Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - minimalize car usage, why and how? [5]

Hello fellas, i need your strong feedback in my writing, Please gimme your suggestion to improve my: Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource and Grammar. :)

Question:
Many people depend on their cars for everyday domestic, social, and working need. However, unlimited use of cars causes a number of problems.
What are some problems? What can be done to reduce the use of car?

Demanding on car is common happened in society for several reasons, such as for daily basis, making impact in community, and some business needs. While people rely on these vehicles, i utterly convince that the uncontrollable number of car used will give a vital problem, especially for traffic congestion. However, this complex situation can be ameliorated when public transportation services are developed.

The immense crucial impact that caused by highly number of car transport is traffic stagnancy. This is related to the road which unable to accommodate many cars. This is exemplified by 10% of rising per year for the number of car, in India, according to Mumbai University Assessment. This research predict, if the increasing trend is remained stable for 10 years ahead, it will possible when people comes out of the house, they will immediately see traffic in front of their home. In the long-run, the traffic shutdown is expected to come about as the number of vehicle miles traveled continues to grow.

Public transportation is the worth idea to combat against the number of vehicles on the road and vehicle miles traveled. Thus, where massive transportation is available, it makes roads work better. According to a Federal Transit Administration (FTA) study of six urban cities, it was reveal that 10% of car users who moving into public transport can absorb 17.000 passengers per year. But, to relieve congestion, investment priority must shift toward dramatic expansion of high-capacity public transportation systems which government need to spent specific huge amount of budget for this solution.

To sum up, although some say using car is highly probable makes our life easier, it can be denied, this fact will lead to worse condition such as traffic back up. What is more, i believe that the government can take into action by working hard to provide the convenience mass transport as their step to solve this demon circle.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 (PRACTICE) - THE DANGERS OF CHEMICAL COMPOUND USAGE [4]

Hello fellas, i need your strong feedback for my writing, Please gimme your suggestion to improve my: Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource and Grammar. :)

Question:
Do the dangers derived from the use of chemicals in food production and preservation outweigh the advantages?

Most of food that we consumed are contaminated with chemical compound. Synthetic material that replace natural ingredients and also preservative substance that make foodstuff durable, both chemicals give us, as consumers, lots of benefits. Unfortunately, due to the overused consumption, we have to deal with the consequences, facing a huge danger. Indeed, in my mind, there is now convincing evidence that the benefit of using chemical contain is far away behind the danger itself.

To begin, numbers of food production companies use synthetics substance to replace the original ingredients, so the company can receive higher profit because it reduce the production cost. What we do not realized about this fact is that the synthetics compounds slowly harm our health. Taking assessment from department of nutrition at University of Indonesia as a reference, the researcher find out that many companies which produce cheap chili sauce, changing the chili with "capsaicin" to bring the spicy taste. Take a closer look at the test, capsaicin is compound that can trigger cancer in our body. Unfortunately, consumer do not really concern about this fact because we blind with the financial profit - the price of product is cheap.

Furthermore, Instant food that we eat every day contains the abundance of preservative chemicals. With higher usage rate, chemical preservation also becomes enormous issues that we should consider. Food can stay longer if it is injected with chemical compound such as, nitrite and sulphur dioxide. In the other side, this compound gives negative impact to our health. For instance, the food control organization (FCO) found out that 3% or above of nitrite in our blood is dangerous and can even be fatal. Nitrite can misinterpret protein as enzyme and then make wrong process in our blood. In the long run, it can be a trigger for blood cancer. This fact is refers to the threat of health.

To sum up, although we ,as consumers, take huge benefit from this practice, it has lots of inevitably negative impact. We have to be aware more to the impact because it is related to our precious thing, health. I believe, It will be better if we minimize the utilization of chemicals compound by consuming more the natural.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 (PRACTICE) - UNEMPLOYEMENT CAUSE AND HOW TO SOLVE IT? [3]

Hello friends, i need your comments and strong feedbacks to boost up my ability in writting.

