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Posts by plee24
Name: Pearl Lee
Joined: Dec 27, 2013
Last Post: Jan 5, 2014
Threads: 3
Posts: 21  
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From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 24
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plee24   
Jan 5, 2014
Undergraduate / CU Boulder Supplement- "International Bufallete" [2]

It is the diversity and the inclusive community of CU BoulderCU Boulder's diversity and inclusive community, , among other aspects, that makes me believemake it is the right fit for me. I fell in love with everything about this campus(and city) once I landed here: its quirkiness, structure, sitting, green environment (I love the mountains!), RTD system, and. I never thought I would like to eat food from a cafeteria, but I miss C4C every time it closes due tofor the holidays. That is why I would like to address not only what I would contribute to CU Boulder, but also what CU Boulder has already contributed to me. I could contribute to CU Boulder's diverse and inclusive community by introducing my culture to it, having an active life and brilliant academic work leading me to an exceptional college experience. two sentences, you say you wanted to mention what CU boulder has already given you, but then in this last sentence you tell them what you can give CU boulder.. don't contradict yourself.

I believe that one's culture speaks a lot about someone. With this in mind, I definitely want to proliferate my culture wherever I go how does spreading your culture "speak a lot about someone"? . When I came to Boulder, I was glad to find an Angolan student that came before me but I noticed that there is nothing about my culture or country-specific aspect here. I was very sad when in the welcoming week I saw the flags of some African countries around the Farrand Field but my countries' was not theremine wasn't anywhere in sight. . It made me think that I need to put my country on the map and showing its unique aspects such as dance, music and cuisine on a university campus,is a start to make people acknowledge it more I still don't know which country you're talking about. Angola? . Here at CU, I have so many opportunities to do it through cultural and multi-affairs associations that have frequent events at the University Memorial Center name some of the specific associations; show that you did research about CU Boulder . In addition, I bring with me a native sense of community and familiarity that is identity of my country peers<repetive , which has helped me thrive when building relationships with people from different backgrounds.

An active college life will not only provide me with new experiences, but also allow me to introduce more of myself to the community. At CU, I want to be involved as much as possible, from sports to volunteering and cultural associations. I've always been sportily activeactive in sports and CU will further this aspect of me due tofurther my interest with its wide range of options, beingsome of them my favorites: soccer, swimming, of which I'm a national athlete in Angola, and tennis. I've been swimming professionally in my country for more than 7 years and have been doing it regularly here in Boulder. Hopefully, I will join the Buffalo team. I also had the opportunity to volunteer after the flood, which I witnessed. That was the only time I disliked Boulder weather.I enjoy volunteering, and helping others in my community after the recent flood (the only bad thing about Boulder weather) was a new and enriching experience for me helping others in a larger scale . Therefore, I want to keep doing it, and CU provides me so many opportunities through societies like the VRC.spell out what the VRC is, if you can

I am curious and persistent . I'll always be ready to work hard, pushing through my limits to show how great of an education I'll be given at CU BoulderCU Boulder will give mekeep your verb tense active; avoid passive. GIVE rather than BE GIVEN. . CU carries a research college status that I'm already being able to witness. For instance, I didn't think I'd do a research paper while at the IEC, but I did it and it showed me how great accomplishments I could achieve here. It alsoCompleting a research paper at the IEC showed how much research is valued here, making it the rightperfect place to meet all my goals as an engineering student, while, at the same time, contributing to the university's research plans . spell out the IEC, if you can

To sum up,<stay away from cheesey closing statements, like "In conclusion" etc. Just go straight into your conclusionA s I work to enrich CU Boulder's community, it will also provideI also hope the school will provide me with everything I couldcan hope for a great college experience: a journey of many academic and extracurricular achievements and build ofnew relationships with people from different cultures and backgrounds, thus expanding my horizons and cultural awareness.

