Undergraduate / "to major in the Medical field" - Application essay (the Ohio State) [3]

This essay is ok... However, I feel that it needs a little more substance. Instead of naming many reasons why you want to join, I think its better to just name a few and fully elaborate on them. Here, you say that this college will make you more individual, make you a leader, fit your personality. You also say that this college is close to your home, but far enough away, and that it is famous for its medical programs. You have so many reasons that you don't have enough room to develop them. Instead, you should pick a few and expound them. You say that you are a leader. How are you a leader? What do you do that makes you a leader? How do you act that shows that you are a leader? How will this college make you a better leader? You say that it fits your personality... But what is your personality? How does it fit? How will this make you a better, independent, and well-rounded individual? Keep these questions in mind when writing these essays. :] Overall, its a nice try though. Don't be discouraged.

Undergraduate / "outstanding abroad program" - Short answer to BU application. [3]

I first became interested in Boston University my junior year of high school. I started researching the university because of its reputation for outstanding abroad programs. I also adore the exciting city of Boston; there is always something to do there, including enriching internships. Another reason I became interested in Boston University is because of the school's reputation for an exceptional intellectual atmosphere. But one of the most appealing characterizesqualities that interested me about Boston University, is its sheer size, which allows for outstanding diversity and a wide range of courses.

Hmmm... You have a lot of reasons for going to BU. I agree with every one of them ^^ (I went to BU for an internship. I loved how the campus was dispersed throughout the city.) However, I think you should stick to one and develop it. By sticking with one and elaborating on the steps you took to find out more about BU, your short answer will become much stronger and substantial.

Undergraduate / "The soloist" - Something important that didn't go according to plan [11]

Thanks for the comments and advice. I'm going to need to revise it; I also thought it was lacking somewhere..

Oh, not that Meditation. The one by Massanet (originally for violin)

Undergraduate / UC prompt1: describe your world and how it shaped your aspirations... [14]

Here is my newest version of the essay.
I split of the introduction and tried to make things a little clearer.

The glow from the screen reflected off the whites of my anxious eyes. My fingers twitched on the mouse as I uneasily scanned the code I had meticulously engineered the past hour, and my head jerked from side to side as I nervously reviewed the textbook. The cursor hovered over the icon, and I covered my eyes as I made the fateful click. What seemed like years had passed when the computer finally screeched its shrill beep. I peered through my hands, afraid that my painstaking efforts would yield a mere "Compilation error." But to my utmost relief, I read that fateful phrase: "Hello World!" At age eight, I discovered my passion for programming.

Since that revolutionary incident, countless people and factors have molded my personality and perceptions of the world. My parents selflessly partook of my rigorous education and academic integrity; they offered the roof under which I worked, struggled, and accomplished for the past sixteen years. My swim coach infused in me determination and perseverance; she provided the friendly pool where I developed my talents and self-esteem. My music tutors taught me the poignant harmony between mind and soul; through my flute and piano, from lush lullabies to magnificent symphonies, I was imbued with emotional wholeness. All of these people taught me that the successful person always helps others and undoubtedly fashioned my aspirations. However, it was my helpful friends who most shaped my life dream to help others while pursuing something I love to do.

During the current Information Age, my friends and I indulged in engineering and computer programming. Initially, our similar interests were conducive to details and ideas that would improve homework efficiency and experimental safety. For example, many of our classmates struggled when balancing chemical equations; because disproportionate ratios of chemicals can lead to disastrous explosions, my friends and I set off to develop an interactive program that would graphically guide the users through step-wise calculations to the correct solutions. Although the endeavor was extremely challenging and required weeks of planning and compiling, my friends helped me drudge through difficult code until we yielded the final result. Through our software, our classmates avoided chemical accidents and performed better on homework and tests.

This success inspired my friends and me to sophisticate and utilize our expertise to assist others in productive and safe education. Together, we decided to market our talents. Computers are indispensable to current education, so we addressed users afflicted with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, a serious illness of aching wrists due to excessive computer use. While my friends designed the appearance and structure of a comfortable forearm rest for typing, I crafted a user-friendly program that adjusted the height and positions of the device. Such a gargantuan task was impossible to complete solo; when I needed assistance, my friends would pause their labor to help find bugs in my software and condense my code. Our finished product received Semifinalist standing in the National Engineering Design Challenge, a competition geared towards the development educational technology for handicapped people.

Without my friends, it would have been impossible to acquire the satisfaction of helping others achieve the full potential of education. My friends' selfless assistance and our accomplishments inspired me to continue, through computer programming, to develop effective and productive technology.

