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Posts by Kitsumi
Joined: Jan 1, 2013		 Last Post: Mar 9, 2013
Threads: 4
Posts: 97  

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Kitsumi   
Jan 5, 2013
Undergraduate / A PERMANENT MARK; COMMON APP/Significant experience [3]

The title is well-chosen. You talked about the events leading up to your experience and what happened after. Now show HOW the lesson have impacted you. Have you stopped grooming yourself every morning?

It was a Sunday morning-I clearly remember- when I had woken up completely mystified.

You don't need the "I clearly remember", it just breaks the flow. "when I woke up", not "when I had woken up".

Somehow the clichĂŠ "Never judge a book by its cover" seemed to fit perfectly in the jigsaw of my life

"seems" is the present tense.

would remain with me my whole life

"will" is the future tense.
Kitsumi   
Jan 5, 2013
Undergraduate / STAR WARS; Georgetown/ Significance of the school or summer activity [4]

What is the IMF? Expand it, and then put in brackets IMF after, so people know what you're talking about when you bring it up again.

Don't you think it is impossible to eradicate war since people act egotistically

Are you asking, "Do you think..." or are you asking, "Do not you think"? The second doesn't make any sense. Yoda sound you like.

Japanese staff

I realized you're Japanese on your last paragraph, so I was rather confused as to why you specified the Japanese staff. After all, they are not as involved in war as US, so why did you choose them specifically? If you don't want to bring it up in your essay, just say "staff".

war will continue living on the earth

1. War is not alive. Perhaps use a different metaphor?
2. Earth is capitalized.
3. You don't need "the" in front of "Earth".

Since the location of Georgetown, Washington DC, the center of the global politics and excellence of education of international relations provided by The Walsh School of Foreign Service (SFS) match my ideal educational place, I decided to go to The Walsh School of Foreign Service and major in international politics

Georgetown is located in Washington DC, the centre of global politics. The Walsh School of Foreign Service has an excellent international relations program, where I intend to major in international politics.

General note: do not use contractions.
Kitsumi   
Jan 5, 2013
Scholarship / I Took a Risk - I joined the Cross Country Team SCHOLARSHIP [2]

It's a nice answer, and showed how you challenged yourself. HOWEVER, is it really a risk? You joined the team for fun, but what did you risk?

Also, could you separate this into paragraphs? I just don't like looking at big blocks of text, it's rather intimidating. And no contractions. The tone of this essay is a bit more formal than the other ones, so take out the contractions. Lastly, your conclusion sounds a bit odd verb tense wise.

I have never regretted my decision to join the cross-country team

Does that mean you will regret your decision? Probably not, right? So something like, "I never have, nor never will regret".
Kitsumi   
Jan 5, 2013
Undergraduate / Doctor Who; COMMON APP/ Act of folly [6]

Oh yeah. Do you know if these three essays are supposed to be formal or not? Because your tone here is very informal, but you carried it throughout the essay so there's no glaring oddities. Oh, another point I didn't mention beforehand;

It goes against everything I believe in

What is it that you believe in? The readers don't know. You could believe that committing mass genocide is the only way for the Earth to be pure again.

Also, what are you doing still up at 2 in the morning? You have school in two days, and I bet you have homework to do.

... I'm sounding like a hypocrite. Annnnd now I'm off to bed. Hopefully I'll be less hypocritical this afternoon :P
Kitsumi   
Jan 5, 2013
Undergraduate / Foolish means lacking in sense, judgement and/or discretion; What is an act of folly? [10]

After reading yours, I'm more tempted to write about the numerous stupid things Harry Potter has done, than edit this essay. Honestly, there are so many plot holes there that I can exploit... I might even scrap this one and write about the follies Harry has gone through :P I can't believe he actually survived all those times with Voldemort. Plus, the epilogue doesn't even improve anything; the prejudices are still there, Ron is a lying piece of ____, and Binns is probably still teaching.

I guess Baby formulas are a bit random, but I have issues thinking up of mistakes. I make them all the time but thinking of a specific example? I think the part about the band is even more random.
Kitsumi   
Jan 5, 2013
Undergraduate / Doctor Who; COMMON APP/ Act of folly [6]

This is so cute! The only issue you might, just might run into is somebody (or two judges) who don't appreciate the wonders of BBC.

