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Posts by jyu104
Joined: Dec 28, 2009
Last Post: Jan 11, 2011
Threads: 14
Posts: 44  
From: United States

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jyu104   
Jan 11, 2011
Undergraduate / Inspiration and influence passes on -- COMMONAPP ESSAY [NEW]

My sister's CommonApp Essay. Please make comments on how to improve it and make it more about her and make her a strong candidate.

The summer of my sophomore year I was given a window to the medical world. For eight weeks that summer, I got the opportunity to shadow some of the best doctors and nurses in the field of medicine at Brigham and Women's Hospital. As I listened to the muzak in the elevator that first day on the job, I did not know what to expect of this internship. I had had jobs at ice cream stores and libraries prior to this, but nothing quite like that of a hospital, where things were fast-paced, and serious decisions and actions were being made. I was placed in the nursing department of the hospital, specifically in the Medical Intensive Care Unit or MICU. Within a few hours on the job, a patient in the wing had gone into cardiac arrest. As the medical machines galvanized, I saw doctors and nurses dart to the patient. Ready with their crash cart, they knew exactly what they were doing without thinking twice. I was drawn to these confident men and women who were poised and ready. Working in the MICU, you need to be able to think and act quickly and confidently because anything can happen at any moment, and they knew exactly what to do. Although these doctors and nurses had such a big job on their hands taking care of very sick patients, they were vibrant and jovial people. They came into work every day with bright smiles on their faces, and looked forward to their job. Watching these doctors and nurses work gave me inspiration and the confidence that I could be just like them.

I reminded them of themselves when they were younger, people who were engaged and ready to learn and act. They called me "the baby," and told me that I had a lot to learn but that they saw themselves in me, and believed that I could be just like them one day. I began to see their strengths in me, and I wanted those strengths and talents to grow. Getting the chance to know them, to know that I shared qualities with them, allowed me to believe that I could perform great feats like them someday as well. I began to invest more of myself to perform extracurricularly and academically, and help others as well. Whether or not I may or may not want to be a doctor someday in the future, I know I want to be one of those confident people who know how to do their jobs and inspire others. I want a career that I love, a career that I know I'm confident in just like those doctors and nurses.

I am a person who is opinionated, who wants to be involved in the real world and make change. I hope to be like those people one day, knowing that I can do my job the best I can without hesitation. They are people who inspire me; they make me excited for my future and how I can make a difference. They are outgoing, talkative, funny, strong and confident men and women. It is the path I wish to take and it is the life I want.
jyu104   
Jan 11, 2011
Undergraduate / "I have an addiction to Dunkin Donuts Coffee" - Undergrad [5]

Maybe you can compare the coffee to you and how you are similar. Or talk about the culture of coffee and it's impact on you. Or perhaps how it allows you to be who you are.

Good luck :).
jyu104   
Dec 7, 2010
Writing Feedback / India's Possible Rise in the 21st Century above the West - Globalization Paper [2]

This essay is for my freshman year seminar regarding the globalization of India. It should discuss how globalization has changed during colonialism to recently. It should discuss how globalization now affects the Indian people and how they will adopt and adapt globalization.

Title: India's Possible Rise in the 21st Century above the West and the Problems it Must Triumph

The globalization of India from the 1800s to the early 1900s is characterized by strong British involvement, through British control of Indian resources, and British influence on Indian culture. The colonizing of India was a way for Britain to take advantage of what was offered in the "uncivilized" world and a way to expand its dominance physically and culturally. As a result of this intrusion, Indians faced over a century of turmoil at home, as well as abroad. This foreign presence forced change upon India in the form of globalization. Indenturing and enslaving Indian people moved Indians across oceans, which resulted in the integration of Indian people into the global network. British influence led to the influence of western education on the education system in India, and ideas about democracy, and technology shifting east. Since the 1980s, a new form of globalization has taken place in India, which depends on the concept of capitalism. Like the former globalization, it also depends on the cheap labor of Indians, and like it, there is still a strong western influence and hold on India. But what differs between the previous globalization and the present is that the present form displays potential and opportunity for Indians to gain mobility as a whole, and rise above the west's hold. This is due to the nature of the work produced, the technologies present, the new structures present in the world, and the advantages India holds as a country. Although India has this opportunity to rise to the top, it faces internal problems that may hold it down, and prevent the advantages this new form of globalization can offer it.

