Unanswered [12] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Llamapoop123
Joined: Aug 6, 2009		 Last Post: Nov 13, 2013
Threads: 7
Posts: 442  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 449 / page 4 of 12
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Llamapoop123   
Aug 17, 2009
Undergraduate / creating music - Common App 150 word essay [6]

I should use this as a springboard for my long essay.

I'm not sure what you mean by this. Your long essay should function well by itself.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 17, 2009
Undergraduate / Volunteerism is like this: Rewarding Experience [7]

the charitable assets of a millionaire or a doctor

The charitable assets of a doctor?

I want to overcome stereotypes by changing one person at a time, and I will eventually become that person no matter the outcome.

What are these stereotypes you speak of...

The first time I gave blood, I knew my reason well.

Of course you knew your reason...

It was in time when a few hundred dollars made next month's rent.

This sentence is confusing. Doees this mean that you signed to be a guinea pig for your rent?

Fortunately they were sympathetic enough and sent me home with some compensation.

Who is they?

But when the 9/11 attacks occurred, I was very distraught at the sight of the victims and this incident confirmed my growing sense of need for human connection.

Your growing sense of need for human connection. What made you want to connect to the victims that you had no relationship to?

It's one of my purest sincere personal acts and I do it without an applauding crowd or acknowledgement.

One of the purest acts? What made it pure?

Your essay has a lot of grammatical errors but I won't dive into that.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 17, 2009
Undergraduate / Purdue personal statement - interest in science [15]

Why do you suddenly go off talking about how you like biology and then end the paragraph with "Having a degree in chemistry would help me get a science career that I enjoy."? Your essay is 270 words! How are you fitting 2 different topics into an essay that is half its suggested length?

Variations of the phrase "I like..." are used too many times.

I became interested in science as a child. I would always read books about science and do "experiments" such as mixing vinegar and baking soda. My interest in science continued throughout my life and now I plan on majoring in chemistry and minoring in biology. A college degree will aid in my search for knowledge by allowing me to learn new information.

My first few years of high school I was not interested in any particular subject over another. I went from class to class without giving them a second thought. When I took chemistry my sophmore year I became increasingly passionate towards it. My interest in chemistry continued to grow throughout chemistry I and chemistry II. I like chemistry because I enjoy learning how things work at the molecular level. I later realized that chemistry is everywhere and is related to many other sciences.

My junior year I took AP biology, along with chemistry II. That year I also became attracted to biology. I liked learning about living organisms and how they work. In AP biology, we went on a field trip to a Sam Rhyne genetics conference. We learned about the newest technology and progress in genetics. The genetics conference held my attention the whole time and it was very engrossing. Having a degree in chemistry would help me get a science career that I enjoy.

In conclusion, a college degree will open many new doors for me, allowing me to have many choices in life. It will also help me attain a career in science that I will be passionate towards, and help get into graduate school.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 17, 2009
Writing Feedback / Spanish Language proficiency [15]

I speak fluent Chinese and Indonesia and understand three other dialects--Sundanese, Cantonese and Taiwanese.

three other dialects of? You cannot speak fluent Chinese by the way, you speak fluent Mandarin. Also, I doubt that Indonesia is a language. You understand three other dialects? This implies that Indonesian is a dialect. Mandarin is a dialect.

I know that Spanish is more practical but it wasn't a choice offered at my school.

How is it more practical? This is arguable. This sounds like your dissing French.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 17, 2009
Undergraduate / creating music - Common App 150 word essay [6]

Ah I see. I think that this essay works for the 150. I don't see where it would go if you were to make it your long essay.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 17, 2009
Undergraduate / Compare yourself now to when you were younger.. [12]

When comparing one to himself in childhood, we tend to find many differences, but if we look deeper, we can see that he resembles his younger personality, only now he has become more into what he used to be. It is rational to find new traits in his personality, but in the end, being that child is a base of what he is in the present.

Although this is a weird sentence your viewpoint is interesting. This sentence does not belong in your essay however.

as it showed me that a sunflower only grows from a sunflower seed, and I have grown from my own seed.

It took me a second to understand this haha. This is quite interesting.

"Just like growing up makes you bigger in size when you're still the same person and look similar to what you were, my different qualities have also become bigger in sizeQualities cannot become bigger in size , although not always for the best, for no one is perfect."

Traveling to Dubai illustrates how I like to travel

Feeding my fish illustrates how I like to feed my fish.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 17, 2009
Undergraduate / "It takes more than good academics" - Florida State University Essay [11]

Well don't trash it just because of my suggestions. Wait for others to comment on your essay. You have some good topics to expand on in this essay such as your grandmother's death and your dancing capabilities. You just need more focus in your essay. Don't jump around and try to mention things that don't contribute.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 18, 2009
Writing Feedback / Spanish Language proficiency [15]

No, it doesn't sound like that at all. Spanish is more practical because many more people speak it. French used to be more practical, because it was the language of diplomacy. But that has changed.

