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Posts by btrfly7
Name: Candace Ingram
Joined: Mar 11, 2015
Last Post: Mar 26, 2015
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Posts: 15  
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From: United States of America
School: California State University Los Angeles

Displayed posts: 15
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btrfly7   
Mar 26, 2015
Graduate / I believe images are one of the best ways to educate people. SOP for Illustration MFA in SCAD [4]

I believe images are one of the best ways to educate people. Since I was young, I've always used drawings and paintings as a way to express and communicate my feelings,.now I want to use and expand my abilities to help people with them.

You may want to insert: Now I want to broaden my abilities and skills in ways that will help others.

I have lived my whole life in Peru, an impressive country full of wonderfully rich cultures and globally known food, with so much room to keep growing.and food, such as # and # that have international appeal. There is still room for growth even though it is still a developing country
However, it's still a developing country, where discrimination from different institutions such as # and # is painfully present in our everyday life. As a queer person, I have seen how many people like me growstruggle without knowing or being able to express what they are feeling,feelings.This makes peoplemaking them extremely vulnerable to discrimination and self hate. This I believe this is mostly caused by a lack of exposure and understandingknowledge about sexuality and gender identity, and theircoupled with adherence to outdated status as "taboo" theme.

During my last years of collegeConsequently , I decided I would dedicate my senior thesis to this issue. I wanted to create an illustrated fairytale where queer people would be able to seeimaginethemselves inside the characters and their struggles, giving them the opportunity to feel safe and accepted.themselves through the struggles of the characters, providing a platform to feel safe and accepted.I wished to create a story that would help people like me,My desire is to create a story that would help people like me - a story that would have helped me when I was a child. A year later - and a lot of research later as well -, I still want to dedicate my career to the exposure of queer themes, addressing them as many times as possible, reaching out to as many children and adults as I'm able to reachpresenting them in a variety of settings to adults and children alike. . These problems need visibility, especially in Latino countries like Peru, helpingto help future queer generations live as peacefully and fully as everyone else.

I have been drawing for almost half my life, and loved every illustration class I have been able to take, they take. They
gave me a space to explore that passion I've had for so long, but they were limited, oriented to graphic designers - not full time illustrators.

...as an artist, and left me eager to learn so many other things.

...Peruvian Sierra with their legal procedures,- helping them find their lost loved ones, or obtaining medical and financial support.

Knowing my characters and illustrations are helping people has made me feel complete;- It is my confirmation about how important this work is for me.reassuring me about how important this is for me. After this experience, I have no doubts this is the right career for me, and that I will keep finding ways of using my illustrations to help others.

I learned about SCAD when I was fourteen while I was slowly learning how to draw, and I knew I wanted to study there. Now, almost ten years later, I'm trying to fulfill that childhood dream, trying to create the future I've always wanted, in the field I love the most. The timing wasn't right when I finished high school, but after everything I have lived and learned during these years, I am certain now is the time, and that Savannah will be the perfect start for my illustration journey.

reply / quote

Hello Santhiago! I have made some punctuation, wording, and grammar suggestions here for you. I hope you find them helpful. Just one thing to be mindful of is that shorter sentences are easier to comprehend. This will limit the use of commas within the sentence. Good going!
btrfly7   
Mar 25, 2015
Undergraduate / LIBRARY: SECOND HOME (QUESTBRIDGE SHORT RESPONSE) [4]

My only resort was the public library.

My only resort was the public library. (Just add a bit about why this was your only resort. Something like: "...because it provided the tools I needed to complete my assignments and...") It was my second home because I could escape to magical places by reading books."

2nd paragraph should begin..."The children section was and still is full but the teen section is almost isolated" because it is a new topic.

..." just want to get money to assimilate tokeep up with the latest trends."

NIce start here. Just remember to begin new paragraphs with new topics because it makes for a clearer understanding for the reader. Also, when proofing your draft, it is a good idea to elaborate with more details in an area where the reader is left wondering why? or what? as in paragraph one here. Good luck!
btrfly7   
Mar 23, 2015
Undergraduate / 'scientific research is strongly promoted here' - Macalester supplement [3]

fostered scientific research is

...fostered scientific research is"how scientific research is fostered"
...Twins Cities allows for nearly endless ...allows nearly endless
...students research projects ...students' research projects
...available like the Student-Faculty Summer Research collaboration, the Beckman Foundation, etc. ...available, like

In the words of Marie Curie: "A scientist in his laboratory is not only a technician:, he is also a child placed before natural phenomena which impresses him like a fairy tale." I am also among those who think science is just as magical as any fairy tale,; and how can I not? The entire genomes of every living organismsareis made up from only four different bases of DNA in various arrangements; our. Our every thought and action comecomes down to the firing of neurons; activities of the minuscule molecule called enzyme in the cells are what keeping me alivethat keep one alive ; and countless more phenomena that await the analysis of the human minds...