Globalization in India since the 1980s has depended on a capitalist approach. Capitalist globalization depends on the flow of capital and jobs from wealthier nations into developing nations. Jobs that have been traditionally in the United States, such as telemarketing, are being moved over to India due to the lower costs in India. Along with this, information technology work is also being outsourced. The reason why this work is being outsourced to India is because in India the wages and rents are less than one-fifth of what they are in Western capitals. (Flat 18). Although the jobs are not wanted in America because they are, "low wage, low-prestige jobs in America, [...] when shifted to India they become high-wage, high-prestige jobs." (Flat 24). A discussion with Thomas Friedman, the author of The World is Flat, revealed: "Most of the young people [...] give all or part of their salary to their parents. In fact, many of them have starting salaries that are higher than their parents' retiring salaries. For entry-level jobs into the global economy, these are about as good as it gets." (Flat 22). These new opportunities through outsourcing are giving Indians resources which grant them greater mobility in society. Rather than do as their parents had, or worse, they have the opportunity to change the cycle and rise up in society. "On the surface, there is something unappealing about the idea of inducing other people to flatten their accents in order to compete in a flatte world. But before you disparage it, you have to taste just how hungry these kids are to escape the lower end of the middle class and move up." (Flat 27). Capitalist globalization is in a way making the world flatter by providing more opportunities for people around the world to rise up in society and be empowered, people are rising out of poverty much faster than ever before.

Besides telemarketing, other jobs are available in CAT scan reading, long-distance secretary work, and software writing. India has developed a strong informational technology industry, with workers writing software programs for American, European and multinational companies. The development of computers and the internet, where "global fiber-optic network [...] has made us all next-door neighbors" has given globalizing countries like India a new well to tap. This technology is leveling the playing field and allowing all to be equal players on the world platform. Previous globalization expanded horizons for Indian minutely, and in a way suppressed them due to British hold and controls. This new form of globalization presents much more opportunity. Indians are writing a great deal of software, and not just the dirty work for Americans themselves but for themselves. "These countries are steadily developing their research and development [...] that continues we really will see the beginning of what Satyam Cherukuri, of Sarnoff [...] called "the globalization of innovation" and end of a single American or European multinational handling all the development product cycle from its resources." (Flat 30). Because this globalization has room for innovation, and the fact that software is highly demanded, Indians have greater mobility. Besides performing work for Americans, they can develop their own innovations. "Indian units of Cisco Systems, Intel, IBM, Texas Instruments, and GE have already filed 1,000 patent applications with the U.S. Patent Office [...] engineers are developing new ideas for aircraft engines, transport systems and plastics." (Flat 30). As Indians transcend "subservient" work, by gaining more wealth and developing innovation, they will have a stronger hold of their economy and country rather than depending on the lead of another country. In a conversation between Thomas Friedman and Jaithirth Rao, who runs a team that does the work of outsourced accounting, Rao says, "In ten years we are going to be doing a lot of the stuff that is being done in America today. We can predict our future. But we are behind you. You are defining the future. America is always on the edge of the next creative wave." (Flat 15). If India is to rise above the current work it is being given by other countries, by becoming wealthier and slowly decreasing demand for those jobs, and by developing technology and work with information it learns from sources abroad, it has the potential to not be the dependent but the independent. Technology has given it the resources to do so, as it has began to level the playing field.