Essay-wise; your very first word is wrong. I was confused by "Sail of the century", as I thought of ships on an ocean. I think you mean sale?

A hole in your logic - you're assuming the alien HAS parents. What if they were orphans? And what if the alien is just psychopathic regardless? Well then, you're blaming the issues of the current generation on the old generation, how inconsiderate XD

Start a new paragraph each time somebody begins (or finishes) talking. That way the dialogue is not all cluttered. And you're excluding "her" in the "him or it" part. Also, make up a number and stick with it. You said 5 billion at the beginning, but that number quickly diminished to 5 million. That's quite a bit!
Kitsumi   
Jan 5, 2013
Undergraduate / I am defined by my inquisitiveness - SUPPLEMENT [6]

The help me with mine is automatic. The minute you open a new thread, the help me with mine will get added on to your pre-existing posts. However, they only show your two most recent threads, so for your other threads people will have to go to your profile to see them.
Kitsumi   
Jan 5, 2013
Undergraduate / Achieving an advance level in the field/ Broader knowledge;MEANING of "WELL EDUCATED" [16]

What do you mean by shaky? Is it the logic, the wording, grammar, or something totally different?

Also, is this essay too boring? I feel that it's fairly dry, but I don't really know how to spice it up. It's a tough question to answer and they only gave 1500 characters. Somebody wrote a 7 page essay on the definition of being "well-educated"... although I don't agree with their points, so it's not a fair comparison.
Kitsumi   
Jan 5, 2013
Undergraduate / I am defined by my inquisitiveness - SUPPLEMENT [6]

Aha, a mac applicant! :D Wanna look at my essay(s) too later? lol

The essay is nicely written. It's short, but to the point. I just have a tiny issue with the "you" at the end; I realize that you're addressing the reader(s), but it still makes the essay slightly informal.

Perhaps you can expand on why you ask questions? Is it out of curiosity? Self-satisfaction? Knowing things others don't? And what if you happen upon a question nobody knows the answer to? Will you just let it be, or will you work at it until you find the answer?
Kitsumi   
Jan 4, 2013
Student Talk / Suggestions to Essay Writers [9]

Elaboration on number 1: Do not use contractions, unless you're quoting somebody who speaks with contractions. People generally speak with contractions, and expanding the contractions makes the speaker sound stiff and unnatural. If you want the person to sound like they are emphasizing their words, then expand the contraction as usual. In other words;

Every part of the essay - no contractions
Quotes from natural sounding people - contractions
Quotes from angry people/people who are emphasizing their words - no contractions
Kitsumi   
Jan 4, 2013
Undergraduate / Achieving an advance level in the field/ Broader knowledge;MEANING of "WELL EDUCATED" [16]

What does it mean to be well educated? 1500 character limit with punctuations and spaces.

To answer this question requires an agreeable definition of being "educated". To me being educated is to go to school, or learning from a teacher. I can be educated in music, I can be educated in science, I can be educated in anything as long as there is somebody to teach and something to learn. In my mind, there are three parts to the definition of "educated". The teacher, the student and the amount.

Now that "educated" is defined, I shall look at the word "well". To what part of "educated" does "well" apply to? The teacher (or the institution) can be extremely qualified, so somebody can be considered "well educated" if their teacher is renowned. For example, a student of Lang Lang might be considered "well-educated" against a self-taught pianist. But if the two students can play on the same level, does the ability of the teacher matter? Could the "well" be applied to the student? If the student has achieved an advanced level in their field of study, like a Graduate degree, then they can be considered as "well-educated". And if the "well" talks of the variety of fields the student has dabbled in, then the "jack of all trades, master of none" can be considered "well-educated".

In conclusion, no matter how famous the teachers and institutions are, the student is not well educated if they do not satisfy either of my other two conditions. So, to be well educated is to achieve an advanced level in their field of study, or have studied in a variety of fields.

