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Posts by thenewdude
Name: Shlok Gilda
Joined: Dec 20, 2013
Last Post: Feb 2, 2014
Threads: 13
Posts: 59  
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From: India

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thenewdude   
Dec 27, 2013
Undergraduate / "We buy your sh#t and sell it back to your for a profit"; St. Olaf - Interim Course [10]

Hey guys!
Below is my response to St. Olaf's prompt: During Interim, St. Olaf students pursue a single course, often of an interdisciplinary nature. If you could design your own Interim course today, what would it be? (500 word limit, I use 488)

I think I have some good ideas, but my two points of concern are:
1) It looks like I am preaching a sermon.
2) I have a very weak ending
Could you please read it and let me know what you think? I promise to read your essays in return :)

"We buy your shit and sell it back to your for a profit", said the scrawny short man to the elderly tourist from England. Blunt as he was, Babu Bhai - the outspoken middle-aged aluminum trader from Dharavi - wasn't very far from the truth. Located in the heart of Mumbai, this sprawling slum is home to about 15,000 factories, many of which buy scrap metals and plastic from the UK by the container load, reprocess them into new products, and export them back to the US, the UK and Australia for huge profits.

Last summer, I had the opportunity to join a group of English tourists for a guided tour of Dharavi. Walking through unpaved passageways and crossing sewage-lined alleys, I met the most incredible and feisty people I have ever known. Meera-bai, the bangle seller from Uttar Pradesh who after years of abuse, threw out her drunkard husband and decided to take care of her two young daughters by herself. Over time she expanded her business, which secured her a profit of about Rs.15,000 every month. Veeru Appa, the owner of a plastic recycling plant, who learnt the ropes of the business from his father. He employed about 20 men at his factory, where they recycled plastic to pellets and wires which were then sold to bigger industrial users.

Whether Dharavi in Mumbai, Bhalswa in New Delhi, or Basanti in Kolkata, slums are the dirty secret of this country. My interim course at St. Olaf would be titled 'From ---- to ----: the Power of Entrepreneurship in Hidden India', and cover subjects as diverse as waste management and urban development, economics and entrepreneurship, women empowerment and diversity. What better way of learning about waste disposal, than from those for whom recycling isn't a choice, but a necessity of life? What faster route to acquaint yourself with real life economics than watching the many NGO's working in tandem with the local mafia, banks and the government to provide affordable loans to those in need? What shorter path to mastering various aspects of urban planning, than by finding the innovative designs in ramshackle constructions? It would also be a telling lesson in diversity. In my short trip, I learnt that diversity is not only the color of your skin or your sexual orientation, but a mindset that informs how you communication and actualize community.

Where many of us get upset over broken air conditioners, these determined souls work day and night in violent and overcrowded surroundings to provide better lives to their families. There is much to be said about the entrepreneurial spirit of Hamid - a 17 year-old orphan boy from Dharavi, who fishes out gold particles from the run off sewage from local gold recycling plants. I am confident that a few weeks spent with people like him would teach my classmates and me a thing or two about bottom of the pyramid innovation and local governance.
thenewdude   
Dec 27, 2013
Undergraduate / Bookstore and café - CommonApp Essay (favorite place prompt) [15]

Hey cicijole,

I think the essay is very descriptive; you do a good job there! I can also totally picture this in my mind's eye and it makes me relate to you as a person. However, as someone above noted, you haven't mentioned what you'll bring to the college. you have described an important event in your life, but it isn't very clear how that has formed your views, or what exactly it is that you bring to the table.

if you another essay, you can post that too and get opinions on that as well if you like. maybe that will help you in your decision.