Although capitalist globalization is pulling many people out of poverty very quickly, many people are being left behind. Although the information technology sector of India is on the rise and there is telemarketing, those jobs do not constitute a large part of the population. According to Friedman, "As exciting and as visible as the flat Indian high sector is, have no illusions: It accounts for 0.2 percent of employment in India. Add those Indians involved in manufacturing for export, and you get a total of 2 percent of employment in India." (Flat 383) There is a significant divide in the income gap which can be seen comparing the flat and unflat world. There is also widespread illness in globalizing countries like India, which leaves many behind due to poor health facilities and aid. In one example, a principal of a school of which a significant amount of students are untouchables and live in filth, without clothing or clean water is irritated because an hour away is modern Bangalore with its fancy skyscrapers. This principal, Lalita Law says, "You have to come to the rural villages and see whether India is shining, and you look into a child's face and see whether India is shining. India is shining okay for the glossy magazines, but if you just go outside Bangalore [...] alcoholism is rife and female infanticide and crime are rising. You have to bribe to get electricity." (Flat 377). Many people in rural India do not experience the flatness that those in the cities experience. Due to local corruption, the governments "cannot deliver to the poor the schools an infrastructure they need to get a fair share of the pie." (283). Those in rural areas want to be part of flat India, which they see on televisions through the advertisement of commodities. They say, "Stop the globalization train, we want to get off. [...] Stop the globalization train, we want to get on, but someone needs to help us by building a better stepstool." (Flat 383). They are too disempowered and need government and outside assistance to get a better stepstool so they can participate in this flattening world. Without help they will impede with globalization such as in the overthrowing of the BJP because of discontent rural voters. (383).

The flattening of the world also resulted in the desire of India to modernize its infrastructure and bring it to the level of that found in the first world. To do so it displaced around 500,000 people per year (62) to build dams and buildings like that of the west. A desire to accelerate development of infrastructure it is willing to displace people with poor or little compensation. "Today private corporations benefit from the government support of various kinds with the government acquiring lands from peasants and tribals and making them available to these companies at hugely subsidized rates." (Menon 64?). Those who rebel may be killed and those who impede with economic growth and development such as those who protested low wages from the carmarker Toyota were impeded by the government. (Menon 67). The poor are dislocated in an effort to "beautify" the country of which their shanties interfere with. Their displocation has even been reasoned that by "transplanting them overnight into an alien setting [...] is understood as rehabilitation and liberation from their backward ways of life." (Menon 73). When President Bill Clinton of the United States came to visit Bangalore, many shanties and buildings were torn down and replaced to present a superficial view of Bangalore as "modern" and "first world" to the world. India argues that "while in the West the processes of capitalist industrialization stabilized themselves before the pressures for democracy begain, in India the two processes emerged almost simultaneously." (Menon 69). Although there are differences in how America came about, India should not use this an excuse for displacing people unjustly. Its plans to accelerate the building of infrastructure is superficial and it should reject the western picture of modernity or not accelerate into it. It is possible that India can develop its own modernity slowly and on its own terms. It does not need to adopt the forms that the western world has, or rush into it.

An example of how India adopted western ideas and adapted it is with the KamaSutra condom. The KamaSutra condom advertisement had "aesthetic parameters [which] were clearly derived from the visual repertoire of Western fashion shoots and the glossier end of pop videos" (Maz 61) and was advertised with text that resembled "stereotypical images of Western postwar popular culture" which refers to the post-Independence of India. Although KamaSutra used these ideas, along with the western style of sexualizing commodities, and attaching lifestyles to commodities, a form of advertisement, it maintained an Indianness to the KamaSutra. The KamaSutra condom was marketed with texts from the Kama Sutra text. It presented a concept of Indian pride in the marketing. Based on this good, other goods also took on this, called auto-oriental and aspirational marketing, which connected traditional images and context to goods, giving it an "Indianness" and developing an "Indianness" that could be defined by consumerism. "It's okay not to be able to eat with three different kinds f forks. [...]My identity is not under any kind of crisis. [...]So as a culture, after two hundred years of British rule, the culture is not very self-respecting. Now we have begun to respect ourselves." (Maz 144).

