Undergraduate / "physics class" - Penn Supplement- Bioengineering and Band [4]

I want to add a 1 to 2 sentence conclusion, so if anyone knows what I could say for that, please let me know. As always, any suggestions are appreciated.

I have always been interested in math and science, but my curiosity developed into a fascination last year in physics class. I loved that every concept seemed to build on the one before it, and how they all helped me understand the world in a way I never had before. Whenever I think about my future, I always think of Bioengineering- a career that would allow me to develop this fascination with the way the world works and to apply my knowledge to a project that could help improve peoples' lives. I want to study at Penn not only because it is home to one of the strongest Bioengineering programs in the country, but also because it would give me the best opportunities to grow and develop both as an engineer and as a person.

I hope to advance my interest in engineering both in and out of the classroom. One of the major reasons why I decided to apply to Penn is the emphasis on undergraduate research. In college, I hope to participate in independent research, specifically in tissue engineering or biomechanics, to help me achieve my goal of further developing and improving the artificial kidney.

As an undergraduate at Penn, I will also actively participate in Advancing Women in Engineering and Society of Women Engineers. Since engineering is a career that students in high school, particularly girls, are not generally exposed to, I would love the opportunity to share my experiences as a Penn engineer with prospective students through AWE, and enlighten them about the opportunities for women in engineering. I want to be able to visit my high school and tell my former classmates about a rich and rewarding career, one that they might not have considered before. I will participate in outreach programs through SWE to help generate interest in the field of engineering among middle school and high school girls. I would also like to participate in the mentoring program organized by AWE and SWE so I could meet and learn from accomplished women in my chosen field.

At Penn, I would also further my interests outside of engineering, specifically music. I have been in band for seven years, and while it has been both a fun and beneficial experience, it has also been somewhat stressful, and so time consuming that I often had to sacrifice sleep in order to study and finish my homework. I want to be in the Fighting Quaker Marching Band because it combines the best parts of high school band- the camaraderie, performances, and, of course, music- without the stress or constant repetition. I love that the band's members have an active role in writing the shows, and that the shows themselves are supposed to be funny and entertaining rather than technically perfect. Being in band at Penn would give me a way to participate in something I love while keeping engineering my top priority.

Undergraduate / The subway in Paris- Brown Supplement [5]

The prompt is "Tell us about an intellectual experience, project, class, or book that has influenced or inspired you." Any suggestions, especially with my conclusion, are appreciated.

With dwindling patience and a growing feeling of panic in the pit of my stomach, I tried desperately to unravel and comprehend the massive web of pink, blue and green lines on the wall in front of me. The crowd of smartly dressed Parisian men and women pushed past me in an effort to make it onto the train before the doors closed. Each sign that could have possibly given me any assistance was written in an unfamiliar language, and I could not help wishing that I had spent the last three years of school in French class rather than Spanish. Clearly, it had been ludicrous to suggest that I, a vacationing fifteen-year-old who spoke only English and limited Spanish, was capable of being on my own in a city so foreign to me, even for only an hour.

I had exactly fifteen minutes to find my way back to the hotel to meet my parents. Fifteen minutes to learn to read French, to decipher the intimidating subway map, and to run from the subway station to the motel. And to think it had all seemed like such a good idea an hour ago. I stared hopelessly at the web of lines until I saw the word "Argentine". The same word was on the signs posted on every wall of the station. Finally, I at least knew where I was. Perhaps there was hope for me.

After a few more seconds of scanning the map, I found the name of my destination, Marx Dormoy. Quickly and carefully, I planned my course of action, when to switch trains, at which station, and which way to go once I got on the next train. Within moments, I was departing the train at Franklin D. Roosevelt, my first stop. Finding my way around the station itself proved even more difficult than deciphering the map itself. I searched the signs for slightly familiar words, hoping to draw on my knowledge of the Spanish language, similar enough to French, to determine what the signs were telling me. Eventually, I found my way through the next three stops, finally arriving to meet my parents near Marx Dormoy, only five minutes late.

