Writing Feedback / Museums are the buildings that preserve objects of importance [7]




choose one, it's either very important or really important.


It's more than just people who want to explore the world.

Okay I love your ending, but your beginning and middle were iffy. When reading it, there wasn't a flow to it. I kept on reading and stopping and having to read it again case I was like "wahhht?"

When stating your reasons for why people should visit museums of that country, don't start off your paragraphs with "the first reason...second reason" the reader will get the clue. Just go right into talking about it.

You should also state how museums are not just for students and tourists, but for every walks of life. They bring the country together and brings a sense of pride to the citizens of that nation because it is a representation of how they came to be you know.

Just take a look again at what you wrote and try to make it flow because it's not cohesive. Other than that, great job :)

Undergraduate / "a challenging project at AAA Robotic Centre, BBB College" Elaborate the information [5]

lol no problemo :)

Undergraduate / "a challenging project at AAA Robotic Centre, BBB College" Elaborate the information [5]


had


needed


consisted


used


programs, however


made

This is actually pretty interesting to hear that you competed in this contest and won. I just think that you need to elaborate more and include more of how entering this competition was so worthwhile because of the experienced you gain. Talked about the chemistry you had working with your other team mates because a college loves the fact that you know how to work well with others. Other than that its cool :)

Letters / LETTER: Writing a letter to a bus company, informing them about a bag loss. [9]

you about a lost bag

This



Okay well there was a few grammatical errors, so I suggest you look over this again.

Also I am confused on how you would know the driver of the bus because I know that when I ride the bus, the bus driver doesn't even introduce himself to me, so that was kinda off for me. Maybe describing the bus driver instead would be better.

I also think that you should stress the importance of finding this bag because you might catch their attention. This letter is too generic and may be tossed aside. You should mention that you plan to take serious action such as mail them everyday, if they do not apply to your letter and stuff.

Undergraduate / Why; person of your dream; work experience; mission - Why Syracuse University. [5]

thanks guys!!!!!!!!!! this help is greatly appreciated :)

Undergraduate / Acceptance of a small town girl going to a university [5]

Yeah I think this is great actually. I really can't find anything wrong with it. I would add just a little bit more detail and change some of your wording a little bit so it would sound more mature. Other than that, great essay!!!!!!!!

Research Papers / Media and Activism ESSAY using a specific research methodology [4]

lol yeah i would use the historical approach too, but the Marxist analysis does sound cool. Glad I was able to help!!!!!!!!!

Writing Feedback / "yeah, i socialize with scum" (anarchic, autistic, messy ) [7]

I agree material possessions doesn't build character, but their value is priceless to the people that own them. How are the people that work slaves? I mean if my mom didn't work then I wouldn't eat, and if I didn't eat then I would die. We can't depend on the government to give us rations of food, and we can't depend on other people to come up with food to give us. In a way we need to work because nothing is free in this world. If people didn't work then how would you eat?! Life is not all about just working, I understand that you can enjoy the simple things in life. I don't look as myself as a slave to society, but as an individual. I get to decide what to do with my money, I don't have to be manipulated by fancy cars or jewelry I can do absolutely nothing with my money. People can work because they want to, and they work by doing something that makes them happy.

Nothing is ever pointless in life. There's is always a reason and a cause behind everything. My cause and yours may be not so different at all, but we just go about it a different way. Some people are just blind and can't see that materialistic things aren't everything, while others can handle it and can take charge of their life.

I think it's great that your happy being who you are, and that your an active member of society, but I just wished that you didn't give up on society.

Writing Feedback / "yeah, i socialize with scum" (anarchic, autistic, messy ) [7]

no don't stop ranting. This is actually really interesting because I've never talked to someone who ever had these views.
so did u lose everything? What started your addiction? I also think that not all bums appreciate life, some are out their taking advantage of the help their getting.

I'm trying to understand your reasoning for doing the things you did but I can't. Why care what the bureaucrats or society thinks. Why not live a life where your happy. I don't think your happy the way your living now.

Undergraduate / Acceptance of a small town girl going to a university [5]

Just a small town girl living in a lonely worlddd!!!!!!! lol okay now down to business. :)


so everyone knew each other.


