Writing Feedback / Problem Solving Essay:Contradicting Characteristics-Correct my essay [5]

So, let's look at the main points you make:

"Perfection does not exist - you can always do better and you can always grow" (Les Brown). [. . .] Felix Acosta should take the initiative to meet the ideal of honesty, courage, and kindness by being selfless, charitable, confident, open-minded, and considerate.

And at the end:

In society nobody is perfect. [. . .] With Acosta's achievement of meeting the ideal, this shall affect those around him by providing a fantastic world.

I think it would be good to re-word the intro sentence to make it match that conclusion perfectly, and use the conclusion to expand on the thesis. Your writing style is excellent.

Undergraduate / I left Hong Kong in 2007 and became a student at Bowling Green State University in Ohio - common app [11]

Therefore, NU is the ideal college for me, and...

Like that, maybe?

Book Reports / Macbeth is about the struggle for power Essay [3]

When you look at the first and last sentence of this first para, you get the idea of what the essay is supposed to say:

Macbeth is about the struggle for power. In Shakespeare's Macbeth many characters are seduced by the thought of gaining power. [...]. Although Macbeth is a powerful man, there is a more powerful entity ruling over him: his wife, Lady Macbeth.

Now, see how well you can get the rest of the essay to match this theme. In the conclusion para, do not just repeat that assertion that it is a struggle for power, but instead comment about how that struggle affected everyone involved, and what it meant.

Writing Feedback / GED Practice essay: Do you think stronger laws should be enacted to... [4]

On the other hand, this gives the government free reign to do whatever it pleases and disrupts the system of checks and balances that prevents one branch from gaining too much power.

And the rhythm:
Terrorism is an ideology, not a physical entity, and this is a fact lawmakers fail to understand.

Yes, you are doing very well!!!

Writing Feedback / Essay about war and religoion during 1990s in Europe-Balkan [4]

...especially when war is going on toward you all around me .

In Serbia, people who were living by me are mostly Orthodox Christian. Now I'm living in the ...

After the army lost it strength, the country felt apart and from ...

When the country felt apart, one more thing happened as well, and that was the formation of ...

Good!! During the beginning and end of the essay, you keep the theme of having trouble practicing your religion because of the problems in your world. Now, make sure you include that theme in the middle of the essay as well. In the middle of the essay, add a sentence or two about how it is hard to reconcile your religion with the circumstances.

Essays / BCC ESSAY on my academic life and career goals - I don't know what do I wanna do in future as my job [24]

Thanks, Teri! Where did this list come from?

Essays / The best way of adding depth to an essay [9]

Hey, that is a great idea. So, you add depth by adding subtopics.

Graduate / Essay for MSc in Finance [4]

During my Master, I had to provide a Thesis in order to be graduated, and I chose to examine Volatility Trading through Variance Swaps.

However, My current role as a Trader assistant made me aware about some things, as of the ...

However, a good master can add certain legitimacy as a junior (it is really important for quantitative knowledge), and it is difficult to advance without one. Moreover, we are currently in a really difficult period with regard to employment and prosperity. as we currently are in.

Yes, it really does "sparkle," in answer to your question. I am impressed; however, I agree with Sean that the first sentence could be more powerful:

Having graduated with a Master of Financial Engineering of university X, I am submitting to you my application to you in hopes of achieving (say something specific about what can accomplish at their school).

Your writing style shows that you are serious and thoughtful!

Research Papers / Drinking age, lowering age to 18 - research paper [21]

Well, like I said before, this is not something I have a strong opinion about. I can't help feeling that it would be a bad idea to lower the legal drinking age, even though I like to think of myself as someone who values personal freedom, etc.

And I know that the illegality of it does not prevent any kids from doing it (though it might prevent some of them as they have their first driving experiences and want to avoid losing their licenses). But what does that mean? Should we lower the age to 16 then, or 14?

Hey, I did not know that India used to have the age set at 25! The fact that until recently the age was 25 supports my argument, right? It depends on how people feel about alcohol, I guess...

TD mentioned that he does not think people get enlightenments that provide responsible drinking habits, but I disagree. Between the ages of 18 and 25 I had a lot of those! Then again, it was drinking that caused those experiences for me!

