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Posts by EF_Sean
Name: Writer
Joined: Dec 9, 2008
Last Post: Oct 30, 2009
Threads: 6
Posts: 3460  
From: Canada

Displayed posts: 3466 / page 21 of 87
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EF_Sean   
Aug 21, 2009
Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: Has easily-prepared-food improved the way people live? [7]

You don't need to address counterarguments in a TOEFL essay. In fact, you probably don't want to. You certainly don't want to touch on ones that would require a great deal of research, as claims about the healthiness of the food would do, as the TOEFL gives you no time or ability to conduct such research.
EF_Sean   
Aug 21, 2009
Writing Feedback / Criminal records, British and Australia laws - IELTS Essay [9]

Passive constructions use the object of an action as the sentence's grammatical subject, as oppose to the active voice, which uses the actor itself as the subject. So

Active: I opened the door
Passive: The door was opened (by me).

The passive voice is generally wordier and less interesting than the active voice.

But under British and Australia law, it is forbidden to give a jury the defendant's past criminal records.

British and Australian law forbids prosecutors revealing the defendants' criminal record to the jury

There are several factors to be considered in order to determine if such restriction implemented by the British and Australian government is appropriate.

One must consider several factors to determine when such restrictions are appropriate.

And so on. Phrases such as "it is" and "there are" are especially weak.
EF_Sean   
Aug 20, 2009
Writing Feedback / compare and contrast what conflicts the heroes have and how they face them [6]

You deal with each text okay, I guess, though there's a bit more plot summary that is strictly good for the essay. The real problem is that you don't do much comparing or contrasting, which is sort of an issue, given the assignment. Hence my suggestion to look at how each protagonist deals with being an outsider. The racial elements aren't that explicit in Heathcliff's case, but he is clearly an outsider, and that is directly a result of his race, so you can treat the entire novel as dealing with his response to the racism that makes him an outcast. He goes from being the outsider to being the one with all the power, as he brings all those who oppressed him (and their descendants) under his own oppressive control. This has to either compare or contrast with how the protagonists in the other two novels deal with the prejudice that forces them to the margins of society.
EF_Sean   
Aug 20, 2009
Writing Feedback / compare and contrast what conflicts the heroes have and how they face them [6]

Hmmm . . . you don't mention the racial aspect of Healthcliff's struggle until the end of your essay. However, given the selection of novels you are dealing with, it would seem as if you have been given three protagonists who all struggle in some way against racial prejudice. This might even be taken as an obvious place to start your comparison and contrast -- how does each character deal with what is essentially the same problem? Just a thought.
EF_Sean   
Aug 20, 2009
Writing Feedback / "Actions speak louder than words" (do you agree or disagree with the statement) [8]

Actually, good writing contains a variety of sentences structures in order to avoid creating a monotonous rhythm. However, sentences should not be artificially inflated with extra words, or employ structures simply for the sake of adding length. A good way for beginners to get the right balance is to start with all simple sentences, then go through and see which ones can be profitably combined in ways that actually reduce the overall word count while still resulting in a mixture of sentence lengths.
EF_Sean   
Aug 20, 2009
Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Television Versus Friends and family [13]

For example, watching film about terrorist children will be able to consider terrorism as a right thing.

There are several things wrong with this. First, are there that many films about terrorist children out there? Second, your mistake in omitting the comma means that the sentence is actually a fragment. Third, even for someone writing a TOEFL essay, you are probably going to want a specific example of some sort to support this idea, as it is a bit too simplistic to stand alone.
EF_Sean   
Aug 20, 2009
Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: Has easily-prepared-food improved the way people live? [7]

The general structure of your essay is about right for the TOEFL. You have some grammar issues, but they are not bad enough to greatly detract from the reader's understanding of your points. Some minor fixes:

"To many people, the processes of shopping for food, preparing food, and cleaning dishes are extremely annoying"

"Convenience, for my part, means that almost everyone can cook, even a 5-year-old kid, for instance, my sister." This isn't really convenience, or at least, it is only another aspect of it, one that adds on to what you were talking about earlier. Convenience is what you were describing in your first body paragraph, so presenting this as a wholly separate point in your second body paragraph is confusing.

