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Posts by Karla281995
Joined: Dec 27, 2012
Last Post: Dec 31, 2012
Threads: 6
Posts: 15  
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From: United States of America

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Karla281995   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Mama said we could fix it up; NYU-what intrigues you? [2]

What intrigues you? Tell us about one work of art, scientific achievement, piece of literature, method of communication, or place in the world (a film, book, performance, website, event, location, etc.), and explain its significance to you.

I missed the spacious tabernacle on the hill. I walked into the new sanctuary disgusted at its presence. This place represented one-tenth of the old one. The tiny space, the blaring music, and the cheap noisy fan, I hated it all. The brown, hollering ladies-it wasn't enough.

We moved to a bigger place. Mama said we could fix it up. It was infested with dark, cockroaches and little mice that never hid. The brown old ladies didn't speak English. I hated hearing their Haitian tongue. However, by name I knew everybody there. Smelly kids with runny noses, inexistent youth group-it wasn't enough.

I'll admit, mama was right. The place began looking pretty nice. All except the backyard, with no color or swings for the kids. I sat at the back with not a note to sing, but I stared straight down at my Haitian hymnal. No friends, No pianist-it wasn't enough.

They asked me to teach the children. After that, they circled me with toothless giggles. But we still did not have a lot of money. Whenever I went to take a leak, watered down soap fell right through my hands. Random drummer boy, No projector screen-it wasn't enough.

Every month we celebrated birthdays. We surrounded a table with good food and laughter. I went around and gave a kiss to all the ladies and for the kids, I got them a little gift. We still didn't have many people but for that I was blessed to get to know them all. In the sanctuary, I sang in my Haitian tongue. Huge smiles, even bigger hearts-it was all enough.

I feel like this gets iffy because I don't explain the significance to me. I really hope you guys see why this is meaningful/intrigues me. Should I leave it like this? Right now this is 1,486 characters. Even if I took some out to explain the significance, it would change the tone right? Okay, please help guys!!!
Karla281995   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / NYU COM. APP-GLOBAL NETWORK/CAMPUS [7]

Do you think I need more information about the school in the second one? I stated earlier that it would be hard, but I could try...

Thanks for the feedback!
Karla281995   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / It looked into my eyes and said, "Have faith"; NYU-What intrigues you? [5]

I think you should clarify, "and walking along the sidewalk" usually whatever "walking along the sidewalk" would come after that comma. So maybe have

As I walked along the sidewalk

So in between these two homes was a tree? How was the tree in the street? Were the houses on opposite ends of a street?

I guess that need to be clarified

4th paragraph, phenomenal
I'm not sure if the contractions are okay or not...

Try
One day I'll revisit.

This is AMAZING! I had to read this a few times to find a mistake. I just think you need to clear up some things so that the reader isn't confused. I haven't written mine, but this has influenced my topic, tone, and style

Best of luck to you!
Can you edit mine if you ever come across it?
Karla281995   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Great city/ Wide range of studies/ College experience; WHY NYU? [19]

Dude I can see where this would be hard. You and I took the same approach regarding the poetic technique

Take out the contraction. Edit ALL of your essays and make sure there isn't a single one. They're easy to miss!

From the quiet neighborhood of Dyker Heights to the busy streets of Manhattan, New York City has proven to me to be the epitome of diversity.

You can probably take all of this out

Just like the city offers me an extensive array of ambiance, the New York City campus can offer me a wide range of studies, in which I will obtain well-roundedness as a college student and a person.

This sentence is perfect but I guess elaborate more on WHY the NYC campus of NYU is perfect for you. because just like the NYC campus the Shanghai one AND the Abu Dhabi both provide a wide range of studies. Also, I don't like the end about being a well rounded student and person. It's like you said whatever just to end it. Put your major in it and say something like, I will learn best in the atmosphere I'm most comfortable in and the (insert major) program is one that will flourish at NYU because of the opportunities and technology here. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Say it better of course haha

Can you help me shorten mine??
Karla281995   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / NYU COM. APP-GLOBAL NETWORK/CAMPUS [7]

Ah. That's a good observation. I actually don't think I have enough characters. However, I can try. If not, do you think I should risk it?
Karla281995   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Bogota streets / Human body / Help through work - NYU supplements [4]

1. contraction-I've

But, there are other lifestyles out there,
I started at the end the prompt and noticed that you're a good writer. This sentence could be stronger. Yes, WE KNOW there are other lifestyles. Make this about you. Say something like, "I was hungry for other lifestyles" blah blah

NYU is the best place where I can enhance this skill.
For a better word choice, you can probably cross out "skill" and describe another reason why NYU would be a good match like, I can enhance my creativity...

as well withas its massive study abroad program
Word choice with massive. Influential?

