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Posts by dreamer
Joined: Feb 26, 2012
Last Post: Mar 20, 2012
Threads: 3
Posts: 18  


Displayed posts: 21
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dreamer   
Mar 20, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Language piqued my interest ' - Personal Satement. Linguistics. [26]

Hi Menuka! I apologize for not being on this site for awhile. I fell sick, I think it has something to do with all the application stress lol cause the timing was just perfect :/

Anyway, I see chalumeau has done a great job here! After reading through this thread, I don't think I can help much more. I feel that with each revision, apart from the minor sentence adjustments, your story gets more refined.

All the best!! :)
And chalumeau, wow - keep up the great work! :)
dreamer   
Mar 14, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Language piqued my interest ' - Personal Satement. Linguistics. [26]

Hi again! It is looking better and better, I must say!

A few minor comments:
"My dream of exploring languages and my want to preserve it cannot be achieved here, in Nepal where Linguistics is not offered at any university." - Should the comma come after ... cannot be achieved here in Nepal, where...

Also, is there a reason why Linguistics is capitalized? If it is an area of study, I don't think you need to capitalize it.

Hm.. I have read it about three times and I can't seem to find anything wrong with it. This is a good solid essay.

Good luck!
dreamer   
Mar 11, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Language piqued my interest ' - Personal Satement. Linguistics. [26]

Hello! :) I enjoyed reading your essay! A lot of descriptive writing (I guess that's your style).
In a distinctive way, you have shown your passion for teaching English! Job well done!

My only comment would be that you can work on elaborating what you mean by being "right in the middle" of it. And that is to state precisely what your goals are.

Maybe even mention a specific opportunity that the university offers, to help you accomplish these goals.
Or have you already thought about adding that, since you said this essay isn't complete yet?
Anyway, I learned a new word: ballyhoo!

All the best! :)

Edit: I just realized that I have read some your essays before this and I think you have a great talent in writing!
dreamer   
Mar 10, 2012
Graduate / 'helping others and making a difference' -What matters to you most essay for Stanford [3]

Hi there! You've got a nice essay with a smooth flow. Very story-like, which can be a good thing sometimes. :)

Just a few comments/corrections I would make:

Only once I gained some confidence, did I start opening up and makemaking some friends.

I got a lot of pleasure and feeling of responsibility towards them by helping them. - sounds a little awkward. Maybe rephrase it?

in whichever possible way, mattered a lot to me.

'This made me realize that probably the mission of my existence on earth was to make it a better place for these people to whom life had been cruel.' - It is not very clear how it suddenly jumped from helping your classmates, to this. Maybe before this, add a clear example of the help you gave to the needy, as you mentioned you "used to see anyone needy or specially abled,"

'After I got my job, my passion was pulling me with itchy hands asking me to begin as now I didn't need to depend on anyone to fuel my passion.' - I don't really understand this sentence. The phrasing is a little awkward. And begin on what?

'It is not that I am suffering from any obsessive compulsive disorder for donating' - I really don't think you should say something like this.

'My job doesn't give me enough time to actively participate in these activities because I've just sorted of started my professional career but one day, I will work only for this.'

What do you mean by 'sorted of started'? Not very clear.

Hope I've helped :) Sorry if I was a little critical. Just trying to help!
All the best!
dreamer   
Mar 10, 2012
Undergraduate / App personal Essay - My vision - faith journey [3]

Hello! :)
Lovely essay girl, you should give a pat on your back for writing this and if you didn't mention it, I wouldn't have known that English isn't your first language! Haha.

Here are some comments:

These questions were spinning in my head when these words came to me. - It's not clear what the words were. Are the words in your next sentence? If they are, then you should do something like this: .. the words came to me: "...."

As it was, many of them each carried sickness. - sounds a little awkward. Maybe reword it: As it was, many of them suffered with sickness.

A grandmother with cancer could not get proper treatment due to expensive hospital fees. - A bit of a repetition with the 'fees' and 'proper treatment'. Maybe mention specifically what treatment she needed for her cancer?

There are many doctors here, but... - There are many doctors available, (try to not repeat the word 'here' again)

...find someone who cared for the isolated.