Okay so in these sentences your stating all the traits that your classmates shared. I suggest saying along the lines of "on the outside looking in, you might think that were all the same, mirrors of each other because we all practice the same religion, but that's far fro, the truth"....or something like that. Then you should start listing those things because their the opposite of what you are.


So this sentence here is kind of abrupt. You really didn't build enough evidence to show how you learned acceptance. You should give an example of how the wealthy rich kids in your school act. Such as, are they unappreciative?? From there, then you should state how after years of dealing with them you learned accepting people for who they are.


I get the feeling that the only reason you want to go to Rutgers is because they have a lot of diversity. Just so you know, all universities offer this, so you need something more than just diversity and education. State how your experience fro attending private catholic schools taught you x, y and z and now you want to take the skills that you learned them and apply them to a culturally rich and diverse university where you can learn so much more etc.

....and BAM sugar and spice. Hope I gave you some ideas :)

Undergraduate / "How do you express your inner world" - Love for Music [4]

Thanks Kevin!!! Umm I was wondering if you can critique my essay for Syracuse University please cause I have a feeling that no one is going to do it since it's super long!!! It would really mean a lot!!!

Writing Feedback / Pre-nuptial agreements. Do you think everyone should have it? [4]


In their mind...of a successful marriage.


think


I think it's more than just a piece of paper because they ruin lives and as you said, they cause distrust in a relationship. So it has so much more leverage than just a piece of paper.


Once more...

Your essay was good, but I think towards the end you switched sides. I think that through your essay you need to stick on one side. Do you agree with pre-nuptial agreements or not. Overall it was great. You really know how to write and the selection of your words are great.

Research Papers / Media and Activism ESSAY using a specific research methodology [4]

Okay so this stuff is way over my head, but I'm going to try to help you. I researched and so media activism is activism that uses media and communication technologies for social movement. Alright you probably already knew this.

Historical Analysis:
Historical analysis is less a separate analytical framework or approach than it is an element that should be present in any analysis of popular culture. Observing and analyzing changes over time is essential to understanding why a contemporary text is the way it is. We cannot understand our present without understanding our past. And we cannot fully imagine change without a sense of how our culture has changed over time. Our ability to understand the improvements in and the limits of current media representations of African Americans, for example, is greatly enhanced by viewing two documentaries that detail the history of African American representations in the mass media, Ethnic Notions and Color Adjustment.

Marxist Analysis
Unlike many approaches to the mass media Marxism acknowledges the importance of explicit theory. Marxist 'critical theory' exposes the myth of 'value-free' social science. Marxist perspectives draw our attention to the issue of political and economic interests in the mass media and highlight social inequalities in media representations. Marxism helps to situate media texts within the larger social formation. Its focus on the nature of ideology helps us to deconstruct taken-for-granted values. Ideological analysis helps us to expose whose reality we are being offered in a media text.The term Marxian analysis strictly refers to the particular analysis made by Marx himself, like the critique of capitalism and its characteristic commodity fetishism, division of labour-production.

So im guessing that once you have your examples of "activism in action" like the dalai lama and what he did in india, or fidel castro rising to power then you break them down and analyze them through historical analysis like what was happening in history at that tome to influence them, nf marxist analysis which would be using Marx's views to evaluate the situation. I hope I kind of helped.

Undergraduate / "She was willing to actually speak out" - someone who has had an impact on you [5]

Yay abstractness!!!! This is really good, something like out of a story really. I really admire your writing and the way your describing the world through your bubble. It's awesome!! I think what your missing is examples on how she changed you, I know that she made you see the world in a different view and taught you that you can make a difference, but what did you do to live up to that? If you answered that then your essay would be through the roof lol. Good job.

Writing Feedback / "yeah, i socialize with scum" (anarchic, autistic, messy ) [7]

wow!!! is this really your life, or are you writing this for a book?
Well whatever this is, I think it's really good except for a lot of grammatical errors, but I don't know if you want me to point them out, so I'm not. Your writing really made me laugh in a lot of places, and whether it's real or not it made me feel bad for you and the people around you. I really don't see how you can be in misery when your living, I guess all your missing is happiness. This is good though, I love reading something that I can laugh too!!!!!