"Admittedly, people cooking using these modern tools will not taste the enjoyment of tradtional cooking."
EF_Sean   
Aug 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "Crossroads" - Common App Personal Essay [10]

Overall, your essay is sincere and serious, the sort of thing you want for this. I'm not sure the first part of your essay works that well with the second part, though. Perhaps you could open with one of your parents relating a story about the Iranian revolution instead? Also,

If a high school student- with four months of dedication- can educate and encourage hundreds to take a stand as well, then it is worth spending a lifetime on activism and community service.

The logic hear needs clarifying. You discovered that activism is fairly easy, so it is worth dedicating a lifetime to? This isn't what you mean, but it is what you have actually said. Rephrase.
EF_Sean   
Aug 20, 2009
Writing Feedback / Topic: Children engaging in paid work can have both negative and positive effects [5]

Is this a TOEFL essay? It sort of seems like an answer to the prompt about whether or not students should take part-time jobs. However, Simone is right, your use of the word "children" to refer to teenagers is confusing, as it evokes images of child labor, which is very different from teenagers earning a bit of spending money as they try to become more independent from their parents.
EF_Sean   
Aug 20, 2009
Graduate / "The burgeoning field of Computer Science" - my Statement of Purpose [6]

My goal is to pursue a career in research, aiming to solve real world problems.

Researching what? To solve which problems? You sort of hint at an answer here:

But your essay still focuses too much on selling yourself and not enough on actually answering the prompt.
EF_Sean   
Aug 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "Yourself, goals, achievements etc.." my essay for FIT. [4]

Well, you have to post something that we can give you feedback on if you want help. If you need help getting started, you could read over essays on similar topics that have been posted on this site to get an idea of what sort of things to do and what to avoid.
EF_Sean   
Aug 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Interests and aspirations in engineering (UMich essay prompt #2) [12]

This is a stronger draft. Don't forget to always capitalize the personal pronoun "I," though. Also, avoid dangling modifiers: "Although tedious, I did not once felt bored nor had the thought of giving up crossed my mind." According to this, you were tedious, rather than the experiment. Introductory clauses always modify whatever comes directly after the comma, whether you mean them to or not.
EF_Sean   
Aug 20, 2009
Writing Feedback / Music helps people both personally and maintains the culture values of country [5]

I would like to see more specific examples in this essay, fleshing out some of what you say. For instance, you mention that music can help keep people united, and that black people preserved their values through music. However, you don't mention what genres were involved, or give examples of specific songs that would demonstrate this function for a specific cultural value. You might also have focused the entire essay on exploring this argument and variants on it in more detail. Music is social, and can bind people together even if they don't share a common ethnic background. It can tie people together into chosen subcultures, or unite people generationally, or even be used to reach across generational gaps. You might also have dedicated part of your essay to answering the question of why music has these effects. That is, why does music relax or excite us, or hold enough appeal to be useful as a social adhesive? This could have replaced your rather obvious observation that listening to music can be relaxing.
EF_Sean   
Aug 20, 2009
Undergraduate / More flexible engineering curriculum! ; TRANSFER Objectives & Reasons [6]

I suppose one of the reasons I wasn't taken in by the description is that it is largely pathetic (in the literary sense) hyperbole. Really, the tubes of paint would be just as crumpled, if not more so, if you were using the set regularly, for instance. If you want to keep a bit of description as a hook, then at least condense it down into a single sentence or two.
EF_Sean   
Aug 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "The negative impacts of capitalism on the world" - issue of importance [9]