(new paragraph) Being in a research laboratory for me is an exploration of the magic of life. Being at Macalester, subsequently, will give me so many chances to do just that. Internships programs facilitated by the Academic Internship Programs are abundant as well. Having such wonderful opportunities for research and internship will teach me how to integrate theoretical knowledge gained in classrooms and apply such knowledge in a real world setting, which I believe is the integral part of a well-rounded education.

Academic goals aside, I am optimistic to thriveabout thriving in this diverse community.

...with joining organization such as... ...with joining organizations such as...

and involve numerous civic engagement programs. Such multitude of avenues on campus will allow for self-discovery as well as shaping and solidifying my identity as a Macalester student....and being involved...Such a multitude...shape and solidify...

When given the chance, I expect to make the most out of my time at Macalester College.Love this line! That's what I was getting out of this essay too!

It is a school where a vast array of opportunities for research and internships are available and still allowingallows for close relationships with members for the faculty and where a wide range of extracurricular activities will help me discover myself while being an active member on campus who seeks to give back to the community.

Great going, Cordyceps! Just watch the little articles like "the, a, of," from time to time in your text. You have provided quite a bit of examples and support for what you will do at Macalester, and in addition, your essay shows that you have done some research and put the thought about how this experience can benefit you so you can benefit your community. Good luck!
btrfly7   
Mar 23, 2015
Undergraduate / 'Academics, bookwork, school' - Quest Bridge Biographical Essay [3]

After seven years had passed, my mother was finally able to gain legal residency in the United States for both her and Ime. .

peaceful, trouble freetrouble-free

two year college two-year

"However, my academic achievements went beyond just achieving for the sake of my mother's work."**you may want to be specific with an academic achievement or achievements here, just to show something concrete you have lent to the struggle on your on merit.

K9chilly, this essay flows very well! It definitely has a beginning, middle, and an end and has momentum that shows a conflict/struggle that was resolved, albeit only to reach and resolve a new set of circumstances. In the end, the message this essay has left me with is that your mother's hard work has not been accomplished in vain, and you are honoring it by standing at the helm as a role model for future generations. Good going here!
btrfly7   
Mar 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / My beloved mother! Good housewife and cook. [3]

Hello Maryla! This essay is very clear and descriptive. You should try starting your essay with "My mother is a traditional woman who loves her children wholeheartedly and patiently" and then follow-up with additional details about your mother. The second paragraph details a more personal connection you have with your mother. So you may want to begin it by stating "My mother is not just a traditional mother, but she means very much to me." Then you can list the supporting sentences of "why" she means so much to you. Good going here!
btrfly7   
Mar 21, 2015
Scholarship / I have a mixed ancestry. My mother is Honduran, while my dad was Chinese. Hispanic Scholarship Fund. [3]

I have a mixed ancestry. My mother is Honduran, while my dad was Chinese. He is dead now. I was born in Honduras to a very open family. Although my mother's family is mostly traditionally evangelical, my mother was not. This, plus the fact that my dad was an atheist, has helped me shape a world perspective from scratch, which is highly influenced by what I read, experience, and reflect onupon .(Here, you could possibly add your thoughts as to whether this has positively or negatively affected the quality of your life in Honduras.) .

I grew up in a Chinese restaurant, well, in the floor above actually, until I was around ten. (What was it like growing up in a Chinese restaurant?) Then my mother, sister and I moved to a house of our own. By that time, my dad was already dead. He was killed in his own restaurant in Tegucigalpa, Honduras' capital, one month before he was expected to return to live with us. The reason he was living in Tegucigalpa, is that he and my mom had separated after a very serious physical fight. Because of this my childhood was also a little sad in addition to the fact that I did not have very many friends.)My childhood was a little sad. I did not have much friends.ThusTherefore, , I only concentrated in my studies. Because of my focus on academics, I have been the top student in my class since first grade.

