Undergraduate / Biology, "mock trial" - University of Michigan Essay [15]

I agree with all the above suggestions - the first version of the essay made no sense whatsoever. The second one is a definite improvement, but I think more than anything the use of "big" words without knowing the meaning of them, makes the essay a complete mess. Here are some instances which I think you should look into -


What do you mean by this? Was it a situation that existed or was it an imaginary situation that you had created in your mind?


Again, what do you mean you attempted to find "inhibit"?


This sentence should perhaps read - I had no other motive than to indulge my curiosity. I had every scenario played out in my mind before I had even started, and gave each considerable importance.


A subject cannot be imperious, people can be imperious.


This is toooo verbose - try to use simpler words. You will not be impressing the Adcom through your use of such big words.


transpired does not fit in here - I presume you meant "inspired"


what do you mean compatible with you?


Your curiosity cannot be the pioneer, you might be the pioneer. Also what do you mean by 'the central dogma that is biology" what is biology the central dogma to??

I would suggest you redo your entire essay removing all these unnecessary words and replace them with simpler language.

Undergraduate / 'apples and apple seed' common app essay: influencial person [4]

chocodollar


My parents divorced when I was four


I used to look at all the things that I do not have instead of what I do.


other children who had both their parents, attended family ...


For she has made me who I am today.


My mother used to tell me about herself at bedtime.


Her parents were divorced and she used to live with my alcoholic grandmother.


she lived during the most difficult period of Chinese history


She did not resign herself to her fate.

You need to check this essay thoroughly. There are too many grammatical and spelling errors. The idea is good but you must get your grammar right.

Undergraduate / 'School bus and sirens' - Meaningful Event/Experience-Does this qualify? [9]

The beginning is excellent. It's a nice story and has a nice moral to it. Anything that changes your perspective on life is a meaningful experience. You just need to tie it up to how it will effect your UF experience. I'm sure you'll do a good job. All the best!

Undergraduate / 'As I stood in the murky spotlight...' college application essay - over the word count limit [7]

The entire first sentence can be shortened drastically.
Also you can remove superfluous words which in the long run make a big difference.


I battled my nerves on stage...instead of "while on stage"


At that moment my future looked clear to me.
Or
At that moment my desires for my future were clear to me.


These two sentences are repetitious...you could use one - either


OR

Undergraduate / My world-- UC personal statement [3]

See if you can say anything positive about your parents while you're at it - this sounds completely negative and sounds like you're cribbing about them.

Also you need to get your tenses right, you jump from present to past to future a bit-


so I did as much as I could.


What dates are these by the way? Specify.
The rest is ok.

Undergraduate / UIUC Application essay help (Civil Engineering/Dance) [6]


contradiction - dance requires balance. At least imo.
The rest of the essays are ok. Just change the cliched first line in essay 1 as Silent mentioned.

Undergraduate / "the city of Las Vegas" - Describe the world you come from [21]

As people drive into the city of Las Vegas, their first thoughts usually are...

Just a connecting sentence between the first two paragraphs might help ie on the lines of Las Vegas being a big party place, my parents were a little particular about laying the right ethical and moral foundation. Besides this, they wanted us to see what the rest of the world was like rather than being limited to the bright lights of Vegas so we travelled a lot. Though I was always interested in Marine Biology, my first dive off the island of..., during a scuba training course was when i first realised...etc etc...

This will help to connect the first para about Vegas, and your travel and interest in marine biology.

Hope this helps :-) All the best!

Undergraduate / "Why essay" for help. [4]

Sorry to be so blunt - but it sounds a bit childish to want to study business merely to be an "executive" in Manhattan. There has to be something more to it than that. Where are the other factors? Did nothing else happen to reinforce that first impression?

Perhaps you can give a few more images - global travel as a business executive, controlling the future and fortunes of major companies, etc

Undergraduate / Very rough, very cliche essay (significant experience). Common App [16]

Ok - now that everyone seems to have murdered the essay, here's my m-t-m to revive it a bit.
I think on the whole the essay is pretty well written, grammatically correct (mostly)and keeps the interest.
A couple of things that jarred, or didn't make sense -


This does not gel with your earlier statement -


How did you get the A's without ever studying? Even geniuses have to study, perhaps not as much as the others but they do study!


