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Posts by akhfan
Name: Akhmad Affandi
Joined: Dec 13, 2014
Last Post: Jan 1, 2016
Threads: 5
Posts: 9  
Likes: 3
From: Indonesia
School: Fandy

Displayed posts: 14
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Jan 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Pollution and decreasing its effects on people and how to increase it [2]

Environmental problems such as pollution and climate change affect all the people in the world. Although global decision are made to reduce these problems, the solutions are not effective. Why are the solutions ineffective ? How can these problems (It means that you have to focus on two problems) be solved?

You have to underline Pollution and Climate Change in order to explain in your introduction.

Some environmentalists believe that many attendances (what do you mean by attendances?, It is a vague words) to reduce these effects are not useful.
For addressing these problems , there are several better solutions. This essay is explained about these reasons and affective effective solutions .


Let me try to rewrite your thesis statement.

Although International policy makers have introduced the rules in order to overcome these problems, there is no significant result. I firmly believe that there are some reasons why this is happened and how to cope these ironical problems.
Mar 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / Preventing crime is the viable benefit of using body scanner and CCTV - IELTS [5]

Same people believe that technological tolls such as body scanners and CCTV have significantly enhanced our safety and security, while others fell that they have resulted in a loss of privacy. Do the benefits of those items outweigh their disadvantage?

The demands of safety and security increase in conjunction with crime phenomena nowadays. Sophisticated tolls ore invented to prevent such as biometric and closed-circuit television (CCTV). Some citizen believe that biometrics and CCTV disturb each individual right to privacy while others argue that these inventions upgrade tranquility in public area. Both views have merits and demerits. I personally argue that this has more positive to prevent criminal actions and efficiency aspect rather than to consider about privacy.

Preventing crime is the viable benefit of using body scanner and CCTV. This is because biometric guarantee the society against offender by analyzing the uniqueness of biological characteristics which are different each person. For instance, face scanner in some Japanese banks are utilized before the costumers can enter. This can ensure the tranquility in the bank as a vulnerable place. As a result, these sophisticated tolls create safe atmosphere in public area.

In addition, this equipment is also efficient because people do not need to bring special key to access their property. For example, some airports in Malaysia use biometric face to correspond passengers with their luggage so an official airport does not need to match passengers' case manually. Consequently, by utilizing this technology, people can do many activities efficiently.

However, CCTV and variants of biometric scanners irritate privacy. Irresponsible person usually use the recording of those sophisticated devices in an inappropriate way. To illustrate, CCTV has the same function as paparazzi is that it can record a shame action. Absolutely, every person who is recorded by CCTV will be disturbed especially if the shame video spread around public. As a result people feel uncomfortable because of CCTV.

The aforementioned evidence shows that although biometrics and CCTV irritate people privacies, this equipment has more advantages to prevent crime and create tranquility and efficient aspect in helping daily life. Where possible, government should make regulation about the way of using in public area.

Feb 20, 2015
Writing Feedback / The rush exchange information is monopolized by media nowadays [3]

The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationships of celebrities such as actors, singers or footballers. They should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

The rush exchange information is monopolized by media nowadays. Illustrious people are exposed to public regularly although some people argue that media should focus on spreading of common people instead. I firmly believe that media have more advantages if they report ordinary people rather than expose outstanding people. This is because common people provide rewarding of moral values and tangible condition of human whereas the news of famous people provides more hedonism lifestyle recently.

Blowing up ordinary people as an object of news brings viewer to realize moral value. This can educate citizens because ordinary people especially who live under poverty line create the sense of gratefulness. For instance, a youngster in South-Eastern Africa, William Kamkwanba, inspired other children in his village because he build a series of windmills to generate electricity and attracted the attention of media. As a result, many teenagers were inspired to learn science. From this case, moral value like the way of person to deliver aid can be emerged.

On the other hand, the news of outstanding people supplies luxury, redundancy, and comfortable zone which cause our citizen following their hedonism lifestyle. It is evidence that most of famous lifestyles influence the viewers to follow their manner like using well-know branded product as en extravagant activity. Consequently, the citizen is created as a hedonism person.

In conclusion, reporting ordinary people shows positive impact to improve the sense of moral value like gratefulness. Where possible,the media should provide the information in balance position to expose famous or ordinary people.