As for letting 18 year olds drink and drive home from the bar... well, I might point out that the human brain is not even completely developed until the age of 20!

So, let's get the whole developing-of-the-brain process out of the way first! What the heck do kids need alcohol for, anyway? Alcohol is for later in life, when your metabolism slows down, your muscles hurt, and you are bored with most things, and you know that certain opportunities have been lost forever, and you need some anesthesia to ease that existential ache that makes you stay awake and worry about the years sliding by.

Who are we to tell anyone the age at which they can drink? We are the pedestrians, and we're the other drivers on the road! That gives us the right. Ha ha, to me, it is all about the driving. Really, I'm not sure...

Writing Feedback / Career, exploration, travel, home - check these paragaphs [11]

That's great insight into the nature of the beast. I think lately in terms of using the conclusion to EXPAND on the thesis... give the implications.

As for the timing of it, I think that no matter what you are introducing, you need to know it first. So, I would never write an intro first.

Some writing needs an outline, and some writing does not. In writing an outline, you set yourself up for a scavenger hunt as you try to find material for every section you promised to write. Sometimes teachers require that.

But I like to do research writing like a painter who tosses paint onto the canvass and makes sense of it later. Themes emerge on their own, without you having to plan them.

Research Papers / Drinking age, lowering age to 18 - research paper [21]

Yes, this is good raw material for an essay! I know what Sean means. Alcohol is not a prerequisite for car accidents. But inattention is a prerequisite, and alcohol is conducive to inattention.

Anyway, the original question is whether or not to lower the drinking age. I don't know; maybe you are right when you say that the illegality contributes to the appeal, but then what is the idea? To use reverse psychology to get kids to drink less?

If I had to bet money, I would say that lowering the legal drinking age would cost lots of lives. There is no way to prove that, of course.

Here is something that might be particularly helpful in figuring out how to write the essay: What would be the greatest benefit of lowering the drinking age? I can't think of any benefit that justifies what seems like it would result in loss of life.

If even one car accident involving a bunch of teens would be prevented by forbidding young drivers from having ANY alcohol on their breath (or risk losing that new privilege), I think that is enough reason for all the kids in the country to abstain for a few years. I don't think anyone would argue that lowering the drinking age would result in FEWER accidents...would they?

Give them the license at 18 and the beer at 21. That way, they have 3 years to come to know driving as something to be done sober. The alternative is to send them driving off to the bar at 18!

Perfect world: I say we eradicate driving and lower the drinking age.

Research Papers / 10-15 page research paper on History of Capital Punishment [7]

Think of this as 5 three-page papers.

Each of the five covers a section of the paper... history, philosophical debate, important incidents, legislation, modern arguments for each side, etc... whatever topics are covered in that collection of books you amassed, those are the sections of your essay.

Do not worry about the sections right away. Instead, just start enjoying one of the books. When you feel inspired to write about it, write a paragraph:

[name of author] explains that capital punishment is as old as mankind itself...

Do this for each work you read, and enjoy it. Put a parenthetical reference after each paragraph you write. Write a para or 2, or 3, for each book/article.

you could write a 100 page paper if you had to!

Whan you have a collection of blurbs about what this person and that person wrote, put them in a cool order. Create a few section headings for your paper.

Here is a paper for inspiration. Look at some of the sources used: ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/cp00.pdf

Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [105]

Yes, but the first thread is free! That is, after you post your first question, you have to give some people some feedback about how their writing affected you, and any suggestions you think of. You used your free thread here, I think, so now you have to go help a few members! :) Thanks for joining EssayForum. I look forward to collaborating with you!

Writing Feedback / The Effects of Violent Movies [9]

There are many effects of violent movies . First, there are many children who wish to be like movies heroes. They are impacted by movies, and by the hero's actions.

...

The violent movies are increasingly influential, with the thousand of movies are protections created each year, especially the last two years. The people in a violent movie are under circumstances that catalyze them to kill, and make them behave aggressively. Finally, not only do violent movies make the human behavior aggressive, but so do video games., and tools game. The violence in movies has taken a large space among the various kinds of movies. In short, the violence movies are very bad, and I don't like to see it because the violence movies have a their very horrific scenes.

