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Posts by m00ny
Joined: Feb 3, 2011		 Last Post: Mar 21, 2012
Threads: 2
Posts: 20  

From: Slovenia

Displayed posts: 22
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m00ny   
Mar 21, 2012
Writing Feedback / Exemplification essay - All about clothes [2]

The essay flows good, intro and ending are well separated. I like how you include specific information about Gothic style and Hutterite people.
Try to replace some common words (he or she/wears/men/clothes with synonyms). Essay is much more interesting when you have new words coming up, nevertheless if you are repeating same sentence :). When you conclude, think about inspiring reader. Just as I was reading this essay, I was thinking; how many times did I actually stopped and checked one`s garment?

Best wishes, m00ny.
m00ny   
Mar 21, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'studying abroad offers students many necessary skills' - paragraph pro/cons [5]

Few ideas:

- you state a lot of good points/ideas/reasons why studying abroad is important. Try to keep them narrative, don`t jump from native speakers to self-confidence. ( they have to familiarize themselves with new culture so they will have to deal with problems on their own. Moreover, they have to adapt many other things.It's very useful for them to be more confident and independent in their lives)

- be more specific; studying in another country indeed brings up some culture issues, however - seeing it as as student - I would have more problems with replacing things, which have been obvious in my country: free student meals, wi-fi on the campus .. are they better in another country?

- would you go studying abroad? why?
m00ny   
Mar 2, 2011
Writing Feedback / PRICELESS MOMENTS - TOEFL Older people enjoy their life more than young people [4]

Few weeks ago, when I took IELTS, we had 60 mins for two tasks. Somehow, I managed to "survive" with additional 5 minutes to check missed errors.

The best thing is, to practice, practice and practice -- DRILL!. Check some writing tips (IELTS is pretty much the same as TOEFL):
your-ielts-guide.com/IELTS-Tips-Writing.shtml
ielts-blog.com/ielts-preparation-tips/writing-tips/9-ielts-writing-tips-from-phuong-how-to-get-band-7/
then write as many essays as you can.

Support your essays with clear examples, use simple,plain language.

Out of five? I would say 3+. You have some minor mistakes, essay is readable and flows OK, but as I already mentioned, your lack of idea and systematization lowers the score. But, I'm not really the one to judge, so ... =)
m00ny   
Mar 1, 2011
Writing Feedback / (the social processes) My teaching philosophy of museum teaching [4]

Based on this premise, the role of teacher in learning is not about how much he/she passes ontransfers/transmits knowledge to learners.

The more important thing is that he/she needs to carefully observes learners' interests and even better to know their familiarizes with their backgrounds or former experiences, in order to come updevelop different waystechniques to well support their learning and make it meaningful.

However, others definitely do not learn things in the same way as I dowith the similar approach, as I do.

Hence obviously, how people learn would surely is influenced by their backgrounds.

As a teacher, it is pivotal to sense that every individual is not the same, and providing multiple waysmethods to take care ofmanage these learning needs is necessary.

You obviously did a GREAT job. I love the final part, where you explain your role as a media between visitor and exhibit -- genius thought!

Maybe, you can include clear and plain examples, f.e. what are the methods one posses to learn something, and how do you spot/qualify them?
m00ny   
Mar 1, 2011
Undergraduate / Texas A&M -- Statement of purpose -- Write about my motivation (too emotional?) [3]

Well, you clearly should avoid stating your accomplishments and activities, right? =)
- write about your character (ask friends to help you with that)
- what makes you angry, happy, inspires you?
- what do you expect (as a person) from university & professor?
- add some lines about your family & friends, what they mean to you, ...
- writing about your skills or rather, what made you urge & pursue those skills is a great tool to tell them what are you capable of

- clearly, including motivation and reasons for choosing Texas A&M uni. is necessary, but keep in mind to be short
- ... think, young boy =)
m00ny   
Mar 1, 2011
Writing Feedback / Topic: "Is the impact of imported food beneficial or not?" [6]

Nowadays, due to the improvements in transportation, every product can be imported by train, air or shipping.train, plane or ship.

