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Posts by yoyolo
Joined: May 21, 2011
Last Post: Jun 2, 2011
Threads: 5
Posts: 13  

From: China

Displayed posts: 18
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yoyolo   
Jun 2, 2011
Writing Feedback / Essay: Smokers can cause themselves serious health problems. [3]

Hello Dhammika,

I bet this is a IELTS essay and as a experienced IELTS student here are some suggestions:

1. Your first para is too long. Normally, we only need 2-3 sentences, which is the summary of your general opinion. However, your first para seems like a supporting idea.

2. Compared to your introduction, it is always better to write at least two sentences for the conclusion para.

3. The topic sentense of each para sometimes is a bit confusing. I am not a native speaker, BUT I am sure that you need to work on it.

Good luck to your IELTS.
yoyolo   
Jun 2, 2011
Writing Feedback / Compare the changes of an area during the years and predicted planning in the future [2]

The two pictures compare the changes of an area during the years and predicted planning in the future.

According to the first picture, there were only a few houses on the top right side of the river and there was nothing below the housing area in 1968. On the opposite of these houses, it was a dense forest with a main road directed to the city; however, the residents had to take boat first in order to across the river, otherwise, they could never access to the main road to the city.

The second map shows the present and future view of this area. As we can see that the housing area has been tripled and the deep forest is mainly replaced by two separated car parks and several buildings. More conveniently, people nowadays could visit the other side by a bridge rather than by boat in the past, which link the main road to the city. In the future, this area is going to build a church with a car park beside it on the right bottom alone the river. It is also planned to construct another bridge and path to the city on the top of the church.
yoyolo   
May 30, 2011
Scholarship / "Through my love for Computer and development" - scholarship PS for UK universities [5]

Hello, I used to be an international student studying in the UK. I like that country and it is a fantastic place for students who prefer quiet environment to study. However, I want to be honest with you, they are hardly to give a master student scholarship,especially for computing science major. If you could get a higher score in GRE OR GMAT,better go to the US,where you could get more than you want.

Generally speaking toward your writting, there are some advices as follows:
1. I don't suggest you to write a full story about why your family couldn't support you financially,may be just leave one or two sentences before talking about why you go to work straightforward rather than go on study if you goal is taking a Phd.

2. University only give scholarships to someone who have better academic or working background. Please explain more about why do you think that you are fully qualified. Have you ever publish some of your research papers? Or, is there any great achievements that you have done at work place?

3. 'I hope one day to pay my parents back for helping me out when I needed it the most. ' At last, it is a bit strange to say with someone who are going to give your scholarships. You have to reclaim that you are a qualified and intelligent person to have that scholarship.

Hope it helps. Good luck for your study!
yoyolo   
May 29, 2011
Writing Feedback / Academic subjects should be useful for future careers of students? [5]

Thanks Kathy and Kelvin, that really helps a lot.
Another thing is about 'idea organising', I really couldn't concentrate on both of the idea organsing and writting in a very short period of time. I am so afraid to have a difficult topic in the exam.
yoyolo   
May 29, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS - do arts and music improve the quality of life? [2]

6. Many people think arts and music do not improve the quality of life, and the government should spent money on other things rather than the arts such as music and painting, to what extent agree or disagreeļ¼Ÿ

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My view is that the government should give priorities to invest more money on the basic social welfares such as education and housing instead of subsidizing arts relative programs.

Art is not the key determination of quality of life, but education is. In order to make people better off, it is more urgent for governments to commit money to some fundamental help such as setting more scholarships in education section for all citizens. This is simply because knowledge and wisdom is the guarantee of the enhancement of the quality of people's lives for a well-rounded social system.

Admittedly, art, to some extent, serve a valuable function about enriching one's daily lives, for example, it could bring release one's heavy burden of study pressure and refresh human bodies through a hard day from work. However, it is unrealistic to pursuit of this high standard of life in many developing countries, in which the basic housing supply has still been a huge problem with plenty of lower income family have squeezed in a small tight room. By comparison to these issues, the pursuit of art seems unimportant at all.

To conclude, art could play an active role in improving the quality of people's lives, but I think that governments should attach heavier weight to other social issues such as education and housing needs because those are the most essential ways enable to make people a decent life.
yoyolo   
May 28, 2011
Writing Feedback / Some jobs are appropriate for men (military), and some jobs are for women (nursing) [NEW]

3. Men and women are different, therefore some jobs are appropriate for men to do (military), and some jobs are suitable for women (nurse). To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Over the centuries men and women have been favored different kinds of works due to the nature of their gender differences genetically. I tend to agree that gender do has a huge impact here in terms of making a career choice.

As a matter of fact, men are generally stronger than women physically. That is why there are so many male soldiers in the military force rather than female ones worldwide. It is certainly true because women are unable to carry those heavy guns while move around in wild life as men do so the example approved that gender do matters toward different professions.