2. and it accounts for almost all

contraction-it's

That is whyThus, I feel so drawn to neurology

I want to help people that cannot control there vicious emotions through medical science- that is neurology.

3. and that because of it, their will live on in legacy.
contraction

Makes sure to take out contractions. For some reason we ignore that rule because it changes the flow of everything.
Overall, great job! Minor fixes. I'm not the best writer so don't feel discouraged. great job with the last part. I haven't seen much "what intrigues you?"

Can you help me with mine?
Karla281995   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / NYU COM. APP-GLOBAL NETWORK/CAMPUS [7]

NYU's global network provides students with hundreds of academic areas of interest for students to cultivate their intellectual curiosity and to help achieve their career goals. Whether you are entirely undecided about your academic plans or you have a definitive program of study in mind, what are your own academic interests? Feel free to share any thoughts on any particular programs or how you might explore those interests at NYU on any of our campuses.

In our complex society, media is ever-changing. Social media has dictated a whole new audience for news casters. They are no longer producing 5 o'clock shows for people on the other side of a television set, but for people on websites like Facebook and Twitter. In addition, New York is a haven for this multi-media world. New York is the power house of the world providing people with opportunities and the American Dream. I hope to explore my communication skills right in the heart of New York City. Furthermore, I would like to provide breaking news. NYU's Steinhardt fosters the experience needed to reach that dream. First off, the rich, technological advancements in New York will forever adjust to society's changes. The number one research school has a phenomenal academic reputation and encourages its students to influence others globally. The NYU global programs in Prague and Paris specifically have me drawn to the innovative school. I believe that the best way to further my education is by the spread of knowledge. Whether it be the Washington Square News or professional internships, NYU is the school to prepare me for my career field.

Tell us why you have chosen the above campus (using a maximum of 700 characters-spaces and punctuation included).

"You can take the girl out of New York, but you can't take New York out of the girl."

I missed the light of the city even when it was midnight. I missed the colorful faces all of different cultures and backgrounds. Being a native of New York, that is what I yearned for when I moved to a small town. For the dreamers, New York is the place for opportunities. Beneath my feet, I can hear the subway sound. I can see the active members rushing to reach their destinations. New York is a thriving, imaginative city. It is the place that will enrich my curiosity and accept my ideas. In this concrete jungle, this is my canvas just waiting for me to paint my future- to make my mark.

Do I have a unique approach to these? Do I answer the prompt? Grammatical errors? NAME THEM!
Karla281995   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Urban/Intimate/Diverse community/Excellent academic reputation ;BU- Good fit [9]

In no more than 250 words, please tell us why BU is a good fit for you and what specifically has led you to apply for admission?

As we stood before the grand school, my father made me imagine a finished canvas. He let me rediscover a work of art that would have been at Boston University. Although too naĂŻve to understand, he said he regretted not applying to BU. He spoke about the long line of history that resides in Boston and its educational legacy. Upon deciding where to apply, Boston University came to mind. The city has an urban atmosphere, but is intimate enough to fulfill my curiosity. I know that the diverse student body and BU's excellent academic reputation will be able to provide me with opportunities that are not available at any other university. BU takes initiatives to impact our future like the Sustainability Program. This is the school for me because it stands for what I believe in-the pursuit of knowledge.

I was completely sold when I discovered the COM program. First off, the city will be great to further my creativity. BU's experienced faculty is prepared to guide me through this multi-media world. I would like to impact the world with breaking news and COM's student news and radio show will help me to express my communication skills while still providing me with a challenging curriculum. Furthermore, I look forward to the PhD program that COM will offer. This new advancement will be able to impact many students like myself to advance in our ever-changing social media. I know that BU is my campus, at the stroke of my wrist, I will paint my future.

