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Posts by restinpizza [Suspended]
Joined: Sep 29, 2014
Last Post: Oct 31, 2014
Threads: 7
Posts: 15  
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From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 22
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restinpizza   
Oct 31, 2014
Undergraduate / A truly effective leader must be visionary - North Carolina State [4]

I think you should delete the third sentence. Seems irrelevant. Also consider adding more. The limit is 500 words which means to get it near 500 words. Looks about 250 right now. You also might want to explain a little more how you were visionary
restinpizza   
Oct 29, 2014
Undergraduate / "Tell me what happened" - VCU Struggle Essay [5]

Revised copy: PLEASE HELP WITH EDITING:

It was about 10 pm at night and I got a call from my best friend, which usually doesn't happen. Our cellular conversations don't tend to go beyond text messages. As I quickly pressed the phone against my cheek, all I could hear were faint whimpers coming from the other end. "Taylor," I repeated her name multiple times to hopefully get her to calm down. "Tell me what happened," This later proved to be heartbreaking news. My best friend, since the third grade, had been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. My heart ached for her and the thought of losing my best friend sent my emotions into perils of desperation. At first, I didn't know how to respond. I felt immediately affected by it and couldn't imagine what a life without my best friend would be like. I thought briefly about ending our friendship, because going through that pain would have been too hard, watching her physical state deteriorate. Our friendship was pushed to its limits more than ever before but my heart was telling me to remain supportive through this hard time. We remain extremely close and some of her symptoms are alleviating, something that I am extremely grateful for every day. Through this experience, I have become a stronger person and learned that it is important to be stay by the side of the people you love. Life could end at any moment, and it's important to cherish the moments you have now.
restinpizza   
Oct 28, 2014
Undergraduate / 'there is so much I aim to accomplish' - How do you plan to succeed at VCU? [2]

Prompt: As you start your college career, what is your primary goal as a student and how have you prepared to meet this goal, how do you plan to succeed, how do you feel you will do at VCU?

As I start my college career, there is so much I aim to accomplish. I aim to discover myself, on an entirely evolved personal level and learn new things about the world. There is so much about the world that I don't know yet, and so much that I can learn from the people around me. I live by the philosophy that every person you will ever meet knows something that you don't know and I hope that college will be a gateway for me to discover that knowledge that exists within the humans that inhabit the Earth.

I also aim to become involved in the diverse community of students that VCU has to offer. VCU has 100 countries represented in its student body. I look forward to immersing myself in all of those different cultures and being able to learn through people.

As a prospective history major, I also look forward to the large range of history courses offered at VCU. Since high school has been my only exposure to history courses at this point in time, the plethora of history courses, such as the Zenith of European Power and the Origins of Modernism, that VCU offers excites me greatly and only incites eager anticipation as I prepare myself to learn as much as I can during my time at VCU.
restinpizza   
Oct 28, 2014
Undergraduate / We are not so powerless as it seems - Bentley [11]

I feel like you should a little more personality to the essay. Right now, it feels like anyone could have written it and that you didn't foster a personal connection to the kids, which is something admissions is looking for
restinpizza   
Oct 28, 2014
Undergraduate / "Tell me what happened" - VCU Struggle Essay [5]

Prompt: Describe a challenging situation you've faced. Briefly state the situation, how you responded and why, would you have done anything differently, has it affected or shaped who you are today?

It was about 10 pm at night and I got a call from my best friend, which usually doesn't happen. Our cellular conversations don't tend to go beyond text messages. As I quickly pressed the phone against my cheek, all I could hear were faint whimpers coming from the other end. "Taylor," I repeated her name multiple times to hopefully get her to calm down. "Tell me what happened," I pleaded to know what was happening and how my life and hers would inevitably change after I was able to understand what later proved to be heartbreaking news.

[...]
restinpizza   
Oct 28, 2014
Undergraduate / UVA-Work of literature that has inspired me-Fast Food Nation [3]

I like it! However, I think you should go deeper into the analysis at the end about education, because that's obviously what you're passionate about and what admissions would be most interested in hearing your take on
restinpizza   
Oct 27, 2014
Undergraduate / Film photography feels like my own; it gives me ability to explore unknown things, even the dead now [3]

Prompt: What is something you have taught yourself in the last year? How did you teach yourself this new skill or concept and what was the result?

There was a struggle that existed between the moment the button was pressed and when you finally saw your prints days or weeks after. Within this last year, I taught myself how to take pictures with a film camera. I'm always trying to find ways to connect myself to the past, which explains why I have found such a feeling of home in both my typewriter and record player. I had been an avid photographer for quite some time, and even had a position as the Photography Editor for the Yearbook staff. I enjoyed all of it, but something felt like it was missing. I didn't feel as if I could express my creativity to the fullest extent, and that's where learning film photography came in. For those who don't know, film photography is completely different from traditional digital photography. You have a roll of film with about 24 exposures and with each exposure, you manually focus and wind back your reel by pulling a lever. There is a greater feeling of sentimentality when photography is approached this way.