As I saw these people, I thought deep down in my heart that someone should help these people. - Try to reduce the repetition: As I saw them suffer,...

Comparing how our five members of family and how only a few people worshiped with a guitar under shabby curtains, the church at present have grown a lotsignificantly by God's grace. Moreover, God has opened the hearts of church villagers, who were at first, not pleased to see Christians.

...look impossible at present now,...

Don't worry - these are minor corrections in your essay. Your story is there, and your heart is there. It comes across clearly. :)
Hope I've helped. All the best!
dreamer   
Mar 10, 2012
Undergraduate / Experience at children's drop-in center - Washington University at St. Louis [4]

Hi Katelyn, thank you very much for your feedback!! I've been checking back to see if anyone replied (kind of paranoid about it lol) and I was so excited to see someone did!

Hmm, yes I understand what you mean about the ending. Any ideas on how I should word it by making it clear that I'm talking about the same little girl in the beginning?

Unfortunately, I forgot the lovely girl's name. :( I am terrible with names, so it's really my fault because she did leave an impression on me and I'll remember her always, but just not her name :(

If you have time, do you mind having a look at my other essay for Wash U on my reasons for transferring?
Thank you :)
dreamer   
Mar 10, 2012
Writing Feedback / "student's lifestyle in university" - ielts, task 2 [3]

I found it helpful to copy paste your essay and adding my corrections/suggestions as it goes. :)

Overall, I think you should approach the topic simply and in a straight forward manner when structuring your sentences. Be direct, do not play around with words, and you must be formal since it's academic writing. I also think you should notice that the question states activities. What else students can do besides studies? Points for other type of activities besides sport. So be careful when interpreting your question.

I've tried to be critical when reading your essay. It's a good try though :)
Hope I've helped.
All the best!
dreamer   
Mar 10, 2012
Undergraduate / 'wanting to do more with my art talent' - SVA Statement Intent [2]

I have some comments/suggestions/corrections:

... visualize a piece that fits that individaul person. - a piece that fits an individual person.

...teach me how to better my work and exploring the inner talent I do not know I have. - how to improve my work and explore my hidden inner talents.

I still need to learn more on being creative with my ideas and visualizing stuff to put in a 3D format. SVA can teach me the best quality in sculpturing and painting. - I suggest typing out the full name of the institution. Since you want to mention about what the school has to offer, I think you can be more specific with this answer. How exactly will the school help? It has a special program that can help you in 3D formatting?

Also, do you remember an time in your life when you began drawing/painting? You could describe that in the beginning maybe :)

Overall, it is a good piece. Nice work! All the best :)
dreamer   
Mar 10, 2012
Graduate / "professional volunteer" - Peace Corps Application Essay #1 [3]

Hello!
Nice reading your essay.
Just a few comments:

I've had everything from - " wow, you're impressive" to " why don't you stop trying to save the children and get a real job" .

...placed in me - that is that every person is valuable and deserves to pursue their dreams.

It was great learning from the kids there and to be able to invest in their lives that summer. I also loved empowering the youth groups to serve while they were in the city. This fall, I worked at a group home for delinquents and taught them positive behaviors.

The more open and flexible I am, the more I will grow and benefit others around me.
(try not to repeat the word flexible)

I will go wherever my skills and abilities are benefited most. I have always been conservative and was raised with the utmost respect for all peoples. I cannot wait to drink tea and share dinners with my host family and hear their stories.

^ this ending seems a little abrupt. Try to create the image of dining with a host family and listening to their stories in the mind of the reader, if that is your intention to end this way. Maybe try being a little more descriptive and cut down on the sentences that began with "I..."

:)
Overall, a strong essay! Liked seeing your accomplishments shine and how it has affected you.
All the best!
dreamer   
Mar 10, 2012
Letters / NIH Summer Program Cover Letter Essay [4]

Hello!
Overall I really liked the content and it's a strong essay.
A few comments:

"I am seeking the opportunity to apply myself summer internship program to help further my education and lab experience in the field of medicine."

This sentence sounds a little awkward. Try: I seek the opportunity to partake in a summer internship program...

