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Posts by deremifri
Joined: Dec 25, 2011		 Last Post: Jan 1, 2012
Threads: 9
Posts: 137  

From: Germany

Displayed posts: 146 / page 4 of 4
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deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'in the middle of a war zone' - Common App extra curricular essay [5]

If you apply for a really competitive school you should not use this.
For an average school the approach is o.k., if your scores are good enough.
Maybe you should make the lesson learned part longer or stronger, and you should
somehow say that "of course there are areas where giving everything I've got and being the best
is most natural for me", or something like that.
deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I am an open person' - Stanford- Letter to Roommate [6]

Ah, get it. But the problem is, will the admission office understand the reference?
Something that goes always: I like to have fun, like intellectual discussions.
deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'polyphasic sleep' - MIT Biggest challenge [11]

Yeah, I have thought about the lose yourself thing. Of course it would be possible to just ask the admission office "Do you guys know Eminem", but the office is closed now. Thanks for your feedback.
deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'we live in a very unpredictable world' - the world u come from-MIT essay 250 words [5]

It at times sounds like you are just listing adjectives that make you look like a good and intelligent person that is very concerned about

the important topics. And why is that? Because you are just general. Try to tell one story and explain how that shaped one of your character traits.

By the way, I have an MIT Challenge essay, would be really great if someone checked it out.
deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / The ugly princess. Common App Essay [10]

Really great writing, it really shows your personality.
You should not use masterpiece two times.
do not remember a single day gone by, in my school life, when (first comma is not necessary, I think)
Other than that the progression of idea is really impressing.
deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I am an open person' - Stanford- Letter to Roommate [6]

I will be direct:
You sound at times too focused on yourself.
You should not use get accustomed to it. It makes you sound like someone who would
not be willing to make compromises in your routine.
Also you should try to list your traits in a manner which at the same time relates to how
this traits will make you a great roommate. For example, you could use your love for all kinds of music
to demonstrate that you will get along with anybody.
Just try to be a little nicer.
Concerning the corrections: I do not think that in academic writing you should use we'll instead of we will, but I' m not sure

Concerning the length: Why the towel? It does not make tell anything about your character, except maybe that you are messy, which is maybe not

a good roommate characteristic.

If you like take a look at my essay
deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Life is the most important thing' - Why Major Essay [3]

Quite impressed, it's witty and to the point.
Suggestion:
How did you find out that you knew so little? (Actually I would make the sentence "but I was surprised at how little I knew of something that I cherished so much"

then the tenses are parallel).
deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'more levels to reach' - CALTECH ESSAY [6]

As already mentioned, you should add something that is related to physics.
I personally felt that the beginning was well written, however it does not lead to your conclusion.
Be concise. The story with the greenbook is really interesting, but you should arrive at the end of this story way earlier,
so you can demonstrate how logical thinking brought you to physics.
The way you use "the relevance of mathematics" only distracts.
Another possible fix is to just want to major in mathematics.
Finally I don't feel you have answered the second part of the cornell prompt sufficiently.
So, you can write stilistically very well, but you should maybe plan this essay more with the prompt in mind.

If you still have time, I would be honored if you reviewed my essays.
deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'aerospace engineer' - commonapp personal-umich application [2]

Do you tell a woman that she is your second choice? Well, you should avoid this in applications.
Do not tell them you wanted to be a pilot.
Do not tell them you were not the best at every subject, just tell them about maths and physics.
Explain your love for space, its origins (the thing with your father is fine as a starting point, then you have to develop that thought)

Most of all, I do not see the second part of the prompt (objectives,) and I do not see any explanation for transfering.
I recommend to revise this and post an version that can be corrected for grammar mistakes.
deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'polyphasic sleep' - MIT Biggest challenge [11]

I really feel that this could need some revision and proof-reading,
and it's cut down violently to the word limit.
I am very grateful for everybody who will help me out here.

Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?(*) (200-250 words)

An internal flame started to burn when I first read about polyphasic sleep. By sleeping several times a day, you can reduce your daily sleep to four hours. This idea contradicts common sense and mainstream science, and sounds plain crazy. This impossibility was the source of my motivation.

