Undergraduate / 'Both education and Track and Field' - Stanford a good place for you? [14]


^Good point, but I think the German already answered that question.

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]

O dear. Reading error again.

Well, I think the reading error was caused due to the sentence structure, which confused me at first.

As a future Spanish major, I will be able to learn the language, and culture faster through the study abroad program offered at the University of Chicago.

^Actually. What culture are we referring to? Spain's? Mexican?

*Edit.
I still can not believe how I misread that. Damn words getting jumbled up whenever I read.
When I read, for some reason, I read 'culture faster than through the study abroad', hence the reason I commented on it.

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]

Chicago eh? Well, I am going to get VERY critical in that case

#1
Question 1. How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to Chicago

In my near future I hope to become a plastic and reconstructive surgeon, helping people who want to look a little younger, or people who have been in unfortunate situations.

^Unfortunate situations? Like what? People do not only go to plastic surgeons to look younger. Women, :), also go for boob jobs. Unless, you are implying that being small breasted is an unfortunate situation. (Perhaps thats more under cosmetic surgery, I dont know. Regardless, expand on what you interpret as an unfortunate situation. Alternatively, you can just say that you want to become a plastic and reconstructive surgeon, and just stop there)

But I know that before I can take such a giant leap I must first take baby steps, something the University of Chicago can help me with.

^Wow. I guess UChicago would love to know that its being used to help an aspiring surgeon, learn it's baby steps. Not really a compliment hear. It kind of makes it sound as if UChicago is a great place to start, for an AMATEUR.

Since the University of Chicago has a hospital on campus, this would be a great opportunity for me to get even more hands on experience inside of a hospital besides the internship I did this past summer.

^
Your grammar towards the end is flaky. Also, how sure ar eyou that you can even get experience at UChicago's hospital? Have you done any research on this? If UChicago knows that students do not do internships there, it will be uninterested in your application, because you have no idea about the Uni's policies, thus signaling a lack of interest in the University.

This would add convenience, and add to the learning experience of sitting inside of a classroom.
A future Spanish major, I will be able to learn the language, and culture faster through the study abroad program offered at the University of Chicago.

^Are you dissing, UChicago's summer program?? Nice.

I have also been in my current high school for so long-a diverse school-that I couldn't picture myself in a place without diversity.
^How is your school diverse? In what ways, can you consider it diverse?

The University of Chicago will allow me to stay in my element, and not feel out of place, since it is a very diverse school.

^I would not say it is very diverse. UChicago has some of the most intellectual people, in the world. However, the vast majority of these people, are NERDS. UChicago does not have that active of a sports scene. So in terms of interests, there is not too much of diversity. (You will probably find that these nerds all like the same things, studies, computer games like World of Warcraft, and Comic Book Conventions). Culturally, I am not too sure however. In terms of talent, (music and drama), I do not know how strong UChicago is in these departments. All I know, is that at UChicago, in terms of people who study academic disciplines, people are nerds and study very very very very hard, hence the reason that they are such an academically intensive University. There is not that much time for play.

I can combine great
learning, with diversity which is, to me, "my scene".
^Uh yea.

Undergraduate / 'Both education and Track and Field' - Stanford a good place for you? [14]

Henry J. Kaiser once said "Taste the relish to be found in competition - in having put forth the best within you", and. what better place to get the best competition possible, than Stanford.

^What competition are we talking about here? Academic competition? UChicago is probably more academically rigorous than Stanford, especially in certain disciplines.

Stanford has some of the most intelligent people in the nation attending there school, which creates enormous competition for everyone, and therefore makes people produce far better results than if they had no competition at all.

^No.

If there is one thing I want from a school, I want them to push me to achieve more than what I could normally do on my own, and I think Stanford is the perfect place for that. Stanford will push me to take the risks i need to be successful. Being pushed to achieve more doesn't just benefit me; it creates a chain-reaction to society and the community to follow my example to achieve more as well.

^School is singular.
-The school will not push you to achieve what more than you can actually do. You will have to do to that on your own.

-Risks? What risks are you taking, by studying?
-A chain reaction? If that were the case, there should have been one with the many graduating classes of Stanford in the past. Where is this...chain reaction? Unless, you are so special that they have to follow your 'example'.

Not only does Stanford give me the push I'm looking for in my education, I will also get that push on the Track and Field as well. Stanford has one of the best Track and field programs on the West coast and I know that I could benefit from there great program and give that gift back to the school.

^It is 'their'.
-Are you even good enough to make it on the Track and Field roster?
-How is it's program one of the best on the west coast?

Stanford's coaches can push me to the limit and get me to the goals that I want and there is nothing more that I really want than to score points in the PAC-10 Conference for Stanford.

^You would rather score points for Stanford than study there. That. My friend. Is an Interesting point.

Running down the last 100 meters of the 400 m run, sweat flying everywhere, the grunts of pain exploding from your legs; these are the images I see before my race, I visualize my self in the lead just to give me the mental push I need to win the race.

^Pain does not grunt. Exploding from 'your' legs. Why are you referring to the reader's legs here.

My new race isn't a 400 meter run, now its Stanford. I can visualize myself at Stanford, seeing not only what Stanford can do for me, but what great things I can do for Stanford.

^What great things can you do. You havent even discussed one useful thing.

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]


^Haha, well I have completed 97 percent of my essays. However, in my experience, it is the final 3 percent, which involves all the fine tuning and tweaking, that is the most important. So I have yet to completely finish that 3 percent.


^When I edited my post, I wondered if you would catch on to that and point out that I was questioning the 'usage'. I guess you did eventually. lol. Yes, I was questioning the usage to some extent. lol. I just was too lazy to edit that part to be honest =p

Strange. I did not know I portrayed a great deal of knowledge about India actually. I thought I had just posted basic general knowledge about the country. Ill take it as a compliment that my knowledge on India, is in fact, not bad :)

Writing Feedback / I closed my eyes and started the chanting!; The moment of the Lords. [11]

EF_Sean
^All of that is quite true.


^K I finished my A-Levels just recently. Is this for English Lit or Lang? (It does not really matter, I just wanted to know. Strange how you guys got assignments to be completed during the summer...)

-I do not get what you mean by thinking critically. Please expand on this, because our definitions may be different.
-You used the word 'Lords', and 'did not mention any religion'. Well, by saying 'Lords', you kind of are. Abrahamic religions believe that there is only one Lord. So if you were trying to connect readers with the deity in this essay, you would not necessarily be connecting all of your readers. Also, you describe the physical appearance of the Lords. In Abrahamic religions as well, God has not been described physically, which therefore strengthens the disconnect between your readers and this essay.


^I do not see how everyone can understand it. Sean addresses the exact reasons why. How did your protaganist even get to meet the Lords. Was it through imagination, unconsciousness etc...


^Well, I am criticizing your essay. I doubt this is what you had in mind though :)


^Well, at least give your readers some insight as to where the protagonist was when it saw these lords. Was it in a monestary or a temple of some kind? Or like I asked earlier, was it in the state of mind?

