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Posts by nkp28
Name: Nancy Perez
Joined: Nov 2, 2014		 Last Post: Jan 7, 2015
Threads: 1
Posts: 20  
From: United States of America
School: Toms River East

Displayed posts: 21
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nkp28   
Jan 7, 2015
Undergraduate / "One never stops learning until one dies" USC academic interests essay by "Undeclared" major student [5]

I think it may be benefiial for you to specifically touch upon what brought about your interest in whatever your choice of majors are. Maybe delve into a specific instance where you became certain that psychology was the path for you to pursue. Also as EF_Kevin has said, it would be to your benefit to cite specific classes and professors and talk about how that would quench your thirst for knowledge in the pursuit f those subjects. Good Luck!
nkp28   
Jan 1, 2015
Undergraduate / From 2015 ability to buy or sell unhealthy snacks and drinks at school has been removed [3]

One thing to keep in mind: this prompt acts about how it affects YOU. I think you either need to choose something that more directly affects you in some personal sense, OR you need to make it so this seems more personal or less research paper-y. You have amazing facts and ideas going on her, but you need to interject yourself more and talk about why YOU are so passionate about this issue, not teachers.

Aside from that the only criticism I have is that I think it may be beneficial to separate this essay into paragraphs to signify the transition from idea to idea, point to point, and to also make it an easier read for adcoms, not just literally, but on the eyes as well! If you update your response at all, I would be more than happy to read it, I wish you the best of luck, I know you can do it!! (I'm with you on the due by midnight thing, would you mind checking my essay out?)
nkp28   
Jan 1, 2015
Scholarship / Some drastic changes in my life: moving from Mexico to North Carolina, preparing for a college [9]

What is the scholarship for? Some context may help us better understand where you are coming from..

I think it may be a bit of a stretch to compare your five year old self with your current self, maybe try a more recent event or elaborate a little more on the idea of your siblings leaving you behind, elaborate as to how this changed you, or how its as significant a change as the other milestones you mentioned, just because I don't exactly understand what constitutes your siblings leaving you behind but its a thought provoking idea.

You really know your stuff, and that truly shines through this essay!! My only other criticisms are that you break the essay up into paragraphs so as to make it an easier read and separate the ideas you present and that you spend a little more time elaborating on those last two sentences where you talk about the scholarship helping you, because that really is the point of the question and the meat and potatoes of what they want to see. Just expand a little on how exactly it will help take the burden off of your family, and how it could change your life permitting you to pursue engineering!

But overal, very well thought out, and I love how descriptive you are in your experiences!
nkp28   
Jan 1, 2015
Undergraduate / You're drinking Starbucks? Stereotypical ignorant white girl. It's probably not even actual coffee. [4]

Stereotypes reflect a certain innate human tendency to group certain people based on extraneous characteristics. In an attempt by humans to neatly organize their world into acceptable and unacceptable, complex individual variance is neglected. Faced with a stereotype, there are two perceived courses of action: compliance with the stereotype so as to feel comfort and solace, or defiance against the stereotype to feel unique and distinct. These actions both hold the power for the stereotype to induce a self-fulfilling prophesied behavior as both actions are dependent on what the stereotype itself says.

I think you have a wonderfully assertive personality, but maybe try to focus a little more on how the stereotype affected you? Honestly really liked this response though (and the way you vividly describe your experiences, bravo!)
nkp28   
Jan 1, 2015
Undergraduate / Camp Nou. It was the first time when I watched the Spanish national football derby, "El Clásico". [2]

I really think you get a clear understanding of your personality from this and you are able to clearly picture how Football has affected your personality and shaped the person you have become, as well as how that influenced your pursuit of Spanish. Well done! There may be a few grammar mistakes here and there, but I think you answered the prompt impeccably!
nkp28   
Jan 1, 2015
Undergraduate / "Akari" - "Do you like Japanese boys?" [4]