Feb 6, 2015
Writing Feedback / Three possible locations of the wind turbine; under the sea, on top of a hill or near a local house. [2]

The diagrams below show the design for a wind turbine and its location.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons were relevant.

The diagrams show how to utilize the wind blast for generating electricity and where the most potential place for installation. In general, while the wind turbine can produce electricity trough natural power, its installation may cause a number of obstacles related to the location and the amount of electricity that people want to use.

The turbine consists of three blade are connected by a generator as a center of the turbine. The generator has a function as changing movement energy to trigger electrify. The process starts when the wind blows trough the blade-fiberglass or blade-wood. The process will produce 1.5 megawatts, but the computer operator has to control the turbine which is connected with wind sensor to obtain an appropriate angle and direction.

The wind turbine has three possibility locations. The tower steel can be placed under the sea, but it can produce less electricity because the landscape not spoiled. Alternatively, the turbine tower steel can generate more electricity if it is located on the top of a hill which has maximum wind strengths. Also, for domestic turbine which just produces 100 kilowatts, it can be set up near a local house.

Feb 6, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - A Wind Turbine for Harnessing Renewable Energy [8]

it will be better if you write the first sentence as the main idea.

Ex: The tower of wind turbine has two possibilities in setting up. It can be placed on the hill, and It also can be installed under the sea. ...
Dec 16, 2014
Writing Feedback / Chocolate bar is made by Theobroma cacao. The first step in making chocolate is grinding. [IELTS] [3]

The diagram compares the procedure of chocolate-making and the percentage distribution of the chocolate bar cost for five sectors. It can be seen that cocoa butter and cocoa powder are two products which is produced by pressing while chocolate bar is made in chocolate factory with additions of cocoa butter and sugar. By contrast, farmer just accepted a very small proportion than others.

Chocolate bar is made by Theobroma cacao. The first step in making chocolate is grinding. Cocoa seed is grinded by machine until the liquor of the cacao separate with its waste. Second, the cacao liquor will be processed to become cocoa powder for food industry, cocoa butter, and chocolate bar. In making cocoa butter and cocoa powder is processed by pressing while chocolate bar can be made in industrial chocolate with adding some sugar and cocoa butter.

When the chocolate bar has been produced, all contributors in producing chocolate bar will receive the profit in per cent for every chocolate bar cost. As we can see at pie chart, the cost of chocolate bar is divided into five figures. The cost of ingredient and production has the highest proportion more than a third around 37%. It is following with the supermarket which accepts 34%. By contrast, the farmer just receives a very small proportion of chocolate bar cost at 4% while the proportion of tax at 15% and chocolate factory 10% higher than the percentage of farmer trend.

Dec 16, 2014
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Writing Task 1 - Average Band Point of IELTS General Test for Some Different Participants [6]

French participants were in the second position of the highest overall point of 6.7 whereas the Malay and the Indonesian participants were following closely with overall points of 6.5 and 6.4 in a row.

the word "highest" is not necessary.

In On other hand, despite Malay participant stood in the second lowest position, they hit the highest point in reading test among other country groups.
Dec 14, 2014
Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 1] The Number of Travellers Using Three Major Airports In New York City [3]

The bar chart reveals about New York City visitors at three kinds of airport namely John F.Kennedy, LaGuardia, and Newark. It was measured by millions for six-year period between 1995 and 2000.

Generally, it can be seen that the number of passengers at John F.Kennedy airport fluctuated around six years until the end of period whereas two others airport witnessed a steadily increase. Another conspicuous trend was that LaGuardia airport became the favorite selection at the end.

Specifically, John F.Kennedy airport had the number of travelers at 26 millions then it went up to 47 millions in 1997 as the peak of its passengers. It indicated John F.Kennedy airport higher than two others only in 1997.In 1999, there was the declining trend to 32 million while LaGuardia and Netwark airport had significant growth. By contrast, at the end of time frame, there was a slight evolvement of John F.Kennedy airport to 44 millions.

Besides, LaGuardia airport started at 35 millions then it rose year by year until 1999 and climbed significantly around 70 millions. Newark airport also grew gradually for the next three years. It began at 16 to 42 million and remained stable for the last three years.