I'd stay with the topic, regardless of where you are applying -- if this is what you feel passionate about writing about, you should be true to yourself. Certainly, in researching your topic more thoroughly, you will likely learn a lot and be able to better articulate your economic and political beliefs. Why not start with the basics (for your own edification, and to get a sense of where to start when writing your essay -- you don't necessarily need to include all of this in your final draft)? So, first, write out a fairly comprehensive definition of capitalism. Then, make a list of all of the major nations of the world, and decide which ones can be reasonably described as capitalist (Hint: no country, not even America, practices unfettered capitalism, so what you will likely be doing is seeing which nations have capitalistic elements, drawn from your basic definition of the term.) Then, look at various measures of economic and social success -- levels of life expectancy, GDP, levels of education, literacy, technological progress, social equality etc. What trends do you notice? Are the more capitalistic countries on average more or less wealthy than non-capitalistic ones? Do their citizens live longer or shorter lives? Are they more or less educated? Do they have more or less political freedom? And so on. At the very least, this would prevent you from citing the dire poverty of non-capitalist countries as proof of the failures of capitalism, and give you a solid statistical basis upon which you can start making claims of the sort you want to make.

Better yet, this approach would allow you to carry out a more nuanced analysis of capitalism as an economic system instead of "capitalism bad" or "capitalism good." Just possibly, any complex economic system may consist of multiple elements, each with its own set of advantages and drawbacks, and should be considered more critically than an outright dismissal or acceptance of it would imply.

As an aside, you might base some of your brainstorming on your reaction to some famous quotations about capitalism: thinkexist.com/quotations/capitalism/.

Ask yourself, what different premises do the speakers have to be working from to have said each quote and meant it?

Oh, and a quote that isn't on the website I linked to above, but should be, from Churchill: "The problem with capitalism is capitalists. The problem with socialism is socialism."
EF_Sean   
Aug 19, 2009
Writing Feedback / English Aboriginal feature article. [3]

Even an editorial should probably be a bit more comprehensive and tightly reasoned. The Australian government should make it mandatory for aboriginal students to stay in school, you say? And what will they do if aboriginal students drop out? Throw them in jail? Drag them to school against their will? And even if the government could somehow force aboriginals to stay in schools, how can they force them to learn anything there? If you know of a method for forcing anyone, aboriginal or otherwise, to learn in a school, by all means feel free to share it. The government needs to make sure Aborignals go to universities at higher rates, you say? How exactly, should they go about doing this? Racist beliefs need to be eradicated? Again, how do you expect the government to inflict mind control on its citizenry? And do you possibly see some problems with this, even if they find someway to do so, and start out using that method to accomplish "noble" goals such as eliminating racism?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you're article needs less strident passion and more thoughtful analysis of the problems besetting the aboriginal community and the ways in which those problems might be fought.
EF_Sean   
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / More flexible engineering curriculum! ; TRANSFER Objectives & Reasons [6]

Better than a lot of transfer essays I've read on this site. You have a clear reason for wanting to transfer, one that makes a great deal of sense. Could you maybe tone down on the description of art supplies in your first and last paragraphs, though? I would normally encourage you to be very descriptive in your writing, but here it seems unnecessary and to take up more space than it has to. You always wanted to explore your artistic side, which you think is necessary to develop into a well-rounded engineer. That's great. The lengthy descriptions don't really do anything to emphasize that point; they just mean it takes the reader longer to get to it.
EF_Sean   
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / BLUE-COLLAR LIFE & CYCLING ; UT Austin transfer - SOP [2]

The essay is solid, because it has the advantage of sounding sincere. You are speaking candidly and well about your experiences, illustrating your points with specific details and examples. I wouldn't change much here, because you don't want to lose that tone. I would, however, get rid of the quotes and and a transition word to the following sentence:

"A high school student choosing not to go to college because they believe they can't do it is unacceptable, though "
EF_Sean   
Aug 19, 2009
Writing Feedback / Learning from Electronic Media: GRE essay topic [6]

