey BEN what can I contribute to your community? (UPENN supp) [2]

Eliminate the last paragraph the one before it is a much better ending and leaves the essay on a good note with a compliment of how much you like UPENN. Also the last paragraph I feel is a bit unnecessary,But I do like the beginning of it so re write it maybe like this:

Above all else, I would like to fulfill the role of diplomat. I still remember the day when embarked upon my first UPenn tour. My friendly tour guide had a beaming smile while narrating his personal anecdotes about why he loved UPenn. By the time we made our way back to College Hall, I felt like I was with him during his experiences. He made me fall in love with UPenn. I painted images of my roommate pillow fights in Gregory House, my late night cram sessions at Van Pelt library, my Quaker football game experiences at Franklin field. I wish to join the Kite and Key Society because of their high school outreach programs, tutoring commitment, overnight hosting, community service actions, and tour guiding. As a high school senior and prospective Quaker, I am approaching university with an open-mind to capture new knowledge, and a readiness to use my personal tools of leadership and audacity to augment the community. Essentially, I hope to use my own story of enchantment as inspiration to represent the prowess and legacy of the Quaker to other hopefuls so they may fall in love with UPenn as I have.

Also take out the first two sentences of the second paragraph it can stand without those.

Well this was my take on your essay and I must say your writing is great I just thought a few things could be changed but they're just suggestions.

Also could you take a look at my Boston Uni. essay it needs lots of work and you're a good writer.

caisson22   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / May 3rd, 1998 -- Pepperdine Essay [4]

Pepperdine's scholarly community equips students with a liberal arts education anchored in Christian values. Our commitment to integrating faith and learning challenges our students to understand that the gift of knowledge ultimately calls for a life of service. With this commitment in mind, please respond:

Tell us how the integration of faith and learning can prepare you for a life of service, and discuss the impact service-learning can have on the renewing of your mind, spirit, and community.


"It was He who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up" (Eph. 4:11-12)

November 20th 1992, the day I was born, was the day I stepped hesitantly into a world of uncertainty. As a newborn child, I was confused and uncertain about where I was or what awaited me in the future. But being born was the first unconscious decision I made that said I was up to the challenge of living, ready to take anything that life threw at me.

May 3rd 1998, the day I was baptized, was the day I stepped, with certainty, into a pool of water that was meant to save me. I was told that salvation was on the other side and that the only promise I had to make was a life committed to servitude in the name of the lord. As I was slowly lowered into the water I realized why this process was often referred to as a rebirth. Like the day I first stepped into life, I was unsure of where I was headed but unlike birth I made the conscious decision to take on life's obligations, not only to my lord but to our society as well.

I have been raised from an early age in preparation for the days when the blessings bestowed upon me can be returned in a way that improves the world. I've also been taught that one of the greatest tools I can have on my quest is the power of knowledge, obtained through a solid education. Faith and devotion to the lord are something I will always have but without the knowledge of how to use it I will not be able to fulfill God's purpose for me. The two go hand in hand; I need faith God as he leads me down my path and trust in myself to try new things. More importantly though, I need to learn from every experience in order to really understand myself as well as accept my destiny.

I know that after I go to college and move forward in my career my goal is to return to my home town ready to make a definite change in the community I once grew up in. I hope to touch the lives of others in a way that leaves a positive impact on the world. Even if it's only in one corner of the world, I believe that the effort to do great things is always critical. I know that the integration of faith in my education will keep me going on the right track as well as lead me to my true calling.

