Undergraduate / "Albert Einstein got it wrong countless times", George Washington Univ Essay [15]


what are you talking about? i simply read the misterjo comment and wanted to check.

Undergraduate / Common App Short Essay: A counselor's experience [20]


the admin won't know this though, so perhaps add one sentence?


take that prep phrase out, you already mentioned their handicap, no need to reemphasize. plus, it's not because of his disease that he's unique


see how these 3 sentences don't have anything to do with the lesson? you already said that you were going to take care of him, which naturally implied dependence and time.

Undergraduate / "I can accomplish any melody" - common app short answer [15]


yes, but your intro doesn't echo with your conclusion, unless you mention the difficulties in the intro.

Undergraduate / Racism, UT essay B - issue of importance [5]


avoid using 'you's


handful


example?


i realized


, which gradually annoyed them.


five

so, your whole point of the story was to say this:


while it might be true and impacted you a lot, by setting this as your central point makes you sound very trite.

it's kinda like writing an essay about how i immigrated from china, then add that if i haven't, i might've been killed by the earthquake or something

the prompt asks for an issue of importance and its impact on you. but it doesn't mean that you're done after describing the issue and talk about how you were bullied. what is the moral? all you've said is that you escaped. is that what you want the admin to know about you? seeing an issue then deciding that escape is the only way?

this essay is half complete. it tells the concern well (although a bit too extensively. try to focus on 1 or 2 aspects, not drugs and bully and standing up and beating down...it's all over the place) you only need 1-2 paragraphs to get the point across. indeed, gang problems are everywhere, especially state colleges, so the admin knows what's happening.

then focus on your personal thoughts on it. you did talk about how this impacted you, but how do you view it? see how your thoughts were passive, since you've been submitted to all this? well, you have to become active and actually voice your opinion. how is gang bad? how can this cause a problem in a bigger-than-local sense? is this solvable? have you tried to solve it? or at least thought about solving it? what have you done to avoid getting intimidated?

again, colleges want to see strong men and women, not a coward who flees a problem, even if you can't do anything about it. if this is really the case, don't write about it.

provide a solution. you don't wanna end your essay on a hopeless tone.

Undergraduate / "My Life as a Midwestern Belle" - Emerson College Supplement [6]

yea, that would be something amazing...but still not story telling, unless the song's a story.

it's good to be creative, but the boundaries of the prompt still exist.

Undergraduate / "My Life as a Midwestern Belle" - Emerson College Supplement [6]


haha, love it

Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]


or you might be living a dream and "think" that everyone else actually exist, when it is simply your dream, in that case, it doesn't matter anymore how many lives you're living right? haha, we're learning existentialism, and i couldn't hold back.

Undergraduate / "I can accomplish any melody" - common app short answer [15]

it's simple, but simple doesn't mean bad. you don't need to put deep philosophy in everything you write, especially when it's the CA short answer.

the point of the short answer is to discover more about you, your passion, what you have done, and such. It has to be personal, but not necessarily showing your entire personality. It's too short for that, plus that's what the long essay is for.

I like your story and how you tie this to your character, but i don't think that your point is to simply say that you're a person who doesn't give up.


this is your central thesis, yet it doesn't echo with your intro.

Instead, you should freely write about this passion of yours, and keep talking about how you love it and your feelings toward it. I mean, that's what your intro conveys, a passion for sitar instigated by your emotions.

btw, why do you need to give it a title?

Undergraduate / Common App Short Essay: A counselor's experience [20]


For two weeks, I took care of Joey, a camper (or worked one on one with Joey, but a bit awkward), who has been going to PYC for 10 years, and is now 24 years old. He has been diagnosed with...

I wouldn't call it a "disadvantage" simply because it doesn't convey enough the harshness of his life. I understand that you don't wanna call it a handicap, difficulties perhaps?

and what if you talked in your intro about what kind of camp it is. the fact that he's handicapped shocks the reader since you never prepared the audience for such a turn out. I thought that you were talking about a kid summer camp


you sound sarcastic here. Obviously, no one is perfect, so the fact that you call his diseases imperfections pretty much put him on the same background and hardships as everybody else, which is demeaning to Joey's plight

you're going from a different perspective, which btw great. However, I do like to point out that you're still not personal enough. You spend too much time discussing Joey and not you.

I'd suggest you taking out the "The job was at times stressful and the pay minimal, but at the same time very rewarding. Being a counselor was enjoyable and I made a lot of great friends on staff." because it's not really your goal here in the story

instead, explain a bit what the camp does, and what you do: so combine your Joey sentence with the intro

then second paragraph, explain some of the activities you did with him, or how exactly did he impact you.

