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Posts by xyx0905
Joined: Mar 14, 2012
Last Post: Apr 22, 2012
Threads: 16
Posts: 49  
From: Australia

Displayed posts: 65 / page 2 of 2
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xyx0905   
Apr 13, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS Topic:Environmental issues"international Cooperation vs National participation" [7]

Environmental problems are too big for individual countries and individual people to address. We have reached the stage where the only way to protect the environment is at en international level. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In recent years, the discussion about the protection of nature environment has become a controversy. Therefore, some start to believe that the residents and authorities at national level are unable to tackle the environmental trouble, whereas the perfect approach is the international collaboration. Generally speaking, this is not the case. 50

It is recognised that the international cooperation is a preferred option under some circumstances. Firstly, it is able to settle those complicate environmental issues such as climate change. Kyoto Protocol Agreement, for example, establishes a standard internationally to require different countries to reduce their greenhouse emissions. In this case, a single nation's effort is much less significant than a group contribution. Secondly, the international alignment has the financial advantage to develop advanced technologies to address the environmental matters. This is because most of those exploitation are long term developments which increase the financial pressure for a country itself. 98

However, it is undeniable that the participations of individuals and local government are indispensable. According to the distinct environmental conditions in different regions, those particular governmental policies are more practicable than the international synergy. For intense, China, a country with huge population, supermarkets are imposed to place a charge of using plastic shopping bags in order to lower the white pollution nationally. Moreover, citizen's involvements are always valuable and considerable in their society. Those practices such as applying recyclable cutlery instead of disposal ones in a family event and purchasing an environmental-friendly vehicle for travel are significantly alleviate the resource shortage and air pollution. 104

In conclusion, it is convincing that the international consociation is useful in some situations. However, countries are usually not alike where the contributions at national level cannot overlooked. 28 / 280
xyx0905   
Apr 13, 2012
Writing Feedback / Change in life- Two different opinions. [5]

Hi Zarafi,

I guess you write at least more than 330 words in this attempt? In a real test, do you think you are able to complete a 330 words writing within 40mins? I suggest that always control your word limit and time limit is good for you.

Humankind history shows that people have always been looking forward changes in various aspects. Flourishing new societies, new innovations, immigrations, etc, are the clear-cut instances that reveal the tendency of human being to change and manipulate his surrounded environment. All these examples, however, are regard to long-term changes. For te short period of time, people's attitudes toward change are different. Some think that change is a useful thing, while others prefer to continue rest of their life in a routine way. This essay tries to discuss both these viewpoints.

1. 89 words, my 1st paragraph in my body is about 100-110 words, your introduction is bit complicate to understand. the question is just simply ask you some prefer to do same thing in their life time, others prefer change is beneficial, discuss the both view and give your opinion.

2. "This essay tries to discuss both these viewpoints." this is so-called template sentences. Please try to write in your own word and give your position.

The belief of living with no change stems from several important psychological and physiological issues. People who have grown up in a static atmosphere without creativity, would usually like to maintain their situations. In fact, they are conservative individuals that always afraid of any changes. Secondly, some people inherently are cautious and conservative. It is shown that some characteristics are with people as they are born. In other words, they genetically live according to a routine schedule with no change. Consequently, this viewpoint is derived from the people's intrinsic and external environmental effects.

Personally speaking, this paragraph is supposed to present the advantages of unchanged life => this question is only use "same things", so that "same things" could be doing a job, or maintain a unchanged lifestyle. In another words, this is open style IELTS question, difficult to achieve good score in Task Response part, as it is open so anything is able to become your ideas.

Here is my ideas in the 2nd paragraph:

doing a unchanged job for relatively long period of time => advantages: internal promotion and a sense of security of their employment

maintaining a unchanged habit for a long time => advantages: minimise the risk to try new things (sometimes trying new things could cause financial lost), there are good reasons to keep a habit for life time such as mental and physical well-being.

I have prepared a topic " doing same job for same organisation v.s. change job frequently" is currently open in this forum. I think one of my ideas in the 3rd paragraph can be use in your question.

cheers
xyx0905   
Apr 13, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: In certain cultures old age is considered to be more important [12]

Hi alirulez,

Some people think that young people is indispensable for the development of the society. Whereas , others, whilst may content that older people's contribution towards better society is colossal.