Things changed when I changedtransferred schools. It was my first time in a bilingual school. Sure, I had had some English classes here and there, but I did not know much of the language, besides the basics. Nevertheless, the most important changeinfluence this new school had in my life has to do more with my persona. There,: I learned to value friendship, empathy and understanding of others.(Add why this change is important and perhaps give examples of friendship, empathy, and understanding of others

You're off to a good start here, just adding a bit more detail would certainly help the reader understand life in Honduras from your perspective a bit better, which is important here. Good going!
btrfly7   
Mar 15, 2015
Research Papers / Alternative Medicinal Oncology: Balancing Quality of Life with Quantity of Years [2]

... and improving the life of people dealing with cancer,; however, those considering alternative medicine should ...

... is both hopeful and realistic, aimed at elongatedextending the patient's life without creating ...

... it is important not to discount the life savinglife-saving modern medicine that has been ...
I myself witnessed the power of progression in oncology as I watchwatched my uncle, diagnosed ...

Nicely done. I made a few simple word-choice and small punctuation suggestions here. Love the examples you gave. Your essay definitely had momentum and a direct but kind voice to it. Just remember to indent the first line of each paragraph before submitting the final draft. Great going!
btrfly7   
Mar 15, 2015
Writing Feedback / These days everyone seems to have more and more possessions (e.g. computers, cars, mobile phones, et [2]

Hello, I am a students studying writing in English. Could you read my essay and fix if there are worng things?

... values such as being kind to others and having concern for others, which I strongly agree with.

To begin with, people living in materialistic societies are force (forced) to purchase many goods coming out every day, and they have to work hard to pay for those.

... some people cannot see the poverty or the disabled, because they merely do not ...

As well as thatIn addition to that , after buyingthe latest products as a reward of hard working, most people often spend their time exploiting them rather than having time with friends or families. For instance, smartphone users tend to be addicted to their cellphones, playing games and searching the internet. Therefore, they havespend more time with those intricate machines than with friends and families.

In conclusion, the desire to possess goods resultedgained from materialism makes people neglect precious human values as they have to work harder to buy products, which leads to lack of time to think about others. In addition,Sadly, after acquiring products, people are often addicted to those and have less time with other people.

Nice essay here! Very clear and to the point. You just have a few punctuation suggestions to attend to and a couple of word choice corrections. Great going!
btrfly7   
Mar 15, 2015
Scholarship / 'to impart negotiating skills' - Essay for Emory - Design an academic course [4]

The last section of the course series can serve as preparation for those who want to enter politics or being involved in world affairs. I will take this course to shape myself into a friendly ambassador, promoting international cooperation and communication. In Emory, I intend to apply the knowledge and skills acquired from the course to dealing with more challenging issues. Starting fromby becoming an asset of thewithin Student Government, I will take the role of coordinating with the school and the students to make things work better.

Great essay. Just remember to keep your tenses consistent. In this essay you can easily do this by replacing "will" with "would" because your essay is referring to an idea that may take place if you were given the opportunity to implement the idea. Other than that, this is a very clear and easy to follow course plan. Good going!
btrfly7   
Mar 15, 2015
Graduate / Successful completion of master degree and Griffith's master's program is integral to my goals [4]

My name is .... and I amwas born a born citizen of Pakistan.
My previous results are a reflection of my Academic Character (No capitalization needed for academic character) . I did my Matriculation(I matriculated in 2004 from .... I passed my Intermediate education in 2006 also from .... and then worked hard for my Bachelor of Science (Honors) with Major in Biology that I passed successfully from ...University in 2010. After having done my graduation, I completed M.Phil. in Environmental Sciences from a renowned institution ... in 2013. At the same time, I could not resist my love for a multicultural environment so I moved to Thailand. Learning a foreign language and getting soaked into an entirely new culture has helped me a lot to become an open-minded and understanding individual and is a fantastic experience where I started seeing the world and environment from a different perspective. Since I have been interacted with several nationalities, I can develophave developed a variety of viewpoints to solve problems.

Being brought up in a developing country like Pakistan has already made me conscious about the environment and sustainability issues and has always made me concerned about the environmental issues related to urbanization and human population growth. While living in Thailand, I learned that how the urbanization and land use has been changing the environment in the past few years and that the evaluation and incorporation of environmental measures are as important as issues of planning, structure, services, space and form. Seeing all this, I am convinced and . I found myself having a strong desire to do specialization in urban and environmental planning to learn more and to develop professional skills. After gaining as much knowledge as I can , I would like to expand my horizons to pursue an international education in the subject of my interest of urban and environmental planning in order to gather more experience, knowledge, interaction and better prospect.

