Undergraduate / The world I come from : small city / digital world (Two ideas - choice) - MIT [6]

Let me give you my personal view about your first idea. It is more of ''personal statement'' to description of the world you're from.

Idea two is the perfect answer to your prompt.

And finally you need to brush all your ideas about the second answer to the prompt together as Massachusetts Institution of technology is a top school and competitive.

I hope I help, regarding you choosing the right answer to the prompt. ;)

Undergraduate / The world I come from : small city / digital world (Two ideas - choice) - MIT [6]

Melramadhani, you can use my modification or use it as a template to review your essay.

I live in Madiun a city in the western part of the
province of East Java in Indonesia, an agricultural centre. With an estimated population of 300,000 people and low statistic number of people attending high
school as majority of populace focus on agriculture. I remember Having a coach for my debate team wasn't easy, as none of my english teachers have in-dept capability in debate. Even the teachers in my school couldn't trainer students for informatics olympiad and the school had limited resources to hire a professional outside the community for the training. My community members and myself, have limited resources and

reference except the internet. Filling the SAT and ACT registration forms, I couldn't find the name of any school in my city
because nobody from my city has
taken them before. I have to train
my teachers about the online
application system, as none of
them have done that before.

The taught of my community has been my driving force to apply to America college to purse my dream and gather the competency in my field of study, but I

still wish that I lived in bigger city
with bigger opportunities.
The feeling struck me most when
I'm applying to American colleges to pursuing my dream . So far, being under small resources
indeed reduces my chance.
But being under small resources
drive me to be the best in my field, giving me the opportunity to bring my desired changes to my underprivileged community. I don't want my sisters,

my future children, and my future
member of my community feel the same dilemma in the pursuit of their dreams.

I hope I help ;)

Writing Feedback / I was like every child in my community [16]

Vangiespen, thanks for your feedback, I have written another one for the prompt two. I hope it answers all the questions in the prompt. -Challenges? - Improve lives? -My Reaction to the challenge? - what I learnt from the experience? (I'm having problem to figure out what I leant from this volunteer. Can you help with a clue?) . I used 100 words, what do you suggest I delete so that I can add what I learnt?

I have always believe if everyone can play his or her role, human community will be a better place to live. I remember when the road that serves as the usual routine for my community get flood with lots of pot holes. Realising the difficulties my family goes through to make end meet, organising a fund raising team was impossible but I had to organise a small group of my age mates to volunteer in parking sand and stone from a dump so that we can fill the loops. The filling goes a long way before the local-government chairman intervention.

Scholarship / This village had only one primary school - my experience [3]

Sanda, your essay is too long. Yes, I mean too long but well detailed.