1. We contrast facts and ideas between sentences using expressions such as However, By contrast, On the other hand, etc. We contrast facts and ideas within a sentence using words such as whereas and while. - extract from IELTS TRAINER page 43 (Hashemi and Thomas)

Here "whereas" should change to "However" if you change the "full stop" after the society to "coma" then whereas can stay.

2. "whilst may" personally speaking, should be deleted.

Therefore, the following is my attempt:

While some people believe that the young is indispensable for the development of the society, others claim that the seniors' contribution to the society is more significant. that's the position, you support the older generation is more valuable to the society.
xyx0905   
Apr 13, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Financial success enables individuals to acquire a comfortable and relaxing life [7]

Hi Jaijagadeesh,

Thank you for your message.

A billionaire suffering from chronic disease would not (is unlikely) to enjoy normal life, despite of having surplus money he is (has no choice but to) abandon to travel (travelling around world) or even have (deleted) an ordinary meal (taste a delicious food). N.B.: a word "ordinary" is no appropriate to use here, I understand you want to say a normal meal, but "ordinary" has a derogatory sense, means, a person or things is nothing or no special.

Moreover,a good human relations (I will use "interpersonal relationship rather than human relation) play an important role in alleviating mental agony and keeps harmonies life,in spite affluence one failed to maintain content relations with his family or friends his's/her's life would be far from solace.

cheers
xyx0905   
Apr 13, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Financial success enables individuals to acquire a comfortable and relaxing life [7]

Hi Scarlet_bouquet,

This is my position at conclusion, but I didn't use "I"

However, other elements such as physical well-being and family affection should also be indispensable supplements.

Sure, I am glad to help you but not grammatical issues. :-)

By the way, many of my essay are only about 260-290 words, the reason why I keep all my writings within this word limit is that I strongly believe in the exam I have no time to write lot lot words, but I can keep it simple, clear, minimise the grammatical errors. If I clearly deliver my ideas, and with no major grammatical errors, I deserve a decent mark, shouldn't I?

Cheers
xyx0905   
Apr 13, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS Topic: Same job for a same company VS change job frequently [4]

Some people prefer the same job for a same company, but others like to change jobs frequently. Discuss the both side and give your own preference.

With the economic growth in recent years, while some employees intend to commit the same position in one organisation for a long time, others are keen to explore their possibilities in different enterprises. Generally speaking, the latter practice is more desirable than the former one in the modern society. 49

It is accepted that individuals who committing an unchanged job for a relatively long period of time gain some benefits. One is that it increases their chances of international promotion. Unlike job-hoppers, loyal employees are usually deemed as the highly skilled and experienced human talent because of their comprehensive understanding of their businesses' operations and administrations. Secondly, staff could obtain a sense of security through a long term service. The reason for this is that they are likely to receive the priority when comes to salary package review and employment contract renewal. 92

However, there are arguments in favour of changing job regularly. Firstly, job-hopping maximises a higher remuneration possibility and brings a more promising career prospect. Sports professionals, for instance, frequently transfer the clubs they are playing for is an ideal strategy to obtain more opportunities to present in a number of international and well-known competitions. Moreover, if the jobs the candidates are engaging with currently suits neither their personality nor skills or qualification they hold, trying other types of opportunities is a preferred change. As a result, the circumstance destructs their mental soundness and their potentials in other areas. 98

In conclusion, it is convincing that non job-hoppers enjoy some benefits from long term employment. However, the merits of changing job regularly could be beneficial for employees to maintain a positive career orientation and health well-being.

36 / 275
xyx0905   
Apr 13, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Financial success enables individuals to acquire a comfortable and relaxing life [7]

incredibley economic growthing

there has no " growthing " found in dictionary. "growth" is a noun. there has no "ing" form of a noun. in the normal circumstance, you can add "ing" to a verb to make a word to verb-ing form or adjective.

It is accepted (I think it's better to use: It is undeniable)

It is accepted is better than it is undeniable in this essay writing, the reason is my position is to support in order to obtain a sense of happiness, i believe economic success is just one of component. I tend to support the factors in my third paragraph. So the word "accept" is medium power to use here. Normally I use " it is undeniable" in the paragraph which represents my position.

would be are

again, I rarely use virtual voice in the paragraph which represents my position. however, I agree with you that "are likely" may not appropriate. probably i can change to " could become"

it is convincing (I recommend to use: I am convinced that)

My writing style is: if possible avoid all "I" or "Our" or "My" in the introduction and conclusion. Therefore, I prefer to use it is convincing.