"It is important to able to research on such topics as therapeutic cloning, cancer, and other viruses because we are able to learn more about things, people, and events. In doing research, we are able to make smart decisions concerning the people that it may influence."

I think you can connect this more to yourself by replace the "we" with "I"

"In the past summer or 2011, I opportunity to attend the Governor's School for Emerging Technologies. It was here I realized what my true calling is in the field of researching science and technology."

During the summer of 2011, I had the opportunity to...
It was here when I realized my true calling was in the field of...

:)
Just a few suggestions!
Good luck!
dreamer   
Mar 10, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Keep moving forward' - Transfer: Introduce your self to Penn [3]

Hi! The content is solid and the length is good. It answers the prompt well, as you have given more than just a glimpse into your past and how it shaped you!

Just a few suggestions:

After my freshman year in college, I...

...prepare for a more challenging adventure: the real world.

:)
And I second all the corrections Susan has pointed out ^
Good luck!
dreamer   
Mar 10, 2012
Undergraduate / Experience at children's drop-in center - Washington University at St. Louis [4]

Hi! Here's my second essay for Washington University at St. Louis. Please let me know if this essay answers the prompt. Any advice on the content, grammar, sentence structure and my approach with this essay?

Short answer: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

I sat on a miniature stool next to a 9-year-old girl as she attempted to write her biodata in English. But she stopped when it came to her birthdate and admitted, "I don't know."

She was just one of the children that I had the privilege to meet when I volunteered at Nur Salam. As a 24-hour drop-in and activity center for disadvantages kids, we received about 50 children daily - who were trafficked, refugees, from single-home parents or with unfit parents involved with prostitution, drug abuse and criminality. With no official identification documents, many were deprived of school.

I was there to teach them basic English and Malay languages and organize educational programs ranging from story-telling to art and craft sessions. While I hoped I had served them well, simply watching them in their daily endeavors revealed their high spirits and optimism in face of adversity. And I saw it when I looked into her eyes, smiled and said "It's okay, let's answer the next one - your hobbies?"
dreamer   
Mar 10, 2012
Undergraduate / 'wide array of opportunities' - transferring & my objectives - Washington Uni [4]

Hi! Here's my essay for Washington University at St.Louis. (please note: this is for my first-choice school and it's a reach for me because it's a very competitive school. I'm still trying though, cause I love this school.. and I don't think this essay does it any justice.)

Please comment on anything you find I should work on - sentence structure, writing style, grammar, content. Do I answer the prompt?
I really want to improve. I appreciate honest and constructive criticism.
This is the only school that I'm applying to that uses common app, so is it okay that I personalized this essay for Wash U?

Thank you, and I'll be glad to return the favor!

Personal Statement: Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

"Congratulations! You have received a Public Service Department Scholarship to study International Business at the Nottingham University, Malaysian campus."
At that moment, I knew. After all those months I spent soul-searching; this was a moment of clarity when I knew when I wanted to pursue. And it was not international business studies.

My plan to transfer to a United States institution began when I decided on psychology, and my decision came from a discovery of an inclination I believe I have always had. An innate introverted nature has always centered my interest upon my own mental life; rich with its own thoughts, beliefs and ideas. Growing up, this focus deepened as I was battling a low self-esteem. It affected my every action, spoke as a deafening voice in my head, and glared back whenever I looked into the mirror. However, my reflective and persistent character led me to find meaning in the challenges I faced. The most profound journey through my own inner realm eventually ensued. I began to appreciate the human spirit, and view the world through a lens of compassion and empathy. This experience revealed to me my passion for the human psyche. I discovered psychology.

Ever since William James, who famously said "the first lecture on psychology I ever heard being the first I ever gave", the teaching of psychology has become an integral part of universities in the United States. There, at the other end of the world from me, psychology is made up of inspired individuals, who strive for psychological inquiry and collaborative research, and see its potential and applications within and beyond the field. More than anything, I dreamed to a part of it.