I struggled greatly at first with the mechanics of film photography at first, trying to figure out how the camera worked. I thought I knew everything about photography. This obviously proved me wrong and tested my limits. The film had to be tightly wound within the camera, so that when the shutter would click, the dial would make a full rotation, pulling more and more film out of the roll. My mom laughed at me for a while, because I went through about five rolls (that all ended up being blank) until I finally got the hang of it. It was really frustrating at first, because I wanted nothing more than for it to work. I never gave up though, and I am so grateful that I didn't. And I have beautiful film photography to show for it, despite the frustration that serves as a reminder that I shouldn't give up at anything and that nothing is impossible if you keep working at it.

Film photography allowed me to take a more artistic approach to my photography in yearbook, which I personally believe is the reason our book received such high praise from students as well as critics. Our book the year before was even considered one of the top thirteen yearbooks in the country, an honor that had never been bestowed on our school before. But, with the incorporation of my film photography, it reached a level beyond what it had reached the previous year. All types of people felt the ability to be connected to it.

Film photography felt like my own thing and it gives me solace knowing I have my own little thing that can take me away from reality sometimes. At the same time, people seem to appreciate it as a talent and it gives me the ability to connect with people, just as history gives me the ability to. The dead know things that we haven't found out yet, and film photography gives me the ability to explore those unknown things in the same way, just on a different level.
restinpizza   
Oct 27, 2014
Undergraduate / my burning passion to learn - Primary Goal for as a student Essay for VCU [2]

I suggest you take a more personal route with this essay. The way you wrote it just seems very boring and factual, like you're writing about someone else and not about yourself. Also, the way you talk about honors courses makes it sound like anyone could have wrote it.
restinpizza   
Oct 27, 2014
Undergraduate / MIT Essay - Three Notebooks - modes buttons [3]

Your essay seems very fragmented and it doesn't really appeal to me as a reader. I know it's only 250 words, but perhaps you could go into more detail about just one of your "modes" or at least make the sentences less fragmented. It makes you seem not very proud of these accomplishments actually
restinpizza   
Oct 26, 2014
Undergraduate / The moment I watched Professor Max Paul Friedman's Convocation Speech [2]

The moment I watched Professor Max Paul Friedman's Convocation Speech on YouTube it all seemed to change for me. He seemed to be saying exactly what was inside of me but hadn't yet known how to verbalize. He knew exactly how to change the world, but most importantly, why it needed changing. After those ten minutes of a pivotal self-discovery, I knew what college was right for me. Friedman is a professor of history at American, which only excited me more than I previously was, because my intentions are to eventually teach history at the collegiate level. American University is equipped with the greatest historical minds of this generation, such as Max Paul Friedman, Allan Lichtman, and Eric Lohr. At American University, I have the opportunity gain knowledge from these established professors that I can hopefully pass on to my students in the future. With so much flexibility within American University, I have the opportunity to double major in History and Arab World Studies: two areas that will help me further my goal of eventually becoming a history professor.

But, most of all, I want to attend American University because of the community of activists that exist on its campus. Washington DC is the capitol of a world superpower and American University exists within the hub of that capitol. With a plethora of student organizations such as Amnesty International, the opportunities for involvement and change are endless. The students and alumni are the future leaders of our generation and full of the passion that changes the world. I have that same passion within me and want to change the world for the better, just as Professor Max Paul Friedman wants American University students to change the world. I want to join this community of learners and world-changers.
restinpizza   
Oct 26, 2014
Undergraduate / 'I left my junior year confused, slightly out of touch with reality' - Mary Washington essay [4]

Revised Mary Washington Essay?

Prompt: Please share a pivotal moment in your educational career when you have taken initiative of your own learning, and what you gained from that experience

After my junior year, I attended the Georgetown Medical Institute in Washington, DC. At the time, I was extremely set on a career in the medical profession. I was prepared to learn as much as I could. This week inevitably changed my life and perspective, and was pivotal in getting me to the point I am now.

I was sitting in the middle of dark lecture hall. It felt desolate, despite being surrounded by about a hundred others. Whispers were echoing from every corner of that dark room. The lecture was about to start, and a radiologist named Dr. Aykut Uren was coming to speak to us. Suddenly, the stage lights flashed on and an older man was sitting on a chair with an iPad in the middle of the stage. The entire room went silent. His voice and presence commanded attention and respect immediately. Those same people who were so distracted earlier were completely fixated on Dr. Uren. This was when I realized that I wanted to teach. I saw what he was able to command from people, not out of force, but out of a curiosity from the audience and knowledge he possessed. They connected through this shared desire for that knowledge. I wanted to be able to do that in the same way and pass on what I have learned to others, but also learn from others. I discovered, through that experience, that teaching can be one of the greatest gifts you can give someone.
restinpizza   
Oct 26, 2014
Undergraduate / UVA quirks essay: my bed [3]

Hi! Personally, I feel like you could have picked a better topic for this because writing an admission essay about how you sleep doesn't really add anything to your application. Also, I feel like if you did proceed with this topic, you didn't really explain why this quirk of yours is important to you, like it was mentioned in the prompt.