Keep working on your English! Keep reading books written in English, and you will improve your skill!! :)

Writing Feedback / Career, exploration, travel, home - check these paragaphs [11]

Your welcome. It was through experience that I learned not to write the intro first. It's just like when you write a novel. you write the intro after it is completed -- probably.

Writing Feedback / Aphorism essay - "A Better Tomorrow" [5]

These are tough!

...less resources on the service and manufacturing business, which squander resources left and right, then we would...

"Let's say the ocean is rising. Now, t his may not be a problem to us, because we can adapt fast; but let's look to the past and see what it says about one of...

Maybe like that?

Essays / General biological science, Statement of purpose [8]

I suggest you use each of these sentences as a topic sentence. The topic sentence is the first sentence of a paragraph. Use the rest of each paragraph to explain each idea. We can't write the essay for you!! You have to write it. Good luck!!

Book Reports / The Crashing Symbols of The Glass Menagerie and My Little Town [27]


It might be good to start with all this, above. It is not so good to start with the sentence you currently start with. Can you move that first sentence so that it comes after effectiveness of his actions?

You just need to give it a topic sentence.

This is such a hard essay, because you have to write about both things in every paragraph...

Undergraduate / Boston U Int. (Experiences with Dad, Confidence, Stock Market) [13]

Don't be messing with the language! It's when the dialectic subtleties we use begins to get phased out that we start getting old! "Cool" will one day be as un-cool as "nifty" is today, and we will be old.

Research Papers / Drinking age, lowering age to 18 - research paper [21]

Well, in response to the first paragraph, the fact that majority rules doesn't necessarily mean the majority is right.

About the second paragraph, you are right when you say I can't reasonably assert that drinking has no benefits. I was being lazy in my explanation. When I said that, I meant that the harm of drinking outweighs the good. It's not as though it is the only way to change one's state of mind... oh, no! I just got to the part where you pointed out that, "You can argue against binge drinking easily enough, as always being physically detrimental, but a glass or two of wine a day is generally viewed as having no physical ill-effects."

You win. I guess I was not thinking of moderation.

Wait a minute, maybe you don't win... we are talking about if it is a good idea to let kids drink legally right at the same time as we give them their licenses. I argue that most kids do not drink a glass of wine or two, but instead funnel beers 3 at a time. I also argue that it is impossible for kids to moderate properly just before getting into their car, because they are too young to estimate how it is effecting them. I think it is good to give them the extra 3 or 4 years to get good at driving before they are legally able to drive to and from the bar.


Yep, I really do agree with you. But with regard to the overall question of whether or not it would be good to suddenly let them all into the bar (teens sometimes are not inhibited enough even when sober!), I say let them wait til they are 21.

However, this is not something I feel certain about. Personal freedom is important. If there was no such thing as cars, my opinion would be different!

Writing Feedback / Does Success Come from Luck or Work? [7]


This first line is weak, because it does not say anything important. Say something strange and interesting, something that catches the interest.

I like your arguments! Perhaps you should adjust your thesis so it says that more of the world's "successful" people got their success through luck than through hard work. That seems to be what you have argued.

You need some more supporting sentences in the intro and conclusion. Use those paragraphs to explain your MAIN point, your thesis statement. Don't just leave that conclusion para as a single sentence; expand on the thesis. :)

Good luck!

Undergraduate / I left Hong Kong in 2007 and became a student at Bowling Green State University in Ohio - common app [11]


Hahahahahahah! That must have been weird for you. I was just naming a year, so it was a coincidence. :) Hahahah

It would enable me to combine...

This is all one paragraph! Each paragraph should be a thought, a separate thought. Some people say paragraphs should have 4 to 8 sentences. Good luck! :)

Scholarship / My own engineering firm; Scholarship (Educational Goals) [6]

Just as your company is committed to advancing education, strengthening communities and improving lives of others, I share your same vision and I am passionate about contributing to humanity . I recently traveled ...

As an engineer, improving people's lives will be a top priority for me.

Your company is driven to see students succeed in their educational goals and give back to the community; t herefore, I know you can help assist me to achieving...

You still needed some corrections there... let us know if you have any questions about those corrections! Good luck!!

