Undergraduate / Common App Short Response (flute teacher) [16]


Replace "warming and welcoming" with something like "Before long"


You really like this type of sentence structure don't you? Although I am quite the opposite of a grammer expert, I don't know if this is a good structure to tell you the truth.

If I were you I would focus on the musical elements of the orchestra also. I am interested to learn what kind of music an orchetra with a Chinese flute would play.

Undergraduate / My qualities as a person (caring, stern, calm, conservative) - UCF ESSAY PROMPT [6]


This isn't a "answer in complete sentences" class worksheet. Think up a more gripping intro.


This makes you sounds slightly nosey.


That's not really being stern. Your just strongly opinionated.

Your essay suffers from something very common. All of your sentences are empty statements and slightly immature sounding also.

Undergraduate / "demolishing the kitchen" - Common Application short response [10]

If I were admissions, I would be entertained by this lively answer.


As written one may think that all you do is send socks to soldiers whereas you also do other things like purchase mosquito nets.


Just condense this to ""The kitchen was a mess and we were frantic." or something. Of course, as others have pointed out, you need stronger verbs.

Undergraduate / Common App Short Response (flute teacher) [16]

No. You have to do both of them. :]

Edit: It flows very nicely actually.

Undergraduate / Common App Short Response (flute teacher) [16]


I would replace "mad" with "angry" because it sort of rhymes right now haha. This is not a bad try. You have some grammer issues and some sentence structures to fix.

EDIT:


The common app short responce prompt is pretty...common. It requires you to describe an extracurricular activity that you participate in. It is 150 words or less.

Undergraduate / My family environment, my life, my UCF essay... [5]


Although mentioning God may be ok but I would just say "...I couldn't understand why he was taken away from me".


I don't understand why you have this sudden urge.


This is a little random. I don't understand why you added the part about Haitian heritage. You add traits that aren't backed by the rest of your essay.

Undergraduate / Influential person for Common Apps-my boyfriend [12]

This is a very original essay in my opinion but the problem is that none of this shows how you might be a good candidate.

Edit: Actually I misspoke. Your ability to support others is good. I really don't know though because this is rather arguable. Normally talking to people about their problems does help a lot also. Giving people a shoulder to cry on...I don't know. This may appeal to the university student but maybe not the admissions officer.

Writing Feedback / A concise narrative about an important event - UF Architecture college essay! [17]

Oh ok. I must have misunderstood then. :P

Writing Feedback / A concise narrative about an important event - UF Architecture college essay! [17]





I don't really think that your quote applies since you didn't really have to put up with rain (tearing your ACL)in order to get to your rainbow (archetecture). Maybe you should make it a little clearer.

Undergraduate / "the role of a surgeon" - A Rather Rough Essay [15]

True. I really need to work on this grammar thing...

Thanks guys and gals.

Undergraduate / Coffee seed, coffee tree and Starbucks - Common apps: topic of your choice [7]

I think that the last paragraph is not necessary but useful. I really like the last paragraph actually. It serves as the most personal part of your essay where the reader can really understand your ideas.

What a great essay! I don't know what else to say besides...I love jackfruit.

Writing Feedback / Her. A short and random idea. [11]

Actually here's a new edit. Read this one instead :[

Her.

She liked the night in that city.

It was not so much the night itself though. In fact she did not like nighttime much more than the day. It was deception, surely it was. Nighttime would in its empty darkness and promise to wipe away her past, a promise that was broken time and time again. She felt cheated. And although she knew that it was a silly reason, she stuck by it.

This city was different though. Different from her past. She liked it because night could not trick her here.

She liked the lights and she liked the sounds, but most of all, she liked the people.

A little too active, a little too sophisticated, and a little too impolite.

But she liked them all the same.

She came to this city on impulse, never really thinking about it before boarding that train. She liked trains too. She made a habit of boarding them overnight. Dreams come true on trains after all.

Maybe she was a little too superstitious.

The city was wild to say the least. She wasn't sure of it. But then again she was always so hesitant. So cautious.

She was pretty to put it plainly. She never thought much of it though. She valued modesty yet it had never benefited her.

Maybe she was a little too indifferent.

She liked to stand in that spot. From there she could see the only star that the sky would give to that city. The first and only one she saw every night. She liked to burden it with wishes. Perhaps the weight would make it fall one day. She liked to joke with herself.

The night rarely changed. The same people, the same places, the same things, the same air. Night air was mysterious in that city. It was something that could divert her from all of the people, all of the sounds, and all of the lights.

Maybe she was a little too easily distracted.