Writing Feedback / Learning from books or from experience ? What is your opinion? [9]

Oh! I should have given some examples... Thank for filling in, Kevin! :)

Undergraduate / "The soloist" - Something important that didn't go according to plan [11]


I'm still not sure about the first one, but do you think my new version adequately addresses what I learned from the experience?

The beat of my restless heart reverberated throughout my head.

I'm not supposed to be here!

My sweaty hands gleamed from the fluorescent lights as my fingers nervously twitched on the silver flute.

Of all days, why did she become sick today?

The soloist had contracted the flu last night. Although, as first chair, I was told to prepare for the piece also for good measure, I thought it couldn't happen. I was hardly prepared for such an exhibition and hated performing in front of staring eyes; my stage fright and the pressure were excessively nauseating. What if I make terrible mistakes? What if - the lights dimmed.

Oh no!

Thunderous applause greeted conductor as he majestically marched toward podium and motioned my presence. Reluctantly, I stepped forward and bowed to my doom. My mouth trembled as I slowly held my flute to my lips.

Okay. Take a deep breath and forget about the audience. Just make the right embouchure, and let the music flow. You can do this!

I began the Meditations. Fortunately, I recalled by heart its mellifluence of the piece when the original soloist had rehearsed with us. I closed my eyes and immersed myself into the familiar melodies. The euphony of the accompanying harmony soothed me. I forgot my worries...

As I concluded with a smorzando, the audience let out a sigh of contemplative relief. Their heartfelt applause filled me with self-confidence and pride. Since then, through meditation and self-encouragement, I conquered my fear of the stage.

Undergraduate / "College In My Thirties" - the positive or negative aspects of coming to college [3]


Hmm... This is not exactly a complete sentence. Also, it seems a little abruptly introduced into the paragraph. How about:
"Through college, I can pursue the jobs that I truly enjoy."

Undergraduate / Explanation on which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why [17]

I tried rewriting this essay. Here is the draft:

Given that I have only 100 words, I tried to fit my initial inspiration here... but I don't think I included references to MIT well enough...

Undergraduate / "It's just a matter of time and intelligence." - Ethical Dilemma [15]

Thanks for the comments. I tried following your advise while cutting down on characters to get my second draft:

Undergraduate / Best advice essay on "Hakuna matata" (from The Lion King) [4]

I was going to have some sentences rephrased as I read along... but I think I have a better idea to lower your word count. As I read your first paragraph, I thought your essay would have to do with finding rewards or some alternative to rewards. However, right after you talk about your advice. To me, the first paragraph seems to be out of context in regards to the essay as a whole. If you don't mind, I suggest that you cut the first paragraph out of the essay...

Undergraduate / "edit our profile" essay explaining why you don't wish to complete this assignment [8]

I think the best way to go about this essay is by creating your thesis about stalking and its effect on you. You shouldn't necessarily think that you have to directly address the question your teacher gave you. You can talk about your experience like how you told us and elaborate on how it impacted you. Then you can explain why you are afraid of posting pictures of yourself, etc. This way you will actually be answering the teacher's question while telling a story about yourself. This all is just a suggestion though. :)

Writing Feedback / No matter if it's original, more important is how useful is this idea for the people in a new way? [5]


I totally agree :]


Here, you don't specify what the "it" is. I think you should word it like:
"But, most importantly, what does "novel" mean?"


Saying both statements is a bit redundant. Also, its often best not to have the reader refer back to a previous statement.

somethingone that was never thought before or something old put together in a new way?[/quote]
Hmmm...what are you trying to say here? I'm a little confused...

... Overall, I think you have some good arguments, but I feel that you should stick more to the side that originality is simply re-inventing old ideas. In the end, the way you put it, you say the originality should be based on its "usefulness," but I have to disagree... I think you should still somehow incorporate into your idea that originality still includes some aspect of "new."

... Do you understand what I mean?

Essays / Essay Topic : Hope. (What does that mean?A final exam essay topic! Just Hope.) [3]

Woah!... First off, let's keep the profanity down. Swearing won't get you answers.

Personally, I find the more vague, the better because you have a wider range of options. I see that you wanted to write about "Hope." Just reflect on your past and think of the experiences that gave you hope. It could be doing well on your first test or winning a small game of chess. It doesn't have to be epic. Just find out the small things that give you hope, pull out an experience from the back of your head, and write about it. Write about what happened, how the experience gave you hope, and what you learned from it.

For "Lessons," think of something foolish you did.. or even something stupid someone else did. How did your/their actions affect others? What did you learn from you/their actions?

