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Posts by MIT2016
Joined: May 20, 2011		 Last Post: Nov 16, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 18  
From: United Kingdom (Great Britain)

Displayed posts: 20
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MIT2016   
Nov 16, 2011
Undergraduate / My dreams and aspiration-UC Prompt 1; The Basketball Game-UC Prompt 2 [3]

About the first essay: it's a bio-data rather than a biography....the Adcoms really want to know you not your cousin nor does it want to know about your location's population. Talk about how someone/something in your community inspired you to become something, have something in particular and to achieve something!!

About second Essay: I think you need to make the introduction more interesting. Start with a dialogue or so. The rest is fine!!

And do help me with mine!!
MIT2016   
Nov 16, 2011
Undergraduate / 'art and science, programming' - Common App short writing [8]

I think The essay must clearly demonstrate your activity....though I understood that but stressed Admission Officers are not going to look that hard....At lest you need to clarify your activity, may it be in the beginning, in the middle or by a single word in the end.

And judging from your writing skills I get the hint that you can definitely spice the essay up!

Good luck and do help with mine!
MIT2016   
Nov 16, 2011
Undergraduate / has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations:I was born in a small city [5]

To say honestly, your idea is a bit generic. The case you mentioned, to me, does not define your passion nor does it define your trajectory. I think you have to give it some thinking and come up with creative ideas to stitch all those facts.

And lastly, would you please help with mine?
MIT2016   
Nov 16, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Singing being a Filipino' - UC-- Describe the world you come from [4]

I agree that the second portion lacks the tone. You said 'singing taught you to compete with others and work hard.' That's great but you didn't provide much detail on that. I think you can do that by curtailing some of the Filipino tradition part.

Overall, it's a good start. :)

And do hep with mine.
MIT2016   
Nov 14, 2011
Undergraduate / Why a doctor - Med Program Application [6]

It's a masterpiece, the way the essay began!

But I suggest you add some medicinal values to your interest in order to embellish your essay.

Once again, amazing start!
MIT2016   
Nov 14, 2011
Undergraduate / "Ant Theory" - Penn admission essay, why penn and self-introduction [5]

OK,

I think you got a head start with your 1st essay. I must say, well done and continue with that paragraph.

On the second essay: I think it's better than the last one. Still I suggest you remove the name of the movie and just express it as your favourite quote. I don't see any reason to include a movie here but the 'quote'. And I think the essay is a 'go'!

:)
MIT2016   
Nov 13, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I'm capable not only of surviving in any environment' - UC Essay, topic 1 [6]

Hi Naren,

It's really long. I think you can keep the last two paragraphs as they tell the reader more about you. But try to clear up how resilience helps the science in achieving its goals.

And lastly, truncate parts of your Indian details. BTW the first paragraph is not organized.

REMEMBER: We are the writers of our own biographies. And thus we ourselves are the editor-in-chief and knows which part can be cut or not as we know the significant role played by that part in our biographies.

Good Luck!! :)
MIT2016   
Nov 13, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Magdi Yacoub is the reason' -a person who has had a significant influence [5]

Hi Walid,

Your writing style is simple and that's what makes your essay more personal. I reaaly liked that style.
Now, moving on to the content of your essay, I would say you used many vacant sentences- the sentences that don't convey any message from your part. For instance, 'Magdi helped me.' How? As the above post got it correct: You have to cite examples of Magdi's life, how his field of interest inspired you and how you want to change the world.

Try on those and I believe you can do it! :)
MIT2016   
Nov 13, 2011
Undergraduate / "Ant Theory" - Penn admission essay, why penn and self-introduction [5]

Hello,

I think the problem with your short essay is you used up almost half of your allotted space to describe a theory and you did not deal with any specific incident.

Then to the second essay: Why do you want to reach out to the world? Do you have any particular goal? If so, start with it.

And finally, do help with mine. :)
MIT2016   
Nov 13, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Where is Schumacher?' - MIT [6]

'Where is Schumacher?' This was my initial response when I took apart my remote-controlled toy car, curious to find the man at the wheel, waiting for my cue to roll the wheels. I instead found a bunch of colored wires hooked up to peculiar boards with metal prickles on it, not at all accommodative for my Schumacher. This early moment was the genesis of my interest in engineering, an interest that was begotten by curiosity.

Curiosity even made its mark in my classroom as I became more active in class discussions: asking teachers on how scientific processes work. 'Does the size of resistor affect the power with constant potential?' In devising an experiment to probe the relationship between resistor size and power, I found that a single question in science often gave rise to many more- 'It does, but why and how?'