I was born and grew up in
Riangaketh village, Aweil East
County in South Sudan where
community is in desperate need of
education. This village had only one
primary school since I was not
born up to 2008before I was born till 2008.whichThe school
accommodates a total number of
1800 pupils and above. Due to
overpopulation in this school, I and
three other friends of mine (Gabriel
Malong, Malong Mawien and Abuor
Gordon Nhial), came up with the
decision of forming a community
based organization to promote
education in the rural areas.
We called a meeting in Riangaketh
town to discuss this issue of
overpopulation in the school and
to pave athe way out,ofon how we couldcan
address this issue. Luckily,
community turned up in a large
number to attend the meeting
which we set to take place on 13
January 2008. In our meeting we
discussed about making
contribution to form a community
based organization which will deal
with the provision of scholastic
materials and opening up new
primary schools within the area to
reduce overpopulation in
Riangaketh Primary School. Some
elders supported our idea while
others were complaining that it
might be a scamming trick to take
advantage of what the community will
contribute.
Despite mistrust from some of
community members, ex-chief gave
our decision go-ahead to walk in
all households collecting whatever
a person can afford to contribute.
With no surprise we were able to
collect 100 cows and 250 goats Sounds like exaggeration. Why multiple of 10s? .
Though some people were
doubtful that we will use these
contributions for our personal
benefits, they contributed
generously towards our proposed
project. We were able to raised
65200 Sudanese Pounds
equivalent of 13800 US Dollars
after selling both cows and goats.
We then called a meeting again to
alert the community about what
we collected. As we told them that
we had collected 100 cows and
250 goats which we sold at 65200
Sudanese Pounds, everyone was
smiling saying that we have done
our part let's see those
contributions die in your pockets.
We could not mind of all these
insults but we need to prove them
wrong by implementing the project
successfully. We therefore decided
to form an organization that would
be linked with Catholic Church so
that they could help us in times of
hardship. As I had learned the
Spanish word "Cabra" which
means goat in English from Father
Diego, a priest from Spain, we
therefore named the organization
as Cabra Academic Missions
because there were so many goats
compare to cows.
After forming this community
based organization, we opened up
two more primary schools within
Riangaeth village which we named
Our Lady Help of Christian Primary
School and Tiitchok Mareng
Primary School respectively.
However, we did not acquire
registration certificate immediately
after the formation mainly because
we had no enough money to run
both the schools as well as
registering our organization with
the ministry of Legal Affairs of the
government of Southern Sudan, so
we had to wait until things get
better to apply for registration and
that would be after South Sudan
seceded from the Sudan.
I later on introduced our
organization to Deng Chuor, a
Sudanese born Australian citizen in
2011 who lives in Australia.
Immediately he received my
message, Deng did not hesitate to
reply saying that he will fund the
registration process of our
organization to promote education
in South Sudan. I was by then
studying in Uganda. Deng told me
to wait for him in Uganda then we
will be travelling to South Sudan
together in December 2011. He
came exactly in December and we
travelled to South Sudan. Within
December we applied for
registration certificate at the
ministry of legal affairs. Our
registration certificate was out in
March 2012 which made our
organization to be legal in South
Sudan. Currently Cabra organizes
fundraisers in South Sudan and
Australia to support the project
without obstruction because we
are legal organization. Within 2012
we signed a Memorandum of
Understanding with the Salesian
Mission in Australia so that our
donations would go directly to
their oversea funds section. Cabra
Academic Missions now supports
six primary schools in three
counties of Northern Bahr el Ghazal
State-Aweil with over 2700 pupils.
In conclusion, helping people gives
you hope for everything in life and
that was how we struggled to
establish Cabra Academic Missions
in South Sudan. This is how I have
contributed to promote education
in my community but I am still
eager to do more if God blesses me
to get better education.

Writing Feedback / I was like every child in my community [16]

Vangiespen, thanks for the good feedback. ;)

Undergraduate / ''work is an anti node for poverty'' - My mother a supportive figure [9]

Hello vangiespen, I just found out that this essay is over 400 words, 435words to be precise. I remodify one part and I intend deleting some parts. What are your suggestions? The modify part is in Blue font. The parts I intend deleting is in Red font. Thanks

If a father lost his job in financial strapped world, it always results to end of the marriage and ruin a family's unit that a child needs. ---> My father lost his job, that is a fact that most families deal with in today's financially strapped world. For most families, this would mean the end of the marriage of the parents and ruin of the family unit that a child badly needs in his life. When my father lost his job, my family stayed strong and united. All because of the one figure in the family who served as our guiding light and source of strength, my father's wife, our mother.

She was not a strong built woman. Most people would say that she barely had the strength to swat a fly away, sure most members of our community saw her as weak, but she proved them all wrong, when her family needed her the most, she found her inner strength to charge head long into the world of blue collar employment. Waking as early as 4 AM in order to pluck mangoes from the tree in front of our rented apartment. She would sell those on the street until she had nothing left to sell. Then she returns to the house to rest her wary body before cleaning up and venturing out again. This time to work as a help in the homes of the well to do families of the community. They paid her daily for work in their home. Everything that she earned, she set aside for the family. She kept nothing for herself because she wanted her children to continue in school, have food on the table and a place to sleep safely at night. Her perseverance paid off eventually, she got a position working as a sales person for a person who has a concession stand at a local school.

Her self sacrifice was not lost on me. I understand that she was doing everything for our family and the least I could do was make sure that she could be proud of me as a child. So, I returned the same support to her as she has given me and I fully intend to keeping doing that for as long as I can. She has inspired me to keep hoping when all seems lost. She has taught me that when my barrel turns out empty in life, I need to find another barrel to dig into until I get what I need or deserve to have in life. She has taught me how hard it is to live this life, but also shown me how much one should desire to live. regardless of the hardship one faces. She is my mother, she is my inspiration.