Your conclusion in the essay could agree with the latter.
*The essay does need more facts.
This is all that there is:
-The Lords are there.
-They talk to the protagonist
-The protagonist talks back
-The protagonist learns something
-The protagonist wakes up and has a new approach to life

-It should be made clear, why the protagonist talked to the Lords, how the protagonist was able to seek a confrontation with the Lords, when did this happen and where did it happen. Then readers will be given a clearer picture about your essay.

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]


^Thats perfectly fine. I am just a teenager like most of you, and am in fact in the process of applying to Universities as the rest of you. What I am offering in my posts are my suggestions, my input and my opinions. These are not corrections as such. These can be correct suggestions though. 'Corrections' are made by the moderators on this site, because they are qualified and experienced enough to make them.


^Fair enough. However, how certain are you that these people have used it correctly as well.

These three things alone can inundate a person.
^How can three things flood a person. Perhaps a person's mind. Regardless, I still do not think that the word 'inundate' is used correctly here.


^Yes. This deserves to be lolled at. When I read, once in a while, the words get jumbled up. I guess this is just one of those times. I misread. My bad and my apologies.


^Actually, you can just suddenly realize. It does not have to take a period of time to realize something, as realizations do tend to be instantaneous. My point is that there is no description as to how the realization came about. In my opinion, this 'sudden' realization weakens the narrative. So much so, that it looks like as if the realization is fake and just inserted there, just to make the essay. (Again, this is my opinion)

This is how I understood the essay from the narrative:
-I did not like India. It is dirty, too many people etc.
-I have read reports. India is a thriving economy.
-Let me look around
-I love India.
-Yay.
^It just does not seem real. Maybe it was, and this is exactly how it happened, however the essay does not quite add life to this experience, and that is why I feel that the 'sudden realization' needs to be developed.


^I was not questioning the usage of the word 'its'. I was questioning, what does 'its' refer to. If you look back, you too may wonder what does 'its' actually refer to.


^I guess that it the point I just made. Anyways, I developed my point, so collectively, our points on this should be useful.

*By the way, I just want to say, if you are doing the significant experience here, what is the significant experience?

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]

Walking down a street in New Delhi, India for the first time, a person can only notice a few things: the filth, the population, and the traffic.

^Not any person may note this. I doubt a year old baby that has just learnt how to walk would take notice of filth as much as we, or even you, would.

These three things alone can inundate a person.
Inundate means to flood...

The experience as a whole is more tiring to most than anything else.
^More tiring than a marathon? Or one workout session featuring squats and deadlifts, followed by other exercises?

This is exactly as I felt during my first trip to India.
^Needs grammar revision. How did you feel? Just tired?

**Moreover, I only saw India for what it lacked: order, infrastructure, and cleanliness. Even subsequent trips left me disappointed in the condition of the country I am from. However, during a recent trip to India, my perception of the atmosphere in India has completely changed.

^I swear to god I have read an essay just like this on this site.

On previous visits to India, traveling outside was what I hated the most.
^How can you say precious. With the exception of that one recent trip, all your other trips were disappointing. Precious is the incorrect word here, given the context.

I was restless sitting in our small car on the road, where hundreds of cars were crawlingcrawled like ants. I would shudder to see and smell the mounds of garbage in markets, no doubt a reflection of India's burgeoning population. I used to cringe as my family and I moved with the crowds of people at temples and bazaars like fish in a school , unable to breath in the body odor of the beggars around us.

As trying as my trips to India became, I asked myself how was India still a thriving nation even with all its apparent downfalls.
^Did you mean tiring. Also, how is it thriving? I assume you mean economically. I think you should mention this.

When I stopped to reflect on this question during my recent trip, I tried to soak in all of my surroundings and open my mind. Suddenly, I had understood.

^Just like that eh? Perhaps, you can tell us what you were doing at the time so that your essay paints a more vivid picture of how you made your discovery.

When I stopped to listen to India itself, I found my answer in one simple word: energy.
^Were you listening? This is why I think you should tell us what you were doing whilst making your discovery. It just makes it more clearer to readers, what you were doing. I thought by soaking in all of your surroundings, you just stood there and took a deep breath or something, ye know..

I sensed it from the streets, the houses, and most importantly, the people. Once I noticed the positive energy, I felt it surging within me.

^Describe the positive energy that you see. Earlier, you had described beggars and filth. How could you see positive energy through all of this, is what I, as a reader, would like to know.

I felt inspired to do my part to improve the country while I was there. My serendipitous realization made me feel that it made no sense to complain about how India is. By doing my part, my continued effort could begin to reduce the inequality and poverty in India.

^What part? What continued effort?
How can you alone, reduce the inequality and poverty in India? K I guess you may discuss that in your remaining paragraphs and sentences.

Rather than closing my eyes to the vulgarity of India's poor and assume that it has no future, I decided to open my mind and try to make a difference, to finally do my job as an Indian.

^India's poor has no future. Or India has no future? Which one were you trying to imply in your sentence.

While I was just one person with new and exciting hopes for India, I believed I could still take effective action. With my new found open mindedness, I became a volunteer for UNICEF, an organization whose efforts to help the destitute are renowned .

^Do not assume that your readers are unintelligent enough not to know what Unicef is.

Additionally, I started to do research at a United Nations lab in India to help understand the diseases that left so many incapacitated and to ultimately find their prevention. Suddenly, the congested traffic was no longer just traffic. It was the blood of India flowing through its veins.

^I wouldnt say it is the blood of India. Id say it is just the blood of the New Delhi. Also, if you are comparing traffic to blood, it would be advisable to compare the roads to veins.

I saw it as the excitement of activity and life reverberating from every corner. I had not become blind of India's neglected roads, people, and buildings, but aware of what I could do to help India rise up from where it had fallen.

^Well then what can you do?

I had seen its potential in the people from working in a lab in New Delhi; their hard-working attitudes could easily be used to better their nation.

^Then again, you do need to realize that these people are the minority of India, as the majority of the population are impoverished. Whilst they may also have hard working attitudes, which they indisputably do, can these poor people really better the nation? They can, but Id like to hear how you think they might be able to in that case.

During my trip to India, I was able to do my part. By working in a United Nations lab, I researched the Tuberculosis disease.
^Shouldnt this be put earlier, when you first talked about working at the UN.

It is rampant in India because of a lack of clean drinking water. Hopefully in the future, the research I assisted the lab do will lead to drugs and medicines to reduce the numbers suffering from this ailment.

^How long did you work there? If you worked there for a few months, do you really think that your research alone is good enough, seeing as how teams of people have been working for years now...If you worked for less than a few months...then I would not suggest being so bold and give the impression that you did so much research that it can contribute to a medical breakthrough.

