Unanswered [26] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by android21
Joined: Feb 2, 2013
Last Post: Mar 2, 2013
Threads: 10
Posts: 56  
Likes: 20
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 66 / page 2 of 2
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android21   
Feb 23, 2013
Writing Feedback / "Breathe, relax, enjoy life, explore, and worry not" ; What matters and why? [11]

Man, you really know how to make someone panic. lol. Your making me nervous...You think people would do that? If so, even the same colleges I am applying to???

thank you for your advice, I am so stuck... you say the first and other guy says the second...I guess I will I have to break the tie...

I see you have essays...I will get right on them.
android21   
Feb 24, 2013
Essays / "You are confined by the walls you build for yourself";Conflict Short Story- The CAVE [2]

It thought and thought but couldn't think of anything

...could not.

The creature that had grown used to the darkness was dazed by the illumination and squinted in an effort to try and find the inception of the light

maybe you should change used to accustomed

Growls and yells, louder than ever before were being exchanged between the beasts

I am lost here which beasts the ones outside(if so mention it...somehow)...also you write louder than ever before... but there was no before....

The creature was frozen in its position, too frightened to act, too angry to turn away

The creature was frozen in its position, too frightened to act, yet to angry to turn away

The creature wanted to cry, it couldn't bear it, wanted to run, it wouldn't end,wanted to ignore it, wanted to scream,

The creature wanted to cry, run, ignore, scream, squirm. ...get the idea??

'Was it finally over?' the creature asked itself and silence conquers the cave once again.

'Was it Finally over?' the creature asked itself as silence conquered the cave once again.

The little boy discouragingly clambers out of his room...

instead of discouragingly I suggest "cautiously"

Nice repetition of the word clamber, it works well as a hint for the reader towards the end

Amazing story...one of the most powerful endings I have seen in a while...;)
android21   
Feb 24, 2013
Undergraduate / Blindly follow criticisms without evidence? ;Stanford-Intellectual Vitallity [12]

(The modifier "by Hindu dogma" may be defining either clause in your sentence and is therefore a squinting modifier. Make sure it is clear which clause is being modified by this word.)

Yup...when I was writing the essay I spent a good five minutes trying to figure out how to restructure it because I knew it sounded a bit awkward...and I still cannot figure out how to change it up...

how about this : Also, Hindu dogma raised me to believe Muslims pillaged our land, and as....
android21   
Feb 26, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Knowledge without Experience is not fruitful! [4]

However, getting knowledge without any experience does not leadto prosperous life

Which indefinite article are you missing here....(hint: between to and prosperous)

Nearly all walks of people are convinced that experience is essential for starting a work.

This sentence is a little awkward. Instead eliminate Nearly all walks of people and put ....A diversity(or multitude) of individuals are convinced....and what do you mean by "starting a work", have you added an unnecessary article??

A large number of people are united in one belief that gaining experience administer helps to them to remove obstacles

Furthermore, experience leads them to avoid repeatingthe same errors which they did made [quote=farbodsalahi]

[quote=farbodsalahi]getting experience broadens our minds

did you switch to first person here??? what do you need instead??

In fact, experience is gained by making mistakes[quote=farbodsalahi]

[quote=farbodsalahi]Which is why, a huge number of people died and no one was able to guess what was the reason of death

I see you have an unnecessary comma and it obstructs the flow of the sentence, which by the way reads like an incomplete clause..

Without experience, we confront problem in our lives

problem should be plural, since many of us have multiple problems...and since you use we...(you switched back to first person)

Okay, you need to have a logical flow of your argument (i.e. experience is king over knowledge). You build your thesis but it becomes a long list of "why" instead of an explanation to supplement your "why", Understand? I see you have included examples towards the end, but again it is a list of examples. you should have a claim, then back up your claim with evidence

Here is how your paper should he organized:::

Intro: a brief introduction to the topic, which will include your thesis (your side of the argument (for or against)
Body:
[i] reason 1: with example/evidence

reason 2: with example/evidence
Conclusion: wraps up your argument and reiterates your thesis
[/i]

I know you can do it!!!

However, getting knowledge without any experience does not lead to a prosperous life

...This is very true:)
android21   
Feb 27, 2013
Undergraduate / At Penn, I will take the steps to grab every opportunity ;Penn/ Engage academically? [4]

A Penn education provides a liberal arts and sciences foundation across multiple disciplines with a practical emphasis in one of four undergraduate schools: the College of Arts and Sciences, the School of Engineering and Applied Science, the School of Nursing, or the Wharton School.

Given the undergraduate school to which you are applying, please discuss how you will engage academically at Penn. (Please answer in 300 words or less.)

300 Words do me no justice on how I will engage in Penn's Wharton School.Nevertheless, there is no doubt in my mind, that Penn is the only school for my true vision. A business vision that will resonate so loudly throughout the Penn community, that my presence will not go unnoticed. At Penn, I will take the steps to grab every opportunity by the reigns to shape my future in an eco-friendly retail business.