Writing Feedback / I was like every child in my community [16]

Vangiespen, what is your take on the other two essays above in term of grammar errors or awkward sentences? Thanks

Writing Feedback / I was like every child in my community [16]

Vangiespen, thanks again, what about this version? Okay? 100words in total.

Becoming an engineer has been a lifelong dream of mine, but my family's financial burdens are waning on my dreams. As an aspiring engineer, I hope to put theory into practice by developing novel structures that will improve the standards of living, collaborate with other indigenous engineer to create poverty alleviation schemes, that will create employment opportunities to people and NGOs that will pave the way for my people to have access to quality education. All these will make me stands as the pinnacle of hope for my underprivileged community and upholder of liberty to liberate my people from poverty.

The other one falls at 100words after the correction. Thanks ;)

Undergraduate / ''work is an anti node for poverty'' - My mother a supportive figure [9]

Thanks vangiespen :) . You're always amazing. More strength to the hands you use in typing. ;)

Writing Feedback / I was like every child in my community [16]

Vangiespen, I added it to make it 100words as a filler, thanks for your view. But I used something similar in one scholarship ''personal statement/goals'' that I submitted, that one was 200words. Do stating one financial value in ''scholarship personal statement/goals essays'' gives impression of begging?

Undergraduate / Hi my paper is on Ebola and this is an English class. This is mla format [4]

Fahad, drop your essay, I can't find any attachment or piece. People here are always ready to help.

Undergraduate / My visits to SCU were of no surprise - CommonApp: Santa Clara University Prompt [2]

Having already been interested in the school for a majority of my
youth ---> I have been interested in SCU before my graduation from high schoolmy visits to SCU were of no surprise. ---> and my unofficial visits to SCU was on my cousin's graduation. The party prevented me from walking around the campus to see its beautiful architecture but the little I saw were amazing.The first time was during my cousin's graduation, where which I was initially drawn in by the intricacies of the campus architecture and feel. Because I was there for graduation, I unfortunately was unable to see much of the campus. When senior year came around, ---> Before my graduation from high school, I visited SCU officiallyI paid SCU another visit, this time in the form of ---> as a tour, administered by one of the admissions readers ---> admission officers alongside with a student panel. It was then that I was able to really see the school for what it is and I was convinced that the photos online really do the school no justice. I felt a feeling of at-home-ness and more, something that just can't be actualized by words. ---> The building, environs and the diverse students I saw around the campus makes me felt amazing school spirit.

I hope this draft helps ;)

Research Papers / Why does lying play a huge part in human nature? [4]

Hi bas, check out this line below.

Lying, many people regard it as not telling the truth, but my research shows that lying transcend not telling the truth, it expends to construction of abstract, fabrication of the future and contradiction of the past.

Do you consider this as a good start? You can drop your paper for expert contributors to help you with.

I hope this helps. :)

Writing Feedback / Nowadays people are valued by their social rank or materialistic activity - IELTS essay [4]

Monowara, I believe there are grammar error to be fix but let me help with my general view. According to vangiespen ;) an average paragraph should have aleast 50words. Your introduction and conclusive paragraphs are too short, I feel you should add more words to them, before grammar error checking to avoid further review.

Overall your ideas are good.

Letters / School Counselor Evaluation - CommonApp [2]

Hello khaled, what type of recommendation letter? But below is a short draft of student recommendation letter for your use.

To Whom it May Concern,

I am pleased to recommend khaled, who has been a student of our school for X years under my guidance as a counsellor. Khaled is a student that has passion for education. (add your ability here)

khaled would make a good candidate for admissions and I am sure he will prove his ability to succeed in your institution. I strongly recommend him for admission as I know he will flourish in his intend field of study. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.

Sincerely,
(guidance counsellor's name)
(Position).

Writing Feedback / I was like every child in my community [16]

Hi Vangiespen, according to your earlier suggestion on ''rallying'' I decided to use it for this new developed essay I hope this essay goes along with the prompt. Thanks ;)

New prompt: Most recent, meaning involvement in the community and my role.

