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Posts by MarianaS
Name: Mariana Semehen
Joined: Sep 2, 2014
Last Post: Dec 8, 2014
Threads: 5
Posts: 14  
Likes: 8
From: Ukraine

Displayed posts: 19
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MarianaS   
Dec 8, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Topic : Competition among friends can destroy a friendship. [4]

turn into enemy fromto each other because one might betray

My view, however, is that competition among friends can enhance a friendship rather than destroying the relationship. This is largely because the competition is able to improve the quality of their lives. Moreover, they are able to share their thoughts and give advises from each other.

In my opinion, you should not explain your arguments (even in brief) in the first paragraph of your essay as this one is only an introduction. Instead, you may end the passage with the phrase like "because of the following reasons" or " I will endeavor to explain my stance in detail further".

In addition, people can not only give advises from each other, but also cooperate together for the same purpose they have.

This sentence should be revised in order to make your opinion more precise.

In the whole, your essay is very well organized and informative. Indeed, good work!
MarianaS   
Dec 8, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Films are so popular today mainly due to the benefits they bring to human beings [2]

Movies are popular all over the world. Explain why movies are so popular. Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

Is there any film that makes you to recall the sweetest childhood memories, feel yourself happy or, on the contrary, upset and empathetic? Surprisingly, movies have already been popular among various groups of society long before television was invented. This is, in part, due to continuous increase in quantity of cinemas. Nowadays movies still play an important role in the massive culture because of the following reasons.

First of all, movies have positive medical effect on the psychological condition of a human. According to majority of experts in the realm of psychology, watching films facilitates recovery of the so-called inner energy resources. In fact, this treatment effect of movies is similar to talking to psychologist, although in this case you even do not have to leave your favorite sofa. Once, when I was angry with my friends, watching the well-known action movie has helped me to release my negative emotions and restore inner balance.

Moreover, films are popular because of important social function that they carry out - making and maintaining connections between people. Watching a movie, whether it is comedy, western or drama, in a warm family circle or side by side with your devoted friends is always associated with joy and pleasure. Therefore, I try to organize such meetings as frequent as it is possible in the modern busy world. Undoubtedly, sharing the same emotions of grief because of poor fate of the main character is what makes me and my family and friends closer and helps us understand each other significantly better.

In a nutshell, films are so popular today mainly due to the benefits they bring to human beings. In most cases, we are deprived of opportunity to visit a doctor or expensive entertainment centres in order to release stress, relax, and keep warm relations with our friends. In such cases a movie is what comes to our rescue.

Mariana Semehen ©

Thank you all:)
MarianaS   
Dec 8, 2014
Writing Feedback / Social involvement is a good way for students to develop their skills, necessary in further life [3]

Try to avoid describing two separate ideas within one passage. For instance, in this paragraph you are writing about why social activity facilitates enhancement of social responsibility. But in the end of this paragraph there is absolutely new idea concerning influence of social work on development of a sense of community.

In a whole, I think, your arguments are convincing. Good luck!
MarianaS   
Dec 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Ability to read and write - today, those basic skills make society more comfort for living. [4]

Therefore, from my point of view, nowadays, eagernessability to read and write perfectly is more important than it was any time before.

First of all, ability to read and write indicates person's intellectual level. If one is able to read and analyze stories from newspapers and magazines, he or she stimulates his or her personal development. Today, when the whole world immersed in the information revolution, data is everywhere. Without reading and learning, it is difficult to discover daily news, orientate in the environment or even find highly paid job. As follows, ability to read and write is an integral feature of a successful person.

I am not sure that the last sentence of this body paragraph correlates well with its topic sentence. Try to illustrate the idea about dependance of a person's intellectual level by more relevant example or rephrase the first sentence of this passage.

Secondly, in the past, tyrannical governments were not likely to facilitate human literacy because it would cause raise in human consciousness.

Try to write this statement in more "general way". In my opinion, this one is more suitable for illustration of what was said before.
MarianaS   
Dec 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Should land be developed or left in natural condition? [3]

In your country, is there more need for land to be left in its natural condition or is there more need for land to be developed for housing and industry? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer

land development - the ukrainian example



Development of civilization leads to diversification of purposes for which ground can be exploited. Nowadays, land is not only seen as part of natural ecosystem, but also as a territory for industrial and dwelling buildings. Doubtless, intensive use of land for building purposes forces us to raise issues of balance of human interests and other living forms' needs. In my country there is a prevailing need in use of land as natural resource, rather than territory for housing and industrial activity. I will endeavor to explain the stance of my country in detail further.

First of all, historical factor is one of the reasons that explain why my country prefers disposal of soil as natural resource. The cult of land has always been a part of national culture in my country. It has always been treated as the treasure that we inherited from our ancestors. Therefore, my country's legislation imposes strict restrictions on use of land for purposes not linked with preservation of nature. For instance, size of land that can be granted by the local government for a private person for housing is considerably less that one that is given for agriculture.

