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Posts by hellogoodbye [Suspended]
Joined: Dec 29, 2012
Last Post: Dec 29, 2012
Threads: 2
Posts: 20  
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From: Canada

Displayed posts: 22
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hellogoodbye   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / A melting pot of personalities; Stanford Letter to Roommate Supplement [8]

THIS IS AWESOME.

This essay is genuinely one that I thoroughly enjoyed reading.

You conveyed your quirky yet really likable personality as well as your interests.

Definitely showed your open mindedness.

Great job!

(Help me with mine? : D)
hellogoodbye   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / I won four rounds; UCHICAGO SUPP_ARCH NENEMIS [6]

There are a lot of grammatical errors and the essay isn't very focused.

This exams would decide if I got an A or experience the agony of a B, moreover I had new plan for passing my exams and sleeping, which I called the natural knockout out.

^Very random run-on sentence that doesn't make a lot of sense.
hellogoodbye   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / "Peru! Welcome to Anseong, South Korea!" ;Common App/ TOPIC OF YOUR CHOICE [2]

preferred - try to replace it with favourite.

To be able to see that much quantity and quality of cultures in one place, all together and to experience that with my best friends, having the chance to do what we are passionate about and to show our pride of being a Peruvian and what it meant to us, is just priceless

Very weird run - on sentence that is grammatically incorrect.

The chance to see the immense quantity and quality of cultures in one place with my best friends, was priceless.

You said 19 days in the beginning but ended it off with 21.

Good idea - just need to brush up on your grammar.

Help with mine?
hellogoodbye   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / MIT essay // Most significant challenge // Father's alcoholism [14]

The beginning is a bit abrupt. Don't know if that's good.

Also, the transition between stories is a bit rough.

It left me puzzled to think, "O, what does robotics have to do with his dad" until the end, and the end didn't connect back to your father's alcoholism but rather your fear to talk to him.

Overall, good idea, but try to connect your points a bit better.
hellogoodbye   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / I had a passion and intention to study business;Cornell Supp/ Intellectual interests [4]

College of Arts and Sciences:
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study. (500 words)


Ever since I could remember, I had a passion and intention to study business. I grew up surrounded by computer screens decorated with red and green numbers and jagged lines. Turns out, my dad was an avid stock trader, and I became the twelve year old who explained bonds and dividends to anyone who would listen.

In middle and high school, I enrolled into the International Business and Technology Program, an extension of the Ontario curriculum that focused on business and global innovation. As I began to take courses in marketing, financial math, and entrepreneurship, my love for business grew. SWOT analyses and writing business plans felt pedestrian, and I became increasingly drawn to economics.

I discovered the wonders of our economy through conversations with my economics teacher, observations of my surroundings, and economic works such as Freakonomics by Stephen Dubner and Steven Levitt as well as Boom Bust and Echo by David Foot. The intricate workings of the global economy interested me, and as time passed, I learned to draw economic connections between current affairs and the discussion of the Globe and Mail's Report on Business became a regular event at my family dinner table.

My upbringing, education, and experiences have all transformed my outlook on business, my career, and my life. If accepted to Cornell's College of Arts and Sciences, I will pursue a major in Economics with a minor in International Relations. Cornell's multi - disciplinary and flexible curriculum allows me to explore the disciplines and academic interests of my choice and does not limit me like other universities. As an immigrant, I am particularly drawn to international economics, specifically the rapid expansion of economy in China, my native country. I hope to conduct research, for example, to examine potential correlation between the surge in middle class wealth in China and the one-child policy. Valuable facilities such as the Lab for Experimental Economics and Decision Research will accommodate and foster these aspirations.

I am also interested in embarking on one of Cornell's Study Abroad programs to France because of its immersive French environment and focus on both business and the liberal arts. Having studied French for nine years, I am eager to build upon my language skills, as well as develop a holistic understanding of European culture and its business climate in a global setting.

Most importantly, the education I gain at Cornell is not limited to a future in business. The skills to network, collaborate with others, and manage a team are applicable in any career aspiration. As someone interested in pursuing an MBA or attending law school, Cornell's flexible education prepares me for both.