As somebody mentioned earlier, this sounds less like a genius and more like someone who is just plain lazy! Not a good or the correct impression to give the admissions committee.

I think the rest is fine. I don't know why a parent should not be concerned about a child's grades. I'm sure most kids discuss them with their parents, so I think that part is fine.

All the best!

Undergraduate / "our school government campaign" - common app short answer! [4]

Idea is good, essay and English is fine too, only thing perhaps you should talk about a bit more is how you suddenly changed from a bumbling mutterer to an eloquent speaker. Did someone motivate you, inspire you to change? Or perhaps you can start off with your passionate desire to be a speaker and why, which motivated you to work harder .

Undergraduate / Cooking, for me, is like art. Common App Short Answer [4]

IMO the essay works fine. Nice beginning, nice comparison between cooking and art.

Undergraduate / UT Austin undergraduate transfer essay. Issue of importance: Safe Passing Bill [10]

I think the essay is very well written, good opening, good argument and an issue which affects you directly, rather than something pretentious like an economic policy which relates to China or some such.

Some grammatical mistakes, just check through.
The only part I did not particularly like was the direct "attack" on a particular member of the political community. This does not sound nice in a well thought out and unbiased essay. I think you should just leave it at Governor Perry vetoing the bill


This sounds rather like a threat and doesn't work within this essay. End with your last line, re that you will continue to work for it.

Undergraduate / "To stand out among 40,000+ students" - umich diversity essay [5]

You have not answered the question that has been asked -


Where is the experience that helped you appreciate the differences in cultures etc?


How will your experiences as an Arab American and your achievements contribute to the diversity of the university?
Where are your achievements, your experiences and your culture in this essay? All I can see are your ideas about diversity.


What experiences?


How will you stand out?


What does Wolverine in this context mean?

Undergraduate / Why GWU, Any comments? [4]

Invest in a little research about the university before you write about why it is a good fit for you. Find out what about the university really excites you - apart from the fact that it has a beautiful campus, and that Washington is where Obama lives/works.

Check out the courses, especially the one you want to study, how would these courses help you achieve your goals. Check out the extracurriculars - the student clubs, workshops, events. See how all these fit in with your ambitions, desires, etc.

This will give the adcom a clearer idea of what kind of person you are, what you are looking for and how you would fit in with the student community at the univ.

Undergraduate / Common App - Short Essay (Yoga) [9]

I guess those who know something about Yoga would know about the dog, but then it's not necessary that all those reading the essay would know about it. So perhaps you should change it.

Undergraduate / Personal statement on Physics (UCAS); I scratch my head in frustration. [4]

I like the idea behind the introductory paragraph...only it is a wee bit confusing.


Did you mean - Ever think about turning Harry Potter's magical wand real - by multiplying it with "i" ?
What is "i" by the way?
The rest as the others said is - charming :-)


Not sure about the use of the word - clung
You might need to check your grammar too - simple things like missing out on articles or use of unnecessary ones - the, an, a etc

Your last two paragraphs though not "incoherent" seem to have no connection whatsoever to the previous ones. You could try to link your desire for leadership roles to your pioneering zeal and your eagerness to go where no man/woman has gone before.

The last line/paragraph needs a drastic makeover!

Undergraduate / From a public school to a private, small, all-girls, Catholic high school - I need a simile [10]

I agree "crying hysterically" on the first day of school is not something one would associate with a high-school student, although perhaps you are that kind of a person - emotionally expressive, which is fine I guess, if that is what you want to portray.

Couple of things that struck me as a bit odd -


Did you mean your mother's encircling arm? comforting arm? what?
also -


Clearly this is a girl you are seeing/meeting for the first time in your life - how would you know this is the "same" and "perpetually" wrinkled skirt, when this is the first time you are seeing her?

Regarding the simile - you could say it was the equivalent of Lucy walking into the frozen wastes of Narnia? Or Wendy walking into Neverneverland?

