Writing Feedback / TOEFL - modern society has become more complex, so it is essential for the young people [10]

I like your opening sentence very much, but I think you need to explain it more clearly.

What I like about this essay is your use of metaphor and your use of supporting evidence.

Here are some grammatical corrections:

...it goes without saying that planning and organisation abilities can...

...young people can have more opportunities if they have the ability to plan and organise...

Last but not least,the ability to plan and organise can enhance your creativity .

In your next to last sentence and throughout the essay, you go in and out of second person.

Research Papers / "Going the extra distance" - research paper -- and customer service [11]

Many college profs do mark down for use of Wikipedia, because its inadmissibility as a credible reference is generally covered in Comp 101 and in those "how to use the library" courses many first year students are required to take. Why inadmissible? Because, while it is a wonderful starting point for your research, and you certainly can access and cite any of the credible sources cited by articles, anyone can edit any entry at any time. Thus, it is always possible that some fool or hacker accidentally or deliberately introduced a falsehood moments before you accessed the page. While most falsehoods are caught and corrected relatively quickly, errors can and do sit on pages for weeks on end. (I've found and fixed many myself.)

Graduate / 'my passion for teaching and working with children' - Graduate Essay (Dept:special education) [9]

I'd like to see more life and less wordiness in your sentences. Are you a lively and engaging teacher? Then make sure your prose is also lively and engaging. Take out empty phrases like "in a sense" and "the fact that." Add action verbs and more vivid descriptions of the people and places you mention.

Graduate / Law School Personal Statement ("I am a fighter.") [11]

Rather than cutting any content, I'd like to see you tighten up your writing, using direct and concise sentences to say everything you say here in far fewer words.

For example...

before
I developed this maxim after I defeated the health issue that I had been struggling with since I was a child. None of the traditional medical treatments helped me to strengthen my poor health. Therefore, my parents signed me up for karate classes. What initially was aimed just to make me stronger and improve my physical fitness, gradually transformed into a challenging journey of self-discovery. Besides strengthening my health, this martial art program helped me to instill a sense of discipline, understand the importance of collaboration with others who share the same goal, develop and improve self-confidence.

after
I developed this world-view through karate classes, which my parents initiated in hope of improving my poor health. What began as pursuit of physical fitness became a journey of self-discovery. Karate instilled discipline, improved my self-confidence, and taught me the importance of collaboration.

Undergraduate / Barrier between me and my dream career; UT AUSTIN; SOP [10]

I really like the way this starts and also very much appreciate your wish to keep it short and (pun intended) sweet.

But you need to say more about your purpose. What will you do with your law degree? A degree is a means to an end, not a purpose in itself. Do you want to be a judge? A corporate lobbyist? An environmental defense attorney? A battered women's advocate? A politician? A prosecutor? A defense attorney? What? And why?

That's what they want to know. You might also mention what undergraduate major you would choose and which extracurricular activities you would be likely to see as consistent with your purpose.

Book Reports / King Lear naivety and inability to control his emotions (ENG4U class) [17]

Congratulations! You worked hard for those grades and deserve to feel good about them.

Research Papers / "Going the extra distance" - research paper -- and customer service [11]

I hear you, but I'd still err on the side of caution and avoid citing Wikipedia in an academic paper unless the prof has specifically said it's okay to do so. Otherwise, use Wikipedia for background information and to point you to credible sources, but do not cite it. Because, let's face it, you might not have been in class or may have been staring out the window when the prof said, as so many do, "don't use Wikipedia." Why take the risk, when there are so many other sources out there?

Scholarship / What can you contribute to ___ essay? - alumni scholarship [11]

Yes, I agree you need more examples and details to make the essay stronger. You refer to your personality, but we don't really get the chance to see it. Can you tell a story from your tutoring experience or your volunteer service?

Undergraduate / Barrier between me and my dream career; UT AUSTIN; SOP [10]

Ah, it's so nice to be understood.

Book Reports / King Lear naivety and inability to control his emotions (ENG4U class) [17]

And, Romeo -- Don't forget to pay the favor forward by helping others with their essays!

Research Papers / Your way of writing 10 or more pages research paper (univ or college level) [10]

What an excellent question, and what a good plan! Generally, students find themselves with too little to say because they've not done enough research. So, your steps 3-5 above are the keys: Collect enough sources, really read them, and take good notes in the process. Then, if anything, you'll find yourself with more than enough to say.

If you do find yourself falling short, page-wise, don't pad your paper with excessive quotations or endless repetition of the same points. Instead, go back to your sources for arguments or examples you may have neglected to note on your first reading.

Here's a tip for when you get to stage 7: Unless you are already absolutely certain of everything you're going to say, write your body first and then go back to write your introduction and conclusion. By doing this, you will ensure that your introduction and conclusion match each other and are consistent with your body. (Sometimes students go astray in longer papers by writing an introduction, saying more or different things than they planned in their body, and then writing a conclusion that is out of sync with the introduction.)