My choice to pursue education in Australia is not without reason or motivation. After doing adequate research about many countries, I found that Australia being an island is very concerned about its environment and uses the latest technology to maintain it. I am fascinated by the cutting edge technologies that are being used in Australia for maintaining and protecting its environment in this state of urban sprawling and feel that it is necessary for me to pursue a master's degree in Australia in order to further broaden my horizons and expand my career potential in this field.

Moreover, the education system in Australia is one of the best in the World ranking with second highest development index. Griffith University is known for quality education and integral growth and its Master degree in urban and environmental planning program offers an opportunity to specialize in areas that I favor. With my background, work experience, academics and zeal for work and research, I am confident of meeting the high standards of the program.

The opportunity to learn in an international environment and to collaborate with fellow students from various fields and backgrounds will expand my knowledge and provides me a new perspective which I would rarely meetexperience if I continue my education in my home country. I believe the opportunity and the experience will benefit me in my analytical and critical thinking, as well as my planning skill. Finally, I believe this opportunity will be the foundation of my future career as a professional planner back in my home country, Pakistan, after successful completion of master degree and Griffith's master's program is integral to my goals. I greatly appreciate your consideration of my application.

Thanking you in anticipation.

Hello Jomi. I have made some proofreading suggestions to your essay. Just keep an eye on long sentences. Breaking them up will make your essay easier to read. There is quite a bit of informational material here with regard to your interest in pursuing your program. Continued success!
btrfly7   
Mar 15, 2015
Scholarship / I am not the typical nerd although I am intelligent and studious girl [3]

I am intelligent and studious girlput comma here (two sentences joined by the words and, but, or, or nor take a comma before the conjunction...always) but I am not the typical nerd.(place a period at the end of every sentence)myMy name is Kelly Paucar . (Place a period at the end of every sentence) I am sixteen years old and I study in "Manuela Cańizares" High School. I live my life and I love to enjoy all the time because I am a teenager but I am not like a normal teenager because I take my studies very seriously and have dreams and goals for my future and I never give up easily . I am going to try and try until make my dreams come true. Great introduction paragraph. I am looking forward to reading the rest of the essay)

(To begin with) I was born in Quito in 1998. I live with my family in Sangolquí. I grew up as a only daughter but now I have two little sisters. I always have the support of my parents in everything that I decide to do, especially in my education because this is the most important for me .inasmuch asBecause of this I will have more opportunities in life to be successful.

MyOne reason is that my parents have a lot of confidence in me. I remember my dad always saysalways saying to me : "The words 'I cannot' do not exist," so I strive in all that I do.

I studied in Juan Montalvo School, and I was the second standard-bearer. I startedbeganhere my sportswoman time. I used to practice athletics, and I won a lot of competitions in triple and long jump; but I stopped in 10th grade in the high school. During this time I strived a lot because I used to practice the sport five days a week. and also I had my English course in the first I stress a lot because sometimes I did not sleep but after I only needed to organize my time and adapt me at my schedules.(I also had an English course, and I stressed a lot because sometimes I did not sleep much.

Now, I performance in my academics with constant score of eight or nine; moreover, I am one of the First students in my class because when I propose something, I fight for it.

The last school yearLast year I received an invitation for the International Baccalaureate (IB) but I refused this opportunity. (It would help here to explain why you refused the opportunity) For the IB applied as seventy students but only twenty five students are admitted in the program every year, and I was one of them.

Others important things about me areIt was. important to me that I study English in "Global English Total Learn System." and I improve a lot of my languageI have improved very much, and now I can speak wewith other people. I can understand the conversation when I talk with others. Futhermore I love to read. I spent a lot of time in books. Also I am very sociable and outgoing; moreover, I can adapt to any situation. (It might help here to give an example about how you can adapt to any situation)

My main goal is to study in the USA, and for this reason I am very interested in your program. Only give an opportunity andIf given the opportunity, I promise that I am going to give the best of me. I want to have a higher education and after I willso I can be the best professional in my career.

I am sure you will find me a deserving party for Fulbright because I have an excellent academic record and leadership potential.