Contemporary capitalist globalization in India is providing Indians the resources to rise up in Indian society, and on a global stage. This new mobility, coupled with the enormous population of the country will provide it the opportunity to rise out of poverty and take a stronger presence on the world stage. New technological advancements such as fiber-optics and computers have changed the stage since the globalization during colonialism. Although Indians may begin doing what Americans see as work beneath them, with innovation due to this technology, India has the potential to rise above the west, which it depends on now and which in previous times had held it down, and use what is has gained to its advantage to rise above. The country while advancing faces troubles internally with infrastructure and corruption. If it does not correct these, or correct these properly there is possibility these problems will impede its flattening in the world. Only time will tell.
jyu104   
Dec 7, 2010
Undergraduate / 'I don't get excited easily' - Stanford a good place for you. [4]

I feel like your essay is a bit generic until the ending sentences. It could be an answer that anyone could write. What makes it you? What makes it SPECIFICALLY right for you that no other college can, or anyone else can relate to? Be more specific.
jyu104   
Nov 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "MY OWN PATH, Chinese mothers" - CommonApp Essay [6]

This is my sister's essay:

"My Own Path"

The summer of my sophomore year I was given a window to the medical world, and for eight weeks that summer I got the opportunity to shadow some of the best doctors and nurses in the field of medicine. As I listened to the muzak in the elevator that first day on the job, I did not know what to expect of this internship. I had had jobs at ice cream stores and libraries prior to this, but nothing quite like that of a hospital, where things were so fast paced, and serious decisions and actions were being made. I was placed in the nursing department of the hospital, specifically in the MICU or Medical Intensive Care Unit. On the first day of my job, within the first few hours, a patient in the wing went into cardiac arrest. As the medical machines galvanized, I saw doctors and nurses dart to the patient. Ready with their crash cart, they knew exactly what they were doing and how to do it without thinking twice. I was drawn to these confident men and women. Working in the MICU, you need to be able to act and think quickly and confidently in case anything happens to the patients, and they knew exactly what to do. Although these doctors and nurses had such a big job on their hands with taking care of very sick patients, they were vibrant and jovial people. They came in everyday with bright smiles on their faces, and looked forward to their job. Watching these nurses and doctors work gave me confidence in myself. They told me how much I reminded them of themselves when they were younger, people who were engaged to learn, watch and act. Getting the chance to know them, to know that I shared qualities with them, allowed me to believe that I could perform great feats like them someday as well.

My mother has always wanted me to become an accountant, or take on some form of quiet office job. But I probably will not follow that path which she yearns for me to take. Ever since I can remember, my mother has always compared me to other Chinese girls like my cousins or the children of her friends. Chinese mothers desire Chinese daughters who are obedient to their parents and husbands, who keep to their selves and who are "feminine." I cannot fulfill my mother's desires because I am not like my cousins, or the children of her friends. I am a person who is outspoken and who likes to take part and act. I am a person who has been a tomboy much of her childhood. I am a person who is opinionated, who wants to be involved in the real world and make change. I want to be one of those nurses or doctors at the hospital. They are people who inspire me. They are outgoing, talkative, funny, strong and confident men and women. Their path is the path I wish to take and it is the life I want.
jyu104   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / I am a conglomerate of different experiences and walks of life; Tufts - NEIGHBORHOOD [9]

Tufts Supplement Essays - Who I Am, Why Me?

Why Tufts?

When I think of Tufts, I think of globalization. I think of how the world is changing, and how like Tuft's student body, it is becoming more diverse and intertwined. I think of how Tufts knows this, and with requirement of a World Civilizations course, focus in international relations and foreign language fluency, it strives to produce students that are well educated and prepared for this changing world.

ORRRRRR THIS ONE:

Let your life speak. [IS THIS GENERIC?]

For the past eighteen years, I have lived in Allston, a neighborhood in Boston. Coming from such a diverse community, home to transient college students as well as new immigrant families, I am a conglomerate of different experiences and walks of life. I am a person is inspired by the struggling musician from Berklee, who shares the two room apartment next door, and by the single mother down the street. I am a person who silently listens on summer mornings to the Ukranian man across the street, who magnificently plays Tchaikovsky. I am a person who sips spicy Indian tea in the spring afternoon from my neighbors down the block, while watching Spanish action films. Coming from such a neighborhood, full of rich cultures and peoples from different backgrounds has influenced the person I am today. It has given me my own perspective on life, one in which I am open-minded and knowledgeable of the world. It has allowed me to live that is truly global in my own sense.