Only correcting flow/grammar/ usage errors first. I'll pare down the word count once you have a rewrite.
plee24   
Jan 5, 2014
Undergraduate / Well rounded exposure - Why I'm interested in Georgia Tech? [3]

That'd be a good idea. Where did your interest in environmental engineering originate? Answering that question will give the adcom better insight to who you are as a person. You can even delete your first sentence to make room for that explanation. For example, in my supplements, when the colleges ask that question, I mention wanting to become a biomedical engineer because my brother has a long-term arthritis that affects his spine, and I would link the college's recent discoveries in orthopedic engineering and cartilage synthesis to make a connection between the school and myself. As for your case, Georgia Tech probably has a recent breakthrough with something in green engineering- you can talk about that.
plee24   
Jan 4, 2014
Undergraduate / How an education at The Art Institute of Philadelphia will help you obtain your goals. [2]

This may be a little harsh, but better from me than from an adcom.
Sorry, I don't exactly see how you're trying to stand out. You have valid reasons, but many of them could be applied to other schools- you can meet people in New York with different mindsets, different views on art, so what exactly is it about Philadelphia that makes it so unique? I am sure everyone else who studies film also wants to get on the big screen and become a known name in film history. It's good that you delineate some of your goals, but you want to talk about how the Art Institute attracts you (do some research and mention a school-specific program or an opportunity A.I.P provides).

Overall, it is good. Good luck with the rest of your application!
plee24   
Jan 4, 2014
Undergraduate / Why Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering? contribute to national development [3]

Good job on including a personal story- it shows the admission committee a bit of who you are. You might to be a little clearer in the beginning as to where you are in your memory. Perhaps start off with, "I was in tenth grade, exploring an international defense and aerospace expo that was only in town for a few hours." Then, you can delete the same sentence later in the paragraph. Try to research more about Tohoku University and WHAT makes it unique. Other universities also offer aerospace and mechanical engineering programs in English too? What makes you want to go to Tohoku?

I wish you good luck with the rest of your application!
plee24   
Jan 2, 2014
Undergraduate / Touching the dogs / Coding months / Mirage life - Stanford [3]

However, by breaking the boundary of these people, and getting to know the kids as individuals by attempting to walk in their bodily small yet (adjective) heavy shoes, I came to appreciate the impact of my trip ten-fold.

In your first supplement about experiences in Mexico, I'd suggest that you clarify either who told you those rules or that they are rules- it took me until the second paragraph to realize they were warnings that supervisors might have given you while on your trip. Why couldn't you previously feel emotion and fulfillment in such a great project? Perhaps elaborate that you were only going through the motions, building the water heaters piece by piece, until you realized exactly how much these children needed clean, hot water when you placed yourself in their shoes. It'd probably be better to give examples of the children going about their days without water, or maybe something like, "Don't touch the dogs- they haven't had a bath in days," and then bring it full circle at the end where you can say something around the lines of how something as simple as hot water, usually taken for granted, can provide so much happiness/security/comfort/etc.
plee24   
Jan 2, 2014
Undergraduate / Hiring a contractor - unfathomable universe - supplement for Yale [3]

I know the deadline is already over butttt:

At first I wanted to say that I loved your beginning sentence. Then I wanted to say how I loved your entire first paragraph...but now all I can say is that I love your entire essay! Describing home-improvement projects is definitely a unique angle (hah!) to write from and Yale will not only learn something physical that it didn't know before, but also other aspects of you that are unique- how you work, your personality, your interests.

Good luck with getting into Yale! This was a great piece of writing.
plee24   
Jan 2, 2014
Undergraduate / "The Bull Within Me" - UC Prompt #2 [4]

I LOVE your analogy relating Tourettes and a raging bull, but the first five sentences are a bit confusing. At first glance, I thought the raging bull was your temper. The reference to sharp horns is also misleading. You also contradict yourself by saying that your consciousness is deft, or very skillful, in taming the beast, but then you panic on stage when you can't control it; perhaps you should instead saying that you can only consciously control your tics and jerks half the time. Your last paragraph is very good; it shows how you have grown and matured because of your disorder.
plee24   
Jan 1, 2014
Undergraduate / The Rain Room / Fu Foundation School - Why Columbia; Why Engineering [2]

For each essay reviewed, I will review one in exchange.