At Washington University, I see myself achieving this dream. From establishing personal contacts with psychologists, professors and peers, to forming group affiliations with the Psi Chi and community service groups on campus - I have a chance to integrate and network with highly motivated individuals. In the positive psychology movement, there are prospects for me to further deepen my comprehension and captivation with the concepts of flow, personal strength and human virtues - by taking related courses or even getting involved in undergraduate research under the supervision of Professor Randall Larsen, a pioneer in the science of happiness. Whether I muse over the workings of a placebo effect or join in on the age old question of the power of the mind over matter - the Philosophy-Neuroscience-Psychology (PNP) program gives me an exciting multidisciplinary approach to study the mind. During my senior year, I aim to partake in the rigorous Honors program, which will aid in my preparation for graduate school. Also, I am eager to peruse the university's extensive course catalog to uncover even more interests and to be exposed to a well-rounded education as well a broad based grasp in psychology. I feel that achieving expertise in the field will not just provide me the necessary skills and knowledge, but also a platform to share the gift of psychology with others in my own way. Ultimately, as I continue to grow and solidify my identity, I hope to find my niche within psychology to eventually specialize in and contribute to.

These wide array of opportunities presented at Washington University are almost inconceivable in my country. I have experienced its limitations when I was offered a path in business instead of psychology, because there was no scholarly area distinguished for its professional study. In the end, the words that informed me of an alternate path to the one I wanted were the same words that forced me to look beyond geographical boundaries to passionately pursue psychology.
dreamer   
Feb 26, 2012
Undergraduate / 'heart for humanity' - volunteer experience for common application [4]

It's very concise and I like your choice of words. Awesome work!

However I have a little suggestion!
I think that you can create a stronger opening sentence if you talk about your personal experience. The one that touched you - and that seems to be "aiding a Down-syndrome boy". So maybe you could start with that? And then for the ending, "My heart for humanity grew from my volunteering time at the orphanage...", you can mention the name of the orphanage, etc. over here?

Probably this is a different flow, but it might arouse curiosity. :) I'm just suggesting though!

Good luck! :)
Mind checking out mine?
dreamer   
Feb 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Peer2Peer study group/My interests in transfering CommonApp Essays [4]

Hi!

On your first essay:
It seems very well written! I like that you go into detail about the aspects of your current school, and not just state why you disliked it.

I would say that your second paragraph should resolve the anticipation and curiosity you aroused with your opening paragraph. It is such a well written paragraph, and I think it would flow better if you start off your second paragraph with an indication of what you were describing earlier on.

It might guide readers a little. :)

For your second essay:
I think you can create a stronger opening sentence with a personal flair to it. Perhaps start right away with "I started a peer-based Chemistry tutoring group with a few friends..."?

Just a suggestion!

Good luck! Love your writing!
dreamer   
Feb 26, 2012
Undergraduate / 'person conscious of of people's feelings' - family history, culture or environment [6]

Hi!

This part "Every step I take, and every move I make.." I think it will sound better with just 'Every step I take,"

Also this last part : Staying true to my priorities will follow me in every journey I ever take, even today, the day I am thinking about student responsibility, academic integrity, and campus citizenship, helping prevent discrimination will always be a personal mission.

I think you can improve this sentence.. It's a little too long? Probably you could break it up, or just focus on one aspect of what you would consider a personal mission.

These are just my suggestions!
Good luck! :)
dreamer   
Feb 26, 2012
Letters / 'A biomedical scientist researching drug treatments' - MY NIH COVER LETTER [2]

Hi!

I think it shows your research interests rather clearly.
Perhaps when you mention that you don't plan to pursue psychology in college, you could immediately talk about what you are pursuing in the next sentence. It might flow better that way.

Also if you have a specific experience doing a research you really liked, you could add that in too!
Just a suggestion!

...hopes of s living abroad... I think this was a typo?

Good luck! :)
dreamer   
Feb 26, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Football is a dumb game' - Why I am Unique Yale Transfer prompt [4]

Hi!
Here are my comments/suggestions:

... my tiny body on her arms and ... It should be IN her arms. :)

Leaving my blazingly hot town in Africa only to be dropped down into the one of the freezing cities in United States... This part sounds a little awkward. Maybe you could change it to "blazing hot town in Africa" and "thrust into one of the coldest cities"

I am rarely dehydrated-It reminds me of those days I had to run 5 miles only for my coach to tell me they were warm ups-It is not because I drink water a lot, ...

