stimpsimp
Jan 15, 2009
Undergraduate / Short Answer Response, two stories. Which one to chose? [18]
Could someone help me please?
Could someone help me please?
stimpsimp
Jan 12, 2009
Undergraduate / GA Tech ESSAY; "I would like to make my existence a useful one" [12]
Honestly, sorry to break it to you but ummm... You kinda didn't need to do 8 drafts WITH AN ESSAY AS GOOD AS THE FIRST ONE!!! LOl. The first one is waaaaaaaay better. The version below is my first help with a little tweaking using Kevin's comments. Ask your friends what they think of this version compared to the your 8 million times drafted one and see what they think. This is it...
Honestly, sorry to break it to you but ummm... You kinda didn't need to do 8 drafts WITH AN ESSAY AS GOOD AS THE FIRST ONE!!! LOl. The first one is waaaaaaaay better. The version below is my first help with a little tweaking using Kevin's comments. Ask your friends what they think of this version compared to the your 8 million times drafted one and see what they think. This is it...
stimpsimp
Jan 11, 2009
Student Talk / Application Question January [127]
Okay usually it works like this. The optional is just to help them get to know you better. You won't be able to submit the optional part later and usually, not all the time but usually, the deadline for all the credentials is on the same day as the deadline for the application. You're an international student so you need to send the financial forms from like now. Good Luck
Okay usually it works like this. The optional is just to help them get to know you better. You won't be able to submit the optional part later and usually, not all the time but usually, the deadline for all the credentials is on the same day as the deadline for the application. You're an international student so you need to send the financial forms from like now. Good Luck
stimpsimp
Jan 11, 2009
Undergraduate / Appropriate word limit? - Write a brief statement regarding your educational plans at UW Madison [19]
I am an international student and it does apply to you. I am also applying to them too. As kids_jessy said, the two statements he gave are the statements I am currently working on. Try the online application.
I am an international student and it does apply to you. I am also applying to them too. As kids_jessy said, the two statements he gave are the statements I am currently working on. Try the online application.
stimpsimp
Jan 11, 2009
Undergraduate / Short Answer Response, two stories. Which one to chose? [18]
Well, wow lots of comments. Thanks to all that contributed. It was much appreciated. I took everyone's ideas and comments into consideration and did some tweaking. Feel free to tell me what you think of this one. How's it doing, any errors and/or how can I improve. Please and Thank You in advance.
My Response:
One thing I really do well is investing in the stock market. I was only 11 years old when I first walked into Barita Investments Limited. It was then that my dad had purchased my first shares in NCB and I was ecstatic. When the share price doubled, we decided to sell my shares and I made a profit of $7,000 JMD.
For approximately seven years I have been trading under my father's name. In the past, I picked the firms in which I was interested and he would purchase shares in them for me with some money I had saved. Now 18 years old, I plan to continue trading on the Jamaican stock market; however, I will now trade under my name. I say investing in the Jamaican stock market is one of the things I do really well because I have been very profitable in my investments for many years.
In order to choose the right company to invest in, a lot of research needs to be done. The firm's trends need to be studied and the reasons for its trends need to be identified. By doing so, the causes of the movements can be identified. This information can then be used to determine why share prices increase or fall and help recognize the indicators of an oncoming change. Trading on the stock market has taught me how to analyze firms to determine trends and analyze the markets in which the firms operate. Among other things, trading on the stock market has given me a basic understanding of analyzing financial systems and their impact on firms and stakeholders.
Trading takes time, skill and patience in order to be profitable. By analyzing the sales trends of several firms, I was able to determine which companies had the highest sales levels, the lowest sales levels and why. This helped me determine the market leaders in sales and profits. In other words, the companies in which I was interested and willing to invest. The decisions also required of me to analyze financial systems and activities in the economy which could have a great impact on the firms in which I was interested. I believe that trading on the stock exchange has helped me develop my analytical skills. The great benefit of this is that I would be able to, if given the opportunity, apply these skills in research and courses such as Trading and Markets and The Stock Market at OSU.
An added benefit is that, combined with studies in Economics in the eleventh and presently the twelfth grade, trading on the stock market has really taught me a lot about markets. How demand on supply affects the economy as a whole and firms in that economy. I have also learnt how to utilize this information to determine trends and what to expect as it regards the prices of shares. This knowledge that I have amassed over the years would greatly assist me in all aspects as I could practice the skills and techniques I have developed in the future and hopefully at The Ohio State University.
Well, wow lots of comments. Thanks to all that contributed. It was much appreciated. I took everyone's ideas and comments into consideration and did some tweaking. Feel free to tell me what you think of this one. How's it doing, any errors and/or how can I improve. Please and Thank You in advance.
My Response:
One thing I really do well is investing in the stock market. I was only 11 years old when I first walked into Barita Investments Limited. It was then that my dad had purchased my first shares in NCB and I was ecstatic. When the share price doubled, we decided to sell my shares and I made a profit of $7,000 JMD.
For approximately seven years I have been trading under my father's name. In the past, I picked the firms in which I was interested and he would purchase shares in them for me with some money I had saved. Now 18 years old, I plan to continue trading on the Jamaican stock market; however, I will now trade under my name. I say investing in the Jamaican stock market is one of the things I do really well because I have been very profitable in my investments for many years.
In order to choose the right company to invest in, a lot of research needs to be done. The firm's trends need to be studied and the reasons for its trends need to be identified. By doing so, the causes of the movements can be identified. This information can then be used to determine why share prices increase or fall and help recognize the indicators of an oncoming change. Trading on the stock market has taught me how to analyze firms to determine trends and analyze the markets in which the firms operate. Among other things, trading on the stock market has given me a basic understanding of analyzing financial systems and their impact on firms and stakeholders.
Trading takes time, skill and patience in order to be profitable. By analyzing the sales trends of several firms, I was able to determine which companies had the highest sales levels, the lowest sales levels and why. This helped me determine the market leaders in sales and profits. In other words, the companies in which I was interested and willing to invest. The decisions also required of me to analyze financial systems and activities in the economy which could have a great impact on the firms in which I was interested. I believe that trading on the stock exchange has helped me develop my analytical skills. The great benefit of this is that I would be able to, if given the opportunity, apply these skills in research and courses such as Trading and Markets and The Stock Market at OSU.
An added benefit is that, combined with studies in Economics in the eleventh and presently the twelfth grade, trading on the stock market has really taught me a lot about markets. How demand on supply affects the economy as a whole and firms in that economy. I have also learnt how to utilize this information to determine trends and what to expect as it regards the prices of shares. This knowledge that I have amassed over the years would greatly assist me in all aspects as I could practice the skills and techniques I have developed in the future and hopefully at The Ohio State University.
stimpsimp
Jan 11, 2009
Undergraduate / USC essay - "my first camera" [7]
Its disappointing Kevin and Mena Raouf that the due date was yesterday. Hope everything worked out well for you Lauren Beaton yesterday. Wish you all the best and good luck with getting in!
Its disappointing Kevin and Mena Raouf that the due date was yesterday. Hope everything worked out well for you Lauren Beaton yesterday. Wish you all the best and good luck with getting in!
stimpsimp
Jan 10, 2009
Undergraduate / USC essay - "my first camera" [7]
Lemme see what else I pick up...
It was a digital camera; a cheap blue plastic one that you could buy at the toy store. I was in love with it and took it everywhere with me. Since then, I have (don't shorten, say the full thing) had a couple of "point-and-shoot" digital cameras but a few years ago I switched to a digital SLR: a Canon EOS Rebel XT. (OH MY FREAKING GOSH!!! A REBEL?!!! THAT's SOOO COOL :D) That summer I spent (lived, as in resident? Or spent time there?) a month in France taking photojournalism classes and studio art classes while living in college dorms.
