Poetry / I have to write a senses poem for my assignment ("feeling doubt") [17]

Do you mean some sort of magazine? Like... an e-zine? I have thought about making one of those! It seems like a cool idea. If you come up with a great idea for a theme, maybe you can make a popular e-zine and get advertising revenue from it!

Please start a new thread and give it a title that relates to making a "zine." You'll have to write a short description of what the assignment involves, so we can all collaborate about it. As of now, I am not sure what you mean!

Post a little description of the assignment, and also post your preliminary ideas about it. Then, we can help. Remember to start a new thread, so we can stay organized. Give the new thread a good, descriptive title.

Thanks!!!!!

Writing Feedback / "PGD method" - feetback on introduction of short academic essay [12]

The thing I mentioned about the repetition... I thought it seemed too cumbersome to repeat the whole phrase. It works better if the part that is repeated is only one or two words. But really, that was just my sense of it. It is no big deal.

I got some good insights from reading your post and Sean's...

Essays / I need a quote / maxim for an essay [12]

How about Eckhart Tolle:

"Life is a dancer, and you are the dance."

Is that what you mean? Give us some more description of what you need!! If you want to use the above quote, it is in A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. Good luck!!

:)

Undergraduate / Transfer to NYU from Rutgers Newark -- Entrepreneurs, Pioneers. [10]

Growing up, I was often reminded of this by my father. He is a proud, self-made, successful businessman. When he describes my family as "pioneers" it is a reference to my grandfather's grandfather, who, along with his family and a group of other families, left their home in the Gujrat region of India.

This is a great essay!!

The term "pioneer" can be...

Don't use commas here:

I therefore declined a significant scholarship...

Yes, very impressive essay! Good luck!

Research Papers / Roman Empire: Cultural and Political Changes [4]

What Sean means is that you should type that phrase into Google!! Ha ha, but people who do not do online research much may not realize how powerful Google is. You can also type those key words into Google Scholar for good articles. Good luck!!

:)

Scholarship / NUS Scholarship App Essay - Achievements & academic interests [3]

My interests in economics, business and finance have been long standing. Since youth , I have always been particularly intrigued by how economic structures work collectively to bring about greater progress to a country. I feel that combining these interests with business management will enable me to take a firm foothold and embark on a career in...

Excellent!!! The rest of this essay is really great... I am so impressed! It is obvious that English is not your native language, and yet you have unique eloquence!! Very good stuff, here.

Writing Feedback / Pygmalion Paragraph for brochure [3]

Hey, that is good stuff from Sean! Yes, the parts where you tell some of what happens in the story do not help so much... your job is to create tension, in the sense that you want to get the reader wondering about the situation.

I like the idea of adding a rhetorical question. You can apply these changes Sean recommended and think about how to make the reader want to know what happens.

Writing Feedback / Goals: Dancer, Hairdresser, Musician [5]

The first goal beside that of becoming a dancer is to become an elementary school teacher.

One reason is that I love kids because I like to play with them. Another reason is that I really like to helping kids.This sounds frivolous, not very serious.

For instance, when I was in Vietnam, my mom often took me to school with herand I helped her to correct all the kids papers.

And when my mom was busy, then I walked around and helped them coloring the pictures .

Also, when they had a break time, then I sat with them and played with them.

---- Another goal that I want to achieve, is to become a hairdresser.

First, I really care about my hair because one time I went to cut my hair and I told them to cut the bangs for me.

After ten minutes I looked in the mirror and I got so mad about her because she cut my bangs too short.

Second, hairstyle is a very important thing for people and a good stylist is one who will help and guide their clients to a style that would suit them. If I make people happy with their hair style that I cut, then I'll be happy for them too.

Here are a few fixes to get you started, but I'll wait to see what you do with Seans question in case you rewrite.

:)

Poetry / I have to write a senses poem for my assignment ("feeling doubt") [17]

It's like the word, "assaulting". On the news, you might hear of someone being beaten up and robbed. The person who did the beating and robbing is the "assailant". :)

Undergraduate / Bachelor's degree in Nursing - my background, attitudes, and interest essay [5]

I think your essay would be so much more powerful if you scrapped the first paragraph altogether. If you do that, and take some of the great advice posted above, you have a great essay. You shine through as mature, reliable, intelligent and extremely passionate about your goals.

