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Posts by ailibai
Joined: Dec 23, 2010
Last Post: Dec 30, 2010
Threads: 8
Posts: 21  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 29
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ailibai   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Advising Louis XIV - Claremont McKenna Supplement [4]

Leadership is a constant theme and emphasis at CMC. In fact, one of the ways we describe CMC students is "Leaders in the Making." Choose someone, fictional or nonfictional, historical or contemporary, whom you consider to be a leader. Suppose you are this person's primary advisor. How would you advise this person and why?

Some would argue that being a king automatically makes a person a leader. I would agree, but a true leader must merit the title. The Sun King, Louis XIV of France, inherited the most powerful country in Europe at the time; throughout his reign of 72 years, he maintained this power. Because of his leadership, the 17th century is labeled "the Age of Louis XIV." Louis XIV's primary advisor, Cardinal Mazarin, died in 1661. Now it is my turn to take that place.

It is important to distinguish between the types of leadership required by different situations. The type of leadership required from a 17th century king is much different from that of a modern pre-school teacher. A pre-school teacher should be kind, patient, and forgiving. A king of France needs a different set of traits to be an effective leader. Louis XIV, now 23, has the essential qualities of a king of the era. He is well-spoken, intelligent, and authoritative. Communication is one of the most important parts of leadership. I tell Louis not only to correspond with his advisors, but also with his subjects. He is confident, but perhaps too much so. I advise him to control his vanity, for thinking too highly of himself does not impress his subjects. This is true of any leader; the focus should be on the group, not on oneself. Louis knows his role as king; he commands everything to go through him. He runs his kingdom strictly; he is an absolute monarch in the true sense of the term. This control is necessary in 17th century France.

Louis XIV has a daunting task ahead of him: uniting France under a centralized government. France is divided into an incomprehensible system of individual authorities, each with different laws. I advise Louis to reach out to these rogue powers. Unity strengthens leadership, and the more support he has, the more successful he will be. Louis is a strong king, but he acts alone. Although a leader is one person, their strength comes from their followers. It is important for a leader to realize this, so I advise Louis to accept the help of his ministers. Louis takes his ministers from new aristocratic families instead of high nobility, as is tradition. I see his strategy for keeping the monarchy strong, but I warn him not to alienate the nobility. A good leader should strive to incorporate all that want to be included.

A component of leadership is passing it on, teaching others to lead effectively. Louis XIV is a busy man, but I urge him to take the time to prepare the future kings of France to take his place. He must pave the way for those who will follow him. As history shows, Louis XV was no Sun King. Louis XIV should prepare his heir for the immense responsibility he will take on.

Louis XIV's greatest fault is his tendency to start wars, even the ones he cannot win. He does this to attempt to gain territory and maintain an image of power, but I would advise him to dispense only the resources necessary to keep France safe. A leader needs to know how to handle the resources that are given to him. In Louis XIV's case, he needs to control the country's finances. I urge him to let an expert in the economic field help him, for even the greatest leader cannot act alone all the time. The royal treasury depletes with the cost of war. Near the end of his long and generally successful reign, the French people are upset at the amount of royal debt. I advise Louis to refrain from commissioning works to glorify himself, using the money for causes that directly benefit France.

An unwilling person never makes a good leader. Louis XIV finds his royal duties "grand, noble, and delightful." He is willing to give up aspects of his personal life in order to be a strong ruler. His royal routine leaves precious little time for himself. The best leaders are those who truly care about their obligations and responsibilities. Louis is committed to France. He takes his position as king seriously, and he never doubts his right to it.

This prompt was really difficult for me! Give me the brutal truth.
I did the present tense so it would be more like I was his advisor, like the prompt says.
ailibai   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / DOUBLE MAJOR ART AND BUSINESS--U of M [3]

And believe me, I know that U of M is the right college.
I would take that part out; it seems too informal?

a marriage of the two would fit me like a Michigan-made glove.