I'm actually 4 word over the limit. Let me know how I can cut down.
I'll be glad to help you with yours.
Karla281995   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Urban/Intimate/Diverse community/Excellent academic reputation ;BU- Good fit [9]

In no more than 250 words, please tell us why BU is a good fit for you and what specifically has led you to apply for admission?

Being a native of New York, I knew that I loved the city. Upon my realization, Boston University came to mind. The city has an urban atmosphere, but yet still intimate. I know that the diverse student body and BU's excellent academic reputation will be able to provide me with opportunities that are not available at any other university. I learned that Boston University has a Sustainability Program that thrives to ameliorate our global environment. BU takes initiatives that will make an impact in our future. This is the school for me because it stands for what I believe in-the pursuit of knowledge.

I was completely sold when I discovered the COM program. First off, the city will be great to further my creativity. BU has a credible, experienced faculty ready to guide their students to a multi-media world. I would like to impact the world with breaking news and COM's student news and radio show will help me to express my communication skills while still providing me with a challenging curriculum. Furthermore, I look forward to the PhD program that COM will offer. This new advancement will be able to impact many students like myself to advance in our ever-changing social media.

All constructive criticism is welcomed. Do I fully answer the question? And do I talk specifically about BU? Grammatical errors? Name them!
Thank you!
Karla281995   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / BAND; Common Ap/ Extracurricular [7]

To you, how would you elaborate on an EC. Because I went two different directions with this. First I had how I enjoy the people, the leader, blah but that didn't elaborate on the EC that spoke more about MY feelings. So I changed this to a specific event at my EC. So I just don't understand how I went wrong. I'd really like you to explain. Also, I knew about the Marching band is a place part, but that too, how would I change that?

I really need specific feedback thanks though. I'll be glad to edit yours..
Karla281995   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / I am a Jain ; Common App/ Significant Experience [3]

Grammatically, the first sentence needs work. Have the English translations in Parenthesis
I am a Jain and have been raised by two devout parents to follow ahimsa, satya, asetya, brahmacharya and aparigraha ( non-violence, truthfulness, non-stealing, celibacy and non-materialism.)

4am
4 a.m.

I don't think you would write the number 3-5

Take out the contractions-didn't

The end is kind of a cliche like the "I can do all things with determination part"

Overall, Well-written. Really, you did a great job. I can say I was very interested in reading this and I have never heard of such religion. This made me research it.

My best wishes!
-Karla Valcourt

P.S. You should return the favor
Karla281995   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Math and science/ Parents' nursing career; Cornell Sup; Interests/ experience [5]

Take out the contractions. Like It's

"Shining at the end of the tunnel" is a cliche try another phrase.

Don't repeat "that goal"

Personally, I like the part about a bowl of oatmeal. Colleges like settle humor. I think they'll want to see that you actually though long and hard about being a doctor.

Yet, there are a myriad of professions that one could chosechoose that involve science, math, and group participation.

In their careers as nurse.
I don't really understand that part. Did your parents have multiple careers or are you talking about both of your parents who are both nurses? I think it would be career as nurses. They only had one career.

Overall, I think this is a VERY well written essay. I think that you fully explained how science and math has influenced you to become a doctor. Great job. Take out the contractions!!

Best of luck!
Karla281995   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / BAND; Common Ap/ Extracurricular [7]

"Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum)."

Hup, Hup, Hup
As I stare at the drum major's podium, sweat drips down my face. Every note, every step and every picture needs my attention. I try to focus on being in step as the wind rushes through my hair. Marching band is where I feel carefree. Here, I am accepted. I don't have to worry about the load that the week may bring. As we run through the show, the clouds begin to develop. Rain pours down on my shoulders, but does not distract me. The stench and the mud puddles-still do not faze me. This simply gives me the chance to prove my dedication. Here in the rain, I recollect on why I joined marching band. My passion for music, teamwork, and the open mindedness of the art form all reasons why I can forget about any tribulations I had throughout the day. Together we march off the field with no regrets only leaving traces of our muddy shoes.