My first two attempts were distressing failures. Naively, I believed that willpower would suffice for the hard adaptation period. However, I had often trouble to fall asleep or to get out of bed, resulting in sleep deprivation and self-reproaches. Both times flu ended the experiment miserably.

Because it is common to fail several times, I could accept failing once, but after the second failure I was very upset with myself.
Realizing that preparation was necessary, I decided to try one last time.
The following two weeks were like an uninterrupted fight with both Klitschko brothers, you really want to fall down but, if you do, you will not stand up again. I won this fight by increasing my self-discipline through watching inspirational videos, using "Lose yourself" as my alarm and taking cold showers only. I downloaded sleep-meditations, started sleeping on the floor and adopted a get-up-routine. After a month polyphasic sleep was as natural to me as breathing.

Afterwards I learned speed-reading and experimented with lucid dreaming, which is the ability to control your dreams while you sleep.
These experiences allowed me to get a glimpse of the amazingly endless human potential, and they filled me with passion to explore the human mind.
deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The desire to be free' - German needs help with MIT essay [16]

Well, I think that the essay score is generated by a computer, so you have to enjoy it carefully. While I agree that a possible way would be to connect the two thoughts, I cannot see how I do not go in depth since both aspects, intellectual and willpower are part of my concept of freedom. It would be nice if admission 2012 could explain this, but much thanks to all of you guys, anyway.
deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the heat was unbearable' - Richmond University Supplement Essay [11]

So, if you got the guide from college board you should check out the collegeboard online. Then you make an account, then you get to the "my organizer" interface. When you're at this point you should tell me so on my thread, and I will tell you what to do. Besides, you should give me your email, so I can send you some useful links.
deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the heat was unbearable' - Richmond University Supplement Essay [11]

ut.ee/orb.aw/class=file/action=preview/id=281186/GRE+AND+SAT+vocabulary.pdf

Do you have trouble understanding them after you have read the explanation in the solutions?
When it comes to CR, you should really focus on the official SAT practice tests, because some of the other stuff
is sometimes pure nonsense
deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / (culture, language) Tufts Essay: Consider the World Within [4]

OK, here is the thing.
I doubt that it is very smart to put this "even though it was not required". You know, you love languages, so it's only natural that

you take French. Besides, I don't think it is very unusual for High School students to learn for fun.
Moreover, it is your conclusion(kind of), so it shoul be powerful.
2. You should consider to let your first sentence as it was, since it makes the first paragraph related to the second.
3. Do you think you could somehow link these two thoughts? I mean diversity of culture and multiple languages are not that unrelated.
4. You have a great asset: You have taught yourself several languages, so that really shows your love. However, you explain this passion
not good enough. You just say that language is important in a big world, but ask yourself if this is really the reason you love language.

Love has to be something passionate, so it should be an intrinsic motivation.
In addition, you two times realize the importance of language, which is a. redundant, and b. makes it sound technochratic.
Lastly, I don't know if I really understand the prompt, but you should add how culture and language have shaped your outlook on life.

For example, how the diversity you experienced makes you tolerant towards other people, or something like that.

So you really show the "richness of your identity", but if you can just add a little more outlook you can improve this good essay to an outstanding essay,

but just my suggestions.
deremifri   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'my dad's past experiences' - Common app essay [12]

At the end you use two times the word account, and three times life. Try to avoid these repetitions (I suggest for the second "life" "world")

Otherwise it's quite vivid and great.
deremifri   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the heat was unbearable' - Richmond University Supplement Essay [11]

Your essay is really good, honestly.
One thing only:
Do you think your conclusion is strong enough?
You have spend the whole essay using powerful and vivid language successfully
so why do you stop with a rather laid back conclusion?

Regarding the SAT:
Try to get your hands on some practice material which is actually harder than the real SAT, because you don't want to waste your time

practicing questions you have no problems with. Anyway, you should try to do the easy questions fast while practicing so you have more time
for the hard ones.
Also learn, learn and learn vocabulare. I recommend Sparknotes 1000, available on the internet. This will really improve your score.
This is basically what I did, and I got 2330 on December. (Not bragging, just proving my point :)
deremifri   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a maroon elephant' - Johns Hopkins- Additional Interests [20]

The really, really great thing about your essay is that it goes beyond the link to your culture and shows also some of your other admirable characteristics.