I really like this! It shows that you know exactly why you want Michigan, and that you've done your research. It shows who you are, too. Good job!
ailibai   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / A Responsibility to Humanity - Amherst Supplement [4]

"It seems to me incumbent upon this and other schools' graduates to recognize their responsibility to the public interest... unless the graduates of this college... are willing to put back into our society those talents, the broad sympathy, the understanding, the compassion... then obviously the presuppositions upon which our democracy are based are bound to be fallible."

John F. Kennedy, at the ground breaking for the Amherst College Frost Library, October 26, 1963

In less than 300 words, respond to the quote in a personal way (not just an argumentative essay).

Intellect means nothing if there is no humanity attached to it. People can learn and learn, but without the desire to share it, the knowledge goes to waste. As members of society, people have a responsibility to humanity. I want my education to be worth something to me and to the world. My love for foreign languages drives me to learn them, but I find motivation in another source. Speaking another language is a way for me to share culture, information, and thoughts with more people. I think that what society needs most of all is understanding. Such drastic cultural differences exist today, even though the world is smaller than ever. With the connections that come from shared language come compassion and acceptance.

To me, contributing to society does not have to mean giving up one's personal life to join the Peace Corps or create a charity. Simple acts of compassion and empathy can go further than people realize. The uniqueness of the human race gives everyone something important to offer. Whether it is writing bestsellers or playing guitar, building a particle accelerator or teaching kindergarten, every contribution counts. The only factor that matters is the amount of heart put into it. I put myself into everything I do; I want what I do to matter. Not only does it improve society, it gives me the satisfaction that I am helping the world, even if it is on a minuscule scale. The real way to obtain the knowledge and success that people strive for is to share what they have with others.

I think my first paragraph is stronger. I don't know what I think about the second...help!
Thank you!
ailibai   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Since I started my Astronomy class" Princeton --What makes it beautiful is invisible [8]

Thank you for your suggestions! I can't really figure out how to rework the beginning, though...Can you think of any alternatives?
I guess the words in parentheses were my attempt to insert more personality. I know they aren't necessary, I just thought they gave it a more personal touch? Let me know why you think I should take them out.

I did take out the last sentence; I like it better without.

And it is a fantastic book. :)
ailibai   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Education of Women in Afghanistan-Common App Essay-Help with length/flow [13]

There's really nothing I can be brutal about; this is beautiful. It made me cry. A lot.
I thought maybe in the final sentences, in addition to saying what the country needs to do, sum up what you want to do, or what this issue has inspired you to do.

I have to give kudos on this. It's brilliant.
ailibai   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Engineering a Pokémon team" - Yale Supplement [9]

As we learned calculus, built computers, and exhausted our bodies through sports, we forgo t those small trinkets our lives formerly revolved around.

The new damage formulas are available for a reason. Explain a little for those (like me) who aren't as cool as you and don't know what this is.

Before I release the team, it mustI run it through a battery of tests.

This made me smile. :) It's such a unique approach; it's engaging and shows your thought process.
I don't know the prompt or anything about engineering, but I loved the essay.
ailibai   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Short answer (violin) / gap year explanation [5]

I am an Asian girl...My inability to be a musical genius disappointed me in my childhoodas a child

...offered the challenges that developed me to behelped me become an advanced violinist

Stretching their hindlimb muscles in crouching positions allows them to generate the mechanical energy that propels them into the air.

Metaphorically, a gap year is the frogs' hindlimb muscles.becauseI t prepares a student to start a new journey with maturity and confidence, which ultimately leads to a success in college. Before I start my next ten years of education beyond high school, I want to take this time to step back and reflect on my values.

Without taking a year off, I would have been one of them, molding myself into the society's image of success. TheR eal success is achievable only when I fully understand myself. From my experience, I recognized the value of my culture after exposing myself in another culture.I had to expose myself to another culture before I recognized the value of my own. Similarly, I will be able to define my values afterby interacting with people with different backgrounds and perspectives. I plan to travel around the world in my gap year, and I hope to gain life experiences that wouldwill enrich my perspective on personal values, thus preparing myself for a life-altering challenge-- surviving in a college.

