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Posts by shine lee
Joined: Jan 6, 2009
Last Post: Aug 7, 2009
Threads: 1
Posts: 36  

From: Viet Nam

Displayed posts: 37
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shine lee   
Aug 7, 2009
Undergraduate / Lesson learned from my ankle injury - 'nothing was missing from my experience' [8]

okay, though U show that its topic is another, I really dislike your tone, there's something seems not attractive, really. It's like a little bit showing-off and a sometimes vacuous, I hope U could still show your talents, of course, but more secretly. Don't show clearly like that. Your essay would be so much better

Uhm, another thing isreading this essay made me think You are a very talent man, but can not point out what you learn from this jury. Why don't U sit alone and wonder what is the true lesson U learn from that or is it just a made-up lesson?? Yes, there is something missig but U must find out yourself, so the reader can totally understand U.

good luck!! I'm eager to read your second essay, it would be awesome
shine lee   
Jul 23, 2009
Essays / Characteristics of a good friend (which friend would you choose) [6]

is it an application essay? it seems to be a TOEFL essay T.T. Anyway, I will help you a hand but I guess it will be the last time to do a TOEFL essay in this forum.

About your idea, I think You should brainstorm the way like that what advantages a reliable friend could bring to you. For example, this friend could bring us the trusty: you could tell him whatever you want without being afriad that he will tell anyone. Thanks to that, you will feel more comfortable to be yourself when you're with him..then... Moreover, he's also the guy who can help us when we got trouble because he'll do best to help us. That's why we can aslo feel safe when you're doing with him. He's not only a friend but also a helpful co-worker. That's just my suggestion. You could try it
shine lee   
Jul 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "valuable traits", "photographer" - Need help on revising two application essays [19]

prompt 1:
Great story!! I like your story, however, I still think your essay should change a little bit.
About the introduction, I think it should be your conclusion, Reading such a long intro like this make me asleep. It would be awesome if I read a conclusion like this,of course if it were conclusion, it would still need some change appropriately.

And about the sentence beginning with " For instance" or " For example" I really don't like it, U know, quite informal. For example, the sentence: "For instance, photography.". It would be great if U change it into :" ...discover what I am good at and what I enjoy doing like(for example) I have a passion in photography".

And could you tell me more about what you learnt from fighting this disease: perseverance, determination and patience. How did you learn them? It will attract the reader more.

Prompt 2:
I love it!
As years passed, that same raw interest has never faded; but only grew stronger. Now that I am older what used to be childs' (child's) play has now become my passion

'Knows how to capture the beauty on this earth; who can see the small details admist (I don't know the word you're using here but it's probably incorrect) the larger landscape
shine lee   
Jul 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "My work experience" -- Too...nonchalant? [9]

uhm, Jacox, I hate to say that your essay is really not interesting, it should conclude some details like how your job is, or how you feel when doing that job...Make it animate to attract the reader or adcom, don't just tell them about your job and a little vacuous, sorry :(
shine lee   
Mar 9, 2009
Undergraduate / SMU essay (took part in the victory) [19]

yes, maybe you could go to the point directly, I feel that your intro quite long but it's appropriate for the frame of the essay. Hmm, Could you shorten it little bit? It would be great!
shine lee   
Mar 8, 2009
Undergraduate / Nanyang: My proudest achievement essay. [9]

Sorry, Kevin. Can I have a word before you? ^^
In my opinion, some sentences of your essay are not connected, a bit confusing. you could make them sound smoothly if you connect them wisely , especially the first sentences. And your style is quite blunt, why don't you make it more graceful? that would be awesome!!

and about the length of the essay, I think you can shorten it by shortening the first sentences. I have to admit that I don't like them ^^.