1477 characters
Kitsumi   
Jan 4, 2013
Undergraduate / Foolish means lacking in sense, judgement and/or discretion; What is an act of folly? [10]

Everybody have different definitions. I feel that silly is a more affectionate term than folly. Crazy is usually used to describe somebody's mental state, so it doesn't really apply. Again, everybody have different definitions. And I have answered the why. I explained it with the dictionary.

It's for McMaster's bachelor of health science. And this isn't even a weird prompt. A couple of years ago, the prompt was "which four letter word do you think should be deleted from the dictionary, and why?" Somebody wrote a very elaborate essay on why fart should be eliminated, and they got in.
Kitsumi   
Jan 4, 2013
Undergraduate / 'My savior' - why uchicago supplement [16]

I say, combine the 2nd and the 3rd essay. You can shorten the 2nd one considerably. Don't put yourself down in your essay, it doesn't make you look humble. It just makes you sound unconfident. I'm not sure about acronyms. At least introduce your acronym. Like, University of Chicago (UC) blahblahblah... UC did this and that.

Also:

If they didn't want to know you, then they wouldn't have asked for those essays as well. So as a matter of fact, you should be concerned about those essays. The reader will also be judging you, because that is the purpose of you writing the essays. Instead, write your rebelliousness and introvert-ness as a good point.
Kitsumi   
Jan 4, 2013
Undergraduate / Marketing Supplement for Emerson/ Choosing the major [3]

And I believe these changes will continue, advanced technology, new social networking sites, and online media presence, the marketing world is going to have to keep adapting to an online advertising platform.

And I believe these changes will continue as advanced technology, new social networking sites and online media presence increases. The marketing world is going to have to keep adapting to an online advertising platform.

These programs and more offered by Emerson

These programs will give me the...

Marketing, and the Marketing Program at Emerson , will

Marketing will...

You don't need to add "by Emerson" or "at Emerson" at the end of every example.
Kitsumi   
Jan 4, 2013
Undergraduate / I was 16 when I ran away from home; Common app PS/ Significant event [3]

This is a wonderful essay. Just make sure to capitalize Greyhound; you didn't the first time. I don't understand this part:

Siddhartha found eternal happiness in a river, not a bus station urinal

Here,

You can't outrun yourself on a greyhound bus

do not use "you". This is a formal essay, so use "I" instead.
And just a general note, do not use contractions. Again, it's a formal essay.

Otherwise, it's a lovely essay. The imagery is powerful, and everything flows really well. The title is well-chosen too. Good job! :D
Kitsumi   
Jan 4, 2013
Undergraduate / Foolish means lacking in sense, judgement and/or discretion; What is an act of folly? [10]

What do you consider to be an act of folly? Explain why. 1500 character limit with punctuations and spaces.

Folly is a word unfamiliar to me. I do not use it often so I have no opinions on what is an act of folly. However, the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as a foolish act or idea, and foolish is something I understand better.

Foolish, as defined by the same dictionary, is lacking in (good) sense, judgement and/or discretion. For me though, foolish goes a bit beyond that. Everybody has committed actions lacking in common sense, simple mistakes like buying the wrong formula for the baby. Mistakes, even foolish ones, happen, and that is a part of human life. To be truly foolish though, is to commit the same action twice. Then it becomes a deliberate misstep, even if it's accidental. The purpose of making mistakes is so that one can avoid it the next time; knowing that it exists and doing nothing about it is foolish.

So for me, an act of folly is when an action that is lacking in good sense, judgement and/or discretion is done not once, but twice.

(959 characters).

Please tell me if there is anything I can add or anything I missed.
Kitsumi   
Jan 4, 2013
Undergraduate / University of Colorado at Boulder; iconoclastic [3]

All your sentences are very long. I suppose this isn't a "why boulder?" prompt, so I'll let you go for that issue. You are aware of what iconoclastic implies, right? Check this definition: thefreedictionary/iconoclastic
Kitsumi   
Jan 4, 2013
Graduate / What is the best country in the world? URUGUAY [4]

There is no conclusion in this essay. You cannot use "you" or "my" or any variations, because it makes the essay informal. Your tone here:

The weather is really nice from January to March if you like the beach and sunbathing. But in winter the climate change and it is really freezing and windy.

is not very convincing. What if I don't like beaches and sunbathing? Is there something for me? Who wants to go to a place that is freezing and windy? Try to use something nicer.

