Undergraduate /
I tried to be unique. Common app essay. [4]
Question: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
###Tell me if you think this approach is worth pursuing of not.### you don't have to correct my grammer. Just feedback about what I am doing, and how to improve. Should I abort?
"Essay No.5"
My art teacher once said of self-portraits that the process of painting oneself is much more telling of the psychological nature of the person, than it is of the physical nature. Here I decide to relate to you the process of my deliberations while writing my college application essays.
In the first essay Hugh presents exactly what sets him apart from his peers in saying, "Where they use YOLO as a reason to gratify and act impulsively, I take YOLO to place consideration on what I truly want to do in my lifetime". Although this makes it clear that he has firm ethical values, he also makes large generalizations by referring to others as "them", and categorically portraying them as hedonistic. Also, this sentence makes Hugh seem disdainful about his peers' actions, and comes across as being sanctimonious. College admission officers do like students to have a sense of ethics, but also want students that are accepting of others.
The second essay piques the readers interest in its opening sentence when it says "When I was in 9th grade I could hardly read, now I read better than 90% of college bound SAT takers...". Hugh explains why he decided to transfer to an international school in the sentence, "picking up the book The Hitch Hikers Guide, taking hours to get through the first chapter and panicking at the inadequacy of my English ability". But following this, Hugh fails to fully expose his uniqueness by merely drawing a description of his hard efforts, although he does express the enormity of his efforts in humorous tones saying that it "[verged] on asceticism". Hugh's essay did have a great hook, but he must remember that he must have original content to be noticed, whereas the theme of personal growth is an extremely hackneyed one unless a personal touch is added.
The third essay also has an interesting opening paragraph because the reader is left waiting for an explanation as to what is meant when he says, "I am not Japanese, Canadian, American, or Mexican. I am "Hugh Lastname" and that name means what ever I think it does". What Hugh did wrong in this approach was that he focused his essay on his prepubescent identity crisis. The paragraph, which explains how Hugh resolved this issue, is shorter than his issue. What better describes one's character is always how the person dealt with adversity rather than her/his misfortunes. One must remember that there are plenty of people that have hardships, and it is generally better to keep a positive tone in an application essay.
Hugh's final attempt was a very bold decision. But these kinds of bold decisions, if executed properly can show the writers confidence in what he is doing. Further more, it tells the reader that the writer is a person who is eager to stand out in a crowd when necessary.