Well done! I really see where you are coming from.
ailibai   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Summers of Growing Up and Recovery" - Princeton [4]

I've been trying to get this one right. I'm mainly concerned about the last paragraph? Honest criticisms, please! Thank you!

The summer of 2009 was my summer of growing up. In July, I went on a three-week exchange trip to France. Without hesitation, I say that this was the best time of my life. Before my first international excursion, I was far from independent. This trip was the first time I had gone anywhere without my parents. I stood in the security line at the airport, waiting for the long line to advance as I tried to relax. I was more nervous about getting lost in the airport than I was about crossing the Atlantic. Despite my worries, I arrived without complications in the tiny, beautiful town of Saint-Benoît la Chipotte. Amongst the whitewashed houses, distant pastures of sheep, and perfect gardens, I gained a new sense of self-assurance.

I didn't notice the change at first, but my anxiety and introversion quickly melted away. I was in a different place, meeting different people, and speaking a different language. This required a different me. One night, my host sister and I went to a birthday party with some of her friends. I could hear the techno music blaring inside as we walked up to the building. Any of my friends back in the States could have testified to my hatred of dancing. For the first time, I wasn't timid and scared of embarrassing myself with my less-than-perfect moves. I danced, and not once was I self-conscious. I carried my new perspective back to the United States, this time walking with confidence through the airport.

This last summer was my summer of recovery. In early January, I developed a headache. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but the pain quickly escalated until I could not function at school. I spent the second semester homebound. During the summer, my goal was, of course, to get rid of my headache. I still had a massive amount of homework to do, but I was determined to finish my junior year. I had two conflicting priorities: homework or health? I wasted time trying to work when I was unable to focus. Following my mom's advice, I stopped straining myself and took time to relax. Instead of forcing myself to think, I went for short walks, slept, or listened to quiet music-anything that would ease my tension and pain. I came back to my work with renewed spirits and focus, and I finished everything before the end of the summer. I found that stepping away is sometimes as important as pushing ahead.
ailibai   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Stanford a Good place for you: its in the people, the mission, the place [3]

What sets Stanford apart is not only its ability to provide an education which centers on innovation and creativity, but also to foster a community of spirited individuals focused on making an impact in the world.

Having the opportunity to debate political issues and explore the ethics of investigative reporting with some of the country's most inquisitive and ambitious individuals this summer, the quality of one's education is greatly enhanced when surrounded by similarly driven individuals.

This sentence is really long, and I don't quite understand. I'm assuming you went to a summer program about reporting? Break it up and clarify!

I won't deny that growing up pushing cars out of snow banks and trekking to school in negative degree weather, I'll bemakes me eager to take advantage of every bike excursion, jaunt to the Ditch, and occasional weekend in the city. GrowingI grew up influenced by my mother's family'snecessary? agricultural background, and I'll bring my spirit of hospitality and hard work to the Farm.

Great use of the Stanford "lingo." It shows that you have taken the time to know the school.
Good job and good luck!
ailibai   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "I can't, I'm Mormon" - extracurricular activities [6]

I'm not sure about changing "read" to "reads." The first verb is in the past tense, so I think it would make sense to keep the tense consistent. Also, if you read it out loud, an R-rated movie sounds much better. I may be wrong on both of these things, it's just what I think sounds right? Make sure you capitalize the "r" in "R-rated."
ailibai   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Perseverance and Overweight" - MIT personality essay [6]

"My legs were numbed and heavy. With every step I take, the strong impact of my foot against the concrete vibrates my bone. My brain was empty of all thoughts. I can't stop here now. These calories must go."

Your verb tenses switch from past to present and back again. Make them all one tense; I'm partial to present tense for this.
ailibai   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Since I started my Astronomy class" Princeton --What makes it beautiful is invisible [8]

Ehhh, I'm really not sure how I feel about this. I think it's rambly and repetitive, and I don't know if it says enough about me. Please help me on this one!