Writing Feedback / CBEST: Technology today has been positive or negative impact? [16]

Hmmm... You say that you cannot do simple things such as secure your house or feed yourself without technology. Fifty years ago, people could do those things without technology. Is that really a positive development?

Turning to the style of your essay, I notice too much repetition of the premise of the prompt: Technology is a part of daily life. On the other hand, I notice a lot of examples, which is very good.

Now, a few corrections:

Today,T echnology has become a part of our lives .

People use technology every day to solve daily problems at work and home.

At home, we often solve daily problems or enjoy activities using technology.

Writing Feedback / CBEST personal essay - an unforgettable person you have encountered in your life [13]

I like the new details that you've added about Mr. Taylor.

A few corrections:

I had a few math teachers, but only Mr. Taylor knew it how to make students to love math.

Every day in the morning, he could be found in his classroom ready to help any student before school started .

I tried many times to copy his style and methods in my class, but I was not capable to reach his level.

Mr. Taylor played a very special role in my life, and I will never forget his model.

In those last two, notice that you had two complete sentences joined by a coordinating conjunction. In order to avoid a run-on sentence, place a comma before the coordinating conjunction.

Writing Feedback / My first essay exercise - "we learn our most important lessons in school?" [7]

Sean has expressed my feelings exactly!

Another example:

If we could not solve practical problem more exactly and can not acquire more useful experience from the society, Tsinghua University, Peking University and many other famous universitieswould notrequire their student studying in school primarily, instead of encouragetheir students to engage in internships .

Please do revise for conciseness, saying directly what you mean in as few words as possible. Then we can help with grammar and content.

Undergraduate / Applying to Rutgers Fall 09; 'vibrant and vivacious community' [11]

It's not just long, wordy sentences, which are ill-advised but grammatically correct. You write actual run-on sentences, which are grammatically incorrect. So, Sean's advise is not just a matter of style. Break those sentences down so that you don't make grammatical errors!

Letters / Letter to Superintendent re: extending high school to 5 years [4]

Hmmm... A letter arguing against more education is unlikely to be successful if it is filled with grammatical errors. Here are just a couple:

Some people agree and disagree with this argument, perhaps because I am still in high school I disagree.

This is a comma splice. You need to either break it into two sentences, replacing the comma with a period, or use a semi-colon in place of the comma.

Next year I will be a senior and knowing that's my last year of high school is magnigicent.

This is a run-on sentence. Also, "magnificent" is misspelled.

My guess is that one of the "huge benefits" of an extra year of schooling might be better writing. What do you think?

Writing Feedback / CBEST personal essay - an unforgettable person you have encountered in your life [13]

Notice: Several people have now repeatedly told you to omit that first paragraph, which says nothing. That's good advice. Take it.

Undergraduate / The importance of Register in Marketing professions [7]

"Importance of register?" That doesn't even make grammatical sense! I think you've gotten something wrong. What are the exact words of the assignment? Double-check with the instructor or a classmate if you're just going on what you wrote down when given the assignment orally.

Writing Feedback / CBEST: Technology today has been positive or negative impact? [16]

Instead of "faster, easy, and more precisely" say "more quickly, easily, and precisely." Can you hear how better that sounds? That's because the items in the list now agree with each other in form. Always strive for such agreement within lists.

Graduate / 'my passion for teaching and working with children' - Graduate Essay (Dept:special education) [9]

You're welcome! Don't forget to pitch in and help others!

Writing Feedback / Yet another CBEST Essay - an unforgettable person you have encountered in life [4]

I agree that the essay is quite good. It's very vivid with a variety of sentence structures. There are errors, but not so significant as to interfere with your meaning. Here are some suggested corrections:

I was inspired; this is wha t I want to be able to do; this was a career for me.

He bubbled over in class with excitement and interest, even when he was teaching a subject he had gone over for years.

Writing Feedback / My first essay exercise - "we learn our most important lessons in school?" [7]

I'd get rid of phrases such as "give the devil his due" too.

I'm more concerned by grammar than by content at this point. For example, your conclusion is incoherent because it has four prefacing phrases -- "in conclusion," "according to me," (which Mustapha is right you should avoid), and "from this view of the subject," and "I'd like to agree that" -- followed by a a main clause -- "we acquire the knowledge outside of school is the more important" -- that is grammatically incorrect.

Research Papers / Research paper on HR related topics [6]

I don't understand. How is that an HR related topic?

Graduate / 'my passion for teaching and working with children' - Graduate Essay (Dept:special education) [9]

Once you have given help or feedback to another user, you will be able to start a thread of your own. Check out the FAQ for the forum for more answers.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - modern society has become more complex, so it is essential for the young people [10]

Your opening image, while arresting, still needs explication.

