Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Take your time, Michael. Do you think the essay is better though? The requirements told us to use quotations sparingly, so that was why I only used one quote. Also, I already have 397 words, and the maximum is 400. Somehow, I think the essay is a little worse than the last one, even though I did not change anything at all. Can you provide an assessment? sorry to trouble you

Writing Feedback / Go out to work (both parents have to work nowadays) [17]

Because [DON'T START YOUR SENTENCES WITH BECAUSE], their parents are able to afford more things such as new clothes, up to dated computers and mobile phones and video games.

Undergraduate / 'About Jerry' - common app - Describe a fictional character and its influence. [10]

thanks for looking at my essay. I'll come back with a lot of grammar mistakes, because I have to leave in 5 minutes. But nice and funny essay! But work on your grammar a bit more!

I remember announcing that on my ninth birthday before our only new television. imaging [television imaging] You hit a rat headed for Y[lowercase y] our cheese with a big cupboard; it survives it and still gets on the cheese.

He said i [capital i] could never study abroad since we were indigent. [In addition] plus, I can't match the intelligence of the whites".

i [capital I] had been rejected by the only school I could apply to, Berea College.

Undergraduate / 'always wanted to go to' - The top five reasons you want to attend Virginia Tech? [3]

This is the school I've always wanted to go to, where I can attain the highest possible education in the most reputable facility for that field of study:

This is the school I've always wanted to go to, where I can attain the highest possible education in the most reputable facility in the field of Computer Engineering.

Considering I'm of a different ethnic descent from most Americans, I find talking about differences in ethnic backgrounds with other people to be quite enjoyable, learning more about others as they learn about me.

I lived in Blacksburg before for my whole life, but now I moved to Maryland. I went to Gilbert Linkols Elementary, or I think that's what it's still called.

Undergraduate / 'DETERMINED TO BE SOMEBODY' - Howard University Admission Essay [4]

write about something unique. Jaybird has a point. There are thousands of people that apply to Howard that write about I'm going to be something great or something like that. Be unique.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Thanks Michael. Do you think the essay is better though? The requirements told us to use quotations sparingly, so that was why I only used one. Can you provide an assessment? sorry to trouble you

Scholarship / 'pursing a medical vocation' stating career plans,aspirations and use of funds [4]

much better. I can't find any mistakes, but I think I'm wrong, but you state this fact: Funds will be used to help alleviate some of the financial hardship for my family currently paying for college tuition for three students this year.

Perhaps you could elaborate on that a little more. For example, something like my dad has a part-time job, has to work at night...

Scholarship / 'pursing a medical vocation' stating career plans,aspirations and use of funds [4]

A very good essay overall, however, you are saying what every other person who wants a scholarship says. If you want to win, then you have to be unique. I can bet you that more than 20 people applying for this scholarship will be saying something relevant to financial hardship, paying for books, tuition, etc. The medical example is a good one, and I think that you should delete the part about staying in a dorm.

I sincerely hope that you will consider my application for the **************** scholarship as the funds would be used to help alleviate some of the financial hardship for my family currently paying for college tuition for three students this year. Winning this scholarship would help me in many important ways such as paying for tuition, books, being able to stay in a dorm, and it would definitely bring me one step closer to reaching my long term goal of becoming a doctor, a far reaching impact on my future.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

hey Michael. I have fashioned a much better introduction and will begin a completely new revision of the essay. The revised essay will still contain a lot of things in the previous post, but it won't have as much ambiguity as the previous one. Here is my introduction I've just started though:

Gigantic flags of red, white, and blue, spinning streamers, noisemakers, and centerpieces, children screaming in parades: sounds just like the paragon birthday party! Yet, the 4th of July is much more than our country's birthday. It is a time to experience a sense of unity and true American pride to stand beside your fellow Americans, and thank our founding fathers for the liberties and freedoms that have made this day possible.

However, I don't how to link it to my next sentence. I think it feels a bit awkward. I want to link it to this sentence:

To the Founding Fathers, I thank you for instilling pride in every American by penning your eloquent words of freedom in the Declaration of Independence.

I was also wondering why my knowledge of theme points for your last grading (it was a total of 20 out of 30 points) was so low. I thought I included a lot more examples of the documents like the Declaration of Independence. Thanks

Undergraduate / 'I love eating food and finance' - roommate essay, babson supplement [5]

Before I start telling you about myself first, I would like to congratulate you for being accepted into the extremely prestigious college and extraordinary community of Babson College:

This should be fixed to Before I start telling you about myself first, I would like to congratulate you for being accepted into the extremely prestigious and extraordinary community of Babson College.

cant- can not

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

thank you michael f.
I was wondering what I need to work on the most. I thought I included enough knowledge of the theme information, and I was wondering why my clarity of ideas is so low. I thought I would get at least 15 points higher. Can you provide some critique on how to improve my essay even more? Thanks,

Kyle

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

thank you justin h8
please grade it out of 100 points please. I have 352 words, so I was wondering if you think I should add another paragraph.

