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Posts by Priyanka3
Joined: Aug 17, 2010
Last Post: Dec 31, 2010
Threads: 6
Posts: 17  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 23
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Priyanka3   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Babson- Dear Roommate. Great friend. [4]

Hi thank you reading the essay. Any comments/ critiques will be appreciated. Thank you.

The topic was- Write a letter to your first-year roommate at Babson. Tell him or her what it will be like to live with you, why you chose Babson, and what you are looking forward to the most in college:


Dear future roommate,

First and foremost, I'd like to congratulate you on your new chapter of life beginning at our new home, Babson College. Many say that College is the best four years of your life where you truly discover yourself, and I personally couldn't be more overwhelmed. I know our new beginning together will be filled with surprises, let downs, and many firsts, but the journey itself will undoubtedly be unforgettable and worthwhile.

If I had to describe myself with one word, risk taker would be it. I take risks academically, personally, and in everyday matters. Yes, I realize that failure is a possibility with risks, but equally is success. With that, I fully acknowledge the fact that I'm unquestionably, a true optimist. As your roommate, I'll try my best to be your number one support system as a great listener, or just simply, a friend in need. Those nights where we feel homesick, to those days where we can't express what's wrong, I promise to be there. I hope you'll too accompany me in my adventurous and spontaneous events I partake in. A little sneak peak of my bucket list contains cliff jumping, a little different from the typical bungee jumping but don't worry, just as thrilling, and scuba diving, discovering a new type of world underwater. I'm not perfect and have both my strengths and flaws, as so do you but I look forward to growing as a person, and learning from the positive and negative experiences we encounter each day. Together, we can transform our dreams into reality.

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm surely on my way. I knew that the first step in reaching my destination was through the doors of Babson College. As I'm sure you had your own reasons, I did too and the choice was simple, and clear. In the midst of completing my college applications, I saw something in Babson that I hadn't seen in the others; heart. It's not only shown by the apparent motivation and support in the faculty and its students, but by the strong vision and core values Babson grasps. It inspires its students to be the future, and guides them in the road towards it. Babson provides a great business education with its emphasis on innovation, collaboration, and key business disciplines: all of which I strongly believe in. I'm ready to expand my borders and discover ideas and knowledge of which my mind will truly be amazed by, with you, my future friend.

We are the students of the class of 2016, slowly creating history in our own, Babson College. Are you ready? I surely am. If you're not too sure, remember, you've got a friend by your side the whole way.

Sincerely,
Your new friend.
Priyanka3   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "My Grotto" - ND supplement essays [4]

I agree with the corrections made by Kelsey Br. Otherwise they're both very good. I like how in the second one you talk about certain details instead of just general comments that could be used for any college. For the first short essay, a suggestion is to add more. Good job though!
Priyanka3   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "I am an oddball." - Stanford to Future Roommate [7]

I thought it was great! My favorite would be -

to always be considerate of you, and to never eat the last of the mint chocolate chip ice cream without replacing the carton.

Humors definitely a plus when its used well, and I like how its not so formal because the letter is to your roommate. good job!
Priyanka3   
Oct 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "About My uncle and how he achieved his status" -Common Appp Essay Negative Influence [7]

I changed up my last paragraph a bit --

Like the once eminent Peter McWilliams had said, "The road to positivity is strewn with the abandoned vehicles of the faint- hearted." I wasn't able to control the influences I was under, but to have each affect me positively was something I took responsibility for. The hurtful experiences I've been through give me strength to be who I am today. Although these happenings have been ill-fated, I thank my uncle for displaying the image I for one never want to see in the mirror.

Is that okay? thanks!
Priyanka3   
Oct 11, 2010
Undergraduate / "About My uncle and how he achieved his status" -Common Appp Essay Negative Influence [7]

Hi, the topic I chose for my commonapp essay was-
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence

I've grown up believing that the love of a family is life's greatest blessing. Instead I've realized that we're the most naïve when we are young. My parents, without a question, have showered me with love and tried their best to guide me in the right direction, but unfortunately they're not the only ones who've influenced me greatly. My uncle, a wealthy high status man, has received his current wellbeing by manipulating, lying and cheating to his closest ones. Although those slyly techniques weren't used towards me, I've witnessed enough to learn from its harmful consequences.