Cheers!
thenewdude   
Dec 27, 2013
Undergraduate / Technology Clinic and passion - Why Lafayette? My attempt to be a little different. [11]

helloimyellow
Hey! I have been deliberating on that too, and if in two days I am not satisfied with the list, I'll go for that approach. By the way, I have edited the list a bit, see if you can figure out what's the catch :)

Glad you asked!
Alternative School Break Club.
The familial energy and bonding.
The delicious nachos at Gilbert's Café.
SIT Study Abroad's insightful environmental studies programs.
Midnight Breakfast, 1000 Nights and other endearing traditions.
The vibrant Skillman Library, buzzing with constant intellectual activity.
The intimate classroom setting and the authentic student-teacher relationships.
L.E.A.P. and its myriad of endeavors to empower the local community.
The chance to participate in the Campus Rainworks Challenge with Dr. Brandes.
The ability to DO things rather than just read about them in textbooks.
The passion at Technology Clinic of using classroom knowledge to tackle real world problems.
The liberty to continue playing basketball, while maintaining a healthy balance with my academic passions.
The brilliant Interim program, with its freedom to completely soak oneself in one's subject of choice.
The wonderful chance to get my hands dirty with the School for Field Studies' summer abroad programs.
The space to combine my passion for a better environment with my love for computer science and psychology.
The gentle guidance of the Gateway program, preparing one for professional life while never restricting one's freedom to explore.
But most of all, for the knowledge that at the end of four years I wouldn't just be a great environmentalist; I would be a better person.
thenewdude   
Dec 26, 2013
Undergraduate / Technology Clinic and passion - Why Lafayette? My attempt to be a little different. [11]

SilverKnight

Thanks for the review. I was actually trying to go for something different here. I know everyone picks one or two things about the college that really appeal to them, I just thought that after a long day at work adcoms would appreciate this. Did I totally fail at pulling this off?
thenewdude   
Dec 26, 2013
Undergraduate / "Optional" Why Duke? Short Answer: Undergraduate Economics [9]

much, much better.
Your last sentence is quite long. Not that it sounds awkward or anything, but isn't it generally a rule of thumb that you should always use short to medium length sentences in college essays?

Other than that, I think this essay is submission-ready.
thenewdude   
Dec 26, 2013
Undergraduate / "Optional" Why Duke? Short Answer: Undergraduate Economics [9]

You basically cover all the basics - nothing much to add here.
Two small suggestions though - your opening sentence can be stronger. You basically repeat the question in the first third - 'There are a number of things that attract me to Duke...'. I can't think of something right now, but I am sure something more forceful can come here.

Secondly, in the last sentence, you use a semi colon. Maybe a dash (-) would serve a better purpose?

Overall, a great job in 150 words!

Can you please critique my Lafayette essay? Just FYI, it may seem longer, but it's only 213 words long.
thenewdude   
Dec 26, 2013
Undergraduate / Brown short answer essays. Where have you lived Why are you drawn to the academic subjects [5]

I have set for myself the goal to achieve greatness in the overwhelmingly captivating and complex field of cognitive science, so that I might help people like my brother, and perhaps, one day, I can inspire others through my passionate contribution. - I have set for myself the goal to achieve expertise in the (why would you want to say it's overwhelming) captivating and complex field of cognitive science, so that I may (might seems a tad unsure) help people like my brother, and perhaps (lose the comma) some (not one) day, even inspire others through my passion and dedication.

I was born and raised in Bucharest, the capital of Romania. After 18 years of observation, I see my hometown as a fusion between two drastically different concepts. On the one hand, there is the stoic mentality instilled by communism; while on the other hand there is the desire to strive for material progress, and the aspiration to achieve higher life standards. Interestingly, both of these perceptions are simultaneously expressed through aspects such as the architectural diversity. Buildings of completely different designs stubbornly stand next to each other, mirroring the city's determination to evolve, with the elements that once formed 'The Little Paris'.

hope i was helpful:)
Irina, could please critique my Lafayette essay?
thenewdude   
Dec 26, 2013
Undergraduate / Science Olympiad / Teaching position in China - EXTRACURRICULAR ESSAY--Which one? [5]

^^what the above poster said. How you dealt with cultural collide can really make your essay stand out. You seem to be brilliant with imagery, but I think you should get rid of some of the descriptions and focus a little more on how that experience affected you.

Good job, and please review my lafayette essay.
thenewdude   
Dec 26, 2013
Undergraduate / Technology Clinic and passion - Why Lafayette? My attempt to be a little different. [11]

Hey guys! Below is my response to the prompt: Why Lafayette? (20-200 words). Please critique it as harshly as you feel appropriate.

