Essays / Choose your own topic essays? [9]

If you are truly choosing your own topic, write it well enough that you don't have to state your topic. If you are choosing among a set list of topics, indicate which one you have chosen.

Undergraduate / "How on earth did you get interested in opera?" Common app essay (option 4) [9]

This is a charming story, and it is well told for the most part. I'd like to see you tighten the middle of the narrative, where it begins to drag, but otherwise I see this as a very strong entry.

Graduate / Graduated from Marketing. SOP for masters in Communication [8]

What you have here is some of the raw material you will need to write your SoP. You will need, in your SoP, to be much more specific about your interest in communication and what you envision doing with the degree. Graduate programs like students who have a clear sense of purpose rather than a general sense that the degree will help them enter some vaguely defined career. Once you know the focus of your statement of purpose, then you can select some anecdote from your life or fact about yourself with which to begin the statement. But, before doing anything else, you must clarify and specify your purpose in seeking this advanced degree.

Undergraduate / "How you?"; my first two words to my first teacher in the US -- Common app essay [8]


No. Not at all. Maya Angelou is a famous African American writer; that book is her most famous work. It has nothing to do with immigration or China or anything else you have written about. There is, simply, an incident in which the protagonist feels ashamed because her grandmother says "how you?" rather than "how are you." Please just forget that I recommended the book to you. I was trying to suggest something that you would enjoy and be educated by, but you seem to have entirely misunderstood me.

Writing Feedback / it is important to find out if the decision will be popular with others (IBT) [5]

Your grammar and word choice are generally correct, so you are in good shape for taking the TOEFL.

Where you are saying "target," the better word would be "aim."

Essays / Celebrating Nerdiness - Tom Rogers [8]

Don't ask me what's in the article. Read the article yourself.

What does your teacher want? A summary of the article? Or your own views on the topics discussed in the article?

Student Talk / What grade will i get in my exams? [6]

The way to do it is to write a coherent, well-organized, and grammatically correct essay. Why don't you post an example of your writing here so that we can try to identify your weak areas for you?

Undergraduate / the pediatric volunteer - Common App- Siginificant experience [7]


Better, but you still have to get rid of the "it was" that starts the essay.

Student Talk / What's the biggest writing fail in your writing? [35]

Oh, duh -- I just read about that slang usage of fail. I ought to have recognized it in practice.

Undergraduate / UCB Transfer Hopeful [7]


Yes, that's a good idea.

I like the new first line but I want you to add back in the part about going through your mother's college textbooks. That detail is sweet and shows your intellectual curiosity at a young age.

Undergraduate / the pediatric volunteer - Common App- Siginificant experience [7]

I count three instances of "it was" and one additional "was" in your first paragraph alone. This could be a strong story, but you will have to write it using strong verbs for it to have maximum impact.

Undergraduate / UCF Admissions Essay - Which topic does my essay suit best? [6]

It depends on where you are going with this. If you are going to focus on the jolt and recovery, then #1. If you are going to say more about your grandparents themselves and their influence on you, then #2.

Undergraduate / "How you?"; my first two words to my first teacher in the US -- Common app essay [8]

Oh, I'm just saying that you should read that for your own edification and amusement. It's an important work of literature in which a character suffers similar shame about the exact same phrase.

I see that forum members have been slow to jump in with other comments. I'll edit your title to see if that helps.

Essays / Celebrating Nerdiness - Tom Rogers [8]

In "Celebrating Nerdiness," Tom Rogers argues that...

Undergraduate / "lust for knowledge" - FSU admissions essay [7]


It's not so much that your words are bold as that your metaphors are mixed.

Writing Feedback / traditional foods vs international fast food (which is bad) [6]

Yes, one only has two hands. So, one can only say, "on the other hand" once.

Undergraduate / UCB Transfer Hopeful [7]

The sections on the growth of your interest in psychology are strong, and just what admissions committees want to see. However, the section on your computer career derails the flow of the essay. You'll need to find a way to include that information (perhaps in less detail) without breaking the flow.

Essays / Celebrating Nerdiness - Tom Rogers [8]

Both views are correct: The article both acknowledges that people labeled as nerds suffer social opprobrium and asserts that nerdiness is something to celebrate.

Writing Feedback / 'Everyone was burned to crisp' - "Jacob" - grammar for my Essay? [4]

Jacob was puzzled; he didn't know what to do.T hen suddenly he remembered the school' s fire plan, and he walked calmly to the small oval behind the school.

Student Talk / What's the biggest writing fail in your writing? [35]

Don't you mean "worst error"? One's biggest failing would be one's most common problem or error rather than an egregious one-time mistake.

Either meaning would make an interesting thread.

Undergraduate / '2D characters in 3D world' - Intellectual Vitality Essay - Stanford [7]

Love the premise and the first sentence. The second sentence is wonky, leaning me wondering who are these other students and where you all might be. You could maybe omit them and focus on your own reactions to the piece. In so doing, you might want to provide a more complete overview or synopsis of Flatland, for anyone unfamiliar with the work.

Writing Feedback / GRE: Corporate executives' responsibility [4]

I like the idea of suggesting that shareholders have wider interests as a way of staying within the fiduciary obligation of the corporate officer to serve the interests of the corporation and its shareholders while still suggesting that aims other than short-term profit are acceptable.