I'm not gonna lie, I struggled with this prompt as well but I tried to answer the question to the best of my ability without sounding like I'm just stating facts but I need help and plenty of feedback!! It is ALWAYS appreciated!
caisson22   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / a liberal arts education anchored in Christian values - Pepperdine's common app [4]

You know, I find that alot of people struggle with this prompt. You didn't address how faith (the religious kind) impacts how you will serve the world and in turn the lord, in fact you are using a past event to answer a question about the future. Your answer doesn't fit the prompt at all, I'm sorry to say. You could write an essay and use this as a small anecdote but to base your essay on this is incorrect
caisson22   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Does this fit the prompt for Pepperdine??? [3]

No you have to talk about how getting your degree from a religious school will affect your life of service to the world and the lord. It says "intergration of faith" they're a catholic school I believe so that's what they're talking about
caisson22   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / SYRACUSE SUPPLEMENT: # 2 ( WORK EXPERIENCE) ANY INPUT? [3]

This extra paragraph is irrelevant and the instructions want you to talk about your work experience and what you gained from it, well after the first few sentences you started getting off topic about what the job means to you and how the skills can help you at Syracuse rather than just answering the question straight forward. But what you've got was good!
caisson22   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Doodling Over Calculus- Emerson Essay [3]

As you know, the academic programs at Emerson College are focused on communication and the arts. Please tell us what influenced you to select your first choice major and, if applicable, your second choice major. If you're undecided about your major, what attracted you to Emerson's programs? Please be brief (100-200 words).

As a child in elementary and middle school one of my biggest passions was Art. Drawing was second nature to me, coming almost as easily as breathing. I love the blending of colors, the abstract use of shapes, and the imagination behind all of the effort. My canvases ranged from walls and fabrics, to (more often than not) the corners of my school work. As I got older, the desire to create remained with me. I still hold a great appreciation for art, and doodling in the corners of my calculus homework has become a habit. That is why I want to major in Animation and Motion Media. What would be better than seeing the works I create on paper coming to life before my very eyes? I hope to turn my biggest passion into something I can do for the rest of my life and subsequently, take my work to a greater level.

Ok this is my first draft and it needs help!!! Any and all feedback will be greatly appreciated. Thanks!!
caisson22   
Dec 17, 2009
Undergraduate / I've got my game face on, and I'm ready for the pitch--Mt. Holyoke Essay [7]

Each person in the world holds the power to create and destroy in the palms of their hands, but with great power comes great responsibility.

If asked what the most significant thing about me was, you would be hard pressed to hear me say my hands. With fingernails to long, and nail polish that scratches but never fades, I wouldn't say they were the most attractive thing either. But what makes them so important is that sometimes the things I can't say are expressed through the things my hands create. When I'm feeling unhappy and my heart is wailing, these fingers pluck the strings of my guitar, blending the sounds into one soulful melody. When the thoughts I seek to release are too much for anyone to listen to, one hand clasps a pen while the other steadies the paper. My emotions pour out faster than my eyes can follow; only my hands are able to keep up. And every Sunday, when I go to my local recreation center to help out the kids in my neighborhood my hands seek out that of a child's instead of monetary compensation.

With these hands I have chosen to construct rather than destroy, and through every aspect of my life I embrace originality and ingenuity despite who it benefits. My aspirations for the future after attending college include returning to my home town with an open mind, ready to make a definite change in the community I once grew up in. Even if it's only in one corner of the world I believe that the effort to do or create great things is always critical.

With my eyes I have seen many things, but with my hands I hope to touch the lives of others in a way that leaves a positive impact on the world. What makes my hands so different from anyone else's in the world is not what they do, but who they belong to. I am not always certain of where I am headed but the one thing I am always certain of is who I am. And who I am is a woman ready to take on great responsibility because using only my hands and my heart I have harnessed the power to create.

Ok so I thought this was a little better but I don't know by how much. Like I stated before, feedback is always appreciated!!
caisson22   
Dec 13, 2009
Undergraduate / Acting and being onstage, Williams Prompt... any suggestions? [3]

When you walk on stage, however, those tiny little annoyances disappear and are immediately replaced with a feeling of unmatchable excitement.

the only things in the world are my fellow actors and I .

This time, instead of resisting their pull, I allow the butterflies them to float me away, not a care in the world. (You use the word butterfly alot, to much repetition will ruin the strength of the last sentence.)