Lemme see what else I pick up...
It was a digital camera; a cheap blue plastic one that you could buy at the toy store. I was in love with it and took it everywhere with me. Since then, I have (don't shorten, say the full thing) had a couple of "point-and-shoot" digital cameras but a few years ago I switched to a digital SLR: a Canon EOS Rebel XT. (OH MY FREAKING GOSH!!! A REBEL?!!! THAT's SOOO COOL :D) That summer I spent (lived, as in resident? Or spent time there?) a month in France taking photojournalism classes and studio art classes while living in college dorms.
stimpsimp
Jan 10, 2009
Undergraduate / GA Tech ESSAY; "I would like to make my existence a useful one" [12]
Your welcome. :D Anytime. If you do anything more to it and you want, I can review it for you. You seem like an excellent writer. If possible, you could also comment on my University of Wisconsin essays.
Your welcome. :D Anytime. If you do anything more to it and you want, I can review it for you. You seem like an excellent writer. If possible, you could also comment on my University of Wisconsin essays.
stimpsimp
Jan 10, 2009
Undergraduate / USC essay - "my first camera" [7]
Saw you helped, so I help you. Please help me. Sounds cool lol. Umm some stuff:
I got in trouble for drawing on my wall in permanent marker... I got in trouble for drawing on my wall with a permanent marker.
Unnecessary comma... crayons, and draw... crayons and draw & most, and... most and
It isn't wrong, but it is unnecessary. *stories and diary entries... see you didnt have one here
a hockey stick or a violin bow. Use or or and. Cant just end it like that
Although I've taken up other activities over the years, art has remained one of the most constant... doesn't click too well. Art can't be constant. Isn't it ever changing but that is not what you mean to begin with but that is what you said. How about... Although I've taken up other activities over the years, I had always stuck with art.
I see another unnecessary comma but you know what i'm gonna say. Just edit those.
Hope those help.
Saw you helped, so I help you. Please help me. Sounds cool lol. Umm some stuff:
I got in trouble for drawing on my wall in permanent marker... I got in trouble for drawing on my wall with a permanent marker.
Unnecessary comma... crayons, and draw... crayons and draw & most, and... most and
It isn't wrong, but it is unnecessary. *stories and diary entries... see you didnt have one here
a hockey stick or a violin bow. Use or or and. Cant just end it like that
Although I've taken up other activities over the years, art has remained one of the most constant... doesn't click too well. Art can't be constant. Isn't it ever changing but that is not what you mean to begin with but that is what you said. How about... Although I've taken up other activities over the years, I had always stuck with art.
I see another unnecessary comma but you know what i'm gonna say. Just edit those.
Hope those help.
stimpsimp
Jan 10, 2009
Undergraduate / MIT Essay -- "I am a physics anomaly." [4]
Umm guys, the deadline has passed. This is a tough task but I wish you all the best Syed Saleh. Good Luck and with an essay like that you shouldn't have any worries. All the best again mate!
Umm guys, the deadline has passed. This is a tough task but I wish you all the best Syed Saleh. Good Luck and with an essay like that you shouldn't have any worries. All the best again mate!
stimpsimp
Jan 10, 2009
Undergraduate / GA Tech ESSAY; "I would like to make my existence a useful one" [12]
If I wasto delay going to college for a year, I would spend it trying to make the world a better place.
I would want to help those experiencing adversity to know that they are not alone in this world and that they can gain the courage to live another day.
Persons who have experienced child abuse, abuse drugs or are forced into prostitution all (dont say events need guidance, people do.) need guidance, a place where they can find refuge.
Two words... WONDERFUL ESSAY!!! Cant believe this is a first draft. NO WAY!!! lol. Good luck dude. Just a little more help from yourself and others and this baby is SET!
If I wasto delay going to college for a year, I would spend it trying to make the world a better place.
I would want to help those experiencing adversity to know that they are not alone in this world and that they can gain the courage to live another day.
Persons who have experienced child abuse, abuse drugs or are forced into prostitution all (dont say events need guidance, people do.) need guidance, a place where they can find refuge.
Two words... WONDERFUL ESSAY!!! Cant believe this is a first draft. NO WAY!!! lol. Good luck dude. Just a little more help from yourself and others and this baby is SET!
stimpsimp
Jan 10, 2009
Undergraduate / As children, many of us have dreams of becoming famous or someone who everybody knows or aspire to [5]
Just did a quick review. Wonderful closing statement. The essay overall is a very good essay. Lovely, lovely ending. Here's what you do. Take out a lot of the introduction because it is rather ambiguous. It seemed like it strayed away but after a while it was like "Oh, that's what you were getting to". If you get what I mean. For example:
My parents were not hippies and loved me but they both considered themselves public servants. My father is an officer in the army and is now serving in Iraq. My mother is an educator who now teaches in the public school system. Both believe (and in turn instilled in me) that there must be purpose in all we do. That life is a ministry and we must treat it as such.
Is better just like this:
Both my parents believe and have instilled in me that there must be purpose in all that we do and that life is a ministry so we must treat it as such.
Hope I helped. And I think with my adjustments your essay will now answer the prompt perfectly. Oh, and GOOD LUCK!
Oh and could you please comment on my University of Wisconsin statement 1 and 2. Please and Thank You
Just did a quick review. Wonderful closing statement. The essay overall is a very good essay. Lovely, lovely ending. Here's what you do. Take out a lot of the introduction because it is rather ambiguous. It seemed like it strayed away but after a while it was like "Oh, that's what you were getting to". If you get what I mean. For example:
My parents were not hippies and loved me but they both considered themselves public servants. My father is an officer in the army and is now serving in Iraq. My mother is an educator who now teaches in the public school system. Both believe (and in turn instilled in me) that there must be purpose in all we do. That life is a ministry and we must treat it as such.
Is better just like this:
Both my parents believe and have instilled in me that there must be purpose in all that we do and that life is a ministry so we must treat it as such.
Hope I helped. And I think with my adjustments your essay will now answer the prompt perfectly. Oh, and GOOD LUCK!
Oh and could you please comment on my University of Wisconsin statement 1 and 2. Please and Thank You
stimpsimp
Jan 6, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Finance major' - International Student Essay - The Ohio State University [4]
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!!!... Please check for any errors of any sort and also you may give advice as to ways in which i can improve the essay. All help is accepted. Please and Thank You in advance.
Prompt:
Select one question of the following essay questions and type your response below. Limit your response to 400 words.
Reflect carefully on your answers and be attentive to spelling and grammar. There are no "right" answers to these questions; the best answer is one in which you clearly articulate what you think and what you believe.
Please describe what experiences, interests, or goals influenced your decision to study in the United States and how pursuing the major you have chosen will contribute in fulfilling your life goals and aspirations.
My Response:
It is often said that The United States of America is the land of opportunity and I agree with this statement. With millions of dollars available for investment in research projects and facilities each year, American universities provide me with adequate opportunities to conduct studies research in the field of Finance. The global financial meltdown experienced by countries worldwide is a main interest of mine. It is my dream to be able to, thorough the use of these facilities, provide solutions to recessions so that the world citizens do not have to suffer. I believe that with the adequate facilities at universities such as the Ohio State University in America, one day I will be able to accomplish this dream. If I were able to pursue a major in Finance at a prestigious university such as the Ohio State University, it would be a big step towards achieving this dream.