Your essay brings up a lot of nice points about Uruguay, but it still doesn't answer the question. How does it compare with other countries? People can be friendly anywhere. What makes Uruguay special? Are there any studies to support your statements? Why is it the best? What are you trying to compare in terms of "best"? Best economy, best tourism industry, best banana growing skills?
Kitsumi   
Jan 4, 2013
Undergraduate / Marketing Supplement for Emerson/ Choosing the major [3]

Overall, it's an average essay. The introduction was nice and provided some interesting stats, and it was a clever hook. However, your second paragraph feels like you're just listing. You have a lot of "I" sentence starters. Try to vary your diction a bit more.

Also, this essay can be used to apply to any college. What is it specifically about Emerson you like? If I replace the name with another university's, will I still get an understandable essay?
Kitsumi   
Jan 4, 2013
Undergraduate / NURSING VOLUNTEER; COMMON APP extra curricular activites [7]

If I remember correctly, the "describe an extra curricular activity" part is a short answer in the Common App, with a character limit of 1000? The character limit includes spaces, btw.

And just a word of advice for any of your other essays. Space your paragraphs. I can't see ANY paragraphs just from glancing, all I see is a gigantic wall of text.
Kitsumi   
Jan 4, 2013
Graduate / Knowledge, responsibility, hard work and dedication ; MPH SOP for US university [4]

Do not use & unless it is in a title. It's unnecessary and only makes your essay informal.
Add "a", "the", or some sort of article before your nouns. Or at least, some of your nouns.
Add "has", "had", or some variation of "to have" in front of a couple verbs.
You're writing in the past tense. USE PAST TENSE. This means no "are", "is", or "expects".
You just have issues with verbs, so I suggest you look some articles up.
You need a subject for your sentences. For example, where is the subject in this sentence:

Work hard for my dream

Please, use Microsoft Word or anything that has a spellcheck.
Kitsumi   
Jan 4, 2013
Graduate / HR Manager; Speech Pathology PS/ Education/ Experience/ Career objectives [3]

that I was tasked to resolved

I think you mean, tasked to resolve.

Power Phrases, Lifescripts, and How to Win Friends and Influence People

I think all these titles should be in quotation marks?

This essay clearly showcases your experience and thought process. It also answers the questions without disrupting the flow of the wording. Great essay!
Kitsumi   
Jan 4, 2013
Undergraduate / "CAN DO" ; Personal Statement/ Mechanical Engineering-SUNY Maritime [2]

Most of the time, I would disassemble a device, just to have a look at its construction that's why I chose to be a Construction Mechanic for the Navy and during those days I fully realized my passion to know more about mechanics.

This sentence can be divided into 3 smaller ones.

When I arrived in the US I felt like a newborn who had to learn everything from the beginning.

I was challenged to step out of my comfort zone. After a short period, I joined the United States Navy Seabees. The "Can Do" soon became my motto.

These two can be combined into one paragraph.

because I'll be around

Again, no contractions.
Kitsumi   
Jan 3, 2013
Book Reports / What is an easy book to do a book report on? [15]

The Chrysalids. Nineteen Eighty-Four. War of the Worlds. The Time Machine. Actually, any George Orwell book. Any Shakespeare work. Any Jane Austen work. Any Brontë sisters work. Any Charles Dickens work.

The Giving Tree is a rather complex picture book, I think. Use of whitespace, colours, imagery with words, etc.

And if you really want to dig deep, Harry Potter. It may seem simple at first glance, but there's some rather interesting conspiracy theories going on.

My personal favourites are George Orwell books. They're all fairly dystopian, which might be why I like them so much. Plus, they rarely end in happily ever afters.
Kitsumi   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / Dr. Waldo made a sudden appearance - U Chicago/ Where is Waldo, really? [10]

just some constellation and list of star

Capitalize your title.

Case Date and Observation

Do you mean, Case Data?

Spacing wise, leave a space before each title. That way the essay is not so chunky.

a circular glass

Somebody already mentioned the pants, but glasses too always come in pairs.