Before then, I would have thought of an "intellectual experience" as something that I could only have in school, however this is the only way I can define my day in Paris. Although the incident was far from pleasant at the time, I had to think critically and problem-solve to decipher the map, and was even able to draw on my foreign language experience to interpret the French signs. I hope to have the opportunity to further develop my knowledge and skills at Brown.

Undergraduate / Duke Engineering Essay- Why I want to study Biomedical Engineering at Duke [3]

The prompt is "If you are applying to the Pratt School of Engineering, please discuss why you want to study engineering and why you would like to study at Duke." Any suggestions are very appreciated.

I have always been interested in math and science, but my interest developed into a fascination last year in physics class. I loved being able to apply all of the laws and theories that we learned in class to real-world situations. I loved being able to figure out the distance an object traveled just by knowing the acceleration and speed, finding the vertical and horizontal components of a force, and solving for the coefficient of friction of a surface. I loved that every concept seemed to build on the one before it, and how they all helped me understand the world in a way I never had before. Whenever I think about my future, what I want to study, and how I want to make a living, I always think of engineering- a career that would allow me to develop this fascination with the way the world works and to apply my knowledge to a project that could help improve peoples' lives. After plenty of research, I decided that I want to study Biomedical Engineering at Duke. In addition to the fact that Duke has one of the strongest Biomedical Engineering programs in the country, I want to go into this field to develop technology that could help cure disease or improve the quality of life of those with serious medical conditions.

To me, one of the most appealing things about Duke is the ample opportunity to participate in research as an undergraduate. I would particularly like to work on research in biomechanics and tissue engineering, and hope to one day help to further develop and improve the artificial kidney. Both my father and my uncle have suffered kidney failure, and were unable to find an available donor within our family. During the five years that my father spent on dialysis, he underwent several surgeries, spent countless hours a week at doctor's appointments, and was sick and tired nearly all of the time. My goal in becoming a Biomedical Engineer is to develop technology that could save other families from having to suffer through what mine did.

Duke is the perfect university for me, not only because of the strength of the Biomedical Engineering program, or the fact that most undergraduates participate in independent studies or research, but because attending Duke would give me the opportunity to explore and develop my interests both within and outside of engineering. I love that Duke would allow me to double major in Biomedical Engineering and physics. I would also like the opportunity to study engineering abroad, in a city like Madrid or Quito, and put my four years of Spanish class to use. The strong study abroad program is another major reason why I hope to attend Duke University. Between the top-ranked Biomedical Engineering program, and the opportunities to study abroad and further my other interests, Duke is the best place for me to develop and grow as both an engineer and a person.

Undergraduate / "research devoted to improving human health" - Princeton - Bioengineering [2]

Any help, especially with wording, is appreciated. To me, it sounds a bit repetitive and generic, so I'd love if anyone could help with that. Thanks in advance!

I developed a serious interest in Engineering last year, in my physics class. I became fascinated by the possibility of applying scientific principles and theories to real world situations, especially to develop technology that could improve peoples' lives.

In order to develop my knowledge of the field of Engineering, I began to talk to adults I knew- mostly neighbors and friends of my parents- who were Engineers. I started to learn more about what they did every day as Engineers, and what kinds of career opportunities were available. I was especially interested in one neighbor's story of how his Engineering degree prepared him for medical school. In fact, one of my favorite things about the field of Engineering is that it is applicable to so many different fields.

I am drawn to Princeton's Engineering program in particular because of the large percentage of faculty engaged in research devoted to improving human health. Biological Engineering appeals to me primarily because of the opportunities to engage in this kind of research. The opportunity to participate in original research as an undergraduate at Princeton was a major factor in my decision to apply. My goal is to one day develop and improve the artificial kidney, to help people like my father, who spent years waiting for a transplant, live fuller and healthier lives. I decided to apply to Princeton primarily because of the renowned Engineering program and the dedicated professors who will help me achieve my goal.

I want to study Engineering at Princeton because of the ample opportunities I will have to turn my talent and into a successful career. A liberal education will give me the ability to develop and express the ideas that I will need to solve problems, essential for an aspiring Engineer. I am confident that Princeton is the best place for me to gain the skills and experience that will help me succeed, both in my future career and the rest of my life.