Overall, Cornell's College of Arts and Sciences is an institution where I can flourish with students who are equally passionate about making an impact. By exposing me to a full spectrum of available resources, the Cornell undergraduate program will improve my analytical capacity and literacy in business and prepare me for a career in the global marketplace.
hellogoodbye   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / The best of both worlds; Columbia Sup/ Why Columbia? [3]

The second paragraph is good but the first paragraph is mediocre. You can replace Columbia with NYU and it would still work.

Try to make it a bit more unique. :)
hellogoodbye   
Dec 29, 2012
Writing Feedback / Successful Women in Saudi Arabia [6]

she was one of the first groups of medical students that
graduated from King Abdulaziz University.

she is not a group.

you use the word 'moreover' alot.

'we are so proud of them' who is we?
hellogoodbye   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Cultivate my insights and skills ; BOSTON U/ Why BU? [3]

I am a 17 year old whom faces the homogeneous process of everyday life. I wake up, I go to school, I complete my school work, and I sleep and on occasions, participate in outside activities. But I crave for substance

Be a bit more specific. I feel as though I can replace Boston U with any university and still make it work.
hellogoodbye   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / As I spoke, I felt my heart tightening up like a fist/ U Penn; "Ben Franklin's Quote" [3]

Beads of sweat streamed down my face as I forced the last word of my ninth grade English presentation to a class of twenty students.

Forced OUT

Fear of stuttering forced. (you used the word forced twice already)

I had it with me. (stuttering isn't a tangible object.)
I had always stuttered throughout my childhood.

Tears streamed down my cheek as I watched the stuttering King of Great Britain meticulously addressing to thousands of Britons who needed his guidance in the midst of war.

I liked this. Very personal. : )

Check mine's out?
hellogoodbye   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / passion for business, international diplomacy/Penn(Wharton) Sup; Engage academically? [8]

Penn education provides a liberal arts and sciences foundation across multiple disciplines with a practical emphasis in one of four undergraduate schools: the College of Arts and Sciences, the School of Engineering and Applied Science, the School of Nursing, or the Wharton School.

Given the undergraduate school to which you are applying, please discuss how you will engage academically at Penn. (300 words)


With a passion for business, international diplomacy, and language, I see no limits to the academic opportunities available to me at the University of Pennsylvania. The immense scope of courses available at Wharton investigates every crevice of business, and the schools multi-faceted curriculum allows me to explore my diverse academic interests. As an immigrant, I am drawn to the global economy, specifically the rapid economic expansion in China. I hope to conduct research, for example, to examine the effects of China's one child policy on the growing middle class. Valuable facilities such as the Penn Institute for Economic Research will accommodate and foster these aspirations.

In addition, at Penn, I hope to become actively involved with the Penn Society for International Development (PennSID). As someone passionate about global issues, specifically humanitarian relief and government, PennSID allows me to learn about the various international development initiatives occurring around the world through events such as the Rally for World AIDS Day and the Penn Development Conference. Later in my undergraduate years, I hope to become an organizing member and apply the event planning skills that I have developed as a Student Trustee.

Last, I am particularly interested in one of Wharton's Study Abroad programs to Lyons, France because of its immersive French environment and focus on both business and the liberal arts. Having studied French for nine years, I am eager to build upon my language skills, as well as develop a holistic understanding of European culture and its business climate.

Overall, Wharton is an institution where I can flourish with students who are equally passionate about making an impact. By exposing me to a full spectrum of available resources, the Wharton undergraduate program will improve my analytical capacity and literacy in economics and prepare me for a career in the global marketplace.

Essay:
Ben Franklin once said, "All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move."

Which are you?

(Please answer in 300-500 words.)