It is 5 A.M. on a Wednesday morning. My friends have fallen asleep, exhausted by the excitement of the 4th of July celebration. Needing some time for myself, I sneak out onto my balcony and stare at the houses below. The image of diligent and honest American citizens enters my mind. I am proud to stand beside them and call them my friends. We are all united by the principles of liberty that our founding fathers have established.

Writing Feedback / Essay on iImportance of electricity in people's daily routine [8]

I don't really think it is suitable. You can use something like first and foremost, furthermore, etc. etc.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

okay michael. I'll post my essay as soon as I'm done. Hope to get at least 90 points or higher hopefully :D

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

I don't want to take too much of your time, sorry if I am. :)
But can you just grade this essay. I posted it in another thread and they said that the essay was really good. The moderators said it was one of the best essays she ever read. So I was wondering if you grade it out of 100 points like you did previously. Thanks:)

It is 5 A.M. on a Sunday morning. Needing a temporary reprieve from reality, I sneak out onto my balcony. From there, I stare out into the pre-dawn darkness and gaze at the faint outlines of Lady Liberty's flaming torch and spiked crown. Tall and powerful, her very presence offers a sense of freedom and a new beginning.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

thanks for encouragement :D
what do you mean by the "original essay?"
are you talking about the essay that I wrote when I first started this thread? By that I mean the first post in this thread, and that was my essay.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

which essay are you grading number 1 or number 2
thanks though I am really ashamed of myself
40 points, wow really But thanks for your help

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

thanks michael, but just an afterthought: I was wondering that the first essay doesn't really have the kind of sentences essay 2 has. I mean essay 1 is more grouped together, not flowing easily. I dunno. What about you?

Are you going to be a contributor? I will post my essay as soon as I am done.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

it is okay michael f.
thank you can you give me an idea of what I would get out of a 100 point scale I really don't know how to revise this essay and what your guidelines mean. I think it is pretty good, but I see what you mean. Can you give me some more examples?

also, I was thinking that the Statue of Liberty emphasizes freedom, right?
Furthermore, our founding fathers emphasized the importance of freedom through the bill of rights
that is a connection right? I thought the connection was implied.
Also, can you point out some other things that are non relevant?
can you show me what you mean by adding contributions. I think you mean the Bill of Rights, Declaration of Independence, etc.
Do you think the statements between the paragraphs are rhetorical? Also, do you think my way of communicating is okay?
I have another essay written according to your guidelines. It is not finished, but I think it is better. Can you which of the two essays I have below are better? I personally like the second one, but the first one better follows your guidelines.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

thank you can you give me an idea of what I would get out of a 100 point scale I really don't know how to revise this essay and what your guidelines mean. I think it is pretty good, but I see what you mean. Can you give me some more examples?

also, I was thinking that the Statue of Liberty emphasizes freedom, right?
Furthermore, our founding fathers emphasized the importance of freedom through the bill of rights
that is a connection right? I thought the connection was implied.
Also, can you point out some other things that are non relevant?
can you show me what you mean by adding contributions. I think you mean the Bill of Rights, Declaration of Independence, etc.
Do you think the statements between the paragraphs are rhetorical? Also, do you think my way of communicating is okay?

Graduate / 'Coming back to Iraq' - Future plans. Is there a mis-in the following formula [2]

yes there is. red is what I have changed
My future plans include coming back to Iraq and continue of researches and developing my Specialize. Then, I look forward to serve my country to participate in the reconstruction through my current position or by teaching in Iraqi universities that is one of my biggest ambitions.

revise it to something similar to this: My future plans include coming back to Iraq and continuing my research and achieving my biggest ambitions . Then, I look forward to serve my country to participate in reconstruction through my current position and by teaching in Iraq universities.

please look at my thread

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

thank you so much Susan. Can more people look at my essay? I think my ideas might be a little off. What score would you give me out of 100? Please be honest.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

thank you can you give me an idea of what I would get out of a 100 point scale I really don't know how to revise this essay and what your guidelines mean. I think it is pretty good, but I see what you mean. Can you give me some more examples?

also, I was thinking that the Statue of Liberty emphasizes freedom, right?
Furthermore, our founding fathers emphasized the importance of freedom through the bill of rights
that is a connection right? I thought the connection was implied.
Also, can you point out some other things that are non relevant?
can you show me what you mean by adding contributions. I think you mean the Bill of Rights, Declaration of Independence, etc.
Do you think the statements between the paragraphs are rhetorical? Also, do you think my way of communicating is okay?