Undergraduate / "Sarah's musical ability" - Princeton Essay- Influential person [3]

The prompt of this essay is to write about an influential person. Any help is appreciated, but I especially need to know what, if anything, I can cut out, as I'm about 100 words over the limit. Also, I'd like to know if any wording is awkward, or if there's something else I could say to better convey my friend's influence on me. As an aspiring engineer, writing is not exactly my strong suit, so I'm grateful for any suggestions. Thank you in advance.

I stared blankly at the audition results on the bulletin board. The list of names gazed smugly back at me, a statement that everything I had worked for for three years had been a waste of time, that I would spend my final year of high school sitting in a band class full of freshmen, tediously tapping out quarter-note rhythms. I pictured my future suffering through hour-long sectionals, stewing in my own boredom while my classmates struggled to play through our middle-school music. I scanned the rest of the list, demanding to know who could possibly have beaten me. My disappointment was mitigated slightly when I saw Sarah's name in the first-chair slot.

I met Sarah on the first day of band-camp our freshman year. From the beginning, she was better than me. I listened enviously as Sarah flew effortlessly up and down a scale, gliding over high notes, delivering resonant low notes as if it were nothing. She inspired me. We were the same age we had been playing the flute for the same amount of time, and, as far as I knew, there was no logical reason why I should not sound like her. I began practicing for hours every night, painstakingly perfecting every fortissimo and meno mosso until anything I played sounded like Sarah. We worked together and, eventually, I was even able to help her improve. I never expected to beat her, but the pressure to be on the same level as my friend made me push myself harder than I ever had before. At the end of the year, I won the award for Most Improved Freshman.

My envy of Sarah's musical ability blinded me to the fact that her talent did not necessarily transfer to other areas. Her struggle with math mirrored my own with music. During our sophomore year, Geometry threatened to make her academically ineligible. She seemed to spend nearly all of her time fretting over just passing something that came easily to me. I resolved to do for her what she had always done for me, and worked out problems with her every day before rehearsal. Soon, Sarah had a solid B in Geometry, and I learned to value my own talents in school, instead of berating myself because I did not have the same natural abilities as others.

Following our sophomore year, I was promoted to Honors Band, whereas Sarah, after what must have been an uncharacteristically bad audition, was moved back down to the lower band. As excited as I was, I lost my motivation to improve, and refused to practice more than the bare minimum for the first several weeks of school. The guilt accumulated as I noticed Sarah staying late every day, working out every note of her music until it was letter-perfect. I felt a stab of remorse every time I heard her play, noting the difference between her music and mine, which was painfully cautious, labored, and weak in comparison. Before long, Sarah had motivated me to start working again. Once December arrived, I had an audition that I could be proud of.

Sarah inspired me to throw all of my effort into coming back from my own disappointing audition. I have since become first-chair in Symphonic Band, and started taking extra flute lessons to further improve. At the end of this month, I plan to prove that I deserve to be in Honors Band again with a flawless Region Band audition. Like Sarah, I refuse to let one setback ruin my passion for music.

Undergraduate / "Carly's course selection form" - Evaluate a significant experience, Common App Essay [3]

This is my common app essay. The prompt was "Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you". Any suggestions, especially for the conclusion, would be much appreciated.

It was almost the end of the school year in 5th grade. My class was turning in the course selection forms for sixth grade. Nearly everybody in my class was signing up for art or drama, some because of a genuine desire to be the next Meryl Streep or Picasso, some because they thought it would be a blow-off class. As a shy ten-year-old who could barely draw a stick-figure, I knew these options just would not do. My options for electives were limited, and I knew it.

Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of my best friend, Carly, making a last minute change on her form. It looked like she was switching her first choice from drama to something higher up on the list, but what? I just couldn't make it out before she folded up her sheet and tossed it nonchalantly onto the pile on Ms. Brown's desk. I shook my head, praying to some higher power that this decision would magically become easier for me in the next thirty seconds. In my panicking ten-year-old brain, whichever class I chose would have the power to make or break me for the rest of my life.