Once disease in India is controlled, sick beggars can become healthy workers.
^Yes. This is not only in India, this is all over the world. Also, tubercolosis is not the only disease in India. (I know you may know this, but from my understanding of your essay structure, you believe this. It is what your essay structure implies, in my opinion)

By becoming a volunteer for UNICEF, I have sent countless letters to my senators to allocate more money to UNICEF so that it may help the vagrants of India and other such peoples.

^
I thought you were more concerned about the sick people, rather than the vagrants. Also, India may have vagrants as some people may be on a spiritual or religious journey. Perhaps, you should just say 'people in need of aid'??

It has also opened my eyes to the horrendous conditions so many people all over the world face daily.
^What has? People donating money has made you seen this?

With time and dedicated effort, India will hopefully be able to improve its infrastructure and reduce the number of needy.
^This is just general knowledge. Everyone should know this.

Once I became open to differences and willing to see the potential in things, I saw a change in myself. To me, the crowded Indian markets, with people chattering and children laughing, were no longer a nuisance, but much more.

^What were they then? Even more of a nuisance?

The incessant honking on the streets was no longer noise pollution, but India's voice screaming out to anyone willing to listen to it.
^Not India. New Delhi.

That it was ready for change if anyone else was ready to do his or her part.
^I understand your interpretation of the symbolism here. However, in reality, arent the people just honking because there is just traffic and people want to get to their destinations; people want to move on.

This trip to India opened my eyes to the world around me, and taught me the value of doing so in my daily life. Not only had I finally connected with India, but I also connected with myself.

^I wouldnt say the world around you. From your essay, you say how India has just taught you about India.

I never thought I would learn from the filth, the population, or the traffic in India, not for what they are, but from what they represent. They represent the average Indian surroundings.

^The average Indian surrounding, is filthy, populous and full of traffic? It may be, however I am not sure if this is entirely true. Some parts of India are clean. Some parts do not have a lot of traffic.

They are a beacon of its potential and verve.

Writing Feedback / I closed my eyes and started the chanting!; The moment of the Lords. [11]

Rajiv did a good job.

Bald headed and simple dressed though they were , their mere presence had a pleasant, powerful aura about them .

"You are a qualified person to be amongst us. Why give up now?''

"I have started forgetting, my Lords". I answered with a feeling of sadness and understanding.My answer had a mixture of sadness and understanding. I wanted to talk to them, stay with them and, have this conversation fora long time, forever.

"That is your challenge in the everlasting circle of life, trying to remember and never letting go. It is hard, indeed, as we have seen and went through our own destined challenges, we know. But that is the only way. You have come this far, Why the hesitation now? Do not forget ... Remember ..." Their voices faded away with the last few words. Still, the memory of their images remained.

"Yes, my Lords ..." I sounded vigilant, determined yet calm.

They had a message for me, an omen to find my destiny. The very feeling of their existence gave me the strength to look beyond the obvious.

*Alright, this is a different essay from the ones I have read. What is the essay question? Also, what exactly are you trying to convey here?

Undergraduate / The story of two eagles-- common app [8]


^Chasing, and questing, is not 'catching'.


^Ruthless and casual? An oxymoron or juxtaposition. However, not that effective because I do not understand it. Also, eagles do swoop on their prey with effort. They calculate, watch, observe, and strike. Also, you mention that he was kidding. Now, you say that he 'neglected', which kind of gives a different impression.

*Your fourth paragraph needs heavy grammar revision.

Woah, woah

'couldn't accept my failure and reminded of those days I had struggled. I didn't attend my grandmother's seventieth birthday but studied alone at home, I gave up the chance of travelling with my family to Sweden but flung myself in supplement materials, I missed the opportunity of meeting my childhood friend but locked myself in the library. All I wanted was to win. My father would never understand the happiness I had sacrificed to win, the efforts I paid to excel others. Perhaps this time he would ridicule me that 'the little eagle failed to catch its prey.' I dashed my tears with the back of my hand just liked an eagle lipped its own wounds.

My father had already gone to work like nothing happened next morning. My hypothesis that he didn't care me was deeply confirmed. But when I sat in front of the table to have my breakfast, a note under my coffee cup with my father's handwriting came into my view

^From the moment you lost and sat in your room alone, to the next morning, you did not go to your grandma's birthday and did not go on a family holiday to Sweden. All of these events, took place in the space of one day. If not, then I consider revising this paragraph to make it more sensible.

'I was moved. My father opened the cage for me but still stared at me silently. '
^Umm. I thought he went to work.

My memory flashed back to the past: My father never said goodbye every time he sent me to school but I still felt the warmth of his vision on my back.

^You never gave this impression before. Suddenly, you feel it?
The same applies to the rest of the paragraph. You give the impression that he is in fact a caring father, when one of your first lines of this essay says that he 'never cared'....


^I think you do.

Undergraduate / 'long-established tradition of academic excellence' - Yale's Secondary: School of Medicine [10]

I am fervently interested in pursuing my degree of Doctor of Medicine at Yale University because of its long-established tradition of academic excellence, where I know I will receive the best education possible

^You are not referring to a place here.

Yale creates an environment wherein which I can focus on understanding and appreciating medicine, rather than competing for certain grades or class rankings

*Your essay is good.
Are you applying for a Masters program? wow.
When is the deadline to submit this by the way? Are you applying under some early program?
Best of luck :)

Undergraduate / Need help on my admissions essay - Art Institute, San Francisco [14]

Thats great to hear. The coversheet and everything looks great. Good stuff.
x

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]

It is a common myth that people should "stick with their own kind" because once people experiment they will find different cultures don't mix.

^I do not like that sentence that I highlighted in bold. It is rather, controversial.

My parents defied that myth when they married and when my mom gave birth to her bi-ethnic child-me . Of both African-American and Hispanic descent I know what it is to experience mixed culture.have experienced a mixture of cultures

Maybe the myth has some validity because my parents divorced. Maybe they were too different. Only eight years old at the time, I thought they looked the same; they had the same color skin. I thought they were both only black (African-American). Later, however my older sister helped me see this from a different perspective.made me see differently.

My sister and I were in a supermarket when she told me my dad was Hispanic. I told her "No he's not. He's black, he has dark skin." She laughed and told me that just because he looked a little different didn't mean she was wrong. She explained to me his parents were Cuban immigrants and had Cuban ancestry which in return made memakes me half Cuban, half black.

After I learned a little about myself and the concept of ethnicities from my sister, I understood the importance of mixing them since I was a mix of two different ones. At the University of Michigan I would contribute an open mind about groups of people not sticking to their own kind.

^I think your conclusion needs to be a bit more striking to readers than what you have already posted. How did you suddenly learn the importance of mixing two ethnicities, by just learning about the concept of ethnicities? You say that because you are a mixture, it is important to mix ethnicities? Why do you think this and how can we mix ethnicities? (You should consider addressing this. It would show a better understanding of mixing ethnicities)

Would you not contribute an 'open mind' to those who stick to their own ethnic groups. That suggests that you will knowingly not want to integrate with certain parts of the student body.