According to The Times Higher Education, universities in America such as the Ohio State University ranked among the top universities in the world. It is therefore clear that, by attending an American university, I would be able to accumulate the knowledge I need to guide me to success. For years I had wanted to go to an American university as I have always strived for the best and I believed that this was the best for me.
Attaining a Bachelor of Science in Finance from the Ohio State University would open many doors for me. By acquiring this degree from the Ohio State University, I believe that jobs in the field of Finance would be plentiful. This would greatly contribute in fulfilling my life goals and aspirations as I would be able to help others and my household attain and uphold financial stability. It would provide opportunities for me to contribute to the community by offering my money and services to those in need.
If I attended the Ohio State University I would seize the opportunity to amass a vast amount of knowledge. Armed with a prodigious amount of knowledge in the field of Finance, I would also be able to, as my icon Jim Cramer does, trade on the stock market for a charity of my choice. This would provide me with the opportunity to help others in need and at the same time help me develop the skills I would need to trade successfully on any stock exchange.
*Please remember that i have to take out a lot to be able to add anything to the second essay as the word limit is 400 words and my essay is spot on 400.
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!!!... Please check for any errors of any sort and also you may give advice as to ways in which i can improve the essay. All help is accepted. Please and Thank You in advance.
Prompt:
Select one question of the following essay questions and type your response below. Limit your response to 400 words.
Reflect carefully on your answers and be attentive to spelling and grammar. There are no "right" answers to these questions; the best answer is one in which you clearly articulate what you think and what you believe.
Please describe what experiences, interests, or goals influenced your decision to study in the United States and how pursuing the major you have chosen will contribute in fulfilling your life goals and aspirations.
My Response:
It is often said that The United States of America is the land of opportunity and I agree with this statement. With millions of dollars available for investment in research projects and facilities each year, American universities provide me with adequate opportunities to conduct studies research in the field of Finance. The global financial meltdown experienced by countries worldwide is a main interest of mine. It is my dream to be able to, thorough the use of these facilities, provide solutions to recessions so that the world citizens do not have to suffer. I believe that with the adequate facilities at universities such as the Ohio State University in America, one day I will be able to accomplish this dream. If I were able to pursue a major in Finance at a prestigious university such as the Ohio State University, it would be a big step towards achieving this dream.
According to The Times Higher Education, universities in America such as the Ohio State University ranked among the top universities in the world. It is therefore clear that, by attending an American university, I would be able to accumulate the knowledge I need to guide me to success. For years I had wanted to go to an American university as I have always strived for the best and I believed that this was the best for me.
Attaining a Bachelor of Science in Finance from the Ohio State University would open many doors for me. By acquiring this degree from the Ohio State University, I believe that jobs in the field of Finance would be plentiful. This would greatly contribute in fulfilling my life goals and aspirations as I would be able to help others and my household attain and uphold financial stability. It would provide opportunities for me to contribute to the community by offering my money and services to those in need.
If I attended the Ohio State University I would seize the opportunity to amass a vast amount of knowledge. Armed with a prodigious amount of knowledge in the field of Finance, I would also be able to, as my icon Jim Cramer does, trade on the stock market for a charity of my choice. This would provide me with the opportunity to help others in need and at the same time help me develop the skills I would need to trade successfully on any stock exchange.
*Please remember that i have to take out a lot to be able to add anything to the second essay as the word limit is 400 words and my essay is spot on 400.
stimpsimp
Jan 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Short Answer Response, two stories. Which one to chose? [18]
Critique encouraged.. The Ohio State University - Essay One
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!!!... Please check for any errors of any sort and also you may give advice as to ways in which i can improve the essay. All help is accepted. Please and Thank You in advance.
Prompt:
Consider your talents and strengths, academic and otherwise. What is one thing you do really well?
My Response:
I believe that one thing I really do well is investing on the stock market. I was only 11 years old when I first walked into Barita Investments Limited. Despite my age, I was enthused and ready to learn. I was overwhelmed with joy as my dad ordered a thousand shares in NCB for me. After some paper work it was done. My dad had placed an order and just a few days later he got a call from the broker confirming the deal. This was the first time I had ever owned shares in a company. I was ecstatic. After a year had passed and the price per share had doubled, I decided it was time we sold my shares, so my dad placed the offer. After two weeks, he handed me a check for JMD$14,000. I had made a profit of JMD$7,000!
For years approximately seven years I have been doing this under my father's name. Now that I am 18 years old, I plan to continue trading on the Jamaican stock market however I will do this in my name. I used to pick the stocks and then he would purchase them for me with money I had saved. At times he would contribute but most of my investments were funded by my savings. I say investing in the Jamaican stock market is one of the things I do really well because I have been very profitable in my investments for many years. An added benefit gained from my experience with investing on the stock market is that it has really taught me a lot about finance and economics. It would be my pleasure to practice what I have learnt at Ohio State University.
Critique encouraged.. The Ohio State University - Essay One
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!!!... Please check for any errors of any sort and also you may give advice as to ways in which i can improve the essay. All help is accepted. Please and Thank You in advance.
Prompt:
Consider your talents and strengths, academic and otherwise. What is one thing you do really well?
My Response:
I believe that one thing I really do well is investing on the stock market. I was only 11 years old when I first walked into Barita Investments Limited. Despite my age, I was enthused and ready to learn. I was overwhelmed with joy as my dad ordered a thousand shares in NCB for me. After some paper work it was done. My dad had placed an order and just a few days later he got a call from the broker confirming the deal. This was the first time I had ever owned shares in a company. I was ecstatic. After a year had passed and the price per share had doubled, I decided it was time we sold my shares, so my dad placed the offer. After two weeks, he handed me a check for JMD$14,000. I had made a profit of JMD$7,000!
For years approximately seven years I have been doing this under my father's name. Now that I am 18 years old, I plan to continue trading on the Jamaican stock market however I will do this in my name. I used to pick the stocks and then he would purchase them for me with money I had saved. At times he would contribute but most of my investments were funded by my savings. I say investing in the Jamaican stock market is one of the things I do really well because I have been very profitable in my investments for many years. An added benefit gained from my experience with investing on the stock market is that it has really taught me a lot about finance and economics. It would be my pleasure to practice what I have learnt at Ohio State University.
stimpsimp
Jan 1, 2009
Undergraduate / Short Response Essays (Dancehall) [6]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH! FINALLY! Lol. After I adjust this line imma read it over and then submit it...
Therefore, it can be seen that as Vybz Kartel’s songs continue to condition the minds of the public to accept and partake in violence, they eventually begin to do so.
I am wondering if the "they eventually begin to do so" part is right because what i'm trying to say is that as long as he sings about violence, it will encourage them, well us, to accept and partake in violence and then we would eventually partake in it. If you get what I mean. If you can think of a way in which I can get this across better that would be wonderful.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH! FINALLY! Lol. After I adjust this line imma read it over and then submit it...
Therefore, it can be seen that as Vybz Kartel’s songs continue to condition the minds of the public to accept and partake in violence, they eventually begin to do so.
I am wondering if the "they eventually begin to do so" part is right because what i'm trying to say is that as long as he sings about violence, it will encourage them, well us, to accept and partake in violence and then we would eventually partake in it. If you get what I mean. If you can think of a way in which I can get this across better that would be wonderful.
stimpsimp
Jan 1, 2009
Undergraduate / Tufts Supplements -- curriculum, saying, expressioin [4]
the second one? Let your life speak? But it's so good lol. Well if you can write a better one then i'll try and help you
the second one? Let your life speak? But it's so good lol. Well if you can write a better one then i'll try and help you
stimpsimp
Jan 1, 2009
Undergraduate / Tufts Supplements -- curriculum, saying, expressioin [4]
I read all three and this is all I could pick up...
saving the world and coming to the aid of those in need. how about just... helping those in need? Because saving the world does involve helping people. But anyways if you dont want to use it I still think the line after and needs adjustment. You could use my helping those in need.