Step 1: My course lectures will never be ignored for I will fill the classroom with engaging debates and interesting discussions. Specifically, the Retail Supply Chain Management course because I will be able to enlighten students on inventory strategies from my previous experience managing my family business. Also, the course will teach me how to respond to consumer emotion and preference to build a strong business.

Step 2: With my commitment to preserve nature, I will join the Initiative for Global Environmental leadership to help spark change in environmentally reckless industries. I will work with members from all four schools to generate efficient ways for corporation to do business without the loss of profit and consumption of natural resources.

Step 3: I do not want to pursue my dream alone, I want to share it with the Penn community to make it ours. I will echo my vision of establishing an eco-friendly and revolutionary retail business by joining the Wharton Undergraduate Entrepreneurship Organization. Hopefully, students will embrace my vision and help me improve my ideas as I will help with their ideas.

Step 1, step 2, step 3, and repeat; how simple learning becomes with a plan. I can assure you my time at Penn will not be spent sleeping or aimlessly strolling down Locust Walk, I will be there with a commitment to get "stuff" done.
android21   
Feb 27, 2013
Undergraduate / "Dive!Dive!Dive!" squawks the master diver; Extracircular acitivty [6]

I need help correcting any errors, and is it good? thank you

"Dive!Dive!Dive!" squawks the master diver as stride into the abyss. Once a month, I gear up in my wet suit and tank and scuba dive off the coast of Key Largo, Florida to observe coral reefs. Although diving dangers persist, I find the risks overcome by the soothing effects on my mind. When I find a reef, I leap off the boat and slowly descend 25 feet. All the bright greens, yellows, and reds of the coral perfectly capture the essence of natural balance. My mind falls prey to this balance and relieves itself of all the stress it endured in school, work, and home. Simultaneously, my heart flows into a cadence with the slow rolling of the waves above, replacing my frustration with tranquility. The anemones innate ability to move in unison teases my mind to flow through life harmoniously, for at times I diverge. As I gravitate over the reef, I take one final look, then ascend. Surfacing, I release the remnants of old air in my lungs to please myself with a new breath of life.
android21   
Feb 27, 2013
Essays / I'm a wife, a mother of two boys; "Who Am I?" [4]

I am also a very helpful, kind, and a shy chatterbox around those...

I am very strong when needed, and I am weak during moments I shouldn't be

Contradictory, leave it as it was in original...

Last and most importantly , time may have changed many things, but I AM who I AM thanks to my many experiences!

Leave as was in original... it is cleaner this way

spring/summer morning-early!

I am not so sure summer and spring fall (<no pun intended @ fall)!!) into one day....and maybe put the descriptive noun "early" before "morning"...or take out this sentence and insert what you wrote before ( which I preferred...your choice)

Again, great job!
android21   
Feb 27, 2013
Undergraduate / I constantly break thro barriers of the Atlantic Ocean waves; CORNELL/ExtraCurricular [4]

what you think of this, good??? I already turned it in but just want to know how I did..?

Pull right: breath, pull left: breath; I constantly break through the barriers of the Atlantic Ocean's waves as they attempt to impede my relentless progress. I swim till I can no longer feel the sand sift through my toes, till the tourist's laughter fades into whispers, and till the pain of discomfort consumes me. This is no battle for stress reduction or calendar sorting, rather a commitment to test the limits of my soul and to see what I am truly made of. My muscles constrict and my heart gorges with pressure as I fight the pain of retreat. When I reach my milestone, I stop and allow the waves to hastily carry me back to life, for it is calling me to defeat the so-called, "impossible." However, tomorrow is a tougher challenge, but it does not matter because my life does not have a finish line.
android21   
Feb 27, 2013
Undergraduate / Small businesses are the engine of the economy; TRANSFER/CORNEL&UCHICAGO [3]

kabal
Wow simply amazing, your provide a cogent argument to why you want to transfer and that first paragraph is remarkable...I to applied to Cornell and I am doing economics and environmental major as well!!!WEIRD...YOU BETTER HURRY!!!!!!I TURNED MINE IN EARLIER..lol
android21   
Mar 1, 2013
Undergraduate / My life is defined by three sections of time; UTexas - SOP [3]

These times, for better or worse, changed nearly every factor of whom I am.

The first being a relatively normal and happy childhood, the second period flooded my world with a wave of destruction when I was ten years-old, and the third is my life as of high school.

Awkward sentence, Condense and fix it..if you still cannot fix it i will be more than happy to help...I suggest you take out the "flooded my word with a wave of destruction"

They were directly responsible for creating my passion withfor the University of Texas.

Which started as organically as a Saturday night game and shouting hook 'em horns

Make this a complete sentence with subject or connect it to the previous sentence by using a comma, and again try to eliminate flowery words.