As I lay in bed, almost half asleep, I hear my father's harsh words directed towards my uncle. Maybe I wasn't meant to hear this, but I felt I had a right to know. What I heard that night truly changed my positive outlook on my uncle till this day. The man I looked at as genuinely giving and noble for helping out my dad by providing him with a job for the time being, had another motive in his actions. Hearing that he took advantage of my dad by making him work past his capability and skimming him of his earned money, I recognized the harshness of humanity. From his wrongdoings I'm fortunate enough to learn from his negative characteristics by gaining a perspective of what not to do. I now have a new profound respect with whomever I interact with as that's the same courtesy I'd wanted to be treated with. Additionally, I've learned honesty rather than cheating and lying gets you farther in life.

Even though my dad was unfortunate with his only option of working for my uncle, he tried his best searching for new employment. When he decided to stop relying on others, and rather start his own business, he not only found happiness but also opened my eyes to reality. As my family supported him through his new journey, my uncle attempted to discourage him to quit. Seeing him fight against his hurtful words and succeeding, my dad showed me his strength which helped me find my own. In life there will always be people who abash your achievements and I've seen that the only way to get past it is to disregard their words and find courage to step past them. I plan to bring these traits with myself to a new institution where I will determinedly pursue my dreams in search for my own happiness.

Like the once eminent Peter McWilliams had said, "The road to positivity is strewn with the abandoned vehicles of the faint- hearted." The hurtful experiences I've been through gave me strength to be who I am today. Although these happenings have been ill-fated, I thank my uncle for displaying the image I for one never want to see in the mirror.

I decided to choose a negative influence I had and to make into something postive. Any criticism, comments, edits will be appreciated! :) Still thinking of an ending btw. Thanks!
Priyanka3   
Oct 11, 2010
Undergraduate / "Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you" -Personal Statement on major [7]

Hi, I definitely like the topic. Its not cliche and is well written about. The length is a bit short though so maybe you could expand on your rehabitilation experience. How you grew from it and turned it into something positive. I also agree with Kevin in doing research, but good luck! :)
Priyanka3   
Oct 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Rutgers: volunteering diversity [6]

Growing up with a dominant south Asian background, I have always kept my roots close to my heart. Although I grew up mostly in America, my parents have done a great job in finding the medium between the American and Hindu customs. I've grown up accepting different aspects from each varying from food, religious holidays, and fashion. Food ranging from samosas to traditional Italian dishes and from wearing saris to skirts, I've been fortunate enough to live the best of both worlds. But it didn't stop there as my family celebrated holidays such as Christmas, Diwali and Thanksgiving.

I hope this was a much better improvement. Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you=] Still thinking of an ending sentence. Any suggestions would be nice.
Priyanka3   
Oct 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Rutgers: volunteering diversity [6]

Hi thank you donrocks. Reading your comments have actually revoked me to write a new essay. The whole essay indeed was very weak, so I'm going to focus on other elements and post my revised essay sometime later tonight. Thank you again.
Priyanka3   
Oct 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Rutgers: volunteering diversity [6]

Required Essay: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.

From the moment we take our first step till we speak our first word, we're offered chances. Chances to do it right the first time, or to work on it till we do. At nine years old, I didn't realize the greatness in the opportunity of coming to the USA. The risk that my family took by leaving their life behind in India to grant me and my brother our best future, has currently made me the extraordinary person I am today. The steps I took to reach where I am included different people, events, and little special moments. My family is the one thing that has been there through all the steps to encourage me to perform to my best ability and to never give up. Specifically, when I had gotten into my first accident within a week of getting my license, I like many was still in shock and gained a fear of driving in the future. But when my dad forced me to drive to the location of its occurrence the same night of, he taught me how mishaps occur unexpectedly and uncontrollably. But most importantly, he helped me find courage inside myself and assisted me in reaching the point of fearless. From then on, I've seen the world in a different perspective in which each day could be a new beginning. Thus, I have done the most I can to make a difference with volunteering at hospitals, gyms, senior citizen homes to keeping my grades up and lastly, enjoying each moment. Volunteering at Robert Wood Johnson Hospital was worth more than the hours I was required and the friends I got to see. As I helped out in the Cancer institution, I firsthand saw the struggles of the patients to simply just live another day and their joy in being surrounded by family and friends. At first, the atmosphere seemed to be too gloomy and dark but the chance to make their last days unforgettable and incomparable was a chance of a lifetime. It was a great experience to being able to help those in need. I believe Rutgers University will be as much as an advantage to me as I will be to the university itself. My willingness to help those around me is something I hope to spread throughout the Rutgers community. Rutgers will allow me to flourish and succeed in a larger sense of volunteering. It'll grant me the opportunity to spread my ideas to those unfortunate around the world with its outstanding study abroad program. But most importantly, Rutgers is the university which will help make me the best I can be.