Food is one category amongst many others. What are you trying to say here?

On the other hand, imported food is not cheap. Even though the cost of the imported products are not that high, even cheaper than the native products, the taxes are really high on them, including imported foods.You really need to be more simple mate =). You want to say that imported products are cheaper than non-imported, however with tax calculation, they are rather more expensive?

Your grammar is not bad at all, but you are really trying to express yourself in a hard, complex language. Use plain, simple sentences. Don't exaggerate where you don't need to.

Also, if you have noticed (when you did second reading), you supported your opinion with one single argument: wider range of food. Think about quality of imported goods? Can they match to country sources? What about the dependency on foreign countries? The bigger is import = the bigger is dependency?
m00ny   
Mar 1, 2011
Writing Feedback / PRICELESS MOMENTS - TOEFL Older people enjoy their life more than young people [4]

Hey there!

Your essay is a great example of good grammar and coherence! Keep going & excelling that!
The content, however, should be more framed; Define various types of enjoyment! For example, I don't consider sitting in a park & breathing the surroundings an enjoyment -- more like a relaxation. Young people have way different perspective of pleasure than older do, right?
m00ny   
Feb 28, 2011
Writing Feedback / It's better to have peace than prevailing war [4]

Ok, you have some grammar and tense errors, but nothing serious. Check following sentences:

There are nuclear bombs explode and kill a thousands of innocent people. You're generalizing. It's true that nuclear bomb was used, but (as far as I know) only twice. Instead of "there are" and "they kill", maybe try to point out that even nuclear bombs have been used?

Those people wish to live with peace and solidarity because, in that way, man can obtain the aim to live and start a new life... in that way, man one can obtain ..

War between two and more countries is not the essential way to maintain the understanding of everyone, it is preparing of destroying creations of God, not only man but other living and nonliving things are pathetically killed and ended life without knowing what are happening.it is preparing of destroying ... it's the beginning of destroying God's creations . Also, if you mentioned living and non-living things, then use verb for non-living things: destroyed/ruined/blown up/wiped out ... other living and non-living things are pathetically killed or destroyed without ...

Sky wars, sea wars, and land wars are formed if it is absolutely happened. What is the purpose of this sentence?

Think about adding pro/con text to essay, change the ending, do it more "non-poem" style.
m00ny   
Feb 17, 2011
Undergraduate / "My grandfather taught me a lot about the world" - Peace Corps Application Essays [4]

Consider following ideas/questions:
- what do you want to do at Peace Corps? Be specific - let them know that you are updated with situation around the world
- what difficulties will you face, when moving to another country? are you aware of them?
- ending isn't as strong as it should be ... make them feel, how irreplaceable you are!
m00ny   
Feb 13, 2011
Undergraduate / Cambridge Centre for Sixth form Studies (interests, achievements, hopes) [4]

Ok, some suggestions:

I, Abdullah Ahmed, can certainly not be called an average Joe firstly because I believe in living and thinking out of the bubble. I'm not really sure if living and thinking out of the bubble is the reason, powerful enough, to not be called an "average Joe". Write something stronger or change the sentence.

I worked tirelessly and all of the hard work paid off when I achieved A* grades in both subjects.

However I decided to overcome this fear and learnt swimming during my summer vacations in 2006. Then, since the summer of 2009 I have also been playing the guitar and have played it in a few events at school in front of an audience although I am still learning it. You have a time gap. Try to add something, or take out the date information.

Thus I can say I am a good reader. Rather say objective/open-minded or sth. similar.

Apart from all that, over the past few years, I have actively participated in extracurricular activities such as debates, scrabble, and chess .etc. . You don't want to show your laziness, do you?

This October I participated in Pakistan Scrabble Association's scrabble tournament where I stood 13th and our school got came 5th out of the 120 schools that had participated.

There asis also an English Creative writing competition organized by 'Horlicks' in which I was chosen to represent my school.

