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Posts by TheN3094
Joined: Dec 29, 2011
Last Post: Dec 30, 2011
Threads: 4
Posts: 16  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 20
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TheN3094   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Talented students / Science work / Study growth' - GWU+ honor Supplements [5]

Your essays are indeed very strong. Referring to your question on whether your 2nd essay still works with the prompt does go with the prompt but I might kinda make a time when one moral of yours was challenged. I feel like it was talking about how yes there are many things that shouldn't be done but not clear of your own experience. Other than that I think you would be set. :)

Oh and thank you for helping me out on my UVA essay earlier. I posted an updated version using your suggestions. I would love it if you read it one more time.

thank youu. :D
TheN3094   
Dec 30, 2011
Graduate / Diversity Essay for PhD programme (USA) [4]

Your essay definitely has a point that is made straight across. You stick to the prompt, describe what makes the community underrepresented and struggling.
I say you've got a pretty solid essay right there.
I couldn't really find any flaws. :)

CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME WITH MY ESSAYS TOO? My deadline is also Jan. 1st! Thank yoouuuu. :))))
TheN3094   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'connection with the song' - UVA Arts and sciences common app essay [3]

Prompt:What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way?
Any help is greatly appreciated. Thank youuuuuuu. :))))

During the mid 1900's the civil rights movement was in full throttle and it was as if the whole country was holding its breath because of the uncertainty of the future. Sam Cooke's "A change is gonna come" is not only number twelve on Rolling Stone's 500 Greatest Songs of All Time but it was meant to be an inspiring song for struggling African Americans. Lyrics such as "then I go to my brother, and I say brother help me please. But he winds up knocking me back down on my knees" portrays how the African Americans reached out for the help and support of other citizens but instead of a helping hand received a cold shoulder. This surprised me because even though we learn about the civil right's movement we don't get the sense of all the pain and frustration that many African Americans went through and Mr. Cooke's voice conveys this with great pathos.

I had an immediate connection with the song due to a personal experience of being treated differently because of my ethnicity. Being from a very diverse high school I was lead to believe that racism was mostly a thing of the past, but I was soon corrected. During my freshman year my soccer team traveled to a distant, unheard of high school in the western part of Virginia. As the game began tension began to surface, the opposing team, which wasn't nearly as diverse, began throwing out racial slurs. Comments such as "You're in America now speak English!" were said. I was appalled at what I was hearing; I simply couldn't believe how teenagers just like me could be so cruel for no reason other than the difference of skin tone. Therefore, when I heard the words " It's been a long, a long time coming but I know a change gon' come" I knew that the long sought after change was still in progress and that it was up to the every generation to continues to get rid of the ignorance of the past.
TheN3094   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / What I hope to EXPERIENCE by attending SVU (Southern Virginia University essay) [2]

I think you should change to you hope you will find people who will accept you for who you are instead of saying that you hope to find that EVERYONE will accept your moral standards because not everyone will agree completely with what you think, even if its a mormon school.

Also change the are to is in: everyone are entitled, and forgiveness are gained.
change the are to is in: what is my true.
TheN3094   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Math kicked me off my pedestal' - Common App Essay [3]

ooooo I like it. lol.
I think your main idea is good, you have a voice in there so that is also good.
I just caught a few minor errors in there:
"My good spirits didn't last long, though." could sound better if you said However,...
You could probably combine "I associated all my dreams and goals with that class. I believed that my college admissions relied on that class. It was crazy, but I had to get into that class." into one sentence because they are saying the same thing.

and "I has to stay" to had to stay.
other than that I think its pretty good.

PLEASE HELP ME ON MY ESSAY!!!! deadline is 2 days away! thank youuuuu. :))))
TheN3094   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'A young professional couple's daughter' - William & Mary supplemental essay [3]

Prompt: We know that nobody fits neatly into 500 words or less, but you can provide us with some suggestion of the type of person you are. Anything goes! Inspire us, impress us or just make us laugh. Think of this optional opportunity as show and tell by proxy and with an attitude.

