Scholarship / Cleaning Parks & Volunteering @ Day Care ; Lowes Scholarship/ Build Community [4]

I was wondering if anybody could give me feedback on my essay. Its due tomorrow and I just want to see if there are any minor issues that I can fix up.

At Lowe's, we believe that helping to build our communities is just as important as helping our customers build their homes. How have you helped to build your community? What lasting improvements have you made that you are proud of?

Growing up within my community, I have seen that with a little work and determination anybody can cast a lasting positive effect on their community. Additionally, I have witnessed how cheerful and prolific a community becomes when people come together for a positive cause and do something aimed towards constructive deployment. Most of my attempts to build my community have involved cleaning up local parks and volunteering at my local daycare for low-income families. By performing these services, I have built on my community by creating beautiful outdoor settings and aiding the lives of little children and contributing to their positive growth.

One of my most proudest services to my community was during the summer of 2010. I was involved in a college-prep program called Liberty Leads and resided in Fordham University's campus for four weeks. One of the main goals of the program was to show us that even in college, it is essential to make attempts to give back to the community whenever possible. As a result, the program coordinator gathered all the students for a clean-up service at a park near the Fordham University campus. While walking to the park location, I was thrilled at the idea of cleaning up a park so that it could be presentable to the people in the community. However, when I reached the park, I was utterly shocked at its condition. Garbage plagued the area and weeds seemed to suffocate the trees and drain the aesthetic beauty out of the park. Seeing the park's current condition made me believe that it would be nearly impossible to clean the majority of the park in one day. To maximize cleaning efforts people were separated into different areas and were assigned to do different jobs, such as pulling out weeds and picking up trash. As time passed, I noticed how the park gradually regained back its vibrancy and liveliness. I could not believe that such a large park could have been so greatly improved in just a few hours. That day proved to me that a little work from a group of people can indeed go a long way.

The lasting improvements I made on that park made me proud because I initially did not believe my work would be worth much. However, at the end of the day I noticed that my work was capable of transforming an entire park and creating a beautiful setting for other people in the community to admire. After that experience, I made more efforts to help my community and perform additional clean-up service for other parks. Specifically, I volunteered to clean trash, plant new trees, and clear walking paths for passengers at Pelham Bay Park. Overall, I am extremely proud of the lasting improvements I have made by cleaning up numerous parks in my community. The beautiful scenery from these parks always serves as reminder of the beneficial progress and visual improvements I have made for my community.

Undergraduate / "You can't play Basketball" ; UNFAIR EXPERIENCE IN LIFE [6]

I wrote an essay for the Gates Millennium scholarship and the prompt asked to talk about an unfair experience in your life. I had someone read my essay, and he said it was a little overwhelming and not that dramatic. Can someone read it and tell me if they agree? I don't remember much unfair experiences in my life and I feel that talking about a racist unfair experience in my life will be the same as a majority of the African Americans applying for the scholarship and I want mines to be different.

"No, you can't play basketball with us." When I heard these words, numerous reasons for why I could not play basketball with my cousin and brother raced through my mind. I was 13 at the time and thought maybe they did not want to see me fall and get hurt or perhaps they only wanted to play a game of one on one. However, the real reason for why my cousin told me I could not play with them was unexpected and shocking. He told me it was because I was a girl.

Within my family, I was barely exposed to gender discrimination. My brothers and I had no problem playing video games together or gathering to watch a wrestling match on television. I basically engaged in activities generally characterized as being for boys and my family saw no problem with this. So, I could not help but feel offended when my cousin told me that by being a girl I was not able to play basketball. It was not fair that my brother saw no harm in me playing basketball, but my cousin saw my gender as an excuse for inability of playing a sport. I wanted to scream back at my cousin that I was good at basketball and to give me a chance, but knew my words would just be a fruitless attempt in changing in mind, especially when his focus was solely on the basketball game he was playing. So instead, I chose to ignore his comment. However, I still could not stop the raging emotions that boiled inside me because I wanted so desperately to prove my cousin wrong and show him that girls could play sports just as well as boys. At the end of the day, I realized if he was not going to listen to what I said, then I was just going to have to show him.