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

But I think that if I write thank the founding fathers for their contributions, that is what everybody will write. I want something unique. I think that it might be better if I write about how the contributions that they made affected society. are you saying that I should write about the constitution, bill of rights, etc. do you think I have a chance of winning through this essay? there are 50 national winners in the competition, and the one you read was first place.

. Please be strict and honest when you reply to the question about whether I will win. I am 12 years old, so I don't know about my skill.

what score would you give me out of 100? :)

Writing Feedback / 'perception and life stages' - Why is happiness difficult to define? [5]

it is a good essay, however, you are not answering the prompt" Why is happiness difficult to define?"
Your response is attaining happiness, which is only part of the prompt.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

oh yes I'm dearly sorry michael go to this website and click read winning essay vfw.org/Community/Patriot-s-Pen/ oh yeah this is my new revised essay plz take a look

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

yeah I agree with you. But do you know how to make it more creative? I think my sentences are sort of grouped like a normal essay, no sense of creativity or that free sense of writing. I am participating in a writing contest, and this girl was the winner of last year's writing prompt. This year has a new writing prompt. But look at the way she writes, with so much creativity.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

oh do you think that I can start off the essay with something about fathers day. I want to play a pun on (founding) fathers day and thank my founding fathers for everything they have done ie. the examples that I put

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

everyone please look at my revised essay above I need help
thank you so much hadi

Undergraduate / 'When one dies...' - What experience defines you as a person? [4]

The essay defines yourself wonderfully as a person and as someone who perseverance when faced with hard times. You did seem to have a little problems with grammar and word choice, however, those are small things compared to your essay. There are also a few run-on sentences.

These two sentences should be deleted: Also, I know that you were probably expecting an answer that showed how hard I worked, how I well I did and or how I achieved in a certain situation or contest. Know that, I chose this as my answer because this experience has truly been what defined me as a person most and I just want you to know how amazing these two men are.

Please take a look at my founding father thread, if you have time.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

thanks

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

I was wondering that don't you think that the questions are sort of cliche.Sorry, BachChaconne2. You're right; I should come up with my own.

Undergraduate / College essay- my mother's Schizophrenia has impacted my life? [4]

yeah it's pretty good but I think you used a thesaurus on some of the words.
the length is okay
service/solutions- use solutions
always/usually-use always
word choice is mainly okay, but I think that bounty of potential is okay, but you might be able to think of something better

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

can more people look at my thread thank you so much though i will look at your threadDo you think the questions are okay I'm a little worried. Yeah, they do sound a little cliche. How do you think I should fix it

Undergraduate / UC Transfer Prompt: 1 and 2 (How I found myself & overcame depression) [12]

red means delete green means add
weighting- weighing
In high school at best I was a B student p[at best] when I tried, [and frankly enough] I never really tried actually

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

You should be a contributor! No doubt about it!!! :D thanks so much

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

I have my revised essay above please take a look the maximum is 400 words but I have 467

Undergraduate / UC Transfer Prompt: 1 and 2 (How I found myself & overcame depression) [12]

Well, have you ever taken any classes or read any books considering philosophy? That would be another alternative. Yeah, I know what you are saying when there are no internships or volunteer services related directly to philosophy.

Either way, your essays are great.

I was never the overachiever; I've always consider myself an underdog. add a semicolon here
Felt [Feeling ] so close to dying, I didn't eat nor socialized, I was just waiting for the day so it could end.
Eventually I had an epiphany, [and I saw] I was self destructing, and I wasn't helping myself.

In community college, it was where I found myself.　 You used past tense in all the other sentences you have to use WAS here.
Every problem I have now is easy compared to depression, as depression made me into a better problem solver.

Essays / How to convert a 3-point thesis statement into an idea. Essay on Short Story. [2]

The narrator and main character Montresor manages to succeed in punishing his secret enemy, Fortunato, with impunity by not having any sort of legal punishment placed upon himself, nor any feelings of guilt of his wrong doing and not having any misfortune happen to him during or long after his questionable, although justifiable to Montresor, revenge on Fortunato.

This is a good idea here: The ends justify the means.
You can go search it up. It means that whatever you do, the outcome always undos all the bad things you've done. So, Montresor went through a lot to punish his enemy, and in the end it was worth it.

Or you can say something about revenge: like revenge is bad and quote something

Undergraduate / UC Transfer Prompt: 1 and 2 (How I found myself & overcame depression) [12]

For UC Transfer Prompt 1, I think that you should add more details about volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities. You describe the activities in the school classroom, yet not outside of school. Have you ever been involved in something that regards philosophy: perhaps a philosophy club? :)

Great essays though!
By the by, what college is UC anyway?