However, I worry about your failure to address the real question, which is whether corporate managers in their roles as managers have wider or other obligations than profitability.

Writing Feedback / Should we tell the truth always in order to preserve our friendship? [8]

For what purpose are you writing this essay?

I appreciate that you are trying to show both sides of the question, but in doing so you tend to contradict yourself. On the one hand, you call lying utterly evil. On the other hand, you say it is acceptable sometimes.

Writing Feedback / esssay -global warming&natural disasters [8]

You say that this is a research essay. If your sources support the statements that Sean has challenged, your statements can stand, provided that you adequately state and accurately represent reliable sources.

Undergraduate / (A cheating incident I was involved in) is essay topic is OK? [9]


Science contradicts you. Human beings are social animals biologically programed to seek inclusion and support from their social groups. That doesn't mean that people don't have the ability to resist the pressure. But the pressure itself is very real.

Undergraduate / help pick my essay topic (applying to art colleges) [10]

Show us what you've got so far for the Israel essay, and we'll see what we can do to help you punch it up.

Writing Feedback / Mistakes make success--GRE Issue [5]

Your arguments here are coherent and the essay is reasonably well organized, but your grammatical errors are so egregious that they will hurt your score very badly.

A couple of examples:


This should be, "the claim is phrased too absolutely" or "the absolute nature of the claim is unwarranted."


This should read, "In the 1990s, a great number of the batteries in Toshiba laptops were malfunctioning," or, even better, "In the 1990s, many batteries in Toshiba laptops malfunctioned."

Undergraduate / "How you?"; my first two words to my first teacher in the US -- Common app essay [8]


You must read the section in Maya Angelou's I Know Why the Caged Bird sings where the young protagonist describes her anguish at her grandmother's habit of asking "how you?" It's often excerpted as "Sister Flowers."

Writing Feedback / 'money and riches' - What Is the Purpose of Higher Education? [5]


"Throughout history" here is wrong. Feudalism has existed (and continues to exist) in particular places at particular times. In many places, the evolution has been from feudalism through mercantilism to capitalism. Always be careful not to inadvertently suggest that something has been true at all times and places.

Regardless of that quibble, I'm seeing why you wondered whether the essay makes sense. The problem is organization. Without proper organization and transitions, the essay jumps from idea to idea with no clear path.

Student Talk / Challenges for Chinese to Study English [20]

Yes, a general grammar thread would be good. However, since speakers of specific languages tend to have similar difficulties with English (speakers of Arabic have particular difficulty with prepositions, for example), I like the idea of this specific thread too.

Graduate / PhD - Social Work Research [13]

In social work, as in psychology, personal information is more likely to be included (and expected) than in other fields.

Writing Feedback / Appearance and society values--An GRE issue [9]


Tell us what you mean by that. I'm also curious about your insights on differences in thinking patterns.

Graduate / Personal statement fot Residency (Medicine) [6]

What you have now is coherent and possibly sufficient, but I'd like to see you say more about why you want to specialize in internal medicine specifically.

Student Talk / Challenges for Chinese to Study English [20]

Thank you for starting this thread! I will watch it carefully and jump in with any advice I can offer.

Writing Feedback / Moral and ethical standards and effective leadership--GRE issue [3]


Redundant.


Community members have to have high moral and ethical standards but individual leaders do not? That can't be what you mean. This needs to be rephrased to say whatever it is you do mean.

Graduate / PhD - Social Work Research [13]

You've covered all the bases and you are an especially strong candidate. You do a great job of starting with your childhood reflections and moving through to the present, working all of the needed information into the narrative. I'd tighten the narrative a bit, not necessarily by taking out any information but by being as concise as possible in phrasing. The only omission that is curious to me is that you mention tours in Iraq and after Katrina without any mention at all of the emotions that must have accompanied them. You don't need to disclose anything too personal, but it might be worthwhile to acknowledge that these were stressful events for you and that being part of a collective effort in such circumstances has deepened your awareness of the variety of human responses to stress and grief.

Writing Feedback / princeton summer- I practiced soccer with my cousins [4]

What is confusing to you?

This answer will be confusing to your readers, as it is disorganized and not broken into paragraphs. One minute you're playing soccer, the next we're visiting Notre Dame. Then soccer again. Stop. Breathe. Organize an answer in which you summarize how you spent the last two or three summers and then provide details of one or two particularly memorable summer events (such as your trips to Paris and London.)

Writing Feedback / Non-traditional Student College Personal Essay [6]

As it stands, your introduction is serviceable, but I'd like it to be stronger. You have a unique story. Why introduce it with a tired phrase?

Undergraduate / RISD SHORT ESSAY [16]

I would add that to what you had before, rather than replacing what you had before.

This is a truly charming essay, full of thoughtful reflection and vivid imagery. Now you need to fix the grammar. I'll invite our panel of experts to point out any errors they see.

My primary critique in that realm is that you must keep your verb tenses consistent. You are writing in past tense, but very frequently slip into present tense. Go back through the essay, verb by verb, making sure all of your verbs are in the proper tense.

Writing Feedback / Qualities to be a good and complete student [11]

Can you tell us for what purpose you have written this essay. It's listed as an undergraduate admission essay, but I suspect you may have written it for another purpose. Audience and purpose matter. Please tell us who provided the prompt in response to which you wrote this essay.