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Posts by simardownn
Joined: Dec 29, 2010
Last Post: Dec 30, 2010
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Posts: 20  

From: USA

Displayed posts: 20
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Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "My cozy blue chair" my Notre Dame Essay and my Rochester essay [10]

Sorry, I didn't mention this before but I am confused as to how you are trying to use the word clandestine. Maybe you meant: Clandestinely hidden among the maze of bookshelves, I find my niche.

Walking through the cozy school library , the sun has yet to rise as I head directly towards my favorite nookYou already said you were walking why mention it again?consisting of a haggard looking blue bean bag chair and a mildly uncomfortable blue gaming chair. There, seated against the emergency exit, the one that continuously blows the cold winter air;,I contemplate my successes, failures, and what I hope my future triumphs to be . I think you could let the leaders learn that you are going to tak about your succeses and failure as you say succes, failure... Here, you can add something like. my thoughts consume me. With this brevity, you can add another one of your thoughts later on. I was victorious in my last tennis match, success. It was a doubles match.Don't state this after the fact you have already mentioned the success part I have yet to paint all of my bedroom walls, failure, but it makes an excellent accent wallSame as above you alredy mentioned it was a failure. Gazing upward, I ponder the newly released novels shelved above me in the young adult fiction domain-then, however, another shiver causesmakes me to question why I consistently forget to wear a coat!.

With more of the stuff cut out, you can add another thoughtful example. I LOOVED the way you introduced you ending w/ the exit door! It really connected!
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "My cozy blue chair" my Notre Dame Essay and my Rochester essay [10]

You don't have to mention my haven, the library.

Readers already know that.

Also, make it more personal. Like instead of saying that you went to the hospital for an operation (you could easily list this in the ECs), make it more meaningful, more emotional.

Really liked the ending w/ the shiver coat thing. Maybe instead of neglect. Make it forget add some persona maybe?

Right now, it seems like your listing the problem for number two. Add some emotion to it! Bring the reader into the situation.

Your vocab is fantastic!

Good luck! Look at mine? The re-edited post.
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Pit Orchestra - CommonApp Extracurricular Prompt [2]

Besides the errors indicated above. I think it looks good!

Really loved the intro! Very vivid!

The tense change between the 1st and 2nd paragraph. It goes from reminisced to 'are
. Maybe Pit scores never re-arranged...

But then you also use has later on... So make it a consistent tense

Good luck!
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "student faculty connection is important; International Business" - Dickinson [2]

I grew up in a school system where student faculty connection iswas of paramount importance. This approach [explicity state what this approach was towards? the staff?] was not only effective but also helped me to learn with ease. Dickinson College has a 10 to 1 student faculty ratio, which makes it unique. It has been my dream to study in such a system even after school...

I believe this methodology will help me to grow individually, academically, and intellectuallyHow?/Why? .
... ever since I started studying it in O levelwhat is this? , which has blessed ...

I think your 2nd paragraph doesn't connect well. It just jumps from different topics.

Wish you luck!
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Times have changed Notre Dame essay [13]

Born during the twenty-first century, I am effortlessly granted a number of amenities that were not attainable to my ancestors before me[This is redundant]

Moreover, familial cooperation was onceReader already knows you are in the beginning of teh 21st century essential to obtaining a functioning home,nowNow with maids and extra-curricular activities, families barely have time for each other.

Otherwise, good job!

Look at mine please the Re-edited version!
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Arab Belly Dancer" - ETHNIC COMMUNITY I BELONG TO- UMICH ESSAY [5]

Fix your sentence order. Because you go from adopting new opinions to having everyone hear yours.

I think this should go first in order

When I walk the halls, I'm a student, but when I enter the classroom, I become so much more. It becomes almost irrelevant that my favorite pastime is belly dancing, I go to church every Sunday and that I'm a die-hard republican, it just matters that I have an opinion, and everyone wants to hear it.

Then, this sentence:
In pushing my opinions and beliefs on others, I picked up a few new ones along the way.

This way your conclusion flows smoothing and the fact that you pick up more opinions shows your tolerance in the last sentence.
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "physics class" - Penn Supplement- Bioengineering and Band [4]

This is really good. But why don't add things that you like about the Penn atmosphere: the city, the weather, the school size, the people. But other than that, it is really well organized.

Could you look at mine please?
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Arab Belly Dancer" - ETHNIC COMMUNITY I BELONG TO- UMICH ESSAY [5]

could never have gotreceived myself, tolerance.

With my high school being viewed as the most diverse in the city

nothing more than merely my everyday[use another word. it doesn't sound right

and philosophy;, just the way we should have

Maybe, you should give specific examples as to what your place in the community is.

