Undergraduate / UPenn optional essay- tell us about you [10]

Optional short essay (approximately 150 words): introduce yourself to Penn. Our aim is to better understand how your identity, talents, and background guide your day-to-day experiences.

I wrote two different versions for my prompt let me know which one you think is better
I'm also not sure if my apporach to this prompt actually answers the question and makes sense. Should I just be straightforward and talk about me? Any hellp would be appreciated thanks!

Four pieces of corkboard strategically placed to form a diamond shape adorn a wall of my yellow room. On the bottom most piece the makeshift bulletin board one can find old faded "Pearl Before Swine" comic strips and a ticket from the Harry Potter and the Death Hollows Part Two midnight show. Underneath is a flyer from a Maroon 5 concert. On the adjoining corkboard is a thank you card from the nurses at JFK Hospital along with the doodle of a bird. A used, slightly ripped boarding pass to Kyoto abuts an email address scribbled on notebook paper, this email belongs to Ai, a Japanese boarding school student. Also on the makeshift bulletin board is a picture of a girls soccer team. Throughout the bulletin board are random doodles several old paper snowflakes and friendship bracelets. Clumsily yet somewhat artfully placed on this bulletin board are pieces of the last 17 years of my life.

Four pieces of corkboard strategically placed to form a diamond shape adorn a wall of the yellow room. Clumsily yet somewhat artfully placed is a picture of a girl's soccer team, a used, slightly ripped boarding pass to Tokyo, a thank you card from the JFK Hospital's 3 East A staff, and several faded Pearl Before Swine comic strips. Underneath the collage is a bookshelf with every one of Jane Austen's novels and leaned up against it is a beautiful acoustic guitar. On the other side lies a desk piled with textbooks, folders and binders, next to them lies a laptop and a mug filled with 20 different kinds of writing utensils and a candy cane. A neatly made bed sharply contrasts with the clothes and scarves strewn across the chair and a closet with a curtain instead of rolling doors lies slightly exposed. My room scattered with the things that matter to me and traces of the life I lead.

Undergraduate / 'visited Japan earlier the summer' - Diversity 2nd choice for common app essay [2]

I realize it starts a bit abruptly I have two choices for my common app essay
I'd appreciate any comments! thank you!

Having visited Japan earlier the summer before the tsunami hit I felt a closer connection to the terrible destruction that had engulfed Japan. While there I was introduced to a vibrant culture with hard working people and warm hospitality. I knew I had to do something for those people who had welcomed me with open arms and refrained from mocking my lack of chopstick prowess. After a few failed ideas I decided to hold a cricket and basketball tournament to raise money for relief in Japan. Hours of time spent gathering sponsors, advertising, creating teams, and organizing other logistical details culminated on April 9, 2011.

At first a few people showed up with their cricket bats and balls in tow, then a few more with basketballs, some people brought lacrosse sticks and soccer balls, slowly the event began to grow and the games began. While it was not surprising to see a basketball tournament, it was surprising to note that more people were there to play cricket than basketball. Everyone from teenagers to parents were here to play, umpire, or just watch cricket and a large number of these people had never played cricket until the day of the tournament. Parents who had met for the first time bonded over hot chai and homemade cupcakes while taking in the surprisingly intense cricket tournament. Younger children found joy in throwing water-balloons at the cricket and basketball players, others talked, threw lacrosse balls around or kicked around a soccer ball. Regardless of what they were doing everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves and were here to show their support for the relief efforts in Japan.

I watched as the cricket ball flew from someone's hand, he had never played cricket before but was great for his first time. On the other side of me one could hear the swoosh of a basketball falling through the net and a lacrosse ball flew past me. Here diversity was truly brought together, a diversity of activity, a diversity of age, a diversity of food, a diversity of people all came together to support a country half way across the world.

That day we raised about six hundred dollars; although this was not a large amount it has given me the drive to continue my efforts to raise money for relief efforts across the world. Looking back at that event I realized the people of Japan had once again given me something worth much more than I could ever give back: the realization that when diversity is brought together there can be magic.

Undergraduate / 'I didn't even have to think' - Common app-failure [3]

This is my common app essay, It needs a lot of work and is pretty short
I would appreciate any feed back!

The mission? To transform our incredibly drab and unattractive cafeteria into a beautiful, enchanting undersea paradise fit for homecoming with one hundred dollars, four people and a week. We painstakingly measured and taped large sheets of paper and then layered them with black and purple sheets to create a more three-dimensional underwater-scape. As I carefully created brown strokes on the soon to become sunken ship I thought about how I ended up here.

(seven months earlier)

I didn't even have to check the list, I knew. This is was it. Never again would I feel my legs burn as I sprinted across the field, my name would never be announced at the start of a game along with the rest of my varsity teammates, never again would I come home so sore and exhausted from practice that it hurt to sit down, never again would I enjoy long bus rides gossiping, discussing team strategies and eating every snack in sight. Never again would I play a sport.