I wanted my essay to show where I come from and how it has influenced who I am today but also who I want to be in the future. I know it is useful to talk about your intended major but I'm applying as undecided so I wasn't really sure how to use that. Any help is welcome. Thank youuuu. :D

I am the daughter of a young professional couple with an established life but I'm also the daughter of a struggling couple who works low income jobs and continues to fight for the future of their children. I am a hybrid. I was born and raised in Cochabamba, Bolivia for almost the entire first decade of my existence. During that time I lived a peaceful and joyful life surrounded by a large loving family, attended an excellent private school, and lived in a lovely single family home. That fairy tale was brought to an abrupt end when news came that my father's employers were going out of business. Time was running out and decisions, large decisions, had to be made. Next thing I knew we were waving goodbye to a crowed of teary loved ones through an airplane window. The next decade wasn't as easy as the first one; several sacrifices had to be made.

With the introduction to a new world my parents were now limited and had no choice but to accept hard labor jobs, my brother and I had to grow up without that tight-knit family feel, and we all had to adjust to the new ways of American culture. As the years went by and the magnitude of the sacrifice that was done for me sunk in I realized that it was up to me to make sure it wasn't wasted. This motivation shaped me into a down-to-earth, hard-working girl but overall someone who values both sides of her story.

Witnessing both sides of the coin has made me very aware of the world beyond my living room but I continue to face the world with a smile. I take full advantage of each opportunity that is given to me, I relish simple moments such as playing a board game with my mom, and I especially enjoy volunteering in several non-profit organizations and local businesses. Because I enjoy these things I see myself focusing all my experiences and motivation into my college career to not only excel in my studies but to go the extra mile and use my acquired education to make a difference in both my new community and my old one back in Bolivia. I may enjoy playing soccer, baking a cake here and there, but giving back to the ones who have helped me has always been an important part of who I am.
TheN3094   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Brave New World and perfect society' - Common Application Topic of your choice [6]

I like your essay, it is well written and you get the point across but it seems just a little too repetitive. You keep mentioning how without choices and emotions we aren't really human and its not worth it. I'm not really sure what the prompt its because I haven't looked at topic 6 yet but maybe you could elaborate a little more out of that area. Other than that you do explain the book very well. :)

PLEASE HELP ME ON MY ESSAYs. I am also using the common app but mine is a supplemental essays. I would return the favor with any other essay you want looked at. Thank youuuuuu. :)))))
TheN3094   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Preparation for diploma and the real world' - UVA personal essay [14]

Thank you for all the responses. I know that the essays are suppose to be about you and that is what my other essays are bout. I planned on using this for the common app under "own topic" and it was actually personalized for UVA but then I realized I couldn't personalize it for my other colleges so I took out the personalizations. Anyways I'm applying as undecided so I can't really say much about my intended major because I don't know where I'm going for sure. =/

I actually think this says something about my personality because its fun and creative like me. :)
again, thank you for all your help.
TheN3094   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / UVA Supplement essay "Work of art that has surprised or unsettled you" [3]

Heyy I'm doing that essay too! and its also about a song. lol.

Well I really like how you described the note and sound. It really takes you there but I also don't really get a sense of a connection. Other than that it is very well written. :))))

PLEASE HELP ME ON MY UVA ESSAYS! I'm sure u know the deadline is sooo close! :((((
TheN3094   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Way to learn / Staten Island / Horrible language' - Tufts Supplements [8]

Well I like your ideas, especially the calculus one. On the first one I think its pretty good and within word limit.
2nd one: I like how you include examples but it is all very jumpy. You go from talking about how they sent you to China to talking about piano and then your teacher. It needs an easier flow. Maybe it would help to narrow down your subjects and focus on those you pick.