Grammar, Usage / Rephrase text about research paper (sentences) [9]

Deltroix, check this out,

I believe my grades and academic achievements were considered in making admission decision of my application into XYZ college of engineering.

I hope this help?

Writing Feedback / I was like every child in my community [16]

Vangiespen, check this modification, my addition is in blue font. Good?

Being from a low income community where the local government lacks necessary funding for basic community projects. One of the main problems in our community was the existence of pot holes on our roads which make the transportation within the community very uncomfortable to people and it also restricts movement of goods in and outside the community. Basically our community people believed that the lack of government funding prevented the pot holes from repairs.

Despite being a low income community, my friends and I tried to find ways to solve our community roads problems . After several suggestions, we decided that rallying the community and appealing to people to raise funds will help us fix the problem . We held fund raisers which generated enough funds to buy sand. We bought sand and we filled the pot holes . In the process help our community in terms of better roads for transportation of people, goods and commodities. By involving in this cause, I came to realisedor realise? that everyone has the special ability to solve his or her problems, without relying on other people for everything or anything in live.

Word count (176/200). Count okay? Or you feel I should explain some part? Thanks again ;)

Scholarship / I wanted to stand as the pinnacle of hope for my underprivilege community, a role model to others [7]

Hi Vangiespen and others, can I use this essay for below prompt? I created thread for this earlier but it was deleted, I guess it was because of this thread (same content). Yes, same content with few addition.

Prompt: Story- write one a topic that describe who you are.

''Education, a tool Africa needs to alter tangible change, economical and technological''- Myself.
I have always believe that Africa needs the service of engineers to alter change technologically, someone that will stand as the pinnacle of hope, role model to others that the battle of minority or low finance cannot limit one's dream and upholder of liberty to liberate the generation from influx poverty. My believe has been the driven force for me to be part of the people that will change my community, Nigeria and Africa as a whole technologically. Over the years, I have realised that there are factors that have contributed to changing my view of life and shaped who I am. Drawing inspiration from these factors; struggles, failure, financial burdens and challenges I'm always motivated that I can achieve my goals through perseverance.

Fourteen years ago, when my lose his job and my mother was unemployed then. Things were so difficult that my mother had to ventured into selling plucked mangoes on the street of Lagos, combing working as a domestic worker in wealthy people's home. My father who doesn't have a degree to search for job, joined a group of market workers just to make ends meet. Then my siblings and I, had no hope of acquiring a formal education so we were homeschooled until we had an opportunity to enroll in a free public school where I completed my elementary and secondary education.

Despite my financial burdens, I took education as my priority as my parent let me believe that I can unlock a better future through education. My commitment to studies led me to discovering my true potential and passionate field of interest to become a certified engineer. During my high school studies, I have led the JET (Junior Engineer and Technician) group to winning various competition and I have also participated in National Olympiad Mathematics competition NMC Abuja, Cowbell Mathematics competition and various inter-schools science competitions. All these extracurricular activities and orientations have pioneered my effort towards becoming a responsible and successful engineer.

Being an engineer, on professional and academic level, I hope to be able to put theory into practice by developing novel structures and equipment that will alleviate poverty in my community, Nigeria and Africa as a whole and improve the standards of living. Becoming an engineer will also fulfill my aspiration and bring about the desire changes I have been craving for, to my community, country and Africa as a whole. Studying at X university will allow me to gain the required competence, develop my intellectual capacities and interpersonal skills in order to satisfy my goals.

Writing Feedback / I was like every child in my community [16]

Vangiespen, you're amazing. Thanks for your help, more data to your devices, in surfing EF. Yes, British English. Please I will like your input on "reward of my continued efforts" modification.

Scholarship / I wanted to stand as the pinnacle of hope for my underprivilege community, a role model to others [7]

Vangiespen, I really appreciate your help. But I made mistake in the essay prompt, here is the real prompt-->Write on a topic that is important to you and reflects who you are? . Did your aforementioned apply to this prompt too? Or the essay did not answer the prompt? Or some parts only answered the prompt? And this essay is for another school. Thanks ;)

Essays / A school for my village - essay [4]

Dean. To start, you need to describe how you come around with the book. Do you buy it? Get it from a library? As a gift? Etc and how you're attracted to it.

