Undergraduate / Food & Culture (University of Michigan) [20]

This is a very good start. The story is charming and to the point. However, it leaves you at the level of childish appreciation of the cuisine of other cultures. Bring us forward into the present and future by discussing what else about meeting people from other cultures you do or will appreciate.

Writing Feedback / Results of publicly funded scientific studies for free -help for GRE issue essay [4]

For what purpose has this essay been written? Your arguments are solid but I'd like to see better organization. Lay out your arguments in the first paragraph and then address each in turn. Depending on the purpose of the essay, you may wish to use some supporting evidence, such as the amount spent by the government on research or the average cost of a subscription to a scientific journal.

Undergraduate / Beijing Huijia Private School - My commonapp Personal statement [4]

I like the way that this essay begins and I also like the story. You need, however, to tell it more concisely and then, perhaps in the next to last paragraph, find a way to say whatever else you might want to say about yourself that doesn't happen to come through in this particular story.

I invite other forum members to help you figure out what you can cut in order to tell this story more shortly and smoothly.

Undergraduate / Creating flexible economic fields essay [2]

It is not a secret that * does not have enough natural resources, for example oil, gas or metals. And as a result of the political situation in the region, we are almost separated from the rest of the world. The mountainous terrain makes transportation very difficult inside the country.

All these factors make the import of resources difficult, and this is disadvantageous to keepthe industries that need of them.

I'll let other members jump in with other corrections. Let me turn, instead, to your request for more sentences. It seems you want the essay to be longer. There are two ways you could expand the essay fruitfully. First, you could expand your idea that information technology will be the economic salvation for your region. Next, and more importantly, you can give more information about yourself, your experience in the field, and exactly how you will contribute to this economic transformation.

Writing Feedback / "It is the artist, not the critic,* who gives society something of lasting value" [3]

Could we, perhaps, hear from your classmate in order to be sure that he does consent to have his work posted here? I like the idea of letting forum members settle the dispute, I just want to make sure that the author of the piece consents to it being posted.

Essays / Literature Review in Software Engineering [2]

In general, one does not have to cite references for common knowledge. In a literature review, the focus should be on the literature. Often, there's no need for such generalized statements anyway. Since everybody knows that people need food to live, there's no reason to state it. Still, of course, you will write some introductory and transitional sentences that do not cite sources. Furthermore, many literature reviews include a discussion section where the writer draws some conclusions from the literature reviewed in the body of the paper. You may want to check with your instructor to determine whether such a section is warranted in this paper.

Undergraduate / "A level-headed individual" - UF Admission Essay. [4]

Who I am has been shaped by my family, my experiences, and my academic environment .
This is true for everybody.

At the age of nine my parents divorced, leaving my mother to fend for the both of us with little outside help.
Your parents divorced when they were nine?

At the age ofWhen I was nine, my parents divorced, leaving my mother to fend for the both of us with little outside help.

At the time, my three elder brothers were active participants in the JROTC program,
Didn't your mother have to fend for them too?

and I clearly remember watching them march in parades and perform in drill competitions, fantasizing of the day I would be able to follow in their footsteps.

Note omitted comma after parades.

Throughout my lifesuch experiences , I have become a gregarious, level-headed individual who strives to get what she wants.

Undergraduate / [commentary on your academic goals] Transfer Admission Essay [26]


You're right. I'll tackle some of it and hope that others jump in with more corrections and suggestions.


Omit the comma after "that."

I have nothing but admiration for the professors who taught me at that college. My professorsE ven with their busy schedules, my professors accommodated my problems and helped me accomplish my coursework with my head held high.

The clubs and organizations is what sealed the deal for me. When I found out on the campus tour about the hundreds of clubs and organizations to choose from, I knew this college is destined for me.

Undergraduate / "how the brain and mind function" - Evaluate a significant experience, & impact. [8]

I agree with these assessments. However, I'd like to see a stronger start for your final paragraph.

Undergraduate / Charity bike ride - A setback I have faced [9]


I like it that the intro goes right to the heart of the trauma, hitting the reader as surprisingly as the death surely hit the writer. However, I become confused in the second paragraph, not understanding the timeline.

Undergraduate / My Struggle - My pursuit for happiness (University of Florida) [9]


Unless you are a very advanced writer, use past tense for the past and present tense for the present. Some writers sometimes use present tense when writing of the past to create a sense of immediacy, but this is difficult to do effectively and without error unless one is a very skilled and disciplined writer.

Undergraduate / "From China to America" - UCF admission essay [9]

I didn't find the topic boring. I just felt that you meandered before getting to the really interesting story.

Essays / common app short (activities) essay: strict word limit?? [10]

Don't worry about the word count once you pass 250. Just say what you have to say as clearly, cleanly, and concisely as possible.

Undergraduate / 'blind to many of the things' - someone who has made an impact on my life [18]


Actually, I was beaten and berated by a parent who, like yours, claimed this was something that was good for me. Since then, I've familiarized myself with the research concerning how harmful such treatment is to children. I'm very sorry if the way that I phrased my reply to you felt hostile. The contrary is true: I feel empathy for you and hostility only toward those who abuse children.