The prompt:Using a favorite quotation from an essay or book you have read in the last three years as a starting point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world. Please write the quotation at the beginning of your essay.

My quote:"'Yes', I said to the little prince, 'whether it's a house or the stars or the desert, what makes them beautiful is invisible!'"

-Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (The Little Prince)

Since I started my Astronomy class this year, I haven't looked at the world the same way. Space and the universe have always held a certain attraction for me, but this class has vastly increased my fascination. Every day in class, I sit in the front row of the classroom, failing to conceal my sheer awe. How can I not be awestruck in learning that the light we see from the sun was produced in its center 100,000 years ago or that in a black hole the mass of a star 20 times bigger than the sun can compress itself into an area smaller than the nucleus of an atom? The universe constantly reminds me to appreciate the hidden beauty in life.

What I have learned about the physical makeup of the universe has led to more complex existential ponderings. I recently picked up Physics of the Impossible by Michio Kaku (mainly because it had the words "time travel" and "teleportation" on the cover, as well as a picture of the TARDIS). In the chapter on parallel universes, Kaku discusses the amazing suitability of our universe for supporting life. The fact that we even exist seems impossible when looking at all the factors that go into forming a universe. If gravity were increased, the universe would crush in on itself; if gravity were decreased, the universe would disintegrate. A bit less nuclear force, and the stars would never ignite. However, the universe does exist, the earth did form, and humans did evolve far enough to marvel at the universe that birthed them. Thinking about the origins of humankind has made me realize the beauty of all that people have themselves created. The improbability of existence makes everything that much more remarkable.

Everything I see around me-my cat, my cup of tea, my hand-is all made of the same basic building blocks. All the atoms in the world began as hydrogen and "evolved" through nuclear fusion in the heart of stars. I love the unity it brings to life; everything is connected. For me, this only reinforces the profound beauty that I see in the universe. My new perspective on "life, the universe, and everything" gives me reassurance. Society has infinite problems, but scientifically, our universe is almost impossibly perfect. There are so many terrible things in the world, but because of the invisible forces that make it exist, it is beautiful. It is important to me to never lose this fascination with everything and the beauty I see in it. With all I have learned, that is the only thing I know for certain is impossible.
ailibai   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / UVA- What is your favorite word and why- Coherence [16]

I really like your approach to this. I don't know about the word requirement, but I don't think you need to add too much more to make it a complete and coherent thought. (See what I did there?)

"Constantly striving to incorporate order and simplicity into my life I make lists frequently, detailing the things I need to do and scheduling how to accomplish them in the most efficient manner."

This sentence is awkward; maybe break it up?

Maybe you could add something about how the idea of coherence influences your world view in addition to your personal life?
ailibai   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / The subway in Paris- Brown Supplement [5]

This is very well written, but I don't know if it reveals enough about you. I don't understand how this experience has influenced you; if you can make that clear, then I think it will be successful.
ailibai   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "rigorous academics and opportunities" - Why Stanford? [7]

Does it work if I change it like this?

The first answer is always the same: "I'm hoping for Stanford." When they ask why, I talk about Stanford's reputation for rigorous academics, the countless opportunities offered to students, or the proximity to larger urban locales.
ailibai   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "rigorous academics and opportunities" - Why Stanford? [7]

Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you.

Every time I see my extended family, I'm bombarded with questions about college. "Where are you going? What are you going to study?" The first answer is always the same: "I'm hoping for Stanford." The following "why" is not as easy to answer. I talk about Stanford's reputation for rigorous academics, the countless opportunities offered to students, or the proximity to larger urban locales. Invariably, I mention the warm weather, which helps my nerve disorder (I'm sensitive to cold). What I don't mention is the general feeling I get from Stanford. I know that I can feel safe, intellectually challenged, and welcome. Stanford is an environment in which I can achieve my best; the obvious passion that teachers and students have for their work fosters inspiration and success.