Thank you for your help. Cheers

xyx0905
xyx0905   
Apr 11, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS Question: Freedom of Creative Artists: restriction or not? [9]

Hi there,

thank you for your message. I have no problem to your opinion. But my conclusion is 1-2sentence. I used to give 1-2 sentences more and even use that additional 1-2 sentences to provide my future predictions or suggestions, in fact, the comments told me I should stay with 1-2 sentences to restate my two paragraphs, that will be fine. So I only give 2 sentences now. :-)
xyx0905   
Apr 11, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Financial success enables individuals to acquire a comfortable and relaxing life [7]

1. Some people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on different factors. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

With the incredible economic growth has significantly improved people's living standards in recent decades, some start to believe that a happy life is mainly base on a solid economic foundation. However, others claim that other factors should also be taken into account. 42

It is accepted that financial success enables individuals to acquire a comfortable and relaxing life, in which a sense of joyful enormously enhanced. When bearing a heavy financial pressure, people rarely have the ability to develop their own interest. In contrast, wealthy ones have a freedom to do what they preferred as money is no longer a top issue. In addition, the possession of economic wealth elevates a person's cheerful feeling, as it is an essential part of self-fulfilment. The huge amount of fortune is not only recognition of an individual's hardworking but also a reward for their great talents and strong will. 103

However, happiness is constituted by other non-monetary related components. Firstly, a health body is a prerequisite to achieve a enjoyable life. If some people were unwell in bed for years, they could neither appreciate scenic views around the world nor taste delicious food of nations. In this case, these individuals are unlikely to become the happy ones. Secondly, a harmonious and close relationship with friends and families makes contribution to happiness. This is because that support and care from their beloved ones enable them to dispel negative feelings and have a positive attitude towards future life. 96

In conclusion, it is convincing financial strength can be regarded as a factor to achieve a happy life. However, other elements such as physical well-being and family affection should also be indispensable supplements. 33 / 274
xyx0905   
Apr 11, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 - bar and pie charts (the results of a survey of adult education) [5]

Hi there,

I recommend you go for following two books:

IELTS Trainer (Authors: Hashemi and Thomas)

Collins English for Exam - Writing for IELTS

The first one provides you very detail steps how you make your Task 1 perfectly. I like this one. Collins is ok, lots of practice, this book covers 12 topic in different areas such as: gender role, health, education, language, environment, biodiversity etc.

Cheers
xyx0905   
Apr 11, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Government should contol Violent Movies and TV programs? [3]

Thank you for your message.

"Actually, this is correct in many real life situation. " this is my opinion, it means I agree with the question's statement. Is that not enough?

Yes, I need develop my ideas little further. But if I do, my words will go beyond 300, in the real exam, to be honest, it's not a wise way to write a essay more than 300 words, the more you write, the more mistakes you may make to lose mark. If I can express my ideas clearly, and with at least 1 sentence to support my ideas, I can control my words between 270-295 of my all my writings. This is because I think if I write 300 words + but I have more mistakes than the one only have about 270-295 words, then it's not worth to do. Some mistakes will make your essay no sense to the examiner or even misleading he or she. In that case, your mark will deducted with no doubts. I read some model answers from Cambridge IELTS 5-8, there are only very small amount of those model answers which over 320 words.

Cheers
xyx0905   
Apr 11, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: early retirement for 55+ employees to help younger people [7]

Thank you. I rarely use "I" in my introduction to state my opinion. But my position was already established in the Introduction. "Others claim." As far as I know, academic writing is supposed to avoid "I" as much as you can to prevent your writing become too subjective for the reader.

Cheers
xyx0905   
Mar 17, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS Question: Freedom of Creative Artists: restriction or not? [9]

Hi there,

--The controversy over freedom of artistic expression is a fundamental one that affects everyone with the ability to communicate, which is, nearly every person on the planet. While some believe that government intervention in public speech is necessary to prevent public harm, others believe that government restriction is an injustice. Although I believe that free artistic expression may lead to spiritual enjoyment and aesthetic appreciation, I also believe that ________.

Ideally, I wouldn't go for your version. Until the second half sentence (writer's position), already 69 words. In the test, I would like to say that I never wrote such long introduction. My word limit for introduction is around 35-55. But anyway, thank you for your help.
xyx0905   
Mar 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS Question: Freedom of Creative Artists: restriction or not? [9]

Hi Liu,

Thank you for your help. Cheers. About conclusion, when I took the IELTS training course, tutor mentioned, conclusion just restate the information in your main body (2 paragraphs), so that, I followed. Anyway, thank you for your comments!