I discovered the transformation of 'curiosity' to 'creativity' as I yearned to be involved with mechanics that transforms abstract concepts into products that may prove their worth in our everyday life. Can we tackle HIV by machines? We may confront the viral existence by nano-robots. Can we imagine computers without monitors and keyboards? No, it's not iPad. It may be a dice with laser-interface-system that can provide the user with functional holograms of keyboard and screen and can fit anywhere we like.

Curiosity always takes me several years forward in time, to my work place as a research and development engineer. And it's 'curiosity' that makes me, me.

Really, the worst essay prompt I've ever answered.
BE HARSH, BE AGGRESSIVE, BE RUTHLESS BUT BE HONEST!!!
MIT2016   
Nov 10, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the birth of my creativity' - something you do for pleasure [7]

You are a graceful writer. The essay answers the prompt correctly. Here are some minor corrections: sat in the first line
Her praise would only add to my individual glory and content Her praise would encourage me to continue the persuit of my innate creativity: sketching. This will take your word count to 94.

:)
MIT2016   
Nov 10, 2011
Undergraduate / Common app about exchange year in Japan [2]

I don't know. The essays seems to be a travel story and does not convey anything on your personal trait, to me. I think you need to focus on a single incident in Japan that shaped you.
MIT2016   
Nov 10, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Being the architect of my education' - Brown Short Question [3]

Okay, if the Brown Essay Limit is 500 characters, (I may sound a bit harsh) then there is something missing in your essay. It's the Main theme. Your essay is not specific, rather it is general. Talk about how Brown can help you being a architect of your own education.
MIT2016   
Nov 9, 2011
Undergraduate / 'mechanical engineering course' - department or program at MIT appeals to you [9]

Hi, thanx for the feedback. Yes, the last sentence is a bit long but I want to it to be so. Thus I have modified it to the following.

The mechanical engineering course offered at MIT has been my ambition ever since the genesis of my interest in nano-robotics. I aspire to be involved in the undergraduate research opportunities available at MIT, especially those concerning nano-scale electronics and nano-mechanics. The photo-interferometer utility of the Nano-Structures Laboratory, the expertise of Professor Sang-Gook Kim on the design of nano-scale products: muscle-inspired-actuators and nano-electro-mechanical-systems (NEMS), plus the acquisition of hands-on experience in engineering through UROP, when integrated with my goal to devise therapeutic nano-robots would usher the potential of unthought-of nano-particle treatment, worthy of extirpating the structural integrity of HIV. (98 words)

Hope this is better. :)
MIT2016   
Nov 9, 2011
Undergraduate / 'cooking helps me create' - common app extra curricular [7]

Yes, it's really better than the last one. Do not use comma after 'but'. :)
You might consider this change if you want:

I was always an ardent lover of food but I began to persue my culinary passion when my grandma taught me the function of spices.

And lastly, this question is from my perspective, how the function of spices really sparked your interest in cooking? Might answer this in the essay, while you can just From then on, I have been following my passion for cooking.

Goodluck with your dream school!! :)
MIT2016   
Nov 9, 2011
Undergraduate / 'cooking helps me create' - common app extra curricular [7]

Hi,
I must say that you did pretty well in this essay. I may suggest you make certain mini-changes:
I feel bliss like an artist must feel after completing a painting I feel the bliss that an artist feels after the completion of his masterpiece.

You might also want to add the thrilling comments you get from your 'customers'.

And finally, would you like to help me with mine?
MIT2016   
Nov 7, 2011
Undergraduate / 'mechanical engineering course' - department or program at MIT appeals to you [9]

Hi,
Here's my essay that I've written for my application. I would really appreciate any help from the people in this forum. I have to send this essay within the next SEVEN days.

The mechanical engineering course offered at MIT has been my ambition ever since the genesis of my interest in nano-robotics. I aspire to be involved with the undergraduate research opportunities available at MIT, especially those concerning nano-scale electronics and nano-mechanics. The expertise of Professor Sang-Gook Kim on the design of nano-scale products, which includes muscle-inspired-actuators and nano-electro-mechanical-systems (NEMS), the sophisticated photo-interferometer of the Nano-Structures Laboratory, plus the acquisition of hands-on experience in engineering through UROP, when integrated with my goal to devise nano-robots, worthy of extirpating the structural integrity of HIV, would usher the potential of unthought-of nano-particle treatment. (99 words)

I would really APPRECIATE your kind help. Thank you, in advance.
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