So, for the next few days during the summer, I decided to practice playing basketball on my own time. Each day, I spent a few hours outside my house practicing my jump shots and dribbling skills. I was determined to get better and show my cousin that being a girl did not mean I was inept in playing basketball and that he should reconsider what he said to me. When he finally came over again to play basketball with my brothers, I quickly put on my sneakers, got my basketball and ran to meet them outside. When I got outside, I dribbled the ball down to the basketball hoop to shoot the ball. Unfortunately, the ball missed the basket. I turned around to see my cousin smirking and could imagine him saying in his head "I told you girls couldn't play basketball." I ignored him and ran to retrieve my ball. When I got back to the basketball hoop, I took a deep breath and took another shot. This time, the ball went in. I smiled a little, took another shot and it went in again. I took about 3 more shots and each time the ball went into the basket. Eventually my cousin said to me "I guess I was wrong, you really are good." I could not stop the big smile that spread across my face once he said these words. He no longer thought I was incapable of playing basketball and I was able to prove my point that girls could play basketball just as well as boys. Now, I usually play sports with my cousins for fun and they know that even if I am girl, I am still competitive.

Even though I found my cousin's comment wrong, he helped me realize that women are still experiencing an ongoing fight in breaking the stereotype that they unable to play sports. Also, I know that there are still people in society who will treat women unfairly because of their gender, but I learned that is important to never accept this injustice from anyone. Today, anytime a person doubts my ability because I am a girl; instead of responding with anger, I always make the initiative to prove them wrong.

Undergraduate / arts-and-science focused, medium-sized, highly residential etc. /Why ROCHESTER? [3]

This is a last minute supplement for Rochester because I didn't plan on applying, but since they gave my brother a full ride I thought I might as well give it a try and apply too.

In 125 words or less, please answer the following questions.

Why Rochester? - The University of Rochester is one of two universities listed by The Carnegie Foundation for the Advancement of Teaching as arts-and-science focused, medium-sized, and highly residential, with comprehensive PhD programs, medical schools, and very high research activity. Both offer undergraduates an unusual degree of freedom in their curriculum. Which of these characteristics (or others) are leading you to apply to Rochester?

While accompanying my brother on the day of freshman move-in, one of the students asked me "Do you attend the school?" For some reason, I had the urge to say "Yes, I do"; however, I said "No, my brother is a student". From this encounter, I realized that I significantly enjoyed the atmosphere within the campus and could actually see myself a student in the university. I felt comfortable and knew it had suitable environment for me to expand my knowledge of biological science. Also, Rochester's emphasis on research activity ensures that I will be given the opportunity to gain a more intimate understanding of biological research and is one the main reasons I am applying to the university.

Meliora: ''Ever better'' - The University's motto directs our focus toward continual improvement through learning, discovery, creativity, and enterprising collaborations among people with different points of view. Describe a ''Meliora'' experience from your life.

A "Meliora" experience in my life was when I participated in a plant science internship and met new people from different backgrounds. Essentially, I learned the components of plant science and expanded my knowledge of ecology, but more significantly, I became friends with people who practiced different religions and had different culture customs. I was also engaged with a group of people who had strong points of views regarding various topics and learn about new languages, such as Hebrew and Korean. Overall, the experience allowed me to meet different people in the Bronx and opened me to new ways of thinking and understanding others in my community.

Undergraduate / Enhance intellectual maturity & explore other branches; Engage Academically AT UPENN [4]

This is my Final draft and i plan on submitting it tomorrow so I need quick confirmation that I answered the question correctly.

Given the undergraduate school to which you are applying, please discuss how you will engage academically at Penn. (Please answer in 300 words or less.)
From a young age, I set my mind to pursue a career in the sciences. However, at the time, my image of science simply consisted of mixing chemicals and scientists working vigilantly with medicines. It was through my AP biology class that I learned about different branches of science and developed an interest for molecular biology. Since then, I have anticipated pursuing opportunities for biological research and gaining a more intimate understanding of biological studies. At the College of Arts and Sciences, with its wide range of resources and opportunities, I believe there is a suitable environment for me to further my education and foster my interest for molecular biology. I look forward to utilizing the resources available in the Biomedical Library so that I may enhance my intellectual maturity and explore other scientific branches. I also look forward to participating in the Independent Study project for those majoring in biology so that I may fulfill my desire of finding out what it is like to be involved in laboratory research.

When I visited the campus, one of the first aspects I immediately noticed was the close relationships students seemed to have with their professors. During my tour, I saw a few students hold friendly conversations with their professors and the professors seemed to show genuine concern for the progress of their students. Such a close relationships with professors one of the main reasons I wish to pursue my passions at Penn. I believe having meaningful relationships with my professors will encourage me to actively engage in class discussions and keep me truly interested in expanding my knowledge of biological science. At Penn, the numerous opportunities available will fortify my knowledge and motivate me to make bold advances in exploring the components of biology.