Born in Chengdu, a diverse city on China's mainland, I spent the majority of my childhood moving between the cities of Chengdu, Shenzhen, and Hong Kong. Travelling constantly between rural and urban settings opened my eyes to the nature of cultural diversity, from the small, ramshackle apartments of Chengdu to the cosmopolitan cityscape of Hong Kong. Unlike the parents of many of my peers, my mom and dad encouraged travelling from a young age. They believed that exploration of the world would instill in me a sense of independence and self-sufficiency that could not be gained elsewhere. While some may be quick to criticize their laissez-faire attitude, these opportunities to step outside my comfort zone instilled in me a global perspective.

I have cruised down the Seine River, heard my screams echo atop Mount Titlis in the Swiss Alps, and bargained in the Grand Bazaar of Istanbul, experiencing the richness of the arts, food, and natural vistas our world has to offer. However, no experience can compare to when I travelled to Wenchuan following the 2008 earthquake. After spending a week with my family assisting in the restoration of a school, I witnessed firsthand the cultural differences that existed betweetn me and the children who lived in this small village. While I spent my free time watching movies and playing on my iPad, their only source of entertainment were rocks and origami constructed from newspapers. While I complained about homework, these children carried the responsibility of attending school, working in the fields, and taking care of their elders. I realized that not everywhere is a reflection of the prosperous West and I left Wenchuan with a new found appreciation for my comparably lavish lifestyle. Travelling has given me a global education that cannot be gained from reading books, and drawing from my travels, I hope to share my experiences with those I meet at Penn.

The nature of movement also reflects a person's willingness to take initiative. Those who are immovable are unmotivated and those who are able to move are motivated but do not seek action. Throughout high school, I have always sought to become actively involved in committees on which I sit, not just as a general member, but rather as a leader who plays an active role in initiating change. For example, as a Student Trustee, I saw paper frivolously wasted on Board meeting agendas and other publications at the [school board here]. Responding to this concern, I spearheaded a paperless Board Office, saving $20,000 annually, making a significant environmental and financial impact. My leadership experience has taught me to try to tackle issues - no matter how big or small, and at Penn, I will continue to be a committed and proactive member of every club I join, from Penn AppĂŠtit to the Penn Undergraduate Assembly.

All in all, I love living a dynamic life that keeps me on my toes. I've come to embrace the idea that the only certain element of my life is change. In my belief, to remain static is to remain close minded. To be a global citizen in our ever changing world, one must be adaptable and recognize that movement, both physical and mental, is what allows us to grow. Penn seeks assiduous, ambitious, and tenacious individuals, and with my experiences in travel and leadership, I am all three. Where immovability is stubbornness and the ability to move is passivity, I am a mover, always willing myself toward the next destination.
hellogoodbye   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / BAND; Common Ap/ Extracurricular [7]

some things to consider
- how long have you been in the marching band
- where have you marched
- scope of your involvement - school, community, national

Leading / anchoring a marching band was where I feel carefree.
hellogoodbye   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / BAND; Common Ap/ Extracurricular [7]

Marching band is where I feel carefree. Here, I am accepted. I don't have to worry about the load that the week may bring. As we run through the show, the clouds begin to develop.

Marching band is not a place - therefore you cannot use the prep. 'where.'

Also, your response does not really elaborate on your EC.

It describes your passion for it, but other than that, it lacks substance. It was more of a feel - good narrative.

If you can be more specific about your experiences in the marching band, this would be a lot better.

: ) Help with mine?
hellogoodbye   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / I am a Jain ; Common App/ Significant Experience [3]

As a Jain, I was raised to follow _______________________.

without taste doesn't need a comma before it.

'ended with my legs in hot water for some relief.'

Ended with bathing my legs in hot water for some relief from the aches.

As the captain of the Chess team, I never let my team give-up until the tournament is over. As a young entrepreneur, I don't let anybody's doubts and discouragement hinder my determination. I have learnt that I can achieve anything if I have the determination and will to achieve it and for that I thank my Guruji.

^ This ending was VERY abrupt and seemed as though you were just throwing in your accomplishments for the sake of trying to tie it in.

Also, the quote at the end doesn't really match.

Overall, good idea. Needs better execution.

Help with mine?
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