And I thought that I was learning Spanish for nothing.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application. Personal Statement. ''Dragon boat race"' [17]

But when I heard this event from school notice

You mean you saw this on a school notice or you heard this event from a school announcement?

So I wasn't surprised when I told Mom about the dragon boat race which was going to be held in the city in 1 months and she asked without much attention.

This sentence is confusing.

Though the dragon boat race tradition came from an ancient story in China, bearing the great poet Qu Yuan in mind, this was still the first time I had a connection with it.

Random. Not necessary.

Everybody's action must be synchronous so that the boat would progress fast. Everybody had to cling to the gunwale so that the boat wouldn't upside downflip .

I sit in the very first of our team and every action of me decided our speed.

What you mean is you sat in front of everyone else. I don't understand how you alone decided the boat's speed.

Cadent quant turned to be messed up.

What?

Stay curious and join in

You stayed curious and joined in.

Without grammatical errors this essay gets to the point.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 18, 2009
Undergraduate / "Soccer is my inspiration" - Common Application 150 word essay [5]

There was no moon over the soccer stadium, but it was after midnight, the risers still crowded, and our soccer team was playing in the state finals which had been taken to a penalty shoot-out. People had taken off their visors and straw hats, and the night now was windless and warm. Weak sentences.

It was my chance to be an irredeemable villain or a coveted hero. A goal would result in a Championship win and a wayward shot would result in the door being blow open for the opponents.This sentence is confusing.

I line up the shot and say to myself "this is everything you've trained for". Momentarily I lose myself to a world of trance and when I'm back in the present I am mobbed by team mates backed up with huge cheers. All at once I feel like I am exactly where I want to be.Weak sentences. Twelve years, a hundred matches, one Trophy. Soccer is my inspiration. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Reading has always been a favorite pastime of mine. - Common App [14]

What I gather from this essay is
-you like books.
-you don't like how tech is replacing books.
-you want to become an editor to save books.

1) I don't know why you like books besides the fact that they smell nice and are multicolored.
2) You present tech in a positive light when you really want to show that it is not as good as books.
3) Why an editor? How does that save books from being taken over? If it does not then why do you talk about how you fear books from being converted to tech?
Llamapoop123   
Aug 18, 2009
Undergraduate / animals, artwork, sciences - present yourself to the Committee on Admissions [3]

First, I am great with animals and have a history of pets such as white mice, hamsters, budgerigar, ferret, monkey, iguana, chicken, tortoise and many more.

Plural and singular agreement issues.

I grew up recruiting stray dogs in Asia prior to breeding my own dogs.

You "recruited" dogs?

The question asks for what you would want admissions to know about you. Why would you want them to know that you have owned many pets? Unless you want to become a vet or something.

Your supposed to be selling yourself.

Finally, I wish to let the Committee know that I feel that my MCAT score does not reflect my understanding of the basic sciences, my command of English language or the full potential of my scholastic and personal accomplishments as demonstrated by my solid undergraduate grades.

Does this mean that your MCAT score is surprisingly low? Don't try to explain your scores away.

Perhaps the test's format and time constraint made it difficult to demonstrate my knowledge in the subjects.

Please don't question the test.

My strength lies in my tenacity; I repeated the MCAT and improved my score.

They know.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Hard work was preferable to the expense of neglected morals and sore back - Ethical dilemma QB essay [9]

Halfway through my busy shift, I reached down my back to massage the knot out with rough fingertips.

Massaging the knot out of your back? Knot?

I'd be dog-tired.

Dog-tired? I've never heard such a phrase.

He also showed that their french fries don't rot like normal food.

What would be your definition of "normal" food. Why would this contribute to the fact that you stopped eating fast food.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 18, 2009
Writing Feedback / Spanish Language proficiency [15]

Furthermore, Taiwanese isn't considered a dialect--Min is the dialect they speak in Taiwan

They speak a type of southern min which is known as Taiwanese Minnan or just Taiwanese. I think it's ok to just say Taiwanese. Not everyone knows that Taiwanese people speak Minnan, which might cause confusion.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / highly zealous, energetic and motivated - UT Austin - Statement of Purpose [7]

I am highly zealous, energetic and motivated by a resounding urge to serve my country.

Resounding? Is this a correct way to use this word?

The only paragraph that talks about you is your first paragraph.

I am highly zealous, energetic and motivated by a resounding urge to serve my country.

How do you serve your country?