For a host of reasons!
The energy.
The authentic relationships.
The nachos at Gilbert's.
The Alternative School Break Club.
The SIT Environmental Sciences semester abroad program.
Midnight Breakfast, 1000 Nights and other endearing traditions.
The vibrant Skillman Library, buzzing with constant intellectual activity.
The intimate classroom setting and the authentic student-teacher relationships.
L.E.A.P. and its myriad endeavors to empower the local community.
The chance to participate in the Campus Rainworks Challenge with Dr. Brandes.
The ability to DO things rather than just read about them in textbooks.
The passion at Technology Clinic of using classroom knowledge to tackle real world problems.
The liberty to continue playing basketball, while maintaining a healthy balance with my academic passions.
The brilliant Interim program, with its freedom to completely soak oneself in one's subject of choice.
The chance to get my hands dirty with the School for Field Studies' summer abroad programs.
The space to combine my passion for the environment with my love for computer science and psychology.
Gentle guidance of the Gateway program, preparing me for life after college while never restricting one's freedom to explore.
But most of all, for the knowledge that at the end of four years I wouldn't just be a great environmentalist; I would be a better person.
thenewdude   
Dec 25, 2013
Undergraduate / Pomona Prompt - Design a Critical Inquiry Course - Politics of Beauty [6]

there's not much to say here. as quanny said, it's an interesting and detailed read. and again, it can benefit by relating to your personal experiences. you have shown WHAT the course will comprise of; you haven't shown WHY it should be floated in the first place. get that sorted, and i think you have a solid, balanced essay.

please critique my essays:)
thenewdude   
Dec 25, 2013
Undergraduate / University of Pennsylvania Supplement - "Why you are a good fit for your school choice" [9]

as quanny said, its a very well written essay. if i may, here are little suggestions:

particularly intrigued by the Penn Center - particularly drawn to

in the last para, maybe you should use the present tense instead of the future? I am not sure about this though, ask someone else for opinion as well.

Other than that, nicely written and very specific!

Please critique my essays too :)
thenewdude   
Dec 25, 2013
Undergraduate / Humanitarian Club - Boston University's reason for applying [2]

I think you do bring out your interest forcefully. Don't worry about that. About the word limit thing, here are my two cents:

these are all of the aesthetics - these are aesthetics

the more convenient choice for me - the more convenient choice

Boston University's collaborative community has proven to me that my four years being spent there would flourish just as greatly as it would living in the Big Apple. - do you mean to say you'll flourish at BU? if so, it doesn't come out very well in this sentence. Try editing it. Or you could say, Even though staying in NYC is the more convenient choice, Boston University's diverse community calls out to me.

You can say 'Boston celebrates collaboration' instead of 'promotes'.

With these two spectra, it was inevitable for me think otherwise when applying to Boston University. - I can feel what you are trying to put across, but the formation is definitely wrong. Please revise it and get back to me.

And please please critique my essays :)
thenewdude   
Dec 24, 2013
Undergraduate / Archeaology of quotes - STANFORD SUPPLEMENT - What matters to you [6]

very tight, convincing writing. Just one suggestion (I may be totally wrong here), in the second last line, the ordering of the commas should change : Now, as promised before the minute ends, what's your favorite quote? becomes Now as promised, before the minute ends, what's your favorite quote?
thenewdude   
Dec 24, 2013
Undergraduate / Batter's box/ Writing; USC Short Answers -extracurricular/academic interests [3]

very well written overall. However, here are my 2cents:

source of some of my greatest... - source of my greatest..

throwing me batting practice - throwing for/during batting practice

this high level of conceit - what exactly are you trying to say here?

control your emotions - control one's emotions

reach success - reach success; they have formed the man I am today.

I feel you effectively convey your passion for your sport, and thus 229 words should well suffice.

Please critique my essay :)
thenewdude   
Dec 24, 2013
Undergraduate / My love of puns: Middlebury optional supplement [10]

Hey guys! Below is my essay for the Middlebury optional supplement. I am honestly not sure whether it is stupid or funny. Take a gander:

Please feel free to briefly share with us anything you would like us to know that is not otherwise covered in the Common Application (250 word max) -- my word count=213

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
Don't know? Poker Face.
Here's another one: What is an existentialist's favorite type of music?
Heavy meta.
They say puns are the lowest form of humor. Which is true - indeed, they're the very foundation of humor, and one of the few that don't necessarily have to be at someone's expense. Not only are puns amusing, but their usage displays a fine mastery of language and a quick wit.