What will you contribute to the class? How are you unique?

I have an obsession with foreign music. I'm not exactly quite sure why, but I do. I get excited hearing the ballads of the Arab pop-stars, Sami Yusuf and Nancy Ajram, the feisty Spanish tracks put out by the Mexican artist, Juanes, and the rock singles from the Japanese band, Arashi. Simply hearing the sound of their music puts me in a state of jubilation and delight. On occasion I have been known to abandon the music scene in the United States for months at a time in favor of music from the Czech Republic or that of Lebanon. Lately, I've relapsed again, but this time into a state of shock, overwhelmed by the music scene in South Korea. But it's not all that bad because I get to learn about a new culture and language each time I retrogress. Last time when I dove into the songs of Sami Yusuf and Nancy Ajram, I ended up taking a six week course in Arabic. This time, I might learn some Korean.

By bringing my diverse interests to Tufts I can contribute to the richness of the Class of 2014. [Don't know how to finish this.]
jyu104   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / TUFTS! MY OBSESSION WITH FOREIGN MUSIC [4]

Self-identity and personal expression take many forms. For example, music, clothing, politics, extracurricular interests, and ethnicity can each be a defining attribute. Do you surf or tinker? Are you a vegetarian poet who loves Ayn Rand? Do you prefer YouTube or test tubes? Are you preppie or Goth? Use the richness of your life to give us insight: what voice will you add to the Class of 2014? (200 words)

I have an obsession with foreign music. I'm not exactly quite sure why, but I do. I get excited hearing the ballads of the Arab pop-stars, Sami Yusuf and Nancy Ajram, the feisty Spanish tracks put out by the Mexican artist, Juanes, and the rock singles from the Japanese guy band, Arashi. Simply hearing the sound of their music puts me in a state of jubilation and delight. On occasion I have been known to abandon the music scene in the United States for months at a time in favor of music from the Czech Republic or that of Lebanon. Lately, I've relapsed again, this time into a state of shock, overwhelmed by the music scene in South Korea. But it's not all that bad because I get to learn about a new culture and language each time I retrogress. Last time when I dove into the to songs of Sami Yusuf and Nancy Ajram, I ended up taking a six week course in Arabic. This time, I might learn some Korean.
jyu104   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / I am a conglomerate of different experiences and walks of life; Tufts - NEIGHBORHOOD [9]

For the past eighteen years, I have lived in _________, a neighborhood in Boston. Coming from such a diverse community, home to transient college students as well as new immigrant families, I am a conglomerate of different experiences and walks of life. I am a person is inspired by the struggling musician from Berklee who shares the two room apartment next door and by the single mother down the street. I am a person who silently listens on summer mornings to Tchaikovsky from the man across the street. I am a person who sips spicy Indian tea in the spring afternoon while watching Spanish action films. Coming from such a neighborhood, full of rich cultures and peoples from different backgrounds, has influenced the person I am today. It has given me my own perspective on life, one in which I am open-minded and knowledgeable. It has allowed me to live a life that is truly global.

What do you guys think of this? Is it weak? DEADLINE SOOOON.
jyu104   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Tufts? BECAUSE I HAVE AN OBSESSION WITH ELEPHANTS [6]

When I think of Tufts, I think of elephants. I think of globalization as well. I think of how, like Tuft's student body, the world is changing, and becoming more diverse and intertwined. I think of how Tufts knows this so well, and how, with requirement of a World Civilizations course, fluency in a foreign language, and focus in international relations, it tries to prepare its students for this new world. Then I think of how I want this as well.
jyu104   
Jan 3, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Tufts? BECAUSE I HAVE AN OBSESSION WITH ELEPHANTS [6]

Why Tufts?

When I think of Tufts, I think of elephants walking up and down the hills in Medford and platypuses swimming down the Charles. Weird thought, but besides that, I think of globalization, and how, like Tuft's student body, the world is becoming more diverse and intertwined. I think of how Tufts knows this, and how, with requirement of a World Civilizations course, fluency in a foreign language, and focus in international relations, it strives to prepare its students for this new changing world.