Cheers

X.Wang
xyx0905   
Mar 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS Question: Freedom of Creative Artists: restriction or not? [9]

Creative artists should be given freedom to express their ideas (words, pictures, music or films). However, some people think government should restrict them sometimes. Discuss the both view and give your own opinion.

Nowadays the discussion about the authority of innovative artists has become a controversy. While some individuals believe that government ought to prohibit some of the unconventional artistic works to be publicised, others claim that they are supposed to entitle the rights to present their thoughts in the ways they prefer. 50

Admittedly, creative movies which contain frantic and erotic images need to be restricted for its publicity. Firstly, it could destruct minors' mental developments. Unlike the adults, children are often curious and keen to imitate the behaviours which have been sighted from TV programs, possibly because they are mentally immature and incapable of distinguishing the true meanings. Secondly, freeing artists' creation could arouse the misleading in the society. For example,singular artists are likely to use the subjective and critical languages and symbols when they turn a historical event into a documentary to achieve their reputation and economic profits. 98

However, promoting creative artists to convey their opinions has plenty of merits. From the national level, paintings could be one of the most meaningful objects which represents a nation's identity and its culture in many international communication. Thus, in order to prevent a country becoming less known and assimilated, encouraging the innovation of the unconventional art works would be a necessity. From the individual level, vogue art works could satisfy people's spiritual enjoyment. For instance, a stylish sculptures can be used as a decorations, which could be wonderful for creating a comfortable and relaxing living and office environment. 100

In conclusion, even though innovative arts bring some negative influences, it is convincing that they are one of indispensable parts of national identity and citizen's spiritual enjoyment. 27 / 275

P.S. I am the one always find that topics about art, history, culture, language and tourism industry are difficult to come up with substantial ideas!
xyx0905   
Mar 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / younger workers are preferred than elders [2]

Hi there,

I have just submitted an essay writing which was about: why some companies encourage employees who over 55 to retire in order to release more positions for younger generation (such as fresh graduates or young adults).

Happy to share the writing experience with you. Cheers
xyx0905   
Mar 15, 2012
Writing Feedback / Juvenile delinquents should undertake such punishments as cleaning the streets or [6]

This is my attempt (5 paragraph) I suggest that I don't have any grammar errors in the first two paragraph.

Question: In some countries, young criminals were not in prison, instead, they are required to do unpaid work in the community. Do you think it has more advantages or disadvantages?

With juvenile delinquency becoming a common social phenomenon in recent years, an increasing number of people have begun to challenge the traditional practice of sending them to jail. They argue that community service is a more feasible alternative to imprisonment. Actually, this method has more merits than demerits.

Admittedly, putting young offenders to community work would be incapable of deterring potential illegal activities. This is because they could move around in the society without any restrictions of their freedom. As a result, there would be a high possibility for those minors to commit future wrongdoings without thinking the price. Besides, innocent victims and their families may feel unsafe if the convicts would not be subjected to jail term.

However, serving works in the community without pay would be a perfect opportunity for those young lawbreakers to raise their legal awareness. Due to a strong curiosity, they may lack basic perception about what are right things to do. In those cases, young wrongdoers would simply try such an excitement as so-called heroism with a unspecific purpose.

Moreover, it is beneficial for young criminals to enhance their adaptability to social setting by means of working with no monetary reward. For those young offenders, staying in the blockhouse would cause irrecoverable psychological damages. Therefore, they may be unlikely to readapt to future social environment successfully. In contrast, involving in voluntary work helps them to acquire substantial practical skills and enable them to hold a positive attitude towards new life.

In conclusion, even though sending young lawbreakers to do community service may not tackle the potential crimes, it is convincing that the merits of doing community work are crucial and cannot be overlooked as well.
xyx0905   
Mar 15, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: early retirement for 55+ employees to help younger people [7]

Some people believe that in order to give opportunities to new generations, companies should encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire. Do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays the discussion about whether the businesses are supposed to prescribe the retirement age at fifty-five to offer more job vacancies for younger generation has become a controversy. Some believe that is a perfect attempt to support the young, others claim that this is not the case. 47