Undergraduate / Need help on my admissions essay - Art Institute, San Francisco [14]


^I never suggested she cut it out. By the way, there are two sentences on dogs and crippled Barbies, and I commented on both of them. The first sentence, I thought was decent, but could be arranged elsewhere.

On to the second sentence.
Alright, I can see how designing colorful clothes, and mentioning the stylish cuts and glimmering patters, along with their beauty matched my flowers is all quite useful in depicting imagery and showing Ashton's interest in fashion. Perhaps, I should have commented on the organization. Given the way it currently is, all of this is just there. (The dog chews up the Barbie, and then dresses are made for them. There*)

As it is just 'there', that is why I questioned it's relevance. Ashton had made the point earlier that she 'knew not what I was doing, only that it was beautiful and it made me feel good.' Ashton, perhaps, as with the previous dog and barbie sentence, all of this could be placed earlier on in the paragraph, and the paragraph's conclusion can be that it was beautiful and made you feel good?

Do you agree Simone?

Undergraduate / Need help on my admissions essay - Art Institute, San Francisco [14]

Hmmmm I could not read the essay question, since there is a page error. O well

My passion for fashion began in the magenta flower fields of northern Alaska. At the tender age of nine, I was living in a small town called North Pole, far from what's considered the "home of high fashion". For me, however, it was a colorful world of designer creativity awaiting discovery.

^Wow. I do like that sentence.

I spent hours sitting in front of my Barbie dollhouse preparing for a show that would be produced in fields of Fireweed (rosebay) blossoms. I made clothing for fashion shows that I would later share with my dogs. Having never seen a fashion show or even a fashion magazine, I knew not what I was doing, only that it was beautiful and it made me feel good.

^I do not see how having never seen a fashion show or a fashion magazine means that you did not know what you were doing...

Though my world then consisted of three dogs, crippled Barbies, and thousands of pink perennials, I had an undying need to create clothing that would be seen by the rest of my world.

^Hmmm. If i may, perhaps you can omit the entire sentence before this one, and link this undying need to the 'beautiful and it made me feel good' part.

My dogs would sit patiently waiting for the show to conclude, so that they could add a few Barbies to the crippled group. I began to design colorful clothes for the armless, footless, and headless dolls of puppy war. As the Barbies walked (or hoppled) down the runway in stylish cuts and glimmering patterns, their beauty was matched only by the flowers that surround my first fashion show.

^Is any of the above truly relevant in your opinion??

I can best describe who I am as a person and who I strive to be as Alaska's flowering herb, Fireweed. Fireweed is known as a "pioneer species", thriving in locations that have been destroyed by forest fires. The delicate, pink flowers are the first life to start growing after a fire, replenishing the soil with nutrients that allow trees and other plants to begin their return. They can only survive in places with plentiful sunlight and open space . I, like the flower, find comfort in creating beauty and inspiration from nothing. I am known for finding materials that to some are outdated, used, or "ugly", and allow the materials to take on a new life. My spaces of bright sunlight are those where I can nourish the minds around me.

^Alright. This flower stuff digresses from the topic quite a bit. So I ommitted what I thought was redundant. However, this is just my opinion.

My career goal is simple: I want to become the next Coco Chanel. Like her, as a blossoming young entrepreneur, I am starting a new life with only dreams, drive and the desire to give people the confidence to put their lives on the runway. I strive to create clothing with flare that leaves a lasting impression and shows the personality of the person within. I want to change the way people perceive suits and business wear, while making them modern and fresh with style and color. I want to create a fashion movement that expresses the drive and desire of the young entrepreneurs this world. And I want to change the way people view fashion as a whole.

^I liked everything, until I came to the bold part. Whilst I appreciate your clear and focused aspirations, the last part is a bit much in my opinion. Not even Chanel has changed how people view fashion as a whole. Perhaps, you can come with a strong and powerful statement that is possible, rather than making such a bold statement, if you know what I mean.

My budding ideas can only bloom by me returning to school; to a new vibrant world waiting for my arrival, providing nourishing change and personal rebirth. I dream of a job to which I will wake in the morning smiling, and leaves me feeling inspired when I lay my head to rest . I want the feeling that I had when I walked into the fields of Fireweed, the feeling of everything being right and change being good. .

^I thought the job part is unnecessary. You never mentioned about walking into the fields of Fireweed and feeling amazing, that is why I ommitted it.

I need to plant my roots in a profession where I can grow as a person and as an entrepreneur, a place where I can find inspiration and sunshine to which I can point my mind.

^I like this. I see that you talk about your current job in the next sentence. If you can just link this part, to your love of fashion, it should be really effective. Like 'fashion is in my nature, in which I find beauty'( sorry I was trying to work on the nature part, with the roots and sunshine. I am sure you can come up with much better wordplay lol)

My current job, at a prestigiouslaw firm, is for me a just a paycheck. My conversation skills and willingness to help may brighten the day of another for a moment, but I want to give them confidence and photographic memories forever.

^By 'another' and 'them', at first I thought you were talking about your law clients. Perhaps you are. But do you really want to give them confidence and photographic memories as well? Because I would assume that confidence would be that they believe that they are winning the case, and the photographic memories are that they won the case...Maybe I am wrong. But if you are tyring to link this to fashion, I suggest revising this sentence.

I believe that the Art Institute will give me the skills to create those memoirs, not simply in a pretty picture on a runway, but also as a feeling that they are beautiful living their day-to-day lives in clothing that makes them feel good. The school's small class sizes, in-depth labs, and career driven lessons will develop my abilities to match my drive. I plan to commit to my education by joining clubs to meet and help others, to be dedicated to my work as an incessant scholar, and create fashion shows that will represent the magnificence of the school to the rest of ourthe world. The program will give me the nutrients to start my career, enabling me to immediately begin reaching for my goals. If we, the students, teachers and faculty, work together as a team, we can create amazing concepts to redefine the industry. We will be able to give people a feeling of happiness in their lives, the same feeling that flowers and fashion did for me as a child.

^Well, you do need to understand that not everyone cares about fashion. Oscar Wilde believed it was so hideous, that it needed to be changed quite frequently( cant remember the quote). So people, in general, may not get happiness. Perhaps, you should be more specific as to the type of people that can benefit from your fashion.

Also, if you are an entrepreneur, will you be using the assistance of the people at Art Institute. If not, then why would you say 'we', if it is your own fashion label, that will make people happy.

Coco Chanel said, "Fashion is not something that exists in dresses only. Fashion is in the sky, in the street. Fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live, what is happening." For me fashion started with Fireweed, a beautiful flower that signifies who I am as a person and who I strive to be in this industry. I hope that within my application and this essay, you will find a small magenta flower that is yearning for growth. With your help, I hope to make my dreams come true like Coco Chanel.

^I liked your essay. I found the nature references, artistic.