What you have now is a good starting point. You have a clear stance on the issue and are aware of some of the most important arguments in favor of electronic media. However, you need to deal in some way with the arguments against it, too. So, for instance, search engines tend to find the newest and most widely read articles, not necessarily the most comprehensive or best researched ones. Unless you are prepared to pay for subscriptions, the Internet tends to be a shallow resource, as Simone said, though if you are prepared to subscribe to various academic journals, or have access to compilations of these through a university, a great deal more depth becomes available to you. Also, reading online tends to be shallower experientially compared to reading hard copy material, even when the material in question is identical. I'm not sure why that is exactly, but I'm sure someone somewhere has researched this -- perhaps you could Google it? And yes, I am aware of the irony of my last sentence.
EF_Sean   
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Personal Essay, "Life Defining moment" [8]

Your revised draft is stronger, though you begin relying heavily on forms of "to be" a bit too much again near the end. And Simone is right -- female readers might, and obviously will in at least some cases, take offense to your rather condescending description of the women you found fighting.
EF_Sean   
Aug 19, 2009
Writing Feedback / Criminal records, British and Australia laws - IELTS Essay [9]

Actually, my point was that only your last argument is particularly reasonable. Your first body paragraph doesn't seem that coherent or on-topic. I guess you could avoid dealing with the counterarguments to the points you make in your second body paragraph, though, if you are only concerned with English proficiency.
EF_Sean   
Aug 19, 2009
Writing Feedback / The proper use of public resource--GRE ISSUE Appreciate your advice [4]

You don't really seem to provide very good reasons for why the government should fund the arts. After all, if art is really so inspirational and spiritually fulfilling, people will be willing to pay to support it without the need for government intervention. Also, you say that the government should fight poverty, but that it should also fund the arts because it will never succeed in eradicating poverty. But, if the government should fight poverty, and if this is a better goal than funding the arts, why should it not dedicate the money it uses to fund the arts to fighting poverty, even if the latter goal will always be a work in progress? You need to tighten your logic . . .
EF_Sean   
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / 'The state of confusion' - UF essay...my surgery. [6]

You are describing a very powerful experience that must have influenced you profoundly, but you are doing so in a way that manages to sound horribly impersonal and cliche. You need to infuse some genuine emotion into your writing, and then let that carry you through to a tighter connection between your experience with cancer and your decision to apply to UF. You have the advantage that you are writing about an experience that presumably really did fill you with all sorts of strong emotions, so you don't have to fake it the way someone writing about a more commonplace experience would. You can draw on something true, which should allow you to craft a much stronger essay than you currently have.
EF_Sean   
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / "The negative impacts of capitalism on the world" - issue of importance [9]

Your introduction isn't very promising, inasmuch of most of what you say is either wrong, or worse, nonsensical. Capitalism, at least as it has been practiced in the first world, has resulted in massive increases in life expectancy, so your claim about capitalism depriving people of life is demonstrably and obviously false. Haiti does indeed suffer from dire poverty, but it is hardly a hotbed of capitalism. Most of its main businesses are state run, and moves towards a more modernized, Western style of democratic capitalism have occurred only haltingly, and only after decades of governance by corrupt dictatorships. Bangladesh likewise implemented a static economic policy centered around nationalization of key industries, and this after a civil war had destroyed most of their infrastructure. Likewise, Egypt has only begun moving towards a capitalist market economy in the past twenty years, and reforms, as in the other countries you mentioned, have been slowed by political corruption. The problem with all three places you mentioned is that they have not embraced capitalism, which makes them poor examples of the failures of the system. Finally, poverty in America and poverty in developing nations or in the third world is very, very different, and to lump them together as if they were the same phenomenon is naive to the point of being ridiculous. There are arguments that can be made against capitalism, but from your introduction, you aren't going to be making any of them. I'd suggest you do some more research before continuing with this essay.
EF_Sean   
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Harvard (optional) essay- about Iran and travel. [8]

This is a really strong essay. It is original and detailed, with a style that is easy to read overall. There are a few grammatical things, but I'll leave most of them for our members who like to nitpick. One suggestion, though:

The stereotypes of Iranians must be shattered, so that the world can support the imprisoned college students, Neda's symbolism and the millions around the world gathering for yet another day of protest.