Undergraduate / 'It is something extra' - Personal Statement (the European Business School London) [9]


Right after this sentence above, you should perhaps write something about your own purpose that makes it convenient for you to learn language in a diverse environment.

I have always been fascinated by various cultures and languages.

This just goes to show that my interest in different languages and cultures has long been rooted in me.

Hyphens: Even though my time in Europe was short-lived, the time spent spending time there was very much an eye-opening experience.

This essay starts off very strong; the beginning is SO eloquent! But you should use paragraphs to organize it, and you should watch out for jumping from one idea to the next.

The reader should be able, after reading this, to succinctly tell someone what your "purpose" is. I am very impressed with your writing ability, but it will help if you organized it into 3 solid paragraphs, each with a topic sentence.

Writing Feedback / Essay: Are exams necessary? Yes ... they are! [5]

Some people may argue that exams are not necessary and that they should be abolished.

Some schools actually do not use exams... a college in California the name of which I can't remember...

They favour people who have a good memory and techniques, and they especially favour people without language barriers and cultural barriers to cross.

This essay is very simplistic, and the topic calls for more complexity. The topic calls for consideration of how education would be without exams. Examination is an inexact science. Without exams, though, education would still be inexact!

Writing Feedback / Career, exploration, travel, home - check these paragaphs [11]

In other threads in this forum, we discussed that, and Sean mentioned something interesting: "How can you introduce something that does not exist yet?" Is what I think he asked. Likewise, how can you "conclude" something that has not begun?

Paintings and poems and essays and stories are not necessarily written in the order they are to be received. I always, always always write the intro and conclusion last. I thought I'd mention that to you, because it seems very interesting and useful to me...

Writing Feedback / "Is racism becoming an obstacle in today`s world?" - correct my essay [4]

In our diverse society, racism is facing proving to be one of humankind's major tensions in this day and age.

Above, you had writen that "racism is facing ... tension" but what you need to write is that racism is CAUSING or PROVING TO BE a kind of tension.

I want to point out that the title is not quite right, because racism obviously is not "becoming" an obstacle but rather, has always been an obstacle.

I think these readings you discuss seem great. If you ever have time to read "Pattern Recognition" by Gibson, I think it would be an interesting novel to read with racism in mind. (I'll give 100 points to anyone who can tell me what is the biggest insight into racism that you can get from Gibson's novel, which is not even about racism.)

The thesis you use is very weak: the two writings on the subject of race are shown to be the same, The two authors demonstrated a good understanding of how racism is created ... These are the asserions you made, and they are not very meaningful. What makes these 2 authors' works similar in the ways they expose racism? What makes them similarly unique, (if that is even possible)? Can you make it so that your essay opens my eyes to some new insight I had not considered, even after I read those two books? Your job is to write about those 2 books in a way that makes the reader see deeper truths in them than s/he may have seen prior to reading your essay.

Essays / "Ambition" essay - how to start it? [14]

Great ideas, here! Like Ned said, it is great to look at some other things that have been written about ambition. And Sean mentioned Shakespeare...

Friends, Romans, countrymen, listen up for a minute! I came here to bury Caesar, now that Brutis stabbed him in the back; I didn't come here to praise him, so you don't have to worry that I'll be trying to convince you of his virtue or anything like that... but I do want to point something out: People have been saying Caesar was ambitious, but do you remember when the crown was first offered to him? Three times we offered him the crown, and three times he refused it! Does that seem like someone who is ambitious?

In my above paraphrasing of Shakespeare, ambition is seen as a bad thing -- the kind of ambition that makes you compromise your principles, perhaps. Similarly, in Chinese philosophy, it is said that you can "do nothing, and nothing will be left undone."

Welcome to EssayForum! I hope you get a lot of good ideas here. Please take some time to read other people's essays and give any advice you have to offer.

In your essay, try writing a few paragraphs based on your own ideas -- is ambition helpful to society? Helpful to the ambitious person? Helpful to one but not the other? After writing a few paragraphs, you'll know what your main idea is, so you can go back to the top of the essay and add an intro paragraph.