Question:
Unemployment has become an increasing problem in recent past.
What factors contribute to an increase in unemployment and what steps can be taken to solve the problem?

Some aspects, such as migrations and global crisis, give critical vital contribution to rise up the number of people that out of work in prior years. Many parties should hand in hand to solve this can of worms. After giving explanations why this phenomenons come upwere exist, i will address several solutions to solve take in action for solving this multi-dimensional problems.

To begin with, migration explosion is one of factors that can stimulate this problem. This is because, people from rural areas have a willing to increase their economy level. That is a strong reason why they have a tendency to migrating to the cities in finding the jobs. Unfortunately, the industry in cities is not ready to accommodate the comers. For example, a recent study from the Global Employment Trends 2014 showed that the unemployment rate has raised to 3.8%, compared to 3.7% last year due to the migration. Statistically, this uncontrollable rate of migration contributes to the significant impact of the number of unemployment.

Furthermore, it has been six years since the start of the global financial crisis in many countries. Numbers of giant companies get bankruptcy and fired their employee. According to the International Labour Office, global unemployment reach the highest level on record because of the global crisis. More than 200 million people, 7 per cent of the global workforce, lost their job in 2009. Massive firing of workers gives a significant increase in the levels of unemployment.

Considering the solution, the government should establish rapid industrialization in countryside regions so that more job opportunities can be created. If these industries are grown, the rural people will live in wealth. Moreover, changing mindset from a worker to an entrepreneur is crucial to cut the number of jobless people. Creating our own company is much better than depending to others.

To sum up, the government has a substantial role to accommodate some job opportunities, but we should keep in mind that self-help is the best help. Instead of being a worker, making a new work field is best solution.

Writing Feedback / Should computer be invented? They have made a very vital impact on society. [4]

Hello all,
this in my first essay for IELTS writing task 2, Your strong feedback and constructive criticism will improve my writing, so feel free to give your suggestion. thanks before.

Question:
Computers should never be invented.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Over two decades, computer has made a very vital impact on society. The use of computer technology has affected every aspect of life. However, some societies believe that the computer should not existed due to the negative impact. To argue the view that contra about computer invention, i shall refer to several evidences to show that computer was invented as a solution.

Firstly, people need to work their tasks quickly, easily, and efficiently. Computer technology comes to save time and reduce the effort. Taking education as an example, students can digitize the homework using computer and send it to their teacher by email anytime, so teacher can give correction immediately, instead of writing it in paper and collecting it on the day after. Secondly, computer technologies allow us to centralize the data. Once the information has been inputted as data in computer, it can be easily accessed by many people anytime. This function can reduce the work load of spreading information. For example, Jakarta Governor's office centralized all data from the ministry in one application, so everyone who needs the specific data can access it online, instead of visiting the ministry office in person. It can help the government to reduce bureaucracy system by software that offer the simplest way for people to retrieve the information.

In the other side, many people use computers without positive purpose. They play games and chat for a long period of time, resulting waste of time and energy. For example, kids and adults are now spending time more on the social media websites which is considerably bad for both studies and health. In addition, some irresponsible parties use computer to hack and steal the important data. The data stored on a computer can be accessed by unauthorized persons through networks. For example, they hacked the credit card numbers of the people or they steal important data from big organizations. It has created serious problems for the data security.

To sum up, there is no doubt to argue that computer was invented to give us many benefits. The disadvantages only come because people use the technology in improper way. In the future, people should be wise to use this device for right purposes and the government should provide the high-protection for cyber security.

Writing Feedback / This diagram illustrates how a gas cooled nuclear reactor work to produce the steam [5]

hi, friend. i need your suggestion to boost my writing skill. please give your strong feedback! thank you in advice
Question: The diagram below shows the production of steam using a gas cooled nuclear reactor.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The representative diagram illustrates how a gas cooled nuclear reactor work to produce the steam. Overall, it is clearly seen that the prominent feature are the reactor and the heat exchanger.