Research Papers / Survey on whether or not homosexual couples should be allowed to adopt children [9]

First off I'm going to start by saying this. I respect your opinion and views even if I dont believe in them.
All right let me get at u real quick ;)


First of all what is normal nowadays. Normal to you is what society has driven in us and told us since the day we landed on here. I believe that as people WE get to DECIDE on whats normal for us. NOT SOCIETY! Also, It is definitely discrimination if people tell you that you cannot do something because your x, y and z. DUH! that has nothing to do with common sense. Like honestly what world are you living in? We are both in no place to judge and say what people are and aren't allowed to do. Here in America we are allowed to do what we please in the privacy of our bedrooms.


Do you honestly hear yourself when your speaking? You should because you sound ridiculous. I wouldn't care who I was raised by whether it be both males, both females or a dog and a cat. As long as someone loves me, and provide me with a roof over my head then I'm good. It's not about "privilege" as you put it. Do you know how many children are abandoned and are in orphanages in the US alone? The numbers are overwhelming. What were doing is depriving children of a home becomes mom and dad are two gay guys. Honestly being raised in a homosexual house would not affect a child's psyche, its people on the outside that would affect them. People who don't understand and people who are quick to judge.


Here you go again with your narrow mindedness. This is not about what they do in their bedroom. Who cares? Do people make a big deal when your watching porn?? No! That is your business. Is parents yelling at each other and having arguments everyday a loving and healthy environment to raise a child in? Absolutely not, but they happen everyday and 4 out of 5 parents are going through with that. So this isn't even a topic that should matter. Oh my gosh two guys are having sex. Oh the horror!!!! Like who cares! get over it!

Look everybody reacts to things differently, but in most occasions, children born in a problematic family environment tend to learn through their mistakes, and not want to be like their parents.


So your saying that we also should not allow alcoholics, or people who drink alcohol to not adopt children cause the same thing goes for them to. Our children will grow to be alcoholics.


What's "unnatural" is what society has driven in to us. My point exactly, it doesn't matter if we are only 2% different from monkeys. The big picture here is that WE ARE DIFFERENT. Because I like to wear different colored socks, or dye my hair different colors, because I'm not fashion forward, and not like you so I guess I'm unnatural huh. This is what I'm talking about. It's people like you, that slows down the growth process of our country. Whose to say what's natural or not. Why not let them be, and not judge. Because I don't dress "normal" or don't pray to the same God, that doesn't mean I don't feel or think.


Are you out of your mind?!!! This makes no sense. Me being able to compliment a girl and look at her and comment on her breasts or whatever definitely shows how SECURE I am in my own skin and in my sexuality. I'm not manifesting anything, I'm just admiring the female body. A guy not allowing himself to be by gays or feminine males, jut shows how insecure he is in his own skin because he's scared that their going to turn him into one of them. Gosh, please think before you comment.


The world is different today. I mean, my dad was the one who bought me my first bra, and today he continues to buy me bra and underwear. Why? Because as his daughter, he sees that my mother never wanna do these things so he takes it upon himself to be a PARENT and do it for me. My dad is basically my mom. There is no definite role of what a man is supposed to do and what a woman is supposed to do. When your a parent, it doesn't matter what role you play, as long as your a PARENT!!! So what if a male talks to a female about menstruation. If he doesn't understand everything, what a good parent would do is find someone who does and explain it to her. I understand that to a 13 year old girl she would feel embarrassed, but her gay parents would definitely explain to her that there's nothing to be embarrassed about and that every single woman in the world goes through it, and she's not alone.

I'm just a regular girl who believes in same sex marriage, equal rights and opportunity for everyone, and protecting our environment. I don't have the answers for everything, but I do know that having a closed mind gets us nowhere. I took a sociology class in college and I learned that

gender is culturally constricted behaviors and ideas that we attach to males and females such as your a guy so you play with trucks, and your a girl so you play with a barbie. That does not make up who we are, so we shouldn't be just constrained to what society allows and wants to see us as.