But the only light that night was the moon, and the only sound was her heartbeat. The only star was gone and the night air had left.

A little too quite, a little too dim, and a little too sad.
But she liked it all the same.

I'm trying to think about a "Him" and then a "Them" to tie it all together

Undergraduate / ~Why I chose to attend UCF~ A Knight in Shining Armor [10]

I'm sorry to have made you frustrated. I don't want you to be more specific. I was merely pointing out things that I thought needed to be said in a better way.

Writing Feedback / Her. A short and random idea. [11]

Ahhhhh, I'll change "never" to "rarely". Wow, smart me.

Undergraduate / Macaulay - some issue or concern essay [20]


I'm going into my senior year. w00t.

Undergraduate / Complex personality - undergrad personal statement/college essay [9]

Well for one I would look at a prompt before writing an undergrad essay. If this essay fits a prompt that you want to answer then tell us so that we can help you fit it into the prompt.

The only thing that I can say right now is that you have grammatical errors and that you should be more modest about your "complex mind".

Undergraduate / Macaulay - some issue or concern essay [20]


Haha. I think that the question wants you to revisit your past readings. Your way is cool though I guess. Truthfully I think that Harry Potter is inspiring. I have not read any other book that is as engaging and thought provoking. Ok maybe I've read more thought provoking ones. Although Harry Potters struggle with Voldemort (Yes I dare type his name) is a fictional one it can be related to our lives in terms of all those life lessons...

I would choose a fictional book anyway. It will give your writing the initial push.

I've always had trouble giving my friends advice on number 2 because they insist on writing about global concerns that have nothing more to do with them than the next person. Just choose something that actually effects you more than it effects many others. I like choosing local concerns. Don't try to stretch your topic too far just so that it can apply to you.

Writing Feedback / Her. A short and random idea. [11]


Never changed up until that night. I think that works.


Your right haha...

And I'm Mandarin...even though that is a language lol.
Thanks for the input.

I thought that this might be a good narration for a short film. Like a 5 minute short or something.

Undergraduate / Ethical dilemma or risk - "Money solves all problems" [19]

Excellent. This is original and your tone pulls me in.

The only problem I have with this essay is the conclusion. Although you end up solving the dilemma you end on a rather gloomy note.


You spend the whole time expanding on something so negative. I feel that you should end in a much brighter way. I can see many impacts from this event.

Also, I think that you have learned to share your burdon with others and to become selfless. I would add a sentence emphasizing this impact.

Writing Feedback / Her. A short and random idea. [11]


Would my use be considered "good effect"? :P


Hmmm. I like to watch chinese dramas a lot (lots of romance and cute stuff haha). Sometimes I get random ideas that I just NEED to get onto paper (computer in this case).


You have my vote. The problem is that there might not be enough posters...unless we can get a bunch of members to each write one to get the ball rolling.

Undergraduate / Complex personality - undergrad personal statement/college essay [9]

Errr...It is possible that mind is just simple but I truly cannot understand your essay. I can understand separate sentences but I can't really string them together? No worries, I write like this all the time.

What is the prompt that you are trying to answer? Even though I sort of understand your point your essay is plagued with negativity (is this the right word?) that cannot be reversed with just one sentence.

Undergraduate / NO SUPPORT. NO RESPECT. NO HOMEFIELD. [14]


Haha. That one is probably the best essay that I can scrape together at the moment. Thanks.

Undergraduate / NO SUPPORT. NO RESPECT. NO HOMEFIELD. [14]


I misspoke. I can't really express what I feel about it right now.

I have little experience with the choose your own topic thing. Wait for others to jump in.

Undergraduate / NO SUPPORT. NO RESPECT. NO HOMEFIELD. [14]

Well what kind of prompt do you want to use it for? I would focus on your part in the protest but don't just change all the "we"s to "I"s. Give us some prompt that you want to fit.

Overall I think that this essay is average. I enjoyed the introduction but in the end it started to turn out like many other essays. Others will make it much better though.

Undergraduate / UCF Admissions Essay: I Am a Bird [11]


Really? That's interesting.


Perhaps you can use a part of your poem as your "hook" instead of explaining what it was about awkwardly.

Writing Feedback / "We found no sign of my mother" - I thought what happened at the night was my allusion [10]

This story has extreme potential.


I would say that your life was not just darkened. I believe that you can tell your story in a much more moving way.

This is just an idea. Try mixing your new responsibilities with the rest of your essay instead of just cramming it all in the end. I believe that your essay would be greater if you could tell the reader about how realising that you had to become more mature was difficult for you.