I believe they will feel fortunate to have you as a shining example of a great student.

Good luck!
:)

Essays / "Why do you slay the righteous?"/ Narrative Essay - Story or Narration? [13]

No inconvenience! That is what is cool about this kind of collaboration. You know... I recently wrote a song about being able to sing in rhythm with "no metronome," and then I heard that new , weird song on the radio about keeping a beat with no metronome... and I realized that I had accidentally adoptend their lyrics without realizing it...

:)

Undergraduate / University of Hartford (future businesswoman) [11]

If accepted I will establish what I am capable of, I believe the University of Hartford will help me obtain my goal of finding success as a future business woman.

Great job fixing up your essay, good luck in school!

:)

Essays / Essay on Professor's house & Old Mortality [4]

Oh, I don't know either story! The thing is, your job is to understand the stories first, and then try to write about them. When you try, we can give you objective opinions about how your essay affects a reader.

If you have trouble understanding the stories, look on the Internet for summary or synopsis... and try to get an understanding. That is the challenge.

Write something first! Then we can help...

Faq, Help / Passages translated into English - is it OK to post? [10]

I think it will be fine, and I am excited for you; I wish I had become a translator!! Make good choices so that your career becomes fascinating! I look forward to seeing what you post.

Remember that if you have posted a translation on another website, it cannot be posted here.

Writing Feedback / "PGD method" - feetback on introduction of short academic essay [12]

By now we know o On the one hand, modern society understands about avoidable risk factors that support the outbreak of certain diseases, such as smoking or alcohol consumption whilst pregnant; on the other hand, we have discovered that mutations of human genes can cause physical and mental illnesses of any kind.

Wait a minute... maybe I think it should not be in the "on the one hand, on the other hand" format... maybe it should be:

Modern society understands about avoidable risk factors that support the outbreak of certain diseases, such as smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol whilst pregnant; similarly , we have discovered...

I also think you should change the beginning so that it does not tire the reader out with too much repetition; repetition is not good at the start of an essay:

Imagine a world without incurable diseases -- without serious sufferings, and without parents having to take the burden of a diseased or or disabled child.

Even this is not quite right; it is a tough subject, because, for example, it can be offensive to many people for you to suggest that disabilities somehow make life not worth living.

Get very thorough understanding before you continue. Check out the Wikipedia entry about this.

Good luck!!

Poetry / I have to write a senses poem for my assignment ("feeling doubt") [17]

Hey, what happened to the first few lines?!! I really liked them! You re not getting rid of them, are you?

How about "dulling the senses" instead of "...your nose"

I don't know, it's your poem! Something you said indicated that English is a second language for you... is that right? It is impressive that you can write a poem in a foreign language!

Essays / writing about gay couples, need ideas [4]

Yes, SO much has been written about this subject, so it should be easy. Check out Google Scholar or FindArticles.com... Start with good, peer reviewed journal articles, or that your paper will be based on quotes from good sources... like cooking with good ingredients.

Some people say that same-sex couples cannot raise a child correctly, and other people say that they certainly can. Here is one to get you started:

stanford.edu/~mrosenfe/Same-sex%20couples%20and%20their%20ch ildren,%20abstract.pdf

I have not read this, so I don't know if I agree with it or if it is any good. Look at this ignorant one, not peer-reviewed: ewtn.com/library/ISSUES/ZSSADOPT.HTM

Essays / Characteristics of a Dramic Script [3]

You could write a story about an experience of comparing a script to a novel... or writing a script based on a novel... but I think Sean is right! Tell your teacher that a narrative essay is a story! The teacher probably meant "expository."

Undergraduate / Motivation to Business Studies; Degree at JKP [4]

Life is always filled with many adversity but it does not lack the fruits of overcoming adversity make it worthwhile.

...reaching dreams by trying and risking .

Growing up in a poor country, I saw the way my sisters growing up, studying as a completion of duty and getting married.

However rough or hard it is, I still want. I want to do something which makes me try...

However, with my family's lack of financial resource, I cannot easily to afford my studying abroad.

A Long time ago, I was engrossed in wonderful landscape in Europe.

A friend who came from USA told me that my dream

A saying goes: that "One thing that can not kill you will make you stronger."