Do you think this FULLY answers the prompt? Also, is the title okay? If you're not familiar with band, it's how the drum major addresses the band
Karla281995   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / It wasn't until I read "Wicked" ; Columbia/ "meaningful" supplement [5]

First off, remove the contractions. like I've and such. They're considered informal in essays.

Through Elphaba's story I learned to stand up for what I believe is right.
Make this sentence less of a cliche. Colleges hate typical stories like that. You're story is great though! Justify why you liked Wicked without saying "it made you stand up for what is right. Talk about how it challenges you to be different and to question things.

Good luck!
Hope I helped
P.S you should return the favor
-Karla Valcourt
Karla281995   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Living alone has taught me to become more independent; Gap Year [2]

I was enrolled in to King Abdullah University

The KGSP scholarship was established to assure a source of highly talented Saudi graduates, holding bachelor's degrees from leading undergraduate programs, for its masters of Science degree programs.

This sentence needs work it's almost a runoff. It took me a couple of tries to understand. Make sure when you have parenthetical elements like )Kayla, who was in the second grade, loved to eat Icecream )That if you take out who was in the second grade , it still makes sense.

at the University of Pennsylvania

will consist of an advanced academic writing course, a Calculus course and a non-credit, college-level science course with lab.
I don't think that comma is needed

This will benefit me since I will be studying with current college students in an Ivy League university classroom environment.
I understand what you're trying to say, but it doesn't flow well at the end of the sentence. Read it out loud.

I manage my time much better than I used to.
You can make this a stronger sentence. Right now it's like blah

Also, living on the University of Pennsylvania campus has gotten me used to being surrounded by a college setting.
This sentence also doesn't flow well because of the University of Penn. part. Maybe try living on campus, has gotten me used to being surrounded by a college setting.

I have met a lot of students
Stronger! Show them how this experience has really had an impact on you. A lot doesn't do it.

Overall great job! I hope I helped
Good luck
P.S you should return the favor!
Karla281995   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / New York/ Oprah Winfrey ; Syracuse Supp/ Who or what influend applying? [5]

Please help me with these essay questions. I consider it to be finalized. Feedback is appreciated

Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University?
I knew that I wanted to attend school in New York. I was also aware that I loved the diversity and the cultural shock of the innovative state. One thing I looked forward to was living in a big city. I wanted my small town environment to immerse in a fast paced city. In June of 2010, I went to a broadcast journalism conference at Fordham University. There, I learned the importance of journalism and the impact it has on society. To conclude the program they informed us of some schools that would help us to better our studies in journalism. One of those schools was Syracuse University. As graduation approached, I realized that I truly wanted to experience a campus. I thought, maybe I am not ready for such a big change because I enjoyed the intimacy of my small town, thus I decided to apply.

2. Who is the person you dream of becoming and how do you believe Syracuse University can help you achieve this?
Whenever I peek into my looking glass I aspire to be a well-rounded individual by being receptive to other cultures, languages, and ideas. I would like to not only affect my community, but to also affect people overseas. Oprah Winfrey once said, "Now what can I do that's going to be of value ... to other people?" Like Oprah, I want to be able to make a difference in lives everywhere. I would like to influence the world with breaking news and I know that Syracuse will provide me with opportunities that no other university can. At the Newhouse school, I will be faced with a competitive curriculum while still expressing my communication skills.

3. If you have had work experience, what skills and/or knowledge did you gain?
At a very young age, I realized my love for children. I was able to babysit young children and that ultimately helped me to communicate well with them. Although I enjoyed the entertaining, undemanding job, I was fortunate enough to become the Sunday school teacher at my church. While taking care of children for so many years, I have learned to be patient and to have respect for all individuals. It would have been hypocritical of me to teach them how to be kind and caring without actually being a role model. Being around young children has also given me a chance to become a better listener.

4. Our mission of Scholarship in Action, education for the world in the world, extends beyond the classroom to include engagement opportunities with our campus community, the City of Syracuse, and locations across the globe. Based on your interests, tell us what real-world experiences you might pursue during your education at Syracuse as part of this mission.