And come to their rescue. Coming should be used when the place is near you, how about going but still i'd say something like... I wanted to be the hero that would rescue them from their situations... Or something like that.
Loved all of them! Especially the last one! Lol. Oh and if you can, could you read mine about dancehall and make some comments. No one is really commenting on it no matter how many times I asked like you did. :P. Oh and GOOD LUCK! Hope you get accepted to your schools and I hope this helped
I read all three and this is all I could pick up...
saving the world and coming to the aid of those in need. how about just... helping those in need? Because saving the world does involve helping people. But anyways if you dont want to use it I still think the line after and needs adjustment. You could use my helping those in need.
And come to their rescue. Coming should be used when the place is near you, how about going but still i'd say something like... I wanted to be the hero that would rescue them from their situations... Or something like that.
Loved all of them! Especially the last one! Lol. Oh and if you can, could you read mine about dancehall and make some comments. No one is really commenting on it no matter how many times I asked like you did. :P. Oh and GOOD LUCK! Hope you get accepted to your schools and I hope this helped
stimpsimp
Jan 1, 2009
Undergraduate / Short Response Essays (Dancehall) [6]
Could someone give this a quick read and tell me what they think. I really HAVE TO SEND THIS IN TODAY!
Could someone give this a quick read and tell me what they think. I really HAVE TO SEND THIS IN TODAY!
stimpsimp
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / UPENN Why essay grammar check; When I first started playing soccer I had no skills [3]
Over time, I developed the skills needed to compliment my speed while playing forward but something was still missing. (You said over time, as someting happened so i'm waiting for the following statement but there's none. Leaves me confused.)
Although it took time, I am now a much more confident player and the leading scorer on my indoor soccer team. (said now already. No need for currently.)
(Space between paragraphs since you are not indenting them)
Opportunity is defined as ...
As a college bound student, the one (i feel like quintessential beside one repeats itself) thing I want is opportunity.
I want the opportunity to not only shape my ...(once you say opportunity to, you can do the list... opportunity to do this, that, those. It's better than saying the opportunity to do this, the opportunity to do that etc.)
Through (I see the website say they are known as 'Penn' so you can just say Penn) Penn's liberal arts education I would be able to stimulate (stimulate better says it) my mind to see things from more than one angle.
Since I would be able to take courses from other schools within Penn, I would reap the benefits of the best in whatever I choose to study. (You need to mention Wharton but its awkward to mention it like that because when you say other, the need to know other than what. So this is why you have to mention Wharton from before that. Hope you get me)
I know that at Penn I would be (would be not am since you don't attend Penn... yet) surrounded by the opportunities that I need to succeed.
(dont say only you sound hopeless if you dont get in and they might look down on that like. So what if we dont accept you? You wont succeed? We dont want people like that. Lol Or something like that. I think just take out only and say at Penn.
You repeat yourself a lot. Be careful with that. Like superior and beat and started playing at first. Wonderful Essay just grammatical errors. Hope this helps and I hope you get what you want and all the best. Deadline is fast approaching so work diligently and quickly. Good Luck Mate!!!
Over time, I developed the skills needed to compliment my speed while playing forward but something was still missing. (You said over time, as someting happened so i'm waiting for the following statement but there's none. Leaves me confused.)
Although it took time, I am now a much more confident player and the leading scorer on my indoor soccer team. (said now already. No need for currently.)
(Space between paragraphs since you are not indenting them)
Opportunity is defined as ...
As a college bound student, the one (i feel like quintessential beside one repeats itself) thing I want is opportunity.
I want the opportunity to not only shape my ...(once you say opportunity to, you can do the list... opportunity to do this, that, those. It's better than saying the opportunity to do this, the opportunity to do that etc.)
Through (I see the website say they are known as 'Penn' so you can just say Penn) Penn's liberal arts education I would be able to stimulate (stimulate better says it) my mind to see things from more than one angle.
Since I would be able to take courses from other schools within Penn, I would reap the benefits of the best in whatever I choose to study. (You need to mention Wharton but its awkward to mention it like that because when you say other, the need to know other than what. So this is why you have to mention Wharton from before that. Hope you get me)
I know that at Penn I would be (would be not am since you don't attend Penn... yet) surrounded by the opportunities that I need to succeed.
(dont say only you sound hopeless if you dont get in and they might look down on that like. So what if we dont accept you? You wont succeed? We dont want people like that. Lol Or something like that. I think just take out only and say at Penn.
You repeat yourself a lot. Be careful with that. Like superior and beat and started playing at first. Wonderful Essay just grammatical errors. Hope this helps and I hope you get what you want and all the best. Deadline is fast approaching so work diligently and quickly. Good Luck Mate!!!
stimpsimp
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / Short Response Essays (Dancehall) [6]
Okay I did several drafts and this is what i've come up with. PLEASE PLEASE help me because I have to submit this real soon. Like tonight. Thank you very very much for your help Kevin. All help is accepted. Please leave any general comments you feel to leave. All is appreciated. TIPS TO MAKE IT STRONGER WOULD BE WONDERFUL. Kindly correct any errors you see and thanks in advance. *NB... The word is dancehall not dance hall. Its a type of Jamaican music.
Okay I did several drafts and this is what i've come up with. PLEASE PLEASE help me because I have to submit this real soon. Like tonight. Thank you very very much for your help Kevin. All help is accepted. Please leave any general comments you feel to leave. All is appreciated. TIPS TO MAKE IT STRONGER WOULD BE WONDERFUL. Kindly correct any errors you see and thanks in advance. *NB... The word is dancehall not dance hall. Its a type of Jamaican music.
stimpsimp
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / I am very eager to strengthen my role as a global citizen - qualities of Northwestern [5]
Hey umm. WOW!!! Lol. Great essay. I really love it. Umm i read the entire essay and I found no errors whatsoever. You did an astounding job and your last line does "really wrap things up". As it regards your worried lines the only thing I could say was some advice I saw Kevin give someone. Take out the commas and you make the sentence more powerful or something like that. In other words, make it shorter by breaking it up into sentences. How about...
A Northwestern senior once told me that the university's student body is big enough to seem like a community, but small enough to retain an intimate college experience.
Simple. All I did was take out the cousin's boyfriend complexity. Lol Hope you are successful in your applications and get accepted. Great Job once again. Also, could you help me with my essay on UVA supplemental essays. Thanks in advance.
Hey umm. WOW!!! Lol. Great essay. I really love it. Umm i read the entire essay and I found no errors whatsoever. You did an astounding job and your last line does "really wrap things up". As it regards your worried lines the only thing I could say was some advice I saw Kevin give someone. Take out the commas and you make the sentence more powerful or something like that. In other words, make it shorter by breaking it up into sentences. How about...
A Northwestern senior once told me that the university's student body is big enough to seem like a community, but small enough to retain an intimate college experience.