My junior year I was cut from two sports, soccer and lacrosse. While I had only played lacrosse for a year I had played soccer since third grade. I had always played a sport and now I would be playing none. I wasn't accustomed to failure and I was completely beaten to have failed twice in one year. Suddenly I felt purposeless, sure I still had school work, and volunteering at various places but I missed playing a sport and being a part of a group of people. So on a whim, I applied to be apart of the Student Council's Publicity Committee. I was accepted.

At our first meeting I wasn't sure what to expect, there would be three other students working along with me and we were responsible for all posters, flyers and decorations. At the time all we knew was that we had a lot of work ahead of us.

Seventy-seven dollars, fives days, an entire night, and 133 feet of paper later we had finally completed the task. I watched my fellow publicity members tape giant sheets of paper to the white cafeteria walls and realized this is where I belong. Out of a seemingly lost opportunity I found something else to be passionate about. A friend once asked me "I you were given the choice to be a part of student council again would you still do it despite all the work?", I didn't even have to think, "definitely."

Undergraduate / 'I love music.' - Yale - tell us something we don't already know [5]

This is part of my yale supplement for the question:
1. You have already told us about yourself in the Common Application, with its list of activities, Short Answer, and Personal Essay. In this required second essay, tell us something that you would like us to know about you that we might not get from the rest of your application - or something that you would like a chance to say more about. Please limit your essay to fewer than 500 words.

i'd really appreciate your input and be critical!
thanks :)
oh and I will take the time to read your essay as well!

I love music. There is no other way I can put it. I love listening to it, I love playing it, and I love singing it. Music is a form of art anyone can relate to, you don't need to study it to truly appreciate it; you just need to listen to it.

It's such a simple concept, pluck a few strings, tap in a constant beat, its just sound; yet at the same time music is so complex. A simple variation in the rhythm or beat can make the song wholly different. To me music conveys emotion, it controls emotion, it's soothing and its therapeutic. In some sense one could say music is my best friend. Not that I don't have my own friends but music is always there to bring comfort or to support me in moments of joy. It's like magic; it's such an intangible concept yet it makes everyone seem tangible. Someone whom you've never met can make you feel as they did in a certain moment of their life, during an experience you may have never even had. It is a universal language and even more extraordinary music doesn't even need to have words to convey an emotion.

My love for music is not a secret, if someone hears music in my room they can be certain that's exactly where I am. Anything from the Killers to Yiruma's beautiful piano styling can be heard from my room at all times of the day. Despite my love for music I don't play an instrument, very well that is. I've had a few remedial piano classes as a second grader, but my stubborn second grade self refused to practice and convinced my parents that these lessons were a waste of money. Thankfully I picked up enough during those few classes to attempt to teach myself songs on the piano. During my spare time I enjoy watching "Youtube" tutorials or "googling" music sheets to a song I may be interested in learning. The ability to create music is powerful to me and I hope to become proficient enough soon. Recently I've also begun to teach myself the guitar, I've learned all the notes, I can pluck quite well, but strumming is still an obstacle. That's just a small detail though, I am determined to learn the guitar and the piano because creating music even more powerful than listening to it.

Undergraduate / Cornell engineering essay-- Why being an engineer appeals to me [5]

College of Engineering:
Engineers turn ideas (technical, scientific, mathematical) into reality. Tell us about an engineering idea you have or your interest in engineering. Explain how Cornell Engineering can help you further explore this idea or interest.

(I'm not sure what word to put in the blank)

Before discovering the field of engineering I was certain I wanted to become a doctor. From volunteering at JFK Medical Hospital to helping out at a local adult day care center, helping people has always been something I've enjoyed and I believed being a doctor was the best way I could accomplish this goal. That is, until I was introduced to the possibilities of gene therapy at a summer program at Robert Wood Johnson Medical School. At the Summer Science Scholar's Program I worked with two other students to create a hypothetical clinical trial for a treatment for x-linked severe combined immunodeficiency syndrome, otherwise known as x-scid. This disease usually results in an early death and there is little hope for those diagnosed. As we researched possible treatments for this extremely rare and deadly disease we came across germ-line gene therapy, which we believed could prove effective. Using medical journals and information from previous attempts to treat this disease we developed a treatment plan which involved genetic manipulation of the faulty ligand in the sex cell. We hypothesized that the use of germ-line gene therapy as opposed to somatic gene therapy could possibly eradicate x-scid altogether. Unfortunately we could only discuss this idea in theory due to a lack of facilities and degrees in biological engineering.

With the vast opportunities available at Cornell University I hope to expand my knowledge and grasp of the engineering field enough so that I can someday implement my own solutions and ideas. At Cornell not only will I have the advantage of a strong curriculum but I will also be able to apply my knowledge through realistic applications. Through the co-op program, study abroad program and numerous research opportunities, and organizations such as Engineers Without Borders I will make my knowledge useful to the average person. Also Cornell's minor in biomedical engineering would expose me to the numerous possibilities available in the field of medicine and engineering. A large engineering program means numerous state of the art facilities, a myriad of research opportunities in all fields of engineering, and a broader understanding. Being able to apply my knowledge and knowing that I can start to make a difference while still pursuing my undergraduate degree is exciting. Engineers find solutions; they create; they make a difference. I too would like to be an engineer.