Tell us what you found meaningful about one of the above mentioned books, publications or cultural events.(300 words or fewer)
Imagine controlling the weather and possessing the power to stop rain. Last summer, at the Rain Room exhibit hosted by the Museum of Modern Art, I waited seven hours, seemingly with all of New York, to be allotted the privilege of the gods. The Rain Room was an intersection of science, technology, and human ingenuity. Body-mapping cameras controlled a grid of falling water that cycled at a rate of a thousand liters per minute: wherever you stood, the water did not. The Rain Room encouraged people to become performers on an unexpected stage, bringing together art enthusiasts, technology lovers, and the simply curious, like me. No one could explain exactly why I waited on line from eight o'clock in the morning until three in the afternoon only to be rushed out of the exhibit by security guards after fifteen minutes. Perhaps it was the fear of missing out, the longing to join others in conversation about the latest trend in interactive art. In the end, it was most likely the need to validate that despite the downpour, I never got wet-a perfect metaphor for the obstacles in life that trip me up, but never permanently.

After experiencing the Rain Room, I was reminded how to enjoy life one moment at a time. It did not matter that I spent an entire Sunday afternoon on a warm, humid sidewalk only for my pilgrimage to end in another warm, humid building. The involvement that went into my journey-making friends with strangers on the pavement and slowing down in a world all about hustle and bustle-made it worthwhile.

Tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why.(300 words or fewer)

Columbia is a microcosm of New York City-a melting pot of ethnic and intellectual diversity. When I visited the University for an Engineering Invitational and sat on the steps of Low Memorial Library, I could feel the energy from the city reflected in the bustling student population and vibrant campus. When Mr. Vallancourt presented to the audience a tidbit of his "The Art of Engineering," I fervently wished that I was a freshman in his course so I could see the rest of his presentation. His apparent passion for electrical engineering and teaching students was as bountiful as the internship opportunities that accompany Columbia's location in the heart of the United States' most dynamic city.

Because the Fu Foundation School is dedicated to creating socially responsible engineers, I can turn to societies like Engineers Without Borders to weave civic engagement into my education. The Office of Global Programs' study abroad options simultaneously extend my learning beyond the classroom and apply my knowledge toward helping others. Columbia's unique Core Curriculum and commitment to acquiring knowledge across several disciplines ensure that I'll graduate as a well-rounded, intellectually aware Lion. The Core, with the breadth that it imposes, allows my classmates and I to share a significant common foundation of knowledge that fosters thoughtful discussions and the formation of strong bonds. I cannot imagine a better place than Columbia's Morningside Heights campus to thrive in an environment focused on innovation and collaboration.

If you are applying to The Fu Foundation School of Engineering and Applied Science, please tell us what from your current and past experiences (either academic or personal) attracts you specifically to the field or fields of study that you noted in the Member Questions section. (300 words or fewer)

My interest in biomedical technologies, coupled with summer program experiences in STEM, has given me the desire to become a bioengineer so that I can develop healthcare solutions to help those, like my sibling, with chronic autoimmune disorders. My older brother has ankylosing spondylitis (AS), long-term arthritis that affects his spine. On some days when his joints are especially inflamed, he cannot get out of bed and struggles to even sit up. As an engineer, I want to push the vanguard of biomedical solutions for the problems society faces today. I can use my persistence in overcoming challenges and understanding of biology to better devise synthetic biomaterials for artificial joint replacements and work toward answering other conundrums in biomedical engineering. Columbia's recent breakthrough in repairing damaged joint cartilage and addressing the issue of implementing synthetic replacements underscores its passion for innovation; I want to be a part of the same community that fosters such groundbreaking research. Senior design projects in biomedical engineering reflect Columbia's devotion to undergraduate involvement, and it is with those ventures that I can solve real-world problems.

The Fu Foundation School of Engineering and Applied Science, with its wide array of undergraduate research opportunities and world-renowned faculty, is the perfect place for me to harness my intellectual curiosity and use it to make a permanent difference in medical science.
plee24   
Dec 30, 2013
Undergraduate / 'As an English major with a focus in English...' Japan Studies Program Essay [2]

Overall, I like the amount of detail and concrete examples you gave to support your opinion, but it feels as though you're "laundry-listing": "I hope to learn boundaries, manners, cultural differences..." "I hope to create a network..." "I hope to also further my skills.." "I hope to further my understanding.." "I also hope to travel and visit..."