Good luck!! and your story is great :)
shine lee   
Mar 8, 2009
Undergraduate / SMU essay (took part in the victory) [19]

hmm you can change : " I love and I'm proud of what I have, what I achieved and what I learned. I believe that What I got today will help me achieve my future goal" into " I love and I treasure everything I've got now : my achievements as well as my lessons because I know that each achievement has contribute to create a person I am today and I will be later. " (sorry if it sounds stupid or ridiculous)

and I still think the conclusion is a bit weak, it's some kind of boring, let make the reader read something unique, something unique about you, about your future.

good luck!!!!
shine lee   
Feb 17, 2009
Undergraduate / Personal statement for UW app; "How on earth did I get here?" [6]

wow, I've never read any essay longer than yours. It makes me exhausted to read ^^ sorry
The first problem is that your essay is too long. Normally, good essay is about 700>900 words. The ad-coms usually read a lot of essay like this everyday so when they read a too long essay, I'm sure that they will not be pleased no matter what how good your essay is.

The second problem is that your essay is full of unnecessary things. Remember your essay should review one aspect of your life or two.. But you shouldn't write everything about your life: your history, your relationship, blah blah.. Reading your essay makes me think that you write 3 or 4 essays, not 1.

So first, you should reread your essay and shorten it. It's the best thing you could do right now.
Sorry if I sound too harsh! It's just my opinion
Good luck!
shine lee   
Feb 16, 2009
Undergraduate / BYU-What sets you apart from other applicants on unique life experience [4]

I feel that essay has some problem. 3 paragraphs above You only talk about how you tried to improve. However, in the last paragraph, U concluded that U have many friends... That's quite ridiculous. No offense but I think maybe you should rewrite the concluding para.

Good luck!
shine lee   
Jan 22, 2009
Undergraduate / An important issue ("She is always") [11]

yeah, you make your essay quite serious, really fast! ^^
you could make it slower, couldn't you?
it's pretty hard to breath when I read your essay? ^^ it makes me imagine about your life when you study in Le Hong Phong,

hmm, don't know what to say, your essay would be awesome if U slow it down a little bit
good luck
shine lee   
Jan 17, 2009
Undergraduate / Why did I choose UCF (Electrical & Computer Science program) [4]

not really interesting! hmm
The outstanding UCF Division I athletics also attracted me to apply because of its exciting and competitive program. With me being the strong and die-hearted sports fan that I am, I'm going to need a strong and competitive sports program to cheer on. I have competed in several sports like track, basketball, and my most favorite football . During my last two years in high school, I helped lead my team to the second round in the playoffs, as one of the starting wide receivers (make no sense)

your essay is generally okay, but actually I must confess that I don't like it much, you should focus on 1 thing to make your essay more impressive

good luck! hope my opinion useful
shine lee   
Jan 15, 2009
Undergraduate / FSU Essay: "Vires, Artes, Mores", focus on "Vires" [4]

While I still believe this the forefront of the concept of "physical strength," the truth of strength is found elsewhere. ( you should make this sentence or your intro clearer, it's so vague so the reader may not understand your intro)

It's been 4 months and 8 days since I came off of the operating table and everyday since then I have struggled to reclaim my life. Even to this day, I still have the feeling that I'm trapped in a different body, a weaker body. Nevertheless, I strive to strengthen my body through physical therapy and constant dedication. Although I lost much of my physical strength, I learned the truth of a more valuable kind of strength. (I feel you talk about your vires too little? you should focus more about how you find out this and what it affected to you? your essay talked but not show much.

just my opinion.
Best of luck!
shine lee   
Jan 15, 2009
Undergraduate / I really need help starting my UT Austin essay [9]

It's just my suggestion,
First, you should seperate it into some paragraphs, and it would be easier to read.
Second, you should have a thesis statement for this para to make the reader what you want them understand.
Some people believe in love at first sight, while other people believe that it takes time to love someone. It is hard to form a relationship with someone whom you do not even know. In order to build a strong bond between two people it takes time, patience, and trust. If that relationship goes well then it ends in a marriage. However, there are still some cultures out there that do not allow their children to meet that special someone on their own.

..
And this essay is a complaint rather than a essay, you have complained your parents for several times; I don't think adcom will like it.

