ddragonx34
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Different perception of HOME; Tufts - "Let Your Life Speak" [3]
Hey, I also just posted this same question! haha
Ok. so.
Start with 266 Sargent Road had always appeared to me as a starting point. My mind constantly revolved around the idea that escaping 266 Sargent Road was the only way I could truly succeed.
It's a good hook that still makes your point. You then get a better understanding of why you wanted to leave your home in the next paragraph.
And I agree with Joosung. You definately must "show" the change more clearly. You do alot of "telling"(not good) in the last paragraph, especially. An example to show the change would make your piece stronger.
I hope this helped!
Please check out my Tufts supplement as well. : )
Hey, I also just posted this same question! haha
Ok. so.
Start with 266 Sargent Road had always appeared to me as a starting point. My mind constantly revolved around the idea that escaping 266 Sargent Road was the only way I could truly succeed.
It's a good hook that still makes your point. You then get a better understanding of why you wanted to leave your home in the next paragraph.
And I agree with Joosung. You definately must "show" the change more clearly. You do alot of "telling"(not good) in the last paragraph, especially. An example to show the change would make your piece stronger.
I hope this helped!
Please check out my Tufts supplement as well. : )