Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]


I know you're joking Sean, but I was serious. In teaching composition, I've often been surprised by how powerfully students respond to peer feedback, be it positive or negative. So, I would like our forum members and contributors to realize that their words really do have power here and be mindful of that when phrasing their replies.

Undergraduate / 'idea of learning / isles of Trinidad and Tobago' - UCF Personal Statements [12]

Either cut the first sentence or move it to the conclusion.

Poetry / poem review [the wounded soul] [8]

I see what you are trying to do here... I think. Like you, I really like terse, condensed poetry. But it's possible to be too cryptic, which I think you are here.

Undergraduate / "Whatever you do, own it!" - UCF admission - Why did you choose to apply to UCF [13]

In fact,O ver the past two summers my father has supported UCF undergrad internships at his brokerage offfice. Through conversations with these students , I have gained a better understanding of the some of the course offerings, campus amenities, and the personal challenges relative toof college life.

In general, I'd like you to be less wordy, as above. I also think you need to go a bit deeper than you do. Much of this essay is devoted to telling the reader that you know what the school offers and want to go there. That's true for everybody who applies. What's unique about you?

Finally, I'd like your conclusion to return to the theme of your introduction in some way.

Undergraduate / "Yellow blanket, sweet sixteen" - common application-topic of choice/feedback [15]

You do write very well. That means you're ready to pay closer attention to style. I notice a tendency toward passive sentence construction that I presume is habitual rather than purposeful. What you want to do instead is use active voice and action verbs as often as you can. Then, when you deliberately depart from that for effect it really will have an effect. Also, make a concerted effort to excise all empty modifiers and to always use original phrases and images.

Let me know if you understand what I'm saying.

Writing Feedback / For Eng 121 class: Use of critical thinking using Mary Postgate and Yellow Wall [5]

What is the purpose of this essay? Is it for a class? Are you supposed to be explaining critical thinking or actually doing critical thinking. If the latter, then your prefacing explanations about the elements of critical thinking are extraneous and not likely to be viewed kindly by your teacher.

Undergraduate / Ut topic A- someone who has impacted your life (too much information?) [4]

Not too much information about your mother at all, but too much surrounding verbiage. The first sentence is not needed and not true anyway. (Undoubtedly, when you were an infant, you recognized your mother as the most important person in your life.) I congratulate you on adding these details about your mother's concern about her carbon footprint (etc.) I just want you to get rid of all of the empty phrases surrounding those vivid details.

Writing Feedback / Dangerous sports and activities - for fun, money, or for nothing [11]

It seems that the more dangerous the activities are, the more fascinating they are, and the more enjoyment people feel.

One of theexplanation that seems unbelievable is the fact that people earn money by taking part in the hazardous and even potentially deadly activities.which is full of hazard; if possible, it would even be deadly

Undergraduate / personal statement topic (my family, their love and care) [12]


Honestly? Yes.

Writing Feedback / Our lives abound with examples of the importance of remaining creative [4]

I'm confused: Why are you talking about Leonardo Da Vinci when your focus is on the especial need for creativity in the modern world?

Undergraduate / "Hola! Me llamo Allison"; Stanford Essay 2 - Roomate essay / tear it apart [3]

I like the life and color in this essay. If you've got space, add a few more details about yourself. The quality of the writing is good overall but of course not perfect. I challenge our nit-picking members (you know who you are) spot the errors.

Undergraduate / UC entrance essay #2:special personal quality [7]

Start, instead, with a story that illustrates your most important quality.

Undergraduate / 'idea of learning / isles of Trinidad and Tobago' - UCF Personal Statements [12]

Your boyfriend is right: You didn't answer the first question at all. You began to answer the second question but then strayed back into talking about your job experience and your career goals, neither of which are germane. Try again. Read the questions carefully. Answer them. Resist the urge to mention your job title or your career goals, which I believe you will be able to do elsewhere in your application. And never, never, repeat what you said in one answer verbatim in another.

Writing Feedback / Colleges for gain knowledge, new experience & prepare for future career - TOEFL [11]


Indeed, the hallmark of good writing is the ability to say what you mean in as few judiciously chosen words as possible.

Making sentences artificially long not only introduces more room for grammar and punctuation errors but also makes the writer look like someone who is trying to appear more educated than he or she really is. In other words, it has the opposite of the intended effect, making the writer seem ignorant rather than educated. The same holds true for over-use of long or complex words, especially if these are used incorrectly or even just oddly.

By the way, what made you say "charisma" when you meant "merits"? A translator? An online thesaurus? Whenever you find a synonym that you might want to use, look up the new word in the dictionary, attending closely to all its associated meanings. That way, you will not choose a word so obviously not what you were trying to say.

Book Reports / "The Storm" by Kate Chopin - my position paper [11]

The third topic isn't a topic at all, simply a one sentence summary of the plot.

The first topic is the most intriguing to me, but might be difficult to argue unless you are a skilled literary critic. What you'd have to do is pull out descriptions of place from the story and then put these together with an analysis of how circumstances/environment circumscribe or facilitate actions.