I believe in hard work, patriotism, personal responsibility and traditional values. I like to believe that I am an idealist and do not believe in chasing materialistic pursuits. These are some of things that define me. Over the last few years, I have grown as an individual. I have been able to realize my true goals and have become much more focused in life. This conscious realization of true self has developed in me a keenness to excel and I have embarked on a journey that has taken me to new heights.

What does any of this have to do with the rest of your essay?

I have always wanted to contribute to my community and bring change. An issue that I am particularly passionate about is the improvement of governance and the establishment of a representative political system in Pakistan.

At least tell me how you plan to display your passionate attitude.

Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admissions committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and other application information cannot convey.

Well admissions will certainly know a lot about Pakistani government after this.

Other than some empty characteristics (empty because they are not exemplified) in your introduction nothing in your essay tells admissions about you.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - What lead me to my goal? [24]

How thoughtful of you. Most people look at superheroes and wish that they could fly or blow up stuff. :]

Watching superheroes is your initial motivation when you were six but I would like to see another thing that pushed you even further towards recognizing your goal to become a surgeon.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Materials Science and Engineering' - MIT Short Answer: Which Department? [10]

Well he does say that the reason he want to study in that department is because of nanotech so that bit was clear to me. The reason he wants to study nanotech is because he wants to change the world haha.

Maybe I am looking at this in a far more simple way than you Liebe...
Llamapoop123   
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Which is the better way to write? Prompt 1-UC Essay [3]

I also want to add a paragraph about how did I overcome the hardships (immigrated student and first generation goes to college) to achieve my goal. Do I go off the topic I plan to make?

This would be a good part of your essay if you can relate it well enough. I don't see how overcoming the obsticles of an immigrant would directly bring you closer to becoming a pharmacist.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / "Crossroads" - Common App Personal Essay [10]

But with what voice is such suffering conveyed? This question compels me to want to lend my voice to those who have been robbed of their own.

That's deep

If a high school student- with four months of dedication- can educate and encourage hundreds to take a stand as well, then it is worth spending a lifetime on activism and community service.

Not sure what you mean by this.

I hope to translate my passion to other young people, so that together, we become not only the leaders of tomorrow- but of today.

This is some famous speech material right here.

Your essay is beautiful down to the last word.

PS. Do not post useless comments onto other threads just so that you can post your own thread. This is very selfish. Others on this site spend an incredible amount of time to offer detailed feedback. If you expect this kind of attention you must first give it to others as well.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 19, 2009
Writing Feedback / "Memom, how did you draw this?" Topic of Choice Essay -- opinions and critiques [5]

Your writing is good but your essay leaves me slightly confused.

I think that your essay is trying to tell me that you overcame the high standards you set for yourself in art. Your essay tells me that you are dedicated. It could also tell me that you lose interest in things easily. Do you enjoy drawing? Or do you just enjoy the thrill of accomplishment?

If this essay is meant to show your determination I don't see why you mention basketball and cello in the middle. How did you lose interest in art? How did you start to like art once again? Did you take up art again to challenge yourself with drawing the model? I thought you had lost interest in art. So why would you feel obligated to draw it? Did you take up art again because you lost interest in cello and basketball?
Llamapoop123   
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Reading has always been a favorite pastime of mine. - Common App [14]

i think you can just not use the idea of technology replacing books. i just dont think its possible. i really dont. i mean if you wanted to get more ple to read, and you were going to the school to be a writer, hoping to write good storys that ple will read, than thats something,
but your thing, to be an editor, to stop books from being gone forever, its not rly strong.

^I agree. Your paragraph about tech now comes up randomly. I don't think that books are disappearing quickly anyway. I would like a more focused example of how your love for editing came about.

By attending your university (just write the name out :D), I intend to further my skills in reading, writing and most importantly, editing. This will enable me to pursue my dream of becoming an editor while also letting me believe that I'm at least doing something to prevent books from getting replaced.

Broad.

PS. Your posts are very amusing Talia haha...with all the faces and stuff.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Caltech Essay Prompt - Interest in math, science, or engineering [22]

It turned out that chemists and biologists are the ones who apply science to life, not engineers as I assumed.

What? Although I am uninformed on the subject of engineers I would think that people like chemical engineers apply science to life. One example of this is the creation of artificial smells.

I have always wanted to be something I was ignorant about.

This idea is confusing to me.

I enrolled myself in chemistry, chemical engineering, and how stuff works for the weeks that followed.

You enrolled in a class called "How stuff works"?

In America, asking to many questions got me a speaker by the end of the week.

You got a speaker? What does that mean?

Your new essay is a little confusing to me. There are many sentences that are unnecessary and disturb the flow of your essay.