Admittedly, encouraging the workers to retire at age of fifty-five to release the positions for younger job seekers has some merits. Firstly, fresh graduates are likely to bring a number of practical and applicable ideas to meet the current needs of the organisation. This is because they have been instilled and imparted the most updated knowledge and skills at universities. Secondly, having a larger proportion of young adults could enhance the working effectiveness and efficiency. Compared with aged staffs, younger employees are often physically stronger and energetic which enables them to carry out heavy workload to meet the deadline. 99

However, sacrificing the senior members to save the young workers poses several negative influences. From personal level, it fosters a sense of unfairness between the older and younger generations. It is undeniable that every person within the business enterprise has the rights to proceed their work as long as they are capable of doing it, disregard the age and physical capacity. From social perspective, massively forcing the early retirement would be one of financial burden to the local government. For example, sufficient pension payments and regular medical care should be given and arranged for the senior citizens after they have been imposed to terminate their employment permanently. 109

In conclusion, even though the introduction of the early retirement has some benefits, it is convincing that it would generate a sense of discrimination among different age groups and increase the government financial pressure accordingly. 35 / 289
xyx0905   
Mar 15, 2012
Writing Feedback / What extent to you agree on that capital punishment essential to control violence? [2]

I wrote a similar topic: the advantages and disadvantages of the introduction of fix punishments

Advantages of fix punishment: 1.) effective and efficient judicial procedure -> there is no wastage of tax payers' money / 2.) fix punishment could act as a warning for people who may commit to potential criminal activities -> a price of the law violation has been clearly presented.

Disadvantage of fix punishment: 1.) pose a sense of unfairness between serious and non-criminal convictions -> consider the actual circumstance (self-protect, the convicts actually the victims in the scene); 2.) for minors, fix punishment could cause a number of psychological problems -> (autistic or self-mutilation, => refuse to interact with others in the society, negative attitude towards their future life, cannot reintegrate to the social environment)
xyx0905   
Mar 15, 2012
Writing Feedback / ielts - the proportion of older people and positive / negative effects [2]

This is IELTS exam topic on the 10th March 2012 (Academic Module) - Australia

I wrote 4 paragraph, apart from Intro and Conclusion my two main paragraphs are as following:

Paragraph 1: more elderly would pose some negative influence -> a) government financial burden (pension payment, medical care arrangements); b) young families (work and childcare responsibilities) may feel difficult to manage how to balance the two, or three side (look after their grandparents)

Paragraph 2: however, it is convincing that it would be a positive development -> a) senior citizens have many valuable experience and skills about every day life (they could be the guider or adviser to those younger people how to deal with different sort of things, e.g. such as fix a washing machine); b) due to the growing ageing population, it would promote the development of relevant industry - home-aid appliance ( explain: these equipments are great to support them if the family members or carers away from them)

I don't know whether I hit the right point, but I wrote a similar topic before - "should aged people stay with their families or nursing home? why?
xyx0905   
Mar 14, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Government should contol Violent Movies and TV programs? [3]

There is more and more violence in movies and on TV, therefore it is necessary for the government to control the amount of it to decrease the violent crimes in the society. Do you agree of disagree?

With the development of multimedia entertainment in recent decades, there has been a growing tendency that assaultive behaviours are constantly presented in the films and TV series. Therefore, most people start to believe that the relevant authorities should administer its rise. Actually, this is correct in many real life situations. 50

Admittedly, violent TV programs bring some benefits to the society. Firstly, it could entertain the individuals who have had an eventful day at workplace. This is because a series of the aggressive TV episodes are exciting and stimulating which would be beneficial for the daily commuters to refresh their mind and release the work-related stress. Secondly, due to the popularity of action movies, every year a huge amount of tax paid from the film producers would become one of significant contributions to government's tax revenue. Under this circumstance, the money could be used to aid other citizens in the community who need an urgent support. 105

However, disseminating the massive unrestricted violent contents on the screen pose a number of negative influences. For the younger generation, it would destruct their mental developments. Unlike the adults, minors are often curious and keen to imitate the violent behaviours which have been sighted from TV programs, possibly because they are mentally immature and incapable of distinguishing the right and wrong. For adults who lack of self-control abilities, an excessive broadcast of the violent action-movies could act as their references to engage with potential criminal activities. The reason for this is that they are able to acquire the essential skills and experience for committing crimes. 105

In conclusion, even though frantic movies or TV programs have some advantages, it is convincing that providing the action movies to the public without restrictions would cause the mental illness of young children and substantial potential convictions. 37 / 297

N.B.: I am a English grammar disable. This could confine my final band score in the exam. Thank you everyone who could help me to tackle my grammar problems.

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