Good Luck!
restinpizza   
Oct 22, 2014
Undergraduate / 'I left my junior year confused, slightly out of touch with reality' - Mary Washington essay [4]

Prompt: Please share a pivotal moment in your educational career when you have taken initiative of your own learning, and what you gained from that experience.

I left my junior year confused, slightly out of touch with reality, along with no clear concise idea of how I wanted to move forward with my life. Due to this confusion, I made the decision to attend the Georgetown Medical Institute, which is an eight day institute that aimed to teach high school students about the medical field. Being offered the capability to learn and have exposure to something like this was really important for moving forward from my state of confusion.

[...]
restinpizza   
Oct 21, 2014
Grammar, Usage / Oil has decayed in tank. [4]

Hi! It's awesome you're learning English! I would change it to: "The machine has not been running the last few months, so it's possible that the oil in the tank has decayed. We should empty the tank as soon as possible"

Glad I could help! Good luck!
restinpizza   
Oct 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / "The biggest risk is not taking any risk." - TOEFL [3]

There are some grammatical errors but that is easy to fix! Do not worry about those. However, in the last paragraph, I recommend you do not transition using "to conclude." Just simply start your sentence. Also, the first sentence of your second paragraph is confusing. Maybe you meant to say something besides "indispensable." You should probably change that. Other than that, I like it! Good Luck!
restinpizza   
Sep 30, 2014
Writing Feedback / Discuss your academic goals and how American University would help you achieve them?? [3]

I have always been extremely passionate about history: a concept shaped by discovery and connection. It is what drives my passion for life and exploration further. American University gives me the opportunity to explore history of almost every facet of human existence-with programs from Arab World Studies to Jewish Studies to French Studies to European Studies. The facets of knowledge that would become available to me at American University are extensive and the possibility of that makes me very excited for a future with American University alongside me.

Another exciting facet of attending American University is the community of people it has and attracts. American University is known as one of the most diverse campuses in the country and is located in the center hub of an international powerhouse. The sharing and listening of opinions is highly encouraged: an environment I admire and greatly want to be a part of. The community is diverse, not only on the outside but on the inside. I want to open myself up to these different opinions and cultures. Having the opportunity to indulge myself in different cultures allows me to have a better understanding and a more passionate empathy for the world, and therefore lets me connect myself in a deeper and more profound way than I could have previously imagined. As a high school student, there is so much left in the world that I want to experience. Learning foreign countries and their traditions is completely different than immersing yourself within those different cultures and American University gives me the opportunity to do that.
restinpizza   
Sep 30, 2014
Undergraduate / New Orleans crossed through my mind - Why Tulane Essay [7]

I first learned about the distinct and unique city of New Orleans in AP US History (.)andI was immediately fascinated with its cultural, historical and educational aspects. This sentence is a run on. I would separate it.

You say you were fascinated by the cultural, historical, and educational aspects, yet you don't mention them again in the paper. Maybe go into specifics about this?
restinpizza   
Sep 29, 2014
Undergraduate / "Cut us all in half, we're all the same" - the exhibition; this work of art struck me like an arrow [2]

"Cut us all in half, we're all the same" is the quote that goes along with the exhibition by Damien Hirst called Mother and Child Divided. The exhibit depicts a cow and calf cut down the middle and preserved in four individual formaldehyde tanks. The cow is completely visible, inside and out. This piece really captured me in a way that's hard to describe. Both life and death were present simultaneously and experience created within my mind was euphoric. Every moment between the beginning and the end seemed to present in that one moment and the physicality of our existence struck me like an arrow. At times where emotions seem to cloud our judgment and the relationships we form seem to be our reason for living, this exhibition reminded me that I am simply a physical being. Emotions and the mind govern so much of actions through day to day life, but we rarely shrink ourselves down to the physical nature of our existence. I saw myself in this cow, oddly enough, and in a separate reality, it could very well be me in that tank, shrunken down to my mere physicality as if nothing mattered. Everything within the tank was frozen and completely still, while life continues to carry on around it. This work of art even unsettles my core to this day, because it continuously challenges my reason for ambition and simplifies life in a demonic way, focusing on death. The question I aim to answer is: are we really all the same and where do the differences lie?
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