In addition to that, high fertility of the Ukrainian soil is another important argument for preserving it in natural condition. The unique mineral composition makes possible efficient plants growing even without application of techniques or harmful chemical substances that usually aimed at increasing land fertility. As an illustration I would like to admit that my country is one of the largest world producers of organic food exporting more than a million tons of agricultural products per year.

To sum up, choice of any modern state concerning land use depends on a range of factors including, but not restricted to, historical traditions and quality of soil. Taking these indicators into account, my country's government has decided to facilitate preserving land in its natural state primarily through the relevant legal restrictions.

Mariana Semehen ©

P.S. Dear friends, I will be grateful for your comments)
MarianaS   
Sep 12, 2014
Writing Feedback / People go to college because they need to learn more things about the world - TOEFL [4]

As a newcomer too, I understand your excitement but here we help each other. Therefore, gentleness is our key principle here:)

In general, use more general approach while explaining the argument. Of course, you can give some personal examples to strenghten it but only in the end of each passage. In other words, follow the structure outlined below to ensure cohesion of your essay:

1.argument
2.explanation of the argument
3.personal example


Besides, use transitional words, such us firsly, second in order to emphasize the structure of your essay and highlight separate reasons.

Good luck!
MarianaS   
Sep 12, 2014
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Parents are our teachers from the very early time in our life. [6]

Lian, I have the same problems with my essay writting as you do. Sometimes I even realize that I do know, let say, some words from "academic" vocabulary that is especially valuable in TOEFL. However, I mere do not use them in my writing! Indeed, I do not know how to make my vocabulary "applicable". Therefore, it is too poor((. I believe that expertise comes with practice.

To conclude, I strongly believe that parents are our best teachers.

Apart from general conclusion, write in briefly the main arguments that you pointed out in your essay
MarianaS   
Sep 12, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Making relationship with pet means readiness to bear huge responsibility [3]

Louisa, I am very grateful for your support! Frankly, it takes me more time to write an essay than it is allowed on TOEFL. However, I hope, this problem is temporal, and after 185 essays written by me and revised on EssayForum my writing skills will be almost perfect:)
MarianaS   
Sep 12, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay: How does advertising influence people's behaviour? [5]

Well, it is truly difficult to add something after Louisa has revised your essay:) However, I'll try :) In particular, let me give some grammar tips.

And the final, most scary stage

But we usually swallow the bait and buy

Try to avoid using AND, BUT at the beginning of a sentence.

In my opinion, advertising influence people's behaviour negatively because it almost deprives us of free and conscious will while choosing what to spend money on.

It seems to me, there is no need to disclose the reason of your choice in the introduction. Stating your position is enough.
MarianaS   
Sep 11, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Making relationship with pet means readiness to bear huge responsibility [3]

Many people have a close relationship with their pets. These people treat their birds, cats, or other animals as members of their family. In your opinion, is such relationship good? Why or why not? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Being a pet owner is not mere a tribute to family traditions or satisfaction of children's whims. Making relationship with pet means readiness to bear huge responsibility for its health, entertainment, as well as happiness. Therefore, such a responsibility differs little from a mother's care for a child. However, owning a pet eventually leads to lots of personal benefits. As far as I am concerned, attachment to any domestic animal is good due to a number of reasons.

First of all, owning a pet is beneficial for one's health. Indisputably, a domestic animal needs to be walked outdoors every day. Therefore, following your pet's habit on regular bases definitely keeps you in good shape and actually promotes good health. In addition, experts point out that maintaining close relationship with a pet lowers bloody pressure and lessens anxiety. In order to prove whether or not this statement is true, my grandmother has been taken care for the abandoned cat. Now she forgot about heavy vascular sickness from which she has suffered for many years.

Furthermore, people who have close relation with their domestic animals, are less likely to loss their property because of various reasons. Needless to say, dogs always alert when a thief sneaks into the owner's house. Moreover, researchers suggest that pets are able to anticipate natural disasters or fire. It is the easiest to illustrate this point with the real life example. Once, my dog's barking prevented destruction of my neighbor's house by fire.

In a nutshell, close relations with domestic animals provide one with a lot of benefits, including but not limited to better health and protection of personal property. Consequently, I believe that close relationship with pets, or treating them as family members is definitely useful.

Thank you all in advance!
MarianaS   
Sep 11, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Public health. Should government introduce a law or is it a personal issue? [5]

It would be helpful to know exactly what the topic of your essay is. The problem is, according to title of the thread the subject of the essay is public health, that certainly includes but cannot be limited to healthy food. However, issue of healty food is the only one the essay covers.

but governmentshould provide them with guidance on that can help them know how to choose healthy food and keep fit as well .

MarianaS   
Sep 11, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: In modern world, everyone should learn to be polite to others under any circumstance [4]

Your revised version is much better than the previous one. However, i would like to offer some impovements. I hope my help will be useful

First of all, try to think about more reasons in support of your point of view. Although you have written two passages (body of the essay), the cohesion is nice (you have used trasitional words to begin with, furthermore) one reason is not enough. In case, when it is too difficult to come up with one more argument, in order to strenghten your position you may follow "one reason for-one reason against" pattern.