Not to toot my own horn, but I am an expert punster. Most weekends, you would find me furiously browsing online forums and guest blogs, analyzing the results of past editions of the World Punoff Championships, watching recorded episodes of 'The Simpsons' in slow motion, or re-reading the collected works of Shakespeare and James Joyce, trying to find every pun I can, glean every insight into the minds of master punsters. I have always sought to draw inspiration from wherever I can, and selflessly kiss my creations out into the world to benefit all mankind. And I must be succeeding. Why else would my best puns be met by ridicule, painful groans, and threats of physical violence? Could there be starker signs of unappreciated genius?

Thus, I must persevere. After all, not everyone can have my level of fauxpertise.
thenewdude   
Dec 21, 2013
Undergraduate / Eco-Protectors; Vanderbilt supp - Extra curricular activities. [7]

Thanks a ton for the honest review. I have two questions:
1) I am not able to post a link to our website, but if you google "Shlok Gilda Eco Protectors", it is the first link. Please please take a look and let me know if it looks alright, because I don't want to get rejected due to no fault of mine. Although we were featured in the local news, I don't have a recording of the news bulletin. Should I contact them and ask for a copy of that piece?

2) You said this sounds unbelievable due to it's fast pace. How do you recommend I remedy that?
thenewdude   
Dec 20, 2013
Undergraduate / My history teacher - Princeton Suppl. "person who has influenced you in a significant way" [3]

Good read overall, although I have the following suggestions (I am not a native speaker of English, so take these with a grain of salt):

This shame and embarrassment I felt for my country... - for my motherland

American have of it... - Most Americans have of it

Oh, how that has changed now. - Oh, how that has changed!

to metaphorically open my eyes - to open my eyes

Also, try not to use contractions (can not instead of can't).

Yes, I think you can edit this a bit and use it as supplementary addition for both the other places.

And please review both my essays!
thenewdude   
Dec 20, 2013
Undergraduate / Bryn Mawr Supplement - "I don't want to go to college." [6]

I'm more prone to envisioning- I like to envision??

I"m of a restless and curious mind - I have a restless and curios mind??

Maybe you could try substituting a few "I'll" with "I would"? I dunno why, but I would just sounds a bit more humble. (you can totally ignore this!)

"Because my interests arc across a spectrum of subjects, you're likely to find me in my room on a friday night" - My interests arc across a spectrum of subjects, and most evenings you're likely to find me in my room....

"Mastering the language and the other challenges Bryn Mawr hands me will be difficult. But yet, in an atmosphere of intellectual stimulation, my mind being pushed to its farthest reaches, it will be utterly worth it. " - This won't be easy, but an atmosphere of intellectual stimulation that pushes me to my limits, and fellow students who are as passionate about their dreams as I am will make it all worth it!

By attending Bryn Mawr, I expect to learn more about what it means to be a woman. - This is an all women's college, they must get that thousands of time every year. Try to change it, or remove it altogether.

No, I don't want to college. I want to go to Bryn Mawr. - Now that I think about it, I do want to go to college. But not just any college - I want to go to Bryn Mawr.

I am not a native English speaker, so do take my suggestions with a grain of salt!
thenewdude   
Dec 20, 2013
Undergraduate / Learning about courage and compassion: Princeton's supplementary essay [4]

Thanks 9muses!

How about I use "Little did I know God does listen to little kids!" instead of "And the miracle did happen!"?

A vision document defines the high-level scope and purpose of a program, product, or project. (second google result)

True, "I became a different person" does sound kinda redundant. Thanks for pointing that out!

wiki entry for wada pav: Vada pav (Marathi: वड़ा पाव), sometimes spelled wada pav or vada paav, is a popular spicy vegetarian fast food dish native to the Indian state of Maharashtra. It consists of a batata vada sandwiched between two slices of a pav. The compound word batata vada refers in Marathi to a vada (fritter) made out of batata, the latter referring to a potato. Pav refers to unsweetened bread or bun. It is also known as an Indian burger.

It is DELICIOUS!!

