Undergraduate / Experience at children's drop-in center - Washington University at St. Louis [4]

Hi! Here's my second essay for Washington University at St. Louis. Please let me know if this essay answers the prompt. Any advice on the content, grammar, sentence structure and my approach with this essay?

Short answer: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

I sat on a miniature stool next to a 9-year-old girl as she attempted to write her biodata in English. But she stopped when it came to her birthdate and admitted, "I don't know."

She was just one of the children that I had the privilege to meet when I volunteered at Nur Salam. As a 24-hour drop-in and activity center for disadvantages kids, we received about 50 children daily - who were trafficked, refugees, from single-home parents or with unfit parents involved with prostitution, drug abuse and criminality. With no official identification documents, many were deprived of school.

I was there to teach them basic English and Malay languages and organize educational programs ranging from story-telling to art and craft sessions. While I hoped I had served them well, simply watching them in their daily endeavors revealed their high spirits and optimism in face of adversity. And I saw it when I looked into her eyes, smiled and said "It's okay, let's answer the next one - your hobbies?"

Undergraduate / 'wide array of opportunities' - transferring & my objectives - Washington Uni [4]

Hi! Here's my essay for Washington University at St.Louis. (please note: this is for my first-choice school and it's a reach for me because it's a very competitive school. I'm still trying though, cause I love this school.. and I don't think this essay does it any justice.)

Please comment on anything you find I should work on - sentence structure, writing style, grammar, content. Do I answer the prompt?
I really want to improve. I appreciate honest and constructive criticism.
This is the only school that I'm applying to that uses common app, so is it okay that I personalized this essay for Wash U?

Thank you, and I'll be glad to return the favor!

Personal Statement: Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

"Congratulations! You have received a Public Service Department Scholarship to study International Business at the Nottingham University, Malaysian campus."
At that moment, I knew. After all those months I spent soul-searching; this was a moment of clarity when I knew when I wanted to pursue. And it was not international business studies.

My plan to transfer to a United States institution began when I decided on psychology, and my decision came from a discovery of an inclination I believe I have always had. An innate introverted nature has always centered my interest upon my own mental life; rich with its own thoughts, beliefs and ideas. Growing up, this focus deepened as I was battling a low self-esteem. It affected my every action, spoke as a deafening voice in my head, and glared back whenever I looked into the mirror. However, my reflective and persistent character led me to find meaning in the challenges I faced. The most profound journey through my own inner realm eventually ensued. I began to appreciate the human spirit, and view the world through a lens of compassion and empathy. This experience revealed to me my passion for the human psyche. I discovered psychology.

Ever since William James, who famously said "the first lecture on psychology I ever heard being the first I ever gave", the teaching of psychology has become an integral part of universities in the United States. There, at the other end of the world from me, psychology is made up of inspired individuals, who strive for psychological inquiry and collaborative research, and see its potential and applications within and beyond the field. More than anything, I dreamed to a part of it.

At Washington University, I see myself achieving this dream. From establishing personal contacts with psychologists, professors and peers, to forming group affiliations with the Psi Chi and community service groups on campus - I have a chance to integrate and network with highly motivated individuals. In the positive psychology movement, there are prospects for me to further deepen my comprehension and captivation with the concepts of flow, personal strength and human virtues - by taking related courses or even getting involved in undergraduate research under the supervision of Professor Randall Larsen, a pioneer in the science of happiness. Whether I muse over the workings of a placebo effect or join in on the age old question of the power of the mind over matter - the Philosophy-Neuroscience-Psychology (PNP) program gives me an exciting multidisciplinary approach to study the mind. During my senior year, I aim to partake in the rigorous Honors program, which will aid in my preparation for graduate school. Also, I am eager to peruse the university's extensive course catalog to uncover even more interests and to be exposed to a well-rounded education as well a broad based grasp in psychology. I feel that achieving expertise in the field will not just provide me the necessary skills and knowledge, but also a platform to share the gift of psychology with others in my own way. Ultimately, as I continue to grow and solidify my identity, I hope to find my niche within psychology to eventually specialize in and contribute to.