Book Reports / Great Gatsby [Story, Lucy Help Essay] [9]

Man Great Gatsby is so rich in symbolism.
It all depends on what you think youll be confident on writing about.
You can pick up SOOOO many themes from this book, if you read it, study it, and analyze it.
A central theme of the Great Gatsby is the American Dream. Fitzgerald has included many symbols of the American Dream in the novel, and it depends on the reader to interpret what these symbols are, what they mean, and what they stand for.

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]


^You kind of don't. You just make a one sentence statement about it in fact, rather than saying what you have actually learned about these experiences.


^Fair enough. My point is that that is the impression that I got. Whilst you were going for a different way of starting your essay, my point is that this 'different way of starting', does not help your essay. That is why I suggested you remove it. If you read my comments above, I suggested why I think you should remove it as well.


^Sure enough, that is your opinion. And you have every right to stick by it. If that is your opinion, then go for it. I would have just thought that a 'significant influence' is one that has been the most striking to you, and therefore, 'remains on your mind all the time'. However, like I said before, you are entitled to your own opinions and your own ways of tackling and addressing the question. Afterall, the words 'influential' and 'significant' are subjective and is a matter of perception.

Undergraduate / "Living in America converted me into new person" - essay for common app :) [20]

^I would have helped out but the Moderators have already done a thorough job. It just seems that you posted a reply just to get your post count up. Your new reply however is much better, as it is more informative and helpful

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]


^lol


^Ummm. This is your first sentence. It just stops, even though the sentence structure requires you to talk a bit more. Perhaps you should consider starting with 'It was the first time..'


^Why are you saying this. Do you think readers actually care? If you really need to delve inside, and make this clear to your readers, then you are kind of suggesting that the person you are going to talk about does not immediately stand out as the most influential person in your memory. Quite frankly, this sentence is pointless. Yes you may have thought this when you were writing your essay. You do not make this point, in your essay.


^I really do not see what type of an effect you are going for by saying stuff like this.
Looking back, I think you mentioned your first few lines about working and seeing working conditions, to try and impress your readers. Well quite frankly, I am unimpressed because you started off with something that could have been quite powerful, but you immediately scrape it away. It makes me think, why would you include this. It seems as if you are going for the 'OMG, I HAVE DONE SO MUCH IN LIFE AND SEEN SO MANY THINGS AND PEOPLE. I HAVE SEEN SOOOO MUCH THAT IT IS DIFFICULT TO CHOOSE WHO IS SO INFLUENTIAL ON ME. OMG OMG' card.

What makes it worse, is that all of these 'accomplishments' have no pertinence AT ALL to your essay. So quite frankly, you just wasted my time.

You know what. Remove your first paragraph completely, and start over with a newer introduction. I read the next few lines and already can see that Shayla has no link with the introduction. The introduction therefore, is garbage, because it neither sets the scene of where you are in, nor does it give any information about Shalya. It is a useless paragraph, because it has no link with what you are going to say in the main body of your essay. Take it out, and I may reconsider looking at your essay. Also if you remove it, your word count will go down.

Undergraduate / "Living in America converted me into new person" - essay for common app :) [20]


^You just repeated Sean's point here.


^That is probably your own point. However, in your earlier sentence, you "ADVISED" to not focus on learning english...


^There is no harm in focusing on the hardships. However, exaggerating the hardships is something else, because it makes the essay seem fake and therefore uninteresting.

Undergraduate / 'Student-run clubs' - Johns Hopkins Short Answer [16]


^I too thought about the 'them', but then as I read on, I had a feeling that you said that for supposed dramatic effect.
Given the context, 'them' can even be the judge panel

Essays / "The Curious incident of the dog......."-Christopher's change & lessons learned [26]

Aight, kk nah probs.


Well, as I am trying to remember, perhaps you are right. I thought that the Father yelled at Chris and threw the book away, and then yelled and hit him after he found out that Chris talked to Miss Alexander.

When did the Father throw the book away? Before, or after Chris talked to Miss Alexander?

Undergraduate / "Not everyone is born with confidence" - Essay for common application [6]


Just because it is your first draft, does not mean it does not have to be well written. Since you yourself have admitted that it is not well written, then I wont comment on the grammar. You can submit a revised version, and perhaps reading over that will be better.

*From the first sentence, I knew where you going.
When you said this: 'In my dictionary, the word CONFIDENCE had never existed.
I had a feeling you would refer to this in the ending. So i decided to scroll down and check.


Bingo. I was right. Its a sign that perhaps, you should be more creative so that your essay is more powerful and more striking to it's readers.

I then skim read the main body. Wow. Your significant experience was seeing a butterfly and then comparing yourself to it.
You are no Thomas Hardy, and it is quite unlikely that you saw inspiration from a 'Darkling Thrush', or a butterfly in your case. Ok fine, maybe you did.


^I am sorry, but that just sounds too fabricated to me.

Also, the conversation part:
"Hey, did you hear that Alice that weird girl will attend the WHC this march?"
"Yeah, I was so surprised how such an inexperienced and taciturn person could attend this important competition."
"How did the teacher make the decision? She was sure to hinder our school performance."
"Haha, Let's just wait and see."

^It kind of sounds as if you just typed it up, rather than quote the exact words of those people.

Basically, I kind of get the impression that this essay is a bit fake. As it is fake, it fails to impress me.

Undergraduate / 'Student-run clubs' - Johns Hopkins Short Answer [16]

At my high school, more student-run clubs open every year. I love the commitments my peers have made to our community and themselves.
^What is the point in mentioning this? This is nothing about you.

Out of the several clubs I participate and hold leadership positions in, Debate is one of my favorites, especially because it uses strategy and intelligence simultaneously.

^In reference to what is highlighted in bold, it sounds as if you are trying to already impress whoever is reading your essay that you do so much. I doubt they will care, and will probably just identify this as some facade that you are trying to put on. Just tell your readers that you enjoy Debate club.

I began the club thinking it would be a good way to meet involved students.
^Did you start the club, or join it?

However, I have learned much more from this club. By debating in an aggressive atmosphere, I have learned the importance of keeping calm, whilst maintaining a strong presence. Additionally, my impromptu speech writing has become both formidable and succinct.

^Id really say that is a matter of opinion. Also, debate tends to be rather subjective. So there is no guarantee that your speech writing has actually improved at all. I have seen debators, and even though I may think that one party expressed more accurate views and made and evaluated much stronger points, the judge panel may choose the other team because of a matter of opinion. Do you see where I am going with this? Even if you do not, you do not need to praise yourself like this by saying that your writing has become 'formidable and succint'.

All of this self-improvement has brought me to co-secretary of this club. The most valuable thing I have learned, however, is to appreciate knowledge and awareness, for without it, not only would debate cease to exist, but also with it, the sense of difference and contrast in our colorful world.

^Hmm I am not quite feling the ending, particularly the last sentence. Not all debates impart knowledge and awareness just so you know. Saying that kind of shows you have a limited understanding on the concept of debating.