Last, your essay doen't tell how you resolve your problem, maybe your solution would make your essay more interesting..
Good luck!
shine lee   
Jan 9, 2009
Undergraduate / commonapp essay- cliches (and topic ideas) [12]

uhm, it's hard to say. in my opinion, people prefer that you express yourself, or reveal more about yourself than you are teaching or persuading them to do anything.

It's just my opinion.
best of luck!
shine lee   
Jan 9, 2009
Undergraduate / commonapp essay- cliches (and topic ideas) [12]

Dull; boring; one dimensional; platitudinal (platitudinous) ; newspaperese; filled with clichés. She talked about clichés a lot.
Why introduce them to the world as evil in a brainwashing event to slowly kill them off? (do U Think this sentence is quite rude?)

haha, reading essay makes me think about a campaign speech, lol, and I really follow your essay until I realize that it is a essay ^^ (I thought it was your problem :)
shine lee   
Jan 8, 2009
Undergraduate / Bring on the Criticism- Common Application Essay [6]

I feel that you tell too much, but not show
There is a point in every person's life in which they can look back and know, that's when it all started. For me, that was six years ago. That was when I joined the Clean-Up Crew. Despite the name, we weren't janitors. We were a LEGO league robotics team (you could make this smooth, right?)

you should separate into 2 or 3 paragraphs to make the reader easier to follow, it's a pretty long paragraph,
it's just my opinion
good luck!
shine lee   
Jan 8, 2009
Undergraduate / My first day at HUT, I felt an acute sense of disappointment; Significant Experience [8]

totally agree with Sean, you tell too much! and your stylistic writing is not impressive or interesting to make the readers follow.
you should follow Sean's advice, it's my suggestion
P/S: Nice to meet u,some of my friends are Vietnamese, too and one has the name like yours, Dung, right? lol
shine lee   
Jan 7, 2009
Undergraduate / Metallism: a real unorthodox commonapp essay [8]

Do you know how it feels to be touched by God? I do. I swear. I felt him yesterday. (make no sense)
I think you should tell how Metalism (or metal rock, I don't know) affects you.
your essay doesn't talk much about you
shine lee   
Jan 7, 2009
Undergraduate / Common application-A topic of importance: GREED [5]

sorry? Is it a common app essay? I think it is a Toefl essay rather than a admission essay.
Greed can lead to three good qualities for society which is ambition, innovation, and cooperation.
On the other hand, greed allows us to be ambitious, innovative, and cooperative.
your essay reveals nothing about you, sorry if my comment is too harsh, but I really think that you should rewrite the essay
shine lee   
Jan 7, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Smart, fun, initiating' - VILLANOVA ESSAY [3]

Life has not once taught me lessons how to appreciate friendship and value its presence. I have always been surrounded by people unique in their own way; people who taught me tolerance and patience, gave wisdom and guidance, showed me the art of listening to others. While all of them have had their input in my personality growth, some have remained my best friends forever (quite confusing) . And there are endless stories that have shaped our friendship. But I would rather recall one from my childhood. ( not really attractive, I think )

Being the only child in the family, I was extremely excited to meet a friend to play
In the evening the door bell rang and I ran to open it. It was the beginning of a great friendship I cherish till now (I think it makes no sense)

My little guest was very ("quite" is better) unusual

But (however) outside the house, Dimitriy's world was limited.