In my opinion, business is not simply a job.

These days, I am studying SAT I for the coming test. The time is still little for me, plus a lot of other tasks I must carry on. I have to refuse most of the invitation for going out.

I believe that choosing me as a member of JKP will never..

There is some more help! The English is rough, but this is an impressive expression of your personality and seriousness. Like Tyler, I wonder what they asked you to write about; did you follow the instructions for this essay? If it is supposed to be about your motivation to study at JKP, it will be good if you tell some more about specific resources and faculty members that attract you to the school -- and how this school can help you to achieve your professional goals after you graduate.

Graduate / Viktor Frankl's words; MSc in Human Resource Management [3]

Today, I take pride myself in being an extrovert.

..."helping me secure the 3rd rank in the school leaving examinations ...."
This should probably be the final exams? I just assumed that was what you meant.

Today's dynamic global scenario emphasizes on the need for specialization, innovation, and the ability to adapt, and I wish to imbibe these values with the best training at a leading university.

Here are a few minor fixes, but your essay is very well set up and written.

Good luck!

:)

Essays / Meaning of "Memo & Articles of association are the constitution of a limited company" [4]

So... this is about the "Memorandum of Association" and "Articles of Association", is that right?

I was just looking on Wikipedia about one of these.. it is not a subject I know about either, but I'm curious now that I read that they are the "constitution" of a company.

Now...how are they like a "constitution"? They control the way a company deals with its shareholders, just as, for example, a national constitution controls the way a government deals with its citizens.

As for the legislation and court cases, it is easy to find examples... there is a little bit here: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memorandum_of_association

I think your main points should be in sections of the paper where you discuss 1.) the first document, 2.) the second document 3.) their relationship to one another, 3.) Acts and court rulings. That would be a good organization for the paper...

Good luck!! tough subject...

I'm happy to help, but I'm a little unclear as to what exactly you are asking. Natural justice is a concept of legal philosophy used to arrive at a just conclusion applying fundamental principles of fairness. Ultra vires normally refers to actions taken by the officers of a corporation which exceed their legal powers. I'm not clear on what the connection is. Can you please give me more specifics about this particular assignment?

Poetry / I have to write a senses poem for my assignment ("feeling doubt") [17]

feeling doubt about you drives me insane

Nice. I see that you matched up the meter of a few lines, but not others. Did you get tha rhythmic effect on purpose? It has good rhythm... but you may have other ideas if you hear just the thumping of syllables without the words. Can you read this without forming the words in your mind, but instead just feeling the rhythm of the syllables? Do that, and make whatever changes come to mind.

it is fancy,
as a spicy food
smelling like sulfuric acid (how is it "fancy" like "spicy food"? and if it is like spicy food, why does it smell like rotten eggs? Just a thought...)

I like it.

Writing Feedback / A short story draft - dirty job, "Dear Diary" comment [7]

Wow, crazy!! This is pretty substantial...

Maybe change to this: I can feel the beating pulses of their lives, their enthusiasm for it.

I don't want to suggest too much, because it is great, and I don't want to disrupt it. Some of it is a little rough around the edges, like... make sure you capitalize the first words of sentences in both dialogue and prose:

...the peace of silence. "Why did you create...

"So what's up now? I'm fired?" I ask, knowing the answer.
"No my dear, you're not. We 've got

Essays / Essay on: "I am very happy to meet my mother for the first time" [6]

Is it to be a story you make up, then? It is always good to base your fiction on some facts.. all good writers do it. They base their fiction on a real story from their lives, at least a little. For example, Stephen King writes about Maine, because he knows Maine.

I happen to have been adopted, and I met my biological mom when I was 25... so I could do this easily! But I wonder if you can imagine a story in which someone grew up without a Mom. Stephen King advises us to think of a "What if" situation in order to come up wit good stories. What is a boy was a foster child because society thought his mom was dead, but actually she just faked her death and moved to another country because she could not handle motherhood. And then she tries to find you when she is full of regret... and she expects you to feel angry, but you are not angry at all. Perhaps you have become a modern-day stoic, and you are not angry, but you have almost no emotion at all. And your mother is a martial artist, and the two of you open a resturaunt that is routinely harassed by neighborhood thugs...