Debating is used to express your point of view and counter a conflicting point of view. What is the probability that you would have knocked sense into your opponent, and made him believe that he/she is wrong and that you are right. If he/she still believes in his/her view after the debate, then that person did not appreciate your knowledge and did not choose to become aware of the validity of your claims.

For example, I actually do advocate free markets and capitalism. Suppose you think otherwise, you can debate with me all you like, your points may even be more valid, however, that does not mean that my awarness or knowledge of your point of view will improve, because my parochial view on the free market and it's benefits will remain intact. Do you see what I mean here. Debates do not necessarily change the minds of people. Particularly the debators. If these debators continue to cling on to their points of view, then they have not appreciated knowledge. I have done some debating in the past and have seen debate clubs in school. I really do not think that debators want to gain knowledge from an alternative perspective, because that would mean that they are wrong. Also, if they do accept knowledge, and become more aware, of another point of view, then quite frankly, the debate is over. It is a resolved matter. It was a debate.

Essays / "The Curious incident of the dog......."-Christopher's change & lessons learned [26]


Well, rather than coming off with that tone, perhaps it is in fact possible that I read the book a while ago and not just yesterday.

And no. The father did not just have one outburst. "Maybe it's been a while since you read the book?"

Writing Feedback / The New Bus Driver [7]


Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr you did not mention any of this earlier so I guess you expected me to just know that some how right?


^I would not know if the blacks should have hated the whites.
Frederick Douglass worked with white people. However, ignorant as it may sound, I do not know what the general black sentiment was to the general white person at the time; i am sorry.

Essays / "The Curious incident of the dog......."-Christopher's change & lessons learned [26]


I do not recall him thinking the world is a terrifying place. Can you give me an example, or examples preferably, when he thought this was the case.


^Not always. If you forgot, Ed does say 'fuck' at him quite a bit, and also has been violent with Chris.


When was she hot tempered?

*For the other people, you can develop on their characteristics if you want to. There is more to say. Also, for Shioban, your sentence needs grammar revision towards the end.

We also see that Mrs Shears is very rude and obviously depressed with life.

This is a very gripping murder mystery, as the writer Mark Haddon takes youhis readers inside the mind of someone who views the world entirely different than most people do. Christopher wasis diagnosed with autism therefore he adores puzzles and is a great character to investigate the murder of a black poodle, Wellington.

^Because he has autism..he adores puzzles? Autism can range from person to person, I doubt that every autistic person adores puzzles.

His autism however creates severe problems so that if someone has physical contact with him, he would get really angry and become violent.
^Can be rephrased better.

This makes him an interesting detective since he cannot interpret people's emotions beyond what his mentors had taught him, so he must follow certain rules he learned as well as face his own fears to solve the mystery. The simplicity of Haddon's writing creates a descriptive world of what Christopher is going through.

^The simple language does not necessarily describe in great detail the world and what Chris is going through. Rather, readers can see how Chris thinks and how his thought process if just a stream of logic and constant reasoning.

The author writes in a way that you understand how Christopher's mind works and allows the reader to understand what is going on even when Chris is oblivious.

^Replace 'you' with readers. I can see that this point is linked to the one I made earlier...

This short read will go by quickly, but the true meaning of this reading will last much longer.
^Well said ending lol.

Undergraduate / 'DNA Repair / Surgery / Medicine / Upbringing' - Short Response to Johns Hopkins [3]

Thanks vietfun2k :)

In your second answer, I thought that the introductory sentence was a bit of a cliche, and I think that is the lamest way to start the answer because if the first sentence already bores the Admissions Committee, then that is not always a good thing.

I remove the surgeon's trade part because it is understood from your answer that you want to become a surgeon. I thought that the way you ended that answer was also a bit cliche-ish and not that impactful or enlightening about yourself.

That is why I removed those two parts. However, other people may think otherwise, but my suggestion is to remove it.

Essays / "The Curious incident of the dog......."-Christopher's change & lessons learned [26]

Chris only found out because his father admitted it. The father admitted it in what was described as a breakdown.
Also, the normal every day task of ours, is different to that of Chris's, so it is not an accurate comparison.
You also do not know how difficult it is to have autism, since you do not have it. Chris does not reveal any difficulties with having autism; he does not show express any emotions related to his autism, as he is emotionally stunted. Therefore, you cannot assume how difficult he found life to be with autism. Other people around him however, thought he was a difficult child to manage.

Undergraduate / "my peers' views" - admission essay-common app [5]

You seem to preach some philosphies, rather than narrate a 'significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced'

So quite frankly, you are not answering the essay.
There is no point suggesting corrections, because you need to rewrite the essay from scratch.

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate essay help ("living on campus") [6]

Although my name is John, you will most likely call me either "Fouts" (My last name) or "German".
^Alright. This is a friendly approach. However, some people may not like it that you think that they will call you by your cultural identity. It may come off as if you already think that they will have some prejudice to you, because you are a German.

Now you probably are thinking "okay Fouts is his last name, but German? Why that?!" and the reason is I'm a German fanatic.

^Ahh kk. But that does not mean I will call you a 'German' then does it.

History, Culture, Food, politics, language, you name it and I'm interested. I wasn't born in Germany but hopefully someday I would love to move and live there. Besides being a German lover,

^I am going to comment on this part right here. A German lover. Re-read this.
A lover who is German...??

I also have a unusual love for duct tape and fixing things. I can guarantee you that if there's something that's needed to be fixed in the dorm, me and duct tape will be involved.I will use duct tape.

I've fixed everything from wall sockets to my guitar with that wonderful silver tape. Not only do you not have to worry about things getting fixed, you can always look forward to getting a awesome home made meal as well.

^
Well, lets just say if I am your room mate, I am already looking forward to a guy who will fix my stuff and make my meals ;)

Since I started high school in 2006 my mom has been teaching me how to cook some fantastic meals that'll have you sayin' "I'm thinking Fouts".

^Umm..really. I dont think I want to think about a German male lover, when I am eating food. :P

I'm not the next Emril, but I do know how to make tasty meals that put up a façade for an expensive 5 star restaurant meal.

^Not everyone likes cuisine just so you know. Id prefer a bucket of KFC any day over, for a poor example, chicken with sauteed mushrooms.

It would seam that I would be the perfect roommate, but I do have a flaw and that's my complete laziness when it comes to cleaning up.

^Not the perfect room mate...Just because you cook my meals, and fix my stuff, doesnt make you the perfect room mate!

I leave clothes on the floor, I rarely put my dishes away, and couldn't care less if that coke can on the table sat there for 3 weeks. If you looked at my room now you might be shocked to call me a German with my absolutely entropic living space.

^Wow..is this a stereotype I am reading right here?

What you see as a pile of junk and an un-Prussian disorganized mess, I see as a perfect polymerization of organization and compactness. Ultimatly...

Hmmm..you do know that this essay is also addressed to the Admissions Committee right?
Dont write this essay as if you are writing to a pen pal, who is going to be a university room mate.