I have to go. I will be back later...try to revise according to my comments, and I am glad you are trying to improve your writing!
android21   
Mar 1, 2013
Undergraduate / Research on Foxconn's suicides incident; TRANSFER/ Extracurricular activity [2]

"This is what we made everyday?" Holding my iPad, Chan asked curiously.

Is this a question that chan is asking you? if so, maybe you should express it diffrently because it has a diffrent effect if it were in person than for a reader. so put " is this what we made everyday? ....or it it is a statement eliminate the question mark...it is quite confusing

I could not imagine one sticking labels for ten hours a day; I could not imagine one producing but never see the products.

This is technically ok...but it flow if you replaced the semi colon with ", and"

"There are more than reported." Chan whispered when I asked about the jumped workers

remove the period after reported and put comma. Also, as a reader I might not know what foxxcon suicides were, so by saying "jumped workers," tells me nothing jumped from what? how about ..."Chan whispered when I asked about the workers who jumped to their deaths."

Am I also a victim of conservative and complacency

Hope I helped when is this due?
android21   
Mar 1, 2013
Book Reports / LOUIS RIEL: A Canadian Legend or a Double Crosser? [2]

Title: Louis Riel: Hero or Traitor? lol

Louis Riel did not kill Thomas Scott. Ambroise LĂŠpine did.

Louis Riel was not a traitor. He was loyal to the Crown.

Riel was clearly insane at the time of his trial, and his execution should not have taken place.

those are just some points you have to fight against, lol.

you should use these claims and say how they are wrong in your first sentence...for example : There are many unsupportted claims about louis Riel: Louis Riel did not kill Thomas scott, Ambroise Lepine did. LIE(FALSE.)... and so on...

Hope that helped! GOOD LUCK!
android21   
Mar 2, 2013
Undergraduate / The search of Higgs Particles and my life; Purdue University/ Envision yourself [5]

UntilWhen I met an amazing guy, Richard Feynman and his publications, I knew discovered more about the reality of Physics and discovered the reason why I love it.

Yes I like it...So what you are trying to show the reader is how you fell in love with physics?????....My only worry is(and this is out of context,but I want to help) if your wasting a place to show your creativity on a "why physics essay"....IF you already have an essay similar to why you like physics than think of something else...but if this is the only essay which explains your love and reason for physics major then KEEP IT!!!!!!!
android21   
Mar 2, 2013
Undergraduate / My strong abilities; Kelley School of business Admission Essay [6]

My name is Tariq Khan (do they not know your name?). I am currently in the second semester of my junior year pursuing a degree in Finance, and Accounting at IUPUI and Kelley School of Business. During my undergraduate program here I have learned many different skills that make me a very valuable candidate for the Kelley School of Business Indianapolis. My main passion is to get a well-paying job after graduation(I hope money is not your only passion. It may come off as greedy...say you want to support your family or something like that to make it seem like money is not your only passion.talk about which job you want breifly..NOT THAT YOU WANT MONEY) . I'd like to talk to you about a few of those skills and what I can learn from the Kelley School of Business.
To get more involved in the field of business I recently did an internship at Leonard McDowell, an IT consulting firm. Working here helped me develop my communication skills. I did a lot of research on the firm's products and services and contacted different clients to set up sales meetings. This internship taught me how to be more confident in a professional environment. Being confident and knowing what you are talking about will help a lot in the future for job interviews. I think to help accomplish a goal also requires the correct environment among peers who share the same values. Hence there is no question that Kelley School of Business only accepts those who have shown that they are capable of living up to what is expected of them. I am very energetic and enthusiastic when it comes to learning about the business environment and I think this attribute will help a lot to learn and develop new skills hopefully in the Kelley School of Business. Therefore if I am surrounded with such like-minded individuals who are as tenacious in their pursuit of knowledge as I am, I have no doubt that I too will succeed by feeding off and contributing to the positive atmosphere and positivity they provide.
I am currently employed at Trendy Phones which sells T-Mobile, Sprint, and Verizon phone services. I am a sales associate and the Tippecanoe store manager at the moment. I am also responsible of recording inventory and making inventory records for the company. When I first began this job I learned how to deal with customers on a daily basis which relates to business ethics in a corporate environment as well. I try my hardest to be energetic and to learn and pick up on things as quickly as possible.take this out and expand on your managment skills...how did you manage your employees?
Education is a very big part of my family. My parents give education the highest priority, they believe to get somewhere in life you have to have quality education. When I was young my family moved here from Hyderabad, India. One of the biggest reason's they decided on this was because of my education. Higher education leads to a better life. They wanted me to have a better education than they did and avoid the struggles in their life because of the lack of education. I really respect them for facing all the obstacles they overcame for me to stay here and provide me with everything I need to get a better education and have a better life. I believe Kelley School of Business Indianapolis would be an excellent portal for me to learn new leadership and communication skills to help me become a better finance major and understand the business world even more.


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