Some issues with your dates: is it mm/dd or dd/mm? Because the first couple dates are very vague. This is just me being nit picky though.
Kitsumi   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / Highly Intellectual,Physically robust, Virtuous & Fair; C APP/ I would choose to do! [3]

impeded my success in my rowing career

impeded my rowing career.

and honestly I have yet to

This is a formal essay. Don't have colloquialisms.

attending church twice a year

contradicts

a family of devout Italian Catholics

throw of the yoke of responsibility

Do you mean, "throw off "? Also, what is a "yoke"? This may just be an individual specific question.

In summary, if were able to throw of the yoke of responsibility towards others and preparing for a lucrative career, I would attempt to mold myself to become the absolute best I can be in all aspects of life

Run-on sentence.

I like your vocabulary. It's very diverse, I see you have used some SAT words :D
Kitsumi   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / BIOLOGY; Queen's 2012 PSE/ My goals for my time there [14]

Something's not sitting right with me here.

More than arcane knowledge hidden within moldy textbooks, for me biology is the bobbing of canoes

Maybe... "Biology is more than arcane knowledge hidden within mouldy textbooks. For me, biology is..."
Also, mouldy is the Canadian way of spelling. Learn something new everyday.

Everything else flows really well though! I like your diction, it creates some nice imagery.
Kitsumi   
Jan 3, 2013
Writing Feedback / We need to give respect to our traditions and prevent to going the wrong way [4]

This is a formal essay, so do not use colloquialism like "Nowadays" or "way more".
If everything in your list except one is singular, then make that one singular. i.e. phone, electricity and transport.
Capitalize World War One and World War Two. Alternatively, use WWI and WWII. As this is a formal essay, spell out your numbers.
Developed countries . Also, "developed" does not need to be capitalized.

The most advanced science they had became the most powerful nation in the earth

Whichever country that had the most advanced science became the most powerful nation on Earth.

And kill ,rob happened every corner

This does not flow at all. Watch your verb tenses too.
Comfort is the noun. Comfortable is the adjective.
Your second to last paragraph is riddled with sentence fragments. Try to connect some together, and add a subject/object to the ones lacking one.

People will never lost when we remember our root.

There are two ways to interpret this. Do you mean:
1. People will never get lost when we remember our roots.
OR
2. People will never lose when we remember our roots.

Both have different meanings.
Kitsumi   
Jan 3, 2013
Student Talk / Suggestions to Essay Writers [9]

Elaborating on number 8: First impressions are as important, if not more so, than actually reading the essay itself. After all, an admissions officer have to read through hundreds, if not thousands, of essays. So, when I am faced with a gigantic wall of text, I am not extremely encouraged.

English essays will get better as long as you keep writing and improving them. May I suggest read some english books for leisure? You'd be surprised at how much easier writing becomes after reading a bunch of good books.

Number 10: Spell out your numbers. You are probably writing a formal essay, and that means you need to write out your numbers. As in, one, two, three, four and five. Not, 12345.
Kitsumi   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / 'my character of a helper' - RICE SUPPLEMENT (UNIQUE PERSPECTIVE) [2]

First impressions are as important, if not more so, than actually reading the essay itself. After all, an admissions officer have to read through hundreds, if not thousands, of essays. So, when I am faced with a gigantic wall of text, I am not extremely encouraged. Indent or put a space between your paragraphs. From what I see right now, there's 3 large paragraphs and 1 small one in the first essay; I think you can separate them into more paragraphs. I'm copying this comment directly from another one, but it still applies here.

and of course Saudis heritages

shown through actions, which is why

As My father was the first from his family to venture overseas to acquire an education he got , for the sake of me and my family so that we may stand where we stand today.

their time and mine.As far
Space after your period

With regards to my academic society, there is much I have experienced and learnt.