Undergraduate / "three unique factors" - Is my short answer response too weak? [7]

From Covina to Glendale, there have been six places I have called home.

Hey, this is impressive! I'll check out your website because i want to learn to play Go. It is impressive that you started a website... also, your sentence structure is impressive. I can just clean up a little here and there:

...and I have found it to be a fascinating and beautiful experience .

or...

...and I have found it to be a fascinating and beautiful competition .

Writing Feedback / "What did you want to be when you were a child" - 5 paragraph essay [4]

When I went to middle school, all my friends always asked me, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" then I answered, "I want to become a dancer," because every time my parents were not home, then I turned on the music and danced by myself. That was what i wanted to be when i grow up. However, when I got older, i realized that being a dancer was not my top goal anymore, because i decided to change to another goal.

Capitalize those little "i" and little latters at the start of sentences.

Also, "every time" is 2 words.

Capitalize the first word of sentences being quoted:

When I went to middle school, all my friends always asked me, "What do you ...

Intro paragraph -- Now, I see that you had more than one new goal, so at the end of that intro paragraph, write:

...because I decided to pursue some other goals. They include teaching, hair styling, and music.

This is looking good! Fix the capitalization errors, that's all..

:-)

That way, the reader knows what is coming in the essay.

Writing Feedback / Summary and Personal Response "Hills Like White Elephants" grammar check [4]

Under "Summary", I think you should write a succinct, powerful sentence about the story, naming the story and author, before going into, The story begins with a description of the scenery

The summary part ends very abruptly... does the story end that abruptly? I don't know the story. I think you should add a sentence to the end of that first part.

This really is a very good paper! I like the personal response better. I like the opening line, Even though "Hills Like White Elephants" was written in the 1920's, the topic of the story continues to be a controversial subject. That is a powerful line, because it gives info, makes a thesis statement, and captures the attention all at once!!

It's too bad he did not realize that she did not want to do it. Guys are jerks...

As for that grammar check you requested, I think it's fine!! Good job. :)

Essays / "My bad school experience" - academic paragraph [7]

Good! Get a clear picture in your mind and write the first sentence you think of. Watch your thoughts, and see what comes into the mind. You know what that bad experience was -- for me, it was so bad I would not even be able to write about it! For your experience, though, think of the emotions involved, the people involved, and then watch your thoughts. Write the first rhythmic and passionate sentence that comes to mind.

This is called an "expository" essay, because you are exposing some truth.

After you write that paragraph, don't make it the first paragraph of the essay. Instead, let it be the second paragraph. Go add an intro later.

Remember to let each para spill out of the topic sentence, so that the whole para is about what the topic sentence is about.

Paragraphs in the middle tell the story, the para at the end reflects on some MEANINGFUL TRUTH, and the para at the beginning grabs the attention and runs with it.

Be brilliant!!

Essays / An essay about a movie with strong ideology [8]

Pay it Forward!!

Book Reports / Hamlet Theme Essay Introduction Help [7]

Wow, pretty cool comparison about the bears.. :)

Try writing a paragraph about any insight that comes to mind -- for example, you can write that the satisfaction that seems available in revenge is actually an illusory kind, and that no real satisfaction can come of it. In this paragraph, include a quote or example from the play.

Next, write another para that explains the thesis in a different way.

After repeating that process several times, go back and create an introduction. Don't try to introduce something that does not yet exist. Don't write the intro first.

Essays / Writing an essay about anything we feel dear (graphic design) [3]

Great! Can you look at how art associated with Hinduism is being used on the Internet? Look at websites that really impress you, and see what role is being played by graphic design artists. Could you write, for example, a paper about digitizing the Bhagavad Gita?

As you work on your outline, think of something you can get excited about doing, something you might actually accomplish as a personal project. It might help if it is going to be a digital product that you can sell online. Money is a good motivator!! :) So, get fired up. Get a purpose in mind, like making Hinduis more accessible to the western world. Your thesis statement can be an assertion that digital art is a good way of sharing Hindu art.

Writing Feedback / "The Right To Have an Abortion" - my argumentative paper [20]

Yes, that's right! Good insight. A good essay is at least a little argumentative, in the sense that it ASSERTS something meaningful. It is not meaningful if it is obvious, and that is what we mean by making sure an essay is "debatable". If it is obvious, why write it?