Undergraduate / Want to help children become confident; BOSTON COLLEGE SUPP: Service to Others [5]

I just finished my supplement for Boston College and would really like someone's opinion on what i wrote

Question: 1. St. Ignatius of Loyola, founder of the Society of Jesus, encouraged his followers to live their lives in the service of others. How do you plan to serve others in your future endeavors?

Many extraordinary people have displayed altruistic tendencies that makes helping others seem as natural as breathing. Such individuals are considered today's "superheroes"; however, these individuals are simply ordinary people who represent what human work is capable of and how a selfless lifestyle can be both self-fulfilling and rewarding. Throughout high school, I have volunteered to help young children. However, I would not necessarily label myself as a "superhero" for helping these children. Instead, I would consider myself a proud older sister who gains a sense of satisfaction in positively influencing my younger sister and desires to do the same for other children.

At the beginning of my freshman year in high school, I volunteered to help children improve their reading skills as part of the READ program. Although the program offered paid positions, I initially applied to volunteer. As a volunteer, I was not given the incentive to only help the children to earn money; instead, I had the desire to show them that reading was an easy and enjoyable activity. Soon enough, I became friends with a child named Maritza. She was the epitome of the typical child that was eager to learn something new and always had me excited to teach her. The enjoyment I feel when engaging myself with children like Maritza justifies why I want to continue to be a part of the proper development of children and engage in activities meant to assist in their growth. Although my career goal is not to become a teacher, I would like to engage in programs that give me the opportunity to help young children with subjects in which they experience troubles. Revealing the joys of learning, I believe, is one of the best gifts I am capable of giving to a child.

I look forward to participating in the diverse service programs that Boston Colleges has to offer. Specifically, I would like to engage in the student positions offered in Boston College Children's Center program so that I could help the children become confident and proud with their abilities. I am a firm believer that the best way to serve others is to make them feel self-worth. For this reason, I believe that by making children feel special and accepted I will essentially be fulfilling my goal in serving others to build a learning community where one can freely explore and interact.

Writing Feedback / "Talk is cheap"- "All mankind is divided into three classes" [8]

I'm really not that confident with this essay. I have so much in my head surrounding this essay question that I feel that I didn't answer the question right, nor do I feel like it even compares to how great other people's essays are.

Ben Franklin once said, 'All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move.'

"Talk is cheap"

People can talk about what they plan to do and what they are capable of doing, but unless further action is taken, such talk is just a fruitless pursuit. On the other hand, it is important that one should not confuse motion with action. A person can consume themselves with work that could always have them moving on their feet, but if there is no initiative done beyond a regular routine of work, all efforts are wasted. Those that move not only speak about brilliant ideas, but also create brilliant strategies to put ideas into action. Such people also prepare themselves for the inevitable rejection from those who are too afraid to move, too afraid to act. As an individual who belongs in category of people that move, I believe I am one who not only speaks with an iron fist, but an independent person who is not afraid to move along with life's challenges.

Growing up in the South Bronx, I have come across the common ambitious person who plans on becoming a doctor, lawyer, or even a basketball player. However, I have also come across people who would describe these dreams as "unrealistic" or "ridiculous". Such people are the simple-minded immovable individuals that are unfamiliar with how strong the rush of ambition can become once a certain dream is put in set. These people essentially become the fuel for my movement because their doubts continue to motivate me to move even stronger and with more confidence. With my steadfast attitude, I make sure to move towards all the opportunities available for to me and never let them slip from my fingertips. So far I have explored numerous activities ranging from plant science to digital media, all in which have moved me to the right path in ultimately defining who I am.

When I was born, my parents gave me a Nigerian tribal middle name that means "independent". My middle name is spoken of with pride because it not only symbolizes my heritage, but that I am one who never waits for someone else to be moved into doing anything I set my mind to. I can specifically remember my first train ride alone in the city as a test of my independence and a journey into the big world. Through my journey, I have been moved into different directions and shown that with movement comes uncertainty and fear of failure. However, I have learned that uncertainty can be a factor that can slow movement, but never an excuse for me to stop movement.

Of the category of people that move, motivation is key. Without motivation, there is no drive for action, and one becomes dependent on some else directing them on what they should do. With my motivation, I have not let my actions be controlled by the words of others, but have used these as words continue to move me into the right direction of my future.

Any advice is appreciate!!
P.S this is a rough draft, I still need my teacher to read this essay so please excuse any grammatical errors