That is why my favorite environment is looking atthe stage in an auditorium, because acting and being onstage makes me feel like I'm floating on the wings of a thousand butterflies. (Looking at a stage is an activity not an environment)

Hope this helped a little.
caisson22   
Dec 13, 2009
Undergraduate / I've got my game face on, and I'm ready for the pitch--Mt. Holyoke Essay [7]

SHORT ANSWER (in addition to the Common Application short answer)

Please respond to the following question in one or two paragraphs:
How are your hands different from anyone else's in the world?


They say eyes are windows to the soul, and a smile is beauty unmatched but it's the hands that tell my story. Nothing I have ever seen can measure up to the things, lives, and hearts that I have or plan to touch. My hands have grasped those of a child looking for help, and held those of a women way beyond my years, for support. My palms have skimmed over pages of a thousand words, leaving a trail only for my eyes to follow. These fingers have been used to pluck the strings of my passion, listening to a melody of my own creation. These hands have planted trees and cleaned up trash, but what they have not done is asked for compensation. These fingers have a grip, strong like my resolve to help others, and their tips are frequently used. Like my mind, they are always at work.

Each person in the world holds the power to create and destroy in the palm of their hands, and with great power comes great responsibility. That is why these hands have chosen to make a change in the world, using my heart as their only tool. It was once said by Maya Angelou "You shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back." Well I've got my game face on, and I'm ready for the pitch. These hands are different from anyone else's because they are attached to a person ready to leave a positive impact on the world, and she goes by the name: ------ ------.

This is just the rough draft and I need major help on this essay!! Like I know what I want to say but alot of this might not make sense so let me know what I should cut out or change! Any help would be greatly appreciated!!!
caisson22   
Nov 13, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1 - "Only Child" [4]

OH my gosh, this is totally irrelevant but my birthday is also November 20th! Happy early birthday! =]

Ok about the essay though my biggest issue would be that it sounds very impersonal. The first paragraph sounds like you're complaining but the purpose of the essay is to show how you made the experience into a positive. Also I suggest you incorporate an anecdote of some sort that would make the story feel more like your own.

The best part of the essay I think was when you actually talked about yourself saying "Though both my parents have studied finance, numbers are too dry for my taste. I require more flavor. I have always been an emotional person and want my career to reflect my personality. I want to touch and feel life."

Your essay feels mostly like a resume of your life and not enough about your experiences, this topic has so much potential but you have to exploit it. And like the person above me said, less about what actually happened more about your feelings unless using an anecdote. Your thoughts seem jumbled and the organization doesn't flow. Also this essay is generic put more of yourself into it. Describe your feelings, your thoughts and dreams, that's what they wanna hear. What's the world YOU live in? Be sincere and good luck on your application.
caisson22   
Nov 13, 2009
Student Talk / Common app - I only 150 words, but a minimum was 250. [16]

It's ok I sent the wrong version of my essay off to a few schools,and I just contacted the admissions for each place (through email) to see if they would let me send the revised version. They were suprisingly nice about it and just told me to send the revised version to them so they could attach it to my application. You should do the same, and like someone else said before me, create an alternate version of the application and send that to the rest of your colleges. Oh and here's instructions on how to make an alternate version:

Step1: You must submit the Common Application to at least one institution. When this is complete, you must log out of your account.

Step 2: Copy and paste the following link into your browser window

commonapp.org/CommonApp/Default.aspx?allowcopy=true

You will be presented with a login screen to the Common Application. You must then enter your existing Username and Password and click Login.

Step 3: You will be presented with a screen titled 'Application Versions,' where you will see information about the application that you've already submitted. You may then click on the 'Replicate' link to create an alternate version of your submitted application. When this is complete, a second version will be visible on this screen. A special drop down will appear in the upper right corner of the application to allow quick access to all your applications.

Step 4: You may edit the alternate version to allow for college-specific information. You also should move any schools needed to the new version.
caisson22   
Nov 13, 2009
Undergraduate / An artist's hands - UC Essay [17]

I'm no masochist, but I am proud of my misshapen pinky and cuts that mark who I am - a Color Guard member.