Can someone edit it so it's less choppy? Also do you think the intro is a bad idea? What do you guys honestly think of this?
jyu104   
Jan 3, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Tufts Essay- A Mirror Reflection? [9]

Don't use world-class dining. That hurts it a lot. I know Tufts has a pretty good dining plan but seriously.
jyu104   
Jan 3, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Tufts? Distinct Mission; INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS [8]

How about this guys?

In ten years, I envision myself as a successful lawyer, fluent in the languages of economics, international law, and Italian. From the School of Arts and Sciences' outstanding International Relations program to its foreign language requirements, the Tufts experience fits me. The diverse atmosphere and geography are ideal. As a cross country runner, championing hills is my specialty.
jyu104   
Jan 3, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Tufts? Distinct Mission; INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS [8]

Which aspects of Tufts' curriculum or undergraduate experience prompt your application? In short: ''Why Tufts?''

In our increasingly globalized world, dramatic changes are taking place. With requirement of a World Civilizations course, language proficiency, and a strong focus in International Relations, Tufts seeks to provide its students preparation for this emerging global society. Four years at Tufts, with its diverse and international student body, and its distinct mission, will prepare me to thrive in this new playing field.

[Do you guys find this to be incredibly generic and impersonal? Is it something I shouldn't use for my supplement? How can I improve it, in terms of topic, style, voice? Should I not use this at all?
jyu104   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay - The Cycle I'm Indebted; I understand my purpose to my neighborhood [4]

DEADLINE DEADLINE DEADLINE. I would greatly appreciate grammar edits.

I shuffle past the lobby to the backroom of the library. As I turn the knob, cracking open the door, I spot a familiar face. It is Gabriel. Taking a seat at the table, I scoot over beside him. Like many of the kids I tutor, Gabriel comes from a family of immigrants, just like many of the kids in my neighborhood. He reminds me of myself when I was younger, pencil in hand, eager to learn.

I point toward his backpack and he takes out his folder. He speeds through the math worksheets like usual, adding and subtracting with ease. But when we start on his English homework, I sense his unease. He has difficulty with this subject. So together we go through his worksheets slowly, making sure that he understands every part.

I look at the clock and it is five minutes until seven. The afterschool-tutoring program ended at six thirty and Gabriel's parents should have been here about half an hour ago. But it's fine, I don't mind staying later with him. We pour over a copy of Pinnochio while we wait for his parents, with him reading it first, and then me correcting his mistakes the second time around.

As we approach the end of the story, we hear a light rapping on the door. It is Gabriel's mother. She gives a sigh of relief when she sees Gabriel. She seems worn-out, shoulders slumped, with deep breathing, right out of work. She is glad that Gabriel is here and finds comfort in that. I tell her that we made good progress today, and Gabriel translates that for her. He reminds me of myself when I was younger, translating in English for my own parents. Gabriel's mom asks me something in her thick Portuguese accent, but I do not quite understand. Gabriel tells me that she is asking if I will be here tomorrow. I say yes, and that comforts her.

When I think about Gabriel and the kids like him that I tutor, I am reminded of myself. Coming from a household in which neither parent spoke very much English, I struggled with schoolwork. With both parents knowing just as much English as me, if not less, I had no one to turn to. My parents were concerned about my education and I turned to afterschool programs like the one Gabriel turned to. The help I received there influenced me and shaped me, and kept me from falling through the cracks. Had I not gotten the assistance I needed, I would never have been able to have the opportunities I've been able to have, or the achievements I've made.

Like Gabriel, coming from an immigrant family, I soon became of vital importance in my family. The one with strongest English, at a young age, I was depended on to help translate for my parents. I read to them their mail in English, and communicated with adults in English because they could not. From this experience, I know how important it is to help Gabriel and keep him from falling through the cracks, because I know he will be the lifeline for his family.