We could not play volleyball or soccer: (because) his bones were fragile and at high risk of being broken

First a few words, than a casual game, and Dima little by little would adjust to his newly emerging relationships. Sometimes in the playground he was being so stubborn that we would even forget about his disability and quarrel with him on equal. But that was exactly what he needed - to be treated like anybody else. He hated sympathy because he did not feel sorry for himself (well you didn't talk much about how you helped him, it would be awesome if you talk more about that)

I learnt about compassion and kindheartedness towards those people who by destiny are different. You need to open your heart and accept them the way they are. These people can be very unique. They become spiritually more sophisticated, tender, understanding, and surprisingly optimistic. All you need is to be open enough to knock into their world and guard them against the cruelty and heartlessness of the surrounding world; to penetrate into their heart and offer a true friendship, for it is blessing. (It is great, I like it!)
shine lee   
Jan 7, 2009
Undergraduate / "Chase my love to secret of nature and philosophy" - Intellectual Goal [5]

let's see what I could do for you.
first I think you should identify clearly your personal or academic interests which's related to your intellectual or professional goals.(you should do it by your own because it would reveal more about you)

then relax and try writing (and try to write it) again :)
that may be effective, I understand your stress, I got the same too, and it worked for me
good luck!
P/s: when you have already identified, call us and we will help you if you need, good luck again :]
shine lee   
Jan 7, 2009
Undergraduate / "Chase my love to secret of nature and philosophy" - Intellectual Goal [5]

They share who have different characters and backgrounds, attract me to get to know of them; and be acquainted with them, I am always willing to listen to their stories.

Although I treated Mathematics and Physics most seriously and therefore harvested an appreciation of the fantastic world of nature science, my interest in various fields and some kind of fear hesitated me to be an engineer. But Harry' s story instructs me that it is worthwhile to chase my love to secret of nature and philosophy to solve practical problems although sometimes it does appear tough and awesome This answers for your question,

I think that your essay got problem, the intro doesn't fit the entire paragraph.
You should revise or rewrite it.
sorry if my comment is harsh.
shine lee   
Jan 7, 2009
Undergraduate / We should sense the world as it is; extracurricular activity, community service essay [2]

When I was in fifth grade, my teacher organized a class visit to Welfare House. It was first time for all of us. ; which is our first time. On our arrival, the Chairman welcomed us, made an introduction, then showed us about (about what?)

We should sense the world as it is, make a difference in daily life, and to care for everyone around. Yes, we should. (make no sense)

I still think that you didn't answer the question clearly, right? why you initially chose it, why you continued with it
shine lee   
Jan 7, 2009
Undergraduate / USC Essay- ("Newton's First Law of Motion") [6]

For the first time in ages, andrenalineadrenaline rapidly rushed as my body repetivelyrepetitively shivered
Enervated, and drained, I finally allowed myself to stop- at a dimly littedlittered park (I guess it is our word, right?)
As the night beginbegan to seep in the park, I sat on a bench, staring at the skies, feeling as though I was a nobody with no view

Soon I heard footsteps tap, and then a stranger Mr. Sanjojo came up to me and asked me if I had a home
Sincere and good essay, your essay sounds like a fairytale which my grandmother often tells me, lol
shine lee   
Jan 6, 2009
Undergraduate / "Decorum Delegates! Decorum!" - UPenn pg. 217 from 300pg. autobiography [8]

your essay is quite interesting ("really" I must say that) and catchy too.
The moment hadfinally come
however, until I finished reading your essay, I still didn't recognize which quality you want to show to us? Your eagerness to present for your country? quite vague! Am I really bad that I can't understand your essay?

anyway, I must confess that your essay makes me read until the last sentence.
best of luck!
shine lee   
Jan 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Democracy itself guarantees the right to express; ISSUE OF IMPORTANCE [6]

great essay!
As for my own reason to appreciate democracy, my deep interest in understanding the universe includes an objective knowledge of the society, whose diversification keeps splendid in my heart. When I get on a subway train and encounter people who speak with different accents, wear different clothes, belong to different communities, and are busy with different cases, I feel the fantasy of the colorful society and believe that democracy is the best way to support the fusion of communities and the forgery of a new harmonious society (I love this)

you should talk more about you, this essay would be awesome!
shine lee   
Jan 6, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Golfing activity' - common app short answer [9]

uhm, your essay is quite confusing, I don't know whether you want to get the attention to golf or influence from your grandfather. Your first sentences talk most about your grandfather, but the last just talks about the golf.

hmm, I think you should focus in one thing: golf or your grandfather?
If you want to focus on your grandfather, you should follow icemaster's suggestion and change your last.
Or if you want to talk about golf, you should change in another way.
Best of luck!
shine lee   
Jan 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application essay- Money [3]

Linnus is absolutely right! you can tell us one of your experience with money stuff (something like that) which could reveal more about you.
I could have an example for you: you can tell about one time you caught a bunch of money, and you must wondered a lot of times to choose between the money or your honour, between the bad side and good side inside of you...