When I did in the past, it was unintentional, but this time it was different. It's the last summer before I start applying for colleges. I was confused between two programs, unfortunately, I couldn't attend both. A leadership program in Harvard sounded very appealing to me. I could even get myself the sweatshirt I have always wanted. Yet, I chose to go to Michigan Tech.

This sentence makes it sound as if you were choosing which one to attend after they both accepted you.

I have known science; I have had a general idea about its topics and applications. I have always wanted to be an engineer, but apparently, my thought of engineering was totally different than it really is.

Tense issues. These two sentences are also confusing to me.

Your essay tells me that you want to become an engineer because you've always wanted to become something that your ignorant about. I think that there is something wrong with this concept.

Mostly, my mother isn't easy at all, neither is my brother. "Well I am a leader alright." I thought. "I did drag my mom and brother all the way to Houghton."

Huh?

The fuel cell thing pops out of nowhere. I guess that it is supposed to show how you're interested in engineering?

Why do you even talk about your difficult choice between Harvard and Mich Tech?
Llamapoop123   
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / "The negative impacts of capitalism on the world" - issue of importance [9]

Haha your topic reminds me of a debate tag that my friend came across while researching. "In capitalism, even the rich live in poverty. They have poverty in the mind." or something like that. Anyway.

This is not a term paper. This is personal.

Your introduction is just an average argument against cap. I don't see how you are going to continue this essay.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Caltech Essay Prompt - Interest in math, science, or engineering [22]

They both don't require acceptance. The one in Michigan had the scholarship program for one week.. otherwise it we paid for it, the 3 remaining weeks.

Ohhh I see. Sorry misunderstanding there.

I would omit the harvard mich tech conflict.
Focus on how you aspire to study fuel cells.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / 'The state of confusion' - UF essay...my surgery. [6]

After all, who gets cancer at sixteen?

Many people. How did you already suspect yourself of having cancer before you were diagnosed?

As I awoke on August 11th, 2009, I was struck overwhelmingly by the state of confusion I was in.

Just say that you were in an overwhelmingly confused state.

When I first noticed it, I merely dismissed it.

Noticed what? Noticed your tumor? How do you dismiss a tumor?

This event reaffirmed the fact that I need to strive for only the best in all facets of my life. This is why attending the University of Florida means so much to me at this point in my life.

Sounds like your sucking up here. Why is UF the epitome of a good university?

Again, your surgery seems to have very little connection with applying to UF. How will surgery effect your college experience? How will surgery contribute to UF? Surgery only made you want to have good stuff in your life.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application. Personal Statement. ''Dragon boat race"' [17]

A tradition derived from ancient Chinese history to bear a great poet Qu Yuan in mind is all I know about this event.

Is this why you felt compelled to register? This sentence has a confusing structure.

I couldn't wait to establish connection with it and fulfill my curiosity even though I had never paddled a boat before.

Establish a connection with Chinese history?

Your introduction is a little weird now.

couch

Coach.

a drummer who crossed her legs and beat thea drum to regulate our rhythm

and a real dragon boatI had only saw on TV !

As opposed to a fake one?

Up the scorching sunshine, we kept leaning forwards to stick the quant and leaning backwards to pull back for an hour with wet shirts, aching waist and arms.

Bold is confusing to me.

All of these situations converted into my courage and determination to stick it up, even in the dangerous situation where the strong wind compelled us to float above the lake and the boat could overturn at any minute.

Tense issues.

The big competition day finally came along with our ambition.

It came with your ambition? What?
Llamapoop123   
Aug 21, 2009
Writing Feedback / Spanish Language proficiency [15]

FYI I didn't say that I speak Min or Arabic.

If you read any of Noto's response to me you would know that Taiwanese=Minnan which is a type of Min dialect. According to Noto Sudanese is a dialect of Arabic. I am surprised that you did not know that Taiwanese is a type of Min since you say that you are fluent.

Why is it so difficult for one believe in other people's talent.

Read Noto's posts. We do believe that you have touched these languages but to what degree are you fluent? It seems like a grand claim.

Man! I should have tried to learn Chinese instead of espańol.

Yes you should have :] I'll teach you if you want haha.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Which topic for college essay would be more likely to succeed? [10]

2. How committed i am to stuff i do like school activities. (this topic will also show how my grades are not that great because i have committed to so many activities.

Don't try to explain your grades away. It's not necessarily true that your grades are bad because of exracurriculars anyway. It's not all about time management. You should've have your priorities straight in the first place.

If you can tell your chess story vividly then that will be your best bet.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Which topic for college essay would be more likely to succeed? [10]

"you need to get your priorities straight, next time, dont join so much s*it"

Woah there Talia haha...

Indigga, you can include that but word it differently.
I hope that you post what you come up with.

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