Yes, this is a key element in the dynamics of abusive households (whether households in which children are abused and/or households in which one spouse abuses the other): The violence and excessive control start to seem normal to everybody. Typically, there is some measure of isolation, which keeps children from learning how very differently (and better) children in other families are treated. If they do find out, the perpetrator tells them that other children are spoiled or don't have parents who care about them. Sigh. This is one (of many) reasons why it's so good for young people to go off to college, where they can meet a wide variety of people from a wide variety of households and then, slowly, begin to put their own experiences in perspective.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay question help, your sense of humor, your personality [5]

"Once, I played a practical joke on a sick friend, telling him that I had heard the doctor talking to his parents and that he had only one week left to live. They say humor is the best medicine, but it didn't turn out that way. From that experience, I learned never to make any jokes at all. This shows the serious physician I will be. Indeed, if my patients ever try to joke with me, I will scold them."

You see? We can't help at all without knowing about your personality, sense of humor, and type of physician you hope to become. If you don't feel ready to write a draft of the essay, at least tell us the kinds of things about yourself you might include.

Undergraduate / working with children - UF ESSAY; situation which ignited something inside of me [4]

I encourage you to focus on the story about Miguel, without the rambling introduction. The prompt asks for a concise narrative. You go on and on about why you took a job that wasn't even the job at which you had the experience around which the essay is centered.


The reference to plagiarism is kind of out of the blue; also I have no idea what you mean by "bind to." How can somebody bind to plagiarism?

Undergraduate / Stanford "Intellectually engaging idea" Essay [6]

I've not seen Staford essays written for this prompt but I would guess that this is the most common topic chosen. Thoughtful adolescents all question their own ultimate purpose as well as the niche they are likely to fill in life. Such speculations are highly engaging to them, not so much so to others. Go with this if you must, but first try to think of an intellectually engaging idea that is not so centered on yourself. Demonstrate your curiosity about the world and your familiarity with engaging issues of the day (or of all times).

Writing Feedback / Personal Essay - Travels; I have inherited my mother's wanderlust [4]


One of your personal essay's what? Drafts? Manifestations? Nights on the town? Or, did you mean to say, "this is one of my personal essays"?

(Just a cranky joke from somebody who is so very tired of seeing apostrophes tossed into words for no reason at all.)

This is a good start, and I can tell that you've got the raw material for a strong essay. I'd like to see you phrase your first sentence much more strongly, and I'd like to see more anecdotes and sensory details from your travels.

Undergraduate / "My dream America" - common app essay draft.. [5]

Your introduction is very confusing to me. You seem to equate the tragedy of drug addiction with the difficulties in living faced by transgender people. Then you start talking about a movie without naming it. I'm not at all sure what you're writing about or why.

Writing Feedback / GRE Essay on "skepticism in student's learning" [6]


Improvise? Or, revise?

Undergraduate / My Struggle - My pursuit for happiness (University of Florida) [9]

"Looking back at the road, my consciousness gently tugs me back to the grassy knolls of the great northwest. I remember that summer of 2000, standing ground on U.S. soil for the first time; there marks the spot for my journey to pursuit happiness."


The first two of these sentences are, oddly, in present tense. Then you change tenses in the middle of the third sentence. This undercuts the effect of an otherwise poignant story.

"During the summer of 2005, I made my return to the States; this time I came to Florida. I thought a completely new place meant a new beginning."

This is a moving tale. I hope other forum members will jump in to help you tell it as effectively as possible.

Poetry / poem review [the wounded soul] [8]


Right, and as the poet, one must live with the possibility that readers might take away from the poem very different messages than the writer intended. That's why I think it's best, if one writes that sort of verse, to get at least a few reactions from different people, in order to get a sense of the range of what people other than oneself are going to take away from the poem.

Book Reports / Paired Text essay on Nineteen Eighty-Four and Brave New World... where to start? [3]

Those are all good ideas. But, I'm thinking... you say that "there is heavy emphasis on technique and HOW the author achieves a message," and that is not really addressed here. Clearly, both authors have written a roman a thése, a novel that serves as a vehicle for political ideas. Both use a central male protagonist through whose eyes the reader sees the world. Both try to make the reader feel for and with the protagonist, although there can be some debate as to how effectively each does so. (I personally find both novels stilted and both protagonists unsympathetic.) Both... [fill in the blank].

As to organization, I think that with an essay of this length and complexity, you are better off spending a lot of time deciding exactly what you are going to say before even trying to figure out in what order to say things.

Grammar, Usage / Quote "we get older.." - how to cite it? Correct usage of "we." [5]

In the sentence you offer as an example, it is perfectly evident that "we" means LST Pharmeaceuticals as an entity.

Writing Feedback / GRE Essay on "skepticism in student's learning" [6]

A few thoughts about content:

(1) You are assuming that "student" means "child." But you are applying to graduate school. Obviously, "students" come in all ages.