A closer looked at the picture, there is a concrete radiation shielding cover the pressure vessel which has four graphite moderator and uranium fuel elemen insides. baron control rods is used to channelize charge to the elements. in addition, there are 2 type of gas dust to bring the hot and cold gas. The cold gas is flow from gas blower to reactor and passed the moderator and element. This part of process changed the cool gas temperature and it turn to the hot gas. After that, the hot gas entered the heat exchanger tube to invert back the temperature, by using water circulator. the heat from hot gas is transferred to turbo alternator.

From the picture we also can understand that this process is continually circulate. the hot gas always produced by the reactor and then the heater exchanger absorb the heat, so that the hot gas turn into cool gas as before.

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Writing Feedback / Girls did better than boys in almost all of the competency exams subjects, besides geography. [2]

Hello fellas, i need your suggestion for my writing. thanks in advice :)

Question:
The bar chart below shows the percentage of students who passed their high school competency exams, by subject and gender, during the period 2010-2011.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The represented chart provides the information about the subject that was completely done with the student as their high school competency exam during 2010 and 2011, compared by the sexes. In brief, girls achieved higher than boys in almost all of the subject, the only exception is geography subject.

Move to the detail, over than 40% of both gender pass the computer science, math, and foreign languages, such as French, german, and Spanish. There was a slightly different in foreign language and math for both group, less than one per cent. But, a significant gap for girl and boy student happen in computer science subject, 4.2% approximately.

In addition, as the result of the exam for physics, history and chemistry, it reveals that the female student more passes the subject other than male, In the other hand, in geography, more than 30% of males success the exam compare to girls who only get less than a quarter.

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Writing Feedback / This representative table provides info on the quantity of students qualified for teaching English [2]

Hello friends, i'm mei . it would be great if you give me some suggestions for this essay, thanks in advance :)
question:
The table below shows the number of students living in the UK gaining English language teacher training qualifications in 2007/8 and 2008/9, and the proportion of male qualifiers.

Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

This representative table provides information on the quantity of students in the United Kingdom who passed qualifications for English Teacher in two academic period, 2007/8 and 2008/9, with the percentages of the male student. Overall, it can seen that in all qualifications, the number of women is predominate more than men and the percentages of men is slightly decreasing in year by year.

In detail, the total of student remained stable in both years, but there was a significant differences between the each sexes. In first period, 2007/8, the quantity of male students only 24,7% from total. Move to more detail, stood at 6,870 of the male student took TEFL qualification compared to female who got three times higher. The gap became more significant for Cambridge UCLES, CELTA & other degree, which men only got a one in four of the women's total.

The trend was similar for the second period, but it is noticable that the number of male puppils was more smaller than previous period. In 2008/9, for Cambridge UCLES, CELTA & other degree, there was a drop of almost 10% in thenumber of male who gained this qualification compare to 2007/8 term. Although, there was not much changes in TEFL qualification group in this certain period.

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Writing Feedback / IELTS - TASK 1 - THE COMBINING CHART OF PERSON ARRESTED IN FIVE YEARS AND THE MOST REASON [2]

Hello, im mei. Here is my very first post in this site.
Here is the writing that I've written to address the details of the figures. Would you please let me know your comments? Your strong feedback will be very helpful for revising my essay. Thank you in advice.

Question:
The pie chart shows the percentage of person arrested in the five years ending 1994 and the bar chart shows the most recent reasons for arrest

The pie chart compares the percentages of the criminal joined in prison for five years until 1994. In terms of the gender, and the bar chart provides information about the cause why they arrested. Over all, it is evident from the data that male prisoner predominate over over the female, and also public drinking was considerably higher than all other reasons of arrest both gender.

In detail, the total of men arrest was four times higher than women, 32% and 9% respectively. For both genders, more than a third of them got in prison because they drank in public. In this case, men lead the number with around 5-6% differences from women. Drinking while driving was the secondary highest reason for male to jailed, over than a quarter of total, compared to approximately 14% for female.

Besides, all the other reasons considerably lower than 20%, such as bench of other, assault, theft, and other reasons. Moreover, give no answer was the least reason, lower than 10% for both ganders.

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  The combine chart