Dissertations / Suggestions for Ph.D topic in marketing? [4]

Lol.
Generally, people pursue PHDs because they have an idea/ideas that they wish to expand on, with the general aim of contributing to the development of an academic field.

Clearly, Kishore has no idea. Perhaps he is not suited for a PHD. Afterall, to be ready for a PHD program comes at a particular level of intellectual maturity. Perhaps Kishore is just not ready, if he is going on an ESSAYFORUM website, and asking people for topics in marketing even though he should have a clear idea as to what topics it is in marketing that he is interested in and willing to research.

Undergraduate / "My time with her count." - CommonApp essay - Evaluate a significant experience [7]


^Isnt phenomenal a bit too powerful of a word for this context?

My eyes finally landed on my little helper, and I waved at her. The van was revving up to leave, and I watched in awe as her tiny little hand formed itself into a thumbs-up.

^She could have also been signalling to you that you did a good job. It does show appreciation, which can be interpreted as being thankful. It could have also been a 'nice knowin ya' or 'this was cool' kind of thing.

A single tear rolled down my cheek as I realized that in one tiny action, she was thanking me. Because of her, I left Cambodia realizing that anything, whether it be a language barrier or a national sadness, could be overcome.

^Did you realize this, just because of a thumbs up? I find it quite amazing, how you 'realized' that 'ANYTHING' can be overcome, just because your little helper gave you a thumbs up...perhaps 'anything' is a bit too broad of a word.

Also, earlier, you had focused on the 'physical and emotional scars' of the two elderly people. Then, you say, that the young ones ' were the first generation that hadn't been directly affected by the Khmer Rouge'

^So, whilst the previous generation are 'sad', you kind of suggest that the younglings are not necessarily, 'sad', but are perhaps more oppressed due to the movement but do have the opportunities to 'outgrow it'. Alright, but then in that case, does it necessarily make it a 'national sadness'. From what I can interpret from your essay, the youthful are more hopeful, than sad.

I was in Tanzania last year, and did some volunteer work with some Masaii tribes, and even though the children's living standards and circumstances are totally different from mine, they did not seem 'sad'. Perhaps, it is 'saddening' to see people's lives be completely contrasted to ours.


^What exactly are you trying to say? I think your essay is quite well written, and naturally, the hardest parts to write are the introduction and the conclusion and these should aim to be the most striking in some way. Particularly the conclusion in my opinion. What are you trying to conclude here? Also, you should mention how this experience has 'influnced' you as a person.

Graduate / "Pursuit of knowledge" - My SOP for Software Engineering [8]

The days of my undergraduate study helped me to get sound knowledge and a firm graspsoverof the principles underlying the course of Information and Communication Engineering and has also equipped me with the necessary prerequisites for a formal graduate course. Take stock of the fluidity and the fast rate of obsolescence of the developments in this field, I have alwaysstrivestriven hard to keep myself abreast of the latest trends by going through the journals of IEEE Transactions on Software Engineering

*In reference to the bold parts, I am did not quite understand it. I think your grammar is to blame. 'Take stock of the fluidity'...that kind of puzzled me.

As it is absolutely necessary for everyone to be acquainted with computers, I have learnt 'C' and 'C++' then my interest grows on programming language.

*Not necessarily.

After then I have learnt Visual Basic and developed a library management software with the help of another two friends. After the successfully completion of that software I have decided to build my career on software engineering. After that I have developed different kinds of softwares using different languages. And presently I am working with php. I have also worked with Java, Visual Basic, C and C++. Also I have little experience on Prolog and Haskell.

^You say 'after that' too many times. I can see that you have his propensity to forget to include certain, basic words, such as 'the'.

My present job has helped me to develop different types of live services for different mobile phone operators. The industry environments that I am currently in do not support my desire for research. I possess industry-hardened skills in Computer Languages, but I must build on these to achieve my goal of undertaking cutting-edge research in Software Engineering.

^You should say over here, why do you want to research, or what is responsible for your 'desire to research'. Why do you actually want to bother studying all over again? You should mention this. It is quite important.

I therefore believe that I must return to the academic world for further growth.
^Like I said before, why do you need this further intellectual growth. What is the importance of it to you?

As the Software Engineering talk about software, I would say that system specification, writing programs, testing and integrating code, creating maintainable code and documentation should be the major aspects. Missing any of them even workable software can hardly be used.

^ALl of this needs grammar revision.

Documentation can help to make softwares visible and. quality assurance , which is also an aspect of Software Engineering, concerns the quality of software. Tools, the aspect of Software Engineering help to gear up software development. I am interested to do my research on the above aspects.

^But why? Also, you just say what these different topics are. You kind of give us a definition. I doubt that the Admissions Committee is reading your definitions to be honest. Rather, it would want to hear, why do these topics interest you. Why do you want to research them?

I believe that my perseverance, originality, talents and enthusiasm will distinguish me from other students and would help my success as a graduate student.
^What proof do you have of any of the things I have highlighted in bold. Do you have anything that can demonstrate your originality, or your enthusiasm, or your talent. Perhaps you can link it to you library software package. Perhaps. How have you shown perseverance?

I am confident that I will be able to meet the demands and requirements of the research in your university.
^Why try to meet? Try and exceed? Think of a better closing line. This one is just so boring and overused.

*Ok, I kind of get the impression that this SOP is only a ten minute job. The amount of thought that went to this appears to be quite low. You do not seem to be too focused on your academic interests, why you have these academic interests, and why you want to develop them...

Revise your essay, and expand and develop so that you can come off as a stronger candidate. This essay, looks like as if you did it just for the heck of it, or that you have not put too much effort into it. If the Admissions Committee sense either of these, or even both, then it is highly unlikely that they will be as uninterested in your application. Work on your essay.

Hmm alright. I can see that Simone and I worked on this pretty much at the same time. I looked at her revisions, and that paragraph which I had earlier found quite difficult to understand, has become a lot clearer after her revisions. Implement those changes in your essay as well.

Undergraduate / "Significant Experience" essay - need advice on the content of this essay [22]

^Great points Sean. I am disappointed with myself that I did not comment that the hermaphrodites are not homosexuals, and therefore, the 'Gay law' will not apply to them.

Sean also brings up another good point. In India, it is often a slang insult to call someone an intersexual. (I have heard these insults before...)Are you sure that the people you saw were actually hermaphrodites, and that the onlookers did not just yell out vituperative remarks at them because of some previously stemmed hatred, rather than because the two people were hermaphrodites?

Perhaps, you should consider discussing how you know that those two people were hermaphrodites...

Undergraduate / "My Name" - Common Application short answer essay [8]


^Hmmm. That would make sense. I thought Vishal's activity was just saying 'Vishal Patel, representing the delegation of Gabon'

I was led to that assumption, because that is how he starts the essay off.
Then, he says 'Though I speak these words only a few days a year, I have come to cherish them'
^So effectively, he is implying that he says these words, and since he cherishes them. Alright,

'This is how I introduce myself at a Model UN Conference. Joining the club following a friend's advice, I have come to appreciate it.'