This sentence is a little long. Maybe you could break it up?

Could I be strange for seeing football as a dumb game?
Although this sounds like a perfectly honest opinion, I think you could make it sound a little less harsh. Maybe something like "Football never thrilled me."

I also think this is a good essay in general because of the content - it seems personal. Just maybe work on your grammar and sentence structure. Some of them seem a little long.

:)

Hope this helped!
dreamer   
Feb 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Educational interest - psychology, future goals and plans (U of Minnesota) [3]

Hi!

This essay is for my application to the University of Minnesota. (Deadline March 1st)
Please do give me honest feedback on the content, grammar, writing style and anything you find worth commenting about. I appreciate all the feedback. I've contemplated long and hard before posting my essay here.. so please go easy on me!

Thank you for reading this! I will most certainly return the favor if you want me to! :)

This is the essay question: In English, describe your educational interests and goals and what your plans are for when you return to your home country. Please include an explanation of why you would like to study the major you have selected.

This is my essay:

"One more time...," and she pieced through my skin with a fine needle, leaving my face throbbing in protest. A tear almost escaped my eye, but I clumsily pressed my eye lids shut in time to stop them from rolling. I was there by choice. I was at a skin care treatment center. And the lady hovering over me was working on my face, attempting to clear my clogged pores.

It was another try at treating my acne, when actually my problems were beyond skin deep. The physical discomfort I endured through those fruitless treatment sessions, were nothing compared to the mental agony I felt when I was in the presence of others, or worse, when I was left alone with my own negative thoughts. However, the inner discovery that eventually ensued was well worth the pain.

Battling a debilitating low self-esteem, I incessantly observed and analyzed myself in relation to others. And thanks to my introverted nature, I was so focused on my own inner realm, which further separated me from the outside world of human engagement and expectations. Perhaps this detachment was exactly what I needed, as I was unknowingly unraveling my own passions for the study of the human mind and behaviors. I discovered psychology. *As I was motivated to understand myself, I was thereby inspired to study the human psyche.

To me, a career is a way to contribute. I want to give the gift of psychology to people; to help them understand themselves and others, in the same way psychology has done for me. I want to use psychology as a means to help people think, feel and act in ways that can best benefit them. Having taken several psychology and research-oriented courses in college has further deepened my interest and solidified my aim to major in psychology. So I plan to use the rest of my undergraduate years to learn and thoroughly explore the boundless field of psychology. The broad based focus at University of Minnesota; from cognitive and brain sciences to psychometrics and quantitative methods, will give me strong foundation in psychology. I also aim to partake in the Honors program as I understand it to be a rigorous training ground with challenging courses and personalized attention to guide me through my major. Beyond the classes and coursework, I wish to participate in undergraduate research offered by the university. It would not only give me the much needed research experience by working one on one with a professor, but also the opportunity to publish a paper in the university's own undergraduate journal of psychology, the Sentience. These steps are important to me because it will allow me to find my niche, my own place in this field, that I hope to eventually specialize in at the graduate level.

Coming from Malaysia, there is a clear stigma associated with psychology in the mindset of the people here. A psychologist is equated to treating mental illnesses and not much else, and psychology itself is a relatively recent field. Lacking a governing and licensing body, my country has a long way to go in establishing psychology as a professional career. In propelling a change, I intend to lead by practice. I plan to not just return to my home country to serve as a psychologist, but also as an advocate for the use and appreciation of psychological knowledge in everyday life.

I have come far from the days when I was at the mercy of my skin. I even went on to see dermatologists to receive professional help. They treated what they saw, but what I needed to see was the person inside, who had dreams and aspirations that far surpassed what meets the eye. I'm glad I looked within, because I now look at the world around me through a lens of unparalleled compassion and empathy; as well as a deep-seated appreciation for the human spirit and all that it is capable of.

--
The part parked ** - not sure about the sentence. It sounds awkward there, so I might remove it. But it sort of acts as a thesis statement. I'm not sure...

Thank you for reading!! :)