Now, if you want to get REALLY argumentative, in a persuasive essay, remember to write a paragraph that explains the opposite argument and why it is wrong -- do this just before the conclusion paragraph.

Most importantly, make the argumentative essay organized. That means you have to write a topic sentence at the front of each paragraph --- a sentence that shouts out the main point -- and then make sure the whole para is about that point.

Good luck!!

Writing Feedback / "Lithuania Environmental problems" essay - correct my mistakes [3]

Nevertheless, Lithuania has problems involving the quantity of garbage, car ...
Yeah... you need to be more specific. What is a unique concern for Lithuania? Do a little Googling around, you can do it! :) Internet research is fun. Check out this one I found for you:

nationsencyclopedia.com/Europe/Lithuania-ENVIRONM ENT.html

Graduate / Admission Form - General Admission Questions [6]


The sentence above does not accomplish anything.. better leave it out. Reader are impatient.

This is reall impressive, but... some of it is TOO GENERAL!! ---> My ultimate career goal is to be a next generation Information Systems manager who can make use of the Innovative Technologies towards the growth of the business and identify potential business opportunities.

Essays / psychological phenomena in shrek 2 - essay question [4]

Oh man! Isn't that the one where he is having to deal with the donkey played by Eddie Murphy? Well, I guess you could diagnose shrek and the donke as codependent. Did you study codependency in any modules?? Ha ha, that would be a funny paper.

Undergraduate / "three unique factors" - Is my short answer response too weak? [7]

Go deep into the meaning of one of his books, and convey it in a single sentence... take inspiration from him. This is a great approach. Strike out the sentences about how you own 15 books, and instead write some meaningful truth from within the theme of one of them. Tell how Card's work relates to your intended course of study... is there a connection?? Take inspiration from that brilliant work!

What are the other factors?? I am dying to know!!

Undergraduate / Using personal pronouns and personal examples and opinions in an essay [5]

Know what I read recently? In Cresswell's (2008) Educational Research it says that first person is necessary for qualitative research because you have to disclose the writer's perspective, but for QUANTITATIVE work, you generally should write in the 3rd person to stay objective.

See how it depends on the purpose?

If you are an undergrad, it really depends on your teacher's instruction.

Speeches / Student Government Speech [4]

In the first two paragraphs, get rid of all those uses of the word "I" because, whenever you are trying to hypnotize a group, it is important to settle into their experience... pacing and leading their attention... using rhythm... entrancing the group!

Say the same thing, but say You! You! Not, "I"!

"I" is boring. Name names. Make the audience feel your presence up there...

Do not call them this ---> Many of you are just regular students. You never get involved in school spirit events or any activities of the like.

Do not presume to understand them ----> It'd be interesting to know that until this campaign started, I was the same as you, never joining any class council or a related group. I wholeheartedly understand every reason you have not to care and with that understanding I know exactly how to get all of you involved in our school.

No unnecessary words---> It does seem intimidating to go up to ASB or the Administration to propose an idea or make known a complaint or grievance, I will not argue that.

Your job is to ge them excited. Before you compose this speech, make a list of words that feel good to hear. You can get very good at this!!

Research Papers / Focault Methodology for research on contemporary mobilization of the GLBT [2]

I think it will look more "solid" if you merge these two paragraphs:

will be utilized...
Michel Focault establishes

I see some quotes without citations, but that is probably because of your footnote issue...sorry it does not paste in here..

Great! This is pretty good stuff. Any particular concerns? Questions? you seem to have a god handle on it.. My only criticism is that it is work to read it. Can you add some headings and transition sentences? Maybe an attention grabber at the start so that the reader can settle in?

I don't have any corrections to make...

Essays / rhetorical analysis of Martin Luther king letter from the Birimingham Jail [6]

Ah I'm sorry you got stuck on this one. Did it work out okay today? If you google that letter, it is available online. It really is a brilliant piece of writing.

Tell that teacher you'll turn it in late. Everyone makes mistakes... but don't miss the opportunity to write about that letter.

King was a hero.. for sure, and a great writer.

For your paper, compare his assertion of a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws with Thoreau's refusal to pay taxes when he disapproved of the government's actions. That will make a good thesis.