I think it would be beneficial to elaborate on how your experience with Akari shaped you and how you've used that experience going forward. I echo the comment written before me ^
nkp28   
Jan 1, 2015
Undergraduate / "I don't feel you're well suited for the role of the King"; essay about a time I experienced failure [3]

I like this, but you need to focus more on your transformation rather than setting the scene on your failure. The thought-provoking part of this prompt that adcoms will be looking for is the way you changed from your failure and how that change affected you. I think you could elaborate a little more on the aftermath of your failure and how that affected you moving forward!
nkp28   
Jan 1, 2015
Undergraduate / The Fashion of Business - 'some atypical decisions could spark a change for the better' [3]

I don't really know what the context of your intro is without reading the essay in its entirety, so I'm not sure as to whether or not this really is a good intro for you. But I would say that this is a bit wordy in parts, and you seem to be trying to use "big" words, but I don't know if that's just your writing style or not. I would however suggest that you make your essay intro a little bit more cohesive and easy to follow by manipulating the language to flow a bit better, and its way too long for just an intro, I don't think it gives you enough room to get to the point that matters about you, try breaking it up into paragraphs and getting right to the meat and potatoes of the essay..you!. ...

I didn't really touch upon the "second paragraph" of the intro because I'm not really sure what the purpose of some of it is... you mention Greggory Pitts your father, but I wonder why you mention him by name? Is he an alumna of one of the colleges youre applying to? I don't know, and some adcoms may have the same question, but I understand that the second half is a sort of transition segueing into the meat and potatoes, but I don't know how to help without seeing the rest and seeing whether or not its cohesive, but I wish you lots of luck! This is a very interesting topic, sort of the dress the part type of thing!!!
nkp28   
Dec 31, 2014
Undergraduate / I've always found the term Alien offensive not because it's malicious [5]

This is such a powerful piece, not only because you're a verys strong writer and you "showed and not telled" which was brilliant, but as previously stated you spoke from the heart. I really enjoyed the fact that this answered the prompt perfectly, because I can only imagine that this is a big part of who you are. Kudos to you my friend! The only difficulty I see derives from having just read your Brown Supplement. Don't change your main essay in the slightest when it comes to context, but make sure that each essay tells about a different part/side of you, see each supplement as an opportunity to show the adcoms something new about you that you have yet to touch upon anywhere else! But again great job!
nkp28   
Dec 31, 2014
Undergraduate / When my father was arrested by immigration I saw an opportunity to help him by learning about law [3]

I like this response a lot! The only thing I really noticed was tense. Just make sure you use the same tense all throughout. For example, I would recommend that your last sentence end in " and that was what drew me to it most." also, instead of saying "what piece of the puzzle I joined" I would say "which piece of the puzzle I became" but I wish you the best! :)
nkp28   
Dec 31, 2014
Undergraduate / Reign of Greed, The Passion of Christ, Manila bulletin, society chalange, events, historical moments [3]

Just double check that the school you're applying to doesn't require that your answers be presented in paragraph form, but other than that I really like your responses. However for the last response, which historical event would you have like to have beared witness to, I think you would be better suited to answer in paragraph/sentence form, solely because broken apart into statements it can come off as choppy, rather than a flowing stream of thought. Maybe try: "I wish to witness Martin Luther King's "I have a dream.." speech, for he called upon the nation, and soon after the world, to initiate a change that still resonates today. I want to help advocate his beliefs so that I too can further his message." 46 words
nkp28   
Nov 2, 2014
Undergraduate / Georgetown: Karate, Non-quitting Spirit, and Moving forward! [8]

I posted this before reading your comment. I didnt use SAT words on purpose, this is just the nature of my writing style and my vocabulary I guess. I'm just struggling with the personal aspect of the essay, I'm just not used to writing about myself, nor my specific experiences. Thank you for your advice though
nkp28   
Nov 2, 2014
Undergraduate / My goal is to help women and protect the environment - Pitzer Supplement [4]