Coming from an increasingly diverse neighborhood and growing up in an immigrant family, I understand the challenges that are faced by the children of immigrants. I understand how, with my help, as Gabriel's mother is unable to help him, I can influence Gabriel's life. I also know how helping him will help his family as well. When I think of Gabriel and the kids I tutor, I am reminded of how grateful I am to be where I am today and I feel indebted. Because of kids like Gabriel, I understand my purpose to my neighborhood, and know that I can change the lives of the next generation of kids just like us.
jyu104   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / CommonApp Activities Essay - Humanitarian Group [5]

Constant fear of being abducted to become child soldiers by the rebel army, of massacre and genocide, have left the children of northern Uganda without future or hope. Neglected, because of publicity focused toward the north, in the Sudan, and toward the Iraq War, they are not receiving the help they need. Hearing their story, in 2008, I helped found a school chapter of Invisible Children, a non-profit organization geared toward improving the situation in northern Uganda. Through the organization, matched with the Atanga Secondary School, my chapter spread awareness of the children and their story. We fundraised to support their education by sending money to buy computers and desks, and by sending books we gathered from our community. We took action, to give these invisible children hope and a future that they deserved.
jyu104   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay - Putting Back What I've Been Given [9]

This is a CommonApp Essay I wrote 15 days ago and never edited. How can I further develop it? Is it a weak essay? The ending is very rushed and unorganized because I have yet to look at it closely because it is so uncomfortable to read. Edits and comments on how to develop it (and shorten it!) would be greatly appreciated.

---
I shuffle pass the lobby to the backroom of the library. As I turn the knob, cracking open the door, I spot a familiar face. It is Gabriel. Taking a seat at the table, I scoot over beside him. Like many of the kids I tutor, Gabriel is the child of new immigrants, like many of the kids in my neighborhood. He reminds me of myself when I was younger. Pencil in hand, I see that he is eager to start his work. I point toward his backpack and he takes out his folder. He speeds through the math worksheets like usual, adding and subtracting with ease. But when we start on his English homework, I sense his unease. He has difficulty with this subject. Together we go through his worksheets slowly, making sure that he understands every part.

I look at the clock and it is five minutes until seven. The afterschool-tutoring program should have ended at six thirty and Gabriel's parents should have been here about half an hour ago. But it's fine because I'm light on homework that night, and I don't mind staying later with him. We pour over a copy of Pinnochio while we wait for his parents, with him reads it first, and then me correcting his mistakes the second time around.

As we approach the end of the story, we hear a light rapping on the door. It is Gabriel's mother. She gives a sigh of relief when she sees Gabriel. She seems worn out, shoulders slumped, and deep breathing, right out of work. She is glad that Gabriel is here and finds comfort in that. I tell her that we made good progress today, and Gabriel translates for her. He reminds me of myself when I was younger, translating in English for my own parents. Gabriel's mom asks me something in her thick Portuguese accent, but I do not quite understand. Gabriel tells me that she is asking if I will be here tomorrow. I say yes, and that comforts her.

When I think about Gabriel and the kids I tutor like him, I am reminded of myself. Coming from a household in which neither parent spoke very much English, I struggled with schoolwork. With both parents knowing just as much English as me, if not less, I had no one to turn to. My parents were concerned about my education. I turned to afterschool programs like the one Gabriel turned to. The help I received there influenced me and shaped me as well as helping me keep from falling in the cracks. Had I not gotten the assistance I needed, I would never have been able to have the opportunities I've been able to access, or the achievements I've made.

Like Gabriel, coming from an immigrant family, I soon became of vital importance in my family. The one with strongest English, at a young age, I was depended on to help translate for my parents. I had to talk to read mail in English, and communicate with adults to help my family. I know how important it is to help Gabriel and keep him from falling in the cracks, because he will be the lifeline of his family.

Coming from an increasingly diverse neighborhood, growing up in an immigrant family, I understand the challenges that are faced by the children of immigrants. I understand how with my help, as Gabriel's mother is unable, I can influence Gabriel's life. I also know how helping him will help his family as well. When I think of Gabriel and the kids I tutor, I am reminded me how grateful I am to be where I am today. I feel indebted to them. Gabriel reminds me of my purpose to my neighborhood, why I tutor, and what I can do to help the next generation of kids just like us.

jyu104 Edit Delete Move 72.72.62.125
Jan 1, 2010 #8

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