3rd: when you say "I woke up and got dress myself with whatever" I think you meant I woke up and dressed myself. other than that I think your good. :)

OH AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP ON MY UVA ICE CREAM ESSAY. PLEASE HELP ME ON MY UPDATED VERSION!!!!!! I had to change it because I hadn't realized that I couldn't make it so customized to one school if I was going to send it to multiple schools. Thank youuuuuu!!!!!! :))))
TheN3094   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Preparation for diploma and the real world' - UVA personal essay [14]

tateezi
Thank you guys! :D I literally had a big smile on my face when I read your comments. :)
Um yes I checked the supplement and it does require essays but I had already written essays for those so I thought I should use this one for my other one. :)))

Also for the sentence that you say does flow...I put that in there to kinda wrap it up with a connection to what my father did back then to how it relates to what he does now. Does it really not make sense? How do you think I could change it? =/ I still appreciate all your help tho! Thank you sooooo much! :]

OMG! so if I make this my personal essay I can't upload a different version for another college!? :O
oh noooo. :(((((
I would write another essay but this one is just so good that I really don't want to get rid of it. :(
do you suppose it would work if I found a way to exclude the name of the college?
TheN3094   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Enrichment program and 'unique' solution' - BU Supplement - Diversity [13]

Heyy! I like ur essay! very good point made. (i'm from a very diverse community so I've seen this first hand how different it is when you go to a non diverse community).

anyways its a pretty good essay but I think you spend a bit too much time explaining what the activity required you to do instead of what your realization was. Maybe you could include a part of a possible solution that a more diverse group could have presented instead of just pondering the idea. Also you said raising seniors, I think its suppose to be rising seniors? Other than that a pretty good essay. :)

PLEASE HELP ME ON MY ESSAYS!!!! DEADLINE IS IN 2 DAYS!!!! thank youuuuuu! :)))))
TheN3094   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "History did condemn those who kept quiet" - Princeton University [7]

I agree with the above post. It is a very well written essay but personally I would like a little bit more of you in there. Maybe say what kind of change you would like to accomplish and how the quote relates to this. Other than than your set. :)

PLEASE HELP WITH MY ESSAYS. THE DEADLINE IS IN 2 DAYS!!! thank youuuuu. :)))
TheN3094   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Preparation for diploma and the real world' - UVA personal essay [14]

Well the common app gives you many choices and I thought I would put this under "own topic". Do you think its a good idea? I kinda wanted to use it because its a fun little essay that kinda shows my personality and also shows why I wan't to go to that college. ANY HELP IS GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!!!

To me the University of Virginia is like the ultimate sundae that you only seem to find in one ice cream shop in the world. How is the university similar to a sundae you may ask? The answer is quite simple. Like any good sundae it contains three different ice cream scoops, UVA contains three different top qualities. It has a challenging, well planned curriculum, a staff that is well prepared and more than willing to help you reach your goals to graduate, and a beautiful, well equipped campus. The fluffy, sweet whipped topping of those three scoops is the unimaginable pride and love that each student feels for the University of Virginia. All the positive energy that the student body emits is so overwhelmingly captivating that it's practically impossible to resist the urge to one day call yourself a Cavalier. The cherry on top of this sundae is just as small, but it is so important that any sundae just wouldn't be a sundae without it. This cherry is a diploma. UVA works from the ground up to help you reach that day that you proudly receive your diploma and graduate. Not only does it prepare you for your diploma, but it also prepares you for the real world, whether that be in Virginia or some other part of the globe. So you see, like the ultimate sundae, you can never find another "University of Virginia" out there no matter how hard or how far you look.
TheN3094   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'exploring the opposing interests' - Stanford letter to roommate... need to reduce length. [4]

I like it, its friendly and not overly friendly. In terms of reducing it I think you could probably do without this sentence "Obviously, Stanford is not a place that is going around accepting students who have not proven this in some way or another, and that is one of the reasons I am so excited to be a student there." He should know that Stanford is very prestigious and that most, if not all, the students love to learn. Also maybe you could combine some of the things you hope to have in common to shorten it a bit. Other than that its pretty good. :)

oh and congrats on being accepted! One of my friends got accepted to Stanford too; maybe he's your new roomate. haha.