Research Papers / Survey on whether or not homosexual couples should be allowed to adopt children [9]

Sex: Female
Orientation: Straight
Age Group: 13-19

1. I definitely DO NOT think that a couple's sexual orientation should be a deciding factor in whether or not they can adopt a child because someone's sexual orientation should not even matter. If people do use that as a factor then that's discrimination. I thought America was trying to be a better nation and strive to treat and see everyone as equals. Allowing to deny somebody's right to adopt is definitely taking a step backwards. Saying were not gonna let you adopt a child because your gay or lesbian is the same thing as saying you cant sit here cause your black, or you cant participate in sports cause your mentally challenged or disabled. I mean it's definitely not right. What should matter is whether or not their capable to provide the child with love and security. Just because your sexually orientation is different doesn't mean that you cannot love a child and provide for a child the same way a straight couple can. This matter should be based solely on are the couples capable of providing for this child not on sexual orientation. To me that's ridiculous.

2. Absolutely. There is no doubt in my mind that a homosexual couple should be given the right to adopt. Why are we scared of these people. I really don't understand it. Were treating them as if their a disease that will contaminate others. It's not fair. Were forgetting that behind their sexual orientation their people. Their not aliens or some disease that you can catch. If their not given this as a constitutional right then agencies will not allow them to adopt. People are biased and if there isn't a law that states that its part of their right then company's will not let them adopt a child. It's actually really sad that people can't accept them and that we have to go to extreme measures of turning this into a law.

3. Oh my gosh. I just go crazy when I hear ignorant people saying this. Okay I know that we really don't understand how someone can like the same sex or even when did they realize that they liked the same sex, but I do believe that just because your hanging around homosexuals that doesn't mean you will turn gay and the same concept goes for when a homosexual couple adopts a child. Homosexuality is NOT a disease. This is not something that you can catch. I really can't explain it, but look at it this way. There are straight couples who have children that are homosexuals. So I think it's absurd that people are thinking that a child will automatically become gay. I mean, we really don't know who we are. We go through experiences that shape who we are today and through that we get an understanding on what we like. I really don't know if your born being homosexual or if its through experiences that you become gay, or maybe its a combination of both. Either way we can never tell what a child will be when he/she grows up. We don't know if our kids will grow to become serial killers. You don't know what people are capable of, and what they will be. All you can do is provide a child a loving and healthy environment to live in.

4. No I do not. I think that because homosexuals are faced with so many discrimination and violence towards them, they have a more loving and caring personality. They understand what a person goes through when their not accepted and bullied. So I think it's actually the opposite. There is a less likelihood of physical and sexual abuse of children in adoptive homosexual families. In my eyes, growing up in a homosexual family, there is more openness and a more creative expression from children. They are not restrained and told not to ask questions. Most abuse come in families where the children are constrained and the adults put fear in them so they don't disobey and through that children get rebellious, and so the abuse starts. This is just my opinion.

5. First I have to say that my parents are extremely religious and absolutely hate the idea of a homosexual couple. Through their narrow minded thinking (sorry mom and dad) and my experiences that I've been through I learned to accept people and not judge. I'm an open person and I'm not afraid to say hey I think that girl is cute or wow she has big boobs. I guess I'm in tune with my sexuality and confident in myself. Just because I think a girl is cute doesn't mean I am a lesbian. I'm just the type of person who would never judge. I don't care about your skin color or sexual orientation. As long as your not rude or mean to others then I'm cool with you.

Undergraduate / Concept of Global Network University - NYU SUPPLEMENT [5]

My first thought: "This is it?!"
Okay it is definitely a little short, but maybe less is more. Your "essay" is extremely powerful. You really know how to speak and express your opinions.

I only have a few things to say.


When you said "the unfamiliar is normal," the way you just plugged it into the sentence like that really doesnt flow with the sentence. I suggest rewording it maybe like saying "the unfamiliar is normal at New York University" or something.


Other than a few corrections, this is really good. It's strong but to the point.

Undergraduate / Why; person of your dream; work experience; mission - Why Syracuse University. [5]

This is the rest of the questions. I am sorry this is long, but I thank you guys for reading and critiquing!!!