Each week, I and would hear a colorful range of insults from the passing cars that throw Slurpees and coke bottles at my team.

A few minor edits but it's an absolutely amazing essay, it's personal, creative, and well written. Your thoughts are well organized and I enjoyed reading this! Good luck on the application!
caisson22   
Nov 13, 2009
Undergraduate / A Person With Significant Influence on You--Common App Personal Statement [4]

Topic:

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.


Ok so this is my personal statement so far and I just threw everything I felt into it so I'm not sure if it's even any good. Sorry this seems like an insignificant thing to talk about but please bare with me. FEEDBACK WOULDBE GREAT because I feel like my thoughts got a little jumbled here.

Lying awake in bed, my feet kicked from under the covers, and my body curled up onto one side of the mattress I seem to feel most at peace. When nothing but silence and the light movement of cat paws greet my ears I tend to grab on tight to my teddy bear. I know by now it seems silly, being almost seventeen and still going to bed with stuffed animals, but it's actually quite the opposite. My teddy bear makes me feel safe and reminds me of someone I deeply care for; I've had that old thing for so many years now, it's become my most prized possession. My mother bought it for me when I was five years old. I'd first seen it in a thrift store on sale for three dollars and was immediately attached. It had clean white fur, and big brown eyes that showed me my reflection, I just knew I had to have it. So can you imagine how disappointed I was to walk out of the store empty handed? My mother told me that we couldn't afford it and that she hated to see me sad but there was nothing that could be done.

I cried all the way home in the backseat of my mom's beat up Cadillac but there was no way she was turning around. Looking back on it now I realize how much of a struggle it must have been her to do that. How do you explain bills and money to a child? How do you explain the prospect of unemployment when all they see are the things they want? But she was being strong for the both of us. Back then we grew up on very little money, in a house where it was sometimes hard making ends meet, but it never seemed like a hardship to me. My mother always made sure there was food on the table. Made sure she kissed each of my cheeks when I snuggled up for bed, and when she was leaving for work. She made sure I was wrapped up in the winter when I would catch a cold, and never failed to make my favorite chicken noodle soup. She did her best to shield me from the negativity of life, putting her own aspirations on the backburner so that I could continue down my path of success unscathed. Her love is what inspired me to become the kind and compassionate person I saw in her and her positivity and strength has become my lighthouse in hard times.

I remember a couple of weeks after that incident in the store coming home from school, trying to figure out some simple addition when my mom rushed through my bedroom doorway. She told me she had a surprise for me, and as expected from any child my age I jumped up and down squealing with delight. What had I done to deserve something? I quickly followed her down the hall into her bedroom and there, perched on her pillows looking so brand new was that white teddy bear from the store. The fur was just as clean as I remembered it and in its eyes I saw the reflection of my smile. It was so wide my cheeks began to ache. I quickly snatched up the bear not worrying over the why's and the how's, only knowing that mom had done it again. She'd somehow made magic happen and now at the age of seventeen it seems like she's been doing that my whole life.

Growing up my mother was always the foundation I had to stand upon and on that foundation I have made my way. For every time I have told myself "I couldn't" she was right there to tell me "I can". She has strengthened me, encouraged me, inspired me, and taught me how to be a better person and how to live my life full of happiness. As a child I was always the one, too afraid to raise my voice because I was terrified of what others would think of me. But as I got older she helped peel away the layers of my shell until I was all that was left. I've finally told myself that I'm not going to let my ideas and all this creativity I possess go to waste. I'm going to venture into this new life of college ready to embrace the world as much as I possibly can. But I won't forget the life I'll be leaving behind. Especially when I lie awake in my college dorm room with the same white teddy bear tucked between me and my pillow.

My mother has touched my heart in a way no one else in this world has ever been able to, and she's left her fingerprint on my life. Growing up she showed me a world full of possibilities and raised me in a household full of love. That was the one thing we always had plenty of.

Here's a rewritten version of my earlier post but now I need feedback and corrections for this. All help would be greatly appreciated! You can be harsh, I need all the criticism I can get.
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