(2) Your strongest argument, concerning the decisive role of skepticism in scientific advancement, goes against rather than for your thesis as stated in your introduction although it is consistent with your thesis as stated in your conclusion.

(3) Your challenge to the word "skepticism" as an overstatement is maybe not justified by the definition of that word.

(4) You offer no supporting evidence for the strong claim that undue skepticism "wrecks the young mind."

A few thoughts about form:

(1) You have two different and contradictory thesis statements.

(2) You use the word "man" -- do you mean only male adults? If not, use a more inclusive term, such as "people."

(3) You keep referring to "the author" as if you were responding to a quotation. But you've simply been asked to respond to an idea. Respond to the idea without reference to some mythical "author."

Book Reports / In reference to "The Curious incident of the dog in the night-time" [8]

When a liar -- someone who stuck with a selfish and hurtful lie for years on end-- says that he will tell the truth from now on, we can put our trust in his word?

Writing Feedback / "hard work leads you to success in your life" - need help in correcting my essay [5]

Just for the record, Barack Obama was born in the United States, as all Presidents must have been, and did not start life as a lecturer but, rather, as a baby.


This is a very interesting point and could be the center of a persuasive essay. But, alas, it doesn't match the rest of the essay, which appears to offer a recipe for success rather than arguing a point. What, exactly, was the question you were answering?

Undergraduate / Traveling, my Grandparent's accomplishments - FSU Undergraduate Essay [4]


"Pretty" is a vague modifier.

You need a lot more detail. Saying that you love baseball and play everyday, for example, doesn't move you out of the category of generic sporty student.

What I meant before when I said to start over with your grandmother's environmental activism, I meant start there and rewrite the whole thing so that it flows from that story.

Undergraduate / "Core values" - FSU essay. good? bad? [4]


Ha-ha, we all know the prompt. How many "Vires, Artes, Mores" essays have we seen in the past month? Dozens?

This essay is very slight. Cut out the parts that recap the prompt and there's very little there at all. You might want to search for "Vires" on this site to give you a sense of what kinds of things other students are writing on this one. You need a lot more detail, a stronger introduction, and a strong conclusion if you hope to compete.

Undergraduate / UC entrance essay #2:special personal quality [7]


I look forward to reading that.

Undergraduate / I want to write an essay for the art institute in Chicago and I really need help [4]

From what little you've given us, all I can suggest is starting with a description of you at your dream job, then backing up to describe how the Art Institute prepared your for that job, and then backing up even further to describe your youthful experiences with and interest in art.

Why not do some brainstorming and then show us the essay prompt along with your ideas?

Undergraduate / "From China to America" - UCF admission essay [9]

Instead of all of the prefacing material you now use, why not just start with a vivid description of your first day of school in America?

Undergraduate / AUT Physiotherapy essay - need review [11]

Spell out "two."

Is a "question of enquire" somehow different than a question? If not, just say "This brings me to my questions:"

Undergraduate / [commentary on your academic goals] Transfer Admission Essay [26]

I'm not sure. Better to be safe and spell it out.

Writing Feedback / We are blessed with modern tools; Modern technology [8]

Second paragraph:

It cannot be denied that theT echnological improvement brings forth to us some advantages. Firstly, it helps people communicate locally or overseas by writing email or by talking on the telephone or mobile. A student , for instance, who is studying abroad can talk to his family by chatting and web cam rather than waiting for a hand-written letters. Secondly, the modern tools also support people in business and studying. Theymake it easier to fulfill tasks more quickly and conveniently . For example, a student spends less time searching for information and documents by clicking a mouse on G oogle rather than by poring over many books in a library. A business man can deal with his job by using a laptop and internet whilehe can still enjoyinga holiday with his family.

Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]


It sounds like not only your teacher but your classmates (and, hence, your neighborhood or community) stood and stand firmly against the principles that are important to you. So, instead of writing from a tone of complaint, you could discuss not only the difficulties of being so different from everyone around you but also the strength that this experience inculcated in you.

Undergraduate / "Whatever you do, own it!" - UCF admission - Why did you choose to apply to UCF [13]

It's just that, generally, when one tells somebody to "own" their aspirations, they mean that figuratively, not literally. So, the quote threw me off. Perhaps, in between the quote and "Perhaps..." you could add the sentence, "They meant that literally."

Undergraduate / AUT Physiotherapy essay - need review [11]

Again: Do not ask those questions in your application essay. Contact the disabilities office and ask those questions of them. Your application can and should mention your disability, as it is the motivation for you to do research in this field, but you should not ask questions in an application essay.

Undergraduate / Traveling, my Grandparent's accomplishments - FSU Undergraduate Essay [4]

You have the ingredients for a strong (pun intended) essay here, but you have a long way to go (cross country reference intended). Instead of starting with a wishy-washy statement about strength "pretty well" defining your life, start with a vivid depiction of your grandmother demonstrating her strength as one of the first environmentalists in your region.

Graduate / Grad School Statement of Purpose Critique (passion for academics and researc) [11]

This is informative but dull. You jump in at an odd point -- three years ago. Spend some time thinking: What is the strongest thing about you or your experience? Lead with that.