Any help or advice will be appreciated. I feel its the weakest of the essays i've written yet=/. Characters- 2,397. Thank you!
Priyanka3   
Oct 2, 2010
Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay - food (stand/restaurant or home) [5]

Nowadays, it's very common to see in magazines, TV programs, and internet talkingtopics concerning health. The main goal that comes is: 'you are what you eat'. I believe that eating food prepared at your own home is the better way to be sure of the quality of what you are eating.clearly see the outstanding quality of your own food. Firstly, when you're going to prepare your own food you will make sure that the product will be at a valid data. (valid data isn't the correct word. I suggest using rosh's advice concerning that sentence)

Good luck!
Priyanka3   
Oct 2, 2010
Writing Feedback / Toefl essay : The most important leader in your country. [5]

This was a very interesting essay. I like the others also agree with the corrections of Mea505. Your last sentence was my favorite. The only other correction I could think of is below.

Some people use his quote to lead their lives, some use his characteristics , and some used his past to be an example of theirs.

He has many characteristics and you used present tense throughout the sentence, so it should also be use.
Good luck! =)
Priyanka3   
Oct 2, 2010
Undergraduate / "goals of my dad" - Drexel Essay with the major of Business [4]

Hi, I'm back!
I decided to keep most of my essay and just change the ending.
Any thoughts or advice will be appreciated. Thank you!

My dad's pursuit of his goal led me to see the reality of dreams, and gave me faith and motivation in achieving my own. The first step towards my dreams leads to the door of Drexel University, where I plan to be the best I can be.
Priyanka3   
Sep 4, 2010
Undergraduate / "goals of my dad" - Drexel Essay with the major of Business [4]

Hi guys! Im applying to Drexel with the major of Business(for still-deciding students). The topic is:

All other applicants: You may write about why you are interested in your choice of major, or you may write on any subject you choose.

This is only my rough draft so any help would be appreciated :)

When I was only nine years old, my family and I took the chance of leaving our home in India to set our feet upon America, the land of opportunity. My dad took the advantages of the resources, connections, and opportunities of which America granted him and focused on the goals he had yet to achieve. But who would have known that his goals would soon become my own passion?

Couple years down the road, when my Dad successfully opened his own restaurant, I remember the first thoughts to myself, "Yes! Free food." As months had passed and the food became native, I realized how much I had simply enjoyed being there as I became the extra hand of help to my father. Spending numerous hours during my weekends, and evenings on weekdays, I saw firsthand the challenges and benefits of self-employment. For me personally, the rewards definitely overweighed the downsides. From as little as picking the colors of the walls and the shapes of the tables, to seeing the net income at the end of the day, I knew I loved every aspect of it. It gave me the feel of accomplishment in the little seed I helped plant as I watched it grow with my support and maintenance.

Although one would be confident in going into the field of management after that experience, I acknowledge the various fields Business offers and I want to be able to explore my options to find my correct fit. The restaurant gave me basic essentials for any field in Business like the importance of networking, advantages of social skills and the need of leadership, yet also teamwork. I believe that Drexel's LeBow College of Business will help my current situation by allowing me to prosper my in and out of college experience with the Co-Op it provides. As this opportunity will guide me in to my more specific study of Business, it will also give me valuable experience to stand out from among the other graduates.

The goals of my dad have led me to see the reality of dreams coming true, and gave me faith and motivation in achieving my own. With these things, (Still thinking of a good ending:()[/

Word count so far is 364/500. Thanks all. If anybody has any ideas for a good ending please let me know :)
Priyanka3   
Sep 4, 2010
Undergraduate / Strong sense of obstinacy best describes me. MIT [9]

The essay seems to be very serious! Try to lighten up, im sure the admission counselors will appreciate it after reading tons of serious ones. :) They'll definitely be impressed by something different. I do like the specific examples you put in there though. Also, the ending to your revised essay is great!
Priyanka3   
Sep 4, 2010
Writing Feedback / SHORT ESSAY Describe your favorite food- Instant-boiled mutton [8]

Wow! The essay was definitely very clear and descriptive.