Undergraduate / Master' s Degree in Social Work - admission essay [3]

You say that "During my work period I got an opportunity to closely observe every political, criminal and social issues of my country." Surely, you must have some stories to tell! As Sean says, details and examples are what this essay needs most.

Graduate / Post-graduation Statement of Purpose [22]

I like the content of this essay, but there are too many grammatical errors for a graduate admission essay. Watch out for sentence fragments. I see that you also sometimes misuse prepositions, so you may want to brush up on them.

Essays / Narrative Essay - having lunch with any famous person [7]

In my experience, writing an essay n the form of a dialogue is so rarely done that the author always stands out from the crowd. Of course, if you stand out, then you have to do something to make good use of the attention! If you're going to be creative, be really creative! And, be sure that your grammar and punctuation are impeccable, because each sentence stands out starkly in a dialogue.

Undergraduate / Applying to Rutgers Fall 09; 'vibrant and vivacious community' [11]

It's not snobby to sing your own praises in an admission essay!

Letters / Cover letter to a Screening Committee; Network Support Specialist [4]

Sean is right. Your letter is fine, as far as it goes. And, of course, you are not hoping to be hired for a job that requires writing, so you need not demonstrate especially creative writing skills. But, the things to do to make the letter more interesting are also the things to do to make yourself a more attractive candidate. By providing more details and examples, you make your claims of expertise more credible.

Writing Feedback / The Advantages of Capital Punishment-- very short essay -- [6]

I can give you some feedback to help you improve the essay yourself. The first thing you must do is establish basic competence in English while stating your thesis. As it stands, the essay begins with two extremely long run on sentences:

There are some important advantages of capital punishment, and why the capital punishment is a good way to punish the people, and the advantages of capital punishment.

Capital punishment is an important way to punish the criminals, who killed people or who slaughters people because they killed people, so depend on their criminals, they deserve the capital punishment.

I think that the first sentence could end where you have the first comma. The second sentence becomes incoherent by the clause "so depend on their criminals." Since I can't figure out what you are saying, I can't suggest how to rephrase it. Start again, using very short, simple sentences.

Letters / help with my cover letter, response to job offer for a retail sales clerk [4]

I think you spend too much time on what you need from them and not enough time saying why they should want to hire you. Why should they make you -- of all other applicants -- a job offer? What do you have to offer that is not available to them locally? Answer those questions, and you will be more likely to succeed.

Undergraduate / The importance of Register in Marketing professions [7]

I'm sorry, but that cannot possibly be the correct question. It does not make sense. Again, check with a classmate or your professor.,

Writing Feedback / The Advantages of Capital Punishment-- very short essay -- [6]

Again, I suggest that you begin again. Start with a clear statement of your thesis. Do not write strings of clauses connected by commas. Look at the two sentences I selected. I have already told you how to fix the first one. Make that correction. For the second sentence, I cannot make corrections, because your meaning is unclear to me. I do know that it should be broken into several short sentences. Do that, and post the result here. Once we have gotten your introduction straightened out, we can think about the rest of the essay.

Scholarship / I have studied intensively, especially maths and physics for the past twelve years - scholarship [38]

First, lead with your strengths rather than with your weakness.

Next, go through and do whatever you can to fix up the grammar. Let me suggest one issue on which to work, and perhaps other forum members can suggest specific corrections. I notice that your verbs go back and forth between present tense and past tense almost at random. Look at each sentence in turn, asking yourself whether you are talking about the past (what you did before), the present (who you are now, what is true now), or the future (what you hope will happen). Then make sure you have chosen the appropriate verb form.

Essays / How can i outline the the main features of my topic without listing them? [3]

Yes, let us see your introduction, including a list of arguments, and then we can let you know if there is a more creative way to introduce them. You do want to do the list in sentence form, rather than by using bullet points, but otherwise listing is fine.

Graduate / Post-graduation Statement of Purpose [22]


To improve your grammar, get into the habit of always writing in full words and sentences, rather than using text messaging abbreviations such as "wud" and "gr8."

Book Reports / "The Catcher in the Rye" and "Igby Goes Down" essay [3]


It's always a good idea to work from your teacher's instructions, as s/he has an idea of how it will be best for you to approach the work and, if you can show that you followed the recommended approach, that will help you if there is any question about grading.

So, for each text, ask yourself how values and attitudes of non-conformity are explored. For each text in turn, think about content -- the plot of the work. Then think about the author's purpose. Then think about the writing techniques used by the author. Jot down your any ideas that arise during these reflections, and you will find your thesis in your notes.

Writing Feedback / Cultural psychology short paper [9]

I'd go even further than Sean suggested, and skip the introduction to Lenore altogether. I'd start with a vivid description of the meal and then backtrack to provide the background information about immigration from Israel, etc.

Graduate / Post-graduation Statement of Purpose [22]


You're not the only one! That's why I always encourage students to use text messaging abbreviations only when actually texting.