Research Papers / Drinking age, lowering age to 18 - research paper [21]

Well, that is a lot of good raw material for the essay. (The way I see it, though, it's insane to give the kids their cars and their freedom to drink right around the same time. And about the argument about making it more desirable by having it illegal... I don't know, I guess we can't stop the risk-taking, but we don't have to condone it! Also, I don't think there is a causal relationship between the legal drinking age and the prevalence of recklessness among kids in America. I also notice that your briefest point, above, was the one about benefits outwweiging the harm. There are no benefits to drinking! Even the commonly cited benefits are cop-outs... like, needing a "social lubricant.")

Essays / Who I would (if I could) nominate for a Nobel Peace Prize and why [15]

Yes, that is what I was going to suggest. Search for peace activists and use the word list in your search. After you choose one, it is just a matter of writing a little bio about them and a little blurb about the prize itself.

It seems tough, though, because for anyone you tink of, there is someone who perhaps has done more. Do some research about the atrocities going on in the world, and you'll find the heroes.

Essays / General biological science, Statement of purpose [8]

Google this: biological science "statement of purpose" sample

You'll get samples. I think it is cool that you want to look at some samples, because you have to get in touch with what is expected of you. But you should also get in touch with what your purpose really is. Do you have some clearly envisioned goals?

Essays / BCC ESSAY on my academic life and career goals - I don't know what do I wanna do in future as my job [24]

A few decades ago, Campbel started a cool philosophy: "Follow your bliss." Follow your intuition and bliss.

Essays / Fascist Aesthetic in relation to Sontag essay and "Triumph of the Will" [4]

I say this all the time, but it is SO useful: Do not worry about the outline, just collect some really well-written articles/chapters/readings, and enjoy them. As you are reading, once in a while you'll be inspired to type a paragraph a thought. When you do, put the name of the author in parentheses after whatever sentence you wrote based on what s/he said.

If you do that for a few readings -- I'd say 12-20 for your 18 page essay -- you will have a long collection of interesting ideas. As you make this collection, you won't know what the thesis of your essay will be, but just trust it. After collecting all these, your thesis will emerge. You'll say, "What does it all mean?!"

Use cut and paste to rearrange them. When you know the hidden meaning in your paragraph soup, write the intro. THEN make the outline based on your completed rough draft.

I know you are probably required to do the draft first. I still think it is easier to write a rough draft using my method, and then make an outline based on the draft. It's SO much easier. Writing the outline first iis like Babe Ruth pointing with the bat at where he will hit the home run: it is a cool trick, but unnecessarily difficult.

Undergraduate / Boston U Int. (Experiences with Dad, Confidence, Stock Market) [13]

The Force is with you, young Skywalker.

Undergraduate / I left Hong Kong in 2007 and became a student at Bowling Green State University in Ohio - common app [11]

Upon finishing secondary school in Hong Kong, My parents and I decided to come to America. That is awesome, and by the way there is something very cool about the rhythm of the name Stephanie Chan - it'll make a good celebrity name -- but, let's start the essay with something powerful.

Start with a sentence that intrigues the reader! And then...

"I left Hong Kong in 2007 and became a student at Bowling Green State University in Ohio."

That is just what comes to mind for me.

nd when I was thinking about where to study next, I heard about Northeastern University from a friend and found that it is where I want to go. First and foremost, All this is inefficient, boring. But, it is good when you write: I love the idea of Cooperative Education. (but what, specifically about this school's program? Be specific.

This is really great; you write very well, and you have a rhythmic name! :)

Book Reports / Essay paper on "The storm", "The lottery", and "Samuel" - what to write? [6]

I'm impressed, Sean! Is there anything you haven't read?

Keyshia, There must be more instructions than this; is this for an English class, or some other class? What do you think is the teacher's intention in giving this assignment? Have you read the books? As you read, you might want to consult the Sparknotes website, so that you can think in terms of the authors' themes. You really need to be able to come up with an original idea about the three, though. That is the whole point.

When you do get inspiration to write, write the body paragraphs. Do the intro and conclusion last.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay - Convenience food can not improve the way we live. [15]

However, while the fact that the easy food preparatio n likes that is convenient cannot be denied, its real influence on our life is an important issue that must be considered thoroughly .

At first sight, foods that are easier to prepare have generated a big advantage.

That advantage is that it helps us to save more and more time because we do not need much time to prepare.

But in reality, potentially neg etive effects are still not considered properly.