It is the maternal instinct of women about caring weak people as a nurse. In comparison to men, very few of them are unwilling to accept those job offers because most of them could not meet the basic requirement of nursing career of patient and soft heart. Therefore, nursing always rank the most popular jobs among girls regardless of the hardship of the work.

Those who seek gender quality might argue that male could be caring nurses while female could be successful solders as well. However, as the society getting more and more enlightened, the notion of gender discrimination is no longer the issue and it is people's options to pick whatever career they like the most. Consequently, many are still voluntarily followed by their ancestor's footsteps, which indicated that men and women vary in different ways, especially in making a career choice.

No matter which gender they are and what jobs that they are taken and, one shall treat them equally and respect their choice of professions because they all have tremendous contribution to our society as noble citizens.
yoyolo   
May 26, 2011
Research Papers / Death Penalty - quotes or cited information research? [6]

I think the most useful resource for you is e-journal from the online lib and sometimes it is more updated and as good as books.

Have a look for you, and I found the journal of 'The Death Penalty In America: Current Controversies - Research and...' sounds very interesting. I think what you need to look at first is about 'current Controversies' rather than 'legal rights'.
yoyolo   
May 26, 2011
Writing Feedback / some people believe that sport have no place in school curriculum [4]

Hello a_safaei_m,

English is not my first language too, so I couldn't correct your essay directly. However, please let me give you some indirect instruction for IELTS Task 2 writting.

1. avoid using 'formula words' such as 'Yet some people put forward the view that ' and that will surely decrease your score.

2. try to connect sentence by your words rather than conjuction words and by the way you use 'therefore' and 'in addition' for too many times.

3. finally, I don't think your essay is over 250 words.
yoyolo   
May 26, 2011
Writing Feedback / Academic subjects should be useful for future careers of students? [5]

Schools should concentrate on teaching students the academic subjects that will be useful for their future career. Subjects such as music and sports are not useful. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

(This is a real IELTS topic that I found from website, however, it seems a bit odd in terms of academic subjects. How do people put the subjects into categories actually? Anyway, help with my grammar please!)

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In speaking of most of those common students, I strongly agree that schools shall give top priority to subjects that will benefit student's future career directly rather than other subjects such as music and sports because those can be learnt as a hobby after school.

The reason for this may involve the recognition that the curriculum schools have been set must meet the requirements of the job market. Apparently, the job options for arts and sports are relatively limited in compare with some general occupations such as teachers and accountants.

It is quite common these days among new graduates who are major in one subject could not find a steady job because they are not trained to be a specialist in those fields. Without sufficient academic achievement, they will surely blame schools for not letting them become competitive in the job market consequently.

In spite of this, the obvious advantages for learning music and sports cannot be denied. Those who really love arts and sports may become future's artists and sports starts. Unfortunately, we should admit that these talents are few. For those who found those subjects are extremely useful and stimulating, they could choose those as their hobbies after classes.

In conclusion, the basic but vital task for students at school is obtaining academic knowledge. Once they left school and start job hunting, they will realize the importance of learning academic knowledge rather than other subjects, which can be learnt after classes as a personal hobby so long as someone who really appreciate it.
yoyolo   
May 23, 2011
Writing Feedback / The changeable amount of water used globally / number of miles traveled - Two IELTS [5]

Cambridge IELTS 6 EXAM 1 TASK 1

The first line graph illustrates the changeable amount of water used globally between 1900 and 2000. It is clear to see that the largest water used was for agricultural purpose, it first increased gradually from 500 km3 to 1,000 km3 in 1950 and dramatically surged to 3,000 km3 in 2000. Meanwhile, water used in the industrial and domestic sectors maintained the similar level of above 100 km3 until a sudden rapid rose to 300 km3 and 1000 km3 respectively.

While the second table chart shows the differences in water consumption per person every year in two country of Brazil(26,500 km2) and Democractic Republic of Gongo (100 km2) as a specific example. Brazil used a huge amount of water in agriculture of 359 m3 compared with only 8 m3 per capital per year and this is because the agricultural land of Brazil is much bigger than D.R.C.

Cambridge IELTS 6 EXAM 2 TASK 1

The table graph shows the average number of miles traveled per person per year in England from 1985 to 2000.

It is clear to see that the average distance traveled in all modes showed an upward trend from 4,740 to 6,475 miles over the years. The most popular travel mode among English was still by cars, which surged significantly to 4,806 miles by 2000. Meanwhile, the preference on other three modes (by long distance bus, train, taxi) were increased as the same rapid speed as cars.

By contrast, people in England least chose the modes of walking, bicycle and local bus for average distance traveling in the year of 2000 rather than they did in the past. Apart from all the popularity of all travel modes, the English traveled more over these years.