3. If you have had work experience, what skills and/or knowledge did you gain?
When I turned 16 and realized that I can start working, I was overjoyed with the thought of finally becoming independent and making money that I can do with as I please. Unfortunately my plans have not gone the way that I've wanted and I have never been accepted a job offer anywhere even though for the past 4 years I've probably applied to over 100 locations. The thought is a little disappointing, but instead of having a paid work experience, I gained skills through community service which I believe is more rewarding than having any hourly paid job. Over summer break and also after school, I have been volunteering at my local Boys and Girls Club helping teens my age and younger engage in character development experience and activities that is not available to them. I started as a member but then grew to become part of the team. I was first assigned at the front desk answering phones and giving tours to new members, and that then developed to helping the kids in programs such as culinary and woodworking shop. Whenever we worked on a new activity such as building a treasure box, or making cookies it was such an enjoyment on my part to see the smiles and happiness that came across their faces when they learned they were partaking in something they've never done before.

The Boys and Girls Club to me symbolizes hope and opportunity to the many children that they service. While volunteering there I learned how to be a team player and interact with the other employees to finish our goal which is always to provide a safe and learning environment for the members. I also learned to become a more responsible person since I was put in charge of the calendar and updating it every month with activities. The most important skills I learned from volunteering at the Boys and Girls Club is becoming a better leader, and learning how to speak in front of people with confidence. Sometimes during the day I am in charge of a group of kids and to keep them in order I had to learn how to speak with confidence and lead them through activities. I am extremely grateful for learning these skills because they are very important in my path to success in college.

4. Our mission of Scholarship in Action, education for the world in the world, extends beyond the classroom to include engagement opportunities with our campus community, the City of Syracuse, and locations across the globe. Based on your interests, tell us what real-world experiences you might pursue during your education at Syracuse as part of this mission.

The timeless quote "Our children are our future," has been repeated by many influential people and it is something that I believe in. What interests me and drives me as a person is helping children and teens and securing their future. I am one hundred percent committed to them and helping those who face adversity, poverty, hunger, disease and a lack of many valuable resources such as clean water and an education. As a student at Syracuse, I plan to continue pursuing my interests in helping kids by volunteering in Say Yes to Education where I can help students who live low economic backgrounds gain a better education, and also in Partnership for a Better Education. By volunteering in Say Yes and PBE, I hope to gain knowledge and ideas that I can take with me to third world countries and reform the school system there and make sure that every child receives an education.

In my mission to rebuild communities and provide equal opportunity for children to gain an education, I also plan to participate in Syracuse Center of Excellence in Environmental and Energy Systems where I can partake in projects that focus on improving living environments and human health in underprivileged communities. I prefer to learn through experience, and hands on activities than just textbooks alone. Attending Syracuse University will provide me with the resources and education needed to pursue my interest in educating children and opening up a pathway for them to have a brighter future.

Undergraduate / "How do you express your inner world" - Love for Music [4]

It's always great when someone says please and thank you!


I don't understand this. I don't know if I'm a slow person or what, but I actually had to read this paragraph over like 3 times to finally understand it. I think you should arrange them like this, or I hope my example can give you some sort of idea: after your first sentence, you say that your mother doesn't understand that your outburst of singing and acting all spontaneous was entirely her fault, and then you continue on with the rest of what you were saying.


The word grew is redundant. Try to find a different replacement.


I don't think you should start a sentence with but, that's a no no in the book of grammar. I'm kidding about the flying part, but you should insert some nice phrase that describes how strong and powerful you felt when singing up there since it took all your fears away.


Things need to stop taking over you, you sound possessed lol jk, but I do suggest better word choice and what do you mean by my pride's desire. I don't know if it's just me, but this does not make sense.


It should be in positive ways.


It should be a period.


I don't like that ending at all. It seems out of place, and abrupt. Maybe you should say that you wouldn't have been able to develop this great singing ability of yours without your mother, and she's your greatest encouragement.

I'm totally sorry that this is so long, but honestly when I'm critiquing I just say whatever comes to mind. Hopefully I was helpful!