It's just my suggestion.
good luck!
shine lee   
Jan 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Father's love is deep and silent, and always there it is; he influenced me [5]

Nice essay, it is very sincere. You are quite sensitive.
It is forever regret that I missed so much experience for children and I therefore see him as a (an) untypical father although I am reluctant to affix the label of incompetence to him. In adolescent years I could not help yelling at him and rarely followed his words on anything.

But (And) I do know he loves me so much
(I prefer to use "and" than "but")

n that summer, he got up early in spare mornings, take (took) a stroll with me in the park, telling (told) me his story of fighting against fate. During the Spring Festival when he had his leg broken and recovered at home, we read and write (wrote)in the same room where we chatted for a long time. When he stood at the window, watching (he watched) me lighting fireworks outside, smiling (then/and smiled), I said to myself it was such a wonderful moment, the first time we were so close to each other for almost 10 years.
shine lee   
Jan 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Villanova University Supp. "Thai boy Chart" [12]

Do not underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around

sorry, I still think you should change your last sentence a little to make it smooth, "Do not" sound like a little rude, you could change your sentence that

And I learn a lesson that I would never underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around

what do you think?
shine lee   
Jan 6, 2009
Undergraduate / UT essay ("a pair of the beautiful earnings") [7]

Actually, I agree with onido, you didn't mention about you (if not include the intro and the last paragraph), I think you should figure out how she affect you (I think that), not only talking about her so we can know more about you rather than your aunt.

and I have another way which could help you:
first: choose the quality you like best from her and talk about it
second: tell how it affect you ( how, when,why... )
third: show how you at the present are different from you in the past
last: your conclusion
shine lee   
Jan 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Villanova University Supp. "Thai boy Chart" [12]

hey I really like your essay, so here is my suggestion, maybe it will help your essay

This one day service trip pushed me to step outside of my comfort zone and take initiative to help those less fortunate than I. There is no better feeling than knowing you've made a positive impact on another person's life. I now know it is my responsibility, due to all of the privileges I have been lucky enough to receive, to help those that have been less lucky. We may not be able to perfect the word in our lifetimes, but our efforts are surely greatly rewarded. (Although I know that we may not be able to perfect the word in our lifetimes or our efforts may be little, at least we would gain something much more valuable from this wonderful world.)

It's just my suggestion, best of luck
P/s: your Richmond essay is great!
shine lee   
Jan 6, 2009
Undergraduate / common app essay, topic of your choice ("Mona Lisa smiles") [4]

"Sometimes I wonder our if our friendship is fake or not."
The girl bitterly shouted the last words, just like clapping on my face, and left me alone with my tons of confusing feelings. I thought I was superior to Thuy's behaviors just proved that I'm nothing more than a trivial villain like her. I thought I was the winner, but no one won this stupid game, all were losers. I was terribly wrong. Wearing an emotional mask just harms both my feelings and other's feelings, too.

"La la la...
Sincerity in stead of sham
You are the one I should fall for
I don't want to pretend any more..."
An unknown melody was sung somewhere, breezing to my soul. (Not necessary, make no sense)


I suddenly realized it was not too late. I took a deep breath, cast my eyes through the window, then determined to correct my mistakes. Out there, at the horizon the sun wasn't down completely, but giving its last rays of lights for the day. It was not too late for everything. Through the violet light of the sunset, I saw myself smiling at Thuy again, with a sincere tolerance and willing to help this time.
shine lee   
Jan 6, 2009
Undergraduate / common app essay: my father [2]

Until I was 15, I used to think that I'm really lucky to have a father like my daddy. I'm proud of him so much.