For "Open your Eyes," you should take this metaphorically. When you open your eyes, you see things you didn't see before. When was the last time you had that feeling? Maybe its a stereotype you always believed until an experience showed you that stereotypes are, in fact, almost never true.

Hope this helps.

Essays / Fall is the season that causes people to feel low - how to write introduction? [3]


I don't really agree, personally. Too me, it is one of the best seasons. Right between summer and winter, the weather is almost always "just right."

For your thesis, don't state "most feel low..." because many of the readers may find otherwise. Simply just say "while some like fall ... others think that fall makes them feel low... etc"

Do you see what I mean?

For the body paragraphs, think of reasons why fall would make someone feel low and enervated. You could even use scientific facts if you can find them. Experience with others can also help.

Undergraduate / Mae Jemison; historical figure influenced you and explain that influence [24]


Well... I was wondering if you guys could almost pinpoint what I am going to say about this person. I was wondering if you guys could tell that I admire this person not just because she's an influential scientist but because she's an influential scientist with venerable qualities...

Thanks for your thoughts, anyways! I really appreciate your help! :]

Undergraduate / "What makes us fathers and sons" - UF (Meaningful Event) [7]


I think this better incorporates your real legal :] name into the sentence.


The second phrase is a fragment. You could combine it with the first one:
"My parents told me that the government had mixed up my name when we moved from China to the US."


I hear many people say this, but I don't understand why it's "wrong." Its grammatically correct and, when used correctly, can yield powerful sentences... But if you insist:



Hmm... I'm not quite sure when you say "to escape clarifications" ... Are you saying "to escape the hassle of explaining the origin of your legal name"? I'm sorry.. :] This sentence isn't clear.


You can simply combine the two quotes.


Now this I advise against: Don't start your sentences with "but". If you really need a contrast, you should use "however" or "nevertheless." In this case, I don't think you need that contrast.


I think splitting up that sentence like this will make it flow smoothly.


Wow. :) Nice job startling the reader with that surprising fact.


You might want to explicitly state what those characteristics are. The reader might not know what you are exactly saying by "Chinese characteristics." I'm Korean (Ok. Not exactly Chinese) and I don't know what you mean by that.


I think you are doing alright with this. You can improve though. You can continue and explain what those differences mean.
In the paragraph after, you do a nice job explaining how you managed the shocking information and the "moral" you learned.


What do you mean by the italic phrase? Besides the confusion, I think this will be a great concluding sentence for the previous sentence.


I don't think every essay has to relate to the college experience. Just as long as you adequately explain the experience's influence on you, you should be fine. Unless, of course, the prompt (which I just realized you haven't supplied) tells you to specifically do so.

Essays / Extended essay on sustainable vs. green design ideas [9]

I would suggest researching these topics on google first. Then find several examples of each kinds of design and talk about them. Talk about which ones is more economical ore environmental-friendly or easy to implement or profitable. Talk about these things.

Undergraduate / Subsonic Delight, something that you find fun or humorous (Caltech) [8]


This is merely an exaggeration emphasizing my childish ways when I was young.


Must it reflect on who I am? I'm sure many of the pranks other people pull of do NOT reveal their true characteristics...

But thanks for the advice anyways... I definitely don't want to seem truly "evil." :] Maybe just in a playful way.

Essays / Extended essay on sustainable vs. green design ideas [9]

Well, I would think this one would be an easy one. Take a side. Is going green better than simply going for the sustainable, more efficient devices? Take a stance and argue for your side. Try this - it should give you some ideas how to start.

Undergraduate / "The soloist" - Something important that didn't go according to plan [11]


Yeah, but the prompt box I'm supposed to answer in only allows normal text: no bold, no underline, not italics. :( Yeah.. pretty lame.

Kevin, I tried revising as you advised. Does this sound better?

The beat of my restless heart reverberated throughout my head.

I'm not supposed to be here!

My sweaty hands gleamed from the fluorescent lights as my fingers nervously twitched on the silver.

Of all days, why did she become sick today?

The soloist had contracted the flu last night. Although as first chair I was told to prepare for the piece also for good measure, I thought it wouldn't happen. I was hardly prepared for such an exhibition and hated performing in front of staring eyes; my stage fright and the pressure were excessively nauseating. What if I make terrible mistakes? What if - the lights dimmed.

Oh, no!

Thunderous applause greeted conductor as he majestically marched toward podium and motioned my presence. Reluctantly, I stepped forward and bowed to my doom. My mouth trembled as I slowly held my flute to my lips.