Undergraduate / NO SUPPORT. NO RESPECT. NO HOMEFIELD. [14]

I don't think that either essay answers the prompt because you did not really take a risk. You weren't really risking anything through any of your actions.

Undergraduate / ~Why I chose to attend UCF~ A Knight in Shining Armor [10]


Quite ummm...unexciting and obvious.


Something about this seems a little off. I think that many schools desire to give everyone equal opportunities regardless of their beginnings.


Including your family is a little random. Unless you hope to provide health services for them :]

Undergraduate / College admission- short answer, career goals and community service [7]


The question is refering to any of the activities that he has listed on his application.

Undergraduate / My family environment, my life, my UCF essay... [5]

The thing is...almost all of your sentences are empty. My family has taught me this and that and this and that. I would focus on a couple really important lessons and tell the story of how you and your family came to learn these lessons.

Although it is almost impossible to have traits that others do not possess, your second essay is about as plain as it gets.

Work on these a little more.

Undergraduate / My life, my environment - UCF Admissions Essay [11]

1. My life does not just consist of one "bump in the road", but many that all centralize around the constant financial struggle I live with.I would just say that your bump is your financial struggle. At the age of two, my parents filed for divorce and I have been living with my mother ever since. My father is currently incarcerated and has been for the past eight years.My father has been incarcerated for the past eight years. Before his incarceration, he purposely failed to pay child support and alimony to my mother who then had to acquire two jobs in order to support herself, my brother, and I. Money never comes easily in our family so we highly value whatever we have. I have not been able to get most things that I have wanted but my mother has always made sure I got what I truly needed.

The thing about this essay is that you don't go into depth. Instead of telling me that you are struggling I would like an example that shows how tough it is for your family. The only thing that you do to overcome this bump is that you get a job. Many high school students have jobs regardless.

2.My environment has had a huge influence on the kind of person I am today.Restating the question doesn't help. I grew up into a low class family in a high class city. While most people around me had everything, I had less than that.I doubt that they had everything...well I guess it's hyperbole. Most of us do have less than everything. At first this occurred to me as a negative thing, but I slowly realized that I was privileged to be brought up into the world in the kind of situation I am in todaythis situation . I have to come to sympathize for others like me all over the world, that live on more necessities than luxuries.You shouldn't follow up with this sentence. Your not thankful for your situation because you get to sympathize. My financial situation also allowed to me to truly appreciate anything that I possess. Everything I own has a memory attached to it because I was the one who worked for it and if I did not work for it, I know that someone did and I appreciate their hard work and effort that went into it.Run-on sentence.I also know that my privileged environment has caused to me to be more mentally matured than most of my age.I wouldn't say that.The experiences I have gone through, some of the students in my high school will never have to go through. A lot of these said "kids" take their lives for granted and don't appreciate that their parents have given them the worry-free life they live.Don't degrade others to make yourself seem greater. It's better to prove yourself better than people who are already top-notch. Anyway, I wouldn't include either of these things in your essay.Each day of my life though, I know my mother is working to keep me sheltered and satisfied so I can go on to bigger and better things and one day provide a lifestyle I could not have to my kids who will learn to appreciate what they have.Reword.

Undergraduate / College admission- short answer, career goals and community service [7]


This doesn't really answer the prompt.


Your second one is better.

Undergraduate / "the role of a surgeon" - A Rather Rough Essay [15]


Yep I know that. Thanks.

Thanks everyone.

Undergraduate / "the role of a surgeon" - A Rather Rough Essay [15]

Usually...taking challenges...makes a person stronger. Of course I'm not going to word it this way lol.

Edit: It is a little broad. I'll fix that. Thanks!

Undergraduate / "the role of a surgeon" - A Rather Rough Essay [15]

I want to be in the thick of it all. Becoming a surgeon will provide the specific physical and mental challenges that I long for. It will make me a stronger person overall.

Is this a good enough reason or do you think that I should be more specific? I'm thinking about adding this to the intro paragraph instead of somewhere in the middle.

Undergraduate / "the role of a surgeon" - A Rather Rough Essay [15]


Yep


I forgot to change that...haha.

Awesome, thanks.

Undergraduate / The cruel and the heartless/ Significant risk or Ethical dilemma [8]

Although this essay answers the prompt it does so in a boring way. I think that this boring tone starts from the introduction. I'm not so crazy about your topic and the way you expand it is mediocre.

Writing Feedback / Interacting with the same kind of people in work on a regular basis [10]

I like coworkers that are easy to interact with rather than ones who work work work. They should be your good friend in and out of work.