My answer to the second question is usually "I'm not sure." I have so many interests, from language to astronomy to psychology. I know that I have options at Stanford. I can take "Celluloid America: Explorations in Film and History" and "Energy and the Environment on the Back of an Envelope." At Stanford, I will be able to find my true calling while indulging my other interests. When I find my passion, I know that there will be a community of Stanford students like me to share it with. If I could say all of this when people ask "Why Stanford?" they would understand.

General thoughts, anything I could improve? Thanks!
ailibai   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "a day in the childhood of my father's father" - person from the past Yale [6]

I think your answer to the first question needs to be much more specific. It asks for a moment in history. You need to expand your answer and focus on the why.

I can't tell you what to put for the other two, but for the second, think of something you want them to know that you value. Try to make it a question that reveals something about you, but would also apply to other applicants.
ailibai   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / North Carolina: How I Spent My Summers - Princeton Supplement [4]

Topic: Please tell us how you have spent the last two summers.

Two summers ago, I spent most of June in North Carolina. My dad's side of the family rented a house for a family reunion. He has five siblings, so it was always interesting! It was great to reconnect and to see my cousin who had spent the last three years teaching in Korea. I spent a lot of time with my then five-year-old cousin, Kelly. I could see the beach through her eyes as we collected every seashell we saw, pretended to be mermaids in the pool, and played "jump over the waves" for hours.

In July, I went on a three-week exchange trip to France. I stayed with Inѐs, whom I hosted the previous summer, and I absolutely loved the time I spent there. I stayed for a bit more than two weeks with her family in the tiny, beautiful town of Saint-Benoît la Chipotte in Lorraine. We spent a lot of time hanging out with friends, but we also took day trips. I went to Nancy with Inѐs and her friends and came back with heavy shopping bags and strong friendships. In Strasbourg, I strongly felt the German influence as I admired the architecture and the famous Cathédrale. My time in Paris was short, but magical. I explored the Louvre and Musée d'Orsay, dreamed about living in Versailles, and even braved the catacombs. I learned so much about the French language and way of life; I would go back immediately if I could.

This last summer, I didn't have time for vacations. The last semester of my junior year, my health failed me again; I missed five months of school from a severe headache. My summer was focused on two things: getting rid of my headache and catching up in school. I worked all summer to complete the mountain of makeup work I had, but I did it.

After I finally recovered, I spent my August reading. For the last seven months, it had hurt my head to read, and I had missed curling up with a good book, thinking of nothing else but the story. My goal for awhile had been to read more classics, and I made good on it. Some of my favorite reads were The Picture of Dorian Gray, Herland, Candide, Jane Eyre, and Dracula.

I guess style and flow are my main concerns with this one? Thank you!
ailibai   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "the future of physics" - academic interests and/or professional goals - UIUC [5]

This is very well written and fun to read. I like the personal touch, but I think you need to add more about your future goals. This is more like a description of how you got here than an explanation of your present and future plans. Keep parts of the "origin story," but expand on your later life.

Good job!
ailibai   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / I Hope You're Tall - Stanford - Letter to Roommate [8]

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

Dear Future Roommate,
I can't wait to meet you! I'm glad I'll have someone to share the "college experience" with. There are a few things you should probably know about me, like that I am a very deep sleeper. On the plus side, this means you can stay up late talking on the phone if you want! This also means that I'll be bringing my "serious business" alarm clock, complete with bed-shaker. Don't worry; I don't have to turn it up all the way!

I'm very close with my sister, and there will be times when I'm up late Skyping with her. You should be glad to know that I am a fairly neat person. I'm good at organizing things, and I really don't mind cleaning.

If you can speak French or Chinese, that will be fantastic! I like to practice my foreign languages, but the extent of my family's French is my dad saying, "Elle est tombée sur la tęte" in response to everything. I guarantee there will be times when you have to help me reach things on high shelves--I'm only 4'11". I'm usually a happy person, but I do get down sometimes. A little de--stressing time with friends will help!

I'm a complete sci-fi geek. Doctor Who is my favorite show, and SyFy channel original movies (even though I know they're terrible) make my weekends.