Simple. All I did was take out the cousin's boyfriend complexity. Lol Hope you are successful in your applications and get accepted. Great Job once again. Also, could you help me with my essay on UVA supplemental essays. Thanks in advance.
stimpsimp
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Eating pizza with a pair of chopsticks; culture difference, personal interest [22]
lol thanks melafire. It happens to us all. I may do worse sometimes lol. Melafire what do you think he should do about his situation since he sent in that essay?
lol thanks melafire. It happens to us all. I may do worse sometimes lol. Melafire what do you think he should do about his situation since he sent in that essay?
stimpsimp
Dec 27, 2008
Undergraduate / Eating pizza with a pair of chopsticks; culture difference, personal interest [22]
Umm well you could probably send them a letter or e-mail them. its worth a shot. Dont know if it will work but you won't lose anything right?
Umm well you could probably send them a letter or e-mail them. its worth a shot. Dont know if it will work but you won't lose anything right?
stimpsimp
Dec 27, 2008
Undergraduate / Eating pizza with a pair of chopsticks; culture difference, personal interest [22]
you'd have to start over everything and i dont even know if you can even do that. Pay over application fee, no need for another transcript. In fact i think you'd have to apply next season
you'd have to start over everything and i dont even know if you can even do that. Pay over application fee, no need for another transcript. In fact i think you'd have to apply next season
stimpsimp
Dec 27, 2008
Undergraduate / Eating pizza with a pair of chopsticks; culture difference, personal interest [22]
i personally dont like melafires suggestion because he says activities and "I like hip-hop music" is not an activity. Listening to hip-hop music is an activity so if you want to use activities you'd have to say it something like that. I'd say...
Influenced by both these cultures, I am also able to connect with many others. I like hip-hop music, playing ping pong and I enjoy eating Italian food. I took out the Japanese tea ceremony because I can’t fit it in. This is just a suggestion.
i personally dont like melafires suggestion because he says activities and "I like hip-hop music" is not an activity. Listening to hip-hop music is an activity so if you want to use activities you'd have to say it something like that. I'd say...
Influenced by both these cultures, I am also able to connect with many others. I like hip-hop music, playing ping pong and I enjoy eating Italian food. I took out the Japanese tea ceremony because I can’t fit it in. This is just a suggestion.
stimpsimp
Dec 24, 2008
Undergraduate / "With Pressure, the Fruits of Labor Will Taste Even Sweeter" Common App [5]
It was a connecting door to my social life. The cooperation and communication the sport demanded taught me various lessons throughout the years.
There are many things I can write about when it comes to overcoming adversities; whether it's preparing for huge exams or working through critical times in friendships, I have encountered many obstacles that I have conquered and learned from. - This is rather unnecessary.
However, when it comes to the most heartfelt achievement, an accomplishment against a monstrous task with outrageous pressure, I would have to go with that one time, in the summer of 2006, when my club volleyball team competed in the Junior Olympic Tournament. - Sooooo long. Try and cut back on this to like a short sentence.
How about...
One time, in the summer of 2006, my club volleyball team competed in the Junior Olympic Tournament. There was a lot of pressure to win the tournament.
Or something like that.
You can edit so much out of it cuz i just wrote one a few days ago and I think there was a limit on this, i vaguely remember, but its pretty long. Try and keep it short and to the point because as EF_Kevin told me, you really say more by saying less.
Those are just some corrections. Gotta go so I can read it for you and help you another time. Good luck
It was a connecting door to my social life. The cooperation and communication the sport demanded taught me various lessons throughout the years.
There are many things I can write about when it comes to overcoming adversities; whether it's preparing for huge exams or working through critical times in friendships, I have encountered many obstacles that I have conquered and learned from. - This is rather unnecessary.
However, when it comes to the most heartfelt achievement, an accomplishment against a monstrous task with outrageous pressure, I would have to go with that one time, in the summer of 2006, when my club volleyball team competed in the Junior Olympic Tournament. - Sooooo long. Try and cut back on this to like a short sentence.
How about...
One time, in the summer of 2006, my club volleyball team competed in the Junior Olympic Tournament. There was a lot of pressure to win the tournament.
Or something like that.
You can edit so much out of it cuz i just wrote one a few days ago and I think there was a limit on this, i vaguely remember, but its pretty long. Try and keep it short and to the point because as EF_Kevin told me, you really say more by saying less.
Those are just some corrections. Gotta go so I can read it for you and help you another time. Good luck
stimpsimp
Dec 24, 2008
Undergraduate / Short Response Essays (Dancehall) [6]
Prompt:
Answer the question that corresponds to the school you selected above. Limit your answer to a half page or roughly 250 words.
College of Arts and Sciences: What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way?
My Response:
Dancehall is a popular type of Jamaican music which developed in the late 1970s, initially as a sparser and less political and religious variant of reggae. It caught my attention because of the great impact it has had on the Jamaican society.
The work of Vybz Kartel, a renowned Dancehall artiste, unsettles me because I believe that he plays a great role in increasing the crime rate in Jamaica. Every day, the majority of the Jamaican society consumes itself with his songs which speak of crime and violence. With lyrics such as "Blood affi run inna di streets (run), wen it start nuh bodda tell mi bout nuh peace", the violent nature of Vybz Kartel's songs are evident.
According to a group of Psychology professors, research on violent music reveals unequivocal evidence that media violence increases the likelihood of aggressive and violent behavior in both immediate and long-term contexts. Therefore, it can be seen that as Vybz Kartel continues to condition the minds of the public, through the use of his lyrics, to accept and partake in violence, they eventually begin to do so.
Though freedom of speech is encouraged we must still take into consideration the effect our words have on others as with enough repetition we can condition the minds of others to accept or believe a particular situation. It is for this reason that we must stop supporting Vybz Kartel as long as he continues to exalt violence.
I believe that if this situation is not rectified and is allowed to worsen, it will result in a continued increase in violence and an even more corrupt society. It is for this reason that I always discourage people from listening to his dancehall songs.
Prompt:
Answer the question that corresponds to the school you selected above. Limit your answer to a half page or roughly 250 words.
College of Arts and Sciences: What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way?
My Response:
Dancehall is a popular type of Jamaican music which developed in the late 1970s, initially as a sparser and less political and religious variant of reggae. It caught my attention because of the great impact it has had on the Jamaican society.
The work of Vybz Kartel, a renowned Dancehall artiste, unsettles me because I believe that he plays a great role in increasing the crime rate in Jamaica. Every day, the majority of the Jamaican society consumes itself with his songs which speak of crime and violence. With lyrics such as "Blood affi run inna di streets (run), wen it start nuh bodda tell mi bout nuh peace", the violent nature of Vybz Kartel's songs are evident.
According to a group of Psychology professors, research on violent music reveals unequivocal evidence that media violence increases the likelihood of aggressive and violent behavior in both immediate and long-term contexts. Therefore, it can be seen that as Vybz Kartel continues to condition the minds of the public, through the use of his lyrics, to accept and partake in violence, they eventually begin to do so.
Though freedom of speech is encouraged we must still take into consideration the effect our words have on others as with enough repetition we can condition the minds of others to accept or believe a particular situation. It is for this reason that we must stop supporting Vybz Kartel as long as he continues to exalt violence.
I believe that if this situation is not rectified and is allowed to worsen, it will result in a continued increase in violence and an even more corrupt society. It is for this reason that I always discourage people from listening to his dancehall songs.
stimpsimp
Dec 24, 2008
Undergraduate / Virginia supplement ( the world where I come from) [5]
I was just doing a quick read so...
Thanks to my parents who teaches me the meaning of life—to help others.
First of all what happened thanks to your parents? That sentence seems vague and I don't know what you are referring to. Second of all how about...
Thanks to my parents who taught me the meaning of life—to help others.
but i'd say something like...