Try to vary your structure- in your nine sentences, "hope" is mentioned five times. Use synonyms like "aspire", "desire", "want", "look forward to", etc.

Other than that, good luck with the rest of your application!
plee24   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Brain and Cognitive Sciences at MIT- why major? [9]

In the italics, you can see that I've struckthrough the apostrophe s. The final sentence should include "brain mechanics," not "brain's mechanics".
plee24   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Which version of my "MIT: describe your world" responses is better? [3]

Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*) (200-250 words)

The two essays are essentially rehashed/reordered paragraphs of each other, with a few minor alterations. Please give feedback on which is better, and if possible, what I can do to improve it. Thank you!

1.
Every other month, my mother leaves on a three week trip to Taiwan, a journey she takes in order to tend to her ailing parents as well as business relations abroad. My brother and I try our best to hold down the fort when she's out of town, but besides worrying about whether I'll finish my homework in time and get to sleep before 2am, my mind is occupied with a host of other errands to complete. My academic, social, and personal lives already demand enough attention, but during my mother's absence, bill payments, laundry, and cooking meals merge with my growing to-do list. However, as much as I resent the added responsibilities, I understand that my mother has her own duties to address, because family is always our first priority, and working hard is second.

It appears then, that of all the nicknames that I have, "Pearl Jam" seems to me the most appropriate. Although I am spread thin, each of my activities, whether it's dribbling up the court on a fast break or tossing together homemade chicken Alfredo for dinner, has my full commitment. My mother leaves me on my own every other month not only because she has to, but because she knows I'll do everything in my power to keep our home (and myself) intact. She's taught me that it's indeed possible to balance work with family and, even in the midst of hardship, you can always push through and prevail. (245 words)

2.
Of all the nicknames that I have, "Pearl Jam" seems to me the most appropriate. Although I am spread thin, each of my activities has my full commitment, whether it's dribbling up the court on a fast break or tossing together meals while my mother is gone, halfway across the world in Taiwan tending to her ailing parents. She leaves for three weeks every other month not only because she has to, but because she knows I'll do everything in my power to keep our home (and myself) intact. When she is out of town, my brother and I try our best to hold down the fort, but besides worrying about whether I'll finish my homework in time and get to sleep before 2am, my mind is occupied with a host of other errands to complete.<thinking about deleting this sentence My academic, social, and personal lives already demand enough attention, but during my mother's absence, bill payments, laundry, and cooking meals merge with my growing to-do list. As much as I resent the added responsibilities, I understand that my mother has her own duties to address, because family is always our first priority, and working hard is second.

My mother has taught me that it's indeed possible to balance work with family and, even in the midst of hardship, you can always push through and prevail. If she can juggle a grandfather recuperating from a total knee replacement surgery eight thousand miles away, a small business, and a divorce case at home, surely I can find time to vacuum the house in between band practice, prepping for my next exam, and shopping for groceries. (271, 224 with italicized sentence omitted)
plee24   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / "Heidi, you good!"; Bowdoin Supplement - Common Good [5]

"Heidi, you good!" Michayla said awkwardly, yet anxiously with a smile and a hug after the game. Hearing those words and feeling that hug givesgave me greater sense and purpose than actually playing well in my hockey game. Michayla is a special needs student at my high school and she never misses a game. While she may never truly understand whether I play well or not, she stands atop that which is exposed of a common good iceberg what are you trying to say there? . I have been blessed to understand my existence is not solely about me and have become very involved in many activities in and out of school that add to the common good of my community. I believe the common good of any society starts with interpersonal relationships one at a time;only use semicolons when connecting two complete sentences positively affecting one person and then each carrying that to the next. I take an introspective approach to life, like when G.K. Chesterton answered the London Times question of , "What's Wrong with the World?" with "I am".

I understand that you are trying to draw an analogy between yourself, Michayla, and an iceberg, but I'm not exactly seeing what quality an iceberg emulates. I do like how you include a specific anecdote about yourself and how it exemplifies your attempt to contribute to your community.