"Ten seconds! Ten seconds and I'm taking them up!" The voice of my teacher rang in my head, shrill and deafening, each word more devastating than the last. My heartbeat quickened as I realized that I would finally have to choose.

"Five... Four... Three..."
"Okay," I thought to myself. "What do I really want to do with the next year of my life?"
"Two..."
The unpleasant lurch in my stomach told me that the time for rational thinking and strategic decision-making was far behind me. What happened next dramatically changed the next seven years of my life. I decided to just go with whatever Carly had picked. At least I would have a friend in class with me.

"One..."
My eyes quickly scanned the seemingly miles-long list of electives, trying to remember what Carly had picked, but all I knew was that it was above drama on the list.

"Orchestra?" I guessed. "Probably not. Art?" It seemed like a possibility, but Carly had never really liked drawing, so I decided against it.

Band seemed to be the only choice that I hadn't ruled out. I hastily circled it on my paper, ran up to Ms. Brown's desk, and shoved it, probably with more force than necessary, into the pile of my classmates' forms, all before the teacher got to "Zero." I was actually quite relieved to have the decision out of my way.

The next few weeks were full of glorious, band- related excitement. I chose an instrument, began taking private lessons, and even drove up to the middle-school to meet the directors. I was so excited to start playing my flute, I didn't even mind that Carly had, in fact, chosen to take art.

Seven years later, I am still playing. Since my days in middle-school band, I have met dozens of fellow musicians who became some of my best friends. I have expanded my love of music by listening to genres I had never heard of before joining band. I have even learned to transfer my dedication to music into other parts of my life, making me a more diligent and focused student overall. Most importantly, though, I learned the importance of making my own decisions. I had gotten lucky that one time, but I realized that just going along with a friend would cause me to miss out on something that could be a great experience for me in the future. It's hard to imagine how different I would be today if I had only gotten a better look at Carly's course selection form.

Undergraduate / research, and/or extracurricular paths - UPenn Supplemental Essay [5]

This is my supplemental essay for the University of Pennsylvania. I know, it's not very good at the moment, but this is honestly the best I could come up with.

Thanks to everyone in advance!

Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn? (250 words)

I have known for two years, since I first sat down with my ten-pound Princeton Review 368 best colleges handbook, that I wanted to go to the University of Pennsylvania. Everything sounded perfect: the stellar academics, the universally brilliant but socially diverse student body, and its location in the middle of Philadelphia. I knew then that Penn was a school I would have to consider, but it wasn't until I visited campus last Spring Break that I knew just how perfect Penn's academic and extracurricular life would be for me.

I have always been interested in math and science, and plan to apply to the College of Arts and Sciences. The thing I remember most about my tour at the University was how the tour guide mentioned that he had been working in independent research since his freshman year. I would love to do research as an undergraduate, and would take full advantage of the ample independent research opportunities offered at the university.

Academics aside, the extracurricular life at Penn is what really sets it apart from other schools for me. I would of course have to join the Penn Band. I've spent hours in front of the computer "researching" Penn's band and laughing so obnoxiously that people would come into the room just to tell me to shut up. That is something that I would just have to be a part of at Penn.

Ever since my visit to Penn, I knew it would be a perfect fit. The research and extracurricular opportunities make it a place where I would love to spend four years.

Also, if anyone has time, I'd love if someone could critique my Common App short answer essay. I posted a 2nd draft that no one's read yet.

Undergraduate / the THS marching and concert band - Elaborate on an Extracurricular Activity [6]

"As a member of the THS marching and concert band, I have learned the importance of being a part of a team. Over the past four years, I have worked harder and put in more hours for band than anything I have done in the past. The hours that I have devoted to band have included rehearsals, competitions, volunteering for band events, fundraising, and organizing social events. I have personally enjoyed this work more than anything else I have done because of the sense of camaraderie that being involved in such a large group of hardworking people can provide. It was difficult sometimes, and we would get frustrated and upset when things were not going well, but only because we cared so much about what we did and wanted to improve. Looking back, I have used the discipline I learned in band to become a more focused and dedicated student."