I would use this to somehow make the conclusion a little more universal by adding a reference to your universal character traits.

By the way, I have lost all dignity and will start to beg:
please, please have a look at my essay (it's not long and you will get a candy bar...eventually)
deremifri   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / NYC, Ms. Clark, High-Five, HEOP Scholars - Barnard replies [7]

I don't think that the introduction is perfect. You don't say explicitly how the journal relates to the person. You could make the connection by stating something like "My writing is influenced by Ms.Clark", but otherwise your essay is quite powerful.
deremifri   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / ('my friends, teachers, and family respect me') MIT- Personality attribute [4]

This is really well written, since you can really feel the pride and the will to stat true to your morals.
However, MIT is a college where there will be parties, so I don't know if your essay could sound judgemental to the admission office,

who is looking for open-minded people. The problem comes mainly from "where bad things happen". You should explain why you consider
these things (I assume you mean drinking alcohol) to be bad. While the admission office will surely appreciate your stong will they like to know what

makes you think alcohol is bad.
But again, the writing style is superb.
deremifri   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I come from Kosova' - Stanford Supp - dear roomate [5]

I somehow agree with noobzilla on the humor part.
You are writing to your roommate who is the same age (o.k. you are actually writing to 50 year old admission officers, but you have to pretend)

So, the perfect mix is the following:
On the surface you are trying to tell your roommate why you will be a good companion.
If you manage at the same time to convey that you will be a great college student, then it will be just great.
You could try something like this:
Although I look serious I am a very funny person (I will laught at all your jokes.)
Another thing is the line :
I try to keep in touch with the latest advancements in that field
This sounds a little bit to0, you know, formal and unoriginal.
And you could add a sentence on how you interact with other people generally.
But these are just some suggestions, generally a really descriptive and not too serious essay.
I especially liked the lucid dreaming passage.
deremifri   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Public Speaking' - MIT busy life / Activity for pleasure [3]

First off, as an applicant to the same school I wish you good luck.

My advice:

1. public speaking is an activity that I do for the pleasure of it
I recommend not to repeat something out of the essay prompt since it's not very creative.
In addition, you have already said it with "not because I have to, but because I want to.", which actually
should be something stronger like "because I love it"
2.Again repetition with "sleeping in on Saturday morning's", which I would not list as an activity that you give up. (It makes you sound lazy)

3. Try to descrie what you exactly like about public speaking:
for example something like "All my efforts are rewarded when I experience the thrill of speaking and getting applause from people I have never seen before.

or "I simply love the intellectual exercise and the open-mindedness you get from considering a thing from different perspectives"

Hope I could help

By the way,
if you have time you can review my efforts also under german needs help
deremifri   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The desire to be free' - German needs help with MIT essay [16]

I applying to MIT from german and need a little bit of helping.
Please not be so critical, because my English is not well.
Seriously guys, I at times struggle with the right words and would appreciate any form of feedback very much
since my ear is not really trained to English essays.

The task is:

What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about. (*) (200-250 words)

The desire to be free is the core of my personality. Please wait a second before you toss my application into the "takes-himself-too-seriously" trash can and let me explain.

Freedom is the autonomy of the mind, which means two things for me.
Firstly, I am always critical about established opinions and open to new ideas in order to grasp the world intellectually. Working at the "Bahnhofsmission", I poured out coffee and chatted with homeless. These people demonstrated to me that, contrary to conventional wisdom, it is not money that makes you peaceful, but the knowledge that you own yourself.

Similarly, I learned much about cultural misunderstandings when I took part in a movie project that explored the difficult relationship between Jewish and Muslim teenagers by letting them talk with each other.

These experiences give me clearness of mind, but they also make me push the boundaries of my knowledge, be it through reading, talking or experiencing things myself.

Secondly, I push my willpower to new limits.
As part of this endeavor I did 3 years of boxing, took part in a marathon team, , and switched to a polyphasic sleep schedule. When I succeed at these things, I feel the seemingly endless power of mind.

By attaining those feelings often enough I will hopefully eventually become free and just be what I deep down really want to be. Since this is the most unique and wonderful state of mind I consider the passion for freedom the best part of me.

Since I still have to write tons of essays I am now hyperventilating, so you could do a good dead by helping me.
I now will start to review some of the other essays here...

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