P.S I have attached all the certificates of the above mentioned extracurricular activities with the application. Instead of using "P.S.", just add it to the previous sentence. ("All the above mentioned extracurricular activities can be found ... ")

Till the ending of the essay, everything flows like it should. However, at the end, I/reader somehow lose that feeling. Also, merge those one-liners.

Some overall suggestions:
- add a few lines about CCSA, why is this your only choice.
- you didn't mention what you want to do in your life
- I think it would be a great idea, if you included what other friends/relatives think about you?
m00ny   
Feb 13, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Music was, remains and will be vital part of our lives [6]

@ekologic:
I'm not sure about "All walks of life" - never saw it in such context. I'm more keen to use plain, simple english =). You can't use vivid as an adjective for dispute (f.e. following nouns are OK: picture, memory, imagination, story, ...). As far as I know, proverb functions as a quote, therefore quotation marks are obligated.
m00ny   
Feb 11, 2011
Letters / LETTER: Writing a letter to a bus company, informing them about a bag loss. [9]

Full title: Write a letter to a bus company saying you have left something valuable on the bus and tell them what to do if they find it?

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing this letter to inform you about lost bag. Unhappy accident occurred yesterday afternoon - 10.2.2011 -, on a regional line London - Oxford.

The bus, which I took in London, arrived at station Oxford Square around 5 pm. I don't know exact number of the bus, however driver's name was Bill and he was driving white bus, with black stripes on each side. I forgot the bag at the right-back row. It is a common student bag, with one leather strap, brown color and big white text on a rear side; DUM.

In case anything similar appears or is returned to the office, please notify me on my mobile phone ++3856048966657 or use email jack.brown@gmail.com.

Many thanks for your help and cooperation.

Jack Brown

---------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------

Any comments or remark is strongly appreciated!
m00ny   
Feb 11, 2011
Undergraduate / "film can express anything" - Film School Essay for college admission [5]

Small remarks:
I have been involved in the arts my whole life.
... earning an award for my work which I wrote, edited and filmed over the course of four days that I had found out about the contest to make the entry deadline. You edited, recorded and wrote it, but was was that with four days and entry deadline? Doesn't sounds logic to me.

In my opinion, essay is one hell of a written story. Easy to follow (events are happening one after another), simple plain explanations, rich with linking words ... Maybe you should add some lines explaning why did you choose this school in particularly and your future plans/expectations. But again, great work!! =)
m00ny   
Feb 3, 2011
Writing Feedback / "Soon people who cannot work with computers will be disadvantaged" ESSAY [5]

Full title: Soon people who cannot work with computers will be disadvantaged. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this idea?

Computers are indispensable part of modern life. Not only they play essential role in workplaces around the world, also the Internet, biggest invention since font, is directly connected to them. One who does not possess basic skills to use computer, is at modern workplace only redundant worker.

To begin with, almost 107 million units of computer were sold last year in Asia-Pacific region. This number clearly presents the demand buyers have. Bus stations, restaurants, groceries, ZOOs, even Alpine huts, they all have various forms of computer. Computerizing has already stepped over the brink to where one could decline it.

Furthermore, E-tax, social networks, up-to-date news, live broadcast, they are all part of our social interactions. To access those medias, you have to have a computer. Next, many traditional processes are being replaced (or updated) by computer. For example, buying a plane ticket, changing your primary address, paying bills, even entering for an examination is now done solely with computer.

Obviously, when applying for a job in office, you ought to have basic computer skills. Secretaries are entailed to handle harder tasks, such as using printer or various office applications.

To sum up, one who does not possess basic skills for using computer is disadvantaged. No matter the occurrence, with technology nowadays, sooner or later an occasion will appear that will require some knowledge of computers.

// Sorry for breaking the lines, but anyone knows how to make "modern style" lines??

Please give me your opinion, comments, whatever you have on your mind. I'm taking IELTS exam, this is considered to be writing practice.
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