The light-red mutton slices, curved like paper soaked in the water, along with white fish balls and brown beef balls, emit savory smells of meats

That was my favorite part! I don't seem too see any other errors then what was already corrected above. Good luck! =)
Priyanka3   
Aug 23, 2010
Undergraduate / Change in academics- a responsibility I'm willing to take and conquer. [5]

Thanks Freezard and Kevin!

I decided to take your advice on talking about particular subjects and motivations for my future by changing my ending--

For another chance to boost my GPA and to gain the intellectual knowledge for college, I
took the opportunity to participate in a few AP classes and the greater chance for learning. In my particular class of AP Language and Composition, my professor had changed my false impression of academics being boring, into rather intriguing and challenging. As his lectures didn't follow the common procedure of notes and tests, I learned from his personal experiences and humorous techniques. His teachings helped me gain courage and acknowledge my own strengths, which have now given me a clear vision of my future. From not knowing what classes to take the preceding year to having a passion of one day being a prestigious business owner, I hope others are able to see the change that I see in myself. As famous William Drayton had once said, "Change starts when someone sees the next step." I'm willing to find that step to success, those steps to my future.


Is it too long by any chance? Any other general comments would be great also. Thanks all!
Priyanka3   
Aug 19, 2010
Undergraduate / Change in academics- a responsibility I'm willing to take and conquer. [5]

The question was:

The Admissions Committee expects that you will take advantage of this question to explain any grade on your transcript that is unusually low or varies significantly from your usual performance.

My grades freshman and sophmore year don't represent the person I am now so I'm hoping what I wrote below shows them the change.

Everybody says high school is the era in your life, in which the mistakes you make, the friendships that you gain, help you find who you truly are. When I had first entered my freshman year, my priorities were in making friends, and in enjoying myself, but in the end many of those friends had been distrustful as the enjoyment had deeply affected my academics. Going down the wrong road, I didn't know what the right turn to make was. Consequently, my sophomore year, I had tried harder but not diligently enough to display a change in my morals and values. When the summer had arrived, it occurred to me that I'd be leaving to college in less than two years, and to make my family and friends proud, I would have work with determination, as it is my future in my hands. Looking back at my junior year now, with all those long nights of endless works, and caffeine to keep me awake, it was all worth the work as I had almost gotten straight A's and moved up in classes to challenge myself. For another chance to boost my GPA and to gain the intellectual knowledge for college, I took the opportunity of taking a few AP classes and the greater chance for learning new unknown knowledge. I acknowledge the fact that change is inevitable, but making that change to benefit myself and my future, is a responsibility I'm willing to take and conquer.

Any changes or comments will be greatly appreciated! Thank you.
Priyanka3   
Aug 19, 2010
Student Talk / How can I contribute to this awesome website? [40]

Hi! It's good to know I don't have to be matered in the english language to relpy to many of these threads. This site is very useful because there are many wonderful writers, and seeing them correct my essay in their free time, truly is so great and also improves my writing for the next time. I'm going to preceed to comment on essays with my thoughts in which many of the errors have already been corrected or in which I see none.
Priyanka3   
Aug 17, 2010
Undergraduate / Sport: Tennis - Common App Short Answer [5]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below

I couldn't figure out which beginning to use so the following were my choices..

Everybody says high school is the era in your life, in which the mistakes you make, the friendships that you gain, help you find who you truly are. Entering my senior year in high school, I'm starting to realize the credibility in that saying, and luckily for me, a great part in discovering myself occurred in my favorite hobby, Tennis.

OR

Playing tennis for the first time at the tryouts in my freshmen year, I would have never been able to predict all the morals and values it has granted me currently. Entering my senior year now, I have gained many valuable friendships, ambition for trying unfamiliar things and most importantly felt the most rewarding feeling of triumph in my own improvement.

And the rest is..

As it is a sport in which a team has to unify for victory, rather than one man for himself, tennis has taught me how to be a team player, and allowed me to feel the joy of being selfless in helping others progress. After long tiring practices, I've learned success comes with hard work, and pays off as it did in winning games and in academics. Those long bus rides after winning games, and losing others, showed me the true importance of the comfort and joy we had felt in the company of each other rather than the outcome of the game.

Any comments of how to improve it would be greatly appreciated! Also its a bit over 150 words.. so if you know any unnecessary words to remove, please let me know! Thank you!!

-Priyanka