Overall, your writing flows very nicely. There's a lot of information though, and your essay is very long. Are you sure you're double spacing your essay?
Kitsumi   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / Physics&Astrophysics /ANL/KICP/Culture/Curriculum; Why UChicago? [4]

First impressions are as important, if not more so, than actually reading the essay itself. After all, an admissions officer have to read through hundreds, if not thousands, of essays. So, when I am faced with a gigantic wall of text, I am not extremely encouraged. Indent or put a space between your paragraphs. From what I see right now, there's 3 large paragraphs and 1 small one in the first essay; I think you can separate them into more paragraphs.

I really like the details about UC you put in this. This essay won't make sense if the name is replaced by another university, which is great. Your grammar seems fine at a glance (I'm not nitpicking right now).

Optional:

Although I have yet to immerse myself in the works of philosophies of the greatest philosophers like that of Plato's, Kant's, Descartes' and others, the book, God Delusion, has certainly made impact on my disposition towards my surrounding and my methods of thinking

Run-on sentence right here.

Hinduism; the seeds

You don't need a semi-colon here, it just breaks the flow of the phrase.

There is no connection between God Delusion and Cosmos. It's a bit jarring. The conclusion is beautiful, but doesn't relate to God Delusion at ALL.
Kitsumi   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / Source of Energy; SOP for BS in Petroleum Engineering at Texas A&M [6]

@Kouteri did a very good job. Are you sure that PSE's are supposed to be 1 to 2 pages, single spaced? Because I think most are 1 to 2 pages, double spaced.

You're using "I have..." to begin your sentences a lot. Try to vary your diction and use other sentence starters.

2-3 years studying.

Spell out the numbers, as this is a formal essay.

I've been

Do not use contractions.

Overall, the essay is fine. Quite long, but as long as you're certain it's supposed to be single spaced, then you're okay. It reveals a lot of details that cannot be received from your transcripts.
Kitsumi   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / Things Don't Follow A Plan! Transfer Reasons & Objectives [5]

Well, this is personal preference at this point but... here:

a perm number

What is a perm number?

This promotion leads to students working together

You don't really need "promotion" in this sentence.

but I say it is well appreciated

Well worth it , maybe? Or 'well calculated '?

life awaits me. Change awaits me

I think change should go before life. Since you know, you need to change before life can go on, if that makes any sense?

Also, can you look at my definition essay? Thank you :)
Kitsumi   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / BIOLOGY; Queen's 2012 PSE/ My goals for my time there [14]

The international programs and array of biological disciplines are simply fascinating (because I'm assuming that you still find them to be fascinating? )
Elaborate more here. Do you have any particular biology major you want to go into? Any particular exchange program you're interested in?

It is my intention to apply my initiative to Queen's University community by taking part in student groups such as the AMS and Queen's Arts and Science Undergraduate Society

I liked your first draft's part better. It's just personal preference though.
I will contribute to Queen's dynamic atmosphere by taking part in student groups such as the AMS and Queen's Arts and Science Undergraduate Society

I like your last sentence, keep the Queen's Alumus. It gives you more connections to Queen's.
Kitsumi   
Jan 3, 2013
Student Talk / Suggestions to Essay Writers [9]

Number 8: Indent or put a space between your paragraphs. This way they don't look like a jumbo wall of text.
Number 9: Parallel verb tenses. If you used -ing for the first part of the sentence, chances are you need to use -ing for the second part.

Elaborating on number 5: Is there a particular teacher that is plain AWESOME????? If so, put their name in your essay. That'll make it look like you researched the university thoroughly. Use rate my professors for ratings.
Kitsumi   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / Things Don't Follow A Plan! Transfer Reasons & Objectives [5]

I am not looking to join a sorority, rally at a college football game, or binge drink on Thirsty Thursdays. I'm looking for a genuine college experience, a place where I can further develop my interests, foster my creativity, and share life changing experiences with a diverse student body.

I don't know what college you're looking at, but what type of college experience is it when you don't have binge drinking, football rallies, or sororities? Of course, I'm saying this from a stereotypical view gained from watching too many American high school/college movies.

Things like losing weight, winning the lottery, or following your New Year's resolution. Things like moving furniture with your girlfriend

Do not use "your". This is a formal essay, and "you" is informal.

Overall, this is a very good essay. It explains your issue with your previous school, as well as your aspirations for your future school. Good job! :)

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