When I went to events with my dad, I always felt like a star. People would praise me in front of him. Although in retrospect I don't know if they were being sincere, their praise made me think that I was a really super star and I swelled with pride. But if I were a star, then my father would be the Sun, extremely bright. My father commanded a respect that extended beyond his prestigious position at work. He is very charismatic, and brims with such confidence at wit that people cannot help but want to listen to him. He also has a reputation for kindness and reliability, and anyone who knows him cannot help but trust him. Even when people talked about me, it was always as "Mr. Hai's Son."

At the age of 16, I changed my mind. Sometimes I even wish that I had another father, everyone but not him.
Returning to the real life, I realize that without my dad, I was nothing, was no one. Maybe for some of my teachers and friends, I stood out thanks to my grades and sociability. But without my dad, people just considered me a normal boy. And I came to realize that, even when I was with him, the praise I received had little to do with me. No one knew anything about my abilities; the only thing they saw was just my father, not me. That hurt my feelings. And I had to admit that I was not as charming as my father. I was often shy and diffident in front of others. So I was never really the "star" of the party at all. Sometimes I often wonder whether people see the light from a star because it is the light of star itself, or the light from the Sun and the Star is just a thing which absorbs it. Then I suddenly realized a more painful fact: that without my father-the sun, I was just a normal boy, like a gelid planet, dark and unknown.

Gradually, I got fed up with being called "Mr. Hai's Son" I hated being covered up by my dad's shadow. I wanted to overcome it. I wanted to be respected for my own achievements, for my own ability. I wanted to shine on my own.

At that time, I learned about a great scholarship for high school students. Finally, I thought, this was my chance to be a star, I studied crazily to get that scholarship, but I came down with a serious flu right before the test, and couldn't take it. My dream had vanished.

..
Coming the age 17, I have to think about my daddy again. He's the best father I've had.
No one could cheer me up during these days, even my best friends. Even after I had recovered, I stayed in bed, pretending to still be sick. Feelings of failure tortured me; I hid away like a snail in his shell. I was very surprised that my dad was the one who got me out of that state. After listening my whole story, he sniggered He took me out of my bed and took me to a place where I never thought we would go: a karate class.

To my surprise, he signed up to do karate with me. These exercises were fun, but hard. Often, it was frustrating and painful. I found it strange that, not only did I not hate the difficult class, I actually loved it. But strangest of all was that my dad was right there but no one knew how great he was. He maybe really special and attractive but in "karate club", he was normal just like me and anyone else. No one could stand in front of me and see my father. For me, it was truly liberating. In a new environment, I was like a fish in the water; I seemed to be free; I could be myself. At last, I could show my ability. And since I was spending more as equals, I was becoming more confident in myself. I felt really better than ever. My friends said that I was different from the way I had been three months before; I was more confident. More surprisingly, I was even beginning to earn the respect of my karate teacher, who selected me to compete in the Professional Contest. Ignoring my fear that I could lose, he persuaded me to go. I was not sure if I could handle it. Beyond my expectation, I got all the way to the semifinal before being defeated. It was so really weird that, standing in the arena as a loser, I didn't feel ashamed or like a failure; I was not the least bit sad because I knew I tried my best, and for the first time, that felt like enough. I could feel people gazing at me admiringly. I knew that people were looking at me, not my dad, even he was right there, too. I was truly bright. Maybe my light was not bright as my dad's light, but it shone nonetheless. And I knew my father standing there, with a smile on his face, was completely proud, that made me feel happy.

After all, I suddenly realized that I had been a jerk: it was my dad who helped me gain this, not myself alone. And I know that, wherever I go, my father's always right there, watch me carefully and help me anytime I need. It's like the Sun and the Star, wherever the star move, the Sun is still there, not so far, but keeps an enough distance to watch the Star move by a gravitational force, like my dad's love for me.
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