Writing Feedback / "About the experience of shopping for a new car" - Reasons to buy a Toyota Corolla [4]

Auds at your service!


Your right, shopping for a new car can me difficult, but for me our beginning sentences didn't cut it for me. It is just too bland. Where's the imagery and excitement? Okay everyone knows about reliability, and gas mileage, but what about the great technology. I think that if you do some more extensive research on the Toyota corolla such as the performance and awards then there would be more to this essay. I think you should insert an anecdote on how difficult shopping for a new car can be, for example: from experience, my the way my dad shops for a new car is just horrible, but it does pay off in the end. He goes to ever dealership and (I mean at least 5) then he compares prices and all this other whoolabahoo.


I have to say that the biggest and most important quality of a Toyota corolla is it's reliability, but in this paragraph you did not prove it to me as a reader.


You used the word value too close together. It is kind of redundant. My only problem with the third paragraph is that you relied on that paragraph alone to insert all of these numbers and it's too much for 1 paragraph. I felt like I was reading a list.

All in all this essay was good but not WOW or AMAZING. You told me what I wanted to hear but, I feel like there wasn't any effort. My advice to you is to do more research on the awesomeness of this car, and check out customer reviews (the good ones).

I hope I helped!

Poetry / My assessment entitled five senses poem (tastes/sounds/smells/looks/makes) [6]

lol thanks Kevin, I tried!!

Undergraduate / "Business, calculus, chemistry, .." the subjects in which you excel or have excelled. [8]


This should be growing up.

Honestly this essay is really good, but I also agree with Kevin on this one, you need to talk about the concepts within those subjects like you did with the previous essay. This essay is great, but if you combine the details of your previous one with the excellent word choice and imagery that you used on this essay, then it would be amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Undergraduate / "Business, calculus, chemistry, .." the subjects in which you excel or have excelled. [8]


There needs to be an I between that and have.


Okay for these sentences, I crossed them out because they sounded weird in that sentence. I suggest you putting them like this: "In my Business and Computer Technology class I impressed many of my peers in the class and motivational speakers who came to visit us through such marvelous keyboarding skills (140 gross words per minute) and excellent communication skills that I gained at a young age. Then I suggest you start a new sentence. Something like this:Through my talent of __________, it gave me a bit of spotlight and encouraged me to become a member of the Future Business Leaders of America.

I think that sounds much more coherent.


I don't think you should include this sentence because it came out of nowhere, and doesn't really tie in to what your talking about.


That sentence should be revised because in the rules of grammar, you are not allowed to start a sentence with the word "BUT". You should change it to something like this: My success in my Business and Computer Technology class was due to my strong will, and that carried me through another difficult class known as Honors Pre-Calculus.

My natural ability is a factor I have obtained at a young age

This sentence is unfinished. What natural ability are you talking about? You should say something like this: My natural ability to absorb things/subjects/information easily is a factor I obtained at a young age.

"I apply these factors everyday in my life and I plan on using them the rest of my senior year and throughout college." You should continue on saying that this is gonna continue throughout your life also, cause it seems like after college your not gonna use those factors again.

I think you did a great job at revising your essay, it is totally much better than your first one. I am just nervous that your talking about too many subjects. You only went into thorough detail for like the first 2. The next subjects you only said a couple things. So think about lifting up the weight on this essay. Remember that less is more. I hope I was helpful to you again :)

Undergraduate / "To avoid becoming a sheep" - Common App Essay - Second try [4]


I suggest just saying single mindedness because saying the word people a lot gets redundant.


I think you should eliminate that sentence that I crossed out because we get the point. You Love Reading!


How did reading benefit you and aid you during your life? Also I don't think your allowed to start a sentence with the word "But." I suggest you put a comma and join it into the previous sentence.

In the 4th paragraph, you used the word "several" a lot. I suggest changing it.


I don't like that sentence at all. First of all you should not be speaking to the readers and telling them that this is what you are and this is what you are not. They are supposed to gather your personality from the way you right.