If you really wanna focus on what you learned, then end the paragraph with what exactly you learned or how you are changed.

try to avoid sentences like


and instead actually say WHAT lessons.

hope that helps, i definitely like where you're going with this, but making it more personal will empower your short answer

Undergraduate / "Albert Einstein got it wrong countless times", George Washington Univ Essay [15]

yea, but why fuss over it? he'll probably never read these comments anyway. If you want, call for a moderator to delete the thread...but I see it as an example for future cheaters haha

Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]


yes, definitely agreed. i'll think and talk about it to my college adviser


yup, i guess that's why colleges CONSTANTLY ask the diversity questions and such. I did write an essay on this alone, so hope that will help me positively.

But just out of curiosity, doesn't this get old? I mean, one of the 'moderately dangerous' topics is immigration since it's become such a prevalent theme and all immigrants write about it. but then, it really depends on how one conveys the ideas and not simply stating facts or emotions.

Thanks a lot Kevin (this sounds a bit informal when addressing a teacher, is there a more respectable way to call you?), your comments definitely provide me with a better understanding of my essay. Although I get your idea on the intro thesis, I still have to think about how this plays out in the flow of the entire essay.

Undergraduate / Claremont Mckenna-What influenced you the most in your decision to apply to CMC? [5]


that would suck, but it makes sense

if you were to cut, focus on WHAT's the influence. state word for word why you want to go there, and try integrating your past experiences in your response. O, and definitely avoid generic statements like the school has great academics, but rather talk about WHAT's so great about it. be SPECIFIC.

good luck indeed.

Book Reports / Hamlet having a problem with himself and three words that describe him - start? [5]

do you have any ideas?

1 word: doubtful/wavering --> to be or not to be

Undergraduate / "My Life as a Midwestern Belle" - Emerson College Supplement [6]

it's a good essay, but not a great story.
this provides a very generic situation of your life, but


the prompt especially ask you to tell the story of your life, which you cover, but not in the right form.

I'd suggest you going about 1 story that had a special effect on you, and move on to talk about its impact and how that made you realize who you are. this way, you actually show the school that you can tell a story.

but it might just be me... your essay in itself is well written and has a lot of personal info, but the structure might not be what the school's looking for.

Undergraduate / 'Key Club and the National Honors Society' - NEOUCOM what will i contribute? [3]


maybe say: my language skills will help me communicate with my patients in my future career as a doctor; I could even travel to Asian countries (which ones?) to cure (better than care) for ppl there


put this after working alongside... and take out "and everything in between"


towards the end of the prog i was awarded..., an honor that


? so you were in middle school when you did the volunteer? if not, say in my current high school


through the

at the end, you begin to lose focus and


very repetitive and generic.
instead, talk about SPECIFIC things you can contribute and SPECIFIC programs you want to go to. so basically: how exactly you contribute to the school and (what do you expect in return) you don't have to say this part, but makes your essay sound more realistic

overall, good essay. good personal detail, just do a bit more research on the school and talk about its unique programs at the end.

Undergraduate / "Albert Einstein got it wrong countless times", George Washington Univ Essay [15]

yea, but it's really just Suraj's business...he prob submitted it already anyways.

Undergraduate / "Albert Einstein got it wrong countless times", George Washington Univ Essay [15]

well, the first couple sentences are from internet word for word, from a pretty reliable source, newspaper i think, so...it's prob true.

yea, from
discovermagazine.com/2004/sep/the-masters-mistakes

Essays / comparison/contrast essay: Two cities [9]

yea, somebody's bound to read it :D

it might be interesting, who knows?

Undergraduate / "Albert Einstein got it wrong countless times", George Washington Univ Essay [15]

mm... true.

you prob should never incorporate things you can find on internet simply cuz it's not personal

Writing Feedback / Dead Poets Society movie vs. my classroom [4]

yea, but that's just an essay for school, plus she's already "in college" lol :D i think it's pretty good for an english lit class. an 8-9

Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]


i'm really curious, what is your first choice?


which ways? if you feel that you don't have space to put the different ways, then take out this sentence and add another more personal one


realize, questions don't explain themselves. i get that you're using these rhetorical questions to jump to a conclusion, but there's better way of doing so. try avoid rhetorical questions when you ca.