The conclusion cannot contain new ideas. It should be the restatement of what you said above. To be more precise, the conclusion is a short review of your argumentation.

Good luck!
MarianaS   
Sep 11, 2014
Writing Feedback / Fashion is becoming more and more important in choosing cloths [4]

Frankly, I am not familiar with IELTS requirements, but it seems to me that your essay is too short.

It seems that every body every reasonable person/everyone concerns about keeping up with the latest fashion, knowing the tendency, this industry is growing at a staggering rate. Whether it has advantages or not has triggered spirited debate.

even if fashion has lots of outstanding effects in our lives, but is side effects cannot be underestimated.

although following fashion is beneficial, there are also a lot of side effects of such a behavior that should not be underestimated.

Good luck!
MarianaS   
Sep 4, 2014
Writing Feedback / Opportunities to learn more about various aspects of life encourage people to watch movies [3]

Films can tell us a lot about the country where they were made. What have you learned about a country from watching its movies? Use specific examples and details to support your response.

Nowadays we are able to get information about a country we have never been in from a lot of various sources. One must admit that the most popular source of this kind of information is a movie. Unlike books, films allow us to get visual and, therefore, more realistic picture of a non-native country. Here are few issues you can get to know about by merely watching films created by another country.

First of all, some aspects of national legal system is although unusual but still area you may get to know better about from movies. Doubtless, legal issues are not covered in details in any movie. Nevertheless watching a film is additional to study opportunity to gain some practical legal experience that one lacks even after graduating from law school. For instance, movie "Erin Brocovich", a story based on real facts, discloses some particularities of searching for evidence within US legal system. This knowledge would be helpful predominantly for those who intend to work as a lawyer in the United States of America.

Another good thing about watching movies is opportunity to find out some national traditions through a plot of a film. Once, in childhood, I learned a lot about celebrating of Thanksgiving Day in USA. That knowledge came into my rescue when I had to prepare the presentation about national holidays in the USA for my English lesson. Moreover, as pictures are easier to memorize than textual materials, it was not a complicated task to recollect and present relevant information.

Therefore, I have avoided long and boring searches in the school library.
In a nutshell, opportunities to learn more about various aspects of life in other countries, from legal system to national holidays, encourage people to watch movies. Thus, a film is not only entertainment but also an important source of self-education.
MarianaS   
Sep 3, 2014
Writing Feedback / Awareness among people about a healthier lifestyle leads to the need to look for a specific food [2]

I like that you use transitional words such as "in addition", "in conclusion" to emphasize the structure of your essay. However, I would like to introduce some improvements.

First of all, let me fix some punctuation mistakes in your essay.

Second, you should rephrase the second passage, as it begins with the sentence that repeats the title of the essay. In the whole, the second passage must say more about the reasons for your choice but not the general idea. There is no place for this in the main body of your essay. I hope, you understand what I mean. Besides, "in general" should be replaced be "first of all" or something similar to this.
MarianaS   
Sep 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children. [9]

Here are some pieces of advice. I hope, they will be helpful )

There are variety different perspectives on the question of whether or not the appearance of celebrities on mass media is having adverse influence on children. While some people still hold a conservative view that media coverage of celebrities can effect children's behaviors and development in a negative way. It is my personal belief that the biographies and achievements of famous people can benefit children in many ways.

Do not use while at the beginning of the sentence. Instead, you should insert meanwhile. Here is perfect video lesson on this grammar topic (Google search by key words engvid meanwhile and while).

Furthermore, a large of number celebrities came from poor families, and had to face many hardships and overcome many obstacles on their way to fame.

Good luck!
MarianaS   
Sep 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Type of temper and advantages of individual work as best arguments in favor of studying alone [8]

Some students prefer to study alone. Others prefer to study with a group of students. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Study achievements depend on a range of various factors, one of which is pattern of work you tend to choose while studying. In particular, we may prefer to work either within a team of other students or alone. As for me, I favor the latter because of the following reasons.

To begin with, type of temper is one of the reasons that make me to choose individual work instead of team one. Being by nature introvert, I have to spend much time and efforts on adjusting to surroundings and especially new people. Once, when I was working on presentation with strangers, I sat aside and so prepared more than half of work myself instead of making attempts to get acquainted with unknown people. Therefore, my productivity boosts when style of work is appropriate with my type of temper.

Furthermore/moreover, working alone allows me to avoid spending time and efforts on many things that are an integral part of teamwork. In other words, I must not divide tasks and duties between team members, share responsibility and benefits, and spend time on teambuilding. These advantages are especially important in situations of shortage of time. About a year ago I was lucky to become a participant of student brainstorming game. To my rivals' surprise, being the only member of my own "team" I gained a victory.

In conclusion, from my point of view, type of temper and advantages of individual work are the most persuasive arguments in favor of studying alone.

P.S. Thank you all in advance :)

Respectfully,

Mariana
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