"effect" is a noun, and "affect" is a verb:
My help affects your essay.
I hope you enjoy the effects of my help.

The most remarkable effect is that our health will be more declined with every passing day.

...using canned foods frequently leads to accumulation of preservative substances that caused more than 320,000 people to develop cancer anually.

Secondly, the thing using food that's easy to prepare leads to people do not caring about cooking.

To conclude, despite how easily we can prepare food, it still cannot improve the way we live. Therefore, no matter how the busy life is, it is necessary to prepare our food as well as possible. Time may be like gold, but always remember that "health is worth more than gold!"

I like your username, MonkeyDDragon!!! I cannot score the essay, but above is my help.

Writing Feedback / Career, exploration, travel, home - check these paragaphs [11]

Therefore,job seekers need to adapt to these changes whilesearching for a suitable job.

It is agreed that space exploration, which attracts a lot of leading scientists' attention on a global scale, brings ...

... raise the living standards on earth but also find out new planets to settle on .

... the current society leads to the increasing demands for entertainment.

In These days, people tend to choose traveling , especially foreign travel (...) and learn about various cultures of nations in the world .

However, trouble in terms of expenses, (...) more attention to by tourists to have a holiday as expected.
This paragraph (above) needs some clarification.

In summary, foreign tourists should not only prepare well by bringing enough money, but they should also look into security matters and health care services in the target countries in advance.

Today, people tend to leave home at an earlier age than in the past.

... one of the most important decisions a person will ever make in his/ her life.

When it comes to reasons for leaving home, three main categories are seen: ...
To summarize, it is seen that more and more young people leave home for different reasons.
The sentence above seems unnecessary, as we all leave our parents homes sooner or later!

Is this your assignment, to only write intro and conclusion paragraphs?

:)

Writing Feedback / Aphorism essay - "A Better Tomorrow" [5]

The population increase is wasting resourses the Earth doesn't have.

Keeping in mind that some countries are trying to fix it, their efforts alone are not enough.

Even if China, India, and the U.S., yes the United States isn't perfect, restrict birth rate, it wouldn't help.

The reason is that if your country can only have one child per-family it doesn't make a large difference if your population is in the billions.

...now let's guess that thirty percent of them break the law and have more than one child, that's two-hundred and twenty-five families having an average of two to four children adding to the population at least an extra two-hundred and twenty-five million new citizens.

"Water, water everywhere , but not a drop to drink."
Metal, trash, toxic wastes (possibly) ,

Let's say the ocean is rising, now this may not be a problem to us, because we can adapt fast, but looking back to future that says: "history shows that man always settled near water."

The sentence above is unclear and should be rewritten for clarity.

If we spent less resources on the service and manufacturing business, that are more than happy to mass-produce all those essential home comforts, then we would be able to re-use the resources we have instead of squandering them on luxuries.

I can't make sense out of this, (above)

Here are some grammatical and spelling fixes, but what you really need to do is to go over the essay and check for clarity. You need to also focus on your main points and stick to them. You seem to be using way too many unnecessary words, and it seems as if you're writing a speech. An example of this is here; Now this isn't to say we need to all sell or homes and go live in hovels, I'm very happy with my sixty inch plasma screen TV thank you,... and here; Even if China, India, and the U.S., yes the United States isn't perfect,...

Also, watch out for the spelling in the words,"then" and "than".

:)

Letters / Response to Dr. Kings Letter to Clergymen Essay [3]

If someone doesn't no one takes action to preserve equality, things will never change.

Your intro is very weak, but I agree with you!!! :) Strengthen the intro. Say something direct. This is an argumentative essay, so argue! Say what you mean. You indicate that you and king "believe in protesting for the Civil Rights of African American citizens," but that is not what you really mean. You should make a thesis that says that you believe in protesting when wrongs are being committed.

Make sure you look closely at the first few pages of the letter. It tells all about specifically hat he and they disagree about. King says it is unfortunate that the protesting is going on, but that it is even more unfortunate that they are forced to do it. Are they forced to do it? I think they were, and so do you, and that is what their argument as about.

But what about now? What modern injustice is happening, and in what ways are we failing to act? Anyway, for the essay, it seems like that want you to pick a side and argue for it.