^It is only assumable that he appreciates introducing himself, with those seven words.

So the question here is, what is the activity. Saying those seven words, are some membership at the Model UN Conference. If it the latter Vishal, I suggest completely removing the introductory lines, and just focus on your role at the Model UN Conference. If it is the former however, then read my suggestions above. In my previous post that is

Undergraduate / AP biology - University of Florida Admissions Essay [4]

I was moving away from all my relatives and all themy friends I had been going to school with since pre-school.

When I got to Naples I had a hard time making new friends; it was like moving to another planet. Everyone had different interests and personalities than those of my Chicago friends. No one thought the things we liked were cool.

^Try and not to use the word 'cool'. Perhaps, 'entertaining'?

They all had accounts on a website called Neopets, where they had little digital pets, I had never even heard of Neopets.
^'They'. For a second, I thought you were talking about your Chicago friends. make the reference more clear.

The fact that I was overweight didn'tdid not help much either, but after awhile I was able to adapt and find my own little niche. I was able to grow as a person and gainmake many friends. One of the biggest contributions was my joining band. It was like being in a big family. In fact the majority of my friends I met from the band. Everyone tends to stick together and help each other. I also intend to join band at UF. The other place I made a lot of friends in was my AP classes and JROTC classes.

I learned responsibility and many leadership qualities in JROTC, and met a lot of smart kids in my AP courses that have been in the same classes as me since my first AP in my freshman year.

^What to you is responsiblity, or leadership? Perhaps, you should give an example to prove that you learned these qualities. Then, you have proved it, and we can also see what you mean by these terms.

Also, how are these kids 'smart'. That is quite belittling to the other people in your school firstly. Secondly, what makes these kids 'smart'. Their academic grades, or their conceptual knowledge, or both?

If you were to try and teach them how to find the answers they would have no part in it, they were just interested in being lazy burdens to those who actually cared enough to learn the material.

^Do not use 'you'

Once I got in AP biology I was never asked for homework answers, but instead they would ask if I could help them study, which I was happy to do.

^Who is they.

I am sure that the students at UF are like the students I was friends with in the AP classes, and that I will easily develop good relationships with them. I also look forward to becoming part of the tight-knit band community present at UF.

^Are you sure that the students will be the same? You had problems developing friendships in the past. You make it sound, as if you are certain, that this will not be the case at UF.

Ok. The essay question asked you to describe a 'meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life'
^Quite frankly, I do not know which one you answered.
Was your meaninful accomplishment making friends?
Or was the meaningful experience part of being in the band/ AP Science class (I suggest you focus on one)

You talk about too many different things, therefore, you are not answering the prompt. This reflects poorly
Choose one meaningful thing to you, develop and analyze it, and evaluate it to tell readers how this meaningful thing will 'affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community'

Undergraduate / influential person my father [4]

My father has always been the most influential person in my life hands done . He has taught me the true meaning of life: god, family, honesty, ambition and etc.

^Etc...I think readers would be interested in knowing what is your definition of 'life'.
By the way, did he teach you values, or the meaning of life?

He also motivated me to a career that I know I was destined for, but to blind to see and that my friends is to be a medical doctor.

My father Dr. Toby B. Okons was born on the west coast of Africa in a place called Nigeria.
^I think most people know Nigeria. Perhaps if you said that he was born in the same city as Nwanko Kanu, that could prompt some confusion. But Nigeria, I think everyone knows. So you do not have to say 'a place called Nigeria'. It kind of shows that you think your readers are ignorant, or at least, unknowing, both of which can be interpreted as insulting.

Being the youngest out of 6 he managed to hold down the household at the early age of 12.
^Spell your numbers.

Because of his father my grandfather was diagnosed with Glaucoma.
^??I do not get it. Are you trying to say that your great grandfather had glaucoma and passed it on to your grandfather?

Having little treatment to help my grandfather out he quickly lost his vision therefore living my father with the burdens of taking care of his family.

^Ok. Grammar revision needed.

Well, if your father is the most influential person, discuss what makes him so important to you as a person. What has he done that has taught you something that you believe is useful? Expand on those, and tell us how it has 'influnced' you. You know what your father has done. WHatever you believe has been truly meaninful, and has helped shaped your personality, then write about it.

Undergraduate / "my inner characteristics to shine" - UCF prompt Contribute to UCF community [7]

I'veI have begu n to notice a dramatic difference between the way I live my lifein my life and that of my friend' s.

I have come to the realization of the immeasurable importance of the decisions we make now in life, that we are forging the path our lives will take. Others still appear to have a lackadaisical lifestyle, simply watching as the world spins around them.

^Hmmm..You say 'we', and then in the next sentence 'others'. Who, or what groups of people, are you specifically referring to? Also, how did you just come to this realization?

I have grasped the concept that I must take the initiative and take action in order for my goals to come to fruition,from the most simple to the complex.

^Most simple to complex actions or goals?

Realizing that every decision makes a difference, I have developed a characteristic of intense leadership for myself. I am beginning to live my life to the fullest.

^Living your life to the fullest, is your definition of 'intense leadership?'
That is alright. Everyone is entitled to their own interpretations of intense leadership. However, the ambiguity in 'living life to the fullest' is something else. Some people could interpret that as just partying twenty four seven. Whilst that is cool, you need to consider if this is the assumption you want the Admissions Committee to have about you...

People can come to this assumption, seeing as how you have not actually defined by what you mean when you say you are living life to it's fullest.

I have only recently allowed my inner characteristics to shine through. One example of this was my attempt to get a job. The restaurant where I had been working closed. For months I went out after wrestling practice looking for employment. Times were really hard economically and no one was hiring, but I kept going time after time. I finally landed my present job at Papa John's and I'mI am thrilled. I have strived to develop my skill at forming a mound of dough into a delectable pizza. Within a month my general manager and supervisor took notice of my continuous improvements and the effort I put into all of the other components of the restaurant. I'mI am now shift supervisor and it feels great .

Although I know this is part-time summer job, I'm proud of it and I believe that this shows my strong work ethic, as do my grades .

^So which inner characteristics did you allow to 'shine through'? You do not go into detail about them, let alone mention any other besides strong work ethic. Perhaps then, it should be 'characteristic'.

I will make a good Knight and contribute to the UCF community by being the best me I can be.
^Is that really your ending?

Essays / "The Curious incident of the dog......."-Christopher's change & lessons learned [26]

Well, Christopher does learn about his parent's marital problems and that his mother was cheating on the father, and then the father began an affair with his neigbour. He learnt that his father hid the letters his mom sent him, and learns that his mother is not dead, but in fact alive. What he does not process however, is the reasons as to why the father did this, because Chris is emotionally stunted.

I am not sure if Chris changes that much. He still continues to digress off topic from chapter to chapter.
See what other people think in regards to the change part, it will be interesting actually...