Okay. Take a deep breath. Forget about the audience. Just make the right embouchure, and let the music flow - You can do this!

I began the Meditations. Fortunately, I recalled by heart its mellifluence when the original soloist had rehearsed with us. The euphony of the accompanying harmony soothed me. I closed my eyes and immersed myself into the familiar melodies; I soon forgot my tension and worries...

As I concluded with a smorzando, the audience let out a sigh of contemplative relief. Their heartfelt applause filled me with self-confidence and pride. Since then, through meditation and self-encouragement, I conquered my fear of the stage.

Oh my god! I read that article you linked, Kevin, and it explains that dilemma I've been feeling so well and concisely. I commend that article! :)

Undergraduate / UC prompt1: describe your world and how it shaped your aspirations... [14]

Thanks everyone for your help!

I was wondering if I would recycle this essay for the following prompt:
"In a world where technology continually adapts and progresses, Harvey Mudd College expects that our students will be aware of the impact of their work on society. How would you use new advances to improve your life and/or the lives of those around you? Describe your idea and its potential impact. Feel free to be as creative or as practical as you like."

Would it work? From these apps, I learned that it's best to right a "universal" essay that will help answer several college prompts at once so that you won't have to write over and over again. :)

Essays / Extended essay on sustainable vs. green design ideas [9]

This article will definitely help you understand the differences:

qualifiedremodeler.com/print/Qualified-Remodeler/Green-vs-S ustainable--Discerning-the-Difference-/1$922

Sustainable designs just last long even if it is bad for the environment.
Green is self explanatory (but not necessarily sustainable)
Sustainable AND green is THE way to go. :)

Undergraduate / "It's just a matter of time and intelligence." - Ethical Dilemma [15]


It was sophomore year actually.

Oh... I should be clearer. The teacher saw me looking at her, so he thought I was cheating. -.- Th irony.

Writing Feedback / TO SPEND BILLIONS OF MONEY ON THE SPACE PROGRAM? CLEP essay [6]

Ha. :P Nice one.

Writing Feedback / Does the end justify the means? - GRE issue essay. [6]

Yes! I totally agree! The quote is a bit extreme, if you ask me.


May I suggest a slight rewording? To me, this sentence feels a little awkward:
"In pursuing their dreams, people, more often than not, choose paths with much obstacles."
When you say "than others," what is the other path?
I think this sentence should say something more like: people choose unorthodox paths to achieve success... or something similar because the rest of the paragraph, you talk about the possibility of the successfulness of the "awkward decisions."

Sorry - I have to go now - I'll get back to this as soon as I can.

Writing Feedback / Does the end justify the means? - GRE issue essay. [6]


Here, I don't know if losing on purpose is illegal, but it is definitely immoral. Bringing your other teammates down just for money is almost definitely wrong.


I think you should add a smoother transition between the second and third paragraph. In the second one, you are talking about the good points of achieving goals through any means, but in the third you abruptly introduce the dark side of the quote. When you said, "for many people, the goal is to earn money," I didn't expect you to completely turn it around and add a dark, evil connotation to earning money. You should ease it in, saying something about how earning money illegally is immoral in the first sentence.

Otherwise, I think you organized the rest of your thoughts pretty well. 45 minutes is definitely not enough time to ponder and organize your thoughts effectively, but you're pretty good at it. (I was never good at the SAT essays ><)

Undergraduate / Subsonic Delight, something that you find fun or humorous (Caltech) [8]

I changed a few words a bit to make it sound better... How does it look?

Undergraduate / Explanation on which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why [17]

Thanks for the advice! I tried to incorporate more the concepts I would like to master an MIT, but the word count is still constricting... I feel that if I cut any more out of the story before, my conclusion (which I feel is still very weak) would become out of place...

I tried my best to make the Gameboy sound as human as possible, giving it human attributes, to emphasize the artificial intelligence aspect of the story... Am I doing that alright?

When I was ten, my Gameboy was my closest companion; I caressed every scratch I found. One day, during an intense Pokemon battle, the screen dimmed and its life faded; scared, I naively demanded that my dad revive it through CPR. When my dad dissected the case, I was anxious to witness blood ooze out of its heart, but I only saw two bars my dad called "batteries." Feeling cheated, I dedicated myself to dissecting the neural power of electronics; MIT's DEECS robotics can help me uncover the secrets of electronics and supply artificial intelligence to the human need.

Undergraduate / Subsonic Delight, something that you find fun or humorous (Caltech) [8]


I thought so too... :\ But my sophisticated humor is not the greatest... I generally like "sophisticated farce" better, where I use the concepts of science or literature to enact funny things...