So, of the three you stated, I guess the second is best, but I'm not thrilled with that either. I'd like to see you do more brainstorming to find a topic sufficiently complex for a paper of that length but not so complex that you cannot address it adequately.

What's most intriguing to you about the story? If you were to try to tell a friend what it was about or what you think Kate Chopin was trying to communicate, what would you say?

Writing Feedback / I closed my eyes and started the chanting!; The moment of the Lords. [11]


How does the speaker know how s/he sounded to others?

Writing Feedback / Not eveything that is learned is contained in the books [20]

Very practical of you to give yourself another month. But, since your problem, in particular, has been thinking of things to say within the alloted time frame, I think you should prepare by writing fresh essays on new topics rather than by endlessly reworking previous topics.

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]


Right. It's always a good idea to test analogies, because an analogy that seems lucid and compelling to you may not be at all clear to others. If one of your test readers just doesn't get it, it's better to either say what you want to say directly or come up with a new analogy (and test that one too.)

Writing Feedback / "Who made history"--A difficult GRE Issue topic [9]


Actually, more and more historians, starting with Eric Foner, have been writing history "from the ground up" so to speak, focusing on everyday people rather than the heroes of traditional history books. These books have proved very popular. Everyday people are interested in what people like themselves contributed to history. If the book is well written, it can succeed.

By the way, an excellent overview of American history from this perspective is A People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn.

Writing Feedback / Causes and Solutions for increasing traffic congestion [6]

Strictly speaking, your first sentence is not needed. If you want an introductory sentence like that, make it short: Traffic congestion seems to increase every day. Go right to the point in your second sentence, rather than prefacing what you want to say with "it is said that."

In fact, always avoid "it is said that," and any reference whatsoever to "modern society," which is too vague to mean anything.

That said, I like the clarity with which you identify three causes of congestion and then go on to discuss each. That is the format that scorers are looking for in test essays.

Thinking about your solution -- more public transportation -- it occurs to me that this would be very good for the environment too. If congestion provokes investment in public transportation, then we could say that congestion was a good thing!

Writing Feedback / If people want to have a good future they should have a careful plan [2]

I understand the reason for the meditation on religion with which you preface this essay, but I feel that this is ineffective. Certainly, you should avoid -- in a formal essay -- saying that you just feel like (or don't feel like) writing the essay in a particular way.

Assuming that this is a test essay, I'd stay away from the religious commentary altogether. One never knows what religious beliefs or biases the scorers might have. Instead, stick to the material world. As it happens, this is what you want to do anyway, as you are arguing that a plan is necessary. The problem is that, by the time you are finished speculating about religion, very little of the essay is devoted to a strong argument for the benefits of planning. Most of what you say is very vague, so much so that I have a hard time responding to anything specific.

Try again.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]


Let this be a lesson to everybody: Even though typing into a terminal can make it easier to phrase critiques strongly, it's important to remember that every writer is a real person who has real feelings about the critiques s/he receives. It's easy to inadvertently be more discouraging than one intends.

Undergraduate / "My older brother David" - Help with UCF entrance essay [11]

Do your own spell checking, then post a revised text here for a final grammar check.

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]


No period after "Miss" except at the end of a sentence.


I enjoyed the dialogue!

Undergraduate / Essay C- Personal info you want considered as a part of your admissions essay [5]


This is redundant: An aspiration is, by definition, something you want to achieve.

Also, this is maybe too vague for an opening statement. "Making a positive impact on the economy" could mean anything from contributing to the GNP by getting a job to reforming the monetary system.

Writing Feedback / Summary-Response Essay - Celebrating Nerdiness by Tom rogers [5]


You're right about that. "Writes" is better when referring to a book.

I wonder how long this report is supposed to be. Your response is fine, but slight. If you have the chance to say more, I recommend writing about how it felt to realize that you don't celebrate yourself.

Here are some grammatical suggestions:

The author explains in a few words the misconceptions of nerds and reasons to why they are labeled this way.

Rogers (omit comma) briefly describes his life growing up as a nerd and later becoming a schoolteacher and father of three nerdy children.

In addition to the examples of stereotyping and the remedies that Rogers suggests he makes readers think about who they are and whether they accept themselves.

I think thatR eading this essay made me realize that I do not celebrate who I am.

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]

What's the essay prompt? A person who influenced you? If so, focus on Miss Judy from the first sentence rather than prefacing your essay with a dissertation on the role of ballet in the preparation of a modern dancer.

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]

"Giant leap." "Baby steps." Omit these and all other trite phrases from this essay. Come up with your own way of saying what you mean to say rather than relying on cliched phrases. As others have said: This is Chicago. They are looking for creativity and brain power, neither of which are signaled by over-use of worn-out phrases.