I used to wonder my purpose on this earth... something like that would save words and sound less theory-like


how did you get this knowledge?


this paragraph doesn't have to do with the related part. I suggest that you take the idea that you want to help others in the conclusion out and put it here, and focus your conclusion on reflecting back to your intro. maybe you could talk about your plans for the future in the conclusion, which makes more sense since you would end with how your initial understanding of everyone relating to each other played in your choice of major.

much much better. you sound very personal this time and they get your thinking, which is essential to this prompt. just avoid going off topic. you have the idea of all is one and one is all going on, keep the momentum and focus on this.

btw, my diversity essay pretty much went thru the same change, and i emerged with an essay not too far in style from your :D that just confirmed my theory haha

Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]


it is indeed a good point, but i feel that my partition here is different. you are right in that i opted for a narrative way, but my conclusion isn't exactly the final paragraph. it's more that i answered the question in 3 parts, and the last paragraph was specifically targeting the why cornell?

my points for each paragraph:
intro: captivate, tell my initial repugnance toward econ
second: evolution, understand econ
third: my interests and the role econ plays in them
fourth: why cornell?

therefore, i don't see an overarching theme in my essay. it's more like a story than an analysis of my interest and such.

i do see your point on the takeaway idea, but it seems to me that if i state my point right away, then there would be no element of surprise nor power in the evolution of my interest.

what do you think i should do? keep it as a narrative, or change it in a thesis with support? i felt that the narrative is special and different than the standard way of going about the topic, but if the effect's missing, i'll be more than willing to change it.

Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]


haha i'm completely the opposite. i kinda parasite essays...


o, good point... i felt that people might misunderstand Mr. Smith's speech AS the actual reason why i'm into econ, which isn't true. his explanation helped me to see what econ really was, and i like econ cuz of my past. am i just over thinking?


i get what you mean, but i think that it's ok to start with not only. E.g, not only is this person smart, he also is blabla means the same as this person is not only smart, but also...

the difference is that in the first one, you don't have to use "is" for the second sentence. you could say not only is this person smart, he also got the award for blabla

i hope that i'm right... i'll check with eng teacher tho


yup, my mistake


supposed to be the cornell econ society, i'm changing the sentence to:

Also, through the Cornell Economics Society, I will be able to interact with other passionate students and read its publication of "The Visible Hand" journal which blabla


help me out here? I really can't think a way of ending it while keeping the same pace as the rest of the paragraph. I actually devoted this paragraph to the why cornell portion, so how can I tie it back to the beginning? my goal for the last sentence is to show the admin that i know exactly i'm going to do, which balances the research fluff, but if there's something stronger that actually catches attention, then i'll definitely go for it.


mm... what about this:

I was amazed by the way this intricate course merges my seemingly conflicting likings and takes full advantage of my understanding of different languages and cultures since macroeconomics deals with foreign affairs.

i had to keep since with the sentence to explain the second portion of it... at least i think i have to

but yea, logical fella, i owe you a big thank you! and ms robot, thanks a lot 2:D

Undergraduate / From Turkey, complex life - Stanford-short essay [9]


well, you really don't wanna get in too much technical detail. this is still an admission essay, not rooming questions. you'll get to those AFTER you get accepted.

I think the school wants to see how you can contribute to the overall class THROUGH the mention of your roommate. Thus, you can't simply narrow your essay on your future relationship with your roommate, but also hint at your abilities/qualities on a larger scale

e.g. how has your background allow you to become a very open and tolerant person who will definitely have a great relationship with roommates? this not only shows that you will do great with your roommate, but also that you are a multi-cultural person and will be a great addition to the whole school. again you are not convincing the housing department, but an admin officer.

Undergraduate / "She was a 7lb 11oz bundle of joy" - UT admission essay number 1 [25]

yea, remember that every sentence matter and that you are NOT losing the momentum or focus at ANY point. Don't put generic statements that everyone else can. Every sentence has to apply to you only.

Undergraduate / BU essay - Artistic, receptive, and inspired [5]


see how much your inspiration sound like openness and receptivity?

perhaps define what inspiration is for you? not simply the fact that you are inspired by all these things, but actually STATING what is inspiration. Often, inspiration comes from mundane things, like waking up, I heard birds. This seems trivial, but authors DO actually get inspired by those things. It's like seeing something, and suddenly BANG! new idea. It's a spontaneous process rather than seeing many things and deriving them for your own benefit (that would be more down the receptive line)

also, the last paragraph is still not definitive enough. you really don't need to restate your previous points. In a college essay you won't have enough words. You need to jump to the prompt: HOW WILL YOU USE THESE TO CONTRIBUTE?

so start with: my blabla will allow me to do thisthis to the BU, and my blabla will let me participate to thisthis program (be SPECIFIC)

again, you need to be more specific and avoid sentences like


the admin knows you can, but is asking you to prove it.

Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]


yea, who would be such a lowlife as to waste time to destroy other people's essays for the sake of personal pleasure?

Undergraduate / "She was a 7lb 11oz bundle of joy" - UT admission essay number 1 [25]


haha, i'm not simply praising you for the sake of it. i just really enjoy your very special way of talking about a very common topic (family member essays are very hard to write, since so many do their essays on that), but you pulled off the start really well.

Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]


haha it's not about being good, it's about being willing lol, it's really a great way to improve your own writing


i meant it as an adjective, still confusing?


I kinda meant it as though I didn't have much expectations, i can't really say that i didn't have interest since i don't even know the class. does that make sense?


yea, that's what i decided to do, just haven't the chance to repost yet.


but i did "see" the teacher writing on the board


mmm... not sure about this. my counselor told me that only specific courses need capital letters, but thx for pointing this out, i'll get it checked.


well i kinda need my third paragraph to cover the interest part of the prompt...and to explain why i had this epiphany about econ.


wait, so the social studies and history and us gov still trouble you?


sorry, not sure to understand what you mean


well, it was more like a discovery of economics. his statement clarified the misconception that i had about economics. wasn't in itself a revelation, but through the statement, I realized what economics actually was (not like all the other social studies class) and that it incorporates many elements i discussed in paragraph 3. does this still bother you?


yes, but i did mention how i disliked the classes, but not the subjects themselves, and i want to fully show it here cuz it's unrealistic that i'd like economics if i really hate history itself.

thanks guys! moonshadow, i definitely eagerly await your further comments, and logical fella, thx for your perspective! and btw, you definitely are qualified.

Undergraduate / From Turkey, complex life - Stanford-short essay [9]

o shi 1100 words!!! how do you people write like that? i can't even write a 2000 words research paper!!!

Undergraduate / "She was a 7lb 11oz bundle of joy" - UT admission essay number 1 [25]


nono, that's not what i meant. with my poor knowledge of literature, i can honestly NOT tell your character from your essay, so i definitely can't make some arrogant claim on what to do with your future.

what i meant is whether UT is your top choice. from your style, i can tell that you are not a common applicant. it's not just the writing, but also the way you capture the reader, which is definitely a lost art. so i kinda assumed that you are aiming for a higher college, not major or anything.

ps, i kinda wanted to do psychology so that i can read minds (yea, it was a couple of years ago...) but then dad told me that it's hard to get a job and most likely low-paid, so i chose something opposite: CEO hahaha

Undergraduate / Cornell application essay for Arts and Sciences - interest writing [9]


mmm. true, the essay sounds more like excitement about literature in general, and not specifically writing. good point.

Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]


sry, i meant flipping the order of the question: starting with the evolution, then answer the interests part.


thanks, you way overstate my essay...but i appreciate that :D


yea, my common app essay was the diversity essay, in which i talked about my immigrations


haha, definitely not. You helped TREMENDOUSLY. thanks a lot. (btw if you have time, you should definitely become a contributor. We think much alike, and i'm sure that you will be a great help to others)


haha, i know, how immature, i was really excited tho, to see how many people would try killing my essays after i critiqued harshly theirs...but now i FINALLY understood why there are so many colorful titles if you don't have to have any when you actually apply...a bit too late haha

Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]

wow, i posted a *** title for this essay...no wonder not many are reading it...

Undergraduate / Why UChicago (diabetes changed my life and goals)? [7]


or, since uchicago is a HARDCORE creative (at least they're trying to promote themselves that way) school, you could talk about how you are the disease and you caught "yourself" but "you" overcame you... imagine the rest!

so what major? I applied early action economics, nervous of getting back the results in a week.

Undergraduate / "She was a 7lb 11oz bundle of joy" - UT admission essay number 1 [25]

is that your top choice? cuz purely from your writing style, i think you can aim for higher.

Undergraduate / "She was a 7lb 11oz bundle of joy" - UT admission essay number 1 [25]

yea, last friday.

but my scores kinda helped. ut was my backup (it's not showing off, just giving you a realistic portrait) - i kinda blew off that particular essay. my other ones were a lot better

compared to mine, yours is definitely a lot more defining and strong

so what major are you applying to? i did mccombs and plan II

Undergraduate / "an entirely different world" - Lafayette College supplement question [4]

an entirely different world than PGC MD, Lafayette U offers a diverse campus that allow me to...

I know I won't be the only stranger maybe? one's too broad


what program?


nice word!


say what they are.
what outreach service
low s-f ratio of ? grant me easy access to help...

just get in more detail about the specific programs, and combine some sentences. the ideas are good, but you need to get this edited by an english teacher.

Essays / comparison/contrast essay: Two cities [9]

yea... if you actually post the essay?

Undergraduate / "She was a 7lb 11oz bundle of joy" - UT admission essay number 1 [25]


so pretty much a bit less than...1500 words. don't worry, you'll have enough words, my essay was around 600 words and wayyyyy below the limit.