Something like this---> Checking through the wardrobe of books in the library, I saw a book with orange colour and "A School For My Village" is boldly written on it. What caught my attention was a small font words that are written at lower part of the book. The words read; "promise to the orphans of Nyaka", as a person that has been longing to know about the world of orphans and how they survive, I took the book with a view of knowing about orphans.

You can use that as a template.

Undergraduate / Rewards of my continued efforts [5]

Vangiespen, thanks for your help. The essay limit is just 200words and I have 8words left unused. Check this addition on blue font. HERE----> My first step was when I joined a debate group, I joined the group with an urge to improving my public speaking skills. Through my constant participation in the group activities. My continued efforts were rewarded with skills I never thought...

Good? Any suggestions?

Scholarship / Education, a tool for altering change. [5]

Vangiespen thanks, here are another modifications on blue fonts.

Yes this is the full prompt--- write on a topic that is important to you and reflects who you are.

The program focus on economic disadvantage people circumstance correspond to the lowest two quantiles of their country and have dream of giving back to their country.

Undergraduate / Discovery of my potential. Luckily my practice hits perfection, after the third term I was promoted. [12]

Vangiespen thanks for your feedback. Since the time you said the essay did not answer the prompt I have been trying to relate another experience with it. But I can't really think right and the deadline is near. Can you suggest any experience that can answer the prompt? Downfall? Success? Failure?-- No

Lastly, the initial prompt I dropped is not correct, here is the real prompt--->

tell us about an experience in school or out, that caused you to rethink or change your perspective. What impact has this had on you?

Or my initial essay can still go along with modification?

Undergraduate / Discovery of my potential. Luckily my practice hits perfection, after the third term I was promoted. [12]

Vangiespen, thanks for this wonderful suggestion. I have considered writing event outside school and your suggestion gave me an idea. What if I write on Death . Can I relate that with the prompt? Check the below out--

Growing up, whenever I heard that someone died, I always thought that the people involved were older adults. I have always believed that children have to grow old before they will die. But I remembered I began to question this thought when one of my brothers died nine years ago. .

Is this introductory draft okay? What can you suggest I come up with in other paragraphs?

Undergraduate / My effectiveness of time management [5]

Vangiespen, here is the modification. I deleted the side you said I should delete and I added what you suggested. But it is above word count 233/200. Is the addition okay? What else can I delete to reduce the count?

Being one of the two students that were asked to represent our school in Junior Engineers and Technicians (JET) competition hosted by Lagos state ministry ministry of education. My goals were to promote the name of my school and set standards for the eminent and current students as it was towards my high school graduation. In pursuing these goals, I backed up the representation call with studying and usual night reading. I spent more time covering almost all the topics in my physics textbook and I borrowed different physics textbooks from my friends to strengthen my competence.

On the scheduled date, my other mate and I went to the venue. We were accredited and pulled to an auditorium, where we wrote the first stage examination for the competition. The examination was stated for individual, lasted for two and half hours and covered questions from most parts of in-depth calculating topics in physics. In beating the little time allotted, I started with the questions I found comfortable solving and skipping the ones I found challenging for a recheck. Before we were asked to submit I had already covered eighty percent of the questions.

Fortunately, after three weeks I received a text that I was short listed among the best twelve in the competition. Although, I crashed out in the second stage of the competition but my participation taught me the effectiveness of time management.

Undergraduate / Discovery of my potential. Luckily my practice hits perfection, after the third term I was promoted. [12]

Vangiespen thanks. Here is a straight draft. Do you think I deviate from the prompt in the second paragraph? Yes right? How can I fit that? And it is above word count.

Growing up and being a little boy then, whenever I heard that someone died, I am not normally emotionally connected with the incident. As I always thought that the people that died were or should be an older adults. I have always believed that children will have to grow old before they will die. This thought lasted with me for years until nine years ago when one of my brothers died, then I began to question this thought. Initially my family did not break the news of his death to me because I was young, as they told me he was discharged from the hospital and transported to my uncle's place where he would be staying. But as time went by I realised that he died due to his long illness.