Return the favor, pleasee.
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Democrats, Republicans, and Heaps of Trash" - influence Common app [9]

...him h is name, so I asked. He gave a hearty laugh and responded, "Michél."

The ending sort of seems unfinished. There seems to be no closure

But, other than that, it was really good. I felt like I got to know the janitor and you really well through this essay.

And I don't think it needs to be cut down. It seems to develop the idea fully.

Take a look at mine pleasee
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "a road trip to see the Northwestern campus" - NORTHWESTERN [6]

As we pastpassed the Sears Tower and Cloud gate

You don't really have to add the time limit you spend on facebook.

Also, I think you should include why you are a perfect fit for Northwestern.

But, you had really good details about Northwestern!

Look at mine, please!
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Game + Golden Advertisement + Curriculum - Notre Dame [12]

The first is spot on. I could hear you thinking.

...that makes over thenthan billion dollars a year

When Limewire, Frostwire, and youtube to mp3 converters became widely known across the internet. Sentence Fragment

For the third one, I think it would be more creative to talk about what the course is about, along with what you would as an instructor.
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / ""Alex, you're not wearing sweatpants to school." - YALE Supplement [16]

Since it says write about anything, I think you answered the prompt well. It was actually insightful as to how the difference between sweatpants meant how serious you took school. Really good!

Really like the details in the 4th paragraph

Look at mine pleaaase!
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Economics and public policy (China's One Child Policy) - supplement essay [10]

Economics is the same way. It strictly relies on math and logistics. Feel like you didn't relate back to the comparison of how economics is constant

It cannot provide my parents another child if I becamebecome disabled from an accident.

Umm, wow! The fact that you could relate driving, economics, and the China One Child Policy is amazing! Really really good essay!

Look at mine pleaseeee!
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Road to Serfdom" Stanford Intellectual experience [6]

Ok...Is my ideas presented coherently? If not, where does it sound funny?

I have always been interested in politics and love to read political editorials, attracted by their strong views and simple, yet, convincing arguments.

The Road to Serfdom was different from all the works about politics I havehad read previously.

What I find astonishing and engaging in this book was the amazing power of "systematic".unsure as to what this is saying Editorials are attractive, but not as powerful as the Road ...

Suddenly,it dawned on meI questioned : Why am I so easily convinced?

... while the mind of a true intellectual, like Hayek, should be a powerful systematic whole.

Instead of asking a series of questions at the end, why don't you use the space elaborating on the answer? =) It was really good though!

Critique mine pleasee
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "My biggest blunder; cutting down the wrong tree"- Common app essay [10]

Shortly thereafter, despite my best reasons why my brother ought to be enlisted to the task instead, I was out hacking my way through a tree trunk.

Don't use "ought to" maybe should have

I was surprised to find that this time was considerabley less than expected...

From this point on, I have learned not to avoid mistakes and their consequences, but to face them and improve from the experience.

It was really good though! I sort of laughed at the phrase "offending plant". Good adjective!

Critique mine please!
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "A story with no conflict at all" - Stanford SOP [7]

I agree with the above comments. I think it might be the topic.

Although you could still make it work, if you focus it more. Instead of talking about the whole grade fiasco (which I am sure most Stanford applicants talk about), talk about getting chicken pox during the beauty pageant and your experience. I think the irony in it sort of amused it.
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Columbia: A Unique but Unusual Approach. Is it too Wierd? [14]

Umm, can I say wow?
The beginning was great! It is definitely not too weird. Salient details.

The only thing I would say is some of the sentences are too long. Make them into separate sentences.

Such hysteria and rumor mongering is put to a triumphant rest by Columbia, a large research university at the heart of throbbing NYC that provides all the practical advantages of modernity and progress yet preserves the ideal of broad based study with its unmatched Core Curriculum.

I want to immerse myself: test the limits of my mind and stretch its imagination into every area of study, to walk into a dinner party and converse with the musician and the scientist with equal dexterity, to marinate in the atmosphere of knowledge and exploration that is so palpable at Columbia's campus.

Great example with the dinner party though!
Can't end a sentence with a preposition

Bread based education, a degree good only for a comfortable desk job and a neat house in Suburbia with two cars on the driveway, isn't a fate I care to surrender myself to .

Can't end a sentence with a preposition.

To do this, amidst the smoke and lights of the most cosmopolitan city in the world, brings together education and opportunity in an explosively perfect combination.

I felt the ending was incomplete. It sort of abruptly ended. But, your word choice and examples were great!