Would you mind posting the exact prompt? I can give better advice with a theme to focus on.

plee24   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Licking tigers - UCHICAGO- favorites supplement-- Dr. Seuss and painting [4]

Other than the clarifications that were suggested by llsir (I have never heard of Highlights magazine either), which are definitely points to look and revise, I absolutely loved your essay- the catchy beginning, the chronological flow, how you tied together your favorites in your conclusion.. You have a very prominent voice that shows through in this supplement. Good luck with the rest of your application(s)!
plee24   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Brain and Cognitive Sciences at MIT- why major? [9]

...I hope to learn brain's mechanics in greater depth...

Other than that, I like your response! You included a great example that really shows your passion for neuroscience.
plee24   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Food/ Baking/ Bioengineering; MIT; Central to Identity/Pleasure activity/ Major [8]

I've added another MIT short prompt response, please take a look at it!

What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about. (*) (200-250 words)

Resilience. As a toddler, it was what kept me in sports even after I'd manage to strike out in T-ball and run around the bases in the wrong direction. As a high schooler, it is what keeps me working hard in academia; I do not allow a bad quiz grade to faze me and put me down for the rest of the marking period. Just as I cannot permit a bad day to negatively affect my performance during sports games or band competitions, I also don't let the process of settling my parents' divorce sour my attitude. Though my parents' marriage deteriorated over five years ago, my mother had decided only last March to end her relationship with my father. I have had to sit with her late nights helping her proofread "drafts of certification" and fill in "case information statements," trying to fathom what exactly caused my parents to grow apart. It's my resilience that allows me to overcome obstacles like this and keep negative thoughts, especially those about my upbringing, out of my head.

Although I am older and on my own to recover from the challenges I encounter throughout my life, I still rely upon the same resilience from my childhood to bounce back from tough situations and make the most out of them. This virtue may not eliminate stress or difficulties, but it gives me the confidence to overcome adversity, learn from my experiences, and move on with my life.
plee24   
Dec 28, 2013
Undergraduate / I will make you laugh when you are too stressed and make you forget, why are you sad. [2]

Wakes ceremonies are not fun. Of course not! One member of your family has just die!Well of course not, one's family member has just died!

When my best friend Caro 's aunt died five years ago, she asked if I could go withaccompany her to her aunt's wake.

"Yes, yes! Anything you need from me, I'll do my best., " I said.

Although I felt awkward, sinceclearly I clearly didn't know what I was supposed to do to make Caro (my friend) less sad or at least distract her from her loss.; but I knew that she needed me, so I did the only thing I'm good doing in desperate times. what exactly are you good at doing? What attribute of your personality are you trying to promote to MIT? Also, only use a semicolon (;) when joining two separate, complete sentences.

"Did you remember that time when I practically lived at your house?" I asked Caro with hesitation. She looked at me in confusion.

"Yes, my mother asked me in the mooringsmornings if you would be eating with us again." Her lips curled in a tiny similesmile .

"Did you remember that time when we finished the math project a month earlier?" I tried again.
"Who does that?" She chuckled., "Nerd!"

That was it,-during all night I continued telling her stories of what we'd done since we met, I medemaking her laugh a bit and cheering her up . I put my awkwardness aside, and I helped, to the best of my ability, my best friend process a difficult time in her life< this is a suggestion, you do not need to insert it if you don't want to .

Wakes ceremonies are not fun. Of course not; but I'm thatthe kind of friend that will make you laugh when you are too stressed and make you forget, if just for a moment, why are you sad.

Overall, what I perceive you're trying to tell MIT is that you are a person who is good at cheering people up. I like that you used a specific memory with your best friend to create an anecdote, but I think you should elaborate more on how your attribute has impacted your life.

Please take a look at my supplements!
plee24   
Dec 28, 2013
Undergraduate / CAN; UVA supplement - My favorite word [3]

the word "I can do it" < "I can do it" is an entire phrase, you might wanna reword that , the word can.