These wide array of opportunities presented at Washington University are almost inconceivable in my country. I have experienced its limitations when I was offered a path in business instead of psychology, because there was no scholarly area distinguished for its professional study. In the end, the words that informed me of an alternate path to the one I wanted were the same words that forced me to look beyond geographical boundaries to passionately pursue psychology.

Undergraduate / Educational interest - psychology, future goals and plans (U of Minnesota) [3]

Hi!

This essay is for my application to the University of Minnesota. (Deadline March 1st)
Please do give me honest feedback on the content, grammar, writing style and anything you find worth commenting about. I appreciate all the feedback. I've contemplated long and hard before posting my essay here.. so please go easy on me!

Thank you for reading this! I will most certainly return the favor if you want me to! :)

This is the essay question: In English, describe your educational interests and goals and what your plans are for when you return to your home country. Please include an explanation of why you would like to study the major you have selected.

This is my essay:

"One more time...," and she pieced through my skin with a fine needle, leaving my face throbbing in protest. A tear almost escaped my eye, but I clumsily pressed my eye lids shut in time to stop them from rolling. I was there by choice. I was at a skin care treatment center. And the lady hovering over me was working on my face, attempting to clear my clogged pores.

It was another try at treating my acne, when actually my problems were beyond skin deep. The physical discomfort I endured through those fruitless treatment sessions, were nothing compared to the mental agony I felt when I was in the presence of others, or worse, when I was left alone with my own negative thoughts. However, the inner discovery that eventually ensued was well worth the pain.

Battling a debilitating low self-esteem, I incessantly observed and analyzed myself in relation to others. And thanks to my introverted nature, I was so focused on my own inner realm, which further separated me from the outside world of human engagement and expectations. Perhaps this detachment was exactly what I needed, as I was unknowingly unraveling my own passions for the study of the human mind and behaviors. I discovered psychology. *As I was motivated to understand myself, I was thereby inspired to study the human psyche.

To me, a career is a way to contribute. I want to give the gift of psychology to people; to help them understand themselves and others, in the same way psychology has done for me. I want to use psychology as a means to help people think, feel and act in ways that can best benefit them. Having taken several psychology and research-oriented courses in college has further deepened my interest and solidified my aim to major in psychology. So I plan to use the rest of my undergraduate years to learn and thoroughly explore the boundless field of psychology. The broad based focus at University of Minnesota; from cognitive and brain sciences to psychometrics and quantitative methods, will give me strong foundation in psychology. I also aim to partake in the Honors program as I understand it to be a rigorous training ground with challenging courses and personalized attention to guide me through my major. Beyond the classes and coursework, I wish to participate in undergraduate research offered by the university. It would not only give me the much needed research experience by working one on one with a professor, but also the opportunity to publish a paper in the university's own undergraduate journal of psychology, the Sentience. These steps are important to me because it will allow me to find my niche, my own place in this field, that I hope to eventually specialize in at the graduate level.

Coming from Malaysia, there is a clear stigma associated with psychology in the mindset of the people here. A psychologist is equated to treating mental illnesses and not much else, and psychology itself is a relatively recent field. Lacking a governing and licensing body, my country has a long way to go in establishing psychology as a professional career. In propelling a change, I intend to lead by practice. I plan to not just return to my home country to serve as a psychologist, but also as an advocate for the use and appreciation of psychological knowledge in everyday life.

I have come far from the days when I was at the mercy of my skin. I even went on to see dermatologists to receive professional help. They treated what they saw, but what I needed to see was the person inside, who had dreams and aspirations that far surpassed what meets the eye. I'm glad I looked within, because I now look at the world around me through a lens of unparalleled compassion and empathy; as well as a deep-seated appreciation for the human spirit and all that it is capable of.

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The part parked ** - not sure about the sentence. It sounds awkward there, so I might remove it. But it sort of acts as a thesis statement. I'm not sure...

Thank you for reading!! :)