If it's truly necessary to change my story to encompass sophisticated humor, could you tell me? If I have to change my story, I'll have to do it. Gotta do what I have to do. :)

Undergraduate / "volunteering in a prominent local hospital," 150 WORDS COMMON APP ESSAY [12]

Yes. Be sure to explain what you learned from the experience. Although 150 words is somewhat inhibiting, it is very possible. :]

Writing Feedback / "The diagram related how are lead pencils made.", IELTS: writing part 1 [7]


You should never "till." Instead, use until.

Then,Afternext 14 years, the tree is prepared to be cut down.

Your thoughts are very organized. However, I would suggest varying you sentence structures a little bit. So, for example, you could combine "There the tree is cut for thin "slats" and it is treated. It stays inactive for 60 days." like:

"There, the tree is cut forinto thin "slats." The slats are treated and remain inactive for the next 60 days."

What is this essay for? I see that it is for IELTS, but do you have a prompt?

Undergraduate / "My dad passed away when i was just 11 years old", an application essay. [17]


I'm afraid I must agree. I hear from teachers and professors that this kind of topic is cliche. What you can do to make this more personal is what Cuong advised. Right now, when I read this, I feel that you are writing about how you admire your mother rather than the influence of the loss on you. Tell the reader what you deeply felt and how you coped with the loss. By making it more personal, the essay will become more powerful. :)

Writing Feedback / Does the end justify the means? - GRE issue essay. [6]


Oh. Right! :] But I guess SAT is sort of similar... except we have a WHOPPING 25 minutes to write an essay -.-

Scholarship / UofT in Life Science: Need help starting an essay on my career plan [7]

You said that you are finishing undergrad study in life science. What are you going to do with your knowledge? By going into the medical field, what will you achieve? How will you help the world or your community with your experience? These are the kind of questions you should consider. For examples, think of the things you have done already during your life and reflect on how they shaped your plans. We don't know how you lived your life, but it definitely must have some impact on your future plans.

Undergraduate / "My dad passed away when i was just 11 years old", an application essay. [17]


Oh... -.- I'm sorry. :\
Well, I still think its a good idea to add more personal statements in there...

Undergraduate / "It's just a matter of time and intelligence." - Ethical Dilemma [15]


Does this help explain the dilemma more? I'm wrestling with a character count limit (I think that's worse than a word count limit ><) here while trying to maintain the the substance and effectiveness of this story.

Thanks a lot for your time and effort!

School just started, so I won't be able to contribute as much as I did before, but I will definitely try to help here and there. Would that be fine? Once college applications are done, though, I can come back on track.

Writing Feedback / Influence of past achievements is necessary for making a significant contribution [3]


Woah. To me, this is a bit of an overstatement. Whatever someone does must be influenced by something. Given this contemporary world, it is extremely unlikely that a person just came up with an idea out of nowhere (there are rare cases of that... i guess -.-); instead, he is mostly likely inspired by something. The works of Pasteur and Feynman and Newton were indeed revolutionary, but their former experiences with experimentation, observation, calculation, and analysis led them to their discovery and formulation of pasteurization, Feynman diagrams, and gravity.

BTW, your vocabulary is pretty impressive! It is nowhere near "poor," unless you are comparing to someone like Plato or Socrates.. but let's not get pessimistic. :)

"A scientist, a leader, a doctor - these are examples of people who leave lasting impressions in their respective fields."
I don't know... to me, it seems a little redundant to say that... but this is just an opinion...

"In scientific fields, we also encounter something known as a serendipitous discovery or invention. A serendipitous discovery is an unintentional discovery. "
As Pasteur said, chance favors those who are more prepared and experienced. You might discover something, but if you don't have background knowledge and experience, which are inevitably based on other people's accomplishments, you won't know that you had discovered.

"Usually, the donated money goestransfers to some sort of organizations like a cancer research centers , children's home, etc. Now,the The people donating the money may not have any idea how cancer research is doneoperated or how to rundirect a children's home, but they are still making a significant contribution, although not directl y."

Just a few changes that I thought would make the statements stronger. :]
Here... you do make a good point... but for the sake of argument :) I want to bring out a possibility. What then influences the philanthropist to generously donate so much money? Something must have inspired him. Maybe as a child, he had severe illness, or he experienced others suffer misfortune and poverty... although not directly and not rigorously, an experience related to a field of study would have influenced him then... But your arguments are clear and concise, and you organize your thoughts very well! Don't take offense :] It was just for argument's sake...