While at Syracuse University I will continue to volunteer with the American Red Cross Association. In addition, I would like to not only volunteer within the boundaries of local events but large scale natural disasters. Furthermore, I will likely study abroad in another country. I believe that the best way to further my education is by the spread of knowledge. Also, I hope to travel to a developing country to provide not only educational opportunities but also, financial opportunities. I would like to expand my background to underprivileged kids so that they can experience our system here in America or better yet, at Syracuse.
Karla281995   
Dec 27, 2012
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, radio is being replaced by TV and the Internet. [5]

Use stronger words rather than, "broadcasting is becoming to disappear." That almost is confusing. Maybe Broadcasting is almost nonexistent

I'm not too big on consecutive intros like Firstly and secondly. Try using just one and not all of them.

Change telecommunications to telecommunication

Change larger opportunities to more

For instance, there are lots (try a powerful word) of information inon TV and websites that are easy to assimilate.

In addition to having consecutive intro's, you have A LOT of intros in general. I think you should slow down on those.

On the other sidehand , radio is more difficult to use because people have to bemore concentratedbecausesince they can only listening to radio.

Your paper needs some work. I'd suggest just rereading it and making sure it makes sense out LOUD
Good luck!
-Karla Valcourt
P.S you should return the favor
Karla281995   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / White lab coats; CORNELL SUP/ How your interests influenced your major? [7]

"Women and men in blue scrubs read files and nurses in white uniforms carry stainless steel trays piled up with saline bags,syringes and other things that the little girl does not know the names of.

This whole sentence is confusing. It's almost like a run on. Try taking some details out of the people you're talking about. It gets messy after piled up.

,she finds it fascinating.
Make sure to put spaces after every comma and period! I see a lot of those errors.

Science has always been what intrigues me. and Biology has always been the field that excites me.
are wayyy to similar

In grade 8 sounds weird. Also since its a number less than ten, you have to write eight. I suggest writing "in the eighth grade"

.As a large research university with world renowned professors Cornell offers many opportunities for me to become the best that I can be.
Put a space in between that period and A. Add a comma after professors and change "the best that I can be" That's almost a cliche . Maybe to be at your best potential?

Good Luck.
-Karla Valcourt
P.s You should return the favor!
Karla281995   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / Her name was Christel; Common APP-Person_significant influence [2]

This is what I have thus far, I consider this to be finalized. Please provide constructive criticisms!!

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you.
One of my frequent days at Brookdale assistant living ended unexpectedly. Critiscim
There was a humble woman hunched over, as if she was hiding something. As I walked over to the weak lady she continued to scream pain through her eyes. I could see the pain that she earlier tried to hide from everyone, but for some reason, her inviting smile won me over. From that moment on, Brookdale became a journey to figure out how I could repair a woman so damaged. Her name was Christel. As Christel babbled about the beauty of America, a euphonious sound of "Pachebel's Canon" rang from an old, out of tune, wooden piano. I could tell she felt in accordance with the piano, no matter how off pitch it was. "I used to play, you know?" Christel said. I told her I would never forget her because I too enjoyed playing the piano, but in actuality, I would never forget her because I was all she had.

The next time I saw Christel one winter day, I decided to play the old piano. I must have made a distasteful face because quietly, Christel's wheelchair approached the stool and she whispered, "It's okay, keep going. Improvise." At that instance, I noticed something that I have never seen from Christel. As I sit on the bench playing my piece, a genuine smile appeared on her face.

It was a week before Christmas. I knew I needed to go visit Christel since she probably would not have anyone to see. Christel reminded me of a grandparent, in fact she was the closest person I had to a grandparent. Every time I got ready to leave her, she reminded me to be careful on the road- "Crazy people out there" she always said. That particular day I asked an older lady for Christel Robinson. She asked me to wait and slowly walked away from the desk. The old lady returned a few minutes later and told me that Christel left for Christmas. That day Christel was not the only person who was lonely. Christel didn't influence me because she encouraged me to play the piano or acted as a second grandmother. She influenced me in ways that I did not imagine she could. I walked into Brookdale expecting to make another person's lonesome life worthwhile and I came out appreciating the beauty of family and people. Christel made me realize that anyone can influence you. Whether it is a small child without a voice or a crippled elderly. Who says that those who make more money than others are more intelligent? My grandmother has helped me to value the qualities in people and to strive to get to know others.