Undergraduate / "my abilities and talents" - UT Austin statement of purpose. [4]

Very powerful and moving story. Also good connection between what you want to do, but you need to be a bit more specific. What course would help you to help your community, country, society? How would this specific course help you?


How did you do this? Or how do you intend to do this?


I agree with Simone, this sentence can be done without as it sounds rather pretentious. Perhaps -
Today I am passionate about helping people in times of crisis and distress.


Here I would have to disagree with Simone. Some of the sentences do require the I am, I have format. This sentence works fine -


On the other hand -


These could just be modified a bit -
I have since dedicated myself to my community and the greater good. Currently serving as a crisis counselor for the ....I am also actively involved with ...

Undergraduate / Common App - Short Essay (Yoga) [9]


The word "Abundance" doesn't work. Perhaps - "a number of" would sound better - as in - ALthough I participate in a number of ...


Would read better if - which has strengthened my body and mind and improved my overall well being.
Also what is a "dog" in Yoga?

The rest seems fine. Is this the short answer for common application - activity? You could start directly by describing what Yoga does for you and end with the first sentence.

As in - Yoga is the one activity which helps me seperate myself from the world and its material concerns and concentrate on my inner spiritual and mental needs.

Undergraduate / PEOPLE CHANGES THEIR JOB AND PLACE REGULARLY DUE TO CAREER. DISCUSS [6]

I think it would help if people were to write which university/school the essay is for and also the word limit. Sometimes the biggest problem with an essay is its length. I think Adcoms do seriously dismiss students who go way over the word limit. So for a better critique people should write who it is for and what the word limit is.

Undergraduate / COMMON APP ACTIVITIES ESSAY ANY HELP WOULD BE GREAT THANKS!! [14]

ROFL.

Just FYI many articles have been written on the fact that non native English speakers often write and teach better English than native English teachers.

Undergraduate / COMMON APP ACTIVITIES ESSAY ANY HELP WOULD BE GREAT THANKS!! [14]

Except for the first sentence, the rest of the essay seems to be fine. Concise yet gives all the details. I think it works.

Undergraduate / "no other choice but to become Saudi" - Describe the world you come from [8]

The thing is that there are positive things and there are negative things in all countries - the essay is not asking to discuss the negative or positive aspects of a country, but how they shaped her as a human being.

If Mayada has to discuss the negative aspects, she must specify how they affected her - did they make her stronger, more determined to get out and take charge of her own destiny, make her frustrated and give up on her dreams, inspire her to help other women?

Schools often look for students who are different, outstanding, unique - they look for potential leaders, people who can make a difference.
What Mayada needs to do with this essay is to show how inspite of all odds she is an achiever, someone who can rise above her circumstances. Crying about her situation in life is not going to appeal to the admission counselor no matter which part of the world she comes from!

Undergraduate / "I will write" - UC Transfer Personal Statement [5]

On the whole well written, interesting beginning, but I second Simone in that some of the similes and phrases are rather cliched. You need to come up with something more original.

Also a couple of grammatical mistakes -

Not only had I broke (should read - broken) my wrist, but during that same time I discovered that I (don't need this at all - can just write - but also had a torn rotator cuff ) had a torn rotator cuff.

Undergraduate / "Asperger's Syndrome patients" - COMMON APP SHORT ANSWER [3]

Could you include the essay question and the word limit? Would be able to help better if I knew what it was about. On the whole the essay is good especially the last paragraph. Couple of comments/corrections -

I talked with Nick daily, asking about his life and what makes him happy - it should me - made
- showing me a world paradigm filled with trust and innocence ( What do you mean by "world paradigm" ?)
rare caliber of emotion for a child with Asperger's. ( I might be wrong but I don't think you can have a "caliber" of emotion)

Undergraduate / "no other choice but to become Saudi" - Describe the world you come from [8]

I think you are concentraring on what is negative about your country. The question asks for you to describe your country and environment and how it shaped you. Even if you want to point out something negative about your country, you need to say how it shaped you. Are you saying that because Saudi Arabia did not give you the opportunities it gives its male members, you wanted to move out of the country and settle elsewhere? If this is the case it has not come out clearly.