Thanks to my parents, I have learnt the meaning of life - to help others.
I was just doing a quick read so...
Thanks to my parents who teaches me the meaning of life—to help others.
First of all what happened thanks to your parents? That sentence seems vague and I don't know what you are referring to. Second of all how about...
Thanks to my parents who taught me the meaning of life—to help others.
but i'd say something like...
Thanks to my parents, I have learnt the meaning of life - to help others.
stimpsimp
Dec 23, 2008
Undergraduate / Short Answer Response, two stories. Which one to chose? [18]
Thanks. I'm gonna use it. Thank you for your comment.
Thanks. I'm gonna use it. Thank you for your comment.
stimpsimp
Dec 23, 2008
Undergraduate / Short Answer Response, two stories. Which one to chose? [18]
Well umm its only supposed to be 150 words or fewer and i'm dead on 150 so i cant do anything to it really and i'm just supposed to elaborate on an activity so i cant that would require more space. Thank you so much for the advice. I've decided to use choice 2 since everyone including myself prefers it. Thank you so much for your advice and if this is what I'll be using:
I was only 11 years old when I first walked into Barita Investments Limited. ...
Well umm its only supposed to be 150 words or fewer and i'm dead on 150 so i cant do anything to it really and i'm just supposed to elaborate on an activity so i cant that would require more space. Thank you so much for the advice. I've decided to use choice 2 since everyone including myself prefers it. Thank you so much for your advice and if this is what I'll be using:
I was only 11 years old when I first walked into Barita Investments Limited. ...
stimpsimp
Dec 23, 2008
Undergraduate / brown supplements - the response. [4]
Your welcome. Well since Kevin commented on it and he's way better than I am, i dont think there's much i can do lol. Good luck with everything. If you still want me to give my insights on the first prompt i can though just let me know
Your welcome. Well since Kevin commented on it and he's way better than I am, i dont think there's much i can do lol. Good luck with everything. If you still want me to give my insights on the first prompt i can though just let me know
stimpsimp
Dec 22, 2008
Undergraduate / Short Answer Response, two stories. Which one to chose? [18]
Thank you very much charliesun. I think i'll go with your and powergirl's advice and use that one. I prefer it myself. I'll just double check for errors of any kind and use it. Thanks again guys.
Thank you very much charliesun. I think i'll go with your and powergirl's advice and use that one. I prefer it myself. I'll just double check for errors of any kind and use it. Thanks again guys.
stimpsimp
Dec 22, 2008
Undergraduate / Short Answer Response, two stories. Which one to chose? [18]
Thank you for your comment powergirl. Any more comments from anyone else?
Thank you for your comment powergirl. Any more comments from anyone else?
stimpsimp
Dec 22, 2008
Undergraduate / Personal Essay - "I had won first place in a Karate competition" [2]
Please write an essay (250 words minimum) on a topic of your choice or on one of the options listed below. This personal essay helps us to become acquainted with you as a person and student, apart from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will also demonstrate your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself.
Prompt:
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
My Response:
Buzz!!! The alarm clock sounds, indicating that it is five o'clock and time for me to get ready. Getting ready was tedious as I was shaking incessantly due to my nervousness. As I head to the car suited in my uniform, I recite motivational speeches reminding me to stay focused and show no fear. On the long car ride I try to calm myself with the mellow tunes of Barry White however this was not enough.
As we pull up to the YMCA auditorium, my hands begin to sweat profusely. My father notices and asks me, "Are you nervous, Ansel?" I quickly nod to indicate my extreme nervousness. In an attempt to comfort me, he holds my hand as we head to the auditorium. As I walk into the auditorium, my heart begins to pound heavily in my chest. I spot my Sensei, who beckons me, and after a quick word with him I feel calmer. After two grueling hours of waiting it is finally time for my first fight. A week ago my dad had entered me in the white and blue belt division for ages 13 and under; it was only on this day that I had realized that I was the only white belt in my division. With the white belt being the lowest belt in our form of Karate and the blue belt succeeding it, the odds are against me. Despite my disadvantage, I am determined to compete against the more experienced.
As I step unto the mat, I look around myself in attempt to gain confidence from the support of my family and friends and thankfully they were all there for me. Walking to the center of the mat, my opponent and I, following tradition, bow to the referees and each other. It is now time for the fight. He lunges at me, but I swiftly avoid his futile attempt and retaliate with a jab to the stomach. "Point!" the referee yells. It feels great. This is my first point ever in an official tournament. The loud cheers of my supporters encourage me even more and I feel as if I am going to actually win this fight. After a few more punches and kicks, the fight is over and I am the acclaimed victor. This is my first official victory in a Karate tournament and it makes me feel even more confident for my remaining fights. Against all odds, it turns out that I win all of my fights against the blue belts. I am elated as I have won first place in a Karate competition as a white belt against blue belts.
That day I learnt a valuable life lesson - despite all odds, anything is possible. After that day it had finally set in that I could do whatever I set my mind to do as long as I stay focused and determined. Whenever I would encourage others to believe in themselves as they can do whatever they set their minds out to do, I would use my experience and the David and Goliath story as I believe that they bring it home to them. I consider that moment a milestone in my life as it taught me very important life lessons that I would carry with me for the rest of my life.
Kindly leave ANY comments you wish, any ways you think I can make my story stronger, what you think of it and also if there are any errors. I am really concerned with my tense and i'd like to know if it's fine and if not, how may I correct this. Please help me improve my essay and thank you very much in advance for all your comments.
Please write an essay (250 words minimum) on a topic of your choice or on one of the options listed below. This personal essay helps us to become acquainted with you as a person and student, apart from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will also demonstrate your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself.
Prompt:
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
My Response:
Buzz!!! The alarm clock sounds, indicating that it is five o'clock and time for me to get ready. Getting ready was tedious as I was shaking incessantly due to my nervousness. As I head to the car suited in my uniform, I recite motivational speeches reminding me to stay focused and show no fear. On the long car ride I try to calm myself with the mellow tunes of Barry White however this was not enough.
As we pull up to the YMCA auditorium, my hands begin to sweat profusely. My father notices and asks me, "Are you nervous, Ansel?" I quickly nod to indicate my extreme nervousness. In an attempt to comfort me, he holds my hand as we head to the auditorium. As I walk into the auditorium, my heart begins to pound heavily in my chest. I spot my Sensei, who beckons me, and after a quick word with him I feel calmer. After two grueling hours of waiting it is finally time for my first fight. A week ago my dad had entered me in the white and blue belt division for ages 13 and under; it was only on this day that I had realized that I was the only white belt in my division. With the white belt being the lowest belt in our form of Karate and the blue belt succeeding it, the odds are against me. Despite my disadvantage, I am determined to compete against the more experienced.
As I step unto the mat, I look around myself in attempt to gain confidence from the support of my family and friends and thankfully they were all there for me. Walking to the center of the mat, my opponent and I, following tradition, bow to the referees and each other. It is now time for the fight. He lunges at me, but I swiftly avoid his futile attempt and retaliate with a jab to the stomach. "Point!" the referee yells. It feels great. This is my first point ever in an official tournament. The loud cheers of my supporters encourage me even more and I feel as if I am going to actually win this fight. After a few more punches and kicks, the fight is over and I am the acclaimed victor. This is my first official victory in a Karate tournament and it makes me feel even more confident for my remaining fights. Against all odds, it turns out that I win all of my fights against the blue belts. I am elated as I have won first place in a Karate competition as a white belt against blue belts.