This essay is good, but honestly I do not see the significant experience that you faced. All you did was talk about how you liked to read and how reading shaped you and gave you knowledge. You went about writing this the wrong way. You mentioned that your learning English, I think that should be your primary topic, and through that you talk about how its been such a huge obstacle learning English, but when you discovered books, it changed your life. This is just my opinion and what I gathered from your essay. I hope I was of help :)

Undergraduate / "Determined with my mother + career choice" - Why UCF and family history influence. [4]

I really loved this, especially the one about your mom. It definitely shows how important education is. I honestly can't find one bad thing to say, everything is great. Good luck!!!! I'm applying to UCF too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poetry / My assessment entitled five senses poem (tastes/sounds/smells/looks/makes) [6]

lol, aren't you supposed to have already done this urself and we would critique it?! but I will take a crack at it, but im warning you, it may not be very good.

Line1: I can paint a picture with my words is white (i chose white because that would be my canvas color) idk maybe it doesnt make sense.

Line2: It tastes like the different flavors of Skittles
Line3: It sounds like Billie Holiday singing to me on a rainy afternoon
Line4: It smells like freshly brewed coffee on a Sunday morning
Line5: It looks like it's everything I want it to be
Line6: It makes me feel invincible

This was actually really hard to do. I just wrote down the things that I liked. Hopefully this helps spark a eureka moment :)

Undergraduate / "Business, calculus, chemistry, .." the subjects in which you excel or have excelled. [8]

The first two sentences of your essay confused me. It was a bit wordy when I was reading it out loud and all over the place. I suggest you rewrite your beginning with maybe a quote...or is that to cliche? but you definitely should change it.


When you say had, does that mean their not there for you anymore? Are they dead???


You should definitely replace that word because it sounds middle schoolish like your talking to one of your friends.


Wow. ummm, I definitely think you should reword this. When I read this sentence I sensed arrogance. I feel as though your saying that your better than everyone else. Just because your bright doesn't mean you deserve anything. It's about hard work. I'm sure you didn't mean to come off this way, but you should talk about how hard you worked with the support of your family which in turn caused your town to know about you because of the things you did and or accomplished.


Wow. Okay, first of all when you talk about your business class, first say how your peers where impressed by you with your skills, and that's where you insert your typing skills and communication skills. I also think you should insert how you were able to help your peers with these skills. Also, I would have loved to hear more about your Leaders of America thing and what you did/learned in it based on your business class that you excelled at. Saying words such as nobodies, or catty girls, sounds very immature. Instead say how you faced hardships with some of your peers who wanted to bring you down by bullying, etc. and then you say how you overcame them.


I'm sorry to say this, but this essay isn't all about you. This essay needs to be focused on the subjects you excel at, and attributes that helped you gain success in them. This does not include say how mysterious, or pretty, or tall you are. Stay on the subject, don't get sidetracked.

Your essay needs total reconstruction. I advise maturing the way you talk. You had really great writing moments such as when say that my gosh you have a weakness! I don't think you should say what grade you had in there, but instead say how it wasn't your best. This essay needs organization. Because your family has such a huge impact on you, you should save the best for last. Gosh, theres like too many things. I hope I helped. Remember constructive criticism :)

Graduate / "theoretical knowledge into practice" - Statement for Chemical Engineering ( Ph.D.) [4]


I think it should be smiles...im not sure.


This should be gained.


I think this should be to mankind.


The basic concepts of what? Also, what kind of fundamentals did u learn?


This is an extremely long sentence. I suggest you break them up, or insert a comma somewhere.

This is an extremely well written essay with a few errors here and there, so take a few days off and look at it again with fresh eyes to see these mistakes. This paper definitely showed how dedicated and interested you are in this field. Awesome work dude!!

Undergraduate / UC Essay #2 "Finding my purpose of life" (Be strict with critiques) [4]

After reading your beautifully written essay I honestly can't really find anything concrete to say on a critical scale. This essay is really good, but I honestly got kind of confused, well maybe not confused more like bombarded with so many different ages and timeline of those ages. For me personally it was too much. You start at the age of 14, then you talk about junior high, then you go back to the age of 5. I think you should put them properly in order. Also the second paragraph is great, but me as a reader, I want to know the details. What did u specifically do at HBOY that changed your views so much and helped shape who you are?