Hello Nikol. You have a lot of great points here. Just try to make shorter sentences that end with a period. Also, what may help is to read the essay out loud...you will be able to make corrections as you go along as well. You may want to add an example of your leadership skills as well. You are off to a great start here. Keep going for it!
btrfly7   
Mar 14, 2015
Graduate / Describe a situation where you failed to achieve an objective. What did you learn? (MBA appl. essay) [3]

Hello, Vincenm! What I see here is a great essay. The content is perfect where you were able to stick with the main points in the introductory paragraph. It definitely shows your leadership ability and why you were awarded a mentorship responsibility on the job. This definitely stands out. Just watch your tenses (in this case you have been writing about a past occurrence. It's easy to switch from tenses when we are writing because the situation may seem so real to us at present also. Also one long clause or two long clauses take a comma after it and just before the main clause here such as ... if he didn't show any marked improvement in productivity , he is bound to get bad rating during the annual appraisal. (main clause)

Other than that, the structure and grammar are clear as well. Great going!
btrfly7   
Mar 14, 2015
Scholarship / "I never let my schooling interfere with my education"; I want to be a teacher at a secondary school [2]

This is for the Korean government scholarship where I choose three universities to apply for so no university mentioned :) Thanks in advance for your corrections!

There is a popular quote by Mark Twain found here and there in the motivational quotes lists: "I never let my schooling interfere with my education". Every time I come across it I find it hardly motivational but mostly making me passionately disagree with the great author. Such words might be true for the 19th century when schooling was mostly based on learning everything by heart but for nowadays I barely see any chances for a person to become educated without a decent portion of well-done schooling.

Fortunately mine was like that - my interest towards history flourished with much help from school teachers and people working on organizing school competitions in Russia in which I successfully took part, then it got cemented while studying in the Department of History of Moscow State University. The process of studying, which I believe to be life-long, fascinated me to the point where I developed a huge passion towards the sphere itself -- from the day-to-day teaching work to the complicated theories. The result of it was my decision to dedicate my graduation thesis to the reforms concerning the introduction of secondary education for all in Great Britain. Working on that theme brought me to think about how academic elitism influenced the lives of people in different countries and how important is increasing the general level of education in the society isfor turning it totowardsthe democracy and tolerance.

Willing to makeMy desire to make our society better lead me to the decision to make an attempt in being to become a teacher at a secondary school myself. Although as Anthony Crosland, one of the British Secretaries of Board of Education, said: "What one generation sees as a luxury, the next one sees as a necessity". I could not agree more with it seeing as for my parents even a basic knowledge of foreign language was a privilege when for me being fluent in English is an indispensable part of everyday life. Same goes for the gap between me and my pupils. It is easy for them to look almost everything up in the Internet, . They sometimes doubt if they need a teacher at all and try to make you feel incompetent, saying that everything the school gives to them is outdated. So making them respectful and motivated is surely one uneasy task, but the challenge always made it more interesting for me.

That's why after gaining a profound knowledge of Western, Russian and Asian history and then gaining some practical teaching experience, I realized it is also important to broaden my knowledge on the methods of education. The pedagogics courses in the university were unfortunately short on time so I chose to pursue a Master's degree totally focused on it. That could give me a chance to develop my leadership skills which are so important for an educator who wishes to motivate his pupils,It expanded my ability to put educational theories into practice and my ability to conduct the educative research.

And after a couple of years learning Korean language and getting to know more about Korea, I have a solid belief that it beingbecause it is a country where the traditional respect to education meets the usage of modern technologies in the process of studying, it would be the best place to obtain that degree. Despite all the obstacles of the 20th century, the Republic of Korea managed to become a part of the Great 20 and create a top-class educational system, forming natural leaders and respectful citizens loyal to democratic values. Learning how to teach and motivate in the country where the surrounding ambiance itself makes you motivated would greatly help me to achieve my goals in becoming an all-rounded educational specialist.

**Hello, "hellothere": Your scholarship essay is in point. Your examples are clear so here I have broken them up into paragragraphs, okay. Just remember to hit the indent tab n the first line of each paragraph on your final submission copy. With the few suggestions for corrections I make here with regard to some punctuation and syntax, you this is almost ready to go. Good going!
btrfly7   
Mar 11, 2015
Graduate / Pass CPA/Career in global accounting firms; Accounting Master PS-short/long term goal [3]

Hello, Treefrog0! You have provided a very cogent example from your youth which gave you the initial insight into your accounting skill and have clearly explained your short-term and long-term goals for a career in global accounting firms. Aside from a few grammatical errors such as "Interacting and working with MBA students will have positive impact on me to elaborate this long-term goal." More correctly it should read "...MBA students will have (a) positive impact on me (in developing) this long-term goal." The idea that you wish to become a role model as an alumni shows your passion and dedication to give back which are valued in society.

There are small errors, but when corrected will add even more impact to your composition. You are on your way!