Thanks! Princeton is HIGH reach for me, but a person can dream :) Good luck with your bryn mawr application. Will review it asap!
thenewdude   
Dec 20, 2013
Undergraduate / Eco-Protectors; Vanderbilt supp - Extra curricular activities. [7]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences (Recommended length: 250 words)

In the ninth grade, my best friend and I formed Eco-Protectors - our attempt to address the environmental travails facing our home-town. We decided to tackle the problem of rising air pollution by planting more trees, and over the next two weeks gave two presentations to the xyz Municipality and were promised one hundred saplings of abc. On the following Sunday, about 30 students from our school gathered at my apartment building. Along with some municipality workers - who had graciously agreed to help us on a holiday - we went to two nearby housing societies and had the most wonderful time getting our hands dirty, and getting the local residents - both children and the elderly- involved. This is one of the fondest memories I have and it showed me that if you share your hopes and dreams with those around you, if they trust your capabilities and conviction, people will do their best to see you through.

This is about 150 words long. Can you guys please suggest what else I should add to increase the word count?
thenewdude   
Dec 20, 2013
Undergraduate / Hydrophobia; College of William and Mary ; optional opportunity [5]

"I cannot explain how beautiful nature is. I saw nature, fishes swirling around me." You are shifting tenses here. Change it to - I can not explain how beautiful that moment was", or something like that.

" I guarantee the elegancy that an under-ocean shows is promising." It's elegance, not elegancy. Also, "that an under-ocean show promises".
thenewdude   
Dec 20, 2013
Undergraduate / Learning about courage and compassion: Princeton's supplementary essay [4]

Hey guys! Below is my response to princeton's prompt :Using a favorite quotation from an essay or book you have read in the last three years as a starting point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world. Please write the quotation, title and author at the beginning of your essay. word limit - 500. (I have used 533 words)

Please let me know how you like it; I have little writing experience and am looking for helpful feedback. Thanks!

"She had studied the universe all her life, but had overlooked its clearest message: For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love." - Contact, by Carl Sagan.

On 26th of July, 2005, my father and I had gone to visit an old college friend of his in Worli, Mumbai. It was only when we started to leave that we noticed the sheets of rain, which had been relentlessly pelting the sides of the building, had caused mayhem on the streets outside. In spite of his friend's warning, Papa decided to catch the bus to Mahim, pointing out that torrential rains hit Mumbai every monsoon.

It was becoming clearer by the second that this was no ordinary downpour. By the time we realized it, virtually the entire city had been flooded and it was too late to get out of the bus - there was no way we could have covered the remaining distance on foot. Papa coaxed me to sleep for a little while, with the assurance that things would get better soon. By 9 pm, pangs of hunger had woken me up and I was praying feverishly for a miracle. And the miracle did happen! Within few minutes, some people started boarding our bus with steel crates on their heads. As if by divine providence, these unexpected Samaritans had turned up with bottles of water, packets of biscuits, and the Mumbai staple of 'wada-pav'. From their clothing it was apparent that they were lower to lower-middle class folks - most likely from Dharavi, the nearby slum settlement. Dharavi is in a low lying area and consequently the effects of this deluge would have been most acute there. Yet these selfless souls had taken time out of helping their own families to help strangers, putting their own welfare at stake. Later that night they even provided us with transport on a makeshift raft and helped us reach our relatives' place, who were overjoyed to see our faces. We got into warm and dry beds that night, thanking our stars at just being alive.

It has been eight years now since that night which took the lives of over a hundred Mumbaikars. What happened there was neither televised nor broadcast, but it meant the world to 56 despondent passengers. Until then, I was convinced that the world was not run on fancy theories of selfless service but rather on the Darwinian notion of each man for himself. The sweat-drenched faces of those men proved me wrong. I now know that the change we all hanker for, the change that we all visualize through costly seminars and vision documents, will neither be mandated nor photographed; instead, it will come in miniscule selfless acts, quietly done and cloaked in humility. Being saved by a group of strangers whose conviction to serving others became an inspiration for me since that night, I became a different person. Now, whenever there is a moment where I can help and change things for the better, those unnamed selfless friends, our saviours, remind me repeatedly how apathy is unacceptable, and that we all have the strength to change what is broken in our lives, and in the world.

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