I look forward to hanging out with you! I'm open when it comes to activities. I love shopping, movies, and even spontaneous road trips. I'm willing to try new things, too! If you're into crazy-fast, upside-down rollercoasters, I'll give it a go!

I'll have just as much fun whether we're debating climate change (though I do hope you recognize its validity), discussing conspiracy theories, or watching YouTube videos of kittens.

Until September,
Becca

Does my personality come through in this? I don't think it's too informal. Any suggestions are welcomed! Thank you :)
ailibai   
Dec 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "College Search Era" - How you first learned about Grinnell [3]

In the "College Search Era" when WebPageswebsites and College CatalogsI don't think this has to be capitalized.prevailed into my worldthis part doesn't make sense , I met Grinnell College - the small liberal arts and sciences college located in the cornfields of Iowa.I think it's unnecessary to describe the college; they know what it is.

ButDon't start a sentence with "but" it was not until I attended Seth Allen's presentation inat Anatolia College that Grinnell took its real shape into my mindbegan to take shape in my mind . Start a new sentence hereas I learned much more than just statistics and facts;I experienced a part of the Grinnell spirit and it was then that I knew that I had found my "intellectual match".

Hope that helps.
ailibai   
Dec 23, 2010
Undergraduate / "How have you spent your summers?" - Princeton Supplement [6]

"Having long retreated in the sidelines with my shyness , I was suddenly hit by the desire to change."

I think that part is a little awkward. I'd maybe say, "My shyness had always pushed me towards the sidelines, but I was suddenly hit with the desire to change."

Something like that? Just a bit of rearranging.

Otherwise, this is really good!
ailibai   
Dec 23, 2010
Undergraduate / (How I Learned to Learn) - Princeton Supplement - Option Four [2]

The Prompt: Using a favorite quotation from an essay or book you have read in the last three years as a starting point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world. Please write the quotation at the beginning of your essay.

My Quote: "The power of doing anything with quickness is always prized much by the possessor, and often without any attention to the imperfection of the performance."

-Jane Austen (Pride and Prejudice)

My Essay:
My math teacher for my freshman year always asked the question, "When are people going to stop doing homework just to get it done?" Since I was in kindergarten, I have always loved school, but my freshman year was the first year I found challenging. I loved having honors classes that pushed me further, but I was lost. I learned very quickly that I could not rely on natural brainpower to get me through this time. I needed to study, but I had no idea how. My geometry teacher's question helped me realize that learning is about much more than doing homework.

I started looking at schoolwork as more than something I had to do. As soon as I saw homework as an opportunity to learn more, it became more enjoyable. I trained my mind to make connections that cemented information and further understanding. Even during my "relaxation time," I found myself thinking about topics I was studying in school. Instead of pushing them away as I used to do, I realized how interesting these things were. For me, the difference was how I helped myself learn it. I learn using connections, emotions, and visualization. When I started spending more time on my schoolwork, I noticed that I absorbed much more information. Not only did I improve my "World History Jeopardy" game, what I learned meant more to me because of the personal connections I made. Now I know that it is the time and effort put into things that makes them meaningful.

The goal should be to create something to be proud of, not to produce it quickly. The best things take time. A diamond can take up to 3 billion years to form. The most popular diamond substitute, cubic zirconium, takes no time at all in comparison. The two may look the same from a distance, but inspect closely, and the impostor is obvious. The same goes for almost anything in life. When given an assignment, I could do it according to the minimum requirements, or I could take more time and effort to go above. The difference is more than the quality of the product; I will have gained that much more knowledge and experience. What is important to me is knowing that I embraced my process of learning and came out with as much understanding as I could.

Why would I want to go to Princeton? I could get accepted and graduate from many schools much more easily. I do not want to graduate from college; I want to graduate from college knowing that I took the opportunity to learn all that I could. It will be more difficult, and it will definitely be more time-consuming. I choose to challenge myself because I know that the time spent will be worth it. The more I learn, the more I get to know myself. My experiences during my freshman year taught me to value the process of learning as much as the knowledge itself.
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