Realising the incident, I began to question my thought. That was then I encountered one of pastor Myles Monroe's tapes, the tape was recorded when he came to siloh 2001 in Nigeria. He taught on the cemetery, after I listened to the tape, my perspective changed, I came to understand that the cemetery contain young and old. Those that have tapped their potential and those that did not tap it before they died.

Undergraduate / Discovery of my potential. Luckily my practice hits perfection, after the third term I was promoted. [12]

Hi Vangiespen, here is another modification. I hope this essay relates with the prompt as today is the deadline. I plan submitting it today. It is over the word limit 217/200

Realising the incident, it was as if a giant nerve had been severed. One of the giant nerves that we played together from childhood, which gave me a strange kind of feeling that prompted me to research on why children die. Eventually I realised that age is not directly or inversely to death. After I realised the principle behind death, I am always trying to make much impacts on people. So that I would be remember for it, even if I leave this earth at anytime.

Undergraduate / My effectiveness of time management [5]

Vangiespen thanks very much. :) I really appreciate your helping hands.

Undergraduate / Discovery of my potential. Luckily my practice hits perfection, after the third term I was promoted. [12]

Vangiespen, thanks very much. The modification really saved me today, I appreciate your helping hands. May God bless you, your home and everything about you. Thanks again :)

Undergraduate / MIT Cultural Background Essay || INDIA || SIKH [5]

Hello! Namaste! SatShriAkal!
AsalamWalekum!!!

As an Indian, I am always proud of its Rich and Diversified Culture. Ours Our culture is an amalgamation of several cultures, people and religions. My grandparents moved to India during Indo-Pak division in 1947 and has worked very hard to earn their livings. I belong to a middle class Sikh family in Rajasthan State and like most of the males in my family, I am also a Turbanator. We enjoy celebrating Diwali- festival of Lights, Holi- festival of Colors, Baisakhi, Lohri, and Guruparb - Sikh festivals, Eid-ul-Fitar, Christmas , Indian Independence Day and Republic Day.

100 words maximum?
Your prompt?

Good luck :)

Scholarship / It was one my best volunteering experiences. 2nd Scholarship Essay for Transferring Colleges [2]

Ashley, I hope you find this helpful. :)

Your introductory paragraph sounds like your are answering a direct Question. You do not need to repeat the prompt in the beginning and some of your points can be input in the second paragraph.

Start like this --- I was one of the executives and leader of a group that volunteered in X hospital or X community. Our main goal was to rendered a selfless service to the growing community, being a person that has been longing to work and acquire more feat in the medical field I gladly embrace the activity as a way fulfilling my ambition and playing my own in giving back to my community.

Volunteering there also impacted me socially.You are so much into using the word volunteering use something like this --->

Through my involvement in this cause, I was able to met with more medical inclined people, those who contributed to shaped my medical views. As one of the leaders, the role contributed to my social life as I had the opportunity to relate with many people and I made me learned some valuable leadership skills.

You can use the template in reviewing your essay. ;)

Scholarship / Students seek assistance from scholarship programs in order to mitigate their cost of attendance [5]

Benjamin, what are the criteria for eligibility of this scholarship? The criteria will make me suggests a better way to develop your essay.

Your introductory paragraph is good but many people applying for this program also know how expensive to fund tertiary education. So for your essay to stand out, you need to include your/family's financial problem(s) and how getting the scholarship will be a blessing to your family.

With a college education getting increasingly expensive, each year it proves more imperative for a student to seek assistance from scholarship programs such as this in order to mitigate their overall cost of attendance. The winning of this scholarship is important to me because I realize financial strain I'm about to embark in, and any gift that can help offset the cost of attending my first choice school would be a blessing.

You spent too much time explaining what you want to major in and it eats up your word counts. Be specific, explain how your academic and general background relates or shapes your view(s) of your major. Explain how your major after your graduation will help solve problem(s) in your community or country and do not forget your dream of giving back to people.

Use the above as guide in modifying your essay and you can also post it here after modification. ;)