PLEASE HELP ME ON MY ESSAYS THE DEADLINE IS 2 DAYS AWAY. thank youuuuuu. :D
TheN3094   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'A finished melody' - Why Connecticut College? [2]

I like your comparison because you are comparing it to something that was meaningful to you but that's what you need to work on. Show how it was meaningful and explain why the college is the one for you and why you belong there. Also the first 2 sentences are kinda repetitive, they are basically saying the same thing.

Other than that I think it's pretty good. :)

PLEASE HELP ME WITH MINE. MINE IS DUE IN A 2 DAYS!!!!! thank you. :)
TheN3094   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Peer Evaluation for Davidson [2]

I think its good that you include a sense of all the love you feel for your friend and examples of how close you are but I think you might want to include some of her academic establishments and good habits. After all it is a college. Also when you are mentioning her flaws maybe you should tone it down a bit because you make it sound like she has a serious problem with anxiety over small stuff. You can say something like yea she over worries over things but include how she uses it in a positive way. I guess you can think of it as a small brag sheet for your BFF. :)

PLEASE HELP ME WITH MY ESSAY. THE DEADLINE IS IN 3 DAYS. :))))))
TheN3094   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Why Upenn - Upenn Supplement 500 word essay [9]

Its a good essay, it catches your attention, but when you start talking about how your no hercules or you're no jasper Cullen you might want to combine those two statements so that they flow more easily. Also I think by saying you guess your useful you don't sound very useful. You should put a little more confidence and some examples of how you are useful but without sounding cocky.

Another thing, in the beginning "it instills in me a sense of adventure" I think you meant installs?

Please help me on my essay. Its under Hispanic Scholarship Fund extracurricular activity essay: giving back to the HYI.
THANK YOU!:)
TheN3094   
Dec 29, 2011
Scholarship / Hispanic Scholarship Fund extracurricular activity essay: Giving back to the HYI [6]

Ok so this is my essay about my participation in the Hispanic Youth Symposium.
Describe your participation in extracurricular activities.
What have you learned from your experience(s)?

Please answer this essay question (400 to 600 words).

One of the most memorable activities I've been involved in is my continuing participation in the Hispanic Youth Institute, first as a student and later as an alumna. As a student the program allowed me to meet many Hispanic teens from all over Virginia, Maryland, and even some students from Michigan. With the program's emphasis on how important it is to pursue a career, I was able to learn multiple ways of how to get closer to those dreams, network with successful professionals, and acquire valuable resources for my future. Not only did it reinforce the importance of college, but it also strengthened a special bond, that we could all feel for one another. We began as complete strangers who were used to putting up walls and obstacles to keep everyone out, but by the end of the program we were all one big family who shared the same dream to not be just another statistic. As the summer reached its last weeks and with the new school year being around the corner, I found myself more motivated than I had ever been to stay focused on school and to spread the word about how hard work and perseverance can make any goal an achievable one. After that wonderful experience I was more than willing to go back and lend a helping hand the following summer as an alumna.

As an alumna volunteer all I wanted to do was give back to the program that meant so much to me and to the community, I knew needed as much help as I once did. I knew how it was to lose sight of what is truly important so I recognized that I had to help make a difference in the student's lives. It took long hours from early mornings to late nights, several cross campus walks, and various errands under 90 degree heat, but I couldn't have asked for a better outcome. As each day passed I witnessed students open up and begin to build the powerful connection with the program that brought me back. On the last day of the program all the students simply couldn't stop mentioning how much they had learned, how much they loved being part of the program, but most important of all how much their mind had opened up to the importance and the real possibility of college. It was then that I realized that all the hard work was more than worth it to see how the students opened their eyes to a great future. Being part of the "behind-the-scenes" of the program for the first time also opened up a new door for me; it established my desire to continue encouraging my fellow teens to not give up on their future and to keep on helping them down the road, even if we're both learning at the same time.
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