This doesn't quite work with the parallel structure you are attempting to use. You can support students and protesters, but not symbolism, or at least not in the same way.
EF_Sean   
Aug 19, 2009
Writing Feedback / "Memom, how did you draw this?" Topic of Choice Essay -- opinions and critiques [5]

As others have pointed out, you point isn't really clear here. You decided that you were interested in art even though you aren't really very good at it? At least, that's what your essay says. I don't think its what you mean it to say, though. Decide what message you want your writing to convey, and revise it with that in mind. The details themselves are good, so you probably won't have to change that much once you've settled on a new approach.
EF_Sean   
Aug 18, 2009
Writing Feedback / The benefit of a global university-- GRE topic, need help [6]

Much of the first part of your essay would work better as an argument in favor of the university, which is not meant to single-handedly solve the world's social problems, after all, but merely to provide a place where solutions can begin to be developed. There is no obvious reason why a global university wouldn't be a good place to start trying to develop a model of economic growth that allowed the developing world to catch up to the first world without ruining the environment, for instance, or to create programs that allowed potential enemies to begin to reconcile their differences.

The second half of your essay is a bit stronger. I especially like the argument that resources could be better spent directly addressing specific issues, and the contention that a global university would have trouble setting priorities. You could even point out that many existing universities admit international students, and so a global university wouldn't necessarily look that different from the ones that always exist, and that international bodies such as the U.N. that already try to bring people together to solve social problems tend to accomplish very little except to issue pronouncements and conduct studies that are largely ignored.
EF_Sean   
Aug 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Hard work was preferable to the expense of neglected morals and sore back - Ethical dilemma QB essay [9]

It starts off well, with your refusal to take a higher paying job because you disapproved of the product the company sold. You might want to leave this out, though:

I talked to a classmate who had worked there hated it. The other employees disliked their job and her manager didn't care when she burned her hand on the fryer.

This shows that your decision was also motivated by self-interest -- you thought that the intangible benefits of working elsewhere, such as concerned management and friendly coworkers, outweighed the extra earning potential. This is perfectly reasonable, but it is not an ethical issue per se.
EF_Sean   
Aug 18, 2009
Graduate / "Dear Admission's Committee" - Addendum to a Personal Statement [9]

Your writing style in general needs tightening up:

Before: "Another interesting aspect of the experience was observing the behavior that the patients bring into the office. We came across some ethical issues. Understanding that no one can absolutely know the degree of negative emotions that a patient will exhibit while in pain -one can imagine the astonishment of the healthcare staff when the daughter of a patient requested that no man of color should be present in the room while her mom was examined."

After: "I also began to learn how patient behavior could give rise to ethical issues, as when the daughter of a patient requested that no man of color be in the room while her mother was being examined."

You could revise the entire essay like this to greatly strengthen it and to make room for more specific details that you could add, such as the reason for the request and the ultimately solution to the dilemma it posed, and what you learned from that solution, and whether or not you approved of it.
EF_Sean   
Aug 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application. Personal Statement. ''Dragon boat race"' [17]

As I have found myself saying repeatedly on these forums just lately, when writing a university application essay, it is always good to explicitly say what you learned from whatever experience you are talking about, and to explain how this will make you a good applicant. Apart from that, the narrative itself is original and interesting, and should continue to be the basis for your revised essay.
EF_Sean   
Aug 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Reading has always been a favorite pastime of mine. - Common App [14]

That you like reading is admirable. Now, what qualities has your love of reading cultivated in you? How will these make you a good student at university and allow you to contribute to whichever one you end up attending? You need to use the essay to sell yourself more aggressively than you currently do.
EF_Sean   
Aug 18, 2009
Writing Feedback / -- Writing from India (essay about holidays and truth) [29]

It appears Western civilization accepted Plato's ideas on state governance but chose to go Aristotle's way in understanding nature.

Um, in spite of the name of Plato's most famous text being The Republic, Plato absolutely did not believe in democracy in the sense in which it is practiced in the West today. Nor would he have been a great fan of Western capitalism.