I like your opening and I can see that you are passionate about empowering both women and the environment, but make your essay meaningful. I think you should look back through and make sure that you aren't just repeating the same ideas over and over again, find synonyms for worlds and just cut down sentences. It's okay to make things come full circle at the end, but don't keep repeating the same idea over and over, and also just separate your essay into paragraphs.
nkp28   
Nov 2, 2014
Undergraduate / Comment/Suggestions for Semester at Sea Application Essay [3]

I think you have a really good essay going for you with a lot of potential, but I think you need to be a bit more specific. What do you hope the world will teach you? What do you hope the trip to Ghana or South Africa or Morocco can teach you - thats what part of the prompt seems to be looking for in the end, so I think it may be worthwhile to focus the third paragraph on that and then maybe create a 4th paragraph conclusion that addresses how you want to see the world but also go to school. My only other advice is to avoid over-generalizations. But like I said before I really like your approach! Maybe focus a bit more attention on the sheltered uprbringing, could be a cool angle!

Would you mind looking at my essay?
nkp28   
Nov 2, 2014
Undergraduate / Georgetown: Karate, Non-quitting Spirit, and Moving forward! [8]

I would really appreciate some feedback on this, I'm not finished, after this I want to transition into maybe how tenacity has shaped me in dbeate or programming or something that has to do with problem solving and then transition into how this will help me in the future as I study International Relations: good plan, yes, no, maybe so? Whatever feedback anyone has I would greatly appreciate it and I'll thoroughly look at you essays!!

THANK YOU

The Prompt: ALL APPLICANTS: As Georgetown is a diverse community, the Admissions Committee would like to know more about you in your own words. Please submit a brief essay, either personal or creative, which you feel best describes you. (Up to one page)

It was the fifth and final round, less than two minutes remained. My heartbeat thumped thorugh my ears as I looked up at the looming figure before me. My last opponent was a robust eleven year old boy heavier and taller than I, with two years on me to bout and all of the Herculean strength that I lacked. Mercilessly brutish, his every blow robbed me of breath. With each roundhouse, crippling pain surged through my joints. But with my resolve uncompromised, I employed a change in strategy. Instead of fighting fire with paper, I would extinguish his flame by exhausting his will. Employing evasive maneuvers, I waited. His resolve dissipated quickly and empowered by adrenaline, I summoned the last surge of my strength to unleash a stream of round-ending punches that gained me my black belt.

Karate is a paradigm of the human psyche. Each roundhouse and hook is reflective of one's inner sense of self. My sensei often emphasized the values implicit in each jab and cross. Bemused I would wonder, what do my uppercuts reveal? For the longest while this question remained a mystery, but now having thrown thousands of uppercuts I have come to find my answer: tenacity.

The value of tenacity has molded my every endeavor; it is the foundation for my successes, especially in learning Arabic. For a native English speaker such as myself, everything about the language is foreign: the consonant-rich phonology, the guttural R's, the connected nature of the script, and even the unorthodox writing directions. I have had to spend countless hours listening to Arabic radio broadcasts, completing online sessions with native speakers, and reading Alif Baa lesson plans just so that I can introduce myself, but dedicating my time to learn the language has provided me with more than just a simple introduction; it has provided me with an open door to my future where I can pursue my passions freely.

Although it may sound cliché, challenging myself both academically and physically has come to convince me that I can overcome obstacles that stand in my way, and I can do so with confidence. It is with this same attitude that I pursue my passion for international relations.
nkp28   
Nov 2, 2014
Undergraduate / My heart was thumping as the plane hurtled down the runway, on the way to Europe [2]

... I was about to be away from my parents for a whole month in a foreign country which country? . While it was scary at first, I learned a lot of valuable lessons from the experience that have helped me become the youngI would stay away from juxtaposing young and adult, it negates the meaning of growing up in a way? , confident adult I am today.

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