Writing Feedback / The current technological innovation (the first writting in this web) [4]

Sean's advise is very sound. Follow it. Here's my advice: Don't use a translation devise when searching for the word you want, as this will often lead to strange word choices. Try to say what you mean using the words you know. If you must look for a word, use a dictionary and read the definitions carefully before deciding which word (and which form of the word) to use.

Undergraduate / "My dream" essay (a medical profession) [7]


Yes, remember that even though this is a common phrase, it evokes MLK's famous "I have a dream" speech. Unless you want that association, and can live up to it, avoid using that as an attention-catching sentence.

Undergraduate / UC Admissions Essays (my personal virtues; why Cornell) - LF some critiques/insight/help [8]

Yes, this essay is now very strong in both form and content. I'd make one more editing pass, attending to the suggestions above and also striving for maximum concision.

Writing Feedback / Essay (On) Love [7]


If your point is that love in its different forms serves the same function (solace) you could begin by introducing the question of the purpose of love, then define love, then talk about the different types, showing that each serves the same purpose, and then conclude by stating what you have demonstrated.


Whatever your specific purpose for the essay, it's a good idea to define what you mean by love, which is what I think you are trying to do in that paragraph. You can make it better by coming directly to the point as precisely as possible.

Writing Feedback / "Saying Goodbye" [4]

This is a very evocative and moving essay. I'm sure your teacher will like it, provided that you were allowed to write narrative fiction rather than an expository essay on the topic. (You may want to check in with the teacher to be sure.)

Forum members, take heed: Read this piece and think about what makes it so powerful. It's the details! The Tweety-bird wallpaper. The exact number of months. The dialogue. These are elements that make a story specific and therefore moving. Even in non-fiction, the same emotional effect can be achieved by judicious inclusion of evocative details.

And now, some critique:


Notice that you change verb tense, from present ("tune") to past ("sat") in the middle of the sentence. Watch out for that. Writers sometimes like to use present tense when writing of the past in order to enhance the sense of immediacy of the story. That is acceptable, but only if you are able to have the discipline to carry the present tense all the way through.

Writing Feedback / 'Harmful effects on our environment' - Benefits and Drawbacks of Urbanisation [10]

Overall, your writing is quite good for someone who is practicing for the IELTS exam. Indeed, the advanced level of your writing is what causes you problems. You are clearly able to write simple grammatically correct sentences. You have moved on to trying to write more complex sentences in which more complicated ideas can be expressed. However, you are writing such long and complex sentences that you sometimes get tangled up in your phrasing or write sentences that are altogether too long.


The way this is phrased makes it sound like the changes you are talking about happened one hundred years ago. Rephrase as "urbanisation is proceeding so rapidly that it has generated changes that could not have been predicted one hundred years ago."


You are trying to say too much in one sentence here. I count four ideas crowded into this one sentence.

Getting fedback here -- Liebe? Noto? Orlando? Let's hear your critiques! -- will be a good way for you to improve your ability to write complexly in English. However, for purposes of the IELTS, you may want to strive to keep your sentences as short and simple as possible in order to avoid the grammatical errors that tend to creep into longer and more complex sentences.

Poetry / Gerard Manley Hopkins research final senior paper [4]

Is this a stand-alone prospectus for a paper or is this the introduction to the paper?


Is that true? Did readers of Hopkin's poems need to know the definitions of the words he coined as well as the theories upon which he based his sprung rhythm approach? If so, he wasn't a very skillful poet!

Graduate / Master of Finance - Statement of Intent Essay; 'Paul approached me...' [10]


For example, this...

Like most MBA graduates, I stepped into the VC industry only to temporarily chase the dream of earning glamorous incentives - great turnover on IPO and M&A realizations, before moving onto greener pastures. I could not say that I had a strong passion for the VC business until I had the opportunity to work on this project. In the process of producing the new financial forecasts, I came to realize that VC is not only a means of financing, but also a means of management coaching.

...could easily be communicated in half as many words.

Writing Feedback / Bringing emotion - television has destroyed communication among close people? [3]

A few mechanical basics: Punctuation marks in English are appended to the word they follow, not the word they precede. The only exception to this rule are quotation marks, which enclose a sentence, word, or phrase "like this." With the exception of quotation marks, there always must be a space between a punctuation mark and the word that follows it.

I believe that you mean "spare time" when you are saying "part time."

Writing Feedback / -- Writing from India (essay about holidays and truth) [29]

Rajiv! I feel glad to see something from you again. I hope you will write more of your meditative essays on the experiences you have in India. This is very vivid, giving me a very good sense of the feeling of dislocation and disorientation, despite familiarity, you may be feeling.

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]

People from groups that continue to face discrimination and exploitation draw solace and vital support from communion with one another and sometimes only feel safe enough to fully relax among one another.

Graduate / SOP- MS Human Computer Interaction [2]

You have a very strong background with a great deal of relevant experience. In order to make sure that this does not get lost in the long narrative: (a) summarize your experience before narrating it; and (b) ruthlessly trim the narration of your work experience, giving only the most essential details as concisely as possible. I like it that you include your other interests toward the end.