Having made a serious study of both the origins and consequences of various belief systems, I have become convinced that what people believe matters -- not for spiritual reasons but because faith so profoundly affects how people treat each other and the earth. So, while I have some sympathy with Indian philosophy (for example) I am also very much aware of its history and of the ways that it has been used to dispossess and depress the original peoples of the Subcontinent in the same way that Christianity later was used to dispossess and depress the original inhabitants of the Americas.

This is interesting, and something that seems to be a very common belief among those who have adopted a more or less atheistic worldview -- the notion that religious and spiritual thought are generally oppressive in nature and intent. It seems to me, though, that religions have been developed by virtually every society because they serve very important social functions. Indeed, we would not expect to see so much convergence in the evolution of a cultural phenomenon, any more than we would in the evolution of an organic one, unless the features that evolved were highly adaptive and beneficial. And in fact we see new religions emerging even now to replace the old ones, as our need, individually and collectively, for the functions religions provide presumably continues to persist. Environmentalism, for instance, is essentially a religion centered on nature worship. The version of nature being worshiped is an idealized one that has nothing to do with nature as it actually is -- disease, aging, disaster, and a brutal, blind competition for survival. Rather, it is some fairy tale version of nature that will provide for all of us if we only "preserve" it, as if it existed as a fixed thing in the first place, which of course it doesn't. Environmentalism also has its irrational rituals, as religions always do. Buying organic, for instance, is a staple of the movement, although organic food is far more environmentally damaging and far less healthy than conventionally produced crops. And, of course, environmentalism has the standard apocalypse scenario, one that is always expected to occur soon, but that never seems to actually arrive. The failure of the world to end on schedule, though, never convinces its adherents that the apocalypse isn't actually imminent. Finally, like many religions, its exercise of temporal power is often detrimental to the world's least fortunate. Malaria, for instance, kills millions each year thanks to the environmental movement, which successfully lobbied for a worldwide ban on DDT -- after DDT had been successfully used to eliminate malaria in the West, of course, so successfully that most people don't even realize that malaria used to exist in North America and Western Europe as an indigenous disease anymore.
EF_Sean   
Aug 18, 2009
Graduate / PhD - Social Work Research [13]

The first eight paragraphs, as they stand, don't really have much to do with the topics you are supposed to be writing on. You want to touch on the experiences that influenced you to take a PhD, of course, but you don't need to provide such a long autobiography, or talk about your father, your love or reading, or your struggles with your undergrad. Your military experiences, while interesting, don't seem to have much to do with your interest in social work. If I were you, I'd start over and write an essay much more focused on your PhD aspirations, making sure everything ties back immediately and directly to them in some way.
EF_Sean   
Aug 18, 2009
Graduate / "Dear Admission's Committee" - Addendum to a Personal Statement [9]

Your third and fourth paragraphs are the best of the letter, as they give specific examples of what you learned. You might want to add more details about the patients' attempts to diagnose themselves, and condense the general lesson you learned into a single sentence, though.

Many of your sentences throughout the essay remain general and vague, not to mention a bit wordy. Replacing them with more specific, concise ones would greatly strengthen your writing.
EF_Sean   
Aug 18, 2009
Writing Feedback / Spanish Language proficiency [15]

Spanish is by far the more useful language to learn if you are in the States or concerned merely with being able to communicate with as many citizens of the world as possible. French would be better in certain areas, namely those where the language was widely spoken or an important part of the culture (obviously). Here in Canada, for instance, French is far more important than Spanish, even outside of Quebec, because it is a requirement for advancement in any federal government post.
EF_Sean   
Aug 18, 2009
Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay: Main purpose for Universities [4]

You seem to be arguing that teaching people knowledge for its own sake cultivates in them qualities that might make them useful to an employer, and so the dichotomy is a false one. This is an excellent argument, but I'd like to see you make it a bit more explicitly. At the moment, your way of discussing the issue (on the one hand . . . on the other) tends to reinforce rather than negate the existence of said dichotomy.

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