Undergraduate / "interacting with western teachers" - Chinese and American education system [3]


You should change that to "and I became more nervous"

Umm this was a good essay but id didn't wow me. I think with each example like how you stood up in class to answer a question you should input why. In other words like how in China how did you have to answer questions there. I think you need to add your culture more. Don't stray away from it because it is key to this essay. I also know that there are some errors in the transitions and when you use commas and the word "I." For this you definitely need to go to an English teacher to help you since i am only in high school and know nothing of this.

Overall great essay and I love the little anecdotal story between you and Phil. It brought everything together. Also your ending needs to be stronger.


Who is we in these sentences??
lol My English teacher did that to my essay ^.^ but it really helped. You either need to clarify on this or rewrite the sentence.

Scholarship / "to be remember by many people" - Leadership Scholarship Essay [3]

Okay first of all, your beginning does not mesh well and when you say alive what do you mean by that. Do you mean ideas?? I think you should reword that sentence. Also your beginning is kind of boring and unoriginal and typical, but maybe that's what you want. I don't know that's just my opinion. When you listed those famous people you just listed what they did, I think you should also list the qualities they had that allowed them to do what they did. Example would be how Martin Luther King was a pacifists and courageous...u did it for him but u should do it for everyone else. Also you are naming big people that everyone knows about. To make you stand out you should name someone that most people don't think of when you think of the word leader. Try changing it up and name someone that people wouldn't think of as a leader.

Also you use the word leadership way too much.
You also didn't answer the essay question. You rambled on about other people but u didn't specifically go into what the important qualities are to be a leader in society today. You just focused on being remembered that's not really a quality.

Undergraduate / "Turkey, my home" - the environment you were raised. TUFTS SHORT ANSWER [3]

I am actually really confused. Is this how the paper is supposed to be written?? The beginning for me was just like full of questions, actually the entire thing was. Umm, I think that your imagery of the world or Earth in the beginning should have been more. Like for me everything is just blurry.

Undergraduate / "Sticks and Stones" - Common Application Essay for New York University. [7]

omg thank you sooooo much!!! I really appreciate it!!! gosh you are such a life saver. I was actually thinking about replacing the beginning with the sticks and stones idiom. Do you think that's a good idea?

Undergraduate / "Sticks and Stones" - Common Application Essay for New York University. [7]

You really think so? I thought my beginning was powerful. The thing is, my middle paragraphs include my anecdote, so I need a little bit more clarification on what your saying, cause I really wanna wow my readers :)

Undergraduate / Why it is Important to Practice before a Presentation (Personal Persuasive Narrative) [3]

In the beginning your rushing into things. Also I think you need to choose better word choices such as in the first sentence when you said a bunch of people. What is a bunch? Also I don't like it when you said "Let me tell you". for some reason, to me it sounds a little like a door salesman. I really don't like the way you started the beginning. In this case it shouldn't be in the form of a question. In my opinion it should state things like this: Presenting an idea, topic, or an informative presentation to a (room full of people, an abundant amount of people..etc) is extremely intimidating and can seem scary to someone who isn't confident and shy. The only way to save yourself from embarrassment is to know the material and the only way you can do that is through practicing. I have personally experienced the embarrassment of not practicing and the experiencing is something that I would recommend to anybody.

This is just something that I think would sound great, but not word for word of course cause I just thought of it in like 2 seconds.

Overall the essay was ok, but I think you can do much better.

Undergraduate / "Warrior Nation" - UIUC Extra curricular essay [3]

You should put somewhere that pink is more than a color and represents....
Also instead of saying the night of, you should say On the night of. Overall this was great, just a few minor changes here and there. I loved the ending. It brought everything together.

Undergraduate / "What I Don't Know" Brown University Supplement [3]

This is really great, I love it!! The beginning is awesome. When you said "I believe curiosity is the most important thing in education because it causes us to be fascinated about what we learn and discover.", you should insert an example and show how that caused you to be fascinated about something that your extremely passionate about today.