That day I learnt a valuable life lesson - despite all odds, anything is possible. After that day it had finally set in that I could do whatever I set my mind to do as long as I stay focused and determined. Whenever I would encourage others to believe in themselves as they can do whatever they set their minds out to do, I would use my experience and the David and Goliath story as I believe that they bring it home to them. I consider that moment a milestone in my life as it taught me very important life lessons that I would carry with me for the rest of my life.
Kindly leave ANY comments you wish, any ways you think I can make my story stronger, what you think of it and also if there are any errors. I am really concerned with my tense and i'd like to know if it's fine and if not, how may I correct this. Please help me improve my essay and thank you very much in advance for all your comments.
stimpsimp
Dec 22, 2008
Undergraduate / Short Answer Response, two stories. Which one to chose? [18]
Prompt:
Short Answer In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words or fewer).
Choice 1:
The ball is passed inbound by David to his brother Nigel. Nigel then carries the ball up to the three point line. Seeing Ansel in the center, Nigel passes the ball to him. Ansel then turns, shoots and scores the winning basket all under thirty seconds! As a member of the basketball team I had learnt that team work is a crucial part of the game of basketball and the game of life. It helped my team win the practice game and it has helped me, with the help of friends, schoolmates and family, solve problems I had encountered in far less time than I would have by myself. I know highly regard it as important and encourage others to practice teamwork because it makes things easier to do and you become more productive when you work as a team.
Choice 2:
I was only 11 years old when I first walked into that building. Despite my age, I was enthused and ready to learn. I was overwhelmed with joy as my dad ordered a thousand shares in NCB for me. After some paper work it was done. My dad had placed an order and just a few days later he got a call from the broker confirming the deal. This was the first time I had ever owned shares in a company
...
Please tell me which short story you prefer and also if there are ANY errors of any kind in my responses and also please give me ideas on areas in which I need improvement if any but please take into consideration the word limit. Please and Thank You!!!
Prompt:
Short Answer In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words or fewer).
Choice 1:
The ball is passed inbound by David to his brother Nigel. Nigel then carries the ball up to the three point line. Seeing Ansel in the center, Nigel passes the ball to him. Ansel then turns, shoots and scores the winning basket all under thirty seconds! As a member of the basketball team I had learnt that team work is a crucial part of the game of basketball and the game of life. It helped my team win the practice game and it has helped me, with the help of friends, schoolmates and family, solve problems I had encountered in far less time than I would have by myself. I know highly regard it as important and encourage others to practice teamwork because it makes things easier to do and you become more productive when you work as a team.
Choice 2:
I was only 11 years old when I first walked into that building. Despite my age, I was enthused and ready to learn. I was overwhelmed with joy as my dad ordered a thousand shares in NCB for me. After some paper work it was done. My dad had placed an order and just a few days later he got a call from the broker confirming the deal. This was the first time I had ever owned shares in a company
...
Please tell me which short story you prefer and also if there are ANY errors of any kind in my responses and also please give me ideas on areas in which I need improvement if any but please take into consideration the word limit. Please and Thank You!!!
stimpsimp
Dec 21, 2008
Undergraduate / The University of Pennsylvania Long Supplement Essay [6]
Thank you very much for your help guys. I wanna know if i really need to cut back on this essay cuz I want to use it
Thank you very much for your help guys. I wanna know if i really need to cut back on this essay cuz I want to use it
stimpsimp
Dec 21, 2008
Undergraduate / Evaluate a significant experience you have faced and its impact on you. [6]
I love this essay. In response to EF_Kevin's comment, what do you think about:
That night, the squad building alarm engulfed my ears.
I love this essay. In response to EF_Kevin's comment, what do you think about:
That night, the squad building alarm engulfed my ears.
stimpsimp
Dec 21, 2008
Undergraduate / The University of Pennsylvania Long Supplement Essay [6]
First of all let me say thank you very much for your review. It was really helpful and a confidence booster. I appreciate it. I took what you said into consideration and the new one is below. I made the "to students" change and added a paragraph about what you advised me to do. But there's one dilemma. On the common app site it says:
REQUIRED:
Answer the appropriate essay question: (do not exceed one page.)
4a. For Freshman Applicants only: Describe the courses of study and the unique characteristics of the University of Pennsylvania that most interest you. Why do these interests make you a good match for Penn?
But there's a box where you can type in your response and it says 7900 characters remaining. The new version i'm gonna paste below this post is 5,357 characters. Since I am typing in my response in the box provided, do you think that the one page thing applies to me?
First of all let me say thank you very much for your review. It was really helpful and a confidence booster. I appreciate it. I took what you said into consideration and the new one is below. I made the "to students" change and added a paragraph about what you advised me to do. But there's one dilemma. On the common app site it says:
REQUIRED:
Answer the appropriate essay question: (do not exceed one page.)
4a. For Freshman Applicants only: Describe the courses of study and the unique characteristics of the University of Pennsylvania that most interest you. Why do these interests make you a good match for Penn?
But there's a box where you can type in your response and it says 7900 characters remaining. The new version i'm gonna paste below this post is 5,357 characters. Since I am typing in my response in the box provided, do you think that the one page thing applies to me?
stimpsimp
Dec 19, 2008
Undergraduate / The University of Pennsylvania Long Supplement Essay [6]
Prompt:
Describe the academic programs and unique characteristics of the University of Pennsylvania that most interest you. Why do these interests make you a good match for Penn?
My Response:
From professors to sporting facilities, from libraries to dormitories, The University of Pennsylvania maintains very high standards throughout the campus. I love the fact that Penn is an esteemed leader in many fields of academic and non-academic activities and it is for this reason that I believe that I am a good match for Penn.
Working in an environment with attractive, comfortable and adequate facilities just makes any activity more enjoyable and more productive. At the University of Pennsylvania, beauty is among all. From The Blanche P. Levy Park, with luscious, healthy, green grass as gentle on the skin as a mother's touch, to the deep maroon colored woodwork of the Van Pelt-Dietrich Library Center.
Amassed with a collection of over 4.5 million volumes, Penn's fifteen libraries provide an immense amount of information to students. If I am enrolled as an undergraduate at Penn, due to the capacity of Penn's libraries, it would be quite easy to access information to thousands of articles on my research topic. This would be very beneficial to me as it would allow for me to complete any research project with less strain. With several lounges, study carrels, group study and seminar rooms, and over 150 public computers for student use in the Center, Penn's libraries make it much easier for us students to come together to conduct research or any other form of activity in a comfortable yet productive setting. However, whenever I would need to study by myself, The Fisher Fine Arts Library is the place to be as it is renowned for its silence. This would be very suitable for me as I am a person who prefers silence while undergoing autodidacticism.
If given the opportunity to attend Penn, as an international student, it is inevitable that I would be a resident student therefore it is in my greatest interest that the quality of The University of Pennsylvania's dorms are up to par with my specific standards. According to several sources and statistics, it is evident that the dormitories at Penn are of very high standards. I can picture myself lounging in my bed at my Harrison College House dorm, taking off my shoes and just relaxing after a long lecture or exercise session. With lots of activities to do such as playing table tennis, pool or just hanging out with friends, The Harrison College House is really the place for me.
Another aspect that really draws me to Penn is its sporting facilities. Main interests of mine are basketball, chess and table tennis and I feel that at Penn I would be able to enjoy these comfortably. Regular exercise is crucial for a healthy lifestyle and helps persons achieve optimum performance in academics and other aspects of life. With Penn's fully equipped basketball facilities and gym, regular exercise is only a step away.
I believe that I must strive to achieve the best as only the best is good enough. What that entails for me is attending the University of Pennsylvania as it houses one of the best business schools - the place where students achieve, the place with the best programs, the place with the best reputation, in other words, The Wharton School. With consecutive number one rankings from several ranking institutions, it is obvious to all that The Wharton School is the best. Another factor that draws me to The Wharton School is its aspect of quality professors. I love the fact that Penn only hires professors who have many years of experience in their fields, possess surpassingly adequate qualifications and live what they teach. This ensures quality and I would love to experience this as an undergraduate at Penn. The professors at Wharton are also avid researchers. I believe that at Wharton I would be able to assist the professors with their research and also receive guidance with my future research projects in the field of finance so that I can give back to the school and the community at large. Another aspect of The Wharton School that really intrigues me is the quality of the courses they offer for the area in which I wish to specialize, Finance. If given the chance to attend Wharton I would be able to take part in courses in Corporate Finance, Investment Management, Banking and Financial Institutions and International Finance. This would help me attain my dream of becoming a successful professional in the field of Finance as the courses would help me develop the skills necessary to work at a high level of expertise in all areas of finance.
It is my wish that in the future I would be able to, with the help of the professors at Wharton, devise a means by which we could achieve economic stability worldwide. This would be of great benefit to all as it would help decrease unemployment, reduce poverty and lead to the development of new, advanced technology which could help many. I believe that by attending Penn I would be able to work with my professors and the school's sufficient research facilities in hopes of achieving this long term goal.
With so many of my interests in align with that of both The Wharton School and The University of Pennsylvania, I believe that I would be a perfect match for Penn. It is with collaboration that things get done more productively, in a timelier manner and more effectively. If given the opportunity to work with Penn, I would definitely be willing to work with them so that we can both give back to society.
If you see any errors of any kind or if you have any advice for me, please feel free to state. Thank you to all who help.
Please revise, i'd like to know if they're are any corrections that need to be made whether they be grammatical or otherwise. Also tell me if I am answering the prompt correctly and if not, please state how may I improve on that. Do you think I should remove or retain the first paragraph? Is it necessary, wrong etc.? Also umm, just please feel free to give constructive criticism. All help will be considered and some will be acted upon. Please and Thanks You in advance.
Prompt:
Describe the academic programs and unique characteristics of the University of Pennsylvania that most interest you. Why do these interests make you a good match for Penn?
My Response:
From professors to sporting facilities, from libraries to dormitories, The University of Pennsylvania maintains very high standards throughout the campus. I love the fact that Penn is an esteemed leader in many fields of academic and non-academic activities and it is for this reason that I believe that I am a good match for Penn.
Working in an environment with attractive, comfortable and adequate facilities just makes any activity more enjoyable and more productive. At the University of Pennsylvania, beauty is among all. From The Blanche P. Levy Park, with luscious, healthy, green grass as gentle on the skin as a mother's touch, to the deep maroon colored woodwork of the Van Pelt-Dietrich Library Center.
Amassed with a collection of over 4.5 million volumes, Penn's fifteen libraries provide an immense amount of information to students. If I am enrolled as an undergraduate at Penn, due to the capacity of Penn's libraries, it would be quite easy to access information to thousands of articles on my research topic. This would be very beneficial to me as it would allow for me to complete any research project with less strain. With several lounges, study carrels, group study and seminar rooms, and over 150 public computers for student use in the Center, Penn's libraries make it much easier for us students to come together to conduct research or any other form of activity in a comfortable yet productive setting. However, whenever I would need to study by myself, The Fisher Fine Arts Library is the place to be as it is renowned for its silence. This would be very suitable for me as I am a person who prefers silence while undergoing autodidacticism.
If given the opportunity to attend Penn, as an international student, it is inevitable that I would be a resident student therefore it is in my greatest interest that the quality of The University of Pennsylvania's dorms are up to par with my specific standards. According to several sources and statistics, it is evident that the dormitories at Penn are of very high standards. I can picture myself lounging in my bed at my Harrison College House dorm, taking off my shoes and just relaxing after a long lecture or exercise session. With lots of activities to do such as playing table tennis, pool or just hanging out with friends, The Harrison College House is really the place for me.
Another aspect that really draws me to Penn is its sporting facilities. Main interests of mine are basketball, chess and table tennis and I feel that at Penn I would be able to enjoy these comfortably. Regular exercise is crucial for a healthy lifestyle and helps persons achieve optimum performance in academics and other aspects of life. With Penn's fully equipped basketball facilities and gym, regular exercise is only a step away.
I believe that I must strive to achieve the best as only the best is good enough. What that entails for me is attending the University of Pennsylvania as it houses one of the best business schools - the place where students achieve, the place with the best programs, the place with the best reputation, in other words, The Wharton School. With consecutive number one rankings from several ranking institutions, it is obvious to all that The Wharton School is the best. Another factor that draws me to The Wharton School is its aspect of quality professors. I love the fact that Penn only hires professors who have many years of experience in their fields, possess surpassingly adequate qualifications and live what they teach. This ensures quality and I would love to experience this as an undergraduate at Penn. The professors at Wharton are also avid researchers. I believe that at Wharton I would be able to assist the professors with their research and also receive guidance with my future research projects in the field of finance so that I can give back to the school and the community at large. Another aspect of The Wharton School that really intrigues me is the quality of the courses they offer for the area in which I wish to specialize, Finance. If given the chance to attend Wharton I would be able to take part in courses in Corporate Finance, Investment Management, Banking and Financial Institutions and International Finance. This would help me attain my dream of becoming a successful professional in the field of Finance as the courses would help me develop the skills necessary to work at a high level of expertise in all areas of finance.
It is my wish that in the future I would be able to, with the help of the professors at Wharton, devise a means by which we could achieve economic stability worldwide. This would be of great benefit to all as it would help decrease unemployment, reduce poverty and lead to the development of new, advanced technology which could help many. I believe that by attending Penn I would be able to work with my professors and the school's sufficient research facilities in hopes of achieving this long term goal.
With so many of my interests in align with that of both The Wharton School and The University of Pennsylvania, I believe that I would be a perfect match for Penn. It is with collaboration that things get done more productively, in a timelier manner and more effectively. If given the opportunity to work with Penn, I would definitely be willing to work with them so that we can both give back to society.
If you see any errors of any kind or if you have any advice for me, please feel free to state. Thank you to all who help.
Please revise, i'd like to know if they're are any corrections that need to be made whether they be grammatical or otherwise. Also tell me if I am answering the prompt correctly and if not, please state how may I improve on that. Do you think I should remove or retain the first paragraph? Is it necessary, wrong etc.? Also umm, just please feel free to give constructive criticism. All help will be considered and some will be acted upon. Please and Thanks You in advance.
stimpsimp
Dec 18, 2008
Undergraduate / The courses of study and the unique characteristics - Upenn essay [4]
Sorry I gotta do this but I gotta break it to you. It's too long. I checked it and its like a page and what? 3/4? Nice going with the essay but I think you should try and find a way to cut back on the amount of words but at the same time keep your strongest points and good luck. Trust me, I know its not easy. I have the same problem. It will probably take you a long time to reduce the word amount but you can do it. Best regards.
Sorry I gotta do this but I gotta break it to you. It's too long. I checked it and its like a page and what? 3/4? Nice going with the essay but I think you should try and find a way to cut back on the amount of words but at the same time keep your strongest points and good luck. Trust me, I know its not easy. I have the same problem. It will probably take you a long time to reduce the word amount but you can do it. Best regards.