Can is a strong, motivating word. You can try. You can challenge. You can learn. It implies that you are able to accomplish something, even if it seems difficult and challenging. Can means nothing is impossible as long as you can try. In my lifetime, I have had a lot of moments when I wanted to give up, making excuses to myself that I can't do it. But whenever I feel like I'm not capable of accomplishing it, I would remember what my mother said that day,the power of "you can do it", the power of "can". <that fragment makes your sentence a run-on.
plee24   
Dec 27, 2013
Undergraduate / Food/ Baking/ Bioengineering; MIT; Central to Identity/Pleasure activity/ Major [8]

I've already applied to schools with my CommonApp response and had it looked over by my English teacher, but something still doesn't feel right about the flow of the last paragraph; any feedback about this (or the entire essay) is greatly appreciated. It also worries me that it's only 493 words (quality over quantity, but I definitely need some more descriptions somewhere).. This is responding to the central background/story prompt:

"Aiyaaaa!" is the first exclamation that pops out of my mother's mouth as soon as she comes home from a three week trip to Taiwan, a journey she takes every other month to visit her ailing parents. Even before she actually sees it, my mother already imagines the presumed entropy of our home, and she's rarely disappointed-the house is a mess, there are unpaid bills strewn on the kitchen counter, laundry is piled waist high, and seemingly worst of all, the refrigerator is empty. My brother and I try our best to hold down the fort when she's out of town, but besides worrying about whether I'll finish my homework in time and get to sleep before 2am, my mind is occupied with a to-do list of errands to complete: grocery shopping, cleaning the fish tank, and vacuuming the house, among others. Eating my way through the prepared food my mother leaves us before it perishes is the least of my concerns, which explains the vacant fridge and sheepish look on my face when I fruitlessly attempt to console my mother by saying, "At least the house hasn't burnt down."

Food is an important presence in my family. We eat special moon cakes in early September to celebrate the Mid-Autumn Festival, sticky rice bundled up in banana leaves while watching Dragon Boat Festivals, and glutinous tangyuan in sweet broth during the winter solstice. When I'm up late nights doing homework or studying for a test the next day, my mother offers me small bits of food and sweets, her method for keeping me alert through the night and a small "sorry" for not being able to help me, since she never attended college. The pre-packaged meals she assembles before she embarks on her bimonthly journeys are her contribution to my sanity as I attempt to juggle my social, academic, and personal lives. It certainly helps to have a bite to eat when I'm figuring out derivatives for math homework or correcting my mother's "drafts of certification" and "case information statements," trying to fathom what exactly caused my parents to grow apart. Those papers build the divorce case against my father, and though my parents' marriage deteriorated over five years ago, my mother decided only last March to end her relationship with my father.

Of all the nicknames that I have, "Pearl Jam" seems to me the most appropriate. A good jam must be "uniform throughout-not too stiff, not runny, not gummy or syrupy." In essence, it has the right viscosity. Although I am spread thin, each of my activities, whether it's dribbling up the court on a fast break or conducting a tempo on the field during a competition, has my full commitment. My mother leaves me on my own every other month not only because she has to, but because she knows I'll do everything in my power to keep our home (and myself) intact.

Here is also a look at two of my MIT short responses (still working on the other three). Evaluate them harshly please!

We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (*)(100 words or fewer)


On Saturday mornings, I like to bake. When I am in the kitchen, bathed in the aroma of white chocolate macadamia cookies or double fudge brownies, my worries of the week melt away. Mixing batter by hand is soothing, and I am mesmerized with the way the bright yellow yolks fuse with granules of flour and sugar, unleashing a sort of aromatic alchemy between molecules of proteins, lipids, and carbs. Baking perfectly spongey cupcakes with shiny domes ready for frosting is success in and of itself; the smiles that appear on my friends' and family's faces when they see confections headed their way are merely an added bonus.

Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? (*) (100 words or fewer)

My brother has ankylosing spondylitis (AS), long-term arthritis that affects his spine. On some days when his joints are especially inflamed, he cannot sit down or turn his head. My interest in biomedical technologies, coupled with summer program experiences in STEM, has given me the desire to become a bioengineer so that I may develop healthcare solutions to help those, like my brother, with chronic autoimmune disorders. The Department of Bioengineering, with its wide array of undergraduate research opportunities and world-